Self Isolation Perspective

I have been in isolation since I left my job 14 days ago (not including today). Yesterday, my employer extended the pay period to May 3. So I still have 31 precious days. My isolation is in a rhythm. I speak occasionally to store clerks and I nod hello to people on the trail. An occasional text. Conversations are very few, maybe 3 in the past 14 days. Despite these pandemic times, I enter the silence of isolation with a quiet mind and the ability to maintain inner peace. This quiet mind stands out as a difference from other times when I have been unemployed. The occasional intrusion of bad news or frightening headlines gets fed into the stream of well being, which flows quietly through me, and I watch it float away.

I've wanted to be a hermit for a long time, since I learned about solitaries in the monastery. Right now is the first time in 61 years that I have achieved such emptiness as I have now. I don't need to worry about getting a job. I'm not going to class. There are no AA meetings. An empty life. I am coming to see how I am in my natural state, outside of societal programming or interaction.

I like sleeping, morning coffee, the view from my kitchen table, the apple blossoms popping out, the forests in which I walk or jog , lifting weights, eating well and little, spiritual reading with meditation and writing.

I learned a new word today: elision. Elision is a deletion, like elision of my social life. Does this leave me with only my soul for company? Yes, I think. My ego doesn't really have any plans or things to compete for or people to push against. And I feel at peace with that, surprisingly enough. My ego has little to say.

I've wondered if I should impose some more aggressive schedule on myself. So far, I've let the natural rhythms exist.My ego wants a schedule to show that I'm not wasting my life by merely existing. Using my isolation to merely exist, to commune only with my soul, cannot be shown to be productive.

I've always wanted to know the value of "just being," mere existence. What does it mean to be human if you are not engaged but isolated? Does my life only mean something if I achieved worldly notoriety?

I am uplifted and inspired by this intense focus this morning on communion with my soul. I sometimes call my soul the Christ within, even though the word Christ comes with a lot of religious baggage. The word Christ within came to me from contemplatives of times past. I allow the Christ within to be free of religion and just represent the inner truth of my human soul. I feel thrilled by this open door to my inner being.

The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother's womb because I knew that this life's journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn't born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn't born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, "Okay God. I'll do it."

When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, "I am the bread of life." He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 

Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.

Laps for nothing

Today I ran in Meador Park.

50 laps of this place:

What happened to the double marathon?

Well, I did drive to Dallas on Saturday and stayed in a hotel. I go up at 3:15 to get ready for a 5am race start. At 3:30, I received an e-mail from the RD cancelling the race due to thunderstorms. Any reasonable person would have gone back to bed, figured out how to have a nice day in Dallas and started the second marathon the next day.

Not me. Unfortunately, I was wired, completely wide awake even though I had hardly slept. I couldn't face the idea of spending 24 hours in that hotel room. I didn't think I wanted to go run around the lake for 20 miles just as a training run (remember it was a severe storm alert). In fact the only idea  that resonated with me was: If you leave for Houston now, you can have I45 all to yourself. Have a nice run when you get home. Save the hotel money.

Before I know it, I'm on the road at a high rate of speed.

So, no marathons at all this weekend.

Today, as I mentioned, I did an 18+ mile jog walk. It was 80F to start at 8:30 am and 88F when I finished 4.5 hours later. I was completely sweaty the whole time. I drank 60 oz of sports drink and 2 Mountain Dews. I stopped mainly because I was out of drink.

This gave me plenty of time to review my behavior patterns regarding races. I reviewed the various times I've quit races and the various times I've not bothered to even start. I reviewed my Boston Qualifying races and my lack of desire to go to Boston. I reviewed the reason I run alot. I reviewed the marathons I've thoroughly enjoyed.

It is clear that I no longer adhere to the numbers game. I see it as an illusion. Specifically, I had planned to complete my 50th marathon this year; furthermore planning it for a race in September where I would be with friends and they could pat me on the back for my accomplishment. That won't happen now.

But was it not an ego goal to begin with? Contrast that with my regular running of laps. I got involved with lap running as a method for self transcendence and prayer. Meditation as it were. If my overall spiritual quest needs detachment from this world, then running laps for no reason is best. So then I quickly drop my worldly ego running goals. Worldly ego goals is: running 50 marathons so I can tell everyone. Self transcendence running: 50 laps in a park on a hot day.

I read books by Henri Nouwen about downward mobility. I read a book by Anthony DeMello about breaking through the illusion. I read books by Paul Brunton about the spiritual quest and glimpses of the Overself. I really want the relationship with the Christ Within more than 50 marathons. So I let go. I drop the world like a rock. I do laps in the hot sun.

The Balance Sheet

Freedom from bondage. Bondage of ego that is.

Downward mobility. As detailed by Henri Nouwen in The Selfless Way of Christ. How does a high paid engineer follow Christ really? I am and can continue to let go of power, prestige and infamy. I do my job and try to help others.

I did something nice for some colleagues this week. They did not reciprocate. My ego noticed this and started in on a mental tear. I realize I am hopeless in the area of doing something without selfishness. Every time I do something good, my ego whips out the balance sheet to see if I profited.

Self centered in the extreme. Driven by a hundred forms of fear. Each day is a new beginning and I seem to arrive at each morning sober. I have a daily reprieve.

Last evening, I listened to a sober lady tell her story. She has 41 years of sobriety. In a few short months. I'll have 30 years. Sobriety in AA, conscious contact with a power greater than myself, is the best thing. A sober life is an amazing thing.

I am at an odd place in life. Or at least different for me. My outer world is stable. It is a chore to go to work each day, but overall, I have a very nice job and I like it. Everything is paid for. On days when I maintain my humility, I can be happy.

So this gives me time and space to continue to probe spirituality; to wonder about self transcendence.

Laps.

It is now hot on the Gulf Coast. Today I did my laps under the trees. I thought about how I started ultra running and doing laps because of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. I thought about my short monastic life. I thought about the vehemence of my first ten post-monastery years. I was not able to pray today. No mantra was transfixed in my mind. But eventually, yes I did pray. I thought a question mark into the universe.

No answer came. But the trail was mostly in a forest. It clouded up a bit towards 2 pm. I felt good. Jog walk jog walk jog walk..... think..... muse about the past. Trying to put the pieces together.

A monastic contemplative goes into the silence. Can I reach silence and still go to work 5 days  week? I have to.

Laps are utterly meaningless; except for the silence.

An Inconvenient Truth

I was laying in bed last night, not getting to sleep, mulling over my spiritual situation. This thought came over my brain waves: you bear the yoke of Christ.

Now that was a shocker. Despite what I think of churches and denominations, I bear the yoke of Christ. It cannot be removed. I read all sorts of opinions about God and Christianity. But I bear the yoke no matter what I think of them. Inesacapble truth.

And so I got up this morning as usual and did my spiritual study. I slammed into Lesson 186 of A Course in Miracles. (found here in entirety, lesson 186). But the pertinent points for me were:
-   acceptance of a part assigned to you, without insisting on another role
-   Let us not fight our function. We did not establish it. It is not our idea.
-   All false humility we lay aside today, that we may listen to God's Voice reveal to us what He would have us do
-   the Voice for God assures you that you have the strength, the wisdom and the holiness to go beyond all images
-   Arrogance makes an image of yourself that is not real...sensing its basis crumble. Let it go. Salvation of the world depends on you, and not upon this little pile of dust...like wind-swept leaves...like mirages seen above a desert...These unsubstantial images will go, and leave your mind unclouded and serene, when you accept the function given you
-  Do as God's Voice directs
-  Salvation of the world depends on you who can forgive

In ACIM, forgiveness is in fact "looking beyond." Looking beyond the dream of this world to Christ within, not of this world. I do in fact understand and practice ACIM forgiveness. This morning, I realized how insubstantial the roles in this world are. How we honor the role of a person instead of honoring the Christ in each.  You don't have to believe in God to honor the inner being of any person. That is the beauty of an atheist. Love just is; no need to attach religion or spirituality or God or any code of morals.

So for a little while this morning, my ego laid aside its frustration over being nobody and instead beheld TRUTH. I closed my eyes as I rode my elliptical and beheld Truth, the core of all which I call Christ. Yes, my vocabulary is corrupted by denominational words. But still, it is the essence which matters, the truth which sparked the word. Someone was beholding and they needed to exclaim. I am exclaiming now. TRUTH.

I bear the yoke of Christ. My way is quiet. In silence I listen to the Voice. And then I go to work. No monastic profession. No religious confirmation. No bowing or kneeling or professing allegiance. No specialness of any sort (thank you atheists). I just bear the yoke.

ORW - Prelude

I'm getting ready to go to Ottawa Canada to run a half marathon. Tomorrow, Saturday, I fly. I'll be met at the airport by a running maniac friend and we will zip into town in time to watch the evening races. I'll be meeting some new people and cheering them in their 10k. On Sunday, I run a half marathon at easy pace with a new internet friend.

Today, Friday, I took a day off work. I slept for 11 hours! And then, after running errands, and after the Houston weather had got to 85F, I went for a 2 hour jog. Yes, I can run in heat and humidity.

Now I have done some packing and eating and soon will do the evening workout.

I marvel at the status of my life. There are so many places where a path had to be chosen and radically different outcomes ensued. I could've stayed in California instead of moving to Missouri. I could've stayed a drunk rather than get sober. I could've skipped the monastery. I could've skipped Texas. I could've got fat and sick. I could've stayed a Catholic, or become a Buddhist.

Have I learned anything? I have learned peace; even in the midst of a busy city existence. I have to find the secret of the desert monks in the midst of cars, airports and a huge chempark.

I find this existence in my living room as I ride my elliptical. I find it in the tiny park across the street where one lap in 0.28 miles but trees provide shade. At the back of the park is a swamp. Birds with long legs find their lunch. Snakes perch on fallen logs.

In the desert, I find Christ within. I find love in all the other people I meet. I find that deep well of the Hidden Christ in the silence within.

The Gifts of God

The "Gifts of God" comes up in the ACIM and it is mentioned in the lesson I'm doing today: "I am entrusted with the gifts of God."

My first thought is, "What gifts of God?" So I read the lesson again. I doesn't really say; just hints. So I resort to asking the Holy Spirit. I get a clear thought, "You don't need to know in words." This response seems like a miracle to me because if my ego understood what the gifts were, then I'd be sure that it was wrong but I'd think I knew what I had.

So I went on and put together a chant for my evening workout:

I am entrusted with the gifts of God.

Christ's hand _ _ has touched my shoulder.

He walks with me and says it isn't so.

He reminds me of the gifts I have forgotten.

The whole thing becomes believable to me because I am certain Christ's hand has touched my shoulder.

I went for my run this morning with yesterday's lesson playing in my head. Something about "Christ's power....I count on God..." seemed to put fire in me. I ran the same 16 miles I did the day before but 23 minutes faster. I am not in marathon shape; but I could do a 12 hour race because no one cares how far you go, just that you stay on your feet for 12 hours.

This evening, I rode my ex-bike for 25 minutes and the elliptical of 45 minutes. Why do an evening workout after a hard morning run?

Go'in to the Rock

The Rock is Christ; who I believe is in me and you. And always has been. The Rock is my essence, my inner being, the Love in my heart, the life of my soul. I touch it so vaguely, yet I continue to believe it is truly there.

I've been paying attention to my inner being. I need this strength.

I made it to chapter 2 of Aristotle's "Metaphysics." At the end of chapter 1 he says, "It is evident then...that all men seem to seek the causes ...but they seek vaguely..." And to start chapter 2, "The investigation of the truth...since the truth seems to be like the proverbial door, which no one can fail to hit...but the fact that we can have a whole truth and not the particular part we aim at shows the difficulty of it." And, "For as the eyes of bats are to the blaze of day, so is the reason in our soul to the things which are by nature most evident of all."

Hummm....food for thought!

I've continued my running and working out since the 50 mile endurance run. Today, I ran 19 miles on a trail. It took 3 hours to feel the deeper tiredness. At that point, I could also feel the infinity of the long distance runner.

So I ran another hour and a quarter after that.

Walking with Christ

This morning I was reading the chapter called Walking With Christ in A Course in Miracles (ACIM) text (31.II).

"...you have come with but one purpose; that you learn you love your brother with a brother's love..."

To agree with something a guy named Robert said, I say (based on the quote) that A Course in Miracles is a course in love. It is a different way of looking at love than is found in the ego's world of illusion. This love has no pain, fear, disappointment, compromise, hate, sacrifice, etc. Most of us do not know what this love is, but we do experience it in small un-noticed ways.

One of the main points of ACIM is that what I think I see is an illusion, part of an ego dream which was thought up by the ego and now exists for me as a dream world of fear and pain. My brother is not exactly the body I see, but the Christ beyond the body; and the Christ in him is the Christ in me. We are one in this Christ Self. So, knowing the oneness, I don't need to be afraid.

But obviously, I still have fearful and hateful thoughts about these people around me. And everytime I approach this topic of loving my borther, I become filled with hate. This feeling of hate, I define for myself, as an attempt of my ego to keep me from realizing I am one with my brother and that what I see is an illusion. If I look beyond, I will see Christ and fall down at his feet in gratitude, love and salvation. At that point, the world is over and I live in a reality of love.

When I find myself in the quiet early morning, attempting to be spiritual, but really thinking about someone at work and how much I hate them, I ask Christ for help and attempt to have a holy instant. And you know what? No matter how real those hateful feelings are, this is what happens:

"Be very still an instant. Come without all thought of what you ever learned before, and put aside all images you made. The old will fall away before the new without your opposition or intent. There will be no attack upon the things you thought were precious and in need of care. There will be no assault upon your wish to hear a call that never has been made. Nothing will hurt you in this holy place, to which you come to listen silently and learn the truth of what you really want. No more than this will you be asked to learn. But as you hear it, you will understand you need but come away without the thoughts you did not want, and that were never true." (31.II still)


Then, I need to get on with my day; but I find that I forget all about the hate. Later, as I encounter whoever I was hating, I don't remember it at all. I find that I treat that other person with respect and try to be helpful. No matter what seems to be going on in my head, I find I behave well.

Thoughts, however, are real and they are shared in our one mind. Am I guilty because I had the thoughts? No, because this world and my body is still a part of the illusion. The hate serves to keep the bad dream going. The hate is not known in heaven or the part of my one mind that exists still in God. The thing is, I want the dream to be over, so I keep going through this process of bringing all my difficult thoughts to the holy instant and coming away without them.

It is difficult, but crucial, to learn that what my ego thinks is not true, ever, period. Learning this lesson and getting beyond my ego is the most loving thing I can do. Doing it is a miracle.

Listening Christ Woman

Normally my weekends are spent listening to the haranguing of my ego and believing its frightening statements about what a piece of crap I am. This weekend, I spent in gratitude for a realization of my Truth.

The spiritual text I study is of dubious background. It comes NOT with any authorization. The denominational religious and the atheists both are aghast. They ask how I could be so dedicated to such unprovable and outlandish proposals.

Yet I am grateful that yesterday, I took an affirmative action in denying both the ego and the world. I decided that I was going to stop listening to the ego, especially as it attempts to defend or attack based on what others say. I decided to stop these thought attacks and listen only to the Voice of peace which I am able to hear whenever I stop for it.

So I reached a point of extreme buoyant happiness in gratitude for The Course. The Course has helped me with the continuously punishing inner beast, my ego. AND it gives me a way to look at the world which extends spirit into every person and situation I encounter. AND it gives me a way to connect with my hearts desire: that ineffable, intangible, higher order consciousness, present throughout the human mind. It goes by various names: Christ, Atman, Tao, Buddha, etc. It is much squabbled over by those who have never realized it. Those who have realized it merely watch and wait, speaking only to genuine listeners.

This weekend, I was challenged in my dedication by 3 different people. I am astounded at my own newly found confidence in my decision. Without anyone's approval and in the face of disapproval, I know what's best for me and I am doing it. Ultimately, it is my inner being which is deciding what I should study, how I should see things and what I should do. I stand on firm ground, strongly faithful to this inner quiet thinker.

I am the Christ woman. The Christ woman alone, lifting weights in the living room, is the Tao. The Christ woman, eating austere as a way of life, is the Sunnyasa renunciate. The Christ woman, running on the levy and nodding at the other runners, is part of a great Sangha community. The Christ woman at work is distributing aid to the poor. The Christ woman studying her text and reflecting is a deep listener. My life is founded on listening, nothing more.

Ye Ha! Go Girl! I am free!

Listening is my act of love and my way of loving Love. Selah.

Intimacy

Wow! I was getting off the freeway on my way home from work. My mind flashed on an image of Mass this morning. I suddenly felt the intimacy of Christ in the depths of my being. It was strong enough to say almost physical, or that the reverberations from the spiritual plane buffeted the mental and physical enough for me to notice it.

This vague sense of intimacy would definitely create a hunger for Mass within my mind. Then it expanded to the guy at the bank, the apartment manager lady, and Georgie (my co-worker's little daughter).

Intimacy with Christ could be seen everywhere; not with the body's eyes but with the intuition. Now if only I could keep the Christ vision permanently.

Crucifixion Mosaic - Clyde Chapel

When I was a nun, I spent many hours pondering this scene; a picture of inner relationships. Today it is still a picture of the various parts of my psyche.

Christ Consciousness - My Brother's Holiness

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) text, chapter 24.VI:

- And where is God Himself but in that part of Him He set forever in your brother’s holiness, that you might see the truth about yourself…
- Your brother’s holiness is sacrament and benediction unto you.
- The Christ in you can see your brother truly.
- Choose then his body or his holiness as what you want to see.

Throughout the ages and in various religious, life and mental contexts, there are people who have discovered Christ consciousness and practiced Christ vision. I say Christ, whereas someone else might say Buddha or Atman or Tao or Self. The word is not important the content is important.

I fervently want to be one of the ones who allows Christ to be my predominant mode of consciousness. It means giving up my selfish thoughts, opinions and attitudes. It means being honest about my self centered fear. Above all, it means seeing my brother as Christ, no matter what his body is doing. There is no chance of me finding the Christ in me if I point my finger at my brother and name his faults. No chance.

It means letting go of my ego consciousness and letting God consciousness be in front. I realize thinking with God is a totally different way of thinking and being than I am right now. I am willing to keep up the spiritual study, personal inventory and meditation in order to achieve Christ consciousness. Jesus waits for me to let go.

It is in the silence of my apartment and my soul where I go to think such lofty thoughts and fervently pray for such a life. It is in the depths of silence where Christ whispers to me and helps me. Christ wants me to succeed at ego deflation more than I could ever know. It is in the surrender of ego that all the powers of Heaven enter my life. What greater thing? Why would I miss the experience of total oneness with God? Only if I valued brotherly hate more than brotherly love. Believe me, if I hate my brother’s driving, I hate him and that is my choice. I fervently work on going the other way: allowing Christ in me to behold holiness in my brother and nothing else.

The New Jesus Paradigm

From A Course in Miracles:
"My mind gives the world meaning." "What keeps the world in chains but my beliefs?"

I am a Roman Catholic, formerly spent 4 years in a monastery, attended Catholic seminary, and am deeply conditioned by standard Catholic beliefs. The standard Christian teaching on atonement is the one I was originally taught: Jesus died for my sins. ACIM changes the meaning of this word, atonement, and how we are saved. Today, I put the ACIM concept of Atonement in my own words (which may or may not be accurate).

Most people blithely say Atonement according to ACIM means undoing; and it does. But here is more: Atonement is not a sacrificial offering of Jesus to God; but a joining with the living Christ (NOW) and sacrificing the ego belief system. The ego belief system is symbolized by the crucifixion story; a story of God needing an offering of His murdered Son before He will see us as sinless. The ego belief system summed up: anything that is not love or peace is ego. Sacrifice, meaning give up, means give up anything not love or peace. Because God is love, all I need to do is give up (sacrifice) my ego belief system in order to enter Heaven. Killing anyone or paying for anything has nothing to do with it.

I subscribe to ACIM because a) I get to keep the personal relationship to Jesus, the living Christ, that I have always had, and b) ACIM makes more sense to me if God is love instead of anger and punishment. I am willing to go through the process and the work of changing my beliefs in order to give the world a meaning of love and peace.

Christ: the Athlete Within

In the past, I have tried to explore my inner drive which shows up as a runner/athlete. I am not training for anything right now, but I am still a runner/athlete. What does that mean? I’m just interested in fitness? Or is there something else? I decided to take “being a runner” out of the material and physical world and explore its power in depth. The thing which runs and lifts weights and rides the bike is an inner drive, a force. Indeed, it is this force that gets out of bed in the morning. This force never slept because it is not really a physical being but spirit.

Today, I feel this force could only be joy and peace, seeking love. The force’s real goal is God; not a personal best in a race or success in career or tons of money and fame. It cares nothing about these worldly things. It is easy to confuse goals and think the force wants success because when success occurs, my ego jumps in a produces happy emotions. This ego reaction has nothing to do with the force or truth. Worldly things are useless except as they are learning tools and experiences to lead me to God.

I am not training for a marathon, but I want to keep the inner force alive and empowering me towards God. I stop and consider God a moment: the holy presence everywhere. I ponder the reality of this silent subtle presence which I find whenever I stop to consider it. No matter what I think I see out there, there is only God.

Who is the root and ground of my being? Who is the force that keeps pushing me to God? My life is my essence, my core, my root, my heart; which is not in my body. This life, the force, is not mine alone. I am merely part of it and a partaker in it. The force of my life is Christ, The Son of God, whose life lives in me. Christ is the athlete and the driving force. Essentially, there is no me, only Him.

The life of Christ is not some stuffy religious concept of morality you find in a church. It is vitality and aliveness and vibrant energy. It is deepest satisfaction. I think of deeper joys than winning an award or getting a bunch of money. Christ is both cause and effect. He is my desire beyond orgasm and the fulfillment of that desire. He is never ending. He is my life eternal. He is my safety beyond locked doors and strong men. He is my body beyond health or cancer and over eating and old age.

I know Christ because I have stopped my outward searching and looked within. I know Christ because I recognize Him in all life.

Christ is the One who spoke through the man Jesus; and who speaks in me today. “I am the resurrection and the life. He who lives in me never dies.” “I am the way the truth and the life.” “I am the bread of life. Unless you eat my body and drink my blood, you have not life in you.” “I am the Son of God.” This was not Jesus talking but the Christ in him.

Christ is the runner in me; not a winner of races but a phenomenal life force. To deny His life is to pretend I myself am glorious for running fast or long, impressing my friends and having better health than everyone else. To live His life is to honor the power as His, live it and humbly give up my life to it. What would I choose to give up (sacrifice): my personal glory or His infinite GLORY? He lives in me whether I know it or not. The choice is mine. Because I want to know Christ, I choose to sacrifice my ego glory. Would I live without Him? Or would I allow Him to live in me? Truth is only Him. I would not live as a sham, an imposter, an ego who has usurped Christ; an ego seeking for itself and destroying all around me.

I allow Christ, honor Christ and consciously let Him live. Do I look different? No. Do I eat and sleep and do the dishes? Yes. The only difference is I know it is Christ, not me who lives here.

I am the Dreamer

I feel awesomely good today. I think it is because at some level, I accept responsibility for being the dreamer of the dream (re: A Course in Miracles, ACIM, 27.VII). My dream is of a world which is filled with hate. It is not scary to accept this at a deep level because I have Help with a solution to the problem. It is not hard to accept that I made the hateful dream because I hate God if I have a solution which assures me I am not guilty and God loves me. If I believe that God made this hateful world, then there is no possible way I could love a God who would do that. If I believe I dreamed this hateful world, but God is here to heal me, then I can love God. My hateful mind needs healing and the healing is provided. The dream is a dream, not real, so I don’t need to be afraid that I have done something horrible for which God will punish me. I just dreamed it. This is the miracle.

My dream consists of a world where the air will hurt me but I must breathe it. The water will hurt me but I must drink it. The food will hurt me but I must eat it. The other people will hurt me but I must interact with them (swine flu is a perfect example of this). Do you see? I have dreamed a world full of hate. But the hate is mine. I had the hate then I projected it into a hateful dream. The hate came from the belief I am separate from God. If I give up the idea that God made this hateful place, then I can accept His help. I trust that God loves me. Loving God becomes my choice. I want to love God, therefore I give up the idea that God made this hateful place, in favor of the idea that I dreamed it; and that I can be completely free of the hate if I accept God’s healing of my mind.

When A Course in Miracles speaks of a miracle, it means a mind has been healed. That mind accepts its dream and goes on to accept happy dreams provided by the Holy Spirit. That mind is enabled to see holiness in everything which used to be seen as hateful. Instead of seeing other people as my enemy, I see them as holy, light-filled, and my sacred companions. Seeing like this is called Christ Vision. Christ Vision is given by the Holy Spirit. Seeing like this is called forgiveness. To forgive is not to pardon, but to look beyond the dream to the holiness present in everything. The real world is beyond my hateful dream world and I can see it as well as live there if I accept divine help.

I feel awesomely good today because I have had a moment of clarity regarding this radical teaching of ACIM. Having a new perception of the world enables me to walk more freely in the world and actually participate more because I am not afraid or hateful. I merely practice the Christ Vision.

Who the f**k am I?

Dear God, I can read the answer about who I am in a book; but I want to know your opinion directly. It is the whole reason I’m contemplative. I don’t want to be an unconscious person. I want to know, or life is a complete waste. Why run? Why be alive? These are the same questions. I keep doing both. I pause and listen with the ears of my heart:

As a child, I was merely trying to survive. In college, I had hopes for a meaningful career. In my 20’s, I hoped God would give me something. God and career joined forces. This modus operandi continued into AA, where I began to hope for a “spiritual experience,” and find a husband. Then I had an era of studying the New Age, where I hoped for enlightened ecstasy. I still wanted God to give me something.

Then, I got a motorcycle and a boyfriend. Pride won and lost. I was cool on the Harley, but I hated the attention because I knew it was fake. People admired my chrome and leather. Once in a while, someone would mention “God on a Harley” or “The Zen of Motorcycle Maintenance.” But I had found neither God nor Zen on the Harley; no spiritual experience. The boyfriend(s) didn’t provide the spiritual experience or even financial security. In fact, the boys were taking up a good deal of time. I eventually realized that the motorcycle and the boys were draining energy from the spiritual quest.

I got rid of both the cycle and the boyfriend. I discovered meditation. Meditation led back to religion as many meditaters are religious in some way. Then, I wanted to go to a monastery, where I hoped to find what the mystics had found. So, off I went. Four years later, finding myself unsuited to their communal life, the monastics booted me back to the secular world.

I made a new life in the secular world. I continued with religion for about two years, until I found I disagreed with its premises. To this day: I meditate, I run, I read, I talk to Jesus, I try this or that technique, I fast, I search the internet, I play free cell, I stay in solitude. This series constitutes a futile search.

I look inside, searching my inner being. I find that part of me continues the futile search, in frustration. Another part of me is happy to rest in peace. If I run, I can get a day-in-day-out peace with my body. If I meditate and study spiritual writings, I can get a day-in-day-out peace with my mind. But what about my spirit?

At the level of my humanity (body and mind), my life has accomplished nothing and means nothing. It is entertainment. If there is a higher level, a spiritual or divine level of existence, it does not produce at the human level. It must be relegated to the un-graspable, intangible, nebulous. It can enter a human awareness as intuition or peace; not as satisfaction or profit, but as fleeting phenomena. If peace and healing are the same, then it can be said that the spiritual heals. If peace and love are the same, then it can be said that the spiritual is love.

Love does produce human by-products. Love is a phenomenon. In my humanity, if I am at peace, then I am also love. Hence, the highest order of human existence is peaceful love or loving peace. In the state of loving peace, nothing about this world, my body or my mind matters. The world, my body and my mind, therefore, must not exist, or have meaning or purpose. True reality can only be loving peace, and not anything which doesn’t matter.

Being alive at the level of loving peace is satisfying. I call this satisfaction Christ. Loving Peace is Christ. I will give up myself to Christ. I will live in Christ, as Christ. Who the f**k am I? Christ. There is no other answer.

Personal statistics: I ran 17 miles this morning after the early morning storm. Since returning, we have had wave after wave of strong thunderstorms. In the ACIM workbook, I am on lesson 157 and in the text, I am at 28.I. I will need to mow the lawn during the week, as I didn't get to it today.

The them of hate becoming the Them of Love

Here is a story about my morning meditation. First, I’ll go back to last night and say that I finished off the evening’s meditation with the thought, “the holiness and sacredness of it all.” All of what? I don’t know. Maybe some great sacred silence which permeates everything. Going back even further to yesterday afternoon, I had the thought of holiness as I ran in the park. I was near the frog pond and Grandmother Tree as I thought of a certain person who helped me in the past and my gratitude; and consequently I thought of the holiness of it all.

So this morning, I get up. I felt defeated and blank minded. I had none of God’s “Revelation.” I couldn’t remember what salvation is or why I would want it. I said in prayer, “I am willing to be at ground zero today.” I felt like I was in the rubble of a failed life: I don’t know how to consistently eat healthy; I am about to spend way too much time driving to another city and going in a senseless ultra-marathon in order to get a finisher medal; my life stretches out in senseless insanity. I noticed that I perceive the future with fear. It is easy to blame future disaster on the small “them” of society: the cheaters and thieves who are out to screw me. I wrote down my fears of the future. I admitted that I was secretly harboring the cause of these disasters NOW. No wonder I feel guilty and afraid. I am the one projecting harm for all because of my hate and pain.

Having gone through my act of admitting to God and giving my hate and pain to God, I returned to thinking, “I accept being a blank slate today.” I returned to thinking of all the people around me and how they hold Christ within, how they are creations of God, and how holy they are. It was just then that I felt like THEY (the face of Christ and the memory of God) entered my empty space. What happened to my consciousness was exactly what I always want to happen: I became empty of my self, giving up my hate and fear, and THEY came in. I said in prayer, “I am willing to be a living temple in a world of light.” I credit THEM with bringing me this reality. It is because I wanted THEM and made a space for THEM and was willing to see THEM in others that THEY came and made THEIR home with me.

The miracle of this morning meditation was that instead of sitting here hating the “them” of society, I had decided instead to accept the “THEM” of Christ and God. I credit THEM with being the cause. It is true that I did some work: give up my hate to THEM. Where the willingness to do this comes from must also be attributed to some part of me higher than my ego. This is a good spiritual path. I offer it to anyone. It can be found in any religion or philosophy. It is very simple: give up your hate and Love enters.

Love is the predominant mode of existence.

Lent - Desperate in the Desert

An unusual morning. As I awoke, I sensed the lights outside winking out. But somewhere, my brain knew that the tea had already been made. So I got up to see and sure enough, the tea pot was hot. In that short 25 foot trip to the kitchen, I thought, why do I get up at 3:10 to do spiritual study and meditation? Why not sleep? What do I think I am accomplishing?

A few minutes later, a hot cup of tea in my hand and a light emanating from my forehead (!), I sat down at my table. I could hear the power company outside, actually I think they had been working all night, so I assumed it would not be long before the power was back on. Actually, at 3:25, it did come back on. Then, I promptly spilled my tea and had to make another pot.

But I was pondering my question: Why do I bother wanting to know God? One thing I like about ACIM is it's approach of encouraging me to seek the Voice for God myself (ref WB 124), don't just listen to the text. So that is what I did this morning. My thoughts went like this. I thought about how desperately I want to see Christ's face. I want to see it in my brothers and everywhere. This face, for which you could use another name like Atman or Buddha or Tao or Self, represents love and safety; and "making it." Making it? My term, making it, is a two faced coin or a two edged sword. It can be positive: I honestly sought God in response to a call from God. The term can be ego based: I earned or cheated or stole the coveted state of enlightenment.

I saw clearly that what I believe is a choice. If I believe the ego's voice, then my spirituality is a search for a cheap thrill, and I should go back to bed. If I believe the Voice for God, then my desire for God and journey to God is with Help; and is a pure and holy result originating with Cause. To listen to the ego is to poison and kill what could be the most tremendous gift and extravagant source of wealth: my deep and incredible faith, sustained for years, and sure belief that the All Powerful is carrying me to Himself.

I get what I choose. If I choose God, I get connection and peace. I am immediately there.

Hence, I prostrate before my faith and my choice and Christ: I give myself completely and totally to the desire for God and unabashedly proclaim my undivided relentless pursuit of Love.

I am powerless over this.

Lenten Desert

I said this Lent would be a trip into the desert. Reading “Jesus Interrupted” (Bart Ehrman) I find myself even more stripped of clinging to the dogmatic Jesus. That is, when I write, I usually use the term Christ or Christ consciousness because I find it more socially acceptable than to stick to an unknown abstraction. I do this because of a lingering fear of what my Christian friends might think of me. I truly am tired of being dumped because of religious differences. What if I stopped trying to be acceptable to Christians? I’ve known since reading “In Memory of Her” (Elizabeth Fiorenza, dean of Harvard Divinity School) that only about 20% of the Bible can be said to accurate or valid. Her book had a historical and research focus. Ehrman’s book focuses on things that can be clearly seen in the Bible without going anywhere. If I study A Course in Miracles, I have to admit to myself that I don't know how accurate the information is. Whether I read the Bible or ACIM or the Bhagvagita or any sutra or any philosophy, it is always devotional because they all break down if approached analytically.

Ehrman's book would be risky for a basic denominational Christian to read; yet its information is standard fare for seminarians. The seminarians learn this material but they never mention it from the pulpit. It causes me to return to my frequent self examination. I return to the question: If no one had told me anything, what would I believe? And: Is my desire for God a call from God or obedience to social conditioning? The answer to the question is faith; faith determined by experience. How do I determine God for myself since the world only offers shifting half truths?

God’s revelation to me is through all my life experiences. These experiences lead from one thing to another, but always away from the various dogmatic or religious approaches. Each experience strips away some piece of social programming and leaves me with nothing. In my opinion, the only place these experiences can lead is to the Great Silence, which is why I call my Lenten journey a desert. Exploring solitude and silence has been something I learned about in the monastery, but have continued ever since.

Silence, stillness and quiet are just that. In the Bible, and other places, it says God is light. Light is silent. It doesn’t say anything. Pure light cannot be seen without reflecting off something. So if you see light, whether in the world or in your mind, it is reflecting off something. What are you perceiving if you see or hear or in any fashion detect light? Can it be God if you perceive it? Anything that you say about silence is not factual but experiential.

So I return to my practice of silence. If I am hearing God, I cannot say. The desert is silent, period.

Personal statistics: I ran 4 miles today. My legs felt great even though I ran 26 miles yesterday. I tried out my new "Olathe Marathon" hat and it was like Sampson's hair as far as I am concerned. One year ago, I broke my arm. Since that day, I had to use my left arm to hold the coffee cup. Today, I officially transferred the cup back to my right arm.