Letters - Day 1

Dear Friend,
Yesterday I decided to take advantage of my employer's (Starbucks) offer of 14 days pay if you want to self isolate. I started my time by sleeping 10 hours. I will go running in a bit. Then I had time to sit at my kitchen table, watch the little birds sitting in my bush, watch the rain come down and write in my journal.

Truly though, it became clear to me that the purpose of this mini-vacation was to practice leading edge consciousness. My life has totally been about connection with the spiritual source within. I have at times called it Higher Self, The Christ Within, Soul, or Inner Being. The consciousness of this power was strong within me this morning as I realized that leading edge thinkers are necessary, always but especially at this time. I have been granted time away from making lattes and bacon goudas to concentrate my thought on well being and peace.

“The physical being that you define as ‘you’ stands on the Leading Edge of thought, while Consciousness, which is really your Source, pours through you” (Ask and It Is Given, Esther and Jerry Hicks, page 13).

Stop and think of this definition of Consciousness and Source. Realize your higher power flowing through you in this way. Feel the flow of spiritual energy. Allow the flow of spiritual energy. There is no better, or other, reason for being alive but to allow this flow of Consciousness and go with it.

As I meditated this morning, I felt so grateful to the Universe for the abundance of time, solitude and peaceful energy flow. I felt my body tingle as I knew that Source had been with me all through my life and is now too.

We can think about whatever we want to think about. We can step aside from mass consciousness for periods of time and choose our reality. We all have this ability. It is so powerful to realize the implications of this practice.

Memories > Inner Being

Early in life, maybe more than 35 years ago, I saw "Cats" in London. I can still sing some of the songs. This afternoon, I found myself singing "Memories" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gd_ohoPzYc  ).

It is a mournful song, appropriate for and old lady; but not a dead lady. "I was beautiful then...and a new day has begun."

Yet here I am. This morning, I was at Starbucks opening the store at 4:30 am. Then, a decent noon meal,and then book reading while laying on my bed something inside me called me to get up and be present, work on my writing. Now, my brain and body are awake, ready for writing and exercise. It is a moment of feeling great, purposeful, connected to something greater than myself. The song from Cats only added power to my physical being. But the energy came originally from Source. Source called me to get off my bed and come be creative.

Isn't that wonderful? An old lady feels energy and gets busy creating. Some would say this means I'm connected to my Inner Being. I appreciate that knowledge. But I can't prove I have an Inner Being. But I am able to ride the positive, ride the creation energy. I know for sure, for sure, that the creation energy came from inside somewhere. A human amount of energy would have stayed on the bed.

Wait! I'm an old lady? How did that happen? Maybe I am not an old lady. What is an old lady? What is old? What does old mean? I bring this up because I want to go deeper into the meaning of a person who has been alive a long time. I won't go into long discussions of living in Berkeley CA during the Vietnam war. I won't talk about how television arrived when I was a small child and I used a slide rule my freshman year at college.

What is the depth of long years on this planet? It is more than wrinkled skin or grey hear. I don't have any health issues. I ran 15 mile just yesterday.

The only time I ever snuck out of the house as a teenager was to go to midnight Mass. My family had a ski cabin and we were there for Christmas. I went out the window of my bed room and walked half a block down a hill to the church. It was a cold but clear night with many stars. My mother had talked forever about midnight Mass, but we weren't Catholic. We were unchurched. Yet that one time, it was important to me to go to church. Who was God?

That girl who wondered about God. That is the true core of my being.

A new day, has begun.

God Consciousness

My studies of neuro-science and addiction have wandered far, including much pondering of hallucinogens. The god consciousness people describe during LSD trips seems like something I want but am deprived of.

Lately, I've been reading a book by a neuroscience professor, recovered addict, called "Never Enough" (Judith Grisel). She describes her acid trip like this: "... an ever-present, infinite, and wonder-full energy in, and around, and through, every speck of creation."

Well now. Actually, I know this. I have to admit that I know this ever-present energy without LSD. I know it whenever I want to know it. I just have to remember it. I am quite able to feel it as I feel the energy of joy and realize consciously that the universe is really a joy filled thing.

On another page, "Never Enough" describes the light of the LSD experience as: "...they (hallucinogens) shone a light on what is always available but somehow usually obscured." My daily short attempts to meditate have in fact given me knowledge of this "always available." The thing is that this ever-present energy of joy is not some tremendous out of body experience. It is a subtle knowing sort of thing. The author says that hallucinogens disrupt the default patterns of synapses. The thing is, that any person can also disrupt the habitual thinking patterns without drugs if they want. Just use the spiritual tools.

The beauty of quiet mornings, when I can sit quietly and ponder spiritual matters is that I share these times with a God Consciousness. And I admit that my entire life has been a seeking of this God Consciousness. The seeds of God Consciousness were planted very early and have been growing ever since. Now, in my sixties, I look at a huge tree, impossible to ignore. The growing of this tree is the purpose of my life.

And so, I still do laundry, go to the grocery store and work at a job in the service industry. Also, I will go running in a forest and thank the trees. I will also consciously thank all the people.

Spiritual Economy

You are used to material dollars and cents, and the continuous worry about having enough. Now consider spiritual wealth and the spirit economy. Tap into a new type of wealth and abundance. The only requirement is belief, which you might not have to begin with. You need only have enough belief to try, and then you will find inner abundance. If you have inner abundance, you won't care how much outer abundance you have. You will be free.

What stops you from spiritual abundance is negative beliefs about yourself: self loathing and self denigration. Go under these habitual negative thoughts and find the real essence of your being. Everybody has unconditional life itself. Feel life for a moment. Life will show you into the spirit economy.

Currently, people make it big in the dollars and cents world if they can find an idea which causes others to have a dopamine reward, and then they go to work selling that idea. Today's people love dopamine more than people 50 years ago. Maybe our society has developed and leveraged dopamine. Today's human brain wants dopamine more than ever and has access to more dopamine rewards than 50 years ago.

Take a look at a graph showing opioid overdose deaths by year, or opioid addiction rates by year and realize: dopamine addiction rates mirror that graph only a quantum leap higher. Everybody in the world is dopamine addicted. Everybody in the world wants to participate in the dopamine economy: getting more and more brain hits. Dopamine feels good.

Is there any way to feel good aside from dopamine?

Yes, in the spiritual economy. Feeling good because you touched the source of life itself which lives inside. Tap into a source which is not in the material dimension of reality. You've heard about meditation? You heard Jesus say to leave this world? Is your church a dopamine producing gaggle fuck with no real meaning?

At some point in your life, you will want to have truth. You will want to know what it all means. You will have to look within. The mother lode is within. True feeling good is sourced from within. You will have to be quiet and look inside.

On another note, ultra monk runs! (sorry about the wobbly video)

The Silence of My Soul

I wonder if the energy that goes into work is robbing me of inspiration. I mourn the holy leisure I had during my 4 year monastic life.

Are there any thoughts which are not spiritual?

Looking at facebook pictures of a sister getting ashes, I wonder, "Does it help to play church all day and live in the play house?"

My soul does produce thoughts I didn't have right before I prayed.

A Course in Miracles 27.III.4 : "An empty space that is not seen as filled, an unused interval of time not seen as spent and fully occupied, become a silent invitation to the truth to enter, and to make itself at home... For what you leave vacant God will fill, and where He is there must the truth abide."

"Reality is ultimately known without a form, unpictured and unseen."

And so, sitting quietly this morning, I had a brain storm. What if "I" am configured like a mag drive pump? Google mag drive pump if you don't know what that is.

 Essentially, the impeller part of the pump, in its casing, spins and moves liquids. That I think is like my ego mind or ordinary consciousness. The motor causing the impeller to spin is connected magnetically, but the impeller itself doesn't know this. Like my ego mind does not know how it comes into action. The motor is like the right side of my brain; totally in control of the left side and itself connected both to power and to communications. Power for the motor is connected to a Source, the power plant. So I see it as the Spiritual connection to Source. Communication is a connection to a control room which orders starting and stopping and speed. I see the control room as Higher Self. It also of course is connected to Source, but differently than the individual motor and pump.

Don't get too carried away with the analogy. Just imagine yourself connected in some way, in touch with Spirit and part of a whole. It feels good.

I don't need to go around playing Church all day and night. I just need to pay attention to my spiritual connections. I know it is impossible for any one to not be connected.

12 Step Endurance Practice

Yesterday I went in an ultra marathon. I know my limitations. I try to prevent the big toe blisters which chronically occur. I tape my knee so the ACL does not get tweaked. I know that if the blisters get too bad, I'll quit.

But it is the mental game which is not only the point of a timed endurance event, but the most difficult part. I don't mind quitting when my big toes are destroyed. I do need to keep going if my only problem is fatigue. Leg fatigue always happens, but it is not the end of the game.

So, I wanted to avoid premature quitting. I needed a way to keep my mind healthy.

I tried something totally new. I made myself a little book. I wrote down sayings from a 12 Step book, one page for each step. I would study and ponder one step for 4 laps (approximately an hour). This way, my goal is to ponder the steps and not pay too much attention too how I feel. Remember, these steps are taken in the context of an ultra marathon, and my life's day to day struggles; not an alcoholic obsession.

Somehow, the endurance run became my spiritual adviser. It spoke to me of character defects I didn't really see. So the result is a new understanding of myself and an end to some of the habitual hatefulness.

6:15, I arrive at the park. It is dark still. I unload my chair, little table, cooler, bag of food, bag of extra gear. I pick up my number and chip.

6:45, we have a little meeting where the race director explains every thing. This race has about 50 people. I see a woman who I met at another race. I talk to her. At the Habanero run in August, I had suffered from severe dehydration and had to sit by the side of the trail for a long time until I could stand without getting dizzy. She had stopped her race to watch me. That was very nice. I asked her if she finished. Yes she did; but it took 11 hours to finish that 50k. Oh my. I don't think I could have done that regardless of dehydration.

7 am, off we go onto a one mile out and back course. It is a nice park and it turns out that I like seeing all the racers, so I don't mind out and back. But clearly, this type of race offers no challenge but the inner challenge.

I step up to the plate with Step 1: "who cares to admit complete defeat?"  Wow, how do I start a race with that? But really, such a thought smacks my ego right at the start. I get rid of any expectations of what "I" think "I" will do. Right from the start, I accept that my ego will be defeated. No grandiosity. No glory. No bragging rights.

"...unless he has accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences..." The toes are my devastating weakness. The eventual pain of toes and legs which will force me to quit are my devastating weakness. I am powerless. It is only a matter of when. My ego hates quitting.

"... no amount of human will power..." Well, this caused me to think about the normal approach to ultra marathons which is successful for most people. They decide that they will finish the race no matter what. And they do, come injury or whatever, they finish. I've never done this. And now, my Step 1 has told me that no amount of human will power will do it. Other people can do it, but it doesn't work for me. In other words, I can't. I agree.

4 laps done in just under an hour. On to Step 2: "Having reduced us to a state of absolute helplessness, you now declare that none but a higher power ...." Really? Only a higher power will get me through this race. New thinking for me in the context of a ultra marathon.

" ...all you need is a truly open mind..."  I looked at my mind. How closed is it? I could see some places where it was closed.

"...I had only to cease fighting..." I fight alot in many areas of my life, but regarding this race here and now, what am I fighting? Shoes, food, heat, race management, other people, the rough patches of pavement, porta-potties... This concept turned out useful a bit later when it was very hot and I decided to walk instead of fighting the heat. At the end of step 2, two hours into the race, I thought I might like to eat one of my sandwiches and some fruit, only to realize that those things had been forgotten at home. I'd have to eat course food. Rats! I'm not in control.

"...road blocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance..." All  of these ideas have application in life and in a race. But my theme for the day seemed to be realizing that self reliance would not work for me.

"...provided we place humility first...we received the gift of faith..." Now I had to think about my pride and gain humility. My pride causes me to go too fast in the early part of a race because I want to be done at a certain time. Or I look at the other lady who is my age and I want to beat her. Or the fat person. Or the guy talking too much. Or...  God, my head is full of crap.

"...we had substituted negative for positive thinking...this trait had been an ego feeding proposition..." Now this really hit me. I suddenly saw my whole pattern of thinking, for the past 11 years since leaving the monastery, as negative and how that fed my ego. Amazing. I've never seen this before. The race is my spiritual adviser.

"...at no time had we asked what God's will was for us." Here, I had to realize my race goals and plans were mine, not God's. And then throw up the silent prayer of wonderment, "What are Your goals for me?" Remember I forgot my food? Well, now, the Race Director and his plans for the aid station became the higher power and God's will for me.

Completing 8 laps, I moved on to Step 3: "...cut away the self will that has blocked the entry of God" My self will.... hummmm. I had an inner niggle related to self will blocking God, or Higher Self if you please. That enlightenment which many others get always comes at a moment of defeating self will.

" ... instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development" Oh yes, another sudden revelation of how "I", logic and instinct, was bolstering egotism. And it is egotism which is causing all my unhappiness and hatefulness in life.

"...dependence on a higher power is really a way of gaining true independence of spirit." I really would like independence of spirit.

"...some problems refuse to be solved by all the sheer personal determination and courage he can muster" Well, here I am, My own courage is not going to finish this race.

"It is when we try to conform our will with God's that we begin to use it rightly" True, but do I do this? Not really.

Now, about 3 hours into the race. A guy from work shows up. I am truly surprised. He had called me one day last week and in the course of the conversation, I had mentioned I was going in this race. I only vaguely mentioned where it was. And I was joking about him coming. But he did come! And he was there for quite awhile. He walked some with me and he went off to practice his Frisbee.

I went on to Step 4, now with this guy from work as part of the mix: "...total inability to form a true partnership with another human being...we have no once sought to be a worker among workers...of true brotherhood we had small comprehension..." Here is this guy from work who has driven 40 miles to this race. I would never have done that. But he did. Why has he done it? I really don't know. I do know that being "just one of the engineers" is very hard for me. He takes my picture.

"...discover a chink in the walls my ego has built..."  I imagine myself as behind an ego wall and I can't really see any chinks. But as I mentally decide to inspect the wall closely, maybe a small chink can be found. The main thing is that I realize it is a wall. All the metaphysical teaching of A Course in Miracles and Paul Brunton and Eckhart Tolle and Plotinus speak of the separation caused by the ego. Step 5 of the 12 Steps is meant to take down the wall and put you on The Broad Highway.

"...pride, leading to self-justification, always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears..." Now, I suddenly realize how much of my thinking is self justification. I am continually silently telling stories to various people about why I have failed them. Now I see it is self-justification. Now I see it was pride and that behind pride is fear. If I can only become conscious of the fear.

"...all the faulty foundation of my life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock..." The race is doing this, step by step, mile by mile.

"...why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?" I need to let go of my plans and go along with the conditions of this race. I wish I could accept conditions at work.

Now it is 4 hours into the race and I'm at Step 5: "humility...a clear recognition of who and what we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be." Back to humility as a concept for an ultra marathoner.

"we began to suspect how much trouble self delusion had been causing us." Self delusion is another metaphysical proposition: that the world we see is an ego world and not the Real World. I accept self delusion and feel a slight inner nudge; but can't attache any conscious realization.

"...that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand..." Yes, I again inspect the ego wall. I see that it is there. I see I have no plans to change it.

"...the steps all deflate our egos..."  I knew this. I also know for it now. I am beginning to suffer as the miles pile up. It is getting warmer.

"...things which really bother and burn us..."  Again I look inside. I haven't lately really tried to define the categories of situations which really bother and burn me. Certain things are my hot buttons. But I haven't tried to define the ego aspects and say consciously that this ego button bothers and burns me. And, now in the race, the idea is too slippery.

Now it is five hours and 20 miles into the race. My toes hurt and I am upset because they shouldn't. Something is very wrong. I run marathons without toe tape and don't have so much problems. Now, I have taped the toes and am in serious difficulty after only 20 miles. The tape is taking up space in the toe box. The tape job is not good. And, it is hot.

Step 6: "...who doesn't like to feel superior..."  I can again identify a habitual trait within me. I can feel superior to certain other people on the course; or worse, the fat people having bar-b-q and not exercising at all. But then I also know those people I scorn will also stay out there longer than me and go farther because they are willing to slow down and shuffle forward regardless. Or the bar-b-q people are being kind to one another and enjoying family.  I'll decide that the pain is enough and quit.

"Self righteous anger can be enjoyable..."  I again identify a habitual trait within me. I think about this more in terms of my work relationships. Its bad.

"we take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority." My thoughts go to conversations I typically have with others, especially related to those slow drivers.

"abandon our limited objectives and move towards God's will for us..." Now, I arrive at the race itself. I have limited objectives. Is it possible that God has a further limit? This part comes true when I get to 26 miles. I can pick up a medal for 26 miles. The next medal is 50 miles. If I go past 26 miles but not to 50, then I have nothing to show for it.

I had planned to walk and jog for 30 miles, then switch shoes and walk only. But my toes are bad. It is hot. ok, I need to change myself and accept where I am at. The steps are making this possible. At 24 miles, I change the shoes and decide to walk. I say to myself, "I am used to going for 10 miles walks in these shoes. I will forget the previous 24 miles and now start a new 10 mile walk."

And on to Step 7: "the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of AAs 12 Steps" No kidding. This was the 7th hour of the race. If, I made it through 4 laps, I'd be at 28 miles, an ultra marathon. My legs were in pain but not the injury kind of pain. My toes were bad. It was hot. I'm out long past a normal training run. I'm approaching a marathon, when normally the race would be over. Yes, the race is kicking my butt; and my ego is insisting that this should not be. But it is. Accept it. I am under performing according to my ego.

"without humility, they cannot live to much useful purpose or in adversity summon the faith that can meet any emergency" Well, I see that self will cannot help me in THIS emergency; or any other I realize. Never has.

"character building and spiritual values had to come first" The race is causing me to build character; mainly as I face the weakness of my pride and ego. Mainly as I face my personal physical shortcomings. Short  fat toes get blisters no matter what. Shoes just don't fit them.

"we never thought of making honesty, tolerance and true love of man and God the daily basis of living" Yes, but how do you do that? I don't have the ability to not be egotistical. I mainly live by instincts: selfishly protect my self. But yet, there are many instances where I help someone else even though my ego has just told me not to. How do I become the person which is always helpful and not have to fight with self all the time?

"For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own strength and intelligence, for just that long was a working faith in a higher power impossible" I am beginning to realize my ability to focus on spirituality is failing. I'm hot and tired and in pain and higher thinking isn't happening.

"the process of gaining a new perspective was unbelievable painful" This only told me that I am in pain at that moment. If I was gaining a new perspective, it was certainly through the pain.

During the 7th step, 26 miles came and went. I passed the point of getting another medal since I didn't think I'd make it to 50 miles. Now, for the first time ever, I am doing miles for no gain. that is new. There won't be a material reward for what I am doing. I don't know the answer to why I do ultra marathons. The answer is somewhere out there in the miles and in the time.

I just passed my 50th lifetime marathon. One of the guys decides he will walk this lap with me. He says that the course is long. That his garmin just went past 27 miles even though we just past 26 miles. This is when I remember this is my 50th. I tell him and lift my hands in the air. We talk for this lap and it goes pretty fast. Then he quits.

7th Step Prayer: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding"

Step 8, 8th hour: ".... develop the best possible relations with every human being we know..." I don't try to do this. Now, at this moment of the race, I can't even figure this out. I'm ok with these people here. I'm not really able to want to fix my work life right at the moment. I am hot. My toes hurt.

"... Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness..."  Slippery again. I know I came from a bad family. I know the emotional problems are there. I can't do more right at the moment.

"...what happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore..." I do this. My only hope is that when I return to work next week, I will become conscious of when this is happening. Right now in the race, I can't realize that I feel sorry for myself. Everyone else here hurts too. I know I am going to quit but they will keep going, no matter how slow, someone will be doing it. If I was unconscious of self-pity, I might quit and hate myself but not know why. Today, I will quit eventually, but not out of unconscious self-pity.

9th hour, 32 miles complete, Step 9: "...we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of step nine." This isn't helping me at all. I can't focus on it.

I changed my shoes after 32 miles. Now I am wearing shoes that have the toe box cut out. I decide to see how bad my toes hurt. I consider that if I quit, I won't finish the 12 Steps. My toes hurt even without anything touching them.

But here's what happened. Near the end of lap 33, I pull into the shade. Suddenly I think, "If there is a traffic jam on I45, you might as well stay here at the race." Suddenly, my race is to be decided by Houston traffic. I can't help myself. The iphone comes out and Houston Transtar app is opened. No traffic. 100 feet later, I am asking for the 26 mile medal and handing in my chip. Game over.

Last night, I could barely hobble around the house. I stayed in bed about 10 hours. This morning I feel quite good. Definitely, 33 miles is not as bad as 50 miles. I'm glad.

The major difference between this race and other similar events? While I did go a few more miles before quitting, and I didn't quit in hatefulness. I think that at other times, I have quit in seething hatefulness and self-justification. This time I quit with a peaceful mind and good attitude. So I quit at the proper time, but my ego was not involved. this is called serenity and I am grateful for it. Thank you 12 Steps.

Another part of the 12 Step program is the Serenity Prayer. This prayer did not occur to me yesterday but it does now as I reflect on the race. I got serenity yesterday. Serenity was the outcome.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Onward to life's next lesson.

Self Transcendence

This morning, I read the opening pages of "Waking Up" by Sam Harris, noted atheist. It was yet one more description of enlightenment; that experience of self transcendence which causes people to know the love behind the world. In his case it was caused by the drug ecstasy.

I have read many such stories of enlightenment experiences and tried the techniques.

Of myself I can do nothing. I can only sit quietly. I realize I have had glimpses of love and the vastness of the universe; but they are subtle compared to the enlightenment experiences described by others. But I can't take the drugs, fast enough days, undergo monastic profession, run far enough, have a brain injury or even reach a deep enough despair.

Of myself I can do nothing. My spiritual path is the one of the tortoise not the hare. Whatever I wish for, I cannot change this. I can't take the drugs. I can only love what is here in my daily life. My self transcendence happens to be a conscious action. It is not dramatically emotional and this is the main difference between me and the so called enlightened. I didn't get a main event. I got my life here and now. I got a decision, a choice of thinking now. I got a choice of perception here and now.

It has been more than 30 years since the moment I stood in the Jaffa Gate in the old city of Jerusalem and considered God for the first time. Since that time, I have grown in conscious contact with a power greater than my small self. THIS!

Plotinus 5.1.10

I picked up Plotinus again today; right where I left off, 5.1.10. For a few week, I was reading "A History of God" by Karen Armstrong, along with my ongoing A Course in Miracles study.

I have to say, I immediately felt inspired and seemed to understand what I was reading. At least, I felt the hope in inspiration and the value of a life of contemplation without any worldly ambition or achievement. Since I live partially in the world, I continually feel the pull towards achievement instead. I fight the draw towards "more" but am not always successful.

But Plotinus gives me again the idea of contemplation of The One (first), Being (second), Soul (third). And then I right now achieve inner peace.

Why is it such trouble to turn inward? I struggle at work because the company is always wanting people to have a "career ladder" and to be achieving. I see others being promoted and feel jealousy. No really. I see that I don't want to do those things but I need to give my ego something instead. So accepting hope from Plotinus allows me to rest. Surprisingly, spirituality is one thing I have control over.

It is Sunday and I stubbornly and rebelliously stayed in bed a long time, even though I more or less woke up quite early. I loathe going outside and I fooled myself into saying I would stay inside for my workout. But as I type this, I have on my heat gear shirt and am planning to go for a walk. The walk will be in some trees and be a slow as necessary; but I know I am going outside. Selah!
5.1.10

Quote:

10. We have shown the inevitability of certain convictions as to the scheme of things:

There exists a Principle which transcends Being; this is The One, whose nature we have sought to establish in so far as such matters lend themselves to proof. Upon The One follows immediately the Principle which is at once Being and the Intellectual-Principle. Third comes the Principle, Soul.

Now just as these three exist for the system of Nature, so, we must hold, they exist for ourselves. I am not speaking of the material order- all that is separable- but of what lies beyond the sense realm in the same way as the Primals are beyond all the heavens; I mean the corresponding aspect of man, what Plato calls the Interior Man.

Thus our soul, too, is a divine thing, belonging to another order than sense; such is all that holds the rank of soul, but [above the life-principle] there is the soul perfected as containing Intellectual-Principle with its double phase, reasoning and giving the power to reason. The reasoning phase of the soul, needing no bodily organ for its thinking but maintaining, in purity, its distinctive Act that its thought may be uncontaminated- this we cannot err in placing, separate and not mingled into body, within the first Intellectual. We may not seek any point of space in which to seat it; it must be set outside of all space: its distinct quality, its separateness, its immateriality, demand that it be a thing alone, untouched by all of the bodily order. This is why we read of the universe that the Demiurge cast the soul around it from without- understand that phase of soul which is permanently seated in the Intellectual- and of ourselves that the charioteer's head reaches upwards towards the heights.

The admonition to sever soul from body is not, of course, to be understood spatially- that separation stands made in Nature- the reference is to holding our rank, to use of our thinking, to an attitude of alienation from the body in the effort to lead up and attach to the over-world, equally with the other, that phase of soul seated here and, alone, having to do with body, creating, moulding, spending its care upon it.

If your thirst is whetted, here is 5.1.12:

Quote:

12. Possessed of such powers, how does it happen that we do not lay hold of them, but for the most part, let these high activities go idle- some, even, of us never bringing them in any degree to effect?

The answer is that all the Divine Beings are unceasingly about their own act, the Intellectual-Principle and its Prior always self-intent; and so, too, the soul maintains its unfailing movement; for not all that passes in the soul is, by that fact, perceptible; we know just as much as impinges upon the faculty of sense. Any activity not transmitted to the sensitive faculty has not traversed the entire soul: we remain unaware because the human being includes sense-perception; man is not merely a part [the higher part] of the soul but the total.

None the less every being of the order of soul is in continuous activity as long as life holds, continuously executing to itself its characteristic act: knowledge of the act depends upon transmission and perception. If there is to be perception of what is thus present, we must turn the perceptive faculty inward and hold it to attention there. Hoping to hear a desired voice, we let all others pass and are alert for the coming at last of that most welcome of sounds: so here, we must let the hearings of sense go by, save for sheer necessity, and keep the soul's perception bright and quick to the sounds from above.

ACIM Birthday Weekend

7/29 is the anniversary of my becoming a student of A Course in Miracles. Coming later than sobriety but part of my foundation for inner peace, I bow before the Course and thank Spirit for giving it to me.

From it I get: looking within, looking beyond, non-specialness, trading littleness for magnificence, the Voice for God, the holy instant, the Real Relationship, the end of fear and more.

Friday, text 29.VIII.3: No one believes in idols who has not enslaved himself to littleness and loss. And thus must seek beyond his little self for strength to raise his head, and stand apart from all the misery the world reflects. This is the penalty for looking not within for certainty and quiet calm that liberates you from the world, and lets you stand apart, in quiet and in peace.

My world depends on something else than ordinary daily living. It depends on some infused spiritual reality such that this world is not really the only thing or even the most real thing. I am something different than the physical body. If I don't eat for one day, that validates the potentiality of another reality; something else besides ordinary reality. This morning, I was thinking that my years in a monastery did provide a reality non-ordinary. Re-calibration became possible. Every time I don't go along or don't participate in groups, I am shifting to the something else.

It happens every day that there is a challenge to my commitment to "other" reality. Some fear pops up because I have not gone-along with the rules of society. But really, it is getting less and less as time goes on.

I think the natural state of the human animal is to lay around eating and seeking pleasure. It takes a mental effort to go beyond subsistence and personal satisfaction. It takes an even greater effort to aspire to the spiritual reality and find some sense of its reality. Who really wants to go to any effort when you could just lay around the house eating and watching TV?

The entertainment industry provides littleness for the minds of those who watch its products. I refute littleness in favor of magnificence. Under or beyond our littleness is magnificence. I seek to shift there.

I stand by my spiritual stance, my spiritual seeking.

Spiritual Integration

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. I didn't make that up, but I like it.

I've been reading a philosopher named Plotinus for 3 months now. He was a student of Plato in around 250 CE.

But my focus is necessarily on my own personal spiritual crisis: how do I connect with a higher power?

In Ennead 2.9.2, P discusses three parts of the Soul. One part standing high, in the presence of Beauty and The Divine Beings. One part concerned with this world. One part in the middle which is tugged higher and lower but never succumbs to the lowest. In this, I am instantly reminded of Freud. I have not studied Freud beyond some idea of ego, super ego and id; not knowing what Freud really meant.

From what is said, I will take in my own words. My soul can dwell in contemplation of the things above it and  "establishing order by the marvelous efficacy of it contemplation..." What the soul draws from the contemplation "it communicates to the lower sphere, illuminated and illuminating always."

What I understand from that is the Course in Miracles explanation of "the real world;" or the AA Big Book discussion of "the realm of the spirit;" or even what Jesus said "the kingdom of God is within." And so we know why I sit in silence, a bit withdrawn from the day to day world. It is to feel this soul above. So I want to direct my attention to the thing above, to gaze on the divine. Plotinus allows this to varying extents. To have a life that is spiritually directed, then I would contemplate higher things and allow divine order and illumination to come down of its own accord.

I still think that contemplation and establishing the order of my life from spirit rather than by my own plans and designs is best done with space between me and the general social order.

There is another call in my mentality, to more involvement in the world. If this call came to fruition, I'd need to put greater effort into the contemplation despite the time needed to carry out any other worldly commissions. As of now, my only decision is I want God above all else. And I will gaze up in order to draw down.

This is the pearl of great price. I actually have it. But I still wonder what my daily life should be like. I still need money. I will still get old. I don't think middle class Americans, and I am one, are capable of saying "enough." My dream is of a tiny cabin hermitage; but I don't think my brain would be able to stand it.

My brain won't stop competing unless I take charge of it. Like today, my ACIM Lesson is "I am entitled to miracles." When I need to take charge of my brain, I think my lesson. The lesson reminds me of a spiritual picture of reality which I want.

Turn the Page 2013

It is the end of the year. Yesterday my wall looked like this:

Today it looks like this:

A blank wall. Turn the page. Let go of 2 years worth of racing. Let go of last year's 12 marathons and 4 half marathons. Let go of the DNS due to a March snow storm in Kansas. Let go of the DNSs due to surgery. Let go of the wasted air fares, entry fees, people not seen, miserable results.

I'm starting a new position in my company in 2014. I have a new heel. I have a new philosopher to study.

I'm almost 55 years old, just a few more days. My life should be past its mid-life crisis. You would think that I would have accepted everything. But this morning, the pondering carried on. Few dopamine rewards accrue to the solitary.

When I came into sobriety, I had to admit powerlessness and un-manageability over my life. In the monastery, the act of monastic profession was bound up with the idea of total self gift to God. I really wanted to make my total self gift and have it validated by the religious order and Church. Instead, I got kicked out, so no validation of my gift. This morning, reading Plotinus' Enneads, the idea of self disposal came up. Self disposal is true if there is no outside master or compulsion over the act; and it is inwards toward The Good. I realized that I have control over this. I can do it.

I return to my life. 55 years of some interesting events, some dopamine rewards in achievements, but no visible purpose. My ego got nothing but older. But I see that self disposal is true. I have been somewhat solitary for about 10 years. In my somewhat ordinary life, dopamine rewards thwarted by solitude, self disposal is possible. Total self gift becomes real in the surrender, in the admission of powerlessness, in the ongoing spiritual practice with no worldly rewards.

This Christmas, my ego got nothing. I got what I wanted.

Not This Not That

Just now, I hopped on my leg scooter and rolled out to the mail box. I don't go outside much these days so a trip to the mail box is a chance to pause and feel the sunshine. It is a beautiful morning. Houston has finally cooled off. I could hear birds. It was very peaceful. I know that others are out doing their miles. I am happy that this does not bug me. I am happy that I can be at peace.

During my convalescence, I have spent more time on spiritual study. I am continually integrating the concepts of the 3 traditions I am currently studying: A Course in Miracles, Conscious Contact (AA), Paul Brunton.  These three have the same foundational concepts but say it in very different ways; and my mind is integrating them. Monastic practices I learned in the monastery play a part in this integration, but they have to be separated from denominational Catholicism and Benedictine-ism.

I say "Not this Not that" because I realized this morning that I don't have to label myself in spiritual terms. I don't have to call my self a "desert dweller" "hermit" "monk" or anything. I get to just keep relating to Spirit and going where ever It leads. I don't have to prove anything to anybody. In fact, my current status as a handicapped person is an impoverishment in most people's eyes.

The good news is that we can have conscious contact with a power greater than ourselves and we don't need to leave our homes. We just need to devote ourselves to the quest; and we are guaranteed to succeed. What I want more than anything is the conscious contact, the living of the spiritual identity here and now; not in some ashram or convent or under some guru or after I die. Now.

It is always possible now.

This week I found out I am getting a raise at work. Logically, this baffles me because our company is having austerity, and because I am being transferred to another division so the people who applied for and pushed the raise are not the ones I'll be working for in a couple of months. But somehow, it was necessary for the Talent Management program to address my salary for the purpose of retention. I have to mix this occurrence with my metaphysics and accept that my thinking must have been changed by spiritual practice or the raise would not have happened. It is not the money but the recognition that reality is made of thoughts and my thoughts must have risen higher.

This week I am going to a Process Safety symposium. I am going as a semi-mobile person. It will be interesting how the accessibility goes and which people take an interest in me or not. I worry about stuff like what size of luggage to take and how to lug it around. How easy will it be to get in and out of the hotel. What will the shower be like? I am bringing plastic bags so I can wear my boot in the shower. It is doubtful that a bench will be available. What about the convention center? Can I access the plenary session? I am going to case the convention center the afternoon before.

By the way, my foot is doing fantastic. Now I just need to be patient and not stupid.

Easter 2013 Multi-Day

On Thursday, I got in 3 hours of workout plus strength.
On Friday, I got the private marathon done plus strength.
On Saturday, I did the half marathon plus elliptical plus strength.

Now it is Sunday. I'm headed to the park for a long walk, plus additional cross training this evening.

Pretty decent 4 days of workout; a multi-day. Just for me. Part of the anti-dopamine project. Downward Mobility in the material world. Drinking the dregs of my personal energy.

But down in my guts, the one thing I always wanted was the spiritual connection. From the start, I observed strange religious behavior and I believed that those people knew God, or Jesus. I tried everything to achieve the reality.

I never made it.

Now that I am studying neuro philosophy/science (brain books), I can't claim that beliefs are based on anything other than warped survival instinct.

But study of A Course in Miracles does help me deal with my fear and have happy days. So do endorphins. But I don't know more than that.

I hope some day I have the spiritual connection. It is the hope and dream of a lifetime; which is slowly and depressingly eroding.

I think I'll go buy something.

Yes My Soul Yes

It is better to have tried to climb the mountain. There is nothing to think about. No carrot and stick reward systems. The soul can be found; even with the rudimentary spiritual tools available to American suburbanites. These will be refined with consistent use. The main thing is to stay on the path. Don't go to an Ashram for life. Go to work. Listen. The soul will come.

It is not a quest for the most marathons, or 100 miles in one race or money. It is self transcendence, which could look like anything.

I am but dust, and to dust I will return. Mental asceticism is for now. I will just walk this weekend.

Character Necessities:

• cognitive restraint
• situational consistency
• remorselessly critical
• Prime interest
• mental asceticism
• dimensions

Spiritual tools: silence, listening, ego deflation.

I sang this while running on Sunday (Peter Paul and Mary?):

How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
...
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

A curious thing happened this week. I had my annual review and all is great. As a technical professional, one doesn't expect advancement, but a happy career performing a function. So, I have that where I am. But, after the review, I went back to my office and received a phone call from a person I know in another division of the company. They asked if I would consider a new posting in that division.

I wondered what this meant as a result of my spiritual work. But I had mostly forgotten it on Friday. Today, I wonder if the white bird has landed or if she will sail again.

For now, its off to walk in the park.

Listening To The Call

Long ago, I went to university, a school of engineering, and I became and engineer. Then, years later, I desired to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer. I entered a Benedictine monastery, a school for the Lord's service. The monastery gave me tools of contemplation and prayer. These tools have stuck with me just as much as engineering. I didn't stay at the Benedictine school to teach. I finished my novitiate and moved on to be a journeyman of sorts.

After a strange and sudden ejection from the monastery, I re-entered secular life. I spent a couple of years as a Roman Catholic. During this time, I realized that the Church was not an institution I could support with my personal moral fibers. I also came to believe that denominational Christianity was doing very little in helping people realize their true Christ nature. No one was "doing the things he did."

I continued to investigate various ideas: meditation, raw foods, fasting, Essenes, hermits; and eventually A Course in Miracles. Somehow, this Course has became my area of spiritual specialization post graduating from the school for the Lord's service.

I have spent a great deal of time being upset that 4 years of monastic life divorced me from society. I simply can't join with the normal societal flow of eating and drinking and watching TV and gabbing away about nothing. But it is also true that I can only hear one voice at a time. If I want to hear The Voice for God, then I must stop listening to the voice of the world.

This does not at all mean I hate the other people. I just can't participate in their world. I can look with the Christ Vision given by the Voice for God; and accept its peace at any time. This practice is what I am doing out here. When I look with Christ vision, I am projecting peace; and this is all The Spirit asks of me.

Inspired by Chapter 31.I of the ACIM text:
Hear not the call for pain within yourself.
But listen rather to the deeper call
of love which asks in quiet for peace and love.
And all the world will give you peace and joy.

2012 has turned to 2013.
I am about to turn from 53 to 54.
I run another mile. I drive another mile.
I work another day. Another dollar is deposited into my account.

In spiritual dollars, I am rich. That is enough for me.

Not as the World Gives....

....do I give unto you.

Our company has a "women's initiative" asking for 30% of level 2 management be female by some date. Here in the plant, that's impossible since there are so few women who work here to begin with. But because of said initiative, I was invited to a focus group this week. And after work last night, I chatted with one of the other ladies involved with the focus group. This discussion added to the fact I didn't get promoted earlier this year because I'm currently the only who can do what I do at this plant. And add in that I have applied for 2 more job transfers to other locations which would also be promotions.

Add these occurrences and I realize that I am mentally provoked. My brain keeps looking at the male corporate hierarchy and wondering how on earth certain individuals make it to the top. Or fuming about guys who have failed but continued to be employed and highly paid but shuffled to lower jobs; where I, outstanding performer, don't get that money.

They say around Missouri, "the only fair is in Sedalia."

When I go home in the evening however, I remember spirituality. Spirituality, whether it is a false reliance on platitudes or not, does bring relief from mental haranguing. Remembering spirit, I seem to remember other values beside corporate power and salary competitions. And I find myself filled with peace and gratitude.

Yesterday eve, I put my ear plugs in my ears and worked my Nordic Track for an hour. I closed my eyes and found the Bible speaking to me: Not as the world gives do I give unto you, Be still and know, I am the bread of life, Into thy hands I commend my spirit.

The workout goes much faster when I go blind and deaf than when I have the radio on NPR. Listening to NPR is like listening to commercials for the poor and downtrodden. I find myself somewhat angry at the subtle guilt and anger producing presentations. Blind and deaf, I retreat into my inner world and leave the outer world. Right or wrong, this retreat brings peace and mental quiet.

When I got kicked out of the monastery, I felt strongly that it was to be a monk in the world. Since then, my ideas about God have undergone huge de-construction. I continue to struggle with vocation versus career. I find myself completely unable to communicate with others about spiritual topics or practices. I find myself judged for drinking coffee or putting salt on food or having a cookie. I continue to abhor alcohol and meat-eating as spiritual (or actual) poisons and spiritual death. I don't try to explain but get criticized for not joining work groups when they go out for drinks and dinner.

Additionally: we are so conditioned to think money and power are the best if not only rewards. What we are trained to think of a rewarding is usually material in nature. Seeking rewards from higher notions of character is not that easy.

I cannot prove there is a God, or that my relationship to a higher consciousness is true. It could just be brain chemistry. But I return to the spiritual practice since I'd otherwise have to kill myself. Selah!

The Business of Enlightenment

Today I am traveling to Chapel Hill, NC, for the kickoff dinner and meetings of my company's Passport Leadership Program. The two days seem like the antithesis of monastic perfection: staying at the elegant Carolina Inn, being wined and dined, brushing shoulders with executives, being driven around in limos, listening to career planning talks.

All situations can be used by the inner divine self for detachment from the ego and identification with the inner. It is consistent between A Course in Miracles, Paul Brunton, science, what Jesus said, what Buddha said: this world is an illusion and I am not my ego. My spiritual life is about detachment from ego so I can identify with the inner divine self. My priority is spiritual listening and learning, not necessarily corporate promotion.

The shortest spiritual program is this: Silence in the mind, bringing my thoughts to The Spirit, continuously deflating my ego, dependence on God.

Deciphering Aristotle

Today is Thursday. I returned home from my business trip last night; so this morning, I returned to my regular routine. I got up at 3:15 and spent the first 45 minutes in spiritual study and meditation. Then, I went running for an hour on hills.

I'm not sure you could call Aristotle's "Metaphysics" very spiritual. But philosophies which delve into the origin of being necessarily concern themselves with a first cause. Most of us think this first cause is God.

I'm pretty sure that I mainly have no idea what Aristotle is really saying; and I don't think the translation I have could be accurate. But here is the connection I made for myself. I, as a unique personality (soul), had to have come from somewhere; hence there must be a Source (God) which spawned my soul. To add to that, I'll mention that Paul Brunton, whose essays I am also reading, says that we can connect with a higher intelligence but the higher intelligence is not God (Source). Perhaps the higher intelligence is a step towards God, but not God.

I now define what I mean by "spirituality." This higher intelligence is not physical so I will call it spiritual. My spirituality is the learning about and connecting with this spiritual higher intelligence. Some call this spiritual intelligence: Holy Spirit, Higher Self, Overself, Atman, Tao, Essence, even Jesus is at times considered this spiritual intelligence.

When I turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself, I mean this higher intelligence; not God. I surrender to this higher intelligence because it does a better job of running my life and telling me what my life means than my individual ego. My ego is not my soul. I consider my ego as soul sickness manifested as conscious delusion.

Summing Up Religious Experience

I am finishing the book "Varieties of Religious Experience" by William James. If you have not heard of it, maybe that's cause it was written more than a century ago. I have enjoyed it as it is a great analysis of individual spiritual experience vs institutional religion from a scientific methodology. The book is woven through with ideas from "A Course in Miracles," which was not written until 70 years later. The book clearly shows the foundation of Bill Wilson's spiritual theories (Alcoholics Anonymous). The book quotes almost no scripture and does not at all approach the subject of Jesus and his divinity.

Religion or spirituality is about me and who God is to me. Even the societal pressures to conform to the predominate religion has an affect on me personal relationship to God. The conclusion for me: I have sought God for decades. I believe some higher power has been active in my life. I have no proof of the existence of said God. My life is more meaningful if framed in the divine relationship and divine presence.

For some religious people, church is following a commandment of the deity. "Do this in remembrance of me." If they don't do it, they are guilty.

For some born-again Christians, God is an emotional satisfaction built on an effective emotional experience.

For atheists, no-God is true because there is no evidence of God; and most if not all God-experiences can be traced to physical properties.

I can't say my spiritual study is emotionally satisfying. I can't say I follow commandments from God because of fear of guilt and damnation. I'm one of the ones broken free of the Bible's false grip of authenticity. I can't say I have any proof of God's or Spirit's existence.

All I have is a mental tenacity that wants to connect to Spirit and receive help from Spirit. In this condition, any sense of presence fails me. However, I truly find comfort in reciting my spiritual creed. My God is a solid rock upon which I stand. I've never gone down too far nor up too far.

My life is not my own. That is one of the most soothing statements ever.

I create my running out of freedom, not ill health or some doctor's advice. So my purpose in it is divorced from the reason why most people take up exercise. For me however, the pursuit of infinite endurance has been a lifelong interest. My running is a constant in my life, a steady state. The energy of endurance and the energy of prayer are one and the same, intertwined as if making love.

I return to what I said above: my spirituality is about me. If I get the promotion at work, its because I let some higher power work out the details and give me intuitive thoughts if I need to know something. I am yet a tangle of negative attitudes and thoughts. This tangle is my unhappiness with life. Supposed spiritual practice has loosened the grip of negativity and allowed for success in peaceful living. I still wander aimless on the earth. I have no final goal unless you call some spiritual mountain top my goal. What I need is spiritual help and I do believe I get it. I admit my belief is a delusion; perhaps even a dishonest and corrupt soul sickness. Part of the reason I seek solitude is to sort through this soul sickness.

And so starts my Sunday workout: 4 to 5 hours of endurance.

Silent Solitude

When I was getting kicked out of the monastery, I was terribly upset that I would never have the close relationship with Jesus, as spouse, that the sisters professed to have. Hidden in the fear was the notion that I wouldn't be as good as them in God's eyes.

Now, realizing today, Jesus is a mental object for me. This mental object seems to have no reality in the tangible world whatsoever. I have either been faking it, hoping he would show up based on my faith. Or I had faith that despite his lack of reality, good ideas and beneficial situations were somehow spiritual gifts. I presumed that there was an accessible spiritual level filled with a tangible presence, a personality, which could be felt.

But now I admit that the spiritual level is for me a silent solitude which is a dark nothingness. No voices. No lights. There may be a sense of presence, but that sense could be merely a projection of my fervent wish for a tangible presence. Its funny that I hesitate to say it is darkness because I have before been accused of being in the devil because the devil is darkness and God is light.

For decades I have entered the silent solitude and looked for anything else. I read books and noticed that other people found something. So I continued my pursuit. Many people find nothing, give up, go have a beer and forget about spiritual pursuits. Yet I have persistently continued to enter that nothingness and say, "Into your hands I commend my spirit."

I said before that this silent solitude need not be perceived as terrible; and reacted to with a desperate primal scream followed by furious worldly activity which roots the person firmly in the concrete world. I am coming to believe that I can live consciously in the reality of the silent solitude, the dark nothingness.  I am coming to identify with the reality of silent solitude and allow my investment in the concrete world fritter away. I see that if my loyalty is to the nothingness, then all my worldly fears have no basis. I prefer to live fearless, even if it is as nothing.

Such a plan to let go of tangible reality would be considered psychologically dangerous. The fear of what other people thin of me is probably one of the biggest barriers to freedom that I have allowed to govern my consciousness. Now, my decision is to live in spiritual silence and follow each intuitive thought. The hazard is the insidious underlying selfish hope: if I pretend to be nothing, maybe I'll fool the gods into giving me emotional pleasure and enviable knowledge this time. That knowledge of God which is better than what others have is what my ego wants.

I, the unknown spirit writing this, am starting to want a silence which is utterly pristine, unadulterated by spiritual achievement.