The Oldest Woman

I don't suppose 56 is all that old. Actually, I thought I was 57 until ultrasignup.com corrected me. At 56, I am the oldest female in an ultramarathon to take place today. It starts at high noon in the middle of Texas. The main challenge is that it is hot. It will take me about 9 hours to walk and jog my way through 32 miles.

Today, I am on lesson 69 in A Course in Miracles: My grievances hide the light of the world in me. I am also reading The Power of Now by Tolle for the second time. The ACIM "light of the world" is Tolle's Now, pure consciousness, Presence, the life in me. So the point of doing this race today is to practice being being.

Yes I meant to say "being being." Or rather, being Being. Out there in the heat, in a forest park, I'll be saying my ACIM lesson. Every so often, I'll say "good job" to some passing racer. No doubt I'll get into a conversation with some one. I'll be thanking the aid station volunteers for their help. At the end, I'll get my medal, get in the car and come home.

It doesn't really matter if I finish today. It matters that I was there.

Snowdrop T- 1.5 and counting

Tomorrow is packet pickup. Tuesday 7 am is the start.

Today I did a 6.6 mile jog walk in El Lago. It was a good chance to practice wearing a rain suit. I realized that I'll have to save the impermeable rain suits for the real downpours on New Years Day. For cold and wind, I'll use Gortex and my Texas wind proof jacket. Layers and fleece underneath. Head swathed in hat and buff. I'll have the down parkas for really cold times. I have adequate gloves.

But you know, it is illogical and nonsensical to spend 30 hours over 3 days walking around a dirt path just for a belt buckle; or to say I ran 100 miles. So why do this?

It is a mental exercise. It requires me to hone my patience and perseverance. How do I keep going when my brain is insisting I stop. And my brain is right. Keeping going doesn't matter. Except in a non-physical sense.

Very few get the point of this. I'm not sure I do, except I keep doing it. Most friends I know say this doesn't make sense. They are right, it doesn't. The results are only in my mind.

Its not for Everyone

This week, I got in 62 miles, and about 17 total hours of workout. Saturday was my first 22 mile jog/walk in about 8 months. I was glad to get it done because I am concerned about the Calgary Marathon coming up June 1st. I think I'll be able to get that done.

But my mind is very endurance oriented. I still want to accomplish a multi-day event. I lay in bed and think about doing laps. I wish I could just go and go. Well, I still have some heel issues to work out. I know that any multi-day event I do will be slow. I'm fine with slow. I need to prevent toe nail losses and figure out how to stay in the game for more than 16 hours.

What is not for everybody? Virtual events. I signed up for a 7 day virtual race. It is linked to my fitbit, and I get a buckle if I do 100 miles. This would be my second virtual event. I find that I do hold myself to higher standard than I would otherwise when I am even slightly accountable. The virtual event does push me. In my case, it is a test to see how long it takes me to get to 100 miles. I'm hoping I can do it in 4 days.

This is leading up to a real race in December. It is also mind training. My mind needs as much work as my feet to accomplish a multi-day.

With the virtual event, I get to sleep in my own bed and eat my own food and save travel costs. I am racing less these days as races now cost over $100 and race directors try to pack more and more people in. I saw a race where the course was 100 miles, a t-shirt and belt buckle were offered and I suppose timing; but otherwise, completely self supported. Why is that so different than my virtual race?

Would I cheat? No. Cheating would bother my conscience. The accomplishment has to mean something to me. Since I don't talk to very many people, there is no point in having a belt buckle that I cheated to get. I need the 100 miles to be my truth, not anyone else's.

Endurance has been a part of my character my whole life, even when I was a teenager. Even when I was a kid on a swim team. My whole life I've wanted to do endless miles. I continue to figure out how to do that.

Enough

I was just looking at the ads on a local running calendar. All the race ads were for races that featured spray painting, foam or warrior obstacles. What ever happened to just running?

Err, more races are put on by professional race directors. In the sense that there are more races, that is good. In the sense that too many people are allowed to enter, or expenditures for stuff like porta potties are cut, that is bad.

And fees go up. And you can have your splits show up on FB....  Wait, I don't belong to FB. How will anyone keep up to date with my life?

I have been running and racing for over 40 years. I am getting slower, yes. The thrill of racing is diminishing. My miles are not diminishing.

This morning, I jumped on my elliptical and did a great 40 min of cardio. I like this activity because it is so easy and relaxing. I have this wonderful benefit. I don't realize at all what advantage I have over the vast majority of mature adults. Nope. Exercise is just what I do.

I have wanted the Endurance State of Being since I was very young. It gives me a feeling of infinity. In Houston, in the humid summer heat, miles are still possible. Its just miles. Nothing fancy.

More Miles

If you want to do endless miles, then just go do it. Today I did make it out of bed at a reasonable 6:30 and started walking at 7:50. I had no goal really. I just filled my hydro-pak with water and started walking in Meador Park.

I went 17 miles. When to stop?

The idea of miles is positively addicting for me.

I had 2 phrases from A Course in Miracles Chapter 6 in my mind: Alignment with light is unlimited. Allow no darkness in my mind. Over and over, realizing when I was thinking darkness and limits.

After about 3 hours, I had an enlightening moment. See, my mind had been roaming around the United States thinking of long distance races I want to do. Or just thinking of multi-days. Or thinking of how hard it is to do the miles without any sort of race or reward; just do the miles, write it in your book and go on. My left foot was slowly but surely getting sore.

Then after one of my phrase repetitions, it hit me: my mind IS unlimited!! That is IT! Yes, a crucial part of ACIM learned: I am not a body I am free. I am still as God created me. I get to choose all my thoughts. Nothing I see means anything. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....the little runner who could.

Saturday Walking

Today, when my alarm went off at 5:30, I easily got out of bed. An hour later, I began a 10 mile walk at 4 mph pace around Seabrook. I am walking because I am resting some aches and pains.

My thought was: The Holy Spirit's Love is my strength.

Now, a few hours later, my foot feels good enough to proceed with an afternoon workout: free weights and elliptical and bike.

I am not upset about not running. In fact, I don't really care if I never run again. The swelling on my heel may be with me for this lifetime, so I don't sweat it. But the achilles and plantar will heal and then I can walk longer and further. In a 24 or 72 hour race, most of the people are walking so I will fit right in. But until the plantar feels better, I can't even walk much more than I did today.

I can do sit-ups forever.

Badwater 2012 is over and the race reports are coming out. I read a particularly gruesome one today. the person did not conclude that this was the greatest thing he ever endured. It brought back my own "Why?" questions.

I can't explain endurance. Perhaps it is the same as an alcoholic getting drunk. Endurance is just something that must be done. That is why the thought of walking 24 hours doesn't phase me: it is endurance and it must be done.

The sisters in the monastery hardly walk at all, but the liturgy of the hours and daily hora et labora is a horrendous feat of endurance; lasting 60 or more years.

People who get up and go to work everyday might be enduring in a magnificent way.

I prefer my endurance with endorphins. So I walk and cross train. I am also fussy about my chiseled arm muscles, so I use the TRX for arm running.

Laying on my bed and reading this afternoon, I realized how wonderful the labor of endurance is. It enacts the most magic thing about any human mind: getting off the bed. How do we ever get off the bed?

While I walked, I dreamed. What should I do over Labor Day weekend? Should I go to St Louis and walk 12 hours? Or go to Utah and walk a marathon?

How many 50 somethings do you know who face such treacherous decisions?

True Identity

This morning I was on my treadmill for a couple of miles. I have there index cards with quotes from A Course in Miracles. This morning, I was reading this from chapter 31: "The savior's vision is as innocent of what your brother is as it is free of any judgment made upon yourself. It sees no past in anyone at all. And thus it serves a wholly open mind, unclouded by old concepts, and prepared to look on only what the present holds. It cannot judge because it does not know. And recognizing this, it merely asks, "What is the meaning of what I behold?" Then is the answer given. And the door held open for the face of Christ to shine upon the one who asks, in innocence, to see beyond the veil of old ideas and ancient concepts held so long and dear against the vision of the Christ in you."

I was inspired by "It sees no past at all" and "to see beyond the veil of old ideas."

See, in the past week, I've poured another pile of money into somewhat helpful theraputics for my left heel; but was still left with annoyance of the practitioners or the business model they adhere to. In appointment number 3, the therapy was pain producing; and the practitioner was suggesting I spend more and more money on various things.

No matter my spiritual aspirations, I can't sustain endless expenditures. And then I said to myself, "it would be much cheaper and probably just as effective is you cut back on running." Except for I wanted to go in a marathon in Utah on September 8, I have no qualms about less running/more cross training. Logically, the cross training is better for me physically.

This phase of my development means that I have to let go of old identities: I am a runner. But, as a Course in Miracles student, I know I need to identify with Spirit. And to the door is open to once again take a step away from delusional reality and step further into Spiritual Reality.

There is a great deal of inner peace in my cross training. It is not attached to the world. It has no goals. It is symbolic of becoming and "inner athlete." Running is a hobby. Being an inner athlete is existential. And so I am free to choose from various endurance options. Endurance, no matter how it is achieved, is still a result of my inner being. In love with the energy, I allow it to express somehow.

During my vacation last week, I felt that spiritual pursuit is not a hobby, not a game, not an option. That other people have no spiritual connection does not mean I have to quit because mine seems so feeble even with the effort I put into it. Quitting God is not an option for me.

The Crucible

My private gym is the place of intense fire. There is a treadmill, Nordic Track and Versa Climber in the first picture. There is an elliptical and ex-bike in the second. Also shown is a step platform. Not shown is the mini-trampoline, the TRX or the free weights.

This morning, I had another miracle run: 16.9 miles of sweat in Texas. Now, several hours later, I can tell my left heel is not in serious trouble. I wore my new Badwater hat. I'm not ever going to race Badwater; but I can adopt the courage of someone who is. So the hat inspires me. While I was running this morning, I saw a fat girl out walking. The word Courage was on the back of her shirt. I teared up. I embody courage in my own way. Here are the simple things a long distance runner has: Badwater hat, Nathan hydro-pak, Garmin and shoes:

After my run, I enjoyed the feeling of a sore body. I can't explain why I like this but I do. I spent every day off work achieving it.

2 weeks to Ultra Monk's Colorado ultra training camp. Soon, I'll decide about Merrill's Mile. tomorrow the 3,100 Self Transcendence Race begins. I want to do endurance for my own reasons. Not Scott Jurek's or any other person's.

My spiritual thoughts continued to center on total willingness to be one with God. Enlightenment is expressed by a Course in Miracles as: God's Will (enlightenment) is an experience of total willingness. It is blocked by wishes for other experience. Now some people totally surrender in moments of despair or near death. Most others, like me, live lives of growing joy in the knowledge that we are light.

Making Connections

A student of A Course in Miracles reads about how he is not really separate from others. There is only one mind, one Son of God; not separate bodies who don't know God and can't stand each other either.

Some of these teachings seem completely impossible. How could I ever see my brother as myself? How could I ever see that it was my own projection which made the delusion/illusion in front of my eyes?

I sort of have an inkling of the oneness. It might be too complicated to write; and the excitement of the moment is hard to capture in words.

Two fronts: a book I am reading by Scott Jurek, "Eat and Run", vs my struggles to let go of those I've been secretly jealous of.

See, I'm secretly jealous of real ultra runners who seem to accomplish what I've failed at. But also, the sisters in the monastery who claim to be more holy due to their monastic profession. Also those people who our society deems successful: the rich, the doctors, the warriors, athletes in general, successful managers, mothers, etc.

So, I'm reading Scott's book. Over and over I find myself in tears as I read his moments of triumph. I think of myself with my sore heel. I think of Scott floating through beautiful forests, running forever without physical debilitation. I'm a 53 year old professional woman ultra-runner-want-to-be living in the devastatingly hot and flat, totally urban Houston. Scott is a strong young man with access to hills.

I stop my reading and listen to that inner Voice: Scott and I are one. See, the inner force which pulls him also pulls me. Scott's story is part of my projection. I suddenly realize that not all my projections are fat diabetics or sexual predators. Some of them are Scotts and some are Sisters. These are not separate people. We are one. I don't need to be jealous.

I am able to be touched by Scott's story because the same force which is in him is in me. We are not separate. The physical body is the illusion. The inner force is the reality; and that we share. We are not separate. The illusion does not exist. The inner force does.

The 3,100 miles Self Transcendence race begins this weekend. I love to read daily reports about runners going around a 0.5 mile block in NYC for 52 days. I love thinking about my own little loops that I run. I love thinking about my Colorado running vacation in 2 weeks.

This morning, I went running at 4:30 am. It was 81F and very humid. That is as good as Texas will get for 3 months. I was grateful for that run. I keep hoping I can get out of bed this weekend and do a long run. But even so, as I worked out yesterday in my home gym, I could feel the force of endless endurance. In the limitlessness is Eternal Silence and I appreciate its presence.

Travel Day - 3 Days as the Fair

I am in Houston Hobby airport. I got here early because there are usually long lines to check bags and get thru security. So I have been walking around the Southwest terminal. It is 900 steps per lap. I know this because I have a pedometer issued by my work place. The goal is 10,000 steps per day.

I am up to 5,153 today.

But wait, I am starting a 24 hour race tomorrow. I shouldn't be walking at all! I'll get to walk alot, without the heavy computer on my back, starting tomorrow at 9 am.

Ultras hurt. I admire those who ignore the pain. I know I give up at some point. Given the current situation with my body, I don't know how long that will take. No matter how slow, I hope to stay on course.

I am staring at a black hole. I don't know what will happen. I signed up for this race almost because I have to work nearby the following week. So the trip is free. The race will be an exercise in letting go, but moving forward. I seek endlessness. I will play with my thoughts; watching and dismissing.

Ultra-ACIM - 3 Days at the Fair Preperation

I am thinking about practicing hard core "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM) for my upcoming 24 hour endurance run.

Usually, during races, I come up with some phrase which is filled with light and love and peace. This time, I am thinking I will use lessons 9, 10 and 11 during the race. The purpose of these is not to cater to a romantic ego, but instead point out its delusional thought system.

"I see nothing as it is now.
My thoughts do not mean anything.
My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world."

For non-ACIM students, here is the punch line of lesson 9. "...It is difficult for the untrained mind to believe that what it seems to picture is not there. This idea can be quite disturbing, and may meet with active resistance in any number of forms. Yet that does not preclude applying it. No more than that is required for these or any other exercises. Each small step will clear a little of the darkness away, and understanding will finally come to lighten every corner of the mind that has been cleared of the debris that darkens it...."

The reason I think these phrases will help me with my endurance run is because: they are true. But also, if I remember "each small step will clear a little of the darkness", then I'll be a winner. To make meaning out of a worldly delusion is purely an ego exercise. I dare to let it go, to walk 75 miles without swag.

My last load of laundry is done. The trash is taken out. I'll now go upstairs and count out the undies and socks.

Growing a Year

I have a persistent notion that if I could just go far enough or long enough or quietly enough, I could find God consciousness.

And so every month and year, I build this chart. The blue is the hours of workout. The red is miles. I have internal measurements which I strive for.

One reason I don't taper for races (and consequently hardly ever "race") is that the taper reduces the hours and miles. I'd rather have 80 hours and 250 miles a month  than a fast race time.

Day by day, slowly but surely, each month is formed, grown and then past. Another month starts.

This exercise is actually pointless. It is just something I like to do. Like endurance runs, who cares but me.

I do not understand life at all. I've sought for spiritual depth. When I was young, I tried to find a husband. I spent most of my career saying I don't want to live in Houston. But I really like it here. This week, I spent some time on top of one of our units. I could see miles and miles of chemical plants. I love this sight.

This morning, I wanted to give my feet a break from running on concrete. So I did my workout indoors on my ex-machines. I had a great time. I had ear plugs in my ears and I turned my thoughts to A Course in Miracles. I could shut my eyes some of the time. The Versa Climber is especially a great machine for working the body endlessly.

I don't have to find God consciousness. It is quietly there all the time. I just remember it.

The Endless Path

If I had stayed in the convent, I'd be spending the weekend sitting in this room with these elderly nuns:

I pretty much hate sitting around rooms going through namby pamby discernment exercises. It is not like manufacturing groups don't also have meetings and set goals. Its just that things move along quicker. We don't have to ask who we are.

I am gathering my things and packing my bags. I have an ultra-marathon on tap this weekend. I'll be here, doing this and looking pretty much like this:

This is a picture from 3 years ago; the last time I was in this race.

Instead of being a nun with no possessions. I am an engineer with a six figure salary, a car, a home and everything else. My own treadmill, elliptical, nordic track, ex-bike and weight set. I have a stock of 4 new pairs of running shoes in the closet.

Instead of practicing Roman Catholicism and sitting in Adoration before the holy eucharist, I practice A Course in Miracles and sit before the inner altar where Christ is. And long distance running is my prayer. Endurance is my meditation. The endless trail is my contemplation.

How long can I go? What will it feel like?

When I left the convent, I didn't give up Christ, or silence or contemplation. But a part of me can't forget them. If you asked me if I am better off where I am now, I'd answer yes. But I still look back. I still look back.

And then I look forward. I look forward. The path is long. The path is my conversation with God. I am spirit, talking through Spirit in communication with Source.

Ultra Insanity

Incredible. Unbelievable. I'm sure I am crazy; for running at least.

So, I have wanted to enter another timed endurance run. I can't completely explain why. Being on your feet for 24 hours does hurt. But, well, sometimes you just should.

I am going to a 50k endurance run in Missouri this weekend. I signed up for that because I wanted to see what shape I was in and to remember what it feels like. Then I planned to train all summer for a 12 hour endurance run in September.

But, I found out yesterday that I am scheduled to go to one of our plant sites in Massachusetts in May. Then I remembered that there was an endurance run nearby which I had figured that I didn't want to do since I am short on vacation and I am going to Canada at the end of May.

But, my boss said I could fly on a Friday and of course my air fare is on the company. So, why not go to an endurance run. It is not like I wouldn't spend all weekend running anyway. It is my only chance for a 24 hour run this year. My foot is a bit sore, but undergoing good treatment. But if my only goal is to remain on my feet for 24 hours, why not?

So, I'm now all booked to go to "3 Days at the Fair" although, I'm only in the 24 hour race.

It is my chance to feel the community of one of these endurance runs. It is my chance at extended running meditation for this year. I love the thought: Just go around the loop, thru night and day. Peaceful. Connected to the others. Miles piling up.

Here are some pictures:


The 3 Agreements

Many of my peers (new age yuppies, tail end of the baby boom) have read "The Four Agreements." These seemed like wisdom when I read them.

Recently, my spiritual journey with Jesus and A Course in Miracles, has lead me to understand that there are 3 agreements which I can break. They are the secret vows that everyone of us makes with the separation concept.

I have broken my agreements with: fear, hatred and guilt. I no longer believe these are true and I am no longer totally vulnerable to them. I don't believe the ego's lies without question. I think I must have accepted Atonement somewhere along the line. I am/have forgiven myself. So I do not have to go along with any agreement to hate anybody, be afraid of others or feel guilty for my dream.

In this, the pain disappears and the Son of God is free. I walk with the living Christ instead.

Today I am on Lesson 287: You are my goal my Father, only You.

Who would have thought when I got kicked out of a monastery that I'd go on to a greater Communion?

I am getting ready for a 50k race next weekend. So, I'm going a bit easy on myself so I'll be ready. I'm feeling competitive. At the same time, the 10 day Self Transcendence Race is underway in Flushing Meadows, NY. I also truly year for endless time on the trail. My body cannot do 50 miles a day for days in a row, so the Self Transcendence race is out of the question.

But I still go for hours as suits me. Even walking uphill on the treadmill fills my need for endurance. Endurance activities are merely a dream of eternity, where I truly am. Accepting Atonement, the dream is undone and I live in eternity.

Post Traumatic Knee Disorder

lol!

In November, in a fluke walking incident, I strained my ACL. I didn't know what was wrong, and running wasn't affected too much. I didn't know if it was something that would heal on its own. But finally in January, I decided to see a sports med doctor. The guy didn't know alot, but I did get an MRI. Then this sports med doctor said I had a mild ACL strain. But go see a knee orthopedist.

Yesterday, that finally happened. The ACL is healed. There is another problem with my knee cap, which is damage from when I was growing up. Nothing to do about it now except stay off stairs as much as possible and don't do anything like squats or lunges or wall sits; or ride a bicycle with the seat down too far. The ortho doc asked if I was a runner, then didn't bother to tell me to stop running. He knew I couldn't do that.

Well, if I'm to have this problem, it is a good thing I now live in Texas where there are absolutely no hills to run on.

So, as an endurance athlete, I continue with my life of working out. Today, I jog/walked for 4 hours. This is the longest time I've done in a month. As I lay on my bed this afternoon, I was contemplating my afternoon workout and my run tomorrow. It is impossible: my legs are a bit sore, my left heel is screaming as usual and I am planning more.

What is wrong with my brain? Why do I do this? Why do I sign up for 12 hour races when I know full well that my legs will be painfully tired from it?

After much contemplation, I can't say it is for glory as it used to be. It is not for a spiritual reward as it used to be. It could be for the experience of camaraderie I feel in such lap type endurance runs. It could be just to be. It could be for nothing. It could be a retreat into peace.

Post ACL, I feel more tentative; even as I watch the force of my will inexorably drive me forward.

Summing Up Religious Experience

I am finishing the book "Varieties of Religious Experience" by William James. If you have not heard of it, maybe that's cause it was written more than a century ago. I have enjoyed it as it is a great analysis of individual spiritual experience vs institutional religion from a scientific methodology. The book is woven through with ideas from "A Course in Miracles," which was not written until 70 years later. The book clearly shows the foundation of Bill Wilson's spiritual theories (Alcoholics Anonymous). The book quotes almost no scripture and does not at all approach the subject of Jesus and his divinity.

Religion or spirituality is about me and who God is to me. Even the societal pressures to conform to the predominate religion has an affect on me personal relationship to God. The conclusion for me: I have sought God for decades. I believe some higher power has been active in my life. I have no proof of the existence of said God. My life is more meaningful if framed in the divine relationship and divine presence.

For some religious people, church is following a commandment of the deity. "Do this in remembrance of me." If they don't do it, they are guilty.

For some born-again Christians, God is an emotional satisfaction built on an effective emotional experience.

For atheists, no-God is true because there is no evidence of God; and most if not all God-experiences can be traced to physical properties.

I can't say my spiritual study is emotionally satisfying. I can't say I follow commandments from God because of fear of guilt and damnation. I'm one of the ones broken free of the Bible's false grip of authenticity. I can't say I have any proof of God's or Spirit's existence.

All I have is a mental tenacity that wants to connect to Spirit and receive help from Spirit. In this condition, any sense of presence fails me. However, I truly find comfort in reciting my spiritual creed. My God is a solid rock upon which I stand. I've never gone down too far nor up too far.

My life is not my own. That is one of the most soothing statements ever.

I create my running out of freedom, not ill health or some doctor's advice. So my purpose in it is divorced from the reason why most people take up exercise. For me however, the pursuit of infinite endurance has been a lifelong interest. My running is a constant in my life, a steady state. The energy of endurance and the energy of prayer are one and the same, intertwined as if making love.

I return to what I said above: my spirituality is about me. If I get the promotion at work, its because I let some higher power work out the details and give me intuitive thoughts if I need to know something. I am yet a tangle of negative attitudes and thoughts. This tangle is my unhappiness with life. Supposed spiritual practice has loosened the grip of negativity and allowed for success in peaceful living. I still wander aimless on the earth. I have no final goal unless you call some spiritual mountain top my goal. What I need is spiritual help and I do believe I get it. I admit my belief is a delusion; perhaps even a dishonest and corrupt soul sickness. Part of the reason I seek solitude is to sort through this soul sickness.

And so starts my Sunday workout: 4 to 5 hours of endurance.

Paradigm Shift - Mulling Over Endurance

The normal way of doing things is to decide on some achievement for a goal. Train for the goal and then go in an event to prove you did it. Tell every body and have them congratulate you on your accomplishment. Most people then shift their exercise routine depending on what the next goal is.

It feels so revolutionary for me to say, "I'm going to do an endurance event because I want to without proving it to anybody." It goes against the grain of society to be an ultra-runner but never enter an ultra. "Who cares?," is the reply.

For me, the interesting point is that the shift in purpose, which produces a lack of worldly result, is an emotional challenge to live with. How many of us are able to sit quietly with huge accomplishments and get no credit for them? A thing becomes not-of-this-world if it has no publication. Yet, the thought that produced the hidden thing and brought it into secret existence is real and affects everything.

What kind of world would it be if we took credit for nothing and expected no reward or recognition? There are people who live like this. I hypothesize that their impact on creation is dramatic, if unknown.

It takes superhuman strength of character and intention to be an achiever who no one knows about. You have to not care about the money or the recognition. Yet we are trained to use recognition and money as our motivations.

I want to plan an endurance event. Since it is my event, I have to decide "what for?" and decide the parameters. It is something I will practice on Saturdays and Sundays; while wondering if I can pull off many more days during Thanksgiving.

I do not want an extreme of intensity such that I have to rest for more than a day. I know that if I run more than about 6 hours of 9x1s at 12.1 min/mile, I'll have to rest my legs the next day. So if I want my endurance event to be more than 6 hours and more than one day, I'll have to lower the speeds and/or include cross training. Since I do my own grocery shopping and food prep, there is a limitation on how much I can do.

If I did an IronMan, I'd be a slow one; guessing 20 hours. 50 miles takes me 12 hours on an easy course. Here are some more endurance examples. The 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence race female averaged 50 miles a day, but about 3 miles per hour for 2,760 miles and 52 days. Some people run several 100 mile races a year. Japanese monks (very few) complete 1,000 days of walking meditation, a marathon a day plus prayers and chores.

I'm mainly involved in a mental game here. I should say that there is not a hope of divine revelation thrown into this event. It is an exercise in endurance without exterior motivation. In fact, I suppose it is purely a way to exert myself for no reward. Why? Just to answer an interior call to contemplation. If I have not the perseverance and determination to complete endurance without a goad or a reward, then I cannot expect to persevere at prayer either. I guess that is the bottom line of my endurance demonstration.

I'm not sure where I am going with this so I am sure more commentary will follow.

Solitary Endurance

“Their joy is in the innocence they see.” (25.IV) This morning, I needed the Holy Spirit to give me a perspective on joy that was totally different than what I could think of by myself. From there, I was able to go running with the idea of peace: “Those who offer peace to everyone have found a home in Heaven the world cannot destroy. For it is large enough to hold the world within its peace… In you there is a vision that extends to all of them, and covers them in gentleness and light.” I went out into the park filled with peace (and this is how I celebrated 9/11, with a silent peace in my head).

What is the joy in the life of a solitary? I have never been able to accept that joy was really the temporary feeling of achievement in the world, or any of the entertainments people take part in. This morning, as I was not-going-in-a-race, I wondered about myself. Why do I run? What are the depths of my running? It is hard to notice the depths of my being while I am paying attention to others; even if I am having fun serving, the silence of God gets lost. Listening to the silence, immersing my consciousness in quiet, and stilling my ego, are what fill me with peace and strengthen me.

When I am unhappy, it is because I have denied my ego some worldly accomplishment. Maybe the practice of denying the ego comes from my monastic years; it is not part of A Course in Miracles (exactly). But what seems joyful to most people seems like ego feeding to me; and I deny myself those worldly pleasures. I don’t think of worldly pleasures as sin, but as distractions from God because they let the ego’s noise supersede God’s quiet.

I have been a runner over 30 years. I ran in a skirt while I was a nun. Yes, I’ve been in many races; but logged 999 times more hours just running. When I heard about what happened to people at the extremes of endurance, I heard about a state of mind I wanted. So I entered ultra-marathons. But I know, I’ve been working at endurance as my pathway to my soul since I was 14 years old. So I now am learning to run the hours alone, without the venue of a race and its associated ego traps.

This morning I ran 10.8 miles on the flat path and 9 miles on the trail. I ran for 4h17 min.

I did get the feeling about endurance which I love. To me it is a feeling of eternity, like my mind opens up or expands for a moment. During these moments, I also get the feeling I touched some greater depth inside. This feeling is my lure for long distance. I think it is why people run 100 miles or 3,100 miles or whatever. We want to touch our deepest inner being and stay touched; but our bodies aren't really up to it and we have to stop.