Virtual Marathon, An Experience of Conscience

 

Awesome Houston Marathon swag.

Marathons are hard. They are all hard, for the fast and the slow alike. Some people don't know so I'll tell you: a marathon is 26.2 miles. In the time of COVID, many races got canceled and many popular races offered a virtual race. A virtual race means that you run the distance by yourself, on your own course, and report the results. Then, the race organizers send you the swag: a medal, shirt, and bib. 

In 2018, as the gun went off in January for the Houston marathon, I was sitting on my bed with a box of Kleenex and feeling miserable. It was the only time I had entered the Houston marathon. I had been entered for a year because the race fills up. I did not start, DNS. 

So, fast forward to 2021, I no longer live in Houston. However, the Houston marathon is canceled and a virtual option is available. I signed up just to get some Houston marathon swag. It means a lot to me to have this swag for my collection of virtual marathon medals.

But running a marathon in January is a tricky thing in Missouri. It is usually too cold to spend 6 hours outside jogging and walking your way through 26 miles. I had assumed that I might have to run the Houston marathon on a treadmill. This year, however, the weather is pretty warm. The problem is snow laying on the ground. The snow on the bike paths means I can't use them for running. But in the little complex where I live, the roads have been spectacularly cleared. 

I picked yesterday to run my Houston marathon. It was supposed to get warm. I had devised a 1.2 mile loop around the complex. I could return to my home for pit stops. I had to start the marathon after the sun came up, but early enough that I could finish before it started to cool off. I got started at 8:40. The first miles were a bit slow and tricky because of...black ice. I only fell once.

The day was beautiful. I settled into lap after lap. What happens in my head during 6 hours of boring running? Frequently, my head is trying to figure out how to quit. Falling on the ice was the first excuse. Along with excuses for quitting, there are devious plans to fake results and post them anyway just to get the swag. It is only a virtual race so what does it matter if I lie about the results? Truth is, my brain wants to quit in real races and often suggests that I cut the course. 

I have never cheated in a marathon or anything. While some part of my brain goes on and on with cheating suggestions, some other part of my brain quietly pursues real achievement. I call this quiet part of my brain my conscience. 

Up until 14 or 15 miles, I find jogging quite easy. The black ice has been disappearing. The sun is out and actually doing its job of warming the earth. But after that, my feet begin to hurt and persevering becomes harder. I cut myself a break and start adding short walk breaks. Once past 20 miles, I know I can finish, even if I walk the last 6 miles. 

For most of my life, I've been a runner, sometimes sacrificing hours at work because I need to go running. I spent my career getting up at 3:45 in order to go running before going to work. I often wondered if I was wasting my life. But now, I think not. What I am doing each time I complete a marathon without cheating, especially if I am doing it by myself, is experiencing a higher-order consciousness than ego consciousness. I experience my Conscience. The experience of Conscience is one of the highest things a human can experience, and running marathons gives this to me.

Spirit TV

 I have a YouTube channel where there are many many short little videos. Find it at Spirit TV

Here are the two latest videos:

Over Thanksgiving, I went to Dallas and ran one full marathon race and a half marathon race. I had a good time and can't wait to go back. 

The weather has been awesome this December. I think I get in 10 miles a day.

Marine Corp Marathon

 I completed a virtual marathon yesterday. My Garmin clocked 5:59 for 26.7 miles (does not include pit stops). https://www.strava.com/activities/4125097680

During the pandemic, real marathon races have been cancelled. However, many of the really big marathons have offered a virtual option. The Marine Corp Marathon is one of these. The Marine Corp Marathon is so big that they have a lottery to get in and tens of thousands of people do the race. I don't think I would ever be interested in doing the actual race, but the virtual event offered a chance for me to get some good swag to add to my 2020 display.

Yesterday, the weather was fabulous in Kansas City. Crystal clear skies, coolish temps. Perfect for spending a day walking and jogging for 26 miles. I picked a beautiful park where I could pass by my car every 8 miles to replenish my drinks and gels. Overall, it was pretty easy to accomplish this distance. Honestly, n real races, I often wish I could cut the course and get it over with. But yesterday, there was none of that thinking, even though, yes, my feet are sore after about 18 miles. But I only looked forward, not away. 

I am running virtual marathons to make a 2020 display. I don't think I'd go 26 miles unless there was some virtual race on the line. Will I keep doing marathons next year? I don't know. Half marathons are much easier to manage, and I can run much faster. Half marathons are more like a race and less like suffer-fest. 

Next up: New York City marathon

Bad Ass Marathon

I have a friend who thinks I am a bad ass. I haven't known how to respond to that since I don't feel like a bad ass.

However....after today, maybe I do.

Wouldn't someone who has run, as of today, 100 marathons in her life be a bad ass? Or who ran a 100 mile race? Or became a millionaire? Or who finished monastic formation? Or successfully accomplished FIRE (financial independence retire early)? Or who had been sober for 34 years? Or hold down a job at Starbucks at the age of 62? Or, many other things I have accomplished in this life.

So, someone who completed a 600+ mile virtual race across Tennessee, in half the allotted time, ought to be a bad ass. 

Well, a few days ago, I did the math and saw that I was getting down to the end of my race across Tennessee.  A tiny thought went through my mind, "Do a marathon to finish it off." Along side of this impending finish was the fact that I had failed to complete a virtual marathon during April because when I had got to 22 miles, my feet hurt and I quit because a virtual race didn't mean anything.

Well that is a good idea: finish off a 600+ mile/ 2 month effort with a celebration by running a marathon. Be a bad ass! But also, I felt a little resistance because of that failure in April. Should I try this again? I didn't want to feel like a failure again. I haven't done that many miles in one run for awhile. Can I do it?

To sign up for the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee was an impulse from my inner being to begin with. It felt so right. And, 20,000 other people, and some dogs, have joined me. My success at carrying out the project was effected by alignment with my inner being. My energy was lined up with my inner being and momentum was generated to complete the project. In fact, I have been obsessed with getting miles every day, even walking on the treadmill to complete miles in the afternoon after a shift at work.

But, to do a marathon by myself, I needed more than a vague idea. I needed to strongly intend to do it. I needed emotional momentum. I needed to line my energy up with the idea. This means some practical activities like getting all my drinks ready the night before. Taping my toes. Setting my alarm clock. It is hot here so a person has to get up early to finish running a marathon. Still, I had to sit down with my journal last night and explore my fears. I had to complete a focus wheel to raise my vibration in relation to the idea. I had to segment intend by remembering how I felt during a 50 mile race last November when I had been in the zone and finished trouble free. I had to think honestly about this upcoming segment and my intentions for it. Was the idea an ego idea that would fail or an inner being idea which would succeed? It is up to me to decide and then  line up with the energy. These energy activities are to experience the success in advance so it is the cause. 

The alarm went off at 4 am. I did have to decide at that point whether to get out of bed. That has happened before too, not making it out of bed I mean. But I did get the idea of how I would feel if I completed a marathon versus how I would feel if I went back to sleep. I remembered how good it feels to run in the early morning coolness. I chose getting up.

I had a cup of coffee. The bad ass idea went across my mind. A bad ass has to get up early if she wants to do a bad ass thing. I did a meditation on physical well being. I felt much better. I felt like I just needed to be easy about it. I grabbed my hydro pack out of the refrigerator and made it out the door by 5 am.

I had planned to complete the marathon in two parts. First running from my front door and then going to a park with many trees during the hotter part. The first part went super well. It went so well that I extended it to 18.3 miles before getting back to home base. It was mostly cloudy and I felt appreciation that such a cool morning had been given to me. 

When I got home, it was still cloudy and I had to decide where to complete the run. To go back out from my house or go to the park. I thought about how clouds can suddenly vanish and I thought about how much easier it is to run in the shade. I picked the shade. So I hopped in my car and drove the two miles to the park. Good choice. The clouds did disappear and by the time I had finished off the final eight miles, it was 87F. Course map (the straight line from green dot to hash mark is in the car, but not included in miles):

What surprised me however was that my feet and legs didn't reach any devastating level of pain. For the run, I had plenty of emotional momentum to keep going, but also, I wasn't in trouble with blisters. I didn't bonk.My feet didn't hurt. My hip didn't hurt. It was amazing. It has been a long time since I have felt so in the zone for a long distance effort. 

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee is now complete. I will finish in roughly 1,590th place of 20,000. I feel like a bad ass.

Check out my run on Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/3684757639

I have the corona virus to thank for my amazing athletic feats of the past 3 months. Without corona there wouldn't be these virtual races. Actually, the corona virus has been very good to me. Everything about me is thriving at the moment. My mode of existence has shifted. There are many people who are doing amazing things during this corona virus time. Not everybody is worried about sickness. Just look around you and you will see them.

Stay tuned. I have another virtual race coming in two weeks. It includes a 50k race which has to be done in one effort. 

KC Marathon Finish Picture

Below is a great picture of me coming in to the finish line of the Kansas City marathon. I am looking very intense.

My next race is a 24 hour race which starts on a Friday evening. I hope to run 50k on Friday night, finishing about 1 am. Adjourn to my hotel room to sleep and eat. Then return to the course on Saturday to complete at least another 50k.

I love being an athlete.

We are getting our first snow tonight and tomorrow night! And cold! My indoor machines might get alot of usage. However, I am going to make a pair of screw shoes tomorrow.

Race Report -- KC Marathon

The alarm went off at 3:40 am. I was dead asleep. I knew the forecast called for rain today, but I hadn't seriously decided that maybe I didn't want to run a marathon in the rain. Marathons take me a long time so getting too cold is a consideration. But not today. The temps were in the 50s. Looking at the radar, the rain didn't look too hard. After some coffee and yogurt, packing my stuff, I was on the way to the race. Only a 20 minute drive. I was there very early so no problem getting a parking spot where I wanted. I sat in my car and read a book.

About an hour before the race, I went over to the festival area near the start. I had on a light weight poncho because of the rain. Most people were standing under tents, which is where I stood. I used the porta potties. They had alot of them so no waiting. About 15 minutes before the start, I got myself into the starting corral. I was positioned near the 4:50 pace bunny, although I lost him as soon as the race started. There were thousands of runners, doing the full marathon, the half marathon or 10k, all lined up together. I couldn't hear what the announcer was saying at all. Everybody shut up for the national anthem, which sounded like a recorded rendition using a clarinet and no voice. Wait, you cant find a good singer in the city? There were fire works when the horn blew. It took me at least a minute to begin to even move forward.

The race starts in an area known as Crown Center. The first part of the race goes north into downtown, and then circles south along The Paseo, The Plaza, along Ward Parkway, Brookside, Waldo, a bit into Johnson County, along Ward Parkway, back toward The Plaza, West Port, and back to Crown Center. It was a very decent tour of Kansas City and featured some really affluent sections with massive stately old mansions. 

It rained lightly for about 2.5 hours. I ran at a 10:19 pace for the first half. I knew I could keep up that pace for 16 miles and that then I'd start to be whupped. I had a secret wish to finish in under 5 hours.
For much of the first half, I was wondering if I really should complete this race. The rain was not thrilling me and 26 miles seemed like a long way. But, as I approached the split where the half marathoners headed home, my body swung itself into the full marathon course. I resigned myself to finishing. All this mental struggle even though I was having a banner day: fastest paces in several years. I did great but did slow down for the last 8 miles. I didn't do any walking except for through aid stations. My jogging in the last 4 miles was slow, even on the down hills. My legs hurt, but no blisters or other injuries.

I started to hope for a sub-five hour finish. That would be major for me. I kept jogging although I'm sure I looked like I was barely moving. It wasn't raining and the sun shone in spots. The last mile was a gentle down hill but still I couldn't bring myself to pound my quads very hard. Lots of people were at the finish line. I made it! 4:49 by my Garmin (which doesn't include 2 pit stops). Second in my age group.

No pictures until the race photographer publishes. Due to the rain, I didn't take my cell phone on course.

Heart of America Marathon 2019

Well, I did it! I ran a race! I didn't not-make-it-to-the-start. I did run pretty hard and for most of the way.

The day started comfortable cool at about 60F, but very humid, foggy in fact. The race was not huge, only about 300 runners. The first half of the race was more down hill than not, so I made it to the half point in about 2:20. The half is in the middle of a long steep hill, known as the Easley Hill. (If a hill has a name, you know it is knarley).

After that, the sun came out and as time wore one, I got slower and put in a few walk breaks. I got a blister on the bottom of one foot. It took me a long time to figure out that tightening that shoe would help. Finally, I did stop and tighten it and it did help.

Miles 23 - 26 were mostly flat, but in the sun. I was sweating profusely and dying on the vine as far as speed goes. Second place in my age group passed me during mile 25, but I had nothing to go after her with. I finished in 5:13 by garmin time.

All in all, I'm please with how much I ran (as opposed to walking). I'm pleased that I kept jogging the last mile even though I was hurting. I just said to myself, "well, this is how it is supposed to feel if you try to keep running 26 miles."

I thought of Courtney Dauwalter during the last couple of miles (see second video below). I know a marathon is nothing compared to UTMB 100. But thats the race I was in. I know Courtney keeps going. She goes in her pain cave and keeps going. So, I tried that too. It was hot but I told myself that I wouldn't die if I got a little over heated in the last couple of miles. Just keep going. I am feeling the emotion of accomplishment as we speak.

I rewarded myself on the way home with a Quick Trip grilled cheese and Coke Zero.

My next marathon (#97) is in 6 weeks.

Texas Triple

Well, the short form is: I did it!

Before I even went to Texas, I had asked the race director if I did two marathons and a half marathon, would that still count for a triple? Yes it would. My primary reason for this is that it is an 8 hour drive home from Dallas, and I didn't know if I would have to work the next day. So the original plan was always to run 2.5 marathons.

Day 1 went ok. It was really hot late in the race so I walked more than usual. I made a mistake with my knee so my ACL tightened up alot after I stopped running. A slight cause for concern.

Day 2 went better. I figured out what to do about the knee. It seemed a bit cooler. I got done a little bit faster. My left toe was seeping blood out from under the blister pads. I knew there was a blister but I didn't know how bad and I left it wrapped up since it doesn't hurt too much. I had another blister on the bottom of my foot. This was because the sock from the first day stuck to the show insole, and since I only had one sock on, my foot took a beating. I fixed this problem for day two, but still, that blister occasionally screamed at me.

Early morning day 3. I'm sitting in my hotel room, dressed for the race and packed. Should I go? I felt like I could do a half marathon, and I came all the way to Texas to run a triple. So, lets do it!

I get to the race and look up the race director to tell here I am only doing a half. But as as soon as she saw me, before I said anything, she blurts out that if I run a full marathon, I'll win the women's triple division and be awarded a really cool trophy. It was a really cool trophy. The race director really wanted me to have it. But my mind was already made up about only running a half. I didn't think I had another full in me.

So that is how it went down. Since I only had a half to do, I ran almost all of it at 11:30 pace. I'm really pleased that I went to the race and did day number 3. Excellent. I got done while it was a cool 78F. Then a stop at Starbucks before heading home.

I am happy to be me and happy to be a marathoner. I watched many Southwest airplanes land and take off since the race was right nest to Love Field. I decided I prefer to be running than couped up in an airplane. I'm 60 years old and I can run multi-day marathons about as good as I could 5 years ago when I first started doing it.

Hummm.... now I need to think about what is next!

A Miracle

This trip to Dallas must be in alignment with my inner being. My usual mental hurdles are just not there. Like, making it to Dallas at.all given the 8 hour drive after a 6.5 hour shift which began at 4:30 am. Why did I NOT just get lazy as I usually do and blow it off?

Then, after yesterday's marathon, my right ACL tightened up a lot. It was difficult to walk and I was sure that getting up in the morning, I'd be hobbling. But it was only mildly noticeable. So I went to the race anyway. Today's marathon seemed easier than yesterday's. Maybe due to cloud cover, but it was still hot/humid, and two guys went down with heat related illness. I don't know, but I got my second marathon in 2 days done.

However, after finishing, I looked down at my left foot. I could see a little pink color on the sock. This concerned me that blood was seeping out of the toe wrapping. But when I took the sock off, I couldn't see any bleeding. So, I don't know where the blood came from. The blister on the bottom of my foot did get a little worse, but not that bad. My left knee is not sore at all!

Within 2 hours of finishing this marathon, I knew I wanted to go do my half marathon tomorrow to make it  a Texas triple. I want to do it. That's weird. Usually, I'd be finding an excuse not to go do a half marathon. But I feel myself wanting to.

During the race today, I found myself very conscious of the thoughts in my head and remembering that I get to choose the thoughts I am thinking and then ask myself what thoughts I wanted to think. What thoughts feel good? What thoughts would help me finish this marathon? This marathon. Not tomorrow's or some other thing that happened in the past or future. I stopped telling myself the various stories about my history which usually occupy my mind.

I saw a baby turtle.

Watched a hundred Southwest Airlines planes land and take off (the race is right next to Love Field).

Drink your fluids.

So, I need my body to heal up enough to tolerate a half marathon tomorrow morning. and, I need to not flinch or beg off. Not make excuses for my sorry self. I am ready to move forward.

What am I like as a person? I run marathons for no particular reason. I don't step on bugs.

Finally a marathon

It has been months since I did a long race, with so many failures. I signed up but did not start 3 races, usually due to cold or freezing rain.

Getting to the start of this race caused me some worry. Yesterday, I worked a 4:30 am to 11 shift at Starbucks, then jumped in the car and drove 8 hours to Dallas. I was worried about drowsiness in the car. But I was only drowsy for a brief few minutes during a rain storm just before getting to Wichita.
The drive went well. After getting to my hotel room, I fell into bed and was promptly asleep.

I woke up before my alarm this morning and easily got to the race site by 5:15. The race started at 6. The first couple of hours were pretty nice as far as not being that hot and there was a stiff breeze. I ran the first 11 miles at 11:30 pace and then switched to a 3x2 pattern ( 3 minutes jog, 2 minutes walk). The last 6 miles were undertaken in hot conditions. My feet had begun to hurt and a blister was on the ball of one foot. I walked much of the last 2 miles as it was so hot. But, I finished the whole thing in 5:49. I was glad to break 6 hours considering I walked alot.

I forgot how much marathons hurt.

Tomorrow, I plan to try another marathon. I'll have to go slow. One of my knees hurts.

But still, I feel very good about being here and doing marathons. There isn't a logical "why" explanation for running any marathon let alone two in two days. But I am jazzed about it and have prepared for tomorrow.

Here is a short video taken right after finishing.

It was also exciting to be in Texas. I almost felt like a Texan coming home. Weird!

Two Marathons and Friends - A Tale of a Weekend

This weekend I created an experience for myself. I ran 2 marathons and I visited 2 old friends. These were marathons 82 and 83 for my life. One of the people I visited was a Sister at the Monastery where I used to live. The other was a long time friend.

Today, Sunday, was supposed to be a relaxing day of resting and getting myself together for tomorrow. I got home late thanks to weather delays at the airport. So I didn't go to bed until nearly 24 hours after I had got up! I slept great. When I woke up, I noticed that the air conditioner seems to have stopped working. So, I called the place I have a service contract with.

Then I tried to get the bread machine going, but messed up on the button pushing; so we shall see what kind of bread comes out. Then I got the laundry going and was successful at that. Then I got the soy milk machine going and was successful at that. Then I made coffee and sat down at my book.

Here is where things get interesting. I stopped to ponder the current emotional situation; and also realized that I barely remember doing a marathon yesterday. I realized I was predicting all sorts of problems with the AC and work disruptions this coming week and how to stay at my house if it is hot. Why was I doing that? I am reading a book called "How Emotions Are Made;" which is added to many other books I have read in my life related to 'you create your own reality.' If you haven't studied reality for several years, then I say, "Don't blow that statement off, but also realize it is complicated." Reality is my emotional experience; made of a social reality I was taught and my own choices.

I realized that I didn't want a stressed out day and my mind could make choices. I didn't know how well it would work but I could at least manage the thinking.

Just as I decided to manage my thoughts, the phone rang. It was the technician saying he was on his way. Already, my universe has turned around as I had not expected that call until late this afternoon. So, I had changed the prediction and I got a happy reality. The technician arrived and quickly knew what to do. I thanked the Universe. As the technician went to his truck to look for the part, I quickly realized that I didn't want to predict further negative problems. I stood in the back yard with my hand over my stomach and projected a feeling of happiness and that everything works out. He came back with sort of the right part. A part that works and gets my house cool but then still needs to be replaced with the right one. I didn't even get through writing this blog post up to now and the AC is back on and running.

So, now, my reality is a series of my emotional experiences and now I have choices about my projections. I get to choose why I am alive. Yes there is a mind bigger than mine. I am not saying I am the creator. I am saying that I have choices about my reality, to some extent, at least now. I think I only gained the ability to have choices after many years of spiritual, psychological, neuro and metaphysical studies.

So, now about the weekend.

My flight with United went perfectly fine. After getting my rental car, I drove into the Missouri countryside to a monastery where I used to be a member. I visit every now and then when I am nearby. This time I was struck with how old and decrepit they are. I didn't feel the desire to stay there and didn't wish I could have stayed and become a sister. I didn't come away with the answer to why I went there in the first place.

Onward. The next day I went out into the Kansas countryside to do a marathon. This race had about 100 entrants, many of whom I have seen before in similar races, and many are retired people in their 70s. The race began at 4:30 due to the heat. I got in about 14 miles of good running; then I did begin to get hot and had to take walk breaks. I was extra careful about fluids and electrolytes. At each end of the short course, I sponged myself with ice water. I finished in good shape.

That evening, I thought about the two days: one with old Sisters and one with many old marathoners. I really admire the marathoners more. I thought, "if my job is to make the most of my life, then doing marathons is what I should be doing."

The midwest is having an incredible heat wave. So the race director offered a 3:30 am start for the next race. I took advantage; though my car thought it was 87F at 3 am. Given 3 hours of darkness, I ran pretty well getting 16 miles done before the sun was up enough to affect me with heat.

I finished the race and hurried back to the hotel so I could have free breakfast. Then I showered and drove to Kansas City to meet a friend. My friend and I talked about her new hobby of mushing dogs (you know, having the dogs pull a sled). We talked about retirement. We talked about my plans for post retirement. This friend knew me when I went to the convent; and yesterday, just shrugged when I told her I still don't know why I went to the convent. It is not important is what that shrug seemed to say.

Then I went to the airport. At the airport, I found that United would upgrade me to first class for $59. I took the deal. Shortly, I was settled in my seat and taxiing for take off. Suddenly a ground stop due to weather. I was glad for that first class seat if I had to sit on that plane very long. I wasn't real happy; but I didn't even try to change my mental predictions until they had to taxi back to the gate to wait. I then began to watch my mind and try to become a pool of calm. It did take some time to get all that sorted out and get airborne. As I tried to snooze on the plane, I realized that I hardly remembered at all that I had run a marathon that morning. Today, I wonder what social reality I was participating in. Many people did not get back on the plane; preferring to instead travel at some other time.

I decided to honor the weekend experience by writing about it and getting one of the photos printed at Walgreens. Yes I ran 2 marathons. My weekend seems to be about how I was creating reality. I am learning what I am doing.

What about the AC? Getting it fixed today is just one of the chores I needed to get done today. It really was quick and easy; and since I have a service contract, it cost no more to get it done today than any other day. This speaks of how my life usually goes. And because most of my life is easy, I have time to do marathons and then wonder why I do them.

PS: the bread came out fine.

Day 1

Day 2

Galveston Marathon

So, I haven't blogged in awhile. I guess I got tired of posting marathon race reports. On January 1, I ran the Texas marathon. On January 29, I ran the Sugar Land marathon. On February 12, I ran the Galveston marathon. That brings me to 76 lifetime marathons. Here is a picture of a over heated me at Galveston:



I bought the picture and then scanned it for here. Not a great scan. What I most like is that my arms do appear to have muscles. Yes I lift weights. I have always been fascinated with muscles. I must have been a guy in my previous life. As a woman, my muscles will never be too impressive but I keep working at it. As I remember being a teenager and fascinated with my back muscles, I remember other things about those years. It is a wonder that I survived my early life without many more bad things happening to me.

In January, I passed my 58th birthday.

Mr Trump was inaugurated. The news continues to be almost solely about his administration; and the crazy doings of a very strange man. Unfortunately we are looking at "normalization of deviation" and nothing will be integral again. There haven't been any statesmen in Washington for a very long time. Our country will be going down.

I got the new Annotated Edition of A Course in Miracles. This new edition is really fantastic. The person who wrote it got the original shorthand notes of Helen, the original scribe of A Course in Miracles, and then published this edition directly as the notes say. Much new material. A fantastic work.

Speaking of work. I continue to diligently hack away at problems with my manager. I have a fantastic coach for this effort. I have learned alot about emotions. But in general I am unhappy. I continue because I must grow. My boss wants me to be a bonsai but I am a tree and cannot put up with the pruning any longer. I am 58 years old with 35 years experience in this field. I can't just go get another job at this level in this field. However, in the not too distant future, I will quit and go do something else. Also, my boss will be retired in a couple of years anyway. I am needed to do what I do. My problem is what would be known in psychological terms as "differentiation of self" or less technically as "taking back my self." Living my equality, not begging for it.

I remind myself that I didn't come into the world to be unhappy at work every day. But A Course in Miracles continually reminds me that it is my own thoughts which are the problem. I have hope for my thought patterns and am working through the work book again. I still can't figure out why I am alive; but the spiritual work I do has been with me since the age of 22. My struggles at work are really a butterfly trying to get out of a cocoon. I need to be free and I don't need anybody's permission. White bird must fly or she will die.

Salvation is as Salvation Does

Marathons. God I want to run another right now. I don't want to wait 10 days, until 1/1/2017, for my next race.

Here is a story of how I can get completely lost in my mind. Here is an example of an addictive thought process. While I am addicted to marathons, you can easily substitute alcohol or cocaine and get a similar slippery thought slope.

Yesterday I was out running. I was feeling real good and I wanted to run another marathon. But there are none right this minute; except for Iranmarathons.com in San Antonio. Here is the beginning of the slippery slope.

I am well aware that the race director P fudges the results. That is, people who didn't run the race, including herself, are shown with results. People who ran virtually are shown in the results. P has claimed to run 1001 marathons, when I watched her cheat at the 2015 Irving marathon.

So I could drive to San Antonio and run a marathon. For me personally it would be legal right? I showed up at the course and ran it. Do I want to support a race director who cheats? But, God, I want to run a marathon right now. But I know perfectly well, that I could be the only one who shows up. So that is not really a race. Why drive to San Antonio, pay $100 to a scoundrel, and run by myself. Why not pay $35 to the scoundrel and run in Seabrook, but have my result appear with the rest of the results. I could run the course for the Seabrook Lucky Trail marathon so I was sure it was a measured marathon and not a Garmin marathon. I could do this and then be able to count one more marathon in my collection.

After this run where I came to this extraordinary conclusion, I got on the internet. I decided to check out results for L. I like L and I have seen L at races all over the country. L has been recognized for the most marathons ever. He includes Iranmarathons results in his list. But strangely, whenever I have gone to San Antonio, I haven't seen L on course. I asked another friend, C, about this. He said that L might start at 10 pm. But, my mind whispered, then that is really running virtually. So, to continue my rationalization, I thought, "If Iranmarathons virtual results are good enough for L, then why not me?"

Then I happened to google L. I landed on a page marathoninvestigation.com. They had a long expose about L and the impossibility of some of his results. They also had a long expose about the Iranmarathons race director P.

A sour taste went into my mouth. Thank God for that. I was saved. I dismissed all ideas of claiming a virtual marathon result or going to San Antonio. Instead, I found myself sending an e-mail to Marathon Investigations about what I saw with P at the 2015 Irving marathon.

Today I went for a 3.5 hour walk. Just walking. I know I'll survive 10 days until my next marathon.

Another Zone Experience

I wish I could express what it is like to be in the marathon zone. Whenever it happens, it makes all marathoning so worth while.

I don't have a family, so I'm happy that I got to spend Thanksgiving running marathons with my marathon family. It is so cool to see a small crowd of marathoners get together for multiple days of races. Some of these people are Texans and I see them at Texas marathons; but some are from out of town and I see them when I go out of town. Angela, Clyde, Robert, Ila, Maggie, Kevin, the guy from Mumbai...

I ran 2 marathons. The first day, I played it safe as usual. I set my Garmin for 3x2; then easy jogged for 3 minutes and fast walked for 2 minutes. I finished day 1 in good shape in 5:42 (not counting pit stops). Then chilled in my hotel room.

Day 2, I felt good. I was surprised that my big toes seemed pain free. The usual blisters were not there. At the start I took off running easy. No walk breaks for 8.7 miles at 11:20/mile pace. Then my head did some math and figured that even if I did the 3x2s, I'd only lose about 3 minutes per lap so I might as well take the walk breaks.

But as soon as I started the walk breaks, my running speed took a quantum leap. I mean, I was flying whenever I was running. I became free. I thought, "well I don't have to do another marathon tomorrow so I might as well let my body go." And I did. I began to run just for the pleasure of running. I had one line of a Christmas tune going in my head. Otherwise, I had no presence of mind. I was sheer movement without ego. Man, I loved it. Even with the walk breaks, I still managed an average pace of 11:20/mile. I finished in 5:05 (including pit stops).

What was also cool is I somehow got it in my mind as I came in sight of the course clock, that I could beat 5:05. I actually sprinted the last 0.2 of a mile or so. I haven't sprinted in a long time. I haven't just ran full out in forever. It felt awesome to just let go and go. Are 57 almost 58 year olds allowed to do that? For no reason! I mean, there were no awards for this and I wasn't passing anyone. It was only for myself.

I'm pleased to say that nothing got injured either. I'm going to run tomorrow. I'm going to consider running fast in my next marathon in 3 weeks.

Triple Marathon - the inner and the outer runner

This discussion is not a tweet. Are you able to read serious stuff and ponder? Not many people do now-a-days. It is difficult for me to focus long enough to write out my thoughts in enough detail for someone else to enjoy them.

Lots of ideas and factors went in to this 3 day journey, ending in some new understanding of myself and my higher consciousness.

Paul Brunton (philosopher) once wrote, "Every word has therefore two meanings: the external meaning, which is the objective fact or event in external experience, and the internal meaning, which is the idea of that fact or event which is formed in the mind."

This is a race report, but I'd like to focus on the internal meaning, what is in my mind. I'd like to focus on content vs form. I'm not alive on this planet to brag about how I ran 3 marathons in three days. I'm here for some spiritual activity; and everything I experience is for that activity. Don't dumb down the purpose of human life.

Sri Chinmoy taught about the inner runner and the outer runner.  Here The outer runner is what I appear to be doing: suffering through 26 hot miles, 3 days in a row. The inner runner is how I am pushing the spiritual purpose of my life forward.

Paul Brunton said in another place, "The goal towards which man is slowly travelling by successive steps is a threefold one: the fully developed environment, the fully developed intelligence, and the realized soul. The last is the best and the other two are servants of it, for he comes first to a comprehension and then to a realization of himself. ""The purpose of gathering experience (the evolutionary process) is precisely to bring such an awareness (of the realized soul)." I am wanting to express how three days of marathoning is an experience gathering activity.

For everyone, their first marathon is amazing. For me, finishing any marathon is also a journey. Every marathon has its learnings. I've now done 61 of them.

Besides Brunton and Sri Chinmoy, there is something my energy practitioner said the last time we talked. I have talked to her about my continual frustration with enlightenment. I'm frustrated because I haven't had that peak experience that so many spiritual teachers write about in their books; even though I've tried all the methodologies (short of drugs or traumatic brain injury). She discussed with me that realization of my inner essential being (realization of my soul), my quest for consciousness, is in itself The Thing. My Higher Self is The Quest Itself. This 3 day marathon journey was exactly that.

In a 3 day marathon, there is some aspect of my quest for consciousness. I want to discover That.

How difficult it is for me to pause and really dissect the inner experience. I have feelings which are hard to put into words.

Form: I completed 3 marathons in 3 days. The first took 5:59. The second took 5:54. The third took 5:27. These times are my garmin times and do not contain pit stops. They were all on the same course. Okay, done.

Content:

The inner experience is about how hard it was to get to the start of day number 3. Wow, that is the gist of it. Enlightenment is about pushing past the ego's shrieks, complaints and barriers. That takes some kind of spiritual effort.

I've been a life long runner. In 2005 or so, I learned about the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 Mile Race. In reading about this race, I learned about the self transcendence aspects of distance running. I tried to enact that possibility. Time and distance are involved; but not necessarily entertainment. Many laps are run. Laps are boring. Laps are perfect place to turn inward and listen. This 3 day marathon was on a 3 mile loop. It was a place to turn inward and listen.

In February of this year, I completed a double marathon. This made it possible to believe my dream of going on a Mainly Marathon vacation could come true. So I signed up for the Texas Threesome as a step along the way.

In the days prior to this race, I could hear my ego grumbling. I live in Houston where the main topic of conversation is traffic. My ego was grumbling about traffic on the trip home from Dallas and traffic around Houston if I left later in the day. This grumbling was bad. It was forcing me to think that maybe I would skip the third day of the race and drive home inthe middle of the night when there wouldn't be any traffic. This is the first ego barrier I had to overcome. I call it an ego barrier meaning it is something I have to spiritually get through in order to achieve conscious awareness of my soul.

Second problem was my ego questioning why I needed to do a third day at all. I mean, if two days are successful, shouldn't I skip the third day and not hurt my body? After all, I am signed up for a triple in July, why not wait until then? Why risk injury now? These fears are another ego barrier. They suggest a lack of understanding about what is going on metaphysically: ie. I hadn't had the experience yet so I didn't know what it was for. I have a habit of quitting difficulties based on my ego's yelling at me. I had to solve this problem spiritually as well.

There were other minor issues like not having enough vacation time at work but needing a day off prior to this adventure to sleep. There is the malaise which occupies every ego. It takes energy to get it out of a rut and go do something.

Day 1

I got my packet on Friday evening. At packet pickup I spoke with a woman who is older than me who finished a 300 mile race over 10 days. She got 5 stress fractures but finished the race even with the severe pain. Ever since, she has had various physical problems. But she mentioned to me she wants to go back to the 300 mile race because it was such an inspirational experience for her. At this event now, she hadn't been able to train, but still walked 5 hours on 2 days to finish 2 half marathons. I have to honor the inner runner, that deep desire this woman displayed.

These races begin at 5 am. It was warm and humid (even though I wasn't in Houston!). I planned to do all the races with 3 minutes run/2 minutes walk. The first day I spent most of the time with a cancer survivor who was finishing his 100th marathon. The survivor part is a new American idolatry; and yes, I buy into it and see the inner runner in it. But as he continued his story I became less impressed. There is some opioid use. It became clear that he had no regular workout routine other than walking marathons. He was killing his inner runner. Finally about mile 17, as I was jogging very slow and listening to his breathing, I blurted out that I thought he should talk to his doctor about that. He was gasping when I was not even near winded. I mean slow jogging for 3 minutes. After that he quit tagging along with me. After he left me, I did speed up some. This makes me wonder if he hadn't been sucking my energy.

But, I finished in my goal time of 6:03 by the course clock which includes the pit stops. All in all, a satisfactory day.



Day 2

Again we are there at 5 am. Lightening in the distance. The race director mentions that we should seek cover if the storm gets close. I don't know any runner which would make the right choice without being told. But, the storm didn't get very close and the rain didn't get hardly more than a sprinkle. I ran mostly alone until about 17 miles. Then my friend Mathew suddenly showed up. I was so happy to see him I tried to hug his sweaty body. Mathew is a 73 year old Indian. I don't know much about him but I enjoy talking to him during races.

It became hot again towards the end of the race. But even so, I had an inkling. I knew at the end of day 2 that I would be back. Despite all my ego's desire to just high tail it back to Houston in the middle of the night and not finish day 3; I knew. Very quiet was that knowing. I finished in 6:01 by the course clock which includes pit stops.



I went back to my hotel room. I realized that I had just finished 2 marathons without any real physical problems. That, in and of itself is amazing. I had no excuse about tomorrow. If I didn't do it, I'd have to make up something to tell others.

I sat there with my Paul Brunton book and tried to listen. I got some intuitive thoughts.

The first thing was to just pretend I am doing a third marathon, but not really commit. So I repaired my tape jobs, rubbed my legs with muscle rub, got my things organized.

Then came a truly monumental thought. "Why don't you let go? Why don't you let the universe worry about Houston traffic?" OMG! Why don't I? The inner experience is about the decision to let some higher consciousness worry about traffic during the drive home. It turns out, I drove home in record time. Many drivers seemed to think 87 mph was a good speed. (more about letting go below)

Next there was another mind altering thought. How would you feel about yourself as you drove past the race site on your way out of town. Wouldn't your ego immediately attack you with tons of thoughts about how stupid you are and what are you going to say to others? The mind altering thought was a decision.. A decision that a DNF (did not finish) would be better than a DNS (did not start). Check out the picture of the shirt I got at an emotional race 3 years ago. My honor was involved. My honor is totally about the inner essence of me, my quest for my higher consciousness. I actually didn't have the energy to make excuses for my sorry self. It would be much easier to run a marathon.

Day 3

Again it is warm and humid with thunder storms around. As I started the race, I realized than nothing hurt. I had no pains of any kind. So, I took off the brakes and began really running. I mean what the heck, its the last day. I kept to the 3x2s, but during the run, I was really running. I felt great! I was making great time.

As I was getting to mile 20, I thought, "You can't tell me I'm not an athlete." What an athlete, 3 days of marathons and still strong! I was in the zone. I never know how or when I'll get in the zone. But when it happens, I fly with no effort at all. I finished in 5:33 by the course clock which includes pit stops.

I had solved my ego problems with spiritual solutions. First, to let go and let something higher be in control of everything. Second to honor my integrity. These decisions tell me about my higher self. They tell me the truth of my being.

Day 3 finisher picture taken with a sweaty cell phone.



The inner experience is about how I feel now: sort of special? Awed at myself. Dis-belief that I ran so well on day 3. How maybe the three days was like being pushed through a birth canal. I was reborn. It is not that I prayed and the universe did what I wanted. It is that I let go of trying to control so I lived in harmony. The miracle was that I ended up at the starting line on the third day only to discover that I was filled with positive energy. I got to the starting line, not by self will, but by letting go. Then I felt guided all day. This is not about God but about a higher consciousness. The quest is about discovering essence not about defining God. So in letting go, I allowed higher consciousness.

PMA

Positive Mental Attitude.

I had PMA on Wednesday. First time that I can remember for a long time. It was only for 1 day.

I am just now learning how deeply co-dependence has affected my life and how it currently affects my mental outlook. The boss was snarky towards me in an e-mail. Part of my current learning is to realize that his attitude shouldn't govern my feelings about myself. Instead of taking it in stride, I want to kill myself. Yes, I was raised by an alcoholic and a deviant. I came squirting out of childhood with a diagnosis of PTSD. Only now do I really get how this has affected my life.

For instance, in the past, I've gone and got a new job for the smallest level of snarkiness that happened to show up in my boss's e-mail this week.

So, if I need to run marathons and practice fitness in all ways, it is just to stay alive.

I ran my 58th marathon last Saturday.

I finished sooner than 6 other little old ladies and won the Master's division. I was quite surprised to win. Usually, I get an award when I'm the only one in that category. And "Master's" encompassed women 17 years younger than me.

It is summer in Houston. Where I live, it might not go below 75F and extreme humidity until October. Every run is sweaty and not very fast. But this morning, I really enjoyed 6.6 miles in a park. It was just really great.

I am relieved to think that I'm only signed up for marathons for the rest of the year. No ultras.

Seabrook Lucky Trails

Boy, did I get lucky today. In the zone.

First of all, through some quirk of weather, it did not rain in Seabrook Friday night. But a cold front did pass through so that this morning was actually cool and dry.

Second, this race is a 3 minute drive from my house. No I didn't run to the start as there is a highway in between my house and the park. But I went there about an hour early in order to get a parking spot where I wanted. Then, I sat in the car doing some spiritual study. At an appropriate time, I headed to a certain bush to take care of business. Then I walked to the start area and chatted with a friend.

Shivering! Unheard of on Galveston Bay in March. Lovely.

Back up a moment. I didn't plan for this marathon to be any kind of fast time for me. In fact, I jog walked 12 miles yesterday as part of a 50 mile race training plan. And my Garmin was set on 6x1; so obviously no plan to be a speed demon today.

But well.....

It was cool. I started running comfortably; which turned out to be 10.5 minute miles. I decided not to take any walk breaks the first lap (4 lap race). I took a pit stop after the first lap just cuz it was there. I kept on going at that pace. Don't ask me why. It just felt good. I finished the second lap, half marathon, with another pit stop in 2:15. Whoa!

Third lap, I did start the walk breaks. But I gave myself permission to run as fast as I felt like it during the 6 minute run intervals. During the third lap, I caught up with my friend Robert and walked with him a little. Then buzzed on.

It was incredible. I felt so good. During the last lap, I kept the pressure in. I knew I could finish fast without hurting anything. I did it! A new post surgery, post menopause Personal Best: 4h41 by chip. 4h38 by garmin (doesn't have the pit stops). By the chip time, I broke 11 min miles for a marathon. Wow! I never run that fast in training so I don't know how I did it today.

Memorable moments: the sunrise over the bay was beautiful, I said hi to several people I knew.

During this race, I decided my fate in December. I signed up again for the Texas marathon. My reward for today was to get a new pair of shoes out of the closet to prepare for my next race.

In Texas, we have alot of marathons and many people who go in as many races as they can. I like to see the regulars: old, slow, fast, determined. I am among them. This year so far, I have finished 6 marathons. Two of these were in the zone and very enjoyable. The other 4 required determination.

Post Marathon Mortem

I've inspected the splits and assessed myself. I've bought a picture from the course photographer. I did a workout yesterday. I got up this morning for work. Marathon weekend over.

I prayed alot this morning about my mental condition. I wish I wasn't such a negative person. I wish my head wasn't so full of resentments. Spiritual tools are all I have for that problem. I needed a miracle. My work resentments were so powerful all weekend. The miracles I wanted was to let them go. And so this morning, I gleaned power from my spiritual study and took some words to protect me.

After I got to work, I forgot mostly about the slip of paper in my pocket with the words. I also forgot about my resentments. I actually cannot, even now this evening, remember what the big deal was. This is somehow the Course in Miracles way of escaping the dream of fear by overlooking it.

I've been thanking my higher self for that. My request now is for humility and gratitude. And gratitude I can take charge of and complete actions. I can get on my knees, but I don't know if I will find humility there. I sense I need ego deflation.

I have a cold. Other than congestion however, I don't feel that bad. Only problem is I don't feel that much like eating either. So, green stuff didn't get cooked. But I ate several mandarin oranges. Yum!

Saturday of Agitation

First off, here is a great picture of me finishing the USA Fit marathon:

What about agitation? Well, I had a really great and fast 1h42 min run this morning; but had to stop to get to a 10 am commitment. After that appointment, I didn't make it back out for more miles as I realized that I just HAD to get some chores done. So I got the groceries, washed the car, got a haircut. Then, I needed a meal of real food. Agitation instead of miles.

Agitation because the need for those chores was bothering me. But work is bothering me. The idea came up that I should supervise people. Many people would celebrate being put in charge. Me? Terror! No! I am a subject matter expert. I am a nice person and well liked or I wouldn't be considered for management. Managing people is like a hot stove of emotional pain. I'd go home every night pissed off at the people. But I also don't want negative repercussions since I don't want to take on the people.

At this point, I needed what I read in "As Bill Sees It" today: "In the radiance of this prayer we see that defeat, rightly accepted, need be no disaster. We now know that we do not have to run away, nor ought we again try to overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive..." My defeat is admitted my fear of managing people. Yes, I thought about quitting my job; and am relieved it doesn't have to be a disaster. I can turn it over and trust Spirit.

While I was running I was thinking about how I will train for a 50 mile race in May. When would I fit in some uber long runs?

Here is a 50 mile training plan. Whew, I don't really need to do a 50k training run. In fact, my current racing schedule is more aggressive because of the marathons I'm entered in. About 5 weeks before my 50 mile run, I have Easter long weekend. I'll do some big training. I'm not racing the weekend of the 28 mile run. Hope the weather is good.

USA Fit Marathon - report

This morning I woke up at 3 am. Well, the alarm was set for 3:15. Did my spiritual study and then headed out of the hotel at 4:45. I was parked at the race by 5. This was just to ensure a parking spot. I read a book in car. I thought about the race. I realized I felt fear. 

At 6 I went over to the portas. They had cute signs on them telling people not to mess them all up. There were still long lines of cars trying to get into the parking lot. Um, too late folks.

Then I was wandering around the start area and ended up talking to my friend Mathew. This seemed like a big race, though mainly due to a huge number of half marathoners. 

Suddenly, it was time to start, 6:30. It was still dark. I started jogging. The first interesting thing was I saw a midget runner. No joke. The woman was about 3 feet tall; and wearing a head scarf. Amazing. There is also a running club called "Black Girls Run Houston". Don't know why but seeing them in their shirts in a little group caused me to tear up.  Besides Mathew, I saw David, Donna, Huan, Yen, Karen, and a number of familiar faces of people whose names I don't know. 

This race turned out to be really boring. A beautiful subdivision. Good traffic control by actual cops. Good aid stations. But mainly just out and back on a 4 lane road, 2 laps.

The first lap I jogged at 11 min miles. Starting into the second lap, it became warm and I was sweating. I started 7x1s. Luckily the wind came up and also it became cloudy. That saved the day. 

Still this seemed like a tough race. Maybe that was mental. My fear seemed to relate to the pounding. I was working way harder than I do in training runs. Marathoning in and of itself is a popular sport in Texas. Many people race frequently, as I do, though not as much as others. Every marathon causes me to find out what I am made of, the most important moment being when I head out into the second half. It wasn't until the second lap that I got in a zone; just running, no mind games. In this race, there was a timing mat at mile 22.5 (on the second lap). It was killer as it was at the end of a dead end street and hot by then. I guess marathoning is as meaningful as any other activity that anyone does. If part of my task as a human is to add something to the stream of life, then marathoning works for me. But it is a participation event, not a race.

In the second lap, it was a lonely race. Only 244 marathoners; with the walkers starting 2 hours early.

In the end, Mathew came in a little behind me after leading for 25 miles. 5:08 chip time includes 2 pit stops. Still, 11:4x per mile. 6/24 in F50-59. If they had the 55-59 ag, I would have been 2nd. Ha! What did I just say about participation not a race?