Keep Breathing - 2020

 Last week was focused on my 35th sobriety anniversary. 8/8/85 is my sobriety date.

I love being sober and I cherish my sober adult life. I love the fellowship of AA. It is a spiritual fellowship offering unending spiritual growth and conscious contact with a power greater than myself. Alot of people weren't even born in 1985. It gives people pause when they ask about my shirt and what 1985 means. I got sober in the last century.

I have a friend who makes masks. She made me some coffee masks to go with my job at Starbucks:

Speaking of Starbucks, I finally got my manager to move me to the afternoon shift. Yay! No more getting up at 3 am more than once a week. Actually, Starbucks may have outlived it's usefulness to me. Moving to afternoons may be a temporary measure. Quitting is inevitable as my personal wealth continues to expand and the health insurance game becomes less necessary.

What interests me the most today? Coincidence x 3? Part 1 of this coincidence: COVID is a respiratory disease. One thing I became aware of a few days ago at work was that I was breathing through my mouth more when wearing a mask, especially when stressed during a rush. Don't do it. Keep that mouth closed and force yourself to breath through your nose. Do this consciously. Ensure your respiratory health by breathing through your nose. Part 2 of this coincidence: I started reading a book called "Breath" by James Nestor. Very interesting the health and longevity proposals related to breathing. And then, part 3 of this coincidence: My hero Courtney Dauwalter had to end her attempt at an FKT (fastest known time) of the 500 mile Colorado Trail due to acute bronchitis. She ended up in the ER on low oxygen. Yipes! I cried. Too much dry dusty air through the mouth. 

Something about breathing. Everybody, take a long deep breath in, hold for a beat or two, the long slow breath out. All the way in and all the way out. Just like sex. Don't hold back. Feel better? I do.

A Year Later

A year ago today, I quit my career and entered phase 3 of my life. Best.decision.ever.

What you should know, if you retire early, is that it is about quality of life and not money. My career was basically about making and saving money. Now, my focus is on learning new things and building a new life.

The key thing is that I am happy. I can't really explain why I was so unhappy at my career and the environment of the Gulf Coast. I should have been able to generate a good attitude regardless, but never did. However, upon moving north to Missouri and now working part time, I was instantly happy, and haven't looked back. Joy is now a skill I have and I do have to produce it consciously but it seems easy given my current way of living.

My plan for phase 3 of my life has been adhered to: move to Missouri, run alot, work part time, learn to be a writer and produce a publishable work from the material I wrote before I quit my career.

The good side of my writing project is that it is making steady progress. I have my content together and am now trying to sort through the information and organize it. I have learned much about the business of writing and publishing in the past year, enough to know what direction I am headed and what it could look like. I have the tools, though still learning to use them. As my writing project moves forward, it is bringing people and experiences into my life which I wouldn't otherwise have. I live near a public library which has a writing center funded by the Kaufmann Foundation. So, they have many classes, groups and staff to help writers. They even have a book making machine right in the library.

I never planned for my writing to be my source of financial support, so I am free to work on it a bit too slowly. What I wish I could do better is spend more of my afternoons writing, and doing deep work. But napping and then working out seem to take precedence, especially if I was up at 3 am for work. I seem to need the down time and then later on it is difficult to get my mind turned on and focused. I have been working on the habit of just getting my body into the chair at my desk, without YouTube.

I have entered a very happy time at my barista job. I have learned enough to be a valuable team member and to have fun. The young partners are accepting me. My body is better physically for working on my feet, lifting, bending, reaching, instead of spending all day at a computer. My mind is better for having to learn almost a whole new barista language and software. I'm having to use parts of my brain that engineers don't need to use and so I didn't use them for decades. There is big value in an old person learning new things (hint: mental longevity). This part time job provides health insurance and pays most of my day to day living expenses. My assets have increased since quitting my career.

I survived the winter, but did not start 3 races due to cold weather. In Texas, I did not start races due to heat. But I did run all winter. I have run all summer. The Gulf Coast was a huge problem with overwhelming heat for 8 or so months a year. I suffered from heat related illness every weekend. That problem has disappeared here in Missouri. And so, I run faster more often. Running fast has been a blast. I had a great marathon a week ago. Even at mile 21, I was very happy (check out my smile):

In the area of Missouri where I now live, I am around people whom I've known for 30 or more years. In terms of social capital, I am very rich. I got to celebrate my 34th sobriety anniversary with numerous people I got sober with all those years ago.

I have become a neuro science geek. Part of my writing project involves studying neuro science to explain addiction and recovery. In my retired life, I have time to read neuro science books and addiction books, which seem to be coming out at a furious pace. Luckily, the public library stocks the latest and greatest books.

Here is a video from today's jaunt in the forest:

34th Anniversary

Today is my sobriety birthday. I have been sober for 34 years. I've had a sober adult life, since I was 26 when things got "bad enough" to quit drinking. I loved AA thirty four years ago and I still like it. I went to a noon meeting today. I got to talk with a young man who has a little over 60 days. I've sat in lot of meetings with him. He is trying to stay off drugs. I love him.

I also ran 15 miles today, in 10:30 per mile. Now that is awesome. It was 70F and cloudy when I got started at 8:30 am. I hadn't really planned on running that far, but I was going fast so I decided to keep it up until I ran out of time. I never ran that fast in Houston because it was always too hot. Missouri offers the climate for summertime running. Missouri also offers terrain. Houston is pancake flat but Missouri has hills. Today's run included hills. I love hills. I love digging in on the way up and cruising on the way down. I'll lift weights this evening.

Life is good. I feel good. Sober life is awesome.

The Balance Sheet

Freedom from bondage. Bondage of ego that is.

Downward mobility. As detailed by Henri Nouwen in The Selfless Way of Christ. How does a high paid engineer follow Christ really? I am and can continue to let go of power, prestige and infamy. I do my job and try to help others.

I did something nice for some colleagues this week. They did not reciprocate. My ego noticed this and started in on a mental tear. I realize I am hopeless in the area of doing something without selfishness. Every time I do something good, my ego whips out the balance sheet to see if I profited.

Self centered in the extreme. Driven by a hundred forms of fear. Each day is a new beginning and I seem to arrive at each morning sober. I have a daily reprieve.

Last evening, I listened to a sober lady tell her story. She has 41 years of sobriety. In a few short months. I'll have 30 years. Sobriety in AA, conscious contact with a power greater than myself, is the best thing. A sober life is an amazing thing.

I am at an odd place in life. Or at least different for me. My outer world is stable. It is a chore to go to work each day, but overall, I have a very nice job and I like it. Everything is paid for. On days when I maintain my humility, I can be happy.

So this gives me time and space to continue to probe spirituality; to wonder about self transcendence.

Laps.

It is now hot on the Gulf Coast. Today I did my laps under the trees. I thought about how I started ultra running and doing laps because of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. I thought about my short monastic life. I thought about the vehemence of my first ten post-monastery years. I was not able to pray today. No mantra was transfixed in my mind. But eventually, yes I did pray. I thought a question mark into the universe.

No answer came. But the trail was mostly in a forest. It clouded up a bit towards 2 pm. I felt good. Jog walk jog walk jog walk..... think..... muse about the past. Trying to put the pieces together.

A monastic contemplative goes into the silence. Can I reach silence and still go to work 5 days  week? I have to.

Laps are utterly meaningless; except for the silence.

This Sober Life

Monday is my birthday: 56 years old. Today I jogged a half marathon. I hadn't planned that. I just went to the park with some drink and my garmin and started jogging. It was going well and the rain held off so I kept going. This took about 3 hours.

Later, I hope to do a 56 durability workout. That is laps in my house which involves going up and down stairs plus: on the first floor I'll do mountain climbers, KB swings, TRX bicep curls and TRX front rows; and on the second floor I'll do tricep dips, shoulder press, calf raise, and pushups. I'll do 56 crunches too.

But why do I say sober life? Sobriety and the 12 Steps are a way of life. I have been sober most of my adult life. This week, I got to do Step 10 (Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it). I privately lost my temper over a stubborn colleague. When I saw my boss, I said I needed to get that colleague away from me and that I would refuse to work with him. Of course, my boss wasn't too concerned because everyone gets mad at this colleague. My bosses problem is he was counting on me to do some work in a certain area. But, he let it go.

But as a sober person, my own anger (translated thoughts yelling at me about how bad this colleague was and fear of my boss) continued on in my head for the evening. It fired up again in the morning as I sat to do my spiritual work. I didn't know what I would do when I got to work. I prayed for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out (Step 11). I prayed for an intuitive thought or decision. I prayed for my colleague's health prosperity and happiness. Then I became quiet.

Then a thought came: I sincerely wanted to be grateful for the work given me to do. Would I like to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution? I would like to be of service. I would like to act to good purpose. This meant approaching my boss, admitting my fault and asking how I could best serve him. (My boss is and always has been very easy going). I had genuine concern that my boss had access to my skills because he relies on me to solve problems not create them.

I did get a chance to talk to him that day. He had not noticed I was upset the day before. He was happy to give me back the job I said I wouldn't do. He also said he would tell other colleague to not interfere with my activities. He said this because he knows other colleague would hinder my progress and I didn't need that.

The spiritual part of this was genuine desire for a feeling of gratitude, the intention to be of service, and the gift of an intuitive thought. This situation a gift of prayer.

This is how I do my life. As I look at my career, I know it is not really going to advance any more. I am a technical expert and at the highest point without being in management. I have no desire to manage people. But I still have a decade of going to work. How will I survive that? Gratitude. The idea that I am serving and and grateful for the opportunity.

As time goes on, I am so grateful for my sober life. It has made my life bearable. But the undercurrent of spirit is what I live on.

Tomorrow might be rainy and cold. I don't know that many miles will be done.

Consciousness and Insanity

From A Course in Miracles, Manual for Teachers 4: "They are sure they are beloved and must be safe. Joy goes with gentleness as surely as grief attends attack. God’s teachers trust in Him. And they are sure His Teacher goes before them, making sure no harm can come to them. They hold His gifts and follow in His way, because God’s Voice directs them in all things. Joy is their song of thanks. And Christ looks down on them in thanks as well. His need of them is just as great as theirs of Him."

Expressed there is what most of us want: safety and being needed. Most of us also add ambition to the formula. Thus ensues competition and attack. Or maybe the men also compete for a woman.

I like the idea of joy being a song of gratitude, I can make that choice right now. Gratitude for the sense of Presence and willingness to turn to Spirit for mental and emotional comfort right now.

I slept late today. It is cooler in Texas now so getting up early for running is not so important. My first thoughts were on how easy it is to forget God. In my world at the moment is a tremendous amount of mental flak related to the split in my company and the uncertainty of where I'll be assigned. But none of that matters if I am employed by God and only here to serve Him.

But honestly, I am not that evolved. Fear producing hatred permeates my brain. My mind is aware of this. In awareness and consciousness, I can direct my thinking. Yes, it is a discipline and an effort to remain in observance. But just letting my thoughts spiral out of control is terrible. First awareness of my thoughts which separates me from them. In my choice, I also employ whatever is a higher consciousness (God, Spirit, Jesus) and ask Him to direct my thinking. And usually some peaceful thought comes along, some thought of trust and reliance on God. And then I am fine. 

This spiritual way of life is pie in the sky for many. Without it, I am hopelessly insane and probably would not be sober.

Augustine's Two Cities

I was reading Glittering Vices this morning in the chapter on "vain glory." This quote appeared from St Augustine: "Accordingly two cities have been formed by two loves: the earthly by the love of self, even to the contempt of God; the heavenly by the love of God, even to the contempt of self. The former, in a word, glories in itself, the latter in the Lord. For the one seeks glory from [human beings]; but the greatest glory of the other is God, the witness of conscience. The one lifts up its head in its own glory; the other says to its God, 'Thou art my glory, and the lifter up of mine head' ."

This quotation explain why I have divorced myself from society. I wouldn't say I'm totally intent of glorifying God, but that I am intent on relinquishing self for the purpose of knowing God or following Spirit. American society mainly reminds me of the first city. I would not say I dwell in the second city either but that I'd pick a consciousness of love and credit to God as modus operandi. For me it is a continuum I move along, ever going towards the God idea and away from the self idea.

I had a drunk dream last night. Only it wasn't me that drank. The context of the dream was an AA group. One of the longer term members had a terrible event and she drank. Then another younger term member drank because the first one drank. I thought that was stupid; but anyway, the dream continued on in that we got both people to meetings. We also got the group together and no one else drank.

Sobriety in AA is about overcoming a spiritual malady. May I always realize that reliance on God is the foundation of my sobriety.

I think about running and racing as I sit here with one foot in a boot, recovering from surgery. How will I shape my fitness in the future. I can't with a straight face say that ultra running is a good idea. I'm not sure I can say that marathoning is a good idea. What is a good idea? I don't know. The idea of relinquishing ego and transcending self once again raises to the surface. How do I live the reality. Which reality? I did enjoy an early morning jog in El Lago. Lets hope for that.

What it Amounts to

50 miles and 2 AA meetings. That is about it.

Recently, I purchased the complete set of Harry Potter and read them straight through. Last night, I started again. I find them symbolically fascinating. They compare well to 3 other sets of books I frequently read: The Lord of the Rings, The Wheel of Time, The Dune Chronicles. See, I compare the magic, the women, the saviors, the fathers, the social groupings, the role of good and evil. I lay it all down against my own spiritual studies and find I can learn more about how I feel about life.

Why is AA so important for someone with 27 years of sobriety? Well, just that: I am still sober. This morning I talked for an hour and a half with an old colleague. He had nice things to say about me. He wouldn't have been giving me his time if I wasn't sober as there would not have been a good impression.

Why are miles so important? Well, this weekend, all my miles were done in heat and humidity. I can do miles despite Houston summer. I thought alot about races I want to go in. I wish I could walk for 24 hours, but alas, I can't. But walking in the hot sun does bring me out of myself and into a transcendental state. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but I like it. I really like walking around Brummerhop Park and sweating for 5 or 6 hours. Me and the lizards and the rabbits and the squirrels.

Throwing My Heart into It

From AA's Big Book we get: What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

I think that's why I never drank again: spirituality is my daily reprieve.

During my morning workout, I was as usual thinking about my life. I think about how Americans think they are entitled to greatness and the pursuit of happiness. For most folks, that means buying a sports star t-shirt and eating or drinking alot while lolling on the couch in front of the TV; while the big doolie pickup sits in the driveway.

I'm not being negative about others. Merely expressing my American mental outlook. I don't have a doolie, but I do struggle with the satisfaction of my life and I think I struggle with unhappiness merely because I was programmed with inalienable rights. I struggle with the reality that I am a well off but basically run of the mill human being who will never be "great". I feel that some of my obstinate and arrogant spiritual quest has been let go of. I could blame other people or situations for my seeming failure. But it is really an ego failure not a metaphysical failure.

I've always felt a friction between my athletic life and my normal person life. As I rode the elliptical this morning, I decided "to hell with it." If I want to pursue fitness then god dammit I will. Eff the other people who tease me. And I can take the same attitude spiritually. I have to work for a living, not hang around a convent appearing holy. We are all holy.

My heel is not swollen today. Cool. That means: there will be miles.

I can throw my heart into these things and my judges be damned. There does not need to be a goal; just if I want to put effort into it then fine. I'm not a failure if I put my heart in it.

Do I have judges? Just the little comments people make about me, to my face even. I feel the friction.

I suppose this blog is an expression of impending change. Maybe next week I'll hear from management about where I'm to be assigned.

I am tending more and more to balk at race entry fees. It seems that my private athletic events will be more and more my norm.

The 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence race begins in 8 days. I can hardly wait. I love following it.

Reflections on Germany

I am in the Charlotte airport on my way home from a 10 day business trip to Germany; home base of the company I work for.

I can't frame this experience at all really. I used to have definitive points to assess about sizable events in my life or seeming milestones. But I don't find any big rocks for this trip.

In terms of A Course in Miracles, this lack of emphasis could be the right thing. It means that my life is not hanging on ego or dopamine reward experiences.

I'll list my musings:
My talk before the large group went very well and many guys said I did good; even the next day. What I remember is that Mr VP who introduced me also took credit for me as formerly of his group; and I got an ovation on my way to the podium (most only got the final ovation).

I had written "Be Awesome" on my hand. Later, I e-mailed my picture to my boss in Houston. She said I was awesome.

I felt gratified that I got up early and went in a race on Sunday. Not that I did well, but that I got out of my  easy rut and challenged myself to drive to a strange place and go through all the normal things done at races, only in German.

The fact of meeting important people and flying around first class hasn't gone to my head. In fact, I did remind myself of something from the Rule of Benedict: I am a worm and no woman. Staying small headed is how I go through a day with a good deal more joy than if I got too big.

I went to a group banquet. It lasted 5 hours and the wine was flowing freely. I didn't drink. I don't often mention that I am a sober person. In fact, I haven't been to AA or even spent any time thinking about sobriety in years. But, during the banquet, during a quiet moment in the ladies room, I thanked God that I was sober. See as a drunk, I'm sure I would have somehow embarrassed myself and felt terrible shame. As it is, nothing happened. What didn't happen was I didn't become a drunk with a big head and mouth.

I ran almost every day in Germany. I completed 100 Yurek Crunches all the days but one. I did my spiritual study every day.

So all these musings lead me to wish I had some thread of learning. But I just live my life each day. None of these events throw it out of balance. I have no huge mental fantasy regarding my glorious future in my company. Actually, I just hope for a good trip to Ultracentric in 2 weeks.

I Give My Mind to God

This thought came to me last night: what I want is a life of total reliance on God. Period.

Now today: Another Saturday. Another Saturday spent both running and in the aftermath of running. This morning, I ran 16.2 miles in the park and then another 9.7 on the trails. Considering this all took 5:45, I feel good. In a sense, this morning was a personal best. I had not done the trails before with that many miles already on my legs. I saw no less than 3 baby turtles in the sanctuary.

I run in peace in the sanctuary of my mind as well. My running stands in solitude, with my mind and my spirit, an incomprehensible mirror of the contemplative life, a doorway to another world. I am free. My running is my spirit. My life is devoted to God in contemplation and solitude; a way of life whose value has no worldly equivalent and whose truth cannot be grasped by the ego mind.

I let God guide me. I see that things do indeed change. I see them differently. I am a solitary contemplative, celibate, sober, A Course in Miracles student, long distance runner. The joy of these things is not understood by others; but I see that I no longer feel angry about that. The anger has been my problem. Slowly, I have given it to the Holy Spirit. Now, it is light and I see light all around me. I see beyond this world and no longer hold it hostage to my ego needs.

So, I will again go running tomorrow. For now, I will sit quietly, looking inward at the light of Christ, maintaining its presence as the one thing in my mind. I will drink clear water.

Spiritual Sobriety

It is lunch time here in my office. I have spent the morning breaking my brain. I had to make decisions about which operating parameters are critical for one of the processes I completing a Process Hazard Analysis for.

I’ve been listening through the wall to my co-worker; who was on the phone several times this morning. He gets very heated when someone doesn’t agree with him.

As I finish my lunch (a couple of pieces of bread and hot tea), I decide to stop and think for a moment; reflect as it were, listening to the inner voice. What are the critical operating parameters for my life? What life process are they parameters for?

One critical operating parameter is spiritual sobriety. I thought about this a lot during my 90 minute run this morning. I don’t drink alcohol for spiritual reasons. One of the critical operating parameters for my spiritual life is physical sobriety. The decision to drink is an act of spiritual death. The presence of alcohol, subsequent to taking a drink, is actually a post-mortem on the spiritual death.

The decision to drink is not the only decision which causes spiritual death. I need to look within my own thought /belief system and see what thoughts are killing me spiritually. I look for thoughts which God would not have thought or placed in my mind. The non-God thoughts are mine. I am responsible for putting them there. They are killing me.

In 8 days, I will drive to Cape Girardeau, Missouri, and participate in a 24 hour running event. I’m terribly curious to see what this experience will be like. How far I go and how long I stick with it are big question marks. Distance and time, symbolizing perseverance or enduring desire, have their parallels in the program of spiritual sobriety. The question for spiritual sobriety is “How bad do you want God?” Spiritual sobriety is a lonely business because hardly anybody wants to go to any lengths to know God intimately.

Selah!

The Sober Life

By sober life, I mean living sober in all aspects of your life: spirituality, health, finances, and relationships. I recommend the sober life. It has joy potential because it offers freedom from most of what angers us. It is a life of binge abstinence, excess avoidance, consumption renunciation, and possession-less existence.

What I think of as the sober life may have been considered asceticism in former times. I stress that I do not live sober as a penance, but as a seeking for communion. I know sober living seems drab to many. I stress that its focus is on the art of spiritual living. The rewards are a fine body, awareness of God, peace, love and freedom.

The sober life includes a great awareness of God. To gain this awareness, the sober person drops from their life the distractions mentioned above (binges, excesses, consumptions, possessions) and instead puts their focus on The Presence. What is boredom to the non-sober is communion to the sober. These times of non-activity are when the sober person experiences the reward of sobriety; communion. Most people would do anything to avoid boredom; but it has not occurred to them that unoccupied time is exactly what is needed to connect with the Divine Presence. Well, connecting with the Divine Presence is not on their agenda, so I guess this doesn’t matter. Why I got so hung up on God is the most dramatic feature of my life. Not very many people become so obcessed.

I would do anything to experience communion; and I pretty much have: going to church or not going to church; joining a monastery; running ultra-long distances; fasting or over-eating; vigils; solitude; spiritual direction; reading; sex; 12 Step Fellowship meetings; etc. In some ways, all of these things are unnecessary, but I didn’t know that at the time. Now all I do is remain sober.

A sober life is trudged day after day. I know I have described the most boring and tedious life there could be. I share this as I am mulling over the temporary demise of my sobriety when I moved to the city and got a very demanding job. Now I am reformulating my sobriety to work with the people who are here and the other circumstances of my new life.

The building where I work is a three story brick structure of offices with an open courtyard in the center. It looks remarkably like the cloistered convent I used to live in. This morning, I have been writing up process hazard analysis reports for thiocarbohydrazide and tebuconazole. I'll never get Alzheimer's as long as I have to analyze these complicated processes. This afternoon I will go to a meeting on the new offices. After work, I'll go down to the basement and use the gym. The normal coffee station is out of commission during renovations. I've had to adjust my habits to find an alternative source of free coffee. I drink coffee because sitting in an office writing reports makes my eyelids heavy sometimes. They brought me a new phone today; and then said it wouldn't exactly work for another week. Today's emergency was a false alarm; a sprinkler head got bumped in a warehouse.

Saturday is the Kansas City marathon. I will be one of many runners experiencing what 26.2 miles can do to a body. But then, I'll return to sober running. Doing miles day after day is the best part of my life. I ran three miles this morning. It was wonderful.

Contemplation Conundrum

First, the personal statistics: Saturday, August 08, 2009

Anniversary day: 24 years sober, 6 years monastery free. Three job doors closed yesterday but I worked on trusting God: I am here to fill the role He assigns. Ego wants me to have fear about the one seemingly sure employment potential I have right now. I’m pretty ok.

I got up at 3:30 am with the alarm. I found myself in a good mood. I had no trouble getting up. Went to my table for prayer and meditation. I remembered then that it was an anniversary of sorts. At 4:30, I got in the car for an hour long drive to the city. During the drive, the word "humble" crossed my mind. I felt humble about sobriety. I felt humble that I may be given a new job next week. I felt humble about the spiritual journey I am on. I stopped for gas and felt humble that I took something from the earth and am going to burn it up for my own personal use. At 5:30, I started running in a little park there, 10 miles in 2 hours. I felt humble that I had no residual problems from yesterday's 20 mile run. Bought some peaches at the farmer's market there, coffee at the quick stop and to an 8 am fellowship meeting. Bought some more groceries, drove the 50 miles home, went for a 4 mile walk just to be sure I love the heat. The rest of the day devoted to voluntary spirituality and contemplation.

I asked God today, "How do I explain contemplation? What do you say?"

Here is God's inane response:

Looky there: Spirit Flower heard my Call to contemplation. I Call lots of people, all in fact, but few hear. Those who do hear don’t know what to do, become discouraged and quit the process. Spirit Flower has had her share of confusion and discouragement; but she perseveres anyway. The problem with true contemplation is that any one particular experience is different from the text books and the methods for any one individual are different from the text books. Spirit Flower used books and religion for learning for many years. Eventually, she will have to come to grips with her own process and go deep into it. There is no other way.

It is the summer of 2009. Spirit Flower has been out of work for about seven weeks. She has done a lot of running but also spent some of that time sitting in silence. Every day, we face each other over a timer. Silently watching each other and asking the same question, “Why?” I think I invented contemplation, I’m not sure. But I know I practice it with each and every one of my contemplatives. The difficult part is the truth of what it is: indefinable, unexplainable, addictive, incomprehensible foolishness. But necessary, oh so necessary. I must have contemplatives and they must practice even if they have no idea why. I am God and I am not helping, am I?

Spirit Flowers feels tears well up as she ponders this. Without words or evidence, she feels devotional love.

You know you are really a mystic when:
- You believe God first.
- You are not invested in the world.
- Peace is your first choice.

Oh sure, you can still become a mystic the old fashioned way: join a monastery and get a guru. But most of us who hear the Call, either can’t or won’t become cloistered monks. No problem. The office of mystic is open to all. The practices and procedures, including those you make up yourself, can be studied, learned and practiced. Although no “master” will ever teach me tantric secrets, I don’t need to know. The simplest quietest meditation will serve me. Don’t be fooled however about the time, diligence, patience and mistakes necessary to consummate the process. But if you really want to be a mystic, you’ll devote yourself to using the tools God gives you.

Honest to God, I feel so inadequate explaining to people why I prefer to sit on a cushion for a few hours rather than watch say a football game on TV or go shopping and out to dinner.

Remembering my Parents

Many people write essays about their parents and in retrospect, their parents look good. Mine don't; forgiven but not saints. What follows is my opinion, my judgement, or my beauty and love; depending on your perspective.

I will be 50 on Monday. When my dad was 50, I wasn't even born. When my mom was 50, I was 15. I hated her guts; not just because it was a teen age thing, but she was a drunk. My mom drank every night, usually through a black out. She was mean in her drunkeness. I hated both my parents and did not value them. Looking back, I have no wisdom that I got from them. They did not teach eternal truths or character values.

Now, here is the retrospect part where I let them off the hook: because of watching them, I have a tremendous compassion and empathy for all people. In them, I saw extreme degradation of the human soul. I knew it was also my soul. I knew we were all degrading our souls by our petty lives. I felt divine sorrow, as if I was God himself lamenting over my lost children. I remember seeing my mother with my human eyes, swaying in drunken sluriness before me. I remember seeing with the eyes of my heart, the unactualized soul behind the drunk. I watched my father doze off on the couch after yet another dinner time emasculation administered by my drunken mother, or his terribly wounded pleading as he asked me to explain the drunk. In them, I could see their divine essence, trapped and crying out to me. The divine soul that I saw was not at all physically visible. It was just a thing I knew in my heart, as I hatefully looked with my human eyes at these impoverished people. When I see soul degradation today, in others or myself, I feel pain and sorrow. I work spiritually and metaphysically to undo the situation.

We, all of us, do things to degrade our soul and cut off the spiritual communication with God. [I say "our soul" because my real life is not my own, but God's; and everyone is the same creation of God. I say "my ego" because egos are separated from God and only pretend to exist as stand alones.] The real pain I feel in compassion and empathy is the tragedy of what we, all of us, do to hurt our selves and trash our divine dignity. My compassion and empathy come into play all the time: as people, we do things which are extremely little, puny and ego oriented. We do almost everything and anything to please our egos. We buy little trinkets, waste our time on TV, chase after money and cheap thrills, and over-eat our lives away; wondering why we are never satisfied and don't know God. The message of all spirituality is that God is within. While I participate in littleness to a great degree, I also resist the tendency, and practice turning in to the inner divine.

As a child, my parents certainly played a huge role in un-dignifying me; stripping me of any semblance of human dignity. I came out of childhood without a scrap of self worth; and maybe never even heard of the concept. In fact, I was an achiever; but I never thought of that as a message that I was a good person. I thought I had managed to fool all the other stupid people into believing I was good. I thought that I was really rotten but good at hiding it. I kept pleasing people and getting approval; and then thinking they were stupid because they approved of me. Nothing satisfied me.

A good deal of my adult life has been spent in finding and healing my human dignity, our soul. I haven't drank for over 23 years. Getting sober was the start of the journey. I'm sure that the only point of my life and my spiritual journey has been the finding of our soul. For sure, the reconnection to God is the main focus of my life.

A Course in Miracles, the Bible, Islamic, Hindu and Buddhist writings, all of these are treasure troves. In them, I mine for true wealth, true connection with God and all that is. Since the age of 22, even before getting sober, I spent hours everyday meditating on some holy writing. And after listening to the words of the writing, I listen to the words of the Silence. I want to hear what God is saying to me. And then I go to work. And then I go running and lift weights. I drink distilled water, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my mouth. I listen to the Silence, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my head. All the while, I am strengthening the sense of our soul, allowing it to live instead of my ego. Our soul is my human dignity. Our soul is my heart. Our soul is my reason for being. When I am done with my ego delusion called human life, I will exclusively be this magnificent soul, that always was and always will be and is not my own. I really only exist in the heart of God.

Monday January 12 is my 50th birthday. Stop back by and leave me a comment!

Spiritual Tools and Gratitude

I wanted to express additional gratitude to God.

My life is focused on the spiritual. So few actually want "seeking God" to be the main theme of their life. How grateful I am. How happy I am. I have been given a wonderful spiritual tool kit...and the willingness to use it.

Some tools are obviously spiritual: contemplation, lectio divina and worship.

Other tools are adjunct, but in my opinion necessary: fasting, raw food diet, colon cleansing, spirulina and chlorella, juicing, filtered water, sobriety, exercise.

So many of us bemoan our pocket books or envy the other people. I am rich with health and spiritual connection, Christ consciousness. Yet most people would not want to use my tool kit. Most people would not trade their bar-b-q for my colonic irrigation. Most people would not want to trade an hour of TV for an hour of contemplative prayer.

I am happy and grateful for the wealth of willingness. I don't yet know how I unlocked my spirit initially, but all of my practice since then has only opened the door wider and wider. I say again, how grateful I am.

Lost My Leg

Last night, even after I posted my blogs and shut off the computer, I thought, "I am arrogant to the core and hatefully so."

This morning, when I sat down at my table, I thought, "Peace." Even as I sat in an AA meeting this morning, I thought, "I don't feel hateful right now."

So, I accept a reprieve from hatred. My emotional condition seems to me rather like a missing leg. The condition won't ever change, but I don't have to let it be the only thing in my life. Yes, it impacts everything, but it is not everything. I don't feel so bad. Now, I can laugh when my ego accuses me of being a spiritual failure because I still feel hate. Hate belongs to the ego. I can laugh. It just means I'm missing a leg. This perception shift in my view of my hatred must be a miracle.

I've lived with alcoholism all my life, but never desired to drink after that last one (23 years ago). Actually, I quit drinking on hatred. Yes, the morning after my last drink, I thought, "If you keep drinking, you will end up like your mother;" and I hated her. I quit on the spot and it was several months before I broke down emotionally, went to a shrink, and was advised to go to AA because I was an alcoholic. I am either a hateful drunk or hatefully sober. My hate is my handicap. But, sober, I can work with it. Sober and spiritual, my hate is not a weapon (except perhaps against myself).

AA is not about not drinking. It is about having a spiritual experience. I discovered religion before I discovered spirituality in AA. Having learned of the 12 Step techniques, I have expanded. I am actually quite happy with today's consideration of what hate is to me. It loses its power if I realize it is no different than missing legs and I can work around it.

• The Holy Spirit teaches one lesson...all power is yours.
• God has lit your mind Himself, and keeps your mind lit by His light because His light is what your mind is.

What is meant by this power is the power of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is of God. I am of God. Hatred has no power over me.

I ran 74 miles this week.

The Day After 08/08

• When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement.

Meeting makers only make it if they understand why they went to the meeting.

I ran 23 miles this morning. It was great weather, cloudy and 70F. This evening, I might go to a meeting. I've gone to meetings for 23 years. Something must have happened there or I wouldn't be here.

My Dream

I always wanted to be a mystic. Somehow this dream got started in my teenage years as I read Dune and Carlos Castaneda. It continued on into college as I smoked dope and dreamed of finding a higher consciousness in Strawberry Fields. "Who are you" rang forever in my head. "I am woman" was often the answer; inless it was "I don't want to live like a refugee." Or there were other answers provided by Jefferson Starship or Tom Petty or ELO. Anything from Mick Jagger was a nightmare. Mainly I felt jealous of others who seemed to be making it. On the outside, I appeared to be making it. I was president of a student association, awarded outstanding senior at a large university, awarded scholarships, ran a marathon, graduated with honors and got a job. Yet, on the inside I was an emotional disaster. It would have ended there in a pool of alcohol except...


After my senior year and before my graduate year, I spent six weeks in Israel on an archaeological dig. I certainly had my fill of beer while I was there. But I also discovered religion and I came home wondering who God was.


That question about God consumed all of my life after that, and it still does. I searched standard Catholic Christianity. I searched John of the Cross. I searched new age channelers. I searched Harley Davidson. I searched illicit sex. I searched monastic life (4 years in a monastery). I searched money and power and things.


I now have a practice of silence and a study of A Course in Miracles. I have been sober for 23 years. I run ultra-marathons. I work in a crummy chemical plant as an environmental engineer and sole female in operations management among a bunch of red necks. I live in a dinky house in a dinky town. I marginalize myself in every possible way. My modus is to shamelessly follow Jesus; which means to lose your life through renunciation of the ego world, including religion.


My one unique thought I got in a dream: Love is the predominate mode of existance.

• ...inducing the mind to give up its miscreations is the only application of creative ability that is truly meaningful.

Nothing to Call Myself

Father, I pray for an intuitive thought, inspiration or decision.

• The Atonement is a total commitment.
  
• The Atonement can only be accepted within you by releasing the inner light.

You will notice I make no attempt to properly quote my sources. This is a blog and in it I am free. Take what you want and leave the rest. It must not be important for you to know where I got anything. I will say that I hardly ever have an original thought. The one thing I want, an original thought, has been conditioned over so well by society. I am left with silence and nothing; with no attempt to grasp.