Spiritual Economy

You are used to material dollars and cents, and the continuous worry about having enough. Now consider spiritual wealth and the spirit economy. Tap into a new type of wealth and abundance. The only requirement is belief, which you might not have to begin with. You need only have enough belief to try, and then you will find inner abundance. If you have inner abundance, you won't care how much outer abundance you have. You will be free.

What stops you from spiritual abundance is negative beliefs about yourself: self loathing and self denigration. Go under these habitual negative thoughts and find the real essence of your being. Everybody has unconditional life itself. Feel life for a moment. Life will show you into the spirit economy.

Currently, people make it big in the dollars and cents world if they can find an idea which causes others to have a dopamine reward, and then they go to work selling that idea. Today's people love dopamine more than people 50 years ago. Maybe our society has developed and leveraged dopamine. Today's human brain wants dopamine more than ever and has access to more dopamine rewards than 50 years ago.

Take a look at a graph showing opioid overdose deaths by year, or opioid addiction rates by year and realize: dopamine addiction rates mirror that graph only a quantum leap higher. Everybody in the world is dopamine addicted. Everybody in the world wants to participate in the dopamine economy: getting more and more brain hits. Dopamine feels good.

Is there any way to feel good aside from dopamine?

Yes, in the spiritual economy. Feeling good because you touched the source of life itself which lives inside. Tap into a source which is not in the material dimension of reality. You've heard about meditation? You heard Jesus say to leave this world? Is your church a dopamine producing gaggle fuck with no real meaning?

At some point in your life, you will want to have truth. You will want to know what it all means. You will have to look within. The mother lode is within. True feeling good is sourced from within. You will have to be quiet and look inside.

On another note, ultra monk runs! (sorry about the wobbly video)

ACIM Birthday Weekend

7/29 is the anniversary of my becoming a student of A Course in Miracles. Coming later than sobriety but part of my foundation for inner peace, I bow before the Course and thank Spirit for giving it to me.

From it I get: looking within, looking beyond, non-specialness, trading littleness for magnificence, the Voice for God, the holy instant, the Real Relationship, the end of fear and more.

Friday, text 29.VIII.3: No one believes in idols who has not enslaved himself to littleness and loss. And thus must seek beyond his little self for strength to raise his head, and stand apart from all the misery the world reflects. This is the penalty for looking not within for certainty and quiet calm that liberates you from the world, and lets you stand apart, in quiet and in peace.

My world depends on something else than ordinary daily living. It depends on some infused spiritual reality such that this world is not really the only thing or even the most real thing. I am something different than the physical body. If I don't eat for one day, that validates the potentiality of another reality; something else besides ordinary reality. This morning, I was thinking that my years in a monastery did provide a reality non-ordinary. Re-calibration became possible. Every time I don't go along or don't participate in groups, I am shifting to the something else.

It happens every day that there is a challenge to my commitment to "other" reality. Some fear pops up because I have not gone-along with the rules of society. But really, it is getting less and less as time goes on.

I think the natural state of the human animal is to lay around eating and seeking pleasure. It takes a mental effort to go beyond subsistence and personal satisfaction. It takes an even greater effort to aspire to the spiritual reality and find some sense of its reality. Who really wants to go to any effort when you could just lay around the house eating and watching TV?

The entertainment industry provides littleness for the minds of those who watch its products. I refute littleness in favor of magnificence. Under or beyond our littleness is magnificence. I seek to shift there.

I stand by my spiritual stance, my spiritual seeking.

My Own Life

That is, live my own life. Take ownership of it. Stop feeling bad because I am not doing it someone else's way.

Maybe it is the age of 55+ years that allows me to finally say that and be mostly able to live up to it. Mostly.... Sometimes fear of those "others" still gets in my face.

But in my spiritual/ meditative work this morning, that is the intuitive response to my silent seeking. Live your own life.

I get up every morning at 3:30 am (and have for many years). First, I sit at my kitchen table, with coffee, and read spiritual material and also make silence in my mind for silent reaching out and silent listening. Then, I work out for about an hour. Then, I shower, grab my stuff and get to work by 6:30.

I am a vegetarian of the convicted variety. It means I'm not doing it for health but because I strongly believe eating meat is consciencously wrong. I also restrict my diet as much as possible in other ways since I also believe that participating in the Great American Obesity Machine is wrong. I don't like eating at table with others.

I abstain from participation in society and entertainment and consuming (as much as possible) too. No religion, TV, voting, sex, family, holidays, football, face book, and etc. There are aspects of work culture which mirror society and I don't participate in those either.

I tried for many years to achieve "enlightenment." But it seems to me now, that as long as I sought enlightenment per someone else's definition, I missed the enlightenment in my own heart. If I truly appreciate what I have been given for my own spiritual growth, then it is much more beneficial for me and I am given more. Along those lines, reading a book on the evolution of world religions or a Greek philosopher from the early Christian era or someone's research on early Christianity helps me to remove or discount beliefs which I have been given by society. I at least know where these beliefs about God came from; not God in any case but men who had their own agendas. (Yes, I meant men.)

I take ownership of A Course in Miracles as I have been a student 6 years. It has brought much mental peace and joy. I take ownership of my non-participation in the general mass habits; renunciation as it were. I take ownership of my solitary life. I take ownership of being an elderly athlete. This stance is to dis-obey survival synapses and the fear they generate and stand alone against the tribe.

I'm not going to feel less than or guilty because I am what I am. This could be a new era in mental health and appreciation of life for me. If I can successfully throw off peer pressure and just love me for what I am. It is finally possible. Of course people say this to each other all the time; but most people do not dare go outside society's rules and be a unique individual. I have been trying this process for awhile, well probably at leat 5 years. I see happiness in it which I never had before.

Nothing

The result of my morning meditation is: I got nothing to stand on.

My life is secure in the life of God.

My life is not my own, but a gift. In prayer, even the prayer of silence, I can thank The Giver. To do this, I need to stop hating The Giver. As soon as I just look at The Giver, letting all my thoughts go, all my expectations of worth go, then I am free. I am in awe. I am nothing but completely able to carry out Life Itself.

No kudos. No approval of this world. I am closer to being a servant.

I am willing.

All this comes about as I brought into meditation a no-win situation at work. Despite good work and great work product, a colleague will continue to produce combative e-mails. He does this to all, and many don't even read his e-mails. But for me personally, I hate someone criticizing my work. This hate is my problem. This hate is a symptom of ego fear. My ego is my problem; not the quality of my work. I let go of my work and what anyone says about it, and refrain from self-promotion.

How could it be more important to me to deny ego despite what others are saying? That is the crux of my spiritual life. And this situation is just an example. There are others where the world may cause my ego to fight. To be fully in the spiritual journey, ego must be denied. The idea that all is God, and just go along with it, must rule. Look beyond everything to God alone. That is A Course in Miracles forgiveness.

Renunciation only means something if it includes your ego. Material possessions pale in comparison with ego possessions. In some sense, we thank God for offering humiliation so we can deny the ego. Doing nothing in the face of exterior activities is definitely hard.

I wish it wasn't so hot outside. I think I could put on some water and go walk in the trees, but I am not sure I feel up to it. Maybe just some indoor cross training will be what happens.

Poverty and Laps

I just walked around Brummerhop park 30 times. I would have walked further, but I have an appointment this afternoon. I dread going out. I'd much rather re-fill my hydro-pak and head out into Houston's heat and humidity.

In walking, I've discovered my essence. I can walk and walk, if not fast. I cannot run and run. In walking around for hours, I lose myself and all my possessions.

The people who walk their dogs or pick berries know me. They see me walking around. Sometimes they comment. A man asked me today if I was doing it for exercise or cardio. Well.....  How do you answer that question without stopping? But the man wouldn't understand any way.

A walker may look fit, but they are not seen as an athlete. So I am robbed of that possession.
If I walk a race, I finish but not very fast. So I am robbed of that possession.
I can't explain in a sound bite why I walk. So I am robbed of that possession.
I can't explain to the multitudes why I walk. So I am robbed of that possession.

Well, really, all these possessions are ego possessions. In fact, walking belong to essence; and this cannot be explained. Bragging rights are the ego's. Soul simply walks.

I am going in a road marathon next weekend. I am looking forward to seeing friends. I am dreading the environment of a road race. I'll have to hustle in order to make the time cut-off. I don't want to hustle.

At the age of 40, I renounced the world and went to live in a monastery. At the age of 44, I got kicked out of the monastery. When I came back to secular society, I found I didn't want many of its things and activities. I've continued to live without much of society. As time goes by, I continue to decrease my participation in the general thought patterns. I thank God that I am free of so much social activity.

Yes I pay bills and go to work. No I don't 'many other things.' I work each day in my mind, pruning thought from society, encouraging thoughts of essence. My thoughts of essence are not my original thoughts. I might be studying some great thinker who is unknown to most of society, not mainstream. But the fact remains, I am not participating in society.

Walking laps in a small track, I can direct my thinking inward. I find essence. I have more time later today and 3 more days this weekend to enjoy solitude with essence.

Stability

Benedictines take vows of Obedience (to a prioress), Conversatio (conversion of morals) and Stability (to the monastery). I was in Benedictine formation and completed my novitiate. So even though I didn't make profession, I was completely formed by the Benedictine method. Regardless of public witness of vows, which I lack, I did write these vows out formally and make them to God. So in my heart, I made these vows.

And I've never been able to escape thinking about them for more than 10 years since I made them.

I was thinking about stability this morning. I need stability in the cave of my heart and stability of intention and action. Being stable on the inside seems like it should manifest as stability on the outside. In some areas, like the engineering profession, I've been an engineer my whole career. But not one employer.

So this morning, my small mind was continuing a struggle which is not a struggle. See, I'm a process safety engineer. I live in Houston where job openings abound. I've almost been with my current employer for 5 years. My small mind wants to apply for a job or two, just to see how much more money I could make. That is a ridiculous idea. I make enough money and I have a great job.

As I type this, I can feel the agitation of my small mind that continuously struggles. Why does it do that? What is the root cause?

For one, there is a dopamine reward cycle involved with achieving change. another dopamine reward cycle involved with self importance, and winning. It is very difficult to resist the lure of dopamine.

I don't want to make a change. But I don't know how to calm my small mind. Usually, I follow the small mind's dictates eventually. But this goes against stability at the present moment. And I want stability in order to continue putting my energy into contemplation and stability of heart. I don't want to waste my energy making job changes. My intention is spiritual growth and my actions should be in that direction; not following the small mind and achieving in the world.

How will I contain the constant agitation of my small mind? There are more agitations than job changes. I will continue to return to my prayer word. I will continue to stick to my habits of Conversatio, spiritual study, contemplative silence. I know this is obedience to the Spirit and not the small mind. I am spirit, not a small mind.

Un-measure

This is THE concept which causes friction in my ego. I don't-go-along with society. Unmeasure is the disorder we have in the world. I have for years turned away from Unmeasure. Overeating. Violence. Consumerism. Disease. Unconsciousness.

Sit physically still in silence.
Nothing comes.
That.Is. All.

Grow still.
Do not get caught up.
Refrain.

Block the outlets
with a Word.
Recollect Essence.

_____________________________________________________

Here is my testimony, my essence.

Lesson 7

Lesson 7 is "I see only the past." Meaning that I have past thoughts associated with everything I see. All meaning for me is formed from past thoughts.

Then I also read this morning from the ACIM Text 25.II.1: "The only value that the past can hold is that you learn it gave you no rewards which you want to keep. For only thus will you be willing to relinquish it." This part of the Text goes so far as to remind me that every "high" point in my life has ended in disappointment.

Related to Plotinus, the point is also made that this world is a cheap illusion and we need to turn towards The Good instead.

I pondered my 55th birthday coming up. I pondered my ongoing struggle with running and racing. I need to let go of some things. Running gives me much meditation. Racing gives me cheap thrills. But my ego desperately wants to grasp some "high." I study many spiritual authors. It seems that ascendance to Divine Providence does entail renunciation of the cheapness of life, paying attention more and more to The Beyond. I am doing that.

And then, I went for my first post surgery run in El Lago in the early morning. I have been running already several times. But I mean I went out the gate of my village and into El Lago before dawn, o'dark o'clock. I was bundled up since it is unheard of cold here on the Gulf coast. But I enjoyed my 26 minutes of jogging.

Relinquish

Jesus said, lose your life to save it.

I think he was talking about the ego life in this world. The Course in Miracles discusses this at lenght throughout the text. Below is one example.

I keep trying to drop ego identification. My running self transcendence project is just that. My downward mobility is just that. I'm going to try this weekend and for awhile to practice outrageous renunciation. It means not going in actural marathon races but doing a self transcendence private marathon. Can I do it even if it is summer in Houston? It means getting up early just as I would for a race.

Relinquish, relinquish. Let it go. Give it up. Peace is there right after you relax and let go.

So, here I go again, hot sweaty miles with absolutely no purpose other than to forget my ambitions.


From A Course in Miracles text 4.III:
"Salvation is for the mind, and it is attained through peace. This is the only thing that can be saved and the only way to save it. Any response other than love arises from a confusion about the "what" and the "how" of salvation, and this is the only answer. Never lose sight of this, and never allow yourself to believe, even for an instant, that there is another answer. For you will surely place yourself among the poor, who do not understand that they dwell in abundance and that salvation is come.

To identify with the ego is to attack yourself and make yourself poor. That is why everyone who identifies with the ego feels deprived. What he experiences then is depression or anger, because what he did was to exchange Self-love for self-hate, making him afraid of himself. He does not realize this. Even if he is fully aware of anxiety he does not perceive its source as his own ego identification, and he always tries to handle it by making some sort of insane "arrangement" with the world. He always perceives this world as outside himself, for this is crucial to his adjustment. He does not realize that he makes this world, for there is no world outside of him.

If only the loving thoughts of God's Son are the world's reality, the real world must be in his mind. His insane thoughts, too, must be in his mind, but an internal conflict of this magnitude he cannot tolerate. A split mind is endangered, and the recognition that it encompasses completely opposed thoughts within itself is intolerable. Therefore the mind projects the split, not the reality. Everything you perceive as the outside world is merely your attempt to maintain your ego identification, for everyone believes that identification is salvation. Yet consider what has happened, for thoughts do have consequences to the thinker. You have become at odds with the world as you perceive it, because you think it is antagonistic to you. This is a necessary consequence of what you have done. You have projected outward what is antagonistic to what is inward, and therefore you would have to perceive it this way. That is why you must realize that your hatred is in your mind and not outside it before you can get rid of it; and why you must get rid of it before you can perceive the world as it really is."

Miracles Mirrors Metaphysics Meditation

The first chapter of A Course in Miracles has 50 miracle principles; which are quite impossible to understand without further study of the whole course. Explanations and other miracle definitions are scattered throughout the text.

A couple of months ago, I stopped daily posting of my workouts on a social network site. One of the goals has been achieved: the site is not the mirror for my life. I no longer spend entire runs thinking about what I will write. I also don't receive the frequent atta boy pats on the head. I'm not in a race to achieve more and tell others. The same has happened at work. In the confusion of restructuring, my "in loco parentis" have lost their designation.

My ego can't stand the peace obtained when there is no mirror. Running without achieving enters a world without definition or limits; a free fall of nothingness. Working without promotion is totally frightening. What if they don't recognize me and I lose my job?

There is another reality, way of seeing things. Develop and use the metaphysics. Sit quietly in the silence of meditation. When Jesus discussed renunciation (mother/father, your life) he meant to leave what is distracting you, causing you to be sunken in a morass of fear, competition, compromise, dissipation, death.

A Course in Miracles offers: you are a thought of God, spirit, nothing more and nothing less.

I heard a long time ago in an AA meeting: take your dog out of the race. Another way to say: let go let God. Letting go always works for me.

It is Mother's Day. I do not have a mother. No one to approve of me today. This is renunciation. Can I stand to just be, not striving, not attempting to control or manipulate. Can I meditate on that greater force which I know as soon as I am quiet?

Useless Journies - ACIM Chapter 4

This morning I woke up with the question on my mind, "If you have no one to tell about your running and no dopamine rewards, what would you do?" In the silence, an honest answer is demanded.

If there is a thing as spirit, it must be brought forth and lived. I think it means giving up the things which are louder, the noise. Dopamine rewards are not spirit.

Then, I began chapter 4 (The Illusions of the Ego) of the Course in Miracles text. Here is paragraph 3 of the introduction: "The journey to the cross should be the last “useless journey”; Do not dwell upon it, but dismiss it as accomplished. If you can accept it as your own last useless journey, you are also free to join my resurrection. Until you do so your life is indeed wasted. It merely re-enacts the separation, the loss of power, the futile attempts of the ego at reparation, and finally the crucifixion of the body, or death. Such repetitions are endless until they are voluntarily given up. Do not make the pathetic error of “clinging to the old rugged cross”; The only message of the crucifixion is that you can overcome the cross. Until then you are free to crucify yourself as often as you choose. This is not the Gospel I intended to offer you. We have another journey to undertake, and if you will read these lessons carefully they will help prepare you to undertake it."

This paragraph is counter to denominational Christianity. This is one of the reason I like A Course in Miracles: it is counter-cultural.

So, I gave up a major internet social site. This gave me time to contemplate. Before I had such great internet connections, I contemplated. I stood in the silence and endured its searching. I want to be spirit, not ego. Giving up the ego's accomplishments is to hard because it means giving up the dopamine rewards. Its not that I won't ever try to accomplish anything, but that I will do it in secret. Because if I say anything, the other person congratulates me and I get the dopamine reward.

So, if I give up the rewards, it is a detox experience. Changing the habits which seek out the rewards is difficult. Seeking the rewards is a survival mechanism. Having a secure and valued place in the tribe is necessary for survival according to the ancient brain mechanisms. Today, achieving something and being praised is the equivalent of bringing the tribe some food.

I want to walk away from this mode of living. Not because I am better, but because I seek something else. Renunciation. Downward mobility. Giving in secret...praying in secret...fasting in secret...losing this life....

An interesting picture was taken of me on a bridge in Corpus Christi. I see that I am a skinny version of my mother. Not the drunk fat cruel mother with whom which I lived, but the spark of energy which could play beautiful piano and did seek higher things, only to run into the alcohol addiction over and over. As  spark, I live:

So funny, see I am holding my sun glasses. This was taken before the sun came up; but the wind was so fiercely blowing sand, that I had to put my glasses on for protection.

Thanksgiving 2012 - Results

I read 3 nun books this weekend. One nun realized that the Roman Catholic church is wrong about a number of things; but still thinks the Bible is true. Another left her order but never left the church; and realized that she didn't fit into life anywhere. Another book was just stories about various nuns in various orders. Since one of the stories was about someone I knew and several places I had visited, I could see that it was still a romanticized and pedestalized work of fiction.

I had a fantastic workout day yesterday. I'm itching to move from the 20k to the 50k at the race next Saturday. The HSE department at work is tremendously bust for the next 6 months as a massive turn around gets underway at our chempark.

So, something happened over my Thanksgiving retreat. I felt extreme happiness with myself. Last night as I finished the 3rd book I made an internal decision: I'm going to quit being a nun. That is, I've been out of the convent 9.5 years. Certain ideas and attitudes need to be forgotten as they aren't Truth to begin with.

I still won't eat meat. I'll still abstain from alcohol since it is poison.  I'll still be a Course in Miracles student. I'll still run my ass off. But I'm quitting certain other behaviors. I'll share as I go along.

This morning, I was up at my usual 3:19 to do spiritual study before working out. From ACIM 26.VII.17: Forgiveness is the answer to attack of any kind. So is attack deprived of its effects, and hate is answered in the name of love.

This is ACIM in a tweet. Forgiveness is looking beyond the illusion/delusion. Attack is all these thoughts against others, a sign of inner hate and fear. And remembering Love as the only reality or real existence, all problems are solved and fear ended. I can live by this and I need it to have a happy day.

As I said yesterday, "You create your own reality dummy." So project happy instead of fear and you've got it made.

That and a massive load of endorphins will get you what you want.

Unimpressive Simplicity

The Quran came today. The first paragraph is beautiful. I special ordered a leather bound, gilt-edged page, copy of this holy book. I figure that I have bibles bound that way, might as well do the same honors with any other scripture. All holy scripture is about loving God, hearing God and responding with an outpouring of words. In that sense, running is my response to what I heard from God and my response of love.

Today I ran the 5k in 30 minutes. I also ran an additional 2 hours and 50 min for an LSD. My ankle does not seem that bad, but definitely not good either. I have lost touch with reality: what should it feel like? Will it ever feel like that again?

In my life, I am aiming at greater simplicity. The dream of me sitting quietly in a bare room, listening to God, is a dream I’ve had for a long time. This dream fueled my move to a monastery. When I moved to a one bedroom apartment 6 months ago, the dream played a part in that decision. My solitude is part of the dream. My non-participation in society is to achieve the dream. Silence is for communion.

Yesterday, I removed several boxes of books I don’t intend to read again. I continue to simplify my diet. My finances are very simple compared to a year and a half ago (and no, I’m not invested in the market). Clothing is simple. Work is quite complicated and yet each moment is simple: just do the next task. Just produce work. Just lead the meeting.

I am thinking about simplifying my running after my next marathon. I need to continue to work on my weight lifting and core work as meditation. I was recently remembering something Sri Chinmoy said: “The seeker-runner has a shadowless dream of his full realization day in his outer running. The seeker-runner has a sleepless vision of his God’s full Manifestation-Hour in his inner running. Indeed, the soul’s qualities are by far the most important and most powerful qualities we need to manifest in order to run and enjoy a marathon. You know what spiritual disciplines you need to practice to bring those forward. At the same time, running and training towards a goal can in itself be a spiritual discipline. The outer running can remind us of the inner running and be of spiritual value to it."

I wonder where my spiritual life is leading me? Am I quietly slipping into heaven or is there another step change in my future? Love of God is my occupation.

Light

Yesterday, I ran 18.9 miles plus 30 minutes on the elliptical. Today, I worked out for 2.5 hours on machines (treadmill, elliptical and bike) then ran 8.1 miles and lifted free weights, plus situps and crunches. Endurance is my passion. I'll admit to a new pain which I can guess comes from too much cross training which I am not used to and a 3 week old pain lingering from my last marathon. I need to be careful as my next marathon, in Canada, is in 4 weeks.

Its my blog, here is an opinion: To drink, even one mind altering sip, is spiritual suicide. Of course, many do not know of their spiritual life, let alone what they are doing to ensure they are dead. One reason I quit going to meetings is the idea of spiritual life. Even the people in AA, supposedly practicing a spiritual program, are unaware of the life of The Spirit in them. They still view recreational or normal drinking as a thing to want to do; not as spiritual suicide.

Last night, I heard a tiny voice within me say, “I feel good.” I think that is the Voice I’ve always wanted to hear; finally, I accorded it my faith. So quiet, so subtle. It takes its time. The ego gets nothing when I give that Voice number one ranking and value.

I have an inner meeting place, where I go to gaze into the light. Nothing more is required or better in this life.

Can you sit in peace and allow the light to be? Can you just look, letting go of all else?

Who is the religious? Who is the alcoholic? Who is the runner? Who is the solitary? Who is the engineer? No one really. Only the light, the subtle, the quiet, is real.

Were you looking for a miracle? The light is it. An altar, a tabernacle, a Tao. The light is it.

Who did you think God was? Or what? Or why? Have you really investigated “Why a God instead of nothing?”

Its difficult to understand, this light. The deepest quiet ever. Always present. Never a noise.

To just be silent, gazing into the light, is an occupation. To do it, to actually do it, is the most amazing thing.

Oh inner eyes. Oh inner universe. Unbearable love and light. From whence I am.

Light is the transcended consciousness I sought for decades. To have looked into this fire is to have become a renunciate. Jesus said, “Take up your cross and follow me,” as well as, “…lose your life to save it…” So I have. I have renounced the social and ego world, including its idea of Christianity. Now I find its hard to maintain the uninvolved position. But I am not done following Jesus. He leads into the world of light. I have more renunciation to do. More learning from A Course in Miracles to do. The light is the Son of God, with whom we are one and don't know it. The light is the miracle.

Prayer

I started reading "The Song of Prayer," a supplement to A Course in Miracles. Here are a few excerpts:

• Prayer is the greatest gift with which God blessed His Son at his creation.
• The love they share is what all prayer will be throughout eternity...
• In true prayer you hear only the song.
• The secret of true prayer is to forget the things you think you need.
• Prayer is a way offered by the Holy Spirit to reach God. It is not merely a question or an entreaty. It cannot succeed until you realize that it asks for nothing. How else could it serve its purpose? It is impossible to pray for idols and hope to reach God. True prayer must avoid the pitfall of asking to entreat. Ask, rather, to receive what is already given; to accept what is already there.
• Prayer is an offering; a giving up of yourself to be at one with Love. There is nothing to ask because there is nothing left to want. That nothingness becomes the altar of God. It disappears in Him.
• Prayer is a stepping aside; a letting go, a quiet time of listening and loving. It should not be confused with supplication of any kind, because it is a way of remembering your holiness.
• One who has realized the goodness of God prays without fear. And one who prays without fear cannot but reach Him.
• Prayer has no beginning and no end. It is a part of life. But it does change in form, and grow with learning until it reaches its formless state, and fuses into total communication with God. In its asking form it need not, and often does not, make appeal to God, or even involve belief in Him.
• And prayer is as continual as life. Everyone prays without ceasing.
  

Such beautiful phrases. They speak to why I am devoted to silent contemplation. I experience the peace of God and listen to the song, asking only for communion.

I also read "The God Virus" last night. The God virus is really about the infection of religion into our psyches and lives and encourages investigating the hidden programming of religion, the logic of it and deciding for yourself how you want to live. It is somewhat amazing to see the many control tactics of religion and how similiar they are between all religions including Christianity, eastern religions and Islamic sects.

I know I want to be just a spirit. To be this, I give up attachment to other labels. I reduce the number of labels my ego seeks pride in. I get up in the morning and walk with God. I stop projecting negativity onto others and seek to see only that others are spirit too.

In this process, I take my inventory. I see what I am thinking and see what I can let go of. Yes, I believe there is more to me than a selfish ego. The something more is accessed intuitively or through listening to thoughts that seem non-ego based.

I am in a time of quiet and contemplation. All books give instructions about how you should be. I tend to judge myself to see if I measure up. Since I last finished the text for ACIM, I've let the written words rest. Now, I choose to listen directly to the Spirit for messages about my own spirit-hood. It is time to rest from judgment and let myself be love. It is time to have no opinions about what happens in my daily life but work with Spirit on becoming solely spirit.

On the other hand, my trainer is helping me work on my diet. My daily investigation of what I eat and the proportion of protein to carbs to fat, plus the proportion of complex carbs to simple carbs, is a whole new world for me. My spread sheet has expanded. It is working however as my weekly low is about half a pound lower than last week. I am trying to lose 3 pounds in preparation for marathon season. Perhaps this is also religion.

I did my long run yesterday. I have already run 50 miles this week. Today will be a weight lifting session and a short run: about 10 miles, or maybe only 8. We'll see. Now, I need to switch computers and do some work work.

Silent Saturday

I am not in the KC marathon today. I kicked a chair in the middle of the night on Thursday. Now, I can hardly walk. I had a dream on Thursday night about being off course in the marathon. Now, in my worldly dream, the same thing happened. This morning as I sat in my silence, I asked the question, “What is the message?”

Immediately came the answer, “Look within.” Running marathons, getting medals and bragging about it (grandiosity), which I do, is part of my ego’s little plan. To let go of little plans and accept God’s bigger plan is the point of the spiritual life and the sober life. God is not against marathons. I myself request of God to live life at a level higher than my ego; but sometimes I need God’s hand to get me out of my own littleness and hopes for grandiosity. For me, that means looking at the two dreams and accepting the message, accepting God’s help. I abandon my ego once again. Abandoning ego in favor of the Holy Spirit is a continuous project.

The ego seeks grandiosity to satisfy itself. We know that ego satisfaction only lasts a few minutes. Looking within, what do I find that is of value? What do I find that is more desired than grandiosity? Really, that is a difficult question to answer. The inner does not present itself in the same way as the ego's grandiosity. The satisfactions are quiet and peaceful; so much so that they really are not desired by most. Appreciation of peace must be learned. Refraining from seeking worldly kudos is impossible for most of us outside of monasteries.

I cut a hole in one of my running shoes. A little later, I will do a weight workout and then give the elliptical machine a try.

The Sober Life

By sober life, I mean living sober in all aspects of your life: spirituality, health, finances, and relationships. I recommend the sober life. It has joy potential because it offers freedom from most of what angers us. It is a life of binge abstinence, excess avoidance, consumption renunciation, and possession-less existence.

What I think of as the sober life may have been considered asceticism in former times. I stress that I do not live sober as a penance, but as a seeking for communion. I know sober living seems drab to many. I stress that its focus is on the art of spiritual living. The rewards are a fine body, awareness of God, peace, love and freedom.

The sober life includes a great awareness of God. To gain this awareness, the sober person drops from their life the distractions mentioned above (binges, excesses, consumptions, possessions) and instead puts their focus on The Presence. What is boredom to the non-sober is communion to the sober. These times of non-activity are when the sober person experiences the reward of sobriety; communion. Most people would do anything to avoid boredom; but it has not occurred to them that unoccupied time is exactly what is needed to connect with the Divine Presence. Well, connecting with the Divine Presence is not on their agenda, so I guess this doesn’t matter. Why I got so hung up on God is the most dramatic feature of my life. Not very many people become so obcessed.

I would do anything to experience communion; and I pretty much have: going to church or not going to church; joining a monastery; running ultra-long distances; fasting or over-eating; vigils; solitude; spiritual direction; reading; sex; 12 Step Fellowship meetings; etc. In some ways, all of these things are unnecessary, but I didn’t know that at the time. Now all I do is remain sober.

A sober life is trudged day after day. I know I have described the most boring and tedious life there could be. I share this as I am mulling over the temporary demise of my sobriety when I moved to the city and got a very demanding job. Now I am reformulating my sobriety to work with the people who are here and the other circumstances of my new life.

The building where I work is a three story brick structure of offices with an open courtyard in the center. It looks remarkably like the cloistered convent I used to live in. This morning, I have been writing up process hazard analysis reports for thiocarbohydrazide and tebuconazole. I'll never get Alzheimer's as long as I have to analyze these complicated processes. This afternoon I will go to a meeting on the new offices. After work, I'll go down to the basement and use the gym. The normal coffee station is out of commission during renovations. I've had to adjust my habits to find an alternative source of free coffee. I drink coffee because sitting in an office writing reports makes my eyelids heavy sometimes. They brought me a new phone today; and then said it wouldn't exactly work for another week. Today's emergency was a false alarm; a sprinkler head got bumped in a warehouse.

Saturday is the Kansas City marathon. I will be one of many runners experiencing what 26.2 miles can do to a body. But then, I'll return to sober running. Doing miles day after day is the best part of my life. I ran three miles this morning. It was wonderful.

Not going along with god

I have heard several programs on religion on NPR over the past few days. For Easter and Passover, they have been doing all this interesting coverage of God and Jesus and various religions. Today's program took the cake and turned my stomach. They were interviewing two authors of a book: "God is Back."

Here's the problem: if "everybody" doing something, I don't do it. That is the way I've become since disentangling from society. So, this realization of how popular God is, combined with my recent researches into the fallacy of scripture and the physiology of enlightenment, caused me to want to drop God like a hot rock. This reaction sort of makes me laugh because several years ago, I would have been happy to have more people on the God Squad with me. Today, I run like hell away.

Why? If everybody is doing it, or everybody believes it; then it can't possibly be true. Masses of people never trend towards truth. Masses of people always trend toward propaganda.

If I drop God, what I am doing privately then is not what the masses are doing and therefore, I can't use words which could be related to popular concepts. I may go into even deeper seclusion, even less input from the world. The reason is that I feel the addictive pull of false promises. I am NOT immune from marketing. I definitely feel the lure to get involved with something so I'll feel good. Even E. Tolle fits the popular God category. Even Buddhism and the Dali Lama or trying to do good in the world, all fit the popular category.

I can't join the masses because I'm sure I have something authentic inside me. It is quiet and unproductive. It counts for nothing. Can't be used for any profit. Doesn't hand out emotional favors. I cannot afford to have the gentle beckoning light I find inside shaded by clamor after worldly gods.


OMG: Am I defiant? Yes!

Lent - Desert Oasis of Reflection

Personal statistics: I am starting a new journal today. I buy five-subject college ruled spiral bound notebooks, one after another, year after year. When I start a new one, it feels like New Years, or like a new leaf is turned over or a new phase of life begun. On the first page, my title page, I always put “The Divine Presence is Everywhere;” from the Rule of Benedict.

Today is the anniversary of my personal ground zero. A year ago today, I spent laying in a hospital bed. I had my arm operated on the afternoon before, spent the night on morphine and during the day I was filled with codeine and antibiotics. I couldn’t really maintain consciousness. I had arrived at the hospital room at about 7 pm the night before. I was hungry at that time, but the hospital only had box lunches with turkey sandwiches, a meal I don’t eat. Then, during the night the morphine made me sick, so so much for hunger. Then around noon, I would have eaten. The hospital sent a “vegetarian” lunch: canned tomato soup, grilled cheese, green beans, canned peaches, milk and ice cream. Ummmm, I don’t eat any of that junk either, but I tried to nibble some. Then, I looked out the fourth floor window at a beautiful sunshine day. I realized how divorced my point of view is from the average of society. Even what society thinks is food is not what I think is food. In most areas of life, I am not on the same page as society, food is just an example.

More statistics: I have been studying ACIM for a year and 8 months. I have not been in therapy in that time (a record?). I have read the Text 3 ½ times and been through the workbook 1 ½ times. I’m 50 years old, 5’ 8” tall, 130 lbs, 23 ½ years sober, worked for one employer 4 ½ years, lived in one house 3 ½ years and my new bicycle is sitting in a box waiting for me to apply my mechanical aptitude to transform it from mere parts to a useful machine living up to its full potential.

I have several massive life long projects: the running project, the dieting project, the earning money so I can retire project, the worldly approval project, the hoping someone will love me project, the glorious accomplishment project where I gain life long satisfaction and the respect of my fellows. This is my worldly life. It is a black hole of futility sucking energy out of me. I have had many experiences but seemingly not accomplishing anything.

I have a spiritual life; a life lived in the spiritual realm. It has one project: the God project. The God project is for the glory of God, an appropriate subject for glory, and the only authentic experience of glory. I am determined to know Soul, Christ in me, The Anointed, Conscious Holiness; and I do because of my spiritual practice. Spiritual practice is necessary if only to ensure space for God in your life. Otherwise, the TV never lets God get a word in. The Word is the one thing really necessary.

The Insanity of the Long Distance Runner

I was supposed to go in the Olathe Marathon today, but it was cancelled due to weather. Marathoning is such a balancing act. You spend months planning for a race and doing the training; but you never really know if you will be side lined that day. You never really know how the race itself will come out.

Instead of marathoning today, I participated in the non-marathon of daily training, the insanity of milage. Yesterday, my boss gave me the afternoon off and I got in a 22 mile run before the snow could come. Today, I ran another 11 miles in freezing rain. If you asked me why I run this much, I quite frankly have no idea. It is such a conundrum for me: why? It is insane. I keep myself in marathon shape and enter races. I am not fast, so I come home from races with t-shirts, participants medals and age group awards which I get because there weren’t that many in my age group. Every time I enter a race, I wonder if it is just my ego entering the race and the spirituality in my mind really doesn’t care. My ego has dreams of glory. I have a hotel reservation for a race three weeks from now and tomorrow I will probably go to active.com and enter that race: a 50k. For what?

Today on my run, I was accompanied by herds of robins. They were continuously running up the road in front of me. They didn’t seem to care about the cold or wet. It was quite a peaceful way to spent 2 hours. When I am participating in the loneliness of the long distance runner, I am not alone. When I am out in the freezing rain, participating in the insanity of the milage, I am not a part of the world society thinks is reasonable. If running has any non-ego validity, it is these peaceful moments, disconnected from the world, when my mind is still, that my Soul speaks in non-words. Each moment is a whisper of guidance on the next foot placement. This is all spirituality really is.

My Soul's Purpose

Today, I got up at 5, did prayer until 6:30, lifted weights and got to running by 7:05. It was a beautiful day, especially for January; only 25F, no winds, clear skies. I ran 20 miles in 3 hours and 34 minutes. Then, I buzzed to the post office and the ATM at the bank across the street. At the ATM, I looked at the Dollar Store, right there. Inside are these cheap chocholate chip cookies I like. I just ran 20 miles; don't I deserve a package of cookies?

I didn't do it. Something inside me kept me from getting the cookies, eating them and feeling bad. What kept me from doing it? Did I unconsciously have a higher value with higher ideals which became my driving force? Was the power of God active and channeled through this higher value? The needed power to avoid unhappiness was there today.

Lets say that anything happy is powered by God through this higher value which I will call Soul. Soul empowers me to keep from hurting myself. (I have done alot of work to achieve this clarity of empowerment.)

So... running long slow distance (LSD) defies the ordinary person's unclear, non-Soul reasoning. Ordinary people just don't think LSD is a reasonable thing to do, especially if you are old (like me?). Yet for me, the needed power is there to do something extremely radical which produces transcendence experiences. I assume the needed power is that of God and Soul. I assume the power of God and the desire of Soul are behind the LSD; not ego. I must believe I run for some reason other than ego gratification; as the ego's running glory is widely dispersed and short lived. Hmmm...I run for my Soul's sake.

What is my Soul's purpose in LSD? As I internally ask, the answer immediately pops out: perhaps to keep me out of the ordinary so I will continue to awaken to the extraordinary. I have had many opportunities and success at ordinary social engagement. My Soul was not thrilled. My Soul kept urging me into the non-ordinary, transcending to extraordinary. My Soul's purpose could be what kept me from the ordinary man's cookies today; or his religion, or eating habits, or career, or entertainments, or chemical usage, or typical relationships.

Suddenly I am grateful. I want to find the extraordinary because I want to be free; not an ordinary slave. I want to be alive; not slowly die of ordinary materialism and satiety. I want to know my Soul and hence God. That is my purpose for life. It goes hand in hand with my Soul and together we rise to Heaven.