Laps for nothing

Today I ran in Meador Park.

50 laps of this place:

What happened to the double marathon?

Well, I did drive to Dallas on Saturday and stayed in a hotel. I go up at 3:15 to get ready for a 5am race start. At 3:30, I received an e-mail from the RD cancelling the race due to thunderstorms. Any reasonable person would have gone back to bed, figured out how to have a nice day in Dallas and started the second marathon the next day.

Not me. Unfortunately, I was wired, completely wide awake even though I had hardly slept. I couldn't face the idea of spending 24 hours in that hotel room. I didn't think I wanted to go run around the lake for 20 miles just as a training run (remember it was a severe storm alert). In fact the only idea  that resonated with me was: If you leave for Houston now, you can have I45 all to yourself. Have a nice run when you get home. Save the hotel money.

Before I know it, I'm on the road at a high rate of speed.

So, no marathons at all this weekend.

Today, as I mentioned, I did an 18+ mile jog walk. It was 80F to start at 8:30 am and 88F when I finished 4.5 hours later. I was completely sweaty the whole time. I drank 60 oz of sports drink and 2 Mountain Dews. I stopped mainly because I was out of drink.

This gave me plenty of time to review my behavior patterns regarding races. I reviewed the various times I've quit races and the various times I've not bothered to even start. I reviewed my Boston Qualifying races and my lack of desire to go to Boston. I reviewed the reason I run alot. I reviewed the marathons I've thoroughly enjoyed.

It is clear that I no longer adhere to the numbers game. I see it as an illusion. Specifically, I had planned to complete my 50th marathon this year; furthermore planning it for a race in September where I would be with friends and they could pat me on the back for my accomplishment. That won't happen now.

But was it not an ego goal to begin with? Contrast that with my regular running of laps. I got involved with lap running as a method for self transcendence and prayer. Meditation as it were. If my overall spiritual quest needs detachment from this world, then running laps for no reason is best. So then I quickly drop my worldly ego running goals. Worldly ego goals is: running 50 marathons so I can tell everyone. Self transcendence running: 50 laps in a park on a hot day.

I read books by Henri Nouwen about downward mobility. I read a book by Anthony DeMello about breaking through the illusion. I read books by Paul Brunton about the spiritual quest and glimpses of the Overself. I really want the relationship with the Christ Within more than 50 marathons. So I let go. I drop the world like a rock. I do laps in the hot sun.

The Gift

Today I ran around a 0.36 mile loop in Meador park; yet another location where there are enough trees to run in the summer.

I know that picture says 0.38 miles but I think that is a bit long. Anyway, I'm being conservative.

I did 50 laps/ 18 miles/ 4h27min.  Nice and warm, humid, 80 oz of drink.

After about 2.5 hours, I realized my mind was wandering around dark corridors. I had the consciousness to think higher. I thought about Presence. I had a new thought: If I actually knew my Higher Self, what would I be thinking right now? Some time later, maybe an hour later, I had a brief illumination. I envisioned having the gift of Light.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Next weekend, I'm going to try again the insanity of the double marathon. What is different than the last time? Well, for one, I'm going to tape my toes. For two, be prepared to ruthlessly cut open the shoes if the toe box is destroying any toe nail. Take the Solumbra sun hat. Other details. But, on the second day, when my body wants to give up, I'll need a mental preparation. Something other than, "I'm doing this just to finish one more marathon." I have an idea. If it works, I'll let you know.

The Balance Sheet

Freedom from bondage. Bondage of ego that is.

Downward mobility. As detailed by Henri Nouwen in The Selfless Way of Christ. How does a high paid engineer follow Christ really? I am and can continue to let go of power, prestige and infamy. I do my job and try to help others.

I did something nice for some colleagues this week. They did not reciprocate. My ego noticed this and started in on a mental tear. I realize I am hopeless in the area of doing something without selfishness. Every time I do something good, my ego whips out the balance sheet to see if I profited.

Self centered in the extreme. Driven by a hundred forms of fear. Each day is a new beginning and I seem to arrive at each morning sober. I have a daily reprieve.

Last evening, I listened to a sober lady tell her story. She has 41 years of sobriety. In a few short months. I'll have 30 years. Sobriety in AA, conscious contact with a power greater than myself, is the best thing. A sober life is an amazing thing.

I am at an odd place in life. Or at least different for me. My outer world is stable. It is a chore to go to work each day, but overall, I have a very nice job and I like it. Everything is paid for. On days when I maintain my humility, I can be happy.

So this gives me time and space to continue to probe spirituality; to wonder about self transcendence.

Laps.

It is now hot on the Gulf Coast. Today I did my laps under the trees. I thought about how I started ultra running and doing laps because of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. I thought about my short monastic life. I thought about the vehemence of my first ten post-monastery years. I was not able to pray today. No mantra was transfixed in my mind. But eventually, yes I did pray. I thought a question mark into the universe.

No answer came. But the trail was mostly in a forest. It clouded up a bit towards 2 pm. I felt good. Jog walk jog walk jog walk..... think..... muse about the past. Trying to put the pieces together.

A monastic contemplative goes into the silence. Can I reach silence and still go to work 5 days  week? I have to.

Laps are utterly meaningless; except for the silence.

Mother's Day

For some I guess. I am not a mother and don't have a mother; and am not amused by whatever trauma I've observed by those who do have mother's but are enmeshed in dysfunctionality.

If I was still in the monastery, I'd be having a bad weekend. First, the sisters set up a special table and everyone puts a picture of their mother on it; and the liturgy honors mothers. But wait, I really hated my alcoholic mother and wish I hadn't been born. So, I'd be annoyed at the monastic community activity. Then, the sisters are having an auction this weekend. I was there during one of these auctions. I stood in the rain all day and directed traffic and parking. It was very tiring. I'm more the type of person who takes the unwanted stuff to Good Will, rather than have a sale.

Instead, I've been doing miles. And noticing what my body, mind and spirit can or can't do. I've noticed that I've had pain in my left heel so long, that I have difficulty getting out of bed. I can't look forward to going running because I don't know how bad that heel will feel.

However, it is getting better. This weekend, almost the only pain I experienced was related to the scar (which is right down the back of the heel), but not related to the heel spur on the bottom of the foot. It is very good news that Saturday and Sunday, I tried the "Miracle" (brand) insoles and my foot liked them. I haven't used them since surgery because they have been too high in the arch. But this weekend, they were perfect.

On Friday, I did 23 laps of a 0.46 mile loop in Pine Gully park. This was jog/walk and I got 10+ miles in the middle of a sunny day. My heel was not feeling great as I think the shoes were tied too tight and pressing on the heel too hard. On Saturday, I did 55 laps of a 0.37 mile loop in Brummerhop park. This was jog/walk day and I got 20+ miles in 5 hours. On Sunday, I power walked for 4 hours and 14+ miles; in Meador park on a 0.7 mile loop. Sunday was heat test day. I didn't start until pretty late. I wore my "Solumbra" (brand) SPF jacket and hat. I think that it does help to keep the sun directly off the skin, even in humid Houston. I also drank "Clip-2" (brand) drink. I think that helped also.

Think about it: 4 hours speed walking in the sun. What does it take to do that? Body, mind, spirit.

Walking for hours is not that easy. One time in a 3 day ultra, a 65 year old woman walked my young ass into the ground. She never ran at all; but man could she speed walk.

Laps. Yes, laps. Laps are boring. But I'm not running for entertainment. I'm running for introversion. I'm doing laps to train my mind. When I get to a real 55 hour race, I want my mind to be able to handle laps. You can forget yourself doing laps. You have to get past a certain point, which take a few hours; but then You suddenly lift your head and realize 40 laps went by and you didn't even see them.

Some people pick their 100 mile races based on technical difficulty of the trail. Some people pick them based on popularity. I pick mine based on inward potentiality. After hours and laps, it is not about the running but the dregs of who you are.

Today, I watched a boy completely scream at his big brother. I completely understand the rage. I haven't screamed at anyone in years, but in my silence, I know there is rage. I think we all have it but most of us don't let it out. A Course in Miracles can address the rage.