Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee 2021

 It is that time of year. The second edition of the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee. I entered this virtual race again because we got cool belt buckles last year. This year's version is 642 miles. It began on May 1. I have already completed 102 miles.

You can see my current location on the map just above Jackson. 102 miles is 16%.

I find that since the race started, my brain has been focused on doing miles. Not that there is any hurry. A very curious thing about my brain. It thinks it is in the race, therefore, I am compelled to do more miles than normal. 

Starting Monday was a 255-mile ultra-marathon. It took place between Phoenix and Flagstaff, Arizona, on trails. For the first time ever, it was live-streamed by many volunteers on the course. I watched as much as I could. I happened to watch the winner finish in real-time, just over 72 hours. It was amazing to watch him run in to the finish, not at all looking like he just spent 3 days in the mountains doing 255 miles. The first female came in about 12 hours later. She did look like her feet hurt. I could feel her pain. However, all the finishers demonstrated an amazing thing about the human mind. The mind can somehow keep a body going and going and going. There was a live chat on Youtube. I could see that many people felt amazed as I did. Every time I logged in to watch, there were nearly 1,000 others watching. Many ultra-runners left the live stream on their computers all day while they "worked from home." And then, I went out to do my own miles. 

Speaking of the brain, I just finished another neuroscience book: "7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain" by Lisa Feldman-Barrett. Interestingly, this author thinks that the brain makes the mind, not that the mind uses the brain as a tool. Not a word about "consciousness," unless you count the word "mind" as consciousness. The implications are major if consciousness is a thing made by an organic process with no intentional guidance. 

I've read a number of neuroscience books. I can say that most of them do not propose that there is a consciousness, or soul, which is present at birth or that enters the body at some point. Experiments have not been able to detect consciousness. 

Neuroscience leaves us spiritualists hanging. There is no data, only individual reports. 7 1/2 Lessons also does not discuss the differing jobs of the left and right hemispheres. Perhaps in writing a logical book, the author did not give the right hemisphere a say; after all, the right hemisphere is non-verbal. If there is a higher consciousness, it would communicate quietly through the right hemisphere. The communication would be an intuitive thought received into the left hemisphere through the corpus callosum, which connects the two hemispheres. 

René Descartes, a philosopher who died in 1650, knew as much about consciousness as we do. We still don't know what makes a human out of an animal. We prefer to see ourselves as special in the universe, more conscious than any other animal; but we could be wrong about our specialness.

Letter 4/28/2020

A beautiful sunny day here. I ran really well in Parkville.

I wore a buff for the first time in order to have a flexible face covering option for passing people on a trail. I admit that it doesn't seem necessary, except for the occasional group of people who don't practice social distancing. I did make a good example and discovered that it is not that annoying to pull it up when you pass people. I think that if I ever go in another real race, having a mask option and a hand cleaning option will be necessary.

Speaking of races. I've entered another virtual race. Great Virtual race across Tennessee. Virtual races would seem stupid in any other year than this one. But, the races I've entered so far offer benefits I won't be able to get in a normal year. Like the Aravaipa race offered a cool belt buckle. The race across Tennessee makes sense if you follow ultra running and have heard about the Vol State race or Laz Lake. Vol State race won't be happening this year, but I couldn't do it anyway. It is too hard for me to actually run across Tennessee in the given time frame. But I'm happy to focus my running on getting the miles in over 4 months. And getting a t-shirt that won't ever be available again. Only 4684 participants so far.

I have been taking good advantage of my corona-cation. I totally appreciate the gifts given.

Letter 4/9/20

UPDATE 4:10 pm -- /success. 60 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon burned calories but didn't at all annoy the left toe.

A lovely day, chilly, sunny, windy. I went for a 6.2 mile walk this morning. A slow walk. A slow walk to anticipate an upcoming event. I signed up for a 100 mile virtual race. I'm pretty excited to earn a belt buckle and remember this period of self isolation. For a real race, I'd be tapering in order to be very fresh on race day. But now, I still want to go outside and enjoy hours of walking because walking is part of how I stand self isolation. But, I have one tiny injury problem that needs to heal before I unleash myself on 100 miles. Hence, slow walking.

Doing massive quantities of miles is a dream of mine, carried out with varying results over the past 18 years since I heard about ultra running. And every time I am off work, either between jobs or on vacation, the time has been used to do miles. Heck, every vacation has been to races. I love this. However, I have a fat short big toe which always gets blisters if too many miles are done. Since my last day at work in March, through today, I have jogged 264 miles, 95 miles just this month. So today, I decided that whatever exercise I took, it would be non-aggravating for the toe. Success so far.

Would you walk 100 miles to get a buckle? Well, I am.

Because I Can

An awesome thing happened to me today: I ran 50.4 miles. The awesome part was that I didn't have to and there was no reward for doing it. I did it because I wanted to.period.

See, the belt buckle was given when I reached 50k (31 miles). But, then, well, I felt good. Why stop there. I was in no hurry to go home, so ahead I went for another lap. And then another lap. And then getting up to 42 miles, I thought, why not go for the 50? I had the laps in me. Nothing was wrong other than a bit tired legs. And it was warm. And I could do it before the sun went down.

I wasn't the only one. It was a 24 hour race. Everyone got a buckle at 50k. But most of the runners continued on, even up past 100 miles. The only reward is internal really. The feeling of what you did is a thing to be remembered and contemplated.

Let me focus on what really astonishes me. I did it for no reward. Not for a bigger buckle or an award of any kind. I just felt like continuing to run even after I got the buckle at 50k. I felt like it so I did it. Usually, I stop when I get the buckle. Today, I just kept going because I wanted to. Sorry to repeat myself three times, but the feeling of going on and on was new to me. The feeling of running more than the required number of miles just because I felt good was incredible. Some mental hurdle disappeared. No resistance at all. It changed the way I look at my life:

I go to work at Starbucks because I can. I jog in forests because I can. I drive a cool car because I can. I drink purified spring water because I can. There is almost no "have to" about my life at the moment.  I do what I want because I can.

Driving home, Kansas gave me a treat of a magnificent sunset. Perfect!

Personal Mount Blanc

It is Labor Day in the US. I still had to run outside to put out the garbage since I heard the truck. The waste company has put several people out of work since they went to automated trucks.

I have time to sit and reflect. I read the blogs about the Catholic Church sex scandal, The Benedict Option. I watch YouTube videos of Ultra Trail Mount Blanc (below) and tears come to my eyes. I think of my own situation.

I am on the cusp of quitting my career. I wanted to retire before my body got too old so that I could go in lots of races. As I sit here now, one of my knees is somehow in trouble; so I won't hit the ground running.

The thought crosses my mind as I look at the faces of the three women winners of UTMB (video below), "I want to be who I really am." This thought also brings an important point to the surface. I am quitting my career, not just because I have the money, but because I was caught in fake me.

Real me is an athlete and scholar; and has been allotted an hour or two of living each day for my career. Real me is incredibly smart, creative and peruses the metaphysical universe seeing the energy connections of life itself. Real me runs miles and lifts weights. The fake me shoves itself into a corporate box and uses the intelligence to out perform inferior colleagues, please under-functioning bosses and make money. The real me is bored with an engineering job which became rote a couple of years ago, and frustrated with the niche of expertise. The fake me continues to wish for some sort of corporate recognition; which will never come because thats not what corporations do. Fake versus Real is an emotional conflict which I am allowing Real to win. I want to be authentic.

Now, facing retirement, the real me is eager for more time to write, to work on web pages, to learn the business end of being a professional writer, having a personal brand. No one can stop me.

I, and we all, have an inner spirit, a real me, that refuses to be boxed. For the first time in my life, I have the finances to give the real me both space and time. I realize a transformation will occur. Even I, who knows that inner energy, don't really know what will happen.

I have my own version of Mount Blanc. I've been climbing for years. Sometime soon, the next few years, I'll reach the finish line. And then go on.

I will keep the agreement with my inner spirit. I'm leaving the ordinary world and stepping into the extraordinary. Yes I can.

The 5th Lap

This is a race report about the Trailracingovertexas race Wildflower 50k in Bastrop State park, May 5, 2018.

But what is the 5th lap? It is the lap you can't believe you did and what you get from that.

But first, overall, a very successful trip. This weekend was my first camping trip with my Honda Odessy. Here is a picture of the back with my cot installed:

This worked pretty well. Not perfect. Improvements are needed, but for a first try at camping, it was a huge success. I also say that this van is very comfortable for long drives.

Next was volunteering at packet pickup. I met a lady who was 67. For her 65th birthday, she walked 900 miles of the Appalachian trail by herself. Wait. What? You did that? I was impressed. I didn't know 65 year olds could do that by themselves.

The following day was race day. How nice to be right in the park! The weather was clear and a little cool, to start at least. Although there were many runners, and the race started immediately uphill on single track, the whole conga line thing didn't bother me. It was dark so I wore my head light. I made it through the darkness without tripping!

Once we could see, it was a beautiful park with lots of green. Not that much shade as forest fires took out most of the trees.

The big challenge for me was that this was a trail race in hilly country. I live in a city that is totally flat, so the ups and down plus the rocks was all new to me. The audacity of me thinking I could do 50k on a trail! So I spent the first 2 of 5 laps thinking I would quit. It was going to be hot after all, and surely my quads would collapse on me. Somewhere during lap 2, I thought, "this is what it means to be fully alive."  During lap 3, I knew I would do lap 4. No heat related illness was felt which means I took enough electrolytes and drank enough fluids. Win! During lap 4, I knew I would do lap 5. What changed about my mental condition? Was this my doing or the work of my higher consciousness? Despite all those quitter thoughts, it was very easy for me to get back out on the trail for the final lap.

Having some mental gift to get back out and finish a race is a transcendence. It is also wealth and abundance beyond money. A rich experience, especially if it brings meaning to your life or knowledge of what you are made of, is worth more than money in the bank. It is abundance already in your possession. I mention my learning because I am still struggling with the idea of early retirement. Logically, the money is in the bank; but breaking my father's rules and spending instead of saving is still difficult mentally and emotionally. Going away from my lucrative but boring day job to pursue interests which don't pay that well seems to scare me. Living my life at a different vibrational order of being is new. These are the gifts of meaning and self esteem gained by going out on the 5th lap.

Well, I did finish the race:

Spirit's Mobile Hotel Room

49% Race Report - Jackalope Jam

How did I end up continuing my hate relationship with the Jackalope Jam? The first 2 years it was on a course with ruts and I ended up with amazing bad blisters. Even though the second year I planned only to run a marathon, the damage was done. I was smart enough not to sign up the third year. They had moved the race to a treeless course under the April Texas sun. The 4th year? This year? I wanted to run a timed event. This one was in Texas (no airfare required). They moved it to February, so maybe the heat would not be a problem. I didn't know that I would get into Snowdrop, so Jackalope was a second choice. I had a discount code. Bammo, click submit, many months ago.

Fast forward: I had an amazing 50 mile race in October in nice cold Kansas. I had an amazing Snowdrop, completing the 100 miles. So I had high expectations for Jackalope. The video of the course looked ok. I got a hotel room. My training and overall physical shape is good: high hopes for getting 100k.

Before the race began:

I sounded great didn't I?

After more than 8:39 hours of racing, I got 32 miles.

Here is my video after day 1.

The wheels came off. Somehow, I think I was using much more energy jumping around between ruts in the road to avoid other people and rocks. The afternoon turned out hot, into the 80s, so maybe I didn't hydrate enough. There was no big issues with blisters. But after 28 miles, I gave up the jogging. I felt lousy. I didn't want to eat, a sure sign of heat related issues. So I walked up to my B goal of halfway to 100k.

I went to my hotel and showered. I found myself very much wanting to eat my burritos and fruit. As the evening progressed, I realized that I didn't have any reason physically not to continue the race in the morning. What I didn't have was a driving motivation to continue. In fact, I was viewing another 31 miles on that course as 8+ plus hours of hell. More ruts, more people. Smelly, too full porta potties. Another 90 people on a crummy course meant I couldn't pick the easiest parts of the road. The belt buckle wasn't very shiny. Essentially, I had no thing I wanted to work for. Instead I thought I'd just be pissed off all day.  I laid in bed from 3 am to 4 am trying to decide what to do. Finally I realized that I didn't have 51% yes. It was a close decision, but I was at least 51% no.

Now I run ultras at all because of how it feels when you get one done. But the motivation to finish has to be there the whole time. Being pissed off won't buy me what I'm looking for.

So I didn't go back to the race. I came home. There are more races on my schedule and one more day to this weekend.

There is something about me that wants to do more in life than be employed and then die. Ultra running, or even marathoning, gives that to me. But I also have other dreams. Maybe finishing ultras is a way to satisfy my dreaming nature until it is time to quit my job. The question of exactly when to quit my job is on my mind alot. The time is soon.

The Oldest Woman

I don't suppose 56 is all that old. Actually, I thought I was 57 until ultrasignup.com corrected me. At 56, I am the oldest female in an ultramarathon to take place today. It starts at high noon in the middle of Texas. The main challenge is that it is hot. It will take me about 9 hours to walk and jog my way through 32 miles.

Today, I am on lesson 69 in A Course in Miracles: My grievances hide the light of the world in me. I am also reading The Power of Now by Tolle for the second time. The ACIM "light of the world" is Tolle's Now, pure consciousness, Presence, the life in me. So the point of doing this race today is to practice being being.

Yes I meant to say "being being." Or rather, being Being. Out there in the heat, in a forest park, I'll be saying my ACIM lesson. Every so often, I'll say "good job" to some passing racer. No doubt I'll get into a conversation with some one. I'll be thanking the aid station volunteers for their help. At the end, I'll get my medal, get in the car and come home.

It doesn't really matter if I finish today. It matters that I was there.

Snowdrop T minus 2 days and counting

It is Saturday eve. Tuesday morning I plan to toe the line at a 55 hour endurance event. In my house, piles of clothes and food have begun appearing. A couple of things are already in the car. I got my hair cut today. Monday, I pick up my packet, get my toes taped and put my gear in the bunk house.

I don't think I have felt so good in my legs for a long time. Thanks to bronchitis this week, I've been resting. But even when sick, I went for some long walks. The fresh air of a walk seemed to help me feel better. The drugs the PA gave me for my cough seem to have prevented the weeks of coughing I see many others have.

But still, walking/jogging 100 miles is alot. I don't really know if I can. Things can just go wrong. My brain is my worst enemy. This time, I got a hotel near the race so I can go regroup; but not quit all together. This race is on a cold windy course. I have all my winter clothes from when I used to live in Missouri ready to pack. Including a down parka.

Patience. Patience. Patience. Just quietly keep walking.

btw: like the ship channel skyline? I just put that picture on top of this blog today. Needless to say, I love chemicals and making them is my profession.

This Week in the Life of an Ultramarathoner

Monday started with a relief. What ever is wrong with my front tooth, it can't be found on an x-ray. Then I had a pleasant drive to College Station Texas. And I gave a well received professional presentation wearing a $700 suit.

Then I went to San Antonio and ran a 50k endurance run. That is, 31 miles; an ultra-marathon. I signed up for this race because I wanted to see what shape I would be in at the end. I haven't run that far in a long time. I have a 55 hour event coming up over NYE, so I wanted to see how I would feel after a 31 mile race. And being in a race, I was more sure about finishing it. I wanted to see if I could then do more walking since a 55 hour race would still have much more time and the potential to walk 100 miles in the 55 hours.

And there is the crux of the matter: quitting. For the first 2 hours of the event, my brain was fighting me, trying to come up with some way to quit and also save face. I wasn't even in real pain, just feeling like quitting. The race was 10 laps of 3.1 miles each (out and back). After one lap, I had a rational thought: I know how to laps. I do them every weekend. 10 laps is not that bad. Then I got it up to 6 laps. After that, I thought, "only 4 more." Then later I thought, "less than 2 hours." Then, one more lap. In the last lap Christopher Cross arose in my brain and I ran like the wind. Then I was done: 7 hours and 7 min not counting pit stops.

I asked my friend, "Why do we do this?"

It is not real clear, except for a few moments of real prayer I had during this race. The prayer occurred when I was in the moment. I was just taking these steps right here.

The drive home was pretty easy considering the time of day. Tough to get out of San Antonio, drive about 85 mph to Houston, tough to get through Houston.

I started ultra-marathoning for the sake of self transcendence. Then I waffled around with wanting to do 100 miles or something. Then I thought I'll do a massive number of marathons. Then I returned to the laps. The 55 hour run is laps. I should be right in my element.

I will not worry about doing more than 50k in any of my training. And I will continue to walk alot, along with my cross training. That is best for the 55 hour run. I will stay entered in Desert RATS. That race is too much for me, but I don't have to do every mile to experience a week of camping and more that 100 miles of desert meditation.

Thursday evening, I clicked "withdraw" from the internal job board for my company. I've decided to stay in Texas and accept whatever comes. I want to engage in the place where I am now.

I feel different about my home now. Driving down NASA Blvd this morning I thought about Carmel-by-the-sea and Seabrook (where I live). Seabrook is not Carmel, but it has feature I need like a nearby trail system and affordable housing and employment. There is a nice AA group. It is a good place to continue my spiritual studies.

My legs are ok for doing more miles today, but I don't need to push them. So I got groceries and washed the car as my workout.

Consciousness Itself

Most people think that running is about training for a race or a time goal in a particular race. They think of how dreadful all that running is. My adventure into ultra-running came about as an extension of meditation; a way to discover consciousness beyond daily striving.

A hot humid day in Houston, after about 3 hours of jog walk produces mindlessness.

I love A Course in Miracles because it is a text book. As I read it and practice it's lessons, a Teacher enters my consciousness. I don't need to travel to India or even around the United States. I receive inner peace right here. I "look beyond" right now.

My only mistake, seemingly, is not having the great emotional experience that others write about in their books. This experience distinguishes them from all others and seems to once again produce separation. It is my inner job to let this go.

I once was in a monastery and a Benedictine novice for 4 years. Within 3 days of my monastic profession, invitations printed and sent, altar flower arrangements in the cooler, I was suddenly kicked out. At the moment of being told to leave, I spontaneously (out of the blue) visualized a white bird suddenly having a golden ankle chain cut and it flew free into a blue sky.

When I want freedom at any time today, I think, "Eternal Silence lives It's life in me. Stately Quiet Love has set me free." I suppose I am able to fall down in adoration before Stately Quiet. It is here that I am free.

I had a dream during my final retreat in the monastery. I dreamed that I was dust mopping the long hallway near the Novitiate. I finished my cleaning work and then I was sitting outside on a rock, looking up at a starry sky, waiting. "Love is the predominant form of existence," is the word that I heard in this dream.

All this is important now since the same thing is happening. My universe is changing. The waves of emotion tied to thoughts about appearances and perceptions attempt to take me away. I must sit in quiet calm right now.

I can see how my life is merely a love affair of joy and Joy.

A Day to Make You Think

This morning, I woke up well before the alarm clock and got up. I got my courage together in order to make it out of bed. You would not think a person like me needs to do that, but I do. I don't really understand the difficulty in terms other than momentum. Once I am moving, I am moving.

I was reading in A Course in Miracles text 2.V.18: "I am here only to be truly helpful. I am here to represent Him Who sent me. I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me. I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me. I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal."

It comforts me think I do not have to worry; that He is here to direct me. I do feel content to be where He wishes.

I did not memorize any phrases today so I did my jogging with my dream of an expedition and what will fill my 3,000 cubic inches. The thing about the expedition, as hard as the running will be, the idea of camping is more mind boggling.

It is still hot and humid in Houston. The mosquitoes were viscous today. Lots of runners were out on the trails.

I kept going until I ran through the 90 oz of liquids I had available: 4h33min. It was hard. I'm not really ready for Top of Utah marathon. But training in the summer in Houston is just impossible.

Something about the heat and the sweat gives me a life or death outlook. I drink alot. I keep the calories coming. It is too easy to begin to feel like a swoon is coming on.

But compared to my dreams, 4 hours of jogging is nothing. I got less than a fifth of the miles needed for Snowdrop in December. For Desert RATS, I can only obtain maximum fitness for me, but no where near the miles needed.

That is the thing about ultra running. You can't train for one; except mentally.

My day makes me think. Wow! How will I do any upcoming race?

On a weekly basis however, I can build fitness. This week, with one holiday, I got 75+ miles and 22+ hours.

Living Gold

Plotinus Enneads 4.7.10: "Imagine living gold: it files away all that is earthy about it, all that kept it in self-ignorance preventing it from knowing itself as gold; seen now unalloyed it is at once filled with admiration of its worth and knows that it has no need of any other glory than its own, triumphant if only it be allowed to remain purely to itself."

It says something about me, my essence, that I have plowed my way through more than 400 pages of Plotinus. The writing is from 250CE or so. And I am not previously at student of Plato, so I didn't at first understand the terminology.

I bring up Plotinus today in relation to a special hate relationship I've had to pray about for the past few weekends. Students of A Course in Miracles will know about special relationships and special hate relationships. Well, there is a person in my life who I dreamed into an object of hate, attack and then guilt. So I turn to the Holy Spirit to practice ACIM forgiveness, a practice of looking beyond or looking within. The words of Plotinus were a very good help today as I kept "Imagine Living Gold" as something of a mantra while I ran.

I cannot afford the agony of a special hate relationship. I cannot afford to judge or resent anyone. Spirituality is the only tool I have for healing of my own mind. I have nothing enlightening to say about God because all my energy is taken up with healing my resentment. I pray for X. I pray for his health prosperity and happiness. I pray that everything I want for myself be given to him.

Selah! I am now free.

If I am committed to finding The One, then I need to be free of this world. Downward mobility, resisting the powers and principalities clothed in society's norms, grasping for more, insatiable competition. All these urges are in me. I try to be the opposite.

Running laps in Brummerhop park is extreme nothingness. It wears one's ego down, clears the dross and I find Living Gold.

I have had an extremely great month for miles:

The amount of hours can only increase slowly and reach a working girl max pretty soon. But I have been running more (cross train less) so the miles go up. This mileage from a person who is rebuilding a foot that had achilles surgery and 6 weeks of non-weight-bearing.

Starting at 12:00 am on Friday this week, I am starting a 7 day race. I can't tell you how eager I am to take 7 days off work and do laps in Brummerhop park. I can't tell you how I relish the Houston heat and humidity. This weekend I spent 40 miles and 8.5 hours literally dripping with sweat. It was awesome. I wore my new Nathan Vapor Shape and took sips every 5 minutes or so. I wore my Solumbra sunhat with the wide brim and neck drape.

I go around and around Brummerhop park and pray my mantra. It is a tiny park; but it is across the street from my house and it does have trees. Shade is all important in a place like Houston.

I think alot. I think about the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 mile race. I think about my own running and what races I might like to go in. I think about work and the friction I feel because I don't go along with certain group norms.  And the strange life path that lead me to Houston. WTF: Texas. Freaking Texas. I live in freaking Texas! How did that happen?

Endless Spiritual Miles

It is 2 1/2 weeks since Calgary Marathon. I really did a good job of preparing for 26.2 miles, hoping to finish in less than 6 hours. Compared to the utterly flat landscape of south Houston, Calgary is hilly and altitude. I did well with that part. My foot which had surgery last September did well too. I am happy with my trip. My Canadian peeps were awesome. Even United Airlines did a great job.

Now, time for a hot humid summer on the Gulf coast. My next race is a virtual 7 day race July 4- 10. The race is linked to my fitbit and I get a buckle for 100 miles. I am going to take it seriously. I like to be at home where I can feed myself, shower, sleep in a bed and the course is right by my home. No adventure at all, just miles.

I've been reading a book called History of God by Karen Armstrong. It is incredibly interesting to learn where Christian sects get their dogma. Ms Armstrong gave the first explanation of the Trinity I've ever understood. The meaning of Jesus is really quite different than churches teach. Christianity as practiced denominationally in the US is what I will now call Pauline. Consider, vast amounts of people practicing some religion mainly bastardized from letters not all written by a man who had a delusional experience but never knew Jesus and argued with James and Peter and eventually separated himself.

The adventure of the Sermon on the Mount is totally lost to denominational Pauline Christianity. That religion is for the masses of people who want to belong and feel safe.

I like more and more that since leaving the monastery nearly 11 years ago, I have done my research and stood up for my convictions. I'll accept anyone's personal experience of the Spirit of Christ; but not religion. Daily I do spiritual miles. These miles add up. I am grateful for them.

I am 55 years old. I thought I was post menopause, which I am. But I am just learning that hormone induced emotions continue on since now I am missing what I used to have. Yesterday, I discerned that my black cloud of more than a year ago had come back a few weeks ago. When I realized how that was exactly how I felt (seeing the world thru a red haze of hate for no reason), I mentioned it to a female colleague. She told me about a natural supplement she used. Now, I am trying it. I don't want the cloud. It is incredibly difficult to find a MD that will give you more than 20 seconds and no prescription unless you are hysterical. So, I go the way of hearsay. Other women will talk about what works for them.

Endless Miles

Yesterday I went in a 25k race in this park.

Today I walked 24.5k in a different park.

Yesterday, being in an actual race, I was trying to keep my speed up and practice for the Calgary marathon. So in my mind, I kept running over the numbers and figuring if I could finish in less than 6 hours.

Today, I was thinking 55 hour race. I only walked, but kept running over the numbers of how many hours to get to 100 miles.

But, 100 miles can't be the goal. This goal definition has been wrasseled out of my mind finally. My mind has already determined that 100 miles is just a number; its meaning wrapped up in what other people think. So my mind has rejected it as a goal. Also, what other people think has been relegated to the dopamine reward cycle. So doing what others praise me for can't be the goal and also the praise itself is rejected by my mind. I can't describe the massive disgust I feel when I say, "I ran 96 miles," and "they" reply, "too bad you missed 100." This is why I can't make 100 the goal. I can only make doing what I can my goal.

So I decided to do what I have to do but not tell anyone. Right at that point, another runner in the park (whom I've seen but not talked to before) came up to me and asked me what I was training for. So much for my secrecy plan.

My goal is the depth of my being. My goal is to throw my heart (slowly) over the bar. My goal is downward mobility. My goal is giving my all, drinking my dregs, ego deflation at depth.

I honestly don't think I came to this world to achieve stereotyped approval. I came here to finish my realization that this is a delusion; and seek only Ideal Form (see Platonism).

Sounds depressing right? Well, if the choice is "Ideal Form" , then a worldly goal will never work for me. It is more important to me to find my truth than your truth.

I did miles this week. I will do miles next week; and that is all there is to it.

Easter Multi-day 2014

This was a great weekend for doing miles here in Seabrook. So, that is what I did. An experiment of time and distance; except, I knew I wasn't in the mood for more than 5 hours on any given day. I wanted to sleep in also.

Friday I did 4.5 hours and 18.5 miles. Plus a 40 min strength workout.
Saturday I did 4h26min and 19.2 miles.
Sunday I did 4h01min and 17.1 miles. Plus I'll probably do some strength this evening while I listen to the TED radio hour.

My foot did really well. Yeah, that foot which had surgery in September 2013.

What amazed me is that I am not all torn up that I'm not celebrating Easter. I was practicing my Course in Miracles lessons. I did feel connected to my higher power. But I cannot for the life of me remember what was so important about Easter. This shocks me. I spent so many years as a Roman Catholic and also in a Benedictine monastery.

The God I worship doesn't seem to need special liturgy. If God is love, then there is nothing more to be done.

Voluntary poverty is to dismiss ego possessions; live with no kudos, no approval, no dopamine rewards, no special liturgy. Just be nice and pay your taxes.

Voluntary simplicity is to possess nothing. No honor, no rewards, no legacy, no other people. Just walk in silence.

If all you have is silence, you have made a good start on walking with God. My adult life is characterized by the quest for inner silence and God consciousness. This yields nothing in this world. It is about as silly as doing miles every day on a boring path in Seabrook, Texas.

Tomorrow begins another work week. But I am going to be a little slacker on the miles this week. I'm going in a real race next Saturday.

9/80 Weekend

This weekend, I put together 42 miles in about 10 hours. Today was walk day, as in mostly walk only some jog. Yesterday was 5x1 day, as in jog 5 walk 1.

And I bought a new car:

Totally happy with it. Its my second Prius, 4th Toyota. First sexy black car.

It has been a weekend of pondering inner peace. The car purchase was part of it; because it was almost a total non-event as far as life in this world is concerned. I went to the dealership. Jerked around with the sales man back and forth twice. Jerked around with a stack of paperwork. Move my stuff into the new car and go home. Inner peace would mean a not-special life. No dopamine. No highs. No lows. I've been working on inner peace as a spiritual goal. My life does get quieter. But then I ask myself, do I really want this? Well, not ego does. Egos like turmoil and excitement.

Today is the start of Holy Week for the Christians, especially the Roman Catholics. It is a hellish week for monastics. "The Demons" go wild with annoyances. As for myself, I don't really see the point anymore. It has been several years since I finished my bible studies and decided most of it was the domain early Church Bishop's agenda; and that what Jesus said or did has been misinterpreted ever since.

Sitting in my AA meeting this week, I had a revelation. See, I felt guilty that I left my home town at the age of 26 to move halfway across the continent. Got sober and attempted to do step 9 by letter with a raging alcoholic. Didn't work. She kicked me out of her life and then died before I ever saw her again. Yesterday, I for the first time thought, "What if all that was The Spirit's way of sparing me additional pain including a life as a drunk?" What if I was doing the next right thing and how it turned out had nothing to do with me? Then, I should accept The Spirit's gift of a sober life and be happy.

Today I did my miles in Brummerhop park. 41 laps. I thought about self transcendence. My whole ultra career go started and stays on because I hope for self transcendence. Truly, walking laps in a 0.37 miles loop is unglamorous and the only thing to do is repeat the day's spiritual lesson. For hours. I could call it training for the 55 hour race I signed up for. But really, its original purpose was self transcendence. I attempt to think thoughts not from the worldly source. I attempt to quiet my mind and hear spiritually sourced thoughts.

And just keep walking.

And just keep walking.

Ultra Fever

It happens every time I am not in severe pain: miles.

Since regaining use of my left foot 5 months ago, doing miles has been problematic even though continuously improving. The place where the scar ends on the bottom on my heel can be incredibly painful. And other place on the bottom back of the heel hurt for no explicable reason. But these things are getting better.

So, there is a 55 hour race over New Year's in Houston. The race rents cubes in a tent so you can stay right there onsite. I wanted a cube so I signed up for the race as soon as I noticed it was open for registration.

I have tried several times to do 100 miles in one race. But always I've been defeated: mentally. The closest I came was a Silverton in 2011 with 86 miles. If I had just sat down on that last day and ate, and not been afraid of falling on that mountain in the dark, I could've.....  At Ultracentric, it only took 54 miles to tear up my little toes, then I was shivering like crazy and food running out my bowels.....  At Aslinger, I got 80 miles in 20 hours before quitting because I knew I couldn't make 100 miles in 24 hours.

But anyway, I keep trying.

This weekend was not only miles for marathon training but miles for ultra preparation. I promised myself 10 hours of walking at any speed. Friday night I walked 7.2 miles in 2 hours. Saturday, I jog walked 5x1s for 20 miles and then walked another mile, which only took 4h53. Today I walked and jogged for 3h14min for 11.55 miles. All told 39.75 miles. Damn good.

As I was walking today, I knew there was no stopping me regardless of how bad this might be for me. Or how silly the idea of 100 miles in 55 hours is. I just must try again. I know the crew-less person has almost no chance of finishing 100 miles. I have almost no chance. But I still must try. I know people who are decades older with leg issues who slog their way along to get their 100. I am going to try again.

Between now and New Years (8 months) is a hot Houston summer. I've always been able to walk even in heat and I have a couple of small loops which are mostly trees. The 3100 mile Self Transcendence race begins in June. That always inspires me to do my laps. I'll just keep trying to add hours. I might go to San Antonio and walk a couple of marathons in a couple of days. But I will keep walking.

Consciousness Is

I didn't get up when the alarm went off today. I thought my foot would be hurting and that I'd not be doing miles (since I did 20 yesterday). But alas, the foot feels pretty good, so I'll head out shortly.

In the mean time, I lay in bed and wondered: what can I do to be more spiritual? See, I reached an impasse. The Course in Miracles says that Spirit does not know ego, but ego incessantly tries to achieve recognition.

I came down and started my study. I thought about the Marathon Monk, the ultra runners, the cloistered nuns, the Zazen practice, the traumatic brain injury. I conclude that these people achieve the belief in God because their ego let go.

If I stick with the ACIM definition that the ego is a belief system described as autonomy from God, then the people who achieve enlightenment through the above listed means have achieved the required letting go.

But my life is somehow not on one of those paths. My attempts to do those things have failed. I return to the reality that I am attempting to use consciousness to transcend consciousness. And that is when I realized: just let consciousness be.

That is the answer, don't attempt transcendence. Let it go.

My first inkling of God was on a hot day in Jerusalem where I watched Hassidic Jews in fur hats and coats praying at the Western Wall. I perceived that they had something I wanted. And so my ego swung into action and began its pursuit of God. In itself that is not a bad thing. Looking at it another way, I heard the call of God to return to Him.

In the moment, any given moment, I can return to God. But there is no associated achievement. And so I become confused. Americans are supposed to achieve. But God consciousness is not an achievement. It merely is.

So, I don't need to be a marathon monk, or a cloistered nun, or fast for 40 days, or live alone on a hill top, or get in a car wreck, or have cancer, or etc. I need to let go in any moment. This is in fact what I have been doing. I not only let go, but also take up Spirit as my mode of living.

My ego wishes for more, but that is all there is.