On Love

 This morning, I was reading an essay by a philosopher, Bertrand Russell, in his book of essays "Why I am not a Christian." The particular essay is entitled The Good Life.  "Love is a word which covers a variety of feelings...Love is an emotion...on one side pure contemplation; on the other, pure benevolence." 

Suddenly it struck me, as my mind flashed on Jesus' saying "God is love."

God is an emotion. My mind expanded into the universe. 

Abraham always says, "There is great love here for you." Abraham is non-physical energy communicating through one woman. But Abraham is also teaching people about how to connect with higher consciousness. When Abraham says that there is great love for us in non-physical consciousness, what do I take that to mean? Abraham has helped me to deliberately and consciously choose how I want to feel at any given moment. Love is a feeling. God is love. There is great love here for me. Non-physical is here. I am a sentient being. What does love feel like? Love is a variety of feelings. Love is non-physical here in the material world too.

Love is a confusing word. Did my parents love me? Coming from a troubled home, I didn't have that experience. I don't have a husband or children, so I don't know what that type of love means. I love dogs.

In 12 Step groups, people often have difficulty with the idea of God. They really don't want anything to do with it, and this thinking is the biggest defeat of Alcoholics Anonymous. In step 3 we are to turn our will and our life over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Elsewhere, the textbook of AA calls that power "God as we understood Him." Religion fouls people up because they are seeking a personality, an entity, or a voice to turn their will and their life over to. In my thinking this morning, I thought, "Holy shit! God is an emotion. In this word, there are big implications." We get out of obsessing for alcohol or drugs by getting out of ourselves, usually by a benevolent act, like helping another. 

Love is a word. God is love. Love is an emotion or a variety of feelings ranging from pure contemplation to pure benevolence. I am a sentient being. Sentient means I am aware of feelings. I can feel. Love is a feeling. My consciousness is mainly made of the translation of feelings. Thoughts come after feelings. That is, I feel and then I have a thought about how that feeling came to exist. Love is a feeling. God is love. Love exists as a feeling. Love is never a thing or an entity. God is never a thing or an entity. 

I can deliberately think and feel my way into love. Contemplate nature or help someone. Feel the feelings.

Geek out on this for crying out loud. It is amazing to have the door open to love and God and the greatness of everything.

God Consciousness

My studies of neuro-science and addiction have wandered far, including much pondering of hallucinogens. The god consciousness people describe during LSD trips seems like something I want but am deprived of.

Lately, I've been reading a book by a neuroscience professor, recovered addict, called "Never Enough" (Judith Grisel). She describes her acid trip like this: "... an ever-present, infinite, and wonder-full energy in, and around, and through, every speck of creation."

Well now. Actually, I know this. I have to admit that I know this ever-present energy without LSD. I know it whenever I want to know it. I just have to remember it. I am quite able to feel it as I feel the energy of joy and realize consciously that the universe is really a joy filled thing.

On another page, "Never Enough" describes the light of the LSD experience as: "...they (hallucinogens) shone a light on what is always available but somehow usually obscured." My daily short attempts to meditate have in fact given me knowledge of this "always available." The thing is that this ever-present energy of joy is not some tremendous out of body experience. It is a subtle knowing sort of thing. The author says that hallucinogens disrupt the default patterns of synapses. The thing is, that any person can also disrupt the habitual thinking patterns without drugs if they want. Just use the spiritual tools.

The beauty of quiet mornings, when I can sit quietly and ponder spiritual matters is that I share these times with a God Consciousness. And I admit that my entire life has been a seeking of this God Consciousness. The seeds of God Consciousness were planted very early and have been growing ever since. Now, in my sixties, I look at a huge tree, impossible to ignore. The growing of this tree is the purpose of my life.

And so, I still do laundry, go to the grocery store and work at a job in the service industry. Also, I will go running in a forest and thank the trees. I will also consciously thank all the people.

Waiting for the Snow

My intention for the day is to go for a walk in a snow storm. I will get what I want. In another hour or two, it will be snowing and I will get all bundled up and go outside. There is something about a long walk in the snow which is necessary for my life.

In addition, I've spent the morning reading about God. Also, this is Thanksgiving weekend. I went for dinner to the monastery and had a nice meal. Since moving to KC, I've spent a good deal of time reading my diaries from when I lived in the monastery. I am trying to understand what happened. How did my emotional condition get so distraught?

This morning, reading about God, meditating, waiting for a snow storm, I wonder if there is no answer to the question. It just was. I just am. Which brings me to what I really wanted to say at this moment.

My life just now is only an existence. I am just being. People who are just being do need to buy food at the grocery store, and go to work to earn a little money; but there isn't so much of a long term agenda. In my career, I had an agenda. It drove me crazy with its desire to get from others. So now I have stepped away.

My entire life it seems has really been about wanting to know God. Clearly I know when that search began and all the things I've tried to know God. Today I will know God in a snow storm. It seems that I need to decide each day to just be, which also means to allow. I allow God to love me and I receive the love, however that looks. Today, it is a snow storm. I'm excited about that.

I had to come to the place where I am in order to just be. Or explore just being in more detail. I wanted to just be in the monastery; but really, I wasn't doing that. It is easier for me to just be here outside the walls. I have realized that I don't need to fix myself any more. It is better to focus on allowing universal love, a feeling of satisfaction, ease and flow. Focus on letting my cork bob.

I am trying to learn the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Think about it. Why should this matter?

The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother's womb because I knew that this life's journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn't born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn't born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, "Okay God. I'll do it."

When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, "I am the bread of life." He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 

Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.

The Silence of My Soul

I wonder if the energy that goes into work is robbing me of inspiration. I mourn the holy leisure I had during my 4 year monastic life.

Are there any thoughts which are not spiritual?

Looking at facebook pictures of a sister getting ashes, I wonder, "Does it help to play church all day and live in the play house?"

My soul does produce thoughts I didn't have right before I prayed.

A Course in Miracles 27.III.4 : "An empty space that is not seen as filled, an unused interval of time not seen as spent and fully occupied, become a silent invitation to the truth to enter, and to make itself at home... For what you leave vacant God will fill, and where He is there must the truth abide."

"Reality is ultimately known without a form, unpictured and unseen."

And so, sitting quietly this morning, I had a brain storm. What if "I" am configured like a mag drive pump? Google mag drive pump if you don't know what that is.

 Essentially, the impeller part of the pump, in its casing, spins and moves liquids. That I think is like my ego mind or ordinary consciousness. The motor causing the impeller to spin is connected magnetically, but the impeller itself doesn't know this. Like my ego mind does not know how it comes into action. The motor is like the right side of my brain; totally in control of the left side and itself connected both to power and to communications. Power for the motor is connected to a Source, the power plant. So I see it as the Spiritual connection to Source. Communication is a connection to a control room which orders starting and stopping and speed. I see the control room as Higher Self. It also of course is connected to Source, but differently than the individual motor and pump.

Don't get too carried away with the analogy. Just imagine yourself connected in some way, in touch with Spirit and part of a whole. It feels good.

I don't need to go around playing Church all day and night. I just need to pay attention to my spiritual connections. I know it is impossible for any one to not be connected.

Because It Is the Truth

The Inner Shift, A Course in Miracles Text 21.VIII

I first read the Course in Miracles Text in 2007. I'm now on my 9th reading. I've done the workbook more than once. Frequently, I suddenly understand something I didn't "get" on previous readings. The Text is like a gold mine, with nuggets of golden inspiration available for the digging every time.

This morning I "got" one.

Yesterday, I had a happy day at work. I was happy because no one got on my nerves. I thanked Higher Power for that. This morning, reading the ACIM text, it occurred to me: I  want to be happy to feel better, not because it is the Truth.

Ahhhhh! That is what the Text is saying. Desire happiness, joy, Relationship with Higher Power, because it is the truth; not to feel better. Cuz, if you desire it for Truth, no matter what happens you are happy with HP's Will for you. You're not in it for your small self.

Yesterday I worked out per my usual twice a day. No I didn't rest from my 10 day vacation. I just reverted to my usual work day routine. Exercise is a way of life. Daily workouts are a way of life. I just do them.

Now, I need to get over to the elliptical and do one now.

Lesson 254

"Lesson 254: Let every voice but God’s be still in me.
1 Father, today I would but hear Your Voice. In deepest silence I would come to You, to hear Your Voice and to receive Your Word. I have no prayer but this: I come to You to ask You for the truth. And truth is but Your Will, which I would share with You today.

2 Today we let no ego thoughts direct our words or actions. When such thoughts occur, we quietly step back and look at them, and then we let them go. We do not want what they would bring with them. And so we do not choose to keep them. They are silent now. And in the stillness, hallowed by His Love, God speaks to us and tells us of our will, as we have chosen to remember Him."

It is Friday afternoon. I am drinking coffee. It is quiet here in my house. No "entertainment." My head is not raging at me. I don't think I want to go anywhere. And for some reason, I've not quite put the energy together to do any workout. Maybe after some more quiet time, I'll feel like walking.

I have been reviewing my journal for the past year. And also thinking about some successes for the coming year. There are some obvious themes which characterize my thinking. The themes should be obvious but until I looked back and saw it written every day, I didn't exactly know how frequently I thought that. A Course in Miracles would just say "These thoughts do not mean anything."

My life doesn't have any big problems. So my spirituality is not about trauma. I'm discovering a spirituality of quiet all on my own. Of course, I've read books on silence etc. Now I've got quiet in all of my own life (not just when meditating) and my ego doesn't have any big deals to yell at me about. I realize that creating another project to occupy me is exactly what my ego would want. But to sit here quietly and not start anything; that is the challenge.

When you study scripture's origin and the community from which Jesus probably came and scrutinize Paul's Christianity, you are left with nothing true about today's Christianity. You stop trying to prove anything by quoting scripture because you know it is wrong. Eventually, you observe the void, feel the null. No emotion is left.

It is 2014 and the internet is everything. So the monastic order in which I was formed has a face book page and tweets and videos. I look at the pictures frequently and know the people in them. I may not be there physically but the sisters are in my mind everyday. What does this mean? Is it good or bad? They are doing something new. The Roman Church is have a "year of consecrated life." I have qualms about that. But because of it, the sisters started wearing traditional habits on Sundays. It is yet one more example of why I don't belong there. I go running on Sundays, not sit around in my habit.

I can completely write volumes about my universal non-special concept of God. I've lost my vehemence to do so.

So back to silence. Listening to the quiet Voice for God and doing nothing.

My Own Life

That is, live my own life. Take ownership of it. Stop feeling bad because I am not doing it someone else's way.

Maybe it is the age of 55+ years that allows me to finally say that and be mostly able to live up to it. Mostly.... Sometimes fear of those "others" still gets in my face.

But in my spiritual/ meditative work this morning, that is the intuitive response to my silent seeking. Live your own life.

I get up every morning at 3:30 am (and have for many years). First, I sit at my kitchen table, with coffee, and read spiritual material and also make silence in my mind for silent reaching out and silent listening. Then, I work out for about an hour. Then, I shower, grab my stuff and get to work by 6:30.

I am a vegetarian of the convicted variety. It means I'm not doing it for health but because I strongly believe eating meat is consciencously wrong. I also restrict my diet as much as possible in other ways since I also believe that participating in the Great American Obesity Machine is wrong. I don't like eating at table with others.

I abstain from participation in society and entertainment and consuming (as much as possible) too. No religion, TV, voting, sex, family, holidays, football, face book, and etc. There are aspects of work culture which mirror society and I don't participate in those either.

I tried for many years to achieve "enlightenment." But it seems to me now, that as long as I sought enlightenment per someone else's definition, I missed the enlightenment in my own heart. If I truly appreciate what I have been given for my own spiritual growth, then it is much more beneficial for me and I am given more. Along those lines, reading a book on the evolution of world religions or a Greek philosopher from the early Christian era or someone's research on early Christianity helps me to remove or discount beliefs which I have been given by society. I at least know where these beliefs about God came from; not God in any case but men who had their own agendas. (Yes, I meant men.)

I take ownership of A Course in Miracles as I have been a student 6 years. It has brought much mental peace and joy. I take ownership of my non-participation in the general mass habits; renunciation as it were. I take ownership of my solitary life. I take ownership of being an elderly athlete. This stance is to dis-obey survival synapses and the fear they generate and stand alone against the tribe.

I'm not going to feel less than or guilty because I am what I am. This could be a new era in mental health and appreciation of life for me. If I can successfully throw off peer pressure and just love me for what I am. It is finally possible. Of course people say this to each other all the time; but most people do not dare go outside society's rules and be a unique individual. I have been trying this process for awhile, well probably at leat 5 years. I see happiness in it which I never had before.

Lectio Night - Fridays in Lent

When I was in the monastery, I learned about "lectio divina"; holy reading. It is also holy reading which winds itself down to holy listening.

Also in the monastery, during Lent, Friday evenings were special lectio nights. These night were extra quiet. After Vespers, we could have a quiet meal or not; but then most of us were in our monastic cells practicing lectio divina. Hence the name Lectio Night.

So here I sit, an ex-monastic, but real time engineer and person in the world. I've been going through an experience which I can't figure out. Why God have we messed with this situation? I have decided to have a lectio night right now.

I said yes to the nebulous universe. I put myself out there. I took the risk. I am willing.

The older I get, the more I wonder, "What's it all about Alfie?" And I know I'm not alone in that question. I know I can have a life of service helping others. I know I can have a life of prayer. I know I can have a life dedicated to God and striving to be of maximum service to God. Every minute of every day is a spiritual experience. But I frequently have no sense of What For?

Why did I suddenly apply for that job? Why did I get the interview? Why did I look extra nice this morning as I went to the interview? This serves as temptation for conflicting thoughts about my current job. It provides an opening for my ego to start a critical harangue about me. If I don't get an offer, then what was this experience for? If I do get an offer, do I want to accept it?

I knew about the job through a fluke of the modern age: LinkedIn sent me an e-mail. I applied because of a small nagging thought that I should. Then I was surprised that I got the call. Then I dreaded going to the interview. Then I decided to try for the brass ring. If I got the job, it would be a brass ring. I have to try. then I thought of the one hour interview as my hour of power. One hour in my life to shine. I did shine.

Coming home to solitude, I wonder. I see the ongoing issues in my life that require my attention. I know that I can't run away from the hassles of life.

More than 10 years ago, the day after I was asked to leave the monastery, I was driving to the city to figure out what to do with myself. I was crying and pounding on the steering wheel saying, "Why me God? Why do I have to be the one that leaves? Why do those other stupid people get to stay?" The answer I heard inside was, "Because you can."

What will I hear from my inner self about why I interviewed for a job? I hope something. If it is nothing then I have to face that too. Solitude is about facing what ever it is. Conscious contact is about the truth of the silence and stillness. Nothing can fix the gaping emptiness. Cry out! Nothing answers. Sit in awe.

Augustine's Two Cities

I was reading Glittering Vices this morning in the chapter on "vain glory." This quote appeared from St Augustine: "Accordingly two cities have been formed by two loves: the earthly by the love of self, even to the contempt of God; the heavenly by the love of God, even to the contempt of self. The former, in a word, glories in itself, the latter in the Lord. For the one seeks glory from [human beings]; but the greatest glory of the other is God, the witness of conscience. The one lifts up its head in its own glory; the other says to its God, 'Thou art my glory, and the lifter up of mine head' ."

This quotation explain why I have divorced myself from society. I wouldn't say I'm totally intent of glorifying God, but that I am intent on relinquishing self for the purpose of knowing God or following Spirit. American society mainly reminds me of the first city. I would not say I dwell in the second city either but that I'd pick a consciousness of love and credit to God as modus operandi. For me it is a continuum I move along, ever going towards the God idea and away from the self idea.

I had a drunk dream last night. Only it wasn't me that drank. The context of the dream was an AA group. One of the longer term members had a terrible event and she drank. Then another younger term member drank because the first one drank. I thought that was stupid; but anyway, the dream continued on in that we got both people to meetings. We also got the group together and no one else drank.

Sobriety in AA is about overcoming a spiritual malady. May I always realize that reliance on God is the foundation of my sobriety.

I think about running and racing as I sit here with one foot in a boot, recovering from surgery. How will I shape my fitness in the future. I can't with a straight face say that ultra running is a good idea. I'm not sure I can say that marathoning is a good idea. What is a good idea? I don't know. The idea of relinquishing ego and transcending self once again raises to the surface. How do I live the reality. Which reality? I did enjoy an early morning jog in El Lago. Lets hope for that.

The Nature of Things

1. Almost all stories and teachings that I have read about how to connect with God require an altered state of consciousness. That is: meditation, adoration, drugs, brain injury, fasting, long distance running, isolation and silence.

2. Sometimes God comes as a spontaneous gift of revelation. Nothing can be done to make this happen.

So, the normal waking awareness is not enough for divine Union. At least, that's what we all believe. I personally think that divine union experienced as a result of one of the items in #1 above are yielding a false god; more likely just brain chemistry in action. God is really dopamine.

3. My main fear is of other people.

I live in a totally man made environment. There is very little about nature in my daily life. All of my daily challenges come from encounters with others. Most people don't like to identify this fact so clearly or admit that fear of others is the main driving force.

I've spent my adult life chasing God. I've claimed that the use of spiritual practices has made me a person of great inner calm. At this point in my life, I have rejected the dopamine God.

I am alive and very emotionally stable; but I have no actual purpose for being alive. Unless you say that faith in the eventual spontaneous coming of Revelation is what I am living for, then I don't have a purpose.

If I see my purposelessness as a horrible thing, very sad, then no wonder I try desperately to find a purpose in serving God. It seems ridiculous that a human race would exist with consciousness but utterly no higher reason for being alive. So, yes we are driven to find the higher. We can't stand being nothing. (Especially Americans).

Should I go participate in public service so that I can feel good about my existence? haha, no I'll just go consume some more.

Mystic Musings

One of the things that has bugged since leaving the monastery is whether I can be a mystic if I have a job and live in the world. See, I went to a monastery because I believed that you had to in order to achieve the necessary environment and teaching which would make a mystic.

The people who write books about enlightenment and mysticism are usually people who are able to achieve a life outside the work-a-day world.

Sort of like, if you were called to be a mystic then you'd have succeeded at monastic living and have a teacher. If you have a job, you weren't called and God won't come to you. This worry about God is a false teaching and can't be true.

Living in a world of people who have not placed any priority on spirituality does lead one to think that only monks could be successful.

I am not able to talk face to face with anyone about mysticism. This means that instead, I am talking about work or running. So people think that these are whats important to me. But not so. Being a private mystic makes it less "real" because there is no ego validation.


Monastic or not, I feel my first priority in life is spiritual growth, connection with that mentality beyond my worldly consciousness (mysticism). And I am so dedicated regardless of whether my job hinders the relationship or not.

My life is my dream. I can change the God rules in my dream. In my dream, God just is with is. No need to a drastic mental or physical circumstance. Only thinking I can't hurts me.It is highly likely that all I've learned about God from society and religion isn't helpful. I have a second hand God.

The real God would just be......

Truly, the relationship is there whenever I remember it is there; any brief moment of remembrance and boom, there it is.

I have to put some active conscious priority on my desire for God.

Hogwash (not)

Blogs about God can be boring. The God topic seems so "something." I guess because I no longer get inspired by anything other than A Course in Miracles text. I no longer want anyone else's opinions.

More robots read this blog than people.

Many running blogs I find interesting. I love reading ultra runner blogs and hearing about long runs.

Why is this post called "Hogwash"? Because: Last evening, I took an evening off workouts and I gave God some space in my mind. After a bit of silent conversation, I thought, "God is not hogwash." And so, I start from there by just taking up the listening position.

So, this morning, I woke up before the alarm, did my spiritual study, and hit the trail at 6. In my mind was the following God thought: I do not understand what anything is for and so I do not understand what anything means. I merely rise and go to Him in peace.

I kept that up for 6 hours and I jog/walked my way through 25 miles and 60 oz of water and other fuel. I think I will be able to complete a 50k in 2 weeks.

But the situation does need reflection. I realized that I have to do ultras because I want to be training for 6+ hours or have the opportunity to be on a trail for 7+ hours; not for swag or any sort of bragging. It is the idea of endurance which I so much seek. Endurance is eternity to me. I yearn for eternity. And, A Course in Miracles is my only solution to that problem. A number of friends are running the Boston marathon on Monday. Despite running a qualifying time of 15 min less than what is required for entry (which would have put me in the second qualifying bracket and I would have got in); I would hate the whole Boston experience. So I didn't enter. I'm glad. I can think of nothing worse than being in huge crowds and spending big bucks and being pissed off about it for 3 days. Along with running a PW race.

Instead, I'll be in Missouri in 2 weeks quietly shuffling along for 31 miles, picking up my finisher medal and going home.

For me, its the very act of quietly shuffling along. I'm the most unimpressive runner on earth.

After I got done with my run, I had a small green smoothie sitting in a cooler in the car. It was THE.BEST. SMOOTHIE.EVER. Loved it.

The Remedy for Everything

God is the only goal I have today.

That's it. As soon as I think that, my fears dissolve. That is, fear is not just fear. It is my goal of fear. Yes, all my fear is made by me to meet the goal. Once I am afraid, I have no chance of knowing God and knowing I am loved and cared for and safe.

But as soon as I shift my goal from fear to God, I feel fine. I have no goal in this world.

Today I had a bit of extra time. First I bought a new treadmill; a good one from an equipment supplier, not a box store. I need this to reduce my concrete running and to do hill workouts here in flat Houston.

Then, after a little "work from home" and lunch, I went out for a 9 mile jog in the park across the street.

An interaction with another person today left me with a low grade ego resentment. As I ran laps around the park, I sorted through my fear. After about 1 hour and 20 minutes, I realized I could give it to God. And so I did. It vanished.

Nothing can bother me if I stick to my goal: God is the only goal I have today.

Love

My spiritual creed starts with a prayer: Father in Jesus' name remind me of

Your love for me and of my love for You.

And so, if God is love, then this prayer is answered. In every way my life becomes about remembering His love for me and mine for Him.

If I think He answered with a painful difficult situation to teach me, then I am seeing it wrong.

So, I have a problem with my knee which is probably a torn meniscus. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Did God send it as a difficulty for me to learn or is it an expression of love which I am seeing incorrectly?

I have no neutral thoughts. I see no neutral things. All the meaning I see is what I decided. So, do I choose a loving God or a tyrant?

What is the content of a torn meniscus? Not the form, the content. Am I filled with fear? If so, then I didn't choose a loving God but a tyrant.

You realize that society, history and the Judeo-Christian tradition teach that God is a tyrant.

I am forced to change my ideas of what I will do. I am an athlete, but the ego of running and racing is torn from me. Fitness becomes a quiet manifestation with no meaning in the world. Something which has no worldly aspect (ie, not where others can see and react), cannot be of the ego. Hence, it has the potential of being love.

Does it make sense that God is a choice? Yes. If I decided he is a tyrant, then that is what I think. If he actually is love, he wouldn't attempt to change me. He would wait until I wanted him; at which point He would send immediate help. Even so, it takes awhile for me to change my choices and beliefs, at least from my perspective.

No, the enlightened or special religious don't have an edge because of their position or religious validation. We all have an equal chance to live in God's love or not.

I want the content of my life (mind) to be love. And so, that is the help I am given.

The Core of Happiness

Last night as I was riding my Nordic Track, I felt so happy to be one of the few people who get up off their butt and go do something. See, eating peanut butter out of the jar and laying on the bed are options. I certainly could rationalize laying about.

But there is this inner core, this something else, which wants a life of activity, health, fitness. As I exercise, I feel happy. Maybe its just the endorphins. Ok, I'll take them.

I ponder the feeling. I know that my efforts to stay in shape are a symptom of my choice for happiness. I used to get pissed off when people said happiness was a choice. Years later, and after being A Course in Miracles student for awhile, I find that I can choose happiness. I can choose the Voice for God. I can choose that inner something as what I identify with, and not my negative troubled ego self.

I don't think the God connection is hard wired. I think it is something you can make if you divert your attention to it.

One of my phrases for today is: "Father my freedom is in You alone." This thought helps me surrender the illusion of the world and return to God as my reality.

No Resolutions

I hope everything stays the same in 2012. I have no need but to keep on keep'en on.

I moved and got a new job in 2011. So I hope neither of those things happens for years.

I find myself totally in love and dedicated to "The Goal of God" in this lifetime; as a student of A Course in Miracles. In fact, to say I am totally head over heals in love with God and the Course material is an understatement.

I'm going to be 53 in a few days. When I was younger, I don't think I reflected on what that would be like. I can only frame my life in it's spiritual quest; of which endurance training is a part. I do not life in the main stream of society. Running and physical fitness is one of the ways I renounce the world.

I am the owner of a new duplex in Texas. I still walk downstairs and look around the living room and can't believe I own this place. It is very much a palace to me. It is also the most practical thing for me to live in given the current circumstances of my life. I do not know what anything is for. The purpose of God is all I really care about.

That I live in Texas was not in the plans for 2011. So I do have to wear the garment of the world loosely. I can't really say what the illusion I project will look like.

I have a spiritual creed. I occupy my mind with these thoughts, along with the ACIM work book lessons. When I am running or working out on my equipment, I keep repeating these spiritual thoughts instead of letting my mind wander down dark corridors of fear. The creed hasn't changed for months. I touches me deeply and I cling to it. Some of it can only be interpreted by Course students. Terms (like forgiveness, miracle, innocent, Christ vision, atonement, truth, love, holy instant, mind) have different meanings than those used by non-Course people.

Father in my soul's name remind me of,
Your love for me and of my love for You.
If I am afraid I am deceived.
I am spirit, Grace means most to me.
Fear is lack of love. Atonement heals.
Expanding love is my reality.


In the holy instant I forgive.
Miracles come forth as love expressed.
I am not alone my soul is here.
My soul is the undoing of the dream.
The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God.
I hear Him speak quietly in my mind.


Giving and receiving are the same.
True appreciation is my gift.
The innocent see perfection truly.
Christ vision is where they put all their faith.
My mind holds only light and it shines out.
I see God's majesty in all others.


God is not symbolic. Love is fact.
His peace is always firm. Love I believe.
Into Your hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens from the dream.
Eternal Silence lives It's life in me.
Still and silent Love has set me free.


Truth is my commitment. Joy I am.
Love is my intention. Silence seen.
Love based thinking is my one desire.
Inner peace is what I really want.

The Yoke of God

There are people who decide to put their lives in service of religion, whether secular or monastic. As a result of taking up these responsibilities, they receive the approval of the religious community and the belief that God is also happy with them. As they carry out their religious role and responsibility, they also have engaged certain chemical functions in the brain called the dopamine reward cycle.

So the result of religion is a steady drip of dopamine which provides a sense of well being. Like any addict, the person will defend their religious practices to the death; maybe not even knowing that they are defending an addiction, not anything that really has to do with God.

Wait a second! What did I just say? "...not anything that has to do with God?"

Yep, either God is every where and equally FOR everyone no matter what, or God is a selfish angry bastard which I want nothing to do with. All religions think they are special to god. The bible describes the angry version of god. I studied the bible in various venues from Roman Catholic Seminary to atheist publications to scholars in Ivy League universities. I no longer believe it is 100% true or sacred. While beautiful and containing wisdom, there are plenty of other documents which are beautiful too.

It is very difficult to leave a belief system because you lose the dopamine reward it was providing. To do without the approval and the dopamine is very frightening and depressing. But, to think different thoughts than the main stream of people, you have to step out of the stream. It is difficult to dare to be different. It is difficult to brave the disapproval of the group.

If there is one monastic practice I've kept strongly, it is renunciation of the world. But I live here, so I renounce by taking myself out of the mainstream. There are numerous ways to not-go-along with the group. When you add them up, it produces a different out look on life. To have different thoughts, you have to get away from the main stream thoughts.period.

I don't want my life to be one dopamine reward cycle after another. I don't want my God to be a function of dopamine. In not-going-along, I lose my dopamine rewards. So happiness and life satisfaction has to come some other way. God has to have some other basis for being.

I do study some spiritual material, but it is not an evangelical matter. I can't even explain it here. The text has to be studied and digested. It's thesis is not at all what is taught to most people.

God is Love

I went to sleep last night thinking my spiritual quest was in such a shambles. My structure has fallen apart. I don't believe anyone else's teachings. As a side note, my life is in limbo as I haven't heard back about a major variable.

Today, Sunday, I did my usual sleeping in and I got up with no idea what I'm doing. I sat down with my coffee and wrote, "Spirituality. Pittsburgh. KC=just show up and do your best."

Then I closed my eyes and remembered the nurturing presence I call love. I have faith in love. I trust this love. I surrender to love. (Somehow the thought of surrender put angst about Pittsburgh to bed).

God is love. But we never really know God. We know love; especially if we are willing to explore love in its abstract form. We don't know God. Even those who have had the big enlightenment don't know God. This is because the enlightenment is experienced through a biochemical reaction in the brain; which can be reproduced through various physical means. Love doesn't do this. It is illogical to identify love as anything more than pure is-ness.

God is love. Not just what Paul says in Corinthians (patient, kind etc.), but the underlying substrate of everything. I mean the substrate of the atom, nurturing the photon. I mean the substrate of the universe, nurturing the birth of suns and galaxies. As a substrate, love just is.

Love is. I can sit quietly and feel nurtured by love. This nurturing feeling is a return to the birth of my consciousness; the time when I came to be. That time is now. I am always now and never before or to be. Now is the meaning of love. My feelings are my faith. The truth is that this love just is. If love is a consciousness, it is a different consciousness than mine. Our relationship is carried out in the intangible such as surrender, trust and faith. Love is not graspable and this quality is what makes it truly God.

Today is a beautiful day outside. I am going to load up my hydro-pak and go for a suburban hike.

Sun Worship

I was reading someone's poetic reflections on the beauty of nature at sunrise and sunset. It sounds good on paper, but my American life in the city doesn't provide anything charming or mystic about the sun. Its just plain old freaking hot; so turn on the AC.

I do have an inner sun (the God part), which I could say is the only sun I appreciate. If I appreciate the mysticism of nature, its more in the silence of predawn hours when I am out running. Or the call of the first bird. This morning, I ran in the predawn heat and humidity; but it was peaceful.

Should I stop believing in God since I have no proof? I am the type of believer who says, "Who then made all this?" The physical world is an illusion. The energy behind it is more what I mean by creation.

I'm also the type of believer who says, "Into your hands I commend my spirit." After I surrender my life like that, I really do feel at peace with what ever outcome happens. If I was merely an animal, I wouldn't need to do this consciously. If I was merely an animal, I wouldn't have to decide if I want to live either.

Deep down under all that I am, before you get to the God part, is hatred for being alive. I am aware of it, and its effects on my life. I don't know what the cure for it is; so I just deny it power over the life decision and give it donuts instead. That seems to work!