On Love

 This morning, I was reading an essay by a philosopher, Bertrand Russell, in his book of essays "Why I am not a Christian." The particular essay is entitled The Good Life.  "Love is a word which covers a variety of feelings...Love is an emotion...on one side pure contemplation; on the other, pure benevolence." 

Suddenly it struck me, as my mind flashed on Jesus' saying "God is love."

God is an emotion. My mind expanded into the universe. 

Abraham always says, "There is great love here for you." Abraham is non-physical energy communicating through one woman. But Abraham is also teaching people about how to connect with higher consciousness. When Abraham says that there is great love for us in non-physical consciousness, what do I take that to mean? Abraham has helped me to deliberately and consciously choose how I want to feel at any given moment. Love is a feeling. God is love. There is great love here for me. Non-physical is here. I am a sentient being. What does love feel like? Love is a variety of feelings. Love is non-physical here in the material world too.

Love is a confusing word. Did my parents love me? Coming from a troubled home, I didn't have that experience. I don't have a husband or children, so I don't know what that type of love means. I love dogs.

In 12 Step groups, people often have difficulty with the idea of God. They really don't want anything to do with it, and this thinking is the biggest defeat of Alcoholics Anonymous. In step 3 we are to turn our will and our life over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Elsewhere, the textbook of AA calls that power "God as we understood Him." Religion fouls people up because they are seeking a personality, an entity, or a voice to turn their will and their life over to. In my thinking this morning, I thought, "Holy shit! God is an emotion. In this word, there are big implications." We get out of obsessing for alcohol or drugs by getting out of ourselves, usually by a benevolent act, like helping another. 

Love is a word. God is love. Love is an emotion or a variety of feelings ranging from pure contemplation to pure benevolence. I am a sentient being. Sentient means I am aware of feelings. I can feel. Love is a feeling. My consciousness is mainly made of the translation of feelings. Thoughts come after feelings. That is, I feel and then I have a thought about how that feeling came to exist. Love is a feeling. God is love. Love exists as a feeling. Love is never a thing or an entity. God is never a thing or an entity. 

I can deliberately think and feel my way into love. Contemplate nature or help someone. Feel the feelings.

Geek out on this for crying out loud. It is amazing to have the door open to love and God and the greatness of everything.

Bad Ass Marathon

I have a friend who thinks I am a bad ass. I haven't known how to respond to that since I don't feel like a bad ass.

However....after today, maybe I do.

Wouldn't someone who has run, as of today, 100 marathons in her life be a bad ass? Or who ran a 100 mile race? Or became a millionaire? Or who finished monastic formation? Or successfully accomplished FIRE (financial independence retire early)? Or who had been sober for 34 years? Or hold down a job at Starbucks at the age of 62? Or, many other things I have accomplished in this life.

So, someone who completed a 600+ mile virtual race across Tennessee, in half the allotted time, ought to be a bad ass. 

Well, a few days ago, I did the math and saw that I was getting down to the end of my race across Tennessee.  A tiny thought went through my mind, "Do a marathon to finish it off." Along side of this impending finish was the fact that I had failed to complete a virtual marathon during April because when I had got to 22 miles, my feet hurt and I quit because a virtual race didn't mean anything.

Well that is a good idea: finish off a 600+ mile/ 2 month effort with a celebration by running a marathon. Be a bad ass! But also, I felt a little resistance because of that failure in April. Should I try this again? I didn't want to feel like a failure again. I haven't done that many miles in one run for awhile. Can I do it?

To sign up for the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee was an impulse from my inner being to begin with. It felt so right. And, 20,000 other people, and some dogs, have joined me. My success at carrying out the project was effected by alignment with my inner being. My energy was lined up with my inner being and momentum was generated to complete the project. In fact, I have been obsessed with getting miles every day, even walking on the treadmill to complete miles in the afternoon after a shift at work.

But, to do a marathon by myself, I needed more than a vague idea. I needed to strongly intend to do it. I needed emotional momentum. I needed to line my energy up with the idea. This means some practical activities like getting all my drinks ready the night before. Taping my toes. Setting my alarm clock. It is hot here so a person has to get up early to finish running a marathon. Still, I had to sit down with my journal last night and explore my fears. I had to complete a focus wheel to raise my vibration in relation to the idea. I had to segment intend by remembering how I felt during a 50 mile race last November when I had been in the zone and finished trouble free. I had to think honestly about this upcoming segment and my intentions for it. Was the idea an ego idea that would fail or an inner being idea which would succeed? It is up to me to decide and then  line up with the energy. These energy activities are to experience the success in advance so it is the cause. 

The alarm went off at 4 am. I did have to decide at that point whether to get out of bed. That has happened before too, not making it out of bed I mean. But I did get the idea of how I would feel if I completed a marathon versus how I would feel if I went back to sleep. I remembered how good it feels to run in the early morning coolness. I chose getting up.

I had a cup of coffee. The bad ass idea went across my mind. A bad ass has to get up early if she wants to do a bad ass thing. I did a meditation on physical well being. I felt much better. I felt like I just needed to be easy about it. I grabbed my hydro pack out of the refrigerator and made it out the door by 5 am.

I had planned to complete the marathon in two parts. First running from my front door and then going to a park with many trees during the hotter part. The first part went super well. It went so well that I extended it to 18.3 miles before getting back to home base. It was mostly cloudy and I felt appreciation that such a cool morning had been given to me. 

When I got home, it was still cloudy and I had to decide where to complete the run. To go back out from my house or go to the park. I thought about how clouds can suddenly vanish and I thought about how much easier it is to run in the shade. I picked the shade. So I hopped in my car and drove the two miles to the park. Good choice. The clouds did disappear and by the time I had finished off the final eight miles, it was 87F. Course map (the straight line from green dot to hash mark is in the car, but not included in miles):

What surprised me however was that my feet and legs didn't reach any devastating level of pain. For the run, I had plenty of emotional momentum to keep going, but also, I wasn't in trouble with blisters. I didn't bonk.My feet didn't hurt. My hip didn't hurt. It was amazing. It has been a long time since I have felt so in the zone for a long distance effort. 

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee is now complete. I will finish in roughly 1,590th place of 20,000. I feel like a bad ass.

Check out my run on Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/3684757639

I have the corona virus to thank for my amazing athletic feats of the past 3 months. Without corona there wouldn't be these virtual races. Actually, the corona virus has been very good to me. Everything about me is thriving at the moment. My mode of existence has shifted. There are many people who are doing amazing things during this corona virus time. Not everybody is worried about sickness. Just look around you and you will see them.

Stay tuned. I have another virtual race coming in two weeks. It includes a 50k race which has to be done in one effort. 

The Great Rebooting

This corona time is a time of rebooting, not pandemic.

I have been participating in a series of conversations at Abraham Now. It has been incredible. Abraham was talking about this being a time of rebooting. You know, the computer gets glitchy, and locks up, so you reboot and it starts working fine again? Now, during this time of social distancing and time off work, is a time when you can restart you life: body, mind and spirit. Not new software but return to the software you came with. So...I've been doing my spiritual practices in isolation and receiving from non-physical. Then...

Holy eff! I woke up this morning rebooted.

What does rebooting mean?

Rebooting means: Rebooting is to suddenly have this original understanding of my self-conscious mind/ego default network plus the deep mind/primary consciousness plus the inner being/spiritual consciousness equaling a unity of being. I suddenly woke up this morning with a self-conscious/ego mind willing to understand that it is a receiver. Rebooting means that my ego I has been unseated, no longer alone as an I, but now I am a whole system of a being.

Rebooting means that I suddenly am able to sit quietly in meditation without the continuous checking by the self conscious mind: am I doing it yet? Am I enlightened yet? Suddenly, I am trusting and believing that my self conscious mind will receive thoughts as needed because I am at one with the greater part of me. "Meditation" is for quietly sitting in communion with the other parts of me; not about achieving enlightenment.

My ego mind is accepting the role of self-consciousness as a receiver from the greater system and not angry about the threshold place beyond which the self-conscious mind  really can't go. I just need to stand at the door and what I need will come. It is not a door to keep me out but a transition place for receiving thoughts into physical reality.  My whole world is turned upside down by this understanding. I've been seeing everything backwards and been pissed off about it.

I can trust this. The trusting is is important. Previously, I was unwilling to accept the role. Unwilling because my self-conscious ego mind thought it was somehow less than, and so was fighting to become something more than it is. Being a receiver doesn't mean that I, ego, am less than anything; it means I am part of a system. In this acceptance of being part of a system, I have access to the whole system. Rebooting is that now I am accepting and understanding all of me, and appreciating that the whole of my consciousness is always available, always standing at the door. I'm not pissed off that self-consciousness can't go through the door. So, really, there is no door. Just receive and be happy. I am whole (suddenly brought to tears of appreciation).

All this without LSD. Amazing!

The Stream of Well Being

There is a stream of well being in the universe. It is easy to pause a moment, think the words "stream of well being," and feel well being begin to flow through you.

It feels good to tap into the stream of well being. I can tap in first thing in the morning and have a good feeling day, regardless of circumstances. It is easy for me to imagine this stream of well being as a consciousness and to have a relationship with it. It is easy for me to let the stream of well being be my higher power. It is easy for me to imagine riding the stream, even laughing with joy as we go together along my life's path. The Stream of Well-Being is a spiritual resource. Let it flow.

In my life, I have had several phases. These phases were marked by periods of time where I lived in a certain place or worked for a certain company. Last night I had a dream about one of these past phases. In the dream, I coincidentally bumped into some people of that phase. I hoped they would mention me to their cohort and that I'd be asked to come back. This line of thinking caused me to wonder how much I want my life of two weeks ago back. And then, was I grateful enough for it when I had it?

Rather than go down a black hole of feeling bad because I wasn't grateful enough in the past, I changed the channel and began to truly feel appreciation for the now. If I want to feel better, I change the channel to the running channel and what is coming up on the horizon. Then expand to appreciation for spiritual inner resources, or non-physical powers active in my life right now. I appreciate a teaching on how to feel joy regardless of circumstances. Spontaneous appreciation feels good. It felt so good to have appreciation after appreciation flow out of me, for all that the universe or my inner spiritual resource has done for me.

Remember the stream of well being.

I am going to sign up for a virtual 100 mile challenge. The time period is the last few days before I will return to work, a grand finale to this paid corona-cation. I can get a belt buckle. I love those running belt buckles.

Sooth Yourself into Well Being

It seems like I face anxiousness early in the mornings. Then it is my job to consciously create thoughts which feel better. This morning I used and exercise from "Ask and It Is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I wrote out all of these thoughts on physical well being. You can do it too to feel better. Also, don't look at the news over and over during the day. Once is enough, and later in the day, but not just before bed.

Here are some good thoughts:

"It is natural for my body to be well.
Even if I don't know what to do in order to get better, my body does.
I have trillions of cells with individual Consciousness,, and they know how to achieve their individual balance.
When this condition began, I didn't know what I know now.
If I had known then what I know now, this condition couldn't have gotten started.
I don't need to understand the cause of this illness.
I don't need to explain how it is that I am experiencing this illness.
I have only to gently, eventually, release this illness.
It doesn't matter that it got started, because its reversing course right now.
Its natural that it would take some time for my body to align to my improved thoughts of Well Being.
There's no hurry about any of this.
My body knows what to do.
Well-Being is natural to me.
My Inner Being is intricately aware of my physical body.
My cells are asking for what they need in order to thrive, and Source Energy is answering those requests.
I'm in very good hands.
I will relax now, to allow communication between my body and my Source.
My only work is to relax and breathe.
I can do that.
I can do that easily."


So... I wrote out all these sentences and sat quietly for a moment. My breathing became calm. The tiny birds came to sit in my bush. I felt peace.

Letter - March 22, 2020

It is a Sunday and rainy and cold. It means that my run will be in a  rain suit. I can do it.

I am feeling incredibly blessed at the moment. A situation came up yesterday over which I felt powerless given the current environment of distancing. But also, a solution arrived. The solution arrived after I practiced conscious creation. I was wowed by the Universe's response. Such a path of least resistance. And, I have taken a hot shower and washed my hair, so of course I feel good.

Yesterday was also an amazing day. I went to my Starbucks store because I had to log in on a company computer. While there, my store manager sent me on 30 days paid leave. I was amazed that she didn't even ask me if I wanted. Then later in the day, Starbucks Corp. decided to close our store completely. Every barista is being given 30 days paid leave. That is amazing and wonderful.

Yesterday was a sunny day. I ran 5 miles. Then later, I walked 7 miles. During my later walk, lots of people in the neighborhood were outside. At one house, a wine party was going on in the front driveway. Law chairs carefully placed in a semi-circle and socially distanced. Each person had a glass of wine, and they were visiting with all of us who walked by.

Yesterday, I listened to the first hour of Abraham Live. It was amazing. I almost cried as I listened to the opening music. I was so touched by the presence of my own inner spiritual resource. Abraham stresses that we all have our own source of spiritual connection. We all can tap into the powerful shower of well being which is that if we focus on it.

Our mayor sent out a news release, a stay at home order. Only essential trips. We'll see how that goes.

I am working on my writing projects. Editing one book which is in first draft. Working on character development and scenes for another book. Writing "Morning Pages." Focusing on being a full time writer. Making sure that ink gets put on paper. I find that I have turned on my brain and creativity is flowing. My advice for the next month of isolation: turn on your brain and listen for creative ideas. They will come from within.

Letters - Day 2

I didn't sleep well last night. I guess thats because I slept really well and too much the night before. In any case, I was up a little earlier today. During my morning meditation, I also got the quinoa cooked in the instant pot.

Yesterday I didn't listen to the news at all. I fasted from Corona.

My brain was trying to decide if I wanted to return to work and when, if ever. Having a few days away from Starbucks is the perfect opportunity to stop and think. I added up all my savings which I hadn't done since the market fell. I harvested my money out of the market before it fell and got it into some CDs before they also fell. So I was curious to see where I am now. I still have dollars above set point. So, financially, Starbucks is not needed. Starbucks is needed for intangible reasons. Reasons I can't fully explain but they have to do with fun and joy and endorphin rushes. So I let my manager know I was planning on coming back. I could feel this decision for sure in my guts. Also, Starbucks has stopped allowing any public in the lobby, drive up only, so that makes the job safer. It is weird that when I had a lucrative career I always wanted more time off work and to get away from work. Now, I don't pay any attention at all to time off work because I live a very daily life. That is, do I work today or not. One day at a time, never focused on how little vacation I have.

I took a seven mile walk in neighborhoods around where I live. It is very cold and windy today, 21F wind chill. But the sun did come out.

I first became interested in Corona when I heard about the Diamond Princess. The Diamond Princess was the cruise ship anchored off Yokohama and not allowed to disembark. They had Corona on board and the Japanese decided to quarantine the ship. It was to me an interesting example of class structure in our society. The rich first world passengers were quarantined in their cabins but the servant crew, many third worlders, were still serving and not quarantined at all. The passengers got Corona despite being in their cabins. America is wearing these shoes now. The salaried class took their lap tops and went home while the worker class continues to work. The salaried class keeps their salaries and benefits despite not working while the worker class needs to work or else lose all. The salaried class is driving around going shopping while the worker class is manning the stores. That was a very funny thing to discuss at Starbucks since the managers were making decisions about what was safe for baristas while sitting at home not facing any risks themselves. So far however, Starbucks has been good to baristas.

Then Corona went to other parts of the world. Then to other parts of the US. Then a little bit here in fly over country. I am a student of Abraham Hicks. Today I listened to a tape which absolutely helped me find a reality separate from Corona reality. I absolutely can focus on things important to me in a positive sense, not in a disease sense. I can decondition my habitual thinking. I can get my mind off the conditions around me and on something else.  I can include less of "it" now. I create my own reality out of my thoughts, which I get to choose. How I feel about the choices is my feed back for whether I was in alignment with my Inner Being.

Spring is coming. The trees are barely in bud.

I went for a walk with a friend.

When I am not working out, I am reading the Lightbringer series by Brent Weeks. I work on my own writing. I signed up for online Abraham Now series.

Letters - Day 1

Dear Friend,
Yesterday I decided to take advantage of my employer's (Starbucks) offer of 14 days pay if you want to self isolate. I started my time by sleeping 10 hours. I will go running in a bit. Then I had time to sit at my kitchen table, watch the little birds sitting in my bush, watch the rain come down and write in my journal.

Truly though, it became clear to me that the purpose of this mini-vacation was to practice leading edge consciousness. My life has totally been about connection with the spiritual source within. I have at times called it Higher Self, The Christ Within, Soul, or Inner Being. The consciousness of this power was strong within me this morning as I realized that leading edge thinkers are necessary, always but especially at this time. I have been granted time away from making lattes and bacon goudas to concentrate my thought on well being and peace.

“The physical being that you define as ‘you’ stands on the Leading Edge of thought, while Consciousness, which is really your Source, pours through you” (Ask and It Is Given, Esther and Jerry Hicks, page 13).

Stop and think of this definition of Consciousness and Source. Realize your higher power flowing through you in this way. Feel the flow of spiritual energy. Allow the flow of spiritual energy. There is no better, or other, reason for being alive but to allow this flow of Consciousness and go with it.

As I meditated this morning, I felt so grateful to the Universe for the abundance of time, solitude and peaceful energy flow. I felt my body tingle as I knew that Source had been with me all through my life and is now too.

We can think about whatever we want to think about. We can step aside from mass consciousness for periods of time and choose our reality. We all have this ability. It is so powerful to realize the implications of this practice.

A Valley

Here is more of my story. Writing it on this blog might help me figure it out. It relates to Law of Attraction, alignment with my inner being, and finding my way to a new vibration.

Being in a spiritual valley can be a good thing as it causes you to look at what you have been doing and make changes for the future.

Nov 8/9, I ran a 50 mile race. The race it self was an experience of being in the zone. It was so easy to accomplish. And the drive home featured a magnificent sunset which seemed like the Universe winking at me in joy. I mention this because it was the top of a mountain experience. I've since fallen off. 

I took off work the day after the race (Sunday). Monday and Tuesday I had shifts at Starbucks. These turned out to be difficult as my physical resources were largely depleted, and I had a couple of blisters which made time on my feet painful. Also, after a conversation with one of the shift managers, I made my decision to quit working at Starbucks. 

When I talked to the store manager about quitting, she didn't want me to quit, especially for my reasons: feeling disrespected and worn out. So, I didn't quit, only reduced the number of hours by more than half. But I also had two more weeks of survival mode. Survival mode is how I've survived getting to work at 4:30 am four days a week for the past year. I sort of knew I was in it, but didn't consciously ask myself about it. I just did it. Well, survival mode had been feeling worse and worse. Like everyday asking myself, "How am I going to get through today?"  As I looked at Thanksgiving week, coming off 4 days of work in a row and going into 3 more days after Thanksgiving, plus going to the monastery for Thanksgiving, I knew I dreaded the whole thing. So I got a cold. Trying to manage the cold and go to work (after Thanksgiving) meant overdosing on cold medicine. Bad mistake. I got a sinus infection.

Now, this week (Dec 2) is the first week of reduced hours, only two shifts of 5.5 hours. I felt free the moment I got out of the last long shift (Tuesday). I felt my focus move from Starbucks to writing and conscious creation. That was yesterday (Wednesday) morning. But, God, my head was still full of gunk, bad gunk. However, the guidance I got from my inner being, since I was meditating instead of going to work, was to look on google for remedies for a sinus infection (since doctors are powerless over virus's). I learned about sinus rinsing, and apple cider vinegar. Wild horses could not have stopped me from enacting sinus rinsing. I felt that push of alignment with my inner being. I know, I felt it over an unspiritual thing like a  sinus infection but it really felt like spiritual alignment. I obtained the materials at CVS and have tried it 3 times. Now at least the mucus is fluid and clear.

This morning (Thursday), I finished another chapter of my spiritual writing, four now done. Then I looked at the title page, which I have not looked at for months. I realized that I like the title alot. "A THOUSAND MEDITATIONS -- For Addicts and Other Humans" I have 3 more chapters to edit and write introductions. That is a bit of work. I feel good about getting it done.

I still think that phase 3 of my life is in a valley, not yet climbing very far up the mountain. I feel much happier with Starbucks off my mind and not a focus. Being sick has caused me to pause. I ask for guidance for each next step. Abraham says,"I'll never get it done." This saying means, I am an extension of Source energy, an eternal being, and so there is always more. I want to understand more about being a vibrational being. I have the space in my life to focus on my inner being.

So, I am in a valley but looking forward to climbing another mountain. I don't know what the next mountain is, but I know it is there.

Man I Feel Good

This morning was another early morning at Starbucks. Today I worked the whole time on the front, which means I served the face to face walk in customers, made coffee and helped with food. After a 6.5 hour shift, driving home, man I felt so happy. I worked hard and feel happy. Incredible!

But before that, I got up at 3 am in order to have time to connect with my spirit before going to work. My spiritual reading was of my own writings. Well, actually editing my own writings. But also musing the spirituality of it, and talking to my higher self about it. I remembered a key point to my whole retirement. I wanted to be alive, that is, know I am alive while I am alive and experience the aliveness of it.

For some reason, I didn't feel this while I had a career.

Starbucks is a great place to feel alive.

Abraham Hicks (check it out on YouTube) has helped me to choose happiness. "I am happy because I want to be happy." I try to set an intention or a feeling of joy before I go to work. It is a very subtle feeling that I find before work. But after work, the happy feeling was 100 times more than my pre-paving. Obviously felt, and I still feel it now hours later.

I even got to teach it today. One of the guys likes to say he is only plastering on his happy face and doesn't really feel happy. I told him it was up to him and didn't buy into the culture of not being happy or not wanting to be at work.

I like feeling happy. I have decided to feel happy. And so I feel happy.

I also love myself now. Growing up in an alcoholic home, there was no chance of being taught how to love yourself, regardless of the other people. Abraham Hicks helped with this also.

Most humans, talking the first worlders now, aren't happy. I wasn't happy for most of my life even with an engineering career. I wasn't really alive either. I mainly survived each workday, could hardly wait to leave. I didn't know how to be alive and didn't know how to choose how I feel. Is there something about today's white collar corporate or financial jobs that makes this very difficult? While working at Starbucks makes this very easy?

It could have something to do with sitting at a desk for eight hours staring at a computer. That could be why there is a FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) movement. These FIRE  people know they hate their white collar jobs, but these are the jobs that pay alot. So, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

In other news:
Monday I ran very fast for 13.25 miles.
Tuesday I did a slow 13 miles.
Wednesday rode the elliptical for 35 minutes. And worked.
Thursday I hill walked for 7 miles. And worked
Friday I ran medium speed 10 miles.
Saturday I rode the elliptical for 50 minutes and lifted weights. And worked.

The Difference

There is a difference between real life and romanticized life. I am only now realizing that all books I've read romanticize life. YouTube romanticizes life. I am living real life.

It is the eve of my 60th birthday. Who ever thought a person could be 60? I remember when I was 39 and wondered if it was okay for 39 year old ladies to climb rocks in Death Valley. Well, now I am 60 and still doing what I think 60 years olds shouldn't be able to do.

I got up at 4 and did my writing and meditation. This was followed by 30 minutes of rowing. Then I got cleaned up and went to work. Starbucks got slammed today. So, I not only did alot of lifting but tons of running around: 3.5 miles inside the store. Lifting? Yeah, buckets of ice, gallons of milk (4 at a time), buckets of cold brew (14 liters), coffee urns, trash bags that weight 20 pounds, getting boxes down off the top shelf, etc. To be honest, I am proud that a 60 year old can do this job.

Then, to the grocery store (like everyone else in KC) because a snow store is coming. Get gasoline. Come home to rest a bit and read. Do some of my own writing. Get on the elliptical for 35 minutes and then 25 minutes of weight lifting and core. Then a bowl of vegetables, rice and beans; topped off with a Vega shake.

Yep, pretty proud of my physical self. What is more important is how I feel on the inside. I am happy on the inside; mainly because Abraham Hicks taught me how to feel happy regardless of what is going on in the material world. See most people think only a loser would work at Starbucks. And why quit a 6 figure engineering job and go work at Starbucks?  Well, it is only a part time job, so I get to see sunshine and walk/run in the park in the sun very regularly. I run alot, and better now than when I lived in Texas; mostly because I am not suffering from heat related illness half the time. And they have hills here. I love hills.

Starbucks is a spiritual tool. With the challenges of the job, I practice happiness. Don't think that washing dishes and shoveling ice is a glamour job. Its not. Taking out the garbage can be very nasty yucky. Strangely, some part of my energy system relishes this job. I get energy in some way, even though I get exhausted in another way. I wonder if sitting in an office doing engineering is somehow bad for the soul; and that is why having a physical job is energizing. It is a luxury to be able to afford to work at a menial job.

What am I like at 60? Pretty proud. Also, appreciative of not only my life, but life itself. Life.period is a 60 year old woman lifting weights even though she did all that lifting at Starbucks. Life.period is spending time in contemplation and writing; a relationship with the inner depths. Life.period is spending the afternoon watching it snow.

At 60, I must still be pretty smart and well respected. The district manager for H&R Block picked me as one of only 5 first year associates to be eligible for a plus status. That is, I had to test up to become eligible for a bonus. I passed the test yesterday.

I have 33 years of sobriety and I am still active, as well as loving, AA. I love being in a fellowship with new people, as well as people I've known for 33 years. Being sober is the thing I am most grateful for in this life. Having a sober adult life is such a blessing. I came back to KC to be with these long time friends; heck, I even have a god mother here. I have sisters; monastic sisters that is. They say they are my family and they invite me home for the holidays.

Here is a picture of me and my sister at Christmas:

I am creative and learning to be a writer. Yes, I have 2 writing projects which I continually plug away at. I find that reading my writing is pretty fascinating.

I have downsized. The Honda van is gone; replaced with a Civic. The townhouse is smaller than what I had in Texas; but it does have a brand new heat pump system.

I have always planned to work in retirement. Retirement only meant I ditched my career so I could do what I want. I am more active, far busier and more social. My engineering job was somehow exhausting. 

So, eat healthy, exercise alot, get outside. Continuously seek Spirit: she is with you always. Amen!

Still-life with Flowered Cup

I've been trying to live beyond the material world. That is, I want to more deeply experience the feelings of life; not so focused on material things. Let me try to say that again: Before any experience, there was the thoughts and feelings which created a point of attraction. Then, something happens in the material world. Stop looking at what is, is what Abraham would say. Specifically, I am trying to remember unconditional gratitude. That is feeling grateful just for my being, not for any material world things. I want to feel unconditional gratitude and then see what the law of attraction brings.

You see that this is a backward approach, right? Most people list things they are grateful for. I want to list feelings of gratitude, joy appreciation, satisfaction; and then see what the things are. For this exercise, my job at Starbucks is perfect. You never know what will be going on in any day or how you will feel about it. It would be normal for me to spend all day pissed off because I am the lowest of the crew and get stuck with the most menial of positions. But truly, I don't want to live my life like that. I chose that job. My working is purposeful. At the moment, I'm using the job as a tool to access my inner being, or higher consciousness if you will. I really really want to know my higher self and have been engaged in the process of knowing for right on 30 years or more.

So yesterday, I was focused on unconditional gratitude as the shift manager ragged on me all day about do this and do that. I could have felt sorry for myself and hated her. A victory is that I didn't feel bad about myself for all that negative attention. I just kept completing each task and doing the job her way. I kept remembering UNCONDITIONAL. I want to feel gratitude unconditionally. I want to feel gratitude even though this shift manager is ragging on me. Unconditional.

Towards the end of the shift, I noticed a box of merchandise which wouldn't go out to the public until Tuesday. In the box was a very pretty travel cup (see above). I HAD to have that cup. So pretty! I found out that it would ring up for me, I got my 30% discount, used a gift card to pay, got enough stars for a free reward drink.

I came home and made coffee for my new travel mug. I felt unbounded joy; like somehow, all that gratitude had made a point of attraction for this pretty cup to enter my life. No really. It was a joy to realize that the cup reflected a gift from my inner being; and feel like my inner being loves me. And I felt that much "bigger" situations could be handled in exactly the same way. Feeling unbounded joy was the point, because it brought awareness of conscious creation, alignment with Source, the true feeling of my higher self for me.

After my shift, I got off at 11 am, I rested a bit and went to the park to run. It was a warm sunny day, in January no less. Before going to the park, I had a thought, "Maybe I'll see X at the park." Then as I pulled into the park, I saw X right in front of where I was parking. Good timing! Another example of conscious creation: the thoughts and feelings came before the reality. I did that!

I am learning that life is more about playing than serious survival needs. I want to be alive in this life; not just hope it ends soon. Really, my life has not really been consciously fun. Mostly, I've been trying to survive; not happy on the inside at all. Now that I know that happiness is my choice, I've been making that choice. I'd rather feel unconditionally happy; and I can if I deliberately do it. that is the key: deliberately.

Morning Pages

Yesterday, I discovered a new book, "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. For those of you in recovery, it does not mention AA, but it does mention that she got sober in 1978. And the book is filled with "higher power" and "spiritual experience."

I'm sharing this tool, Morning Pages, with you because I think is helps me to feel better. If you are an Abraham Hicks fan, I think this tool will help you to get on a high flying disk, write rampages of appreciation, get in alignment, stop doing that thing you are doing, get all the way to San Diego instead of stopping in Yuma and going back to San Antonio.

Lets review where I am coming from. I quit my job because I wanted to become a writer, yes. But also because I want to be the real me sometime before I die. The corporate engineer me is a logical brain construction and mainly exists to earn money and protect me from the world. Very little joy, or happy consciousness is allowed by the logical me. I'll be 60 in January. It is time to let go and find some joy in life. To find some happy reason for my existence. Yes, I can die as a millionaire, but did I experience The Universe's love for me?

Truly, I've sought Love for most of my life; and only caught glimpses. The logical brain always calls me down.

"morning pages are 3 pages of long hand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness..."

Right there, I become unstuck. I was trying to write a rampage of appreciation when I had none. Or I was taking my inventory and only feeling worse. Or trying to write a novel instead of getting in touch with me.

"These morning pages are not meant to be an art. Or even writing. I stress at this point to reassure the non-writers working with this book. Writing is simply a tool. Pages are meant to be simply the act of moving the hand across the page and writing down whatever comes to mind. Nothing is too petty, too silly, too stupid, or too weird to be included.
     The morning pages are not supposed to sound smart...."

But I will share further promises.

• All that petty stuff you write down in morning pages is what stands between you and your creativity.
• The morning pages are the primary tool of creative recovery.
• We are victims of our own internalized Censor who constantly criticizes us. The morning pages are a way to evade the Censor and find your Artists Brain.
• The morning pages are meditation because the stream of consciousness writing gives us insight and helps effect change in our lives. Moving from the logical Censor to the Artist Brain is meditation.
• We meditate to discover our own identity, acquire a connection to our inner self. Morning pages build a link to the inner creative identity. (What wouldn't I give to have that. I've spent my life wanting that.)

If you made it to here, google "morning pages" or go to the library and get the book The Artist's Way. I'm not going to type entire directions for morning pages here. But I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE INSPIRED. A being inspired feels good. Inspiration is good energy and I love it.

Today was my first attempt to get 3 pages written and I was successful. I couldn't do this when Abraham said to write 3 pages of a rampage of appreciation every day. Because, I don't appreciate that much or I am too afraid of the Law of Attraction looking in on my crummy thoughts and sending me more. Judgments and restrictions on my writing allow the Censor to shut everything down. And then I have nothing. But if I just free flow write with no restrictions or judgments, I find that the positivity does come out. Free flow writing is a way for me to dig myself out of my negativity. My negativity is mainly fear. My life has sort of mainly been about fear. What if I could dig out of feat and actually love being alive?

In any case, it felt good to let go and just write whatever. I feel better and that is important. This morning, I realized an important point: the life I created here in KC, post career, has room for the Artist and the point is that I need to learn who I am and be who I am. So working at part time jobs  with a hap hazard schedule does that. 

Also, I have created in my life some people I need. Like last night I met my tax office boss. But who I really met is a young guy who is extremely creative. By young, I mean really young. But he shared alot of his creative activities and explained why he like working for the tax office: to have time during the off season to be creative. So, I had the same life I have now 15 years ago, but went back into engineering because of the money. Also, 15 years ago, I had no creative projects so no reason to have a life with room for creativity. Now however, financial insecurity is not an issue and I do have creative projects. So, while this kid is my boss, I can surreptitiously watch a guy have a creative life. A real person, not a book author.

I feel inspired now. I feel good about my life. What could be more important than that?

Riding the Rocket

A story of positive momentum.
The Law of Attraction: that which is like unto itself is drawn

It was a Saturday morning. I was sitting on the stool in a nice hotel room in Dallas. I think about what is about to occur: an Abraham workshop, and my heart suddenly goes crazy; thumping madly as if for a job interview. Maybe it is. I have expectations for the day: will I get called on? Will I experience tremendous emotions? Or not?

I calm down, take my bag out to the car and go reserve my seat in the workshop. The seminar is at 9. The room opened at 7. I got in line at 6:50. There were a few early birds who got there before me. I did get a front row seat. It should tell you something that people strive to get front row seats. It is not like church or school or seminars where no one wants the front row. I want to be as close as possible to see Abraham; and if I get called on, it will be easy for me to walk up.

Having now 2 hours before the show would begin, I walk into the Galleria mall to Starbucks. I use my new partner card for the first time. It worked! I am in the computer. I bought a latte and a protein box for 30% off.

What brings me to this room is a decades long desire to know my higher self. I was introduced to Abraham a little over a year ago and those teachings really improved my love for myself, trust and confidence in my self, ability to dream a creative and fun future. After many many YouTube videos, I am now going to see in person.

The room began to fill. We are in a huge hotel ball room and I guess at least 500 chairs. The room is filled with high energy. We all watch the countdown clock on the screen. The room explodes as Esther (Abraham) comes out. The workshop consists of a brief opening by Abraham and then conversations between Abraham and participants. We have all watched many videos, some for more than a decade. Some of these people have been to many Abraham workshops, but also, many of us are first timers.

What Abraham says is a help to deliberate creation of a life experience. The whole teaching is on how to use the Law of Attraction. Most people think that the Law of Attraction is for those greedy people who want to be wealthy (so?). However, today's workshop focuses more on the thoughts which are the manifestation, not the things. That is because things only interest us for a little, while the journey of creation is very fascinating.

My experience is shaded by the me I brought to the workshop. Habitual feelings of being less attractive than others, as well as my habitual trashing of experiences not being good enough, color my ability to have joyful experiences and fully receive what is given by the Universe. And so, I just start from where I am and work up the positive scale.

The day is only 4 hours of conversations with Abraham. I pick up on several phrases: ease and flow; satisfaction; make satisfaction my practiced vibration; be under the influence of my higher self; joyful expansion; joyful journey; joyful purpose; don't be so serious; savor the birthing; its about thoughts turning, not so much the things.

Of course, this blog can't reproduce this experience. I can share my feelings. During the workshop, my thoughts kept going over the idea that I am riding a rocket into the Universe, a creative world which is now my life. My higher self just kept saying this over and over: you are riding the rocket, just stay aboard. I struggle to stay on the rocket. Listening to Abraham, I felt a moment of knowing what ecstasy is, and that some part of me lives in ecstasy. I can allow this. This feeling was a knowing of something I carry inside; not an emotional dopamine hit, which the human me always wants. See what a dichotomy that is: human me wants euphoria before it will believe; while deliberate creating me generates the knowing of a world greater than the human world and true ecstasy is there.

Driving home, I realize the both / and of my personality. There is the habitual negative self punishment: I didn't get called on so I must have done it wrong. There is the continual positive thoughts: I am on my journey, supported by Spirit, moving forward creatively. Just keep riding the rocket. Enjoy. I am a joyful manifestation.

Now, the morning after, I realize that I have received a subtle energy shift. There wasn't a huge dopamine reward. The human part of me wants to trash me because of that. More quiet is the knowing of an improved vibration. Soon after getting up, I know that I'm not quitting my quest for growth and expansion; to make something of my life, to actually live it. I realize that how I feel right at this instant is a choice: I can choose to trash my experience; or mine the gems, remember the gems, receive what my higher self had to give me. As I choose the positive aspects, I feel better. Feeling better is what we want. Positive momentum. I did and am now generating positive momentum.

I am grateful to Abraham. The whole room was grateful to Abraham. We are all living at higher energy than before meeting Abraham. We all feel better about ourselves because of Abraham.

The Law of Attraction

Here is an unbelievably cool incident involving the Law of Attraction. If you don't know about the Law of Attraction, I suggest listening for awhile to Abraham Hicks on the subject. Or the movie "The Secret."

Formally, Law of Attraction states "that which is like unto itself is drawn."

So, phase 3 of my life, years 60 to 90, rely heavily on consciously creating my reality. I am going from a corporate job, sustained by mother corporation to being a sole proprietor / creative artist sustained by Source Energy. It is a big change, largely enabled by the teachings of Abraham Hicks.

So, I landed in my new life with a crash. The market is down and my house isn't sold. My life long fear of financial security is around. I am a upper middle class raised American, and trained to think always about money. After all, houses and college and cars and etc are not that cheap. Anyway, my new life involves transferring my reliance to Source Energy in a very direct way. I need to learn to use the Law of Attraction and consciously create my reality.

Abraham has a technique of spending $100 emotionally every day as a means of creating the emotional environment of prosperity, and prosperity will flow to you (  The Money Game ). While I was out walking today, I asked myself how I would emotionally spend $100. I didn't get too far with my emotional trip because all I ever want to buy is running shoes. So my brain switched to mulling over the formal statement of the Law of Attraction, using Oprah Winfry's voice in my head since I heard her say it. And I was thinking about words which give me a positive feeling.

As I am walking, I notice lots of little white scraps of paper littering the side walk. Then I notice that each one is a copy of a $100 bill. Suddenly I practically yell, " F**k." If Abraham can have a game about spending money, I can surely pick it up off the sidewalk. My brain doesn't actually know the difference between these copies and the real thing; and I get the emotional experience of picking up money that easily. So I start picking up all the $100 bills. Then I am walking along the street counting them. I have over $4,000 and still counting when the phone rings. It is my future employer offering me a job!

No sh!t. I got the offer just as I was counting the free money off the street. Law of Attraction worked. I set up my emotional condition, clearly I was in the receptive mode, and then the Universe responded with a job offer.

One of my thoughts while I picked up the money was to show the Universe that I could see positive aspects. I am not blinded. Richness is all around me, free for the picking up.

So, now my life is set for a few years: part time job with benefits, learning to be a writer and going to school part time (free tuition from my job). Living sweetly in my little house. Enjoying creativity.

A Moment in Between

Yesterday I spent my time with movers, packing up my house in Texas. Then I drove to Oklahoma and spent the night. Today, I will continue driving to my new home in Missouri.

Some of my thoughts yesterday reflected around how momentous this thing I am doing is. Sure, everybody retires some time. I took my time earlier than most based on a desire to grow. Seriously, I had to move on. Where I worked was "not that bad," in fact pretty good. The condition of the work place alone does not justify quitting.

Finances provided an escape route, something like a catalyst.

But the real crux of the matter is the interior of my heart and soul. There were positive desperate needs and negative desperate needs. Ultimately it came down to a dream, a plan, an idea.

I just started reading a book written by a doctor about addiction, its neuro-science and its childhood development. I have to admit that a few screws were maladjusted in my childhood. This makes for a life outside the norm. And now I can see that I am embracing my truth.

By "outside the norm," I don't mean badly weird. I mean that suburban life, going along, just earning money in a good corporate job and carrying out that life to the end, was not enough. Look, I have moved around alot in my life from job to job. Look, I ran off to a monastery in mid-life because I was interested in contemplative prayer. Look, getting married and having kids could never have been for me.

Without the surroundings of a corporate culture, I don't have to pretend to be like "them" anymore. Like, you work with people daily for years, never talking about sobriety; because they wouldn't understand and might hold it against you. The spirituality of a 12 step program, or ultra-marathoning, is impossible to express to the un-initiated. I even had trouble admitting that I got up at 3:30 am every day in order to have time for both spiritual study and running.

I don't know how my creative ideas will turn out. But I can clearly see the next 2 or 3 trail markings.

I am a bit apprehensive for arrival at my new digs. How will I feel once I finally get there? The whole decision to buy this place and get out of Texas is an emotional affair. Yes, I can scream about logic, but the emotion is really what life is.

So, enjoy the ride. I am where I am. My life is now totally about the "receiving mode." The Receiving Mode is something I heard about from Abraham Hicks. I have to strengthen my spiritual practice above all else.

Wow! Now that I am free, I can allow my mind to just go crazy with ideas and creativity; and I have the means to capitalize.