Saturday, October 20, 2018

Super Saturday

Today is a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the 60s. I decided to go to Weston Bend State park for my run. It is hilly. I did 5 laps of the 2.75 mile loop. Here is a video of a beautiful orange tree.

This week I continued to work on my writing project. To augment this work, I got a book from the library on the business of writing. How to be a writer. And I had to rededicate myself to putting my energy into this new phase of my life. Recreating my life is really what I was trying to do  with so called retirement.

So called retirement: well, I did get hired by a sporting goods store to be their part time "Running Specialist." That so plays into my personal brand. And I get to wear a radio. I also have an interview on Monday at Starbucks. The reason for that is that Starbucks has some awesome benefits for part time employees. We'll see. I am open to all creative opportunities, but need to leave space in the schedule for writing.

Overall, my life is enjoyable. Part of the reason for so called retirement was to enjoy my life some time before it is over. So if I get to run in a park for 8 miles every day: Success. That and connect with people. That and spend 2 hours or more a day in spiritual work. You could say that my life is exactly what I wanted.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Facing Inward

Yesterday marked one month since I quit my job. One month of moving, unpacking, beginning new things. I knew when I began this life that it was out on the edge of the norms of my social class. That is, what is considered financial security and what is considered success in occupation. I took my dog out of the race.

Yesterday was really the first day where I sat in my kitchen in the morning and felt peace. There were no pressing issues, like needing to go to the license bureau or do homework. So I could remember, experience and feel good about my dream. My dream is an existential dream; it could be monetized but that is not really its point. Actually, I wanted subsistence living so I could have time for existential pursuits.

It is a new way of being for me. I have a life. I have life itself. I have time for inner connection, reflection, just being.

Money anxiety lurks. Not all is perfect nor is the buffer invincible. I feel the emotion of scarcity. This emotion is taught. It is not real in my case. This feeling is in fact what I want and need to generate in my subsistence life. I wanted to make just such a discovery as I made this morning. Money anxiety is just a form of general existential human anxiety. This general existential anxiety drives some people to achievement in order to hide from it. It drives others into addiction to hide from it. I want to heal it for myself and for mankind.

I remember my dream. It is a dream of knowing my depths, human depths. There is no way to find your depths without facing the inner. The inner seems to be filled with the demons of emotion . Maybe under the demons is a void, an emptiness, a silence of truth. My dream is to find this. So I have to proceed with a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety is my soul's sand paper; the constant reminder to let go and remember Source energy.

I think, "My new life, my dream." This thought gives me energy and hope. I feel better. Not hope for security, but hope for inner knowing. I absolutely must find the inner before I die. I feel good thinking about this.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Retirement week 4

Don't worry, I won't keep weekly reports forever. I do it now because I am so damn happy still.

Tonight I went to my first class at the library; and it was really good. And they are so friendly and eager to help anyone. Such a great resource.

Today, I went to a new trail, Line Creek. This trail wasn't there when I lived in Kansas City before. I really enjoyed it. And, I fixed my toilet. That was exciting because it was really easy.

One of the reasons I retired was to have more time to work on my writing projects. Each day I spend 2 to 3 hours either writing, doing research or now learning about the business end. The original writing part still goes quite slowly but at least I don't have to shut it down in order to go to work.

I am also enrolled in tax school. I have class twice a week and several hours of homework in between. Our first mid-term is this week so tomorrow will be spent studying for that. I think doing taxes will be a good gig; and probably will find another gig.

I've been spending about 2 hours or more a day either jogging or walking. Some days I've gone as much as 20 miles. And I finally got my other exercise equipment and weights set up, so I add that in also; especially on days when there is no class. I am signed up for a 24 hour race in 3 weeks so I am trying to balance time on feet while moderating the running part to prevent injury.

12 step groups are more like spiritual fellowships than whatever you saw on TV about AA meetings. I have reconnected with the AA group I got sober at 33 years ago. It has been exciting to see many of the same people, plus new ones. I was promptly asked to be archivist; and said yes. Service work is important.

I am living on the edge of a new life, discovering new ways of being in the world. I have old beliefs that need to dwindle away. I practice new ways of loving. Letting go of the hustle and strict scheduling. I don't think about my old career hardly at all; and it is very easy to notice when an old resentment comes up so it can be shut down before it gains momentum. What is frequently on my mind is the explanation to myself of why it was financially ok for me to quit my career. Just today, I suddenly realized how much of the day had been spent going over these facts in my mind. Now that I am aware, I can switch channels to the one playing my fabulous future. This work of controlling my thoughts is important because I create my own reality.

Once again, I recommend to anyone who wants to create a fabulous future life, check out Abraham Hicks on YouTube.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Retirement - Week 3

The alarm went off and I got up. And so I have time this morning before running off to accomplish administrative tasks. I had time to reflect on my life and my career; ending in gratitude.

I'm still in a little bit of shock for what I have done. Did I really give up a career and move away? The decision and implementation of the plan took more than a year; but now that it happened, it feels like an impulsive move. But I still agree with it. I needed to move my life on to a different environment.

When I came squirting out of college, it seemed all systems were go for a magnificent and successful career. I had been elected outstanding senior. I had been elected president of engineering societies and leader of a senior project team. I could have got a job anywhere. As soon as I hit the corporate world, something was wrong. I didn't fit exactly. Oh, I am a great engineer, just not really able to commit to a corporation. I didn't really want to work as much was expected. I didn't really care that much how many pounds of product went out the door. "Business" didn't excite me.

My career never made it above technical expert, and then technical expertise became boring futility. I couldn't stand the dead beat managers, lack of recognition and opportunity for creativity. Still, and always, I had more energy invested in my private studies and running endeavors. Privately, I was achieving. At work, I was earning money. So, I guess my career gave what I wanted: money.

Onward. Suddenly, here I am in Missouri and wondering how this happened. That is a long story, yet to be fully unraveled and appreciated. But I still need to move forward. I truly want to do more with my life. So....

Today is exciting. I went to the license office and took care of business. Then I went to the library. OMG! They have so much help for small business and writers. They even have people to help you. They have a book printing machine. They have classes and groups. I got a book! Not knowing anything about running a small business, even a business with only 1 employee has been bothering me. I'm so ignorant of everything. Now, I have a fantastic resource. I know where I will start to learn.

Nothing can stop me. Incredible.

Notice how excited I am. I am excited about my writing project and it was for this that I quit my day job.

Friday, September 28, 2018

Rampage of Love

Early yesterday morning, as I was deciding whether to get out of bed, the word "love" popped into my mind. Maybe that word alone was why I got out of bed. In my writing practice, I decided to write on this word and see what came out.

At this time in my life, I am in a dopamine desert. I am not playing the dopamine reward game with anyone; most particularly a work environment. If you have not read so much on neuroscience, maybe you don't know that every human brain loves dopamine. We feel good when we have dopamine. Most of us unconsciously go from situation to situation attempting to trigger a dopamine hit. We try to get other people to approve of us, thus triggering the dopamine; or we find an addiction which triggers the dopamine.

The game is to get another person or situation to somehow make you feel good for a little while, like through praise or recognition, approval, reward, honor, etc.

I should mention that the first Christian monks went to the desert to practice contemplation. My dopamine desert is an analogy with those early desert monks. Stop for a moment and imagine yourself in a very silent desert cave, gazing at a star filled sky, and feeling the divine presence. That is how I want to experience my desert.

I came to my dopamine desert. I brought with me a dream. A dream of creating and giving. That is, I would take my monastic education and spiritual studies, write and publish for others. It is a dream of connection without distraction with all that is; and receiving vibrations which I would turn into words and give to others. I would turn vibrations into thoughts and then words, thus making the creative dream a reality.

To have my dream and to live in the dopamine desert, I must believe in myself and in cosmic reality, the forever partnership of us. I have a monastic education, that is, I lived in monastic formation for 3 years. Life as a monk gave me tools for consciously enabling the divine partnership. I also have sources for ongoing spiritual education.

Most of all, I have my own soul. Every soul speaks towards their human in quiet whispers. Every human can tune themselves to their soul.

Everything I do before I die will be to enhance and enjoy the relationship with my soul and the miracle of my human life. There is an unconditional love which doesn't depend on the world's dopamine rewards and which embraces the human spirit.

Everyone has a path and access to the soul. How conscious are we? I approach the monk's life of direct focus on the divine presence more than once in my nearly 6 decades of life.

This little journal post was started with the word love and you can see where it lead me. Implicitly, to know the divine presence is to love unconditionally.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Retirement - week 2

The first week of my retirement I spent around the Houston area; packing up my house, running in the rain, trying to avoid mosquitoes. And the moving tuck came.

The second week I spent driving to Kansas City, setting up my new house, running in various parks, beginning tax school, working on my writing project.

Yesterday, the moving truck came. Now all my belongings are here; still mostly in boxes. But the washer and dryer are hooked up and work. I got the printer onto the new network and it works.

Even though I got rid of alot of stuff before I moved, I see that I moved alot of stuff I don't really know what to do with and haven't bothered with for several years. Aggghhh!

What is really important is better thoughts, better feelings. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, "I believe in myself." Wow! What a great thought! When I had a job, I woke up depressed and hateful and hopeless for having to go to work. Last night, I realized that my writing project will take years to complete. I've been pushing it forward everyday, like I worked on it for 3 hours today; but it takes awhile to produce a great work.

I still need to learn to enjoy my existence for its own sake. I feel better than ever about myself; but I suspect that some rocks still need to be dropped.

Today I ran 6 miles in English Landing park. Here is a picture from flicker.

Running here is very easy on my legs and I have good success. I've been feeling very good despite a lot of miles; so I signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of October.

Sunday, September 23, 2018


I love hills. I so missed them when I was living in Houston. Houston is pancake flat. Today I went to feed my addiction in Weston Bend State park.

Yesterday I was able to do my first 20 mile run since the middle of July. I did it in English Landing park, which is flat gravel along the Missouri River. It seemed really easy and I was happy to do it. Today, there were no repercussions from the 20 miles, so I had no problems doing 12 miles in Weston Bend.

I signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of October. I'm happy about being in such shape as I can do such things.