Renaissance Appreciation

This morning, I ran 14 miles on a groomed trail in a nature sanctuary. I spent 3 hours, and it was a bit hot. I so appreciated the time, the activity and the environment.

I feel amazing about myself and about life. I am running really good, much improved over the past 8 years in Houston. I attribute this to a cooler environment, more hills and because I work at a manual job and on my feet for 24 hours a week. 60 year olds can improve their fitness.

It was a weekend of watching cross fit athletes sort out who is the fittest man/woman on earth. It has been 52 days of watching the 3,100 mile race. And here I am, running in a forest and just feeling so super pumped about it. Yesterday, I ran on my treadmill in the afternoon and I felt super pumped about that too. I was able to crank up the speed and add some incline and run run run.

My brain is better since leaving my career 11 months ago. Thanks to Starbucks, I have had to learn a whole new language. All those new synapses are a good mental workout for an entrenched brain. All the lifting and bending and walking back and forth help me too.

It is the eve of my 34th sobriety birthday. How grateful I am for my sober adult life. So much good stuff. Mostly, spiritual stuff. I have had an adult life of conscious contact with my inner being. I so appreciate that.

I am financially stable after 11 months away from my big paying career. Everything is is growing.

10 Years Ago

It was 10 years ago today, July 29, 2007, that I first started reading A Course in Miracles. I am still reading, though this year it is the new Annotated Edition published in February.

It is day 42 of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence race. I've been following the race every day on the Perfection Journey blog and via the web cam. This year I notice that I have interest in only one of the racers: a 58 year old woman who walks her 60+ miles each day.

In my own life, what about self transcendence? In some way, my inner silence is the evidence. At the moment, my ego is stymied so I am pretty calm. There are lots of people changes at work. That could be evidence of inner changes. I have been without potato chips since the start of the 3,100 mile race (42 days ago). More evidence. This month I will have the biggest mileage and largest number of workout hours in 2 years. Evidence of shifting. I have continued to work on my writing project. Evidence of a future.

This morning, I ran 10 miles in the Seabrook heat at a 5 mph pace. That felt good. I don't have any problems left over from last week's marathons (except for blister healing). I came away from the 2 marathons with a feeling of well being and accomplishment. It was a good thing for me to do. I can hardly wait for my quad; which will be in September.

This bit of scripture has been on my mind. It is from 1 Corinthians 13.4-7. It is the only definition of "Love" I really understand; and wish I could be like; especially that bit about enduring whatever comes.

"Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, 5.it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances. 6.Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. 7.It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." 

Eve of Self Transcendence

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race.  I got hooked on this race years ago because it taught me how running could be a meditation. Learning about the inner runner was the start of my desire to be an ultra-marathoner. Now, I use the 52 days of the race to focus my workouts on inner running; self transcendence as it were. Catholics has Lent. I have Self Transcendence.

Heading into these 52 days, I find myself in a very decent place physically and emotionally.

Check out the Perfection Journey blog to get daily stories about the people in the race.

Here is a quote from Sri Chinmoy:
The outer running
Begins on the road
And ends on the road.
The inner running begins
Inside the silence-heart,
And it continues
Along Eternity’s Road.

Can't Afford It

Yesterday evening I was thinking about dopamine. I was reading an article about how cell phone apps are programmed to trigger certain brain responses and encourage fixation on checking the phone. This linked up in my mind to our nation's, and my own, obsession with Trump entertainment. That is, the media are marketing moral outrage and something in our brain loves it.

I think it is my negative ego which loves all the controversy. I get some sort of dopamine pleasure by reading about the battles in politics with Trump. But I don't think I can afford to carry on this chemical pleasure; and it surely is a type of porn and addiction.

So today I drove to work in silence. My beloved NPR has been shut off. I thought about what I wanted to think about. Some of my thoughts are work related. But also I thought about what my spiritual work has produced in me. One of the themes of my spiritual work is "conscious contact with a power greater than myself." One of the requirements of conscious contact with a higher power is consciousness itself. That is, I must accept consciousness in totality. As soon as I am conscious, then I am aware of my dirty little secrets, like taking pleasure from the Trump bashing. And so I must do something about myself.

I have the spiritual tools. More about what I will do will be coming forth. Starting Sunday is the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race (google it). Annually I use these days for my own self transcendence. Some people have Lent. I have self transcendence.

By the way, the last time I shut off the news for years was when Clinton was president and I decided not to listen to any testimony about Monica Lewinsky.

I am a member of the silent majority. I go to work and pay taxes. No matter who is in Washigton, they want my money.

Self Transcendence 52/52

I deeply honor all the runners in the 3,100 Self Transcendence race. Today Kaneenika finished. She is the last finisher, though 5 more runners will stay on the course until midnight tonight. The video of Kaneenika bring tears to my eyes. Think, I sometimes cry for myself after a marathon. Think of the emotion after 3,100 miles and 51+ days.

Perhaps these emotions are why I run marathons. The human spirit comes forward into the conscious realm.

Today at work, a little spat with my snarky boss. But the guy in the shop was incredibly nice to me, going over board to help me.

I need to remember my human spirit.

Self Transcendence 50/52

Only 12 people start the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence race. This year, 2 didn't finish the number of days, 5 will finish the 3,100 miles, the rest are doing as many miles as possible. The rest of the people in world didn't start. Or did something else. It takes me a year to do 3,100 miles.

Today, I went outside for 3 1/2 hours, only 2 of which were jogging. Then it was too hot for me so I walked until I ran out of drink. Then I walked home and decided to finish today's workout on the treadmill. At least some jogging occurs on the treadmill. In total, I got 19.4 miles in 5 hours.

While I was outside, I thought of my favorite 3,100 mile runner. It was astonishing yesterday to see a video of the start for that day. She was limping badly. This was on top of the daily blog where there has been a picture of her getting out of a van. You can tell it is a difficult task. Yet, she still does more than 50 miles each day. It is a thing of contemplation, her body-mind relationship. In the middle of it, is her spiritual teacher.

And I gave some thought to pictures of the US men's gymnastics team without their shirts. Wow!

Also, I was doing my own metaphysical work. This means, watching my thoughts. When they get stuck on some resentment towards another person or society, I need to move that energy out. Change the thought. My Course in Miracles lesson today was "My home awaits me. I will hasten there." And to lift your head and notice Silent Consciousness which exists in the trees. Become aware of Something Higher and don't let my mind stay in resentment.

When I got on my treadmill, I was looking at cue cards I have. Over time, I have written meaning full sentences from ACIM Text on the cards; so I can be reminded while I am on my treadmill. Things like the ego's goals, specialness, Love, Oneness, The Holy Spirit.

But I didn't take my body to excruciating pain like those ultra runners. I will go for a walk later since I have a vacation day tomorrow.

Only 2 more days to my self transcendence retreat. I will miss checking on the runners and the focus on my own self transcendence. I will also note that this important annual celebration of my personal history is gone for another year. There will be more miles and more marathons. I have a spiritual dream that I need to keep alive.

Self Transcendence 48/52

Only a few days left in the 3,100 Self Transcendence Race. 4 people have finished the distance. 1 more will finish the distance on the last day. 5 others are doing amazing miles. They are inspiring me. When I was running this morning, all I could think about was doing more miles. And so, well, ok, just do them. No need to enter a race. I almost entered a 6 day race. But the $666 entry fee caused me to balk; especially considering the air fare and hotel and car.

Instead, maybe I'll just do a private multi-day. I'll keep you posted.

This is a special time of year; and I am taking a 3 day weekend to ponder it. 31 years ago, I got sober. Sobriety is much more than not drinking. In a 12 step approach, I've been granted conscious contact with a power greater than myself. It is this, the walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe, which is fantastic. Yes, being a drunk would have been a horrible life. But just not drinking would be a horrible life too.

Also, 13 years ago I got kicked out of the convent. That was an amazing thing how that all worked out.

Also, 9 years ago, I became a Course in Miracles student. A Course in Miracles has given me so much spirituality.

Self Transcendence 47/52

Two guys finished the race today. Very amazing. There was actually a neck and neck (sort of) race for first.

The other runners will finish in the coming days. Even those who do not complete 3,100 miles still have amazing piles of miles.

I have a story. I think it is a self transcendence story because it suggests a non-ego state of mind. It suggests a state of mind in cooperation with the Spirit of the Universe.

More than about 10 days ago, a piece of debris on the freeway got tiddly-winked up by another car and it smacked my front bumper. When I got home, I saw that the bumper was cracked and one of the lower lights was broken. I didn't know what to do. None of the near by body shops is a clean place where I wanted to take my car. But I did go over to one of them just to see what they said.

Driving home (3 blocks), I decided to let go and let the universe guide me. Stop trying to control.

Coming home, I checked my car insurance and decided that the repair would be enough to justify a claim. So I called the insurance company just to see how a claim works. I've never filed one before. The outstanding feature was that they give me a choice of two approved body shops and my policy has rental car on it. Just knowing a good body shop was worth the call. In elegant fashion, I had, within a couple of days, dropped off my car. I never gave it much more thought. Almost forgot about it.

A few days later, I asked the shop when my car would be done. They mentioned that the bumper came in damaged and they had to order another and so my car would be a day or two late. Getting off the phone, parts of A Course in Miracles came into my mind. I thought, "I am not a victim of the world I see." This thought is a metaphysical truth. My thoughts have an impact on my perception and what I think I see, my reality. I also remembered that I had decided to let The Universe take care of this situation.

So that day, I didn't get all pissed off at the body shop. I just went on with life. Then I called the body shop on the original day my car was supposed to be done, a day or 2 earlier than the new promised date, and they said my car would be ready that day at 3 pm. Wow! No need to waste my energy on being pissed off. The Universe has taken care of this situation. It is an example of how we can walk hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. And change the world.

One last thing about the winner of the 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. Yesterday, he gave an interview. He said, "The world has let me go.  Everything that was binding me has left.  Right now I am just a soul bird.  For a bird there are no limitations, no boundaries.  But I have a body and I do all I can and this turns out to be 70 miles a day....I am not doing this for the records.  I am doing this to bring happiness to my soul.  To bring happiness to God and to be able to approach him faster.  This is why my speed has increased.”

Is that not beautiful? It matches very well with my Course in Miracles workbook lesson today: "God is my life. I have no life but His."

Every thought of God makes me happy.

Self Transcendence 36/52

Several of the runners in the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race are having trouble. Some who have finished it several times before are struggling. Yet they keep going; even knowing that on day 52, midnight, they won't be at 3,100 miles. It seems sad. Why don't they quit?

Because it is the inner miles and not the outer miles that matter. The actual number of material world miles, 3,100, does not judge the number of inner miles. Any one of us can cross a universe instantly.

I myself have always compared my state of enlightenment to what gurus write in their books. I wonder why I haven't had a bright light experience. (Well, I haven't taken LSD for one thing.) But when I look at my inner miles, I see I am OK.

I had an unusual week. Monday I had to fast all day and then drink some poison to clean out my colon. Tuesday I had a colonoscopy. Wednesday I met my energy healer in the energy plane and on the phone. Thursday my car got whapped by a chunk of metal on the freeway and I filed an insurance claim. Friday was pretty normal: I worked from home. While at home, I tried out my new pressure cooker. A pressure cooker is a decent analogy for cooking spiritual growth. That is, creating an environment where spiritual ideas can be cooked quickly rather than taking a lifetime to figure them out.

Today, I decided to give up heat related ailments and do my running inside on the treadmill. So also, I slept in very late. And I have time now to write this blog.

I am finishing a book by Paul Brunton. I have read 18 of his books in the past 8 or so years. He is a philosopher of both east and west. He best explains the nature of reality as thought and oneness. I am a person who thinks alot. I may look like I am training for a race, but actually, I am thinking about things. I am integrating my life experiences with what I know of truth. Rightly motivated exercise can be a pressure cooker for spiritual ideas, Thought. So can illness or calamity, but I prefer the consciously generated environment.

Only 16 more days of Self Transcendence retreat.

Self Transcendence 21/52

Three weeks into this retreat. I can't say that some big burden like fasting is added to my life during this time. Mostly I look at the race statistics and videos and blogs; then think about what does self transcendence mean to me today.

What race? This one: 3100 Mile race

I had alot of excitement during the last 21 days what with a big work event, then going to a triple marathon last weekend. This weekend, I am quietly at home. I got up at 4:30 this morning and got in almost 10 miles of jogging before hanging it up. Already the real feel was 102F.

Right now, I am leaving space for God in my life; for somehow making a spiritual connection. I need a vital spiritual experience. But I also need a nap.

At least I did the weed eating already and groceries have been bought.

Peace permeates my soul. It turns out that spirituality is not some huge emotional trip. It is silence. It is miles. I got no answers to anything. Let the balls fall down.

Self Transcendence 9/52

Check page 1/52 to learn what I am doing for 52 days.

While you are there, note my mention of Germans coming to town and 4 presentations. Well, on that day, in my journal, I wrote about how I wanted to be recognized for what I do in the world. I wanted the recognition to be that I got invited to the meetings in Germany.

Today I learned: my presence in Germany has been demanded.

I am grateful to The Universe, or Universal Guru, or whatever you call it. Or just that I knew what my Higher Consciousness wanted and I went along with it. Now, I have to let go of one other thing. Maybe the conference in Germany is during the time that I have already scheduled a vacation. I'll need to let Universal Consciousness handle that problem.

Today is day 9/52. I exercised this morning with the idea that all is love; and I don't have to be afraid to release my love. My love is caged due to an unfortunate childhood. But now that I am conscious, I can let it go. Fear is the self that needs to be transcended. Don't accept it at all. Be yourself fully.

Self Transcendence 8/52

I have thought about self transcendence alot today, but there weren't any massive revelations.

It is Houston summer; the temp where I live never goes below 80F and it is very humid. I try to stay near trees; but even so, the heat index goes above 100F and I can only walk. Today was such a day. I got started at 6:35am in a small park doing 0.37 mile laps. I seemed to be very slow and by about 9, I had to walk only. I stuck it out for 4 hours, when my water ran out.

During the afternoon, I managed to work on a paper I need to write. I am scheduled to give a talk in October, but I need to write the paper to go with the talk. I had to first remember it at all, then force myself to re-direct my thinking and try to do even the smallest little work on it. I wonder if I pretended I was giving a TED Talk if I'd feel more energy. I'll try that.

Then this evening, even though I was tired from the morning heat, I did 45 minutes of cross training machines and 21 minutes of free weights. I was listening to Freak-onomics radio. The phrase "life organizing principle" came up. That caused me to stop and think. First, I keep wanting some spiritual breakthru which affirms consciousness of my higher self. Second, I've been a life long athlete and plan to continue. Third, I work for financial security.

It is turning out that my 52 day Self Transcendence retreat is different from the rest of the year in its focus on transcendence; as in what am I transcending?

I had vegetables for dinner.

Self Transcendence 6/52

It is hard to write your blog several hours after you had the inspiring thoughts. But I needed to get outside before it got too hot or no miles would have been done.

As I began my morning meditation today, I thought of how I like to take a little extra time on the weekends to snooze a little longer and do spiritual reading a little longer. Then I thought of the 3,100 mile runners. They do not get to do any slacking until they are done with the race (52 day cut off). The volunteers don't get to rest either.

Self Transcendence waits for no one.

I had a fruitful week being of service to others. Lets no digress. Spirituality does not wait. Do the work today. I never mention spirituality to anyone at work. They hear about running because they ask; and it seems a safe subject to mention. I don't mention the spirituality of running. But they always say something like, "You are so disciplined." I claim not, since I like my exercise. But as I watch the 3,100 mile self transcendence runners, I realize, yes, they are disciplined.

Self Transcendence - 1/52

Today is the first day of the 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. Here

I have been following this race for many years. I love the idea and I love the daily blog about the athletes. This year, I began looking at the web pages several days ago with anticipation of who was coming and various other bits of information. I mean, I'm excited about it. I can't wait for the daily reports by Uptal at "Perfection Journey" blog. Here

This morning, I remembered the race while I was doing my morning spiritual reading. I made a decision. I am going to celebrate 52 days of the race with my own focused situation. Each day when I journal, I will find a point of self transcendence within myself, my inner runner. I might not have time for blogging every day, but I will journal.

Today I asked myself, "What self is it that I am trying to transcend?" Immediately came the answer: the punishing self. My inner punishing self came about first from my parents but then from society; a continuous dis-sing of females in general, smart females in particular. And the hierarchies of society and corporations which make some people "better" than others.

In transcending the punishing self, I get to be the wonderful divine self that I was born as. We are all wonderful divine selves, but few of us really know it. I am going to make progress in consciously being my wonderful diving self as a focused project for 52 days.

Some people do Ramadan. Some people do Lent. I do Self Transcendence.

I should get plenty of practice this week. The Germans will be in town. I work for a German company and us Americans know full well that The Germans think they are better. Since I am making 4 presentations for an international group, I'll get plenty of exposure and emotional feelings about myself.

Today I was able to do 4 hours of jog walk in the Gulf Coast heat and humidity. I'm pretty happy about that.

Death by Sweat

This evening was yet one more installment of Death by Sweat jogging. Runners in Houston know that no matter what time of day you jog, it will be hot and humid. Yet, we do it anyway. It may feel like 100F out there but none of us are dying. We are just jogging along.

The 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race may be over for this year, but my miles continue. In the 5 weekdays this week, I piled up 39 miles and 10.5 hours of workout. I don't know what I'll get done on Saturday and Sunday.

I prefer to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts were about my professional life. I continue to face my general attitude that most 50 something professionals face: we are so done with corporate competitions. We are realizing that just going to work and doing a fantastic job is good for integrity but not so good for promotion. But, we are done competing. Despite my inner ego driven need to beat the others, some other part of my only seeks performance for the sake of character.

I also was pondering the fact that I live in Texas. Really? Really! Texas. (wtf) Texas. God!

Today is my sobriety anniversary. 29 years. I've not given it a great deal of thought this year. But I have lived a sober adult life, except for a few brief effed-up years in my early twenties. What this really means is I have been working the 12 steps and seeking to improve my conscious contact with a power greater than myself, an unsuspected inner resource.

Running and peace

I have loved the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race this year for a unique thing this year. In this picture are the finishers so far. The Australian woman (blue shorts) just finished. The other finishers are a mix of Russian and Ukrainian people. Look, we don't have to fight.

Also in the race are a Scott, an American and an Austrian.

Running brings us together.

Winding Down

I am a big fan of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race 3100 Mile Race. It takes place over 52 days. Today is day 47. 4 people have finished.

I love to check every day to see how many miles people ran and read the inspiration in the blog. I send my mind off into mental running and run forever. This year, I had some days off in July, so I got to do actual miles myself. I went way farther in July than any month ever in my life.

But the race is winding down. 4 more people to finish in the next few days. I won't have that inspiration when the race is over.

I am a person who is continuously thinking about my life and what it is for. I keep trying to eliminate busyness so I can ponder my depths. I can't say I ever find anything. But also, I keep turning outward into the world and being busy with stuff out there. My ego keeps trying to win at something in the world; like career advancement or signing up for races.

My ego will never know God. My ego is a spiritual materialist.

But I. Am I more than an ego? Despite my reading to the contrary, I believe I am more than a small self but a soul or higher connected being. I believe there is an unsuspected inner resource. Something more.

The thing is: I know I am making progress but my ego doesn't know.

I am more than 55 years old. I won't be leaving a legacy as I was taught 20 years ago in corporate seminars. I have a great job and where I live is nice too. But as the days pass, these things don't satisfy. My ego wants more. But there is no more.

The answer has to be inside. That is just all there is to it.

Living Gold

Plotinus Enneads 4.7.10: "Imagine living gold: it files away all that is earthy about it, all that kept it in self-ignorance preventing it from knowing itself as gold; seen now unalloyed it is at once filled with admiration of its worth and knows that it has no need of any other glory than its own, triumphant if only it be allowed to remain purely to itself."

It says something about me, my essence, that I have plowed my way through more than 400 pages of Plotinus. The writing is from 250CE or so. And I am not previously at student of Plato, so I didn't at first understand the terminology.

I bring up Plotinus today in relation to a special hate relationship I've had to pray about for the past few weekends. Students of A Course in Miracles will know about special relationships and special hate relationships. Well, there is a person in my life who I dreamed into an object of hate, attack and then guilt. So I turn to the Holy Spirit to practice ACIM forgiveness, a practice of looking beyond or looking within. The words of Plotinus were a very good help today as I kept "Imagine Living Gold" as something of a mantra while I ran.

I cannot afford the agony of a special hate relationship. I cannot afford to judge or resent anyone. Spirituality is the only tool I have for healing of my own mind. I have nothing enlightening to say about God because all my energy is taken up with healing my resentment. I pray for X. I pray for his health prosperity and happiness. I pray that everything I want for myself be given to him.

Selah! I am now free.

If I am committed to finding The One, then I need to be free of this world. Downward mobility, resisting the powers and principalities clothed in society's norms, grasping for more, insatiable competition. All these urges are in me. I try to be the opposite.

Running laps in Brummerhop park is extreme nothingness. It wears one's ego down, clears the dross and I find Living Gold.

I have had an extremely great month for miles:

The amount of hours can only increase slowly and reach a working girl max pretty soon. But I have been running more (cross train less) so the miles go up. This mileage from a person who is rebuilding a foot that had achilles surgery and 6 weeks of non-weight-bearing.

Starting at 12:00 am on Friday this week, I am starting a 7 day race. I can't tell you how eager I am to take 7 days off work and do laps in Brummerhop park. I can't tell you how I relish the Houston heat and humidity. This weekend I spent 40 miles and 8.5 hours literally dripping with sweat. It was awesome. I wore my new Nathan Vapor Shape and took sips every 5 minutes or so. I wore my Solumbra sunhat with the wide brim and neck drape.

I go around and around Brummerhop park and pray my mantra. It is a tiny park; but it is across the street from my house and it does have trees. Shade is all important in a place like Houston.

I think alot. I think about the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 mile race. I think about my own running and what races I might like to go in. I think about work and the friction I feel because I don't go along with certain group norms.  And the strange life path that lead me to Houston. WTF: Texas. Freaking Texas. I live in freaking Texas! How did that happen?

Ultra Fever

It happens every time I am not in severe pain: miles.

Since regaining use of my left foot 5 months ago, doing miles has been problematic even though continuously improving. The place where the scar ends on the bottom on my heel can be incredibly painful. And other place on the bottom back of the heel hurt for no explicable reason. But these things are getting better.

So, there is a 55 hour race over New Year's in Houston. The race rents cubes in a tent so you can stay right there onsite. I wanted a cube so I signed up for the race as soon as I noticed it was open for registration.

I have tried several times to do 100 miles in one race. But always I've been defeated: mentally. The closest I came was a Silverton in 2011 with 86 miles. If I had just sat down on that last day and ate, and not been afraid of falling on that mountain in the dark, I could've.....  At Ultracentric, it only took 54 miles to tear up my little toes, then I was shivering like crazy and food running out my bowels.....  At Aslinger, I got 80 miles in 20 hours before quitting because I knew I couldn't make 100 miles in 24 hours.

But anyway, I keep trying.

This weekend was not only miles for marathon training but miles for ultra preparation. I promised myself 10 hours of walking at any speed. Friday night I walked 7.2 miles in 2 hours. Saturday, I jog walked 5x1s for 20 miles and then walked another mile, which only took 4h53. Today I walked and jogged for 3h14min for 11.55 miles. All told 39.75 miles. Damn good.

As I was walking today, I knew there was no stopping me regardless of how bad this might be for me. Or how silly the idea of 100 miles in 55 hours is. I just must try again. I know the crew-less person has almost no chance of finishing 100 miles. I have almost no chance. But I still must try. I know people who are decades older with leg issues who slog their way along to get their 100. I am going to try again.

Between now and New Years (8 months) is a hot Houston summer. I've always been able to walk even in heat and I have a couple of small loops which are mostly trees. The 3100 mile Self Transcendence race begins in June. That always inspires me to do my laps. I'll just keep trying to add hours. I might go to San Antonio and walk a couple of marathons in a couple of days. But I will keep walking.

Done Deal

Actually, I finally realized the deal was done long ago. I just hadn't fully realized or accepted it.

Today is my 9/80 Friday off. So the first thing that happened is that I slept in. Then, I had a leisurely period of spiritual study. In fact I am in chapter 16.VII of A Course in Miracles text. Here is a little bit of what I read which possibly could be understood by a non-course student.

"Do not underestimate the intensity of the ego’s drive for vengeance on the past. It is completely savage and completely insane. For the ego remembers everything you have done that has offended it, and seeks retribution of you. The fantasies it brings to its chosen relationships in which to act out its hate are fantasies of your destruction. For the ego holds the past against you, and in your escape from the past it sees itself deprived of the vengeance it believes you so justly merit. Yet without your alliance in your own destruction, the ego could not hold you to the past. In the special relationship you are allowing your destruction to be. That this is insane is obvious. But what is less obvious is that the present is useless to you while you pursue the ego’s goal as its ally....Against the ego’s insane notion of salvation the Holy Spirit gently lays the holy instant. We said before that the Holy Spirit must teach through comparisons, and uses opposites to point to truth. The holy instant is the opposite of the ego’s fixed belief in salvation through vengeance for the past. In the holy instant it is understood that the past is gone, and with its passing the drive for vengeance has been uprooted and has disappeared. The stillness and the peace of now enfold you in perfect gentleness. Everything is gone except the truth."

I pondered "destruction" and "hate fantasies" and the "holy instant". I was able to disgorge some nasty thoughts which were quietly playing in my mind and give these to whatever spiritual power there is.

Then I read Uptal's Perfection Journey blog. http://perfectionjourney.org/  I was inspired by the stories of the runners.

Then I loaded up my water bottles and headed to Brummerhop park intending just to walk laps for awhile. Quite quickly I got to my revelation about "Done Deal." I remembered the fateful day near the Jaffa Gate in old Jerusalem. I was 22 or so. I was watching a couple of Hassidic men in fur hats and beards and ear locks walk into the Via Delarosa. I had a tiny thought, "If they are willing to dress like that, there must be something to this God thing."

I was not a meditator at the time, so it is amazing that I noticed that one little thought. Except that I instantly answered yes. In that moment, I became a God seeker and nothing has since been able to knock me off track. So, in the religious sense, it was in that moment that I became married to the God quest. I didn't really need monastic profession to validate the commitment. It is a done deal. I said I do, or I will, and that is that.

It was jogging in super hot, super humid, small and secret Brummerhop park today that I finally realized the truth of my being. Doing laps in Brummerhop park is an existential activity. It is the equal of sitting on a cushion or attending Mass. All is communion.

Nothing needs to be added to anyone to achieve holiness. It is merely a matter of saying yes and accepting conscious contact with a higher power. I said yes long ago and the practice of conscious contact has never abated.