To Care for My Soul

 That long essay regarding failure to understand a philosophy exam helped me to feel better. This activity felt like I was caring for myself. Instead of letting my emotions rage, or trying to bury them, I worked them out in writing.

Your soul is not some mysterious thing. It is the entity that lives here in you, with all its various levels of awareness. 

Taking the time to process your emotions. Taking the time to listen inwardly. Taking the time to reason things out. Taking the time to become aware of yourself, who you really are. These are examples of taking care of your soul.

It seems to me, at times, that my whole job here on earth is caring for my soul. All my relationships enhance and expand this activity. So caring for my soul must be a relationship with my soul. Does it help to call my soul my inner being? That being which is quieter than my emotional thoughts? Become aware of that quieter presence inside. It helps a lot to pay attention to it. 

Satisfaction

Satisfaction with yourself and your life, that is the dilemma of my generation.

We began with Vietnam, women's lib, black panthers and peoples park. Then, we became white collar yuppies because money helped a lot. We raised kids in protective custody since those child molesters were out there. We divorced.

I never partook of family life, marriage and parenthood. But I got the money. I joined the running boom and never left it. Now, 3 decades after college, what of my life?

My life has shaped its meaning around a search for God and for self esteem. As I sit here now, I can consciously grasp admiration for myself. I came from an impossibly alcoholic and dysfunctional home. I made the best of college and was employed. I began a spiritual path.  I got sober. I lived four years in a monastery.

The real story is inside. Do I love myself today? Today, right now this morning, I realized that I need to feel satisfaction with and for and as that soul which has adventured through this world in its own way. I look at my life and all its emotional journeys and admire all that I have done and been. The thing about this morning is that I realized that being dis-satisfied with myself has been a lurking secret inside. A secret, a whisper. A tiny grain of self hate always lodged in my energy pattern, always irritating. But as soon as I felt it, it vanished. When I look consciously, there is nothing about me to hate. That soul which I am is fantastic. That soul which I am has had a great life. My life long spiritual life has brought me to this moment: satisfaction with the soul that I am. My own soul is good enough. My soul is loving.

To be satisfied with my own self, has always been an available choice or decision to feel good. The problem has always been that I didn't know it was up to me. I looked out at the world and was jealous of seemingly better people. I didn't know that I could at any moment, grasp my own inner being and feel love. And maybe this morning was my most conscious ever realization that I was secretly feeling dis-satisfied with myself but could just turn that around in a heart beat. My secret, now not a secret, was killing me. I'm glad that I don't have to go out today and feel dis-satisfied.

I admire the inner me and all my life's exterior journeys.

Today, when I stand at the window at Starbucks and hand out wonderful drinks, the smile will also beam its way into the heart of the people I meet. I hope they feel good by osmosis. My smile will be genuine.

Morning Pages

Yesterday, I discovered a new book, "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. For those of you in recovery, it does not mention AA, but it does mention that she got sober in 1978. And the book is filled with "higher power" and "spiritual experience."

I'm sharing this tool, Morning Pages, with you because I think is helps me to feel better. If you are an Abraham Hicks fan, I think this tool will help you to get on a high flying disk, write rampages of appreciation, get in alignment, stop doing that thing you are doing, get all the way to San Diego instead of stopping in Yuma and going back to San Antonio.

Lets review where I am coming from. I quit my job because I wanted to become a writer, yes. But also because I want to be the real me sometime before I die. The corporate engineer me is a logical brain construction and mainly exists to earn money and protect me from the world. Very little joy, or happy consciousness is allowed by the logical me. I'll be 60 in January. It is time to let go and find some joy in life. To find some happy reason for my existence. Yes, I can die as a millionaire, but did I experience The Universe's love for me?

Truly, I've sought Love for most of my life; and only caught glimpses. The logical brain always calls me down.

"morning pages are 3 pages of long hand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness..."

Right there, I become unstuck. I was trying to write a rampage of appreciation when I had none. Or I was taking my inventory and only feeling worse. Or trying to write a novel instead of getting in touch with me.

"These morning pages are not meant to be an art. Or even writing. I stress at this point to reassure the non-writers working with this book. Writing is simply a tool. Pages are meant to be simply the act of moving the hand across the page and writing down whatever comes to mind. Nothing is too petty, too silly, too stupid, or too weird to be included.
     The morning pages are not supposed to sound smart...."

But I will share further promises.

• All that petty stuff you write down in morning pages is what stands between you and your creativity.
• The morning pages are the primary tool of creative recovery.
• We are victims of our own internalized Censor who constantly criticizes us. The morning pages are a way to evade the Censor and find your Artists Brain.
• The morning pages are meditation because the stream of consciousness writing gives us insight and helps effect change in our lives. Moving from the logical Censor to the Artist Brain is meditation.
• We meditate to discover our own identity, acquire a connection to our inner self. Morning pages build a link to the inner creative identity. (What wouldn't I give to have that. I've spent my life wanting that.)

If you made it to here, google "morning pages" or go to the library and get the book The Artist's Way. I'm not going to type entire directions for morning pages here. But I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE INSPIRED. A being inspired feels good. Inspiration is good energy and I love it.

Today was my first attempt to get 3 pages written and I was successful. I couldn't do this when Abraham said to write 3 pages of a rampage of appreciation every day. Because, I don't appreciate that much or I am too afraid of the Law of Attraction looking in on my crummy thoughts and sending me more. Judgments and restrictions on my writing allow the Censor to shut everything down. And then I have nothing. But if I just free flow write with no restrictions or judgments, I find that the positivity does come out. Free flow writing is a way for me to dig myself out of my negativity. My negativity is mainly fear. My life has sort of mainly been about fear. What if I could dig out of feat and actually love being alive?

In any case, it felt good to let go and just write whatever. I feel better and that is important. This morning, I realized an important point: the life I created here in KC, post career, has room for the Artist and the point is that I need to learn who I am and be who I am. So working at part time jobs  with a hap hazard schedule does that. 

Also, I have created in my life some people I need. Like last night I met my tax office boss. But who I really met is a young guy who is extremely creative. By young, I mean really young. But he shared alot of his creative activities and explained why he like working for the tax office: to have time during the off season to be creative. So, I had the same life I have now 15 years ago, but went back into engineering because of the money. Also, 15 years ago, I had no creative projects so no reason to have a life with room for creativity. Now however, financial insecurity is not an issue and I do have creative projects. So, while this kid is my boss, I can surreptitiously watch a guy have a creative life. A real person, not a book author.

I feel inspired now. I feel good about my life. What could be more important than that?

Personal Mount Blanc

It is Labor Day in the US. I still had to run outside to put out the garbage since I heard the truck. The waste company has put several people out of work since they went to automated trucks.

I have time to sit and reflect. I read the blogs about the Catholic Church sex scandal, The Benedict Option. I watch YouTube videos of Ultra Trail Mount Blanc (below) and tears come to my eyes. I think of my own situation.

I am on the cusp of quitting my career. I wanted to retire before my body got too old so that I could go in lots of races. As I sit here now, one of my knees is somehow in trouble; so I won't hit the ground running.

The thought crosses my mind as I look at the faces of the three women winners of UTMB (video below), "I want to be who I really am." This thought also brings an important point to the surface. I am quitting my career, not just because I have the money, but because I was caught in fake me.

Real me is an athlete and scholar; and has been allotted an hour or two of living each day for my career. Real me is incredibly smart, creative and peruses the metaphysical universe seeing the energy connections of life itself. Real me runs miles and lifts weights. The fake me shoves itself into a corporate box and uses the intelligence to out perform inferior colleagues, please under-functioning bosses and make money. The real me is bored with an engineering job which became rote a couple of years ago, and frustrated with the niche of expertise. The fake me continues to wish for some sort of corporate recognition; which will never come because thats not what corporations do. Fake versus Real is an emotional conflict which I am allowing Real to win. I want to be authentic.

Now, facing retirement, the real me is eager for more time to write, to work on web pages, to learn the business end of being a professional writer, having a personal brand. No one can stop me.

I, and we all, have an inner spirit, a real me, that refuses to be boxed. For the first time in my life, I have the finances to give the real me both space and time. I realize a transformation will occur. Even I, who knows that inner energy, don't really know what will happen.

I have my own version of Mount Blanc. I've been climbing for years. Sometime soon, the next few years, I'll reach the finish line. And then go on.

I will keep the agreement with my inner spirit. I'm leaving the ordinary world and stepping into the extraordinary. Yes I can.

Christmas Eve 2014

On Monday my mission to attain antibiotics was successful. Now, Wednesday, wow, I feel soooooo much better. Even the coughing seems way better.

So I took myself off for a "Runny Nose Run." Yuppers! Load a fanny pack with tissues, pick a beautiful trail well stocked with garbage cans and off I go. I picked the trail from the gazebo to Pine Gully and back. I ran it twice for 5.5 miles/ 6 tissues. Good thing to get my head and lungs shaken up and instilled with fresh air. Now, 3 hours later, the coughing still seems better.

Since I have been sick and staying away from people, I've been reading my spiritual books. One by Emmet Fox and one by Maggie Ross. I am astounded how spiritual truths are true and can be found in legitimate spiritual writings. Maggie Ross's book in particular has helped me to a new understanding of what is variously called: deep mind, the master (Gilchrist), right hemisphere, Self, and many more. I call mine soul; regardless of various other definitions for that word.

I stand and say "Thank You" to this higher power and this intuitive mind which seems so active for me. That is, I have enough silence in my life and my prayers for intuitive thoughts are answered and heard.

My gift to anyone is my Course in Miracles workbook lesson for today:

LESSON 273
The stillness of the peace of God is mine.
1 Perhaps we are now ready for a day of undisturbed tranquility. If this is not yet feasible, we are content and even more than satisfied to learn how such a day can be achieved. If we give way to a disturbance, let us learn how to dismiss it and return to peace. We need but tell our minds, with certainty, “The stillness of the peace of God is mine,” and nothing can intrude upon the peace that God Himself has given to His Son.

2 Father, Your peace is mine. What need have I to fear that anything can rob me of what You would have me keep? I cannot lose Your gifts to me. And so the peace You gave Your Son is with me still, in quietness and in my own eternal love for You.

Yes My Soul Yes

It is better to have tried to climb the mountain. There is nothing to think about. No carrot and stick reward systems. The soul can be found; even with the rudimentary spiritual tools available to American suburbanites. These will be refined with consistent use. The main thing is to stay on the path. Don't go to an Ashram for life. Go to work. Listen. The soul will come.

It is not a quest for the most marathons, or 100 miles in one race or money. It is self transcendence, which could look like anything.

I am but dust, and to dust I will return. Mental asceticism is for now. I will just walk this weekend.

Character Necessities:

• cognitive restraint
• situational consistency
• remorselessly critical
• Prime interest
• mental asceticism
• dimensions

Spiritual tools: silence, listening, ego deflation.

I sang this while running on Sunday (Peter Paul and Mary?):

How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
...
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

A curious thing happened this week. I had my annual review and all is great. As a technical professional, one doesn't expect advancement, but a happy career performing a function. So, I have that where I am. But, after the review, I went back to my office and received a phone call from a person I know in another division of the company. They asked if I would consider a new posting in that division.

I wondered what this meant as a result of my spiritual work. But I had mostly forgotten it on Friday. Today, I wonder if the white bird has landed or if she will sail again.

For now, its off to walk in the park.

Pre-Flatlanders

I was sitting in the Hobby airport and realized that ultra running is about untethering my soul.

(snap shot is of the cover of the book of that title)

To walk for 12 hours, is to just observe my mind but not act on is capriciousness.

Here is Fenton City park, the place where I hope be free.

Personal Power

I can make a right/healthy decision in the moment. But, maybe that desire doesn't go away, just underground to come back later. Then the only way I am ultimately powerful is to do something that eliminates that thought, develop a habit which becomes stronger than that thought, or ask for a higher power to remove that thought. Otherwise, I'm doomed to eventually do that thing.

I need to change my momentum and keep it changed.

I want a different ruler in my mind than the one I have been allowing. I need to strengthen the consciousness which brings me success, peace, productivity, self love. That consciousness which is positive is there; I just don't choose it as my ruler. But I think I could. I am aware enough of my thoughts to begin a different conscious sorting process.

I went for a long run as usual for a Saturday morning (4h25 min). I thought that I want my life to be an experience of soul. What ever I do and however I think, I want it to be an experience of soul.

I learned how to just be today! I realized that I am.

That's it.

Conscious Soul Contact

All of us have a soul. But not very many try to know that soul. I know I have a soul because I get out of bed in the morning.

I know I have conscious real time contact if I accept that soul's help to get out of bed. Like this morning. What time I got up was optional. But if I want to go running for several hours, its best to get started early if its to be a hot day. But when the alarm went off at 4:45 on a Saturday, my ego began rationalizing about staying in bed.

I sat up. My eyes drooped shut again. I thought sleeping more would be great. Why be a runner anyway? Somewhere in this half asleep musing, I remembered that it is my soul who powers my life and my running. In order to run long distance, I need a significant amount of power. To run long distance on a 90+ humid day and start at 6 in the morning requires a tremendous amount of mental effort to do.

The fact that I am training for a race is not enough. Most people would look at my weekly mileage and say, "Aren't you killing yourself? What is some important about doing all that?"

Nothing, except it brings me to my soul.

Now, me and my soul are going to do sit-ups.

The Quest - On Location in Vancouver

My spiritual life is spanning a wide territory this week. On Monday I travelled to North Carolina for a company leadership program. Today I am in Vancouver BC. Tomorrow I am running in the Vancouver Marathon. Last night I got to meet some people from the on-line running club I belong to. They met me at the airport yesterday. When I came out of customs, one of them went crazy running around ringing a cowbell and yelling, "Run Spirit run!!!"  This almost caused me to cry. But then, I had felt the tears coming during the long walk from the airplane to customs.

I have today free. I am having a difficult time stopping my mind for even a second and connecting with my soul/Self; that great interior silent love and peace. I know I keep harping on my spiritual life as THE foundation of my life and that everything else springs from there. What I know of as my life is just a communication effort from my soul/Self to me, the little point of awareness. The foundation is why I make an effort each day to return to the connection and give it priority.

ACIM text reading this morning (A Course in Miracles, the section "Finding the Present): "For to believe reality is what you would have it be according to your use for it is delusional...You would anticipate the future on the basis of your past experience, and plan accordingly. Yet by doing so you are aligning past and future, and not allowing the miracle...to free you to be born again."

Do you ever think about how deeply American middle-classers are programmed to solve deficiencies and increase material comfort? My whole life has been focused around solving problems so I can have what I want for myself. What this means is I have been attempting to make reality be what I want it to be. Incredible! I don't think I've ever understood this as clear as I do today (after numerous reading of the ACIM text).

And yes, I know I want to be born again (not talking about born again Christians). And so I lay down my mental distractions and seek inward toward my soul/Self. It matters little whether I am in North Carolina or Vancouver; the main thing is the reliance on my soul/Self without interfering. That's how I get the miracle. The expression of love from cowbell maniac was a miracle. (Miracles are expressions of love). All the runners I've met are expressions of love. As I type this, I am giving them their true reality as beings of love. Wonderful!

You would not believe what a monumental mental battle I had just to get here. After I got home from North Carolina, I was certain that their was no way I would voluntarily get on another airplane that soon. I fought mentally with the idea of just taking 5 days off from work and re-couping my energy. But, I made it to the flight, and wonder of wonders, United Airlines did a fabulous job of being on-time.

So here I am, typing this blog and periodically shutting my eyes and savoring my soul/Self. IT is right here. I love IT.

(I didn't take any of these pictures)

My hotel is located right near the Y at the end of this bridge. My room is a corner room on the 11th floor with a good view.

This afternoon, I will jog from my hotel to Stanley Park and enjoy the view. Missouri has no beautiful seaside or mountain landscapes.

Here is what the race start looks like. Its not that big a race.

Deciphering Aristotle

Today is Thursday. I returned home from my business trip last night; so this morning, I returned to my regular routine. I got up at 3:15 and spent the first 45 minutes in spiritual study and meditation. Then, I went running for an hour on hills.

I'm not sure you could call Aristotle's "Metaphysics" very spiritual. But philosophies which delve into the origin of being necessarily concern themselves with a first cause. Most of us think this first cause is God.

I'm pretty sure that I mainly have no idea what Aristotle is really saying; and I don't think the translation I have could be accurate. But here is the connection I made for myself. I, as a unique personality (soul), had to have come from somewhere; hence there must be a Source (God) which spawned my soul. To add to that, I'll mention that Paul Brunton, whose essays I am also reading, says that we can connect with a higher intelligence but the higher intelligence is not God (Source). Perhaps the higher intelligence is a step towards God, but not God.

I now define what I mean by "spirituality." This higher intelligence is not physical so I will call it spiritual. My spirituality is the learning about and connecting with this spiritual higher intelligence. Some call this spiritual intelligence: Holy Spirit, Higher Self, Overself, Atman, Tao, Essence, even Jesus is at times considered this spiritual intelligence.

When I turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself, I mean this higher intelligence; not God. I surrender to this higher intelligence because it does a better job of running my life and telling me what my life means than my individual ego. My ego is not my soul. I consider my ego as soul sickness manifested as conscious delusion.

Go'in to the Rock

The Rock is Christ; who I believe is in me and you. And always has been. The Rock is my essence, my inner being, the Love in my heart, the life of my soul. I touch it so vaguely, yet I continue to believe it is truly there.

I've been paying attention to my inner being. I need this strength.

I made it to chapter 2 of Aristotle's "Metaphysics." At the end of chapter 1 he says, "It is evident then...that all men seem to seek the causes ...but they seek vaguely..." And to start chapter 2, "The investigation of the truth...since the truth seems to be like the proverbial door, which no one can fail to hit...but the fact that we can have a whole truth and not the particular part we aim at shows the difficulty of it." And, "For as the eyes of bats are to the blaze of day, so is the reason in our soul to the things which are by nature most evident of all."

Hummm....food for thought!

I've continued my running and working out since the 50 mile endurance run. Today, I ran 19 miles on a trail. It took 3 hours to feel the deeper tiredness. At that point, I could also feel the infinity of the long distance runner.

So I ran another hour and a quarter after that.

Leadership Musings

I am an engineer. I am an ex-nun who maintains a contemplative outlook on secular life. I am an outstanding example of physical fitness. These are examples of areas where I seem to be a leader.

I love the word "leadership." Leadership connects synapses in a way that I become eager. I've spent a week (since starting this blog) wondering why?

I can look it up in a book. I can watch videos from our corporate executives. But if the seed isn't in my heart, I can't be it.

A leader is something you are. It is something you can learn more about and get better at; grow. But what you are really doing is a process of becoming and being. As the process progresses, what I am becoming must feed my soul. If my soul isn't nourished, it won't work.

Speaking of my soul, while I was out running this morning, I was thinking about what it means to live life on a spiritual basis. I keep searching inward, to partner and join that essence, that energy, that inner being. I love that inner being. The seed of leadership and the essence of my soul may be one and the same thing.

I've been reading Aristotle. It confuses the heck out of me, but that is exactly why I read it. As I concentrate on trying to figure out a meaning, I am connecting synapses which haven't been used before. I am using more of my brain and mind. I've also been reading some essays by Paul Brunton. For whatever reason, I needed Mr Brunton to validate my solitary journey. I needed someone to agree that you can progress spiritually without a guru or by following any particular sect. It is sort of a duh moment: if God is a higher power, then he is perfectly capable of contacting anyone open to the contact. I was so convinced by churches and books by "masters" that I couldn't go it alone. But going it alone is my style. Accepting my solitary journey is part of my recovery from monasticism and Catholicism.

I like inner workouts more than outer ones. I feel much better about myself when I listen only to the inner and not to what others think or say I should do.

Fallsburg Marathon - Puzzling IT Out

On the surface of things, just the facts mam, I ran a marathon in 6h35 min.

I am exhausted. It was a trail marathon in moderate heat (75 to 82F with humidity). The trails were what I would call easy with only a few tough spots. But I never run trails, so it doesn't take long on a trail for my quads to jellify. On trails, I'm always concerned about tripping or turning an ankle, so I don't go very fast.

The day started weird. After a distracted attempt at spiritual study, I made a list of housekeeping items that were bothering me about my hotel room. I've never done that before, but staring at hair on the floor and in the bathtub sort of tilted me over the edge.

But, I got my number pinned on perfectly, I mean perfect: straight and not crackely. Those tyvek numbers can at times make snapping noises every foot step if you don't get them just right. I got mine perfect.

Perfect drive to the race. Perfect parking spot. Perfect finding of a great bathroom with no one in it. They start the national anthem. Everyone quiets down, some taking off their hats, some with their hands over their hearts, mostly looking up at a flag which is on a pole in about the center of the crowd. I stand and wait. I have almost no national pride and no desire to conform to the group.

There is a count down and I hear the lamest air horn ever. The first 12 minutes are through a groomed park on a paved bike path; and then the nightmare begins. It takes awhile but I finally realize that this is more a trail marathon than a road/gravel marathon. Whups!

I spend the first 45 minutes trying to outrun four old men who keep telling lewd jokes. they are not bad guys and I'm sure among the general population they are quit normal. However, I prefer not to spend a marathon with my attention on my genitals or copulation. So, I do outrun the guys and find quiet by 3.5 miles.

The trail goes on and we reach a road. The road part is easy. I'm running pretty good. The course is mainly filled with half-marathoners. Only the full marathoners have real race numbers. After the 7 mile mark, I start to see a few marathoners coming up the road towards me instead of away. I ask them if I am off course. they assure me that they are off course and doing part of the course backwards to make up the miles. I am worried; mainly because I know that the second loop on the marathon takes a different route and I never saw that turn. I know I follow the halfers for the full 13.1, but I'm worried about what to do next.

At about 8 miles, we start up a long hill. Its on a road and I pass alot of people, but I notice I'll be going up that hill again for mile 20 thru 22.5. Gulp. After the hill, its back onto the trail. My quads are shot. I realize how unfun this trail might be at mile 24. I keep meeting lost people. I keep asking people if this is the course. It seem well marked; what is their problem? I come to a sign. I read it and go left. A guy who has been lost twice already and keeps catching back up to me actually argues about my choice of direction. I ignore him because he obviously doesn't know how to follow signs.

I finish the half in 3 hours. Gulp. I go by the car and get a power bar. If I'm going to run another 3 hours, I need more than gels and drink. Now here is the important part of the whole tale: I went back out for the second loop!

This ability, this inner force which keeps going, this thing is IT. My quads are shot. I know I could much more easily trip or turn an ankle in that condition. Its not going to be easy. No one is even watching. If I got in the car and left it wouldn't matter to anyone. Yet, I go on. Other people quit. I go on. Marathoners/ultra-marathoners/runners-in-general go on. We have this inner force which manifests in our running. It drives us; not the other way around.

I'm 51 years old. I decide I'll keep doing this insane task for no reason other than....crap I don't know!

After I cross the covered bridge a second time, they do thankfully have a person in the road to tell me where to turn. I'm running pretty much by myself, so the help is appreciated. The mile 16 water station is dry. That worries me only a little because I did decide to carry my two 8 oz water bottles. I look at the 16 miles chalked on the path and think, "Only ten more miles. I can do that." I feel quite the same ebullience as I pass miles 17, 18, 19, and 20. Then I leave trails and come out onto the road and the monster hill. No problem, I'm much better at running uphill on a road than down little steep trails (in fact I can hardly get down some of the trails).

I get to an aid station at about 22.5 miles, where I leave the road again. I think I know whats coming but the trails seems much shorter and easier the second time around; except I'm slower and more careful as my legs seem quite weak. Then the killer. That sign I mentioned where I went left and the man yelled at me? This time, I need to follow it to the right. Before, the left hand path took me to the road and I zipped into the finish. Now, the full marathon second loop has another mile of trails before going to the road. I notice that the trail was newly made within the last day or so. I'm real careful. Now is not the time to fall down. I'm almost home.

Finally, I get up on the road and run for half a mile to the finish. Very quiet finish. Hardly anyone is around. I get my medal and my towel and head for the car. I don't take the offer of hot dogs.

I mix up the protein shake I have in the car and down it. I turn on the ac and change my clothes. And away I go to my hotel; wondering why I did that.

My ego got nothing. My soul got everything. My soul got to push beyond the ego's realm of glory and reward, accolade and recognition; and into the realm of sheer existence. I got beyond anything I trained for or planned. I kept going despite the rubber in my legs. I did it. I finished.

About mile 25, negotiating that last bit of trail, I asked myself if I would trade this for a city road marathon and a speedy time. "No" is the answer. The challenge of this race and the experience of soul is far more valuable.

A Season of Contemplation - Pain

Pain

The extrovert says to the solitary, “Come to our party. Get out of yourself.” The solitary goes to the party, listens to chatter, watches people eat and drink and disappear into private carnal sharing. The solitary goes home to solitude and seeks that inner peace.

Humans are in pain and most of our activities are coverings for the pain. Pain is found behind the building of big houses, having business conquests, going in more and greater running races, being devout in religion and taking the kids to soccer games. The introvert is likely to notice the pain behind social interaction, be conscious of it and retreat from the distraction. Pain is an uncovered and conscious reality for the solitary. The purpose of spirituality is to heal the pain at its root; not by ignoring it in social interaction.

My pain is healed when I connect to my soul. My soul is within and the pain is in fact the disconnection from this inner light. My spiritual work and my athletic work are meant to bring about my joining with my soul and the healing therein. My job, as I see it, is to let the pin surface and turn inward to the peace. As I maintain inner peace, it opens a door for light. I project this light into the world. That is it, nothing more. Peace and light is my truth and who I am.

The Soul's Sleight of Hand

Nothing is required but inner silence; and that is indispensable. Safety and peace are owned from within. Everything I thought I wanted is given by that Great Silent Beauty: divine union, contemplatio, Holy Eucharist.

That paltry faker, enlightenment, the fools gold of the new age, can be thrown in the dirt. I will take the abundance of Silence, the rich beauty of peace, the holy instant of eternal life.

The silent song of my soul gushes forth into that infinity of all; the eternity of an instant. I was there. I am here.

Who needs a mountain, a pristine wilderness, a forest, a private island. Here, wrapped in freeways and jet airplanes and other people's rap, I exist; and nothing more.

The footfalls of the runner slapped against the wet pavement. How far had the ghost of a woman come? Where was the shadow of a person going. The soul's sleight of hand never stops running.

Lent - My Soul

During Lent, I have been making a scrap book. I have drawn a number of pictures for it. Here is a drawing of my soul.

Remembering my Parents

Many people write essays about their parents and in retrospect, their parents look good. Mine don't; forgiven but not saints. What follows is my opinion, my judgement, or my beauty and love; depending on your perspective.

I will be 50 on Monday. When my dad was 50, I wasn't even born. When my mom was 50, I was 15. I hated her guts; not just because it was a teen age thing, but she was a drunk. My mom drank every night, usually through a black out. She was mean in her drunkeness. I hated both my parents and did not value them. Looking back, I have no wisdom that I got from them. They did not teach eternal truths or character values.

Now, here is the retrospect part where I let them off the hook: because of watching them, I have a tremendous compassion and empathy for all people. In them, I saw extreme degradation of the human soul. I knew it was also my soul. I knew we were all degrading our souls by our petty lives. I felt divine sorrow, as if I was God himself lamenting over my lost children. I remember seeing my mother with my human eyes, swaying in drunken sluriness before me. I remember seeing with the eyes of my heart, the unactualized soul behind the drunk. I watched my father doze off on the couch after yet another dinner time emasculation administered by my drunken mother, or his terribly wounded pleading as he asked me to explain the drunk. In them, I could see their divine essence, trapped and crying out to me. The divine soul that I saw was not at all physically visible. It was just a thing I knew in my heart, as I hatefully looked with my human eyes at these impoverished people. When I see soul degradation today, in others or myself, I feel pain and sorrow. I work spiritually and metaphysically to undo the situation.

We, all of us, do things to degrade our soul and cut off the spiritual communication with God. [I say "our soul" because my real life is not my own, but God's; and everyone is the same creation of God. I say "my ego" because egos are separated from God and only pretend to exist as stand alones.] The real pain I feel in compassion and empathy is the tragedy of what we, all of us, do to hurt our selves and trash our divine dignity. My compassion and empathy come into play all the time: as people, we do things which are extremely little, puny and ego oriented. We do almost everything and anything to please our egos. We buy little trinkets, waste our time on TV, chase after money and cheap thrills, and over-eat our lives away; wondering why we are never satisfied and don't know God. The message of all spirituality is that God is within. While I participate in littleness to a great degree, I also resist the tendency, and practice turning in to the inner divine.

As a child, my parents certainly played a huge role in un-dignifying me; stripping me of any semblance of human dignity. I came out of childhood without a scrap of self worth; and maybe never even heard of the concept. In fact, I was an achiever; but I never thought of that as a message that I was a good person. I thought I had managed to fool all the other stupid people into believing I was good. I thought that I was really rotten but good at hiding it. I kept pleasing people and getting approval; and then thinking they were stupid because they approved of me. Nothing satisfied me.

A good deal of my adult life has been spent in finding and healing my human dignity, our soul. I haven't drank for over 23 years. Getting sober was the start of the journey. I'm sure that the only point of my life and my spiritual journey has been the finding of our soul. For sure, the reconnection to God is the main focus of my life.

A Course in Miracles, the Bible, Islamic, Hindu and Buddhist writings, all of these are treasure troves. In them, I mine for true wealth, true connection with God and all that is. Since the age of 22, even before getting sober, I spent hours everyday meditating on some holy writing. And after listening to the words of the writing, I listen to the words of the Silence. I want to hear what God is saying to me. And then I go to work. And then I go running and lift weights. I drink distilled water, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my mouth. I listen to the Silence, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my head. All the while, I am strengthening the sense of our soul, allowing it to live instead of my ego. Our soul is my human dignity. Our soul is my heart. Our soul is my reason for being. When I am done with my ego delusion called human life, I will exclusively be this magnificent soul, that always was and always will be and is not my own. I really only exist in the heart of God.

Monday January 12 is my 50th birthday. Stop back by and leave me a comment!

My Soul's Purpose

Today, I got up at 5, did prayer until 6:30, lifted weights and got to running by 7:05. It was a beautiful day, especially for January; only 25F, no winds, clear skies. I ran 20 miles in 3 hours and 34 minutes. Then, I buzzed to the post office and the ATM at the bank across the street. At the ATM, I looked at the Dollar Store, right there. Inside are these cheap chocholate chip cookies I like. I just ran 20 miles; don't I deserve a package of cookies?

I didn't do it. Something inside me kept me from getting the cookies, eating them and feeling bad. What kept me from doing it? Did I unconsciously have a higher value with higher ideals which became my driving force? Was the power of God active and channeled through this higher value? The needed power to avoid unhappiness was there today.

Lets say that anything happy is powered by God through this higher value which I will call Soul. Soul empowers me to keep from hurting myself. (I have done alot of work to achieve this clarity of empowerment.)

So... running long slow distance (LSD) defies the ordinary person's unclear, non-Soul reasoning. Ordinary people just don't think LSD is a reasonable thing to do, especially if you are old (like me?). Yet for me, the needed power is there to do something extremely radical which produces transcendence experiences. I assume the needed power is that of God and Soul. I assume the power of God and the desire of Soul are behind the LSD; not ego. I must believe I run for some reason other than ego gratification; as the ego's running glory is widely dispersed and short lived. Hmmm...I run for my Soul's sake.

What is my Soul's purpose in LSD? As I internally ask, the answer immediately pops out: perhaps to keep me out of the ordinary so I will continue to awaken to the extraordinary. I have had many opportunities and success at ordinary social engagement. My Soul was not thrilled. My Soul kept urging me into the non-ordinary, transcending to extraordinary. My Soul's purpose could be what kept me from the ordinary man's cookies today; or his religion, or eating habits, or career, or entertainments, or chemical usage, or typical relationships.

Suddenly I am grateful. I want to find the extraordinary because I want to be free; not an ordinary slave. I want to be alive; not slowly die of ordinary materialism and satiety. I want to know my Soul and hence God. That is my purpose for life. It goes hand in hand with my Soul and together we rise to Heaven.