Monday, November 18, 2019

Nice People

The couple stood there outside the library. The day was not too terribly cold, but it was a November day and there was a chilly wind. He was in a suit and she was in a skirt. He was brunette and she was blond. They were a nice looking couple, at least for a white suburban location.

Beside them was a portable set of shelves carrying religious pamphlets and books. By the look of the tracts, I knew what religion these people were proselytizing for. I had seen other people from that religion in that same location before. Usually I give them a wide berth, as I enter the library. The couple looked a little forlorn since it was a quiet time of day at the library, and anyway, the library makes those kind of people stand a distance away from the entrance.

Today was different. As I parked my car, looking out the car window from the parking lot, I realized that I knew these people. I worked with the girl, and her man also came into our workplace. It would be rude to just brush by them without looking. I may not be religious, and prefer not to interact with proselytizers, but I am not rude. I may not believe I am a sinner. I may not believe I need a savior. Despite my lack of religious belief, being nice is wired into my humanity.

So, I looked out my car window and saw my peeps standing there with their little book shelf. I realized that I was going to go over and say hi to them and be nice, regardless of their religion or their purpose in standing there. And that is what I did. No I didn't pick up any tracts. But I was nice.

Who I am, and who any human really is, is nice. We just are. Accept it. Believe it. Isn't it wonderful that humans are so nice? Doesn't it make you want to be one?

The Next Phase of my Development

So. ten days ago, I ran 50 miles in a race. It was a high time. I was in the zone for many of those miles. No injuries. Yesterday I had an 11 mile run in the forest. Today I ran 7 very fast miles, 10.3 min/mile. Yesterday's video:

In the middle of this week, I decided to carry out some thoughts which had been in my head for awhile. Yes, a couple of events brought emotion into the picture and I snapped. I tried to quit my barista job. Mainly because it was interfering with writing. My identity is really not:barista. So I don't want barista work occupying my brain and using the morning hours which are best for reflecting.  As time went on, I was becoming more and more tired and less writing was happening. I tried to quit all together, but the store manager talked me into reducing to 2 short shifts per week, only one early morning and only one weekend day. That helps a lot to lighten the physical and mental burden. I can also plan on keeping the healthcare benefit for another year.

But now, I have my mornings for writing and editing. I won't be as exhausted. I'm excited to have the free time and mental space to create new situations. I also have more freedom to follow intuition. I feel momentum increasing on my book project. This morning was my first time in months to do Morning Pages. Less work returns me to the plan I had a year ago when I retired to do writing. But I must not have been ready so I got a part time job. Now I'm ready to try again. I know a lot more about what I need to do.

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Because I Can

An awesome thing happened to me today: I ran 50.4 miles. The awesome part was that I didn't have to and there was no reward for doing it. I did it because I wanted to.period.

See, the belt buckle was given when I reached 50k (31 miles). But, then, well, I felt good. Why stop there. I was in no hurry to go home, so ahead I went for another lap. And then another lap. And then getting up to 42 miles, I thought, why not go for the 50? I had the laps in me. Nothing was wrong other than a bit tired legs. And it was warm. And I could do it before the sun went down.

I wasn't the only one. It was a 24 hour race. Everyone got a buckle at 50k. But most of the runners continued on, even up past 100 miles. The only reward is internal really. The feeling of what you did is a thing to be remembered and contemplated.

Let me focus on what really astonishes me. I did it for no reward. Not for a bigger buckle or an award of any kind. I just felt like continuing to run even after I got the buckle at 50k. I felt like it so I did it. Usually, I stop when I get the buckle. Today, I just kept going because I wanted to. Sorry to repeat myself three times, but the feeling of going on and on was new to me. The feeling of running more than the required number of miles just because I felt good was incredible. Some mental hurdle disappeared. No resistance at all. It changed the way I look at my life:

I go to work at Starbucks because I can. I jog in forests because I can. I drive a cool car because I can. I drink purified spring water because I can. There is almost no "have to" about my life at the moment.  I do what I want because I can.

Driving home, Kansas gave me a treat of a magnificent sunset. Perfect!

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Immediate Help

Last evening,I fell into an emotional hole. I knew that if I continued to think the thoughts I was thinking, I end up going down a certain path which I didn't think I wanted to go down. I knew I needed help from my Inner Being. I hadn't truly been conscious of the fact that I had fallen into an emotional hole or why. I felt down on myself and despairing of ever been good enough for my work situation. Clarity was achieved this morning. I slept good and long and I have a day off to reflect.

Be that as it may, last night, I asked for help from my Inner Being, and help was immediately sent. I noticed it. First, as I was driving to a fellowship meeting, I felt gratitude for the work situation which seemed to be troubling me. That is, I remembered the positive aspects. Second, at the fellowship, I sat next to a man who has known me for more than 30 years, and who also is a wise man older than me. Out of the blue, he said, "You seem completely different since you came back. Completely relaxed." Well, this was someone else seeing in me what I could not see in myself, at least not in a moment of emotional turmoil. A gift from the Higher Power since I immediately felt the truth of it. This man has been associating with me for the past year, so however I felt in the moment, my overall vibration is relaxed. Third, the fellowship discussion was on "Go With the Flow." Wait another synchronous event, message from non-physical, reply of the Higher Power. And several people shared how they do prayer and meditation. These three things helped me relax and realize that I need do nothing about my situation.

This morning, after that long sleep, I realize that working 6 days in a row may have exhausted me, and when I am exhausted, I am very emotionally sensitive. And my perception of events at work yesterday left my inner child in emotional turmoil. It seems reasonable now, but last night I was spiraling into an emotional hole.

This morning, having a day off,  I pulled out my writing work and continued my editing. This is the first thing I read:

Have mercy on yourself. Stop and be calm a moment. Look inside. We all need to get beyond the raging thoughts in our heads, and get to know our truth. 
“As soon as we settle down in hope and confidence to discover the deeper forces within ourselves, they begin to become active.” (Brunton, The Quest for the Over Self, pg 206)
Meditate/ contemplate on your own depths and inner strengths. These are your silent deeper forces. They wait for your attention. Merely shift focus from your obsession to the depths of your being. Get beyond the raging obsessive thoughts and pay attention to the deeper forces.
Listen and new thoughts will come into your mind.

Shoot. My own writing really helped me: Have mercy on yourself.

Also this morning, I got an e-mail from someone who appreciated me. That was super great timing. All the above is to say: I get it. The Universe helps me along. My Inner Being gives me the information I need. Without the synchronicity, or the ability to notice it, I could have headed down a path to changing my life in unnecessary ways. When really, my life is arranged at the moment in a way which facilitates carrying out my dream. I need patience and perseverance because carrying out the dream takes time. Also, related to my emotional turmoil and carrying out my dream, I watched a video yesterday about a woman who saved a kitten. She said she accomplished saving the kitten through "pure stubborn-ness." And for me to accomplish my dream, I need stubborn-ness.

I need do nothing. For the next several weeks, my work schedule returns to a normal pattern of only working 2 or 3 days in a row, not six. I can return to my writing project.

I'm going in a race this weekend. The weather looks perfect. Yee Ha!

Monday, October 28, 2019

KC Marathon Finish Picture

Below is a great picture of me coming in to the finish line of the Kansas City marathon. I am looking very intense.

My next race is a 24 hour race which starts on a Friday evening. I hope to run 50k on Friday night, finishing about 1 am. Adjourn to my hotel room to sleep and eat. Then return to the course on Saturday to complete at least another 50k.

I love being an athlete.

We are getting our first snow tonight and tomorrow night! And cold! My indoor machines might get alot of usage. However, I am going to make a pair of screw shoes tomorrow.

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Race Report -- KC Marathon

The alarm went off at 3:40 am. I was dead asleep. I knew the forecast called for rain today, but I hadn't seriously decided that maybe I didn't want to run a marathon in the rain. Marathons take me a long time so getting too cold is a consideration. But not today. The temps were in the 50s. Looking at the radar, the rain didn't look too hard. After some coffee and yogurt, packing my stuff, I was on the way to the race. Only a 20 minute drive. I was there very early so no problem getting a parking spot where I wanted. I sat in my car and read a book.

About an hour before the race, I went over to the festival area near the start. I had on a light weight poncho because of the rain. Most people were standing under tents, which is where I stood. I used the porta potties. They had alot of them so no waiting. About 15 minutes before the start, I got myself into the starting corral. I was positioned near the 4:50 pace bunny, although I lost him as soon as the race started. There were thousands of runners, doing the full marathon, the half marathon or 10k, all lined up together. I couldn't hear what the announcer was saying at all. Everybody shut up for the national anthem, which sounded like a recorded rendition using a clarinet and no voice. Wait, you cant find a good singer in the city? There were fire works when the horn blew. It took me at least a minute to begin to even move forward.

The race starts in an area known as Crown Center. The first part of the race goes north into downtown, and then circles south along The Paseo, The Plaza, along Ward Parkway, Brookside, Waldo, a bit into Johnson County, along Ward Parkway, back toward The Plaza, West Port, and back to Crown Center. It was a very decent tour of Kansas City and featured some really affluent sections with massive stately old mansions. 

It rained lightly for about 2.5 hours. I ran at a 10:19 pace for the first half. I knew I could keep up that pace for 16 miles and that then I'd start to be whupped. I had a secret wish to finish in under 5 hours.
For much of the first half, I was wondering if I really should complete this race. The rain was not thrilling me and 26 miles seemed like a long way. But, as I approached the split where the half marathoners headed home, my body swung itself into the full marathon course. I resigned myself to finishing. All this mental struggle even though I was having a banner day: fastest paces in several years. I did great but did slow down for the last 8 miles. I didn't do any walking except for through aid stations. My jogging in the last 4 miles was slow, even on the down hills. My legs hurt, but no blisters or other injuries.

I started to hope for a sub-five hour finish. That would be major for me. I kept jogging although I'm sure I looked like I was barely moving. It wasn't raining and the sun shone in spots. The last mile was a gentle down hill but still I couldn't bring myself to pound my quads very hard. Lots of people were at the finish line. I made it! 4:49 by my Garmin (which doesn't include 2 pit stops). Second in my age group.

No pictures until the race photographer publishes. Due to the rain, I didn't take my cell phone on course.

Friday, October 18, 2019

What am I living for?

This question appeared in my life recently and I was intrigued. It is a different take on the other question: What is the purpose of my life? I couldn't of myself come up with a purpose, like Jesus of something.

But what am I living for?

To be a writer. To be a marathoner. To be an ultra-fit elder woman. To be sober and in conscious contact with my higher power. To complete the book I'm working on. To push the envelope of my consciousness and evolutionary stance.

I am in the process of switching carriers and methods of accessing the internet. I decided that I didn't like one company. My interim measure is not sufficient for the long term. So now I have a new long term plan and it is in the works. But it takes a few days and some financial backing. I mention this because it is also a evolutionary and metaphysical process.

Yesterday, I installed a new type of smoke detector in my bedroom. This also is an evolutionary change, part of an evolutionary and metaphysical process. Completion required me going to the store and picking out a new detector. Then, a day later, thinking about it while laying on the bed reading, feeling the impetus to do something, putting down my book, getting off the bed, finding a screwdriver and making the switch. I needed to feel the impetus or nothing would have happened. For this feeling, I know that I can complete evolutionary processes step by step.

The book I am writing is an evolutionary process of changing the nature of addiction recovery. I can complete this process step by step.

What am I living for? To carry out metaphysical processes, called creation and human evolution. Fun, in other words.

I used to live in hopes of fixing my emotional state. I was a miserable creature, always angry and trying to prove myself, fending off the world and its people. I no longer have a need to do that. My emotional state is fine.

I quit my career type job to construct phase 3 of my life. I have a good start on that but it is a process. I am living to carry out the process.

But still, deep down inside, what did my physical being want to live for? Why did my soul want to be a human being? Why did my physical being end up in a tragic family of origin? I don't have the answer. I received many gifts from my parents, but also some very bad neuro wiring. I don't think I'll have these answers until I go home, transition out of physical life. For now, I keep pushing forward from where I am today. From the outside, I may appear to be sitting on a bench of life. What I am actually doing does not appear to the people of the world.

Tomorrow is the Kansas City marathon. Will it be just another marathon? Or will it be part of an evolutionary process? What am I living for? Will I feel invigorated at the end? Iwill if that is what I anticipate.