Yesterday I spent my time with movers, packing up my house in Texas. Then I drove to Oklahoma and spent the night. Today, I will continue driving to my new home in Missouri.
Some of my thoughts yesterday reflected around how momentous this thing I am doing is. Sure, everybody retires some time. I took my time earlier than most based on a desire to grow. Seriously, I had to move on. Where I worked was "not that bad," in fact pretty good. The condition of the work place alone does not justify quitting.
Finances provided an escape route, something like a catalyst.
But the real crux of the matter is the interior of my heart and soul. There were positive desperate needs and negative desperate needs. Ultimately it came down to a dream, a plan, an idea.
I just started reading a book written by a doctor about addiction, its neuro-science and its childhood development. I have to admit that a few screws were maladjusted in my childhood. This makes for a life outside the norm. And now I can see that I am embracing my truth.
By "outside the norm," I don't mean badly weird. I mean that suburban life, going along, just earning money in a good corporate job and carrying out that life to the end, was not enough. Look, I have moved around alot in my life from job to job. Look, I ran off to a monastery in mid-life because I was interested in contemplative prayer. Look, getting married and having kids could never have been for me.
Without the surroundings of a corporate culture, I don't have to pretend to be like "them" anymore. Like, you work with people daily for years, never talking about sobriety; because they wouldn't understand and might hold it against you. The spirituality of a 12 step program, or ultra-marathoning, is impossible to express to the un-initiated. I even had trouble admitting that I got up at 3:30 am every day in order to have time for both spiritual study and running.
I don't know how my creative ideas will turn out. But I can clearly see the next 2 or 3 trail markings.
I am a bit apprehensive for arrival at my new digs. How will I feel once I finally get there? The whole decision to buy this place and get out of Texas is an emotional affair. Yes, I can scream about logic, but the emotion is really what life is.
So, enjoy the ride. I am where I am. My life is now totally about the "receiving mode." The Receiving Mode is something I heard about from Abraham Hicks. I have to strengthen my spiritual practice above all else.
Wow! Now that I am free, I can allow my mind to just go crazy with ideas and creativity; and I have the means to capitalize.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Embrace Limbo
My company has decided to sell the division which is located across the fence from where I am currently sitting. I am in an engineering services division, but all my current work is for the division located across the fence. So it is quite possible I will be moved across the fence and work for un-named new company in the future. Or maybe some other opportunity will present itself. Meeting in Germany this week as executives decide how to divvy things up.
In the mean time, it will be a few months before any final decisions are made. And anyway, I am still me with my own particular outlook on work in general. The VP of the division I work for has a cubicle near mine. And every time he gets on the phone, he has to walk into the small conference room next to my cubicle in order to talk privately. Lately, that has happened alot. Frequently, he starts talking before he gets in the conference room. This activity is distracting for me, who is going to be waiting months while guys like him try to decide to do with "us", the engineers working here. Managers continue to whisper amongst themselves. People say, "Aren't you sorry you ever came here?" Um, yeah.
I know the VP-ish activities are more about their own finances than anything. Capitalism and satisfying share holders is the whole cause here. In today's world, companies serve stock holders not communities or people. Should they? In the long run, they will figure out that they should.
For myself, I continue to drift in limbo. It causes me to shrink in. I have to focus on today and what is in front of me right now. It doesn't mean that if an idea surfaces which is a future idea I wouldn't act on it. But I must focus on what I can do and not what I can't do.
I also realize my dirty little secret is very alive in my consciousness. I work for money not for career advancement. I seek technical expertise not managerial expertise. I need to keep my mind busy with challenging work; while earning enough money to run my life. Moving up the ladder at any company is pretty much out of the question. It is more a matter of service.
In fact, service matters a great deal to me. Service is where my mentality at work overlaps with my spiritual life.I embrace that I decided for God and it has produced a strange limbo in this world. I have a growing outlook of this world as an ego project and that there is no place for me in it.. Job or no job, I am in limbo. I cannot produce goals because service today is the only possibility.
Tension occurs however between the ego wanting something to happen now; and my rational consciousness which wants to serve now. Very difficult to stay on track. Some would say I am trying to dis my human-ness. I think human-ness is an excuse for living littleness instead of living magnificence. Choosing spirit, I become less confused.
How may I best serve You. Thy will not mine be done.
ACIM text 2.V:
I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.
All my life is really about is "Decide for God" (Manual for Teachers 14) right now. Then, allow God to direct my thinking. And ask for this every time I notice I am thinking what God would not have thought. Worldly limbo is a preparation for God consciousness. Embrace it.
It IS a sacred journey. No other thing about it.
In the mean time, it will be a few months before any final decisions are made. And anyway, I am still me with my own particular outlook on work in general. The VP of the division I work for has a cubicle near mine. And every time he gets on the phone, he has to walk into the small conference room next to my cubicle in order to talk privately. Lately, that has happened alot. Frequently, he starts talking before he gets in the conference room. This activity is distracting for me, who is going to be waiting months while guys like him try to decide to do with "us", the engineers working here. Managers continue to whisper amongst themselves. People say, "Aren't you sorry you ever came here?" Um, yeah.
I know the VP-ish activities are more about their own finances than anything. Capitalism and satisfying share holders is the whole cause here. In today's world, companies serve stock holders not communities or people. Should they? In the long run, they will figure out that they should.
For myself, I continue to drift in limbo. It causes me to shrink in. I have to focus on today and what is in front of me right now. It doesn't mean that if an idea surfaces which is a future idea I wouldn't act on it. But I must focus on what I can do and not what I can't do.
I also realize my dirty little secret is very alive in my consciousness. I work for money not for career advancement. I seek technical expertise not managerial expertise. I need to keep my mind busy with challenging work; while earning enough money to run my life. Moving up the ladder at any company is pretty much out of the question. It is more a matter of service.
In fact, service matters a great deal to me. Service is where my mentality at work overlaps with my spiritual life.I embrace that I decided for God and it has produced a strange limbo in this world. I have a growing outlook of this world as an ego project and that there is no place for me in it.. Job or no job, I am in limbo. I cannot produce goals because service today is the only possibility.
Tension occurs however between the ego wanting something to happen now; and my rational consciousness which wants to serve now. Very difficult to stay on track. Some would say I am trying to dis my human-ness. I think human-ness is an excuse for living littleness instead of living magnificence. Choosing spirit, I become less confused.
How may I best serve You. Thy will not mine be done.
ACIM text 2.V:
I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.
All my life is really about is "Decide for God" (Manual for Teachers 14) right now. Then, allow God to direct my thinking. And ask for this every time I notice I am thinking what God would not have thought. Worldly limbo is a preparation for God consciousness. Embrace it.
It IS a sacred journey. No other thing about it.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
In Between Lives
I am in between lives. Physically, I am journeying from Kansas City to south Texas. In changing locations I am changing my physical world, including my body which is undergoing change as well.
My life is a dynamic life. I have lived 5 lifetimes so far: California where I was born; Kansas City pre-monastery; monastic life mainly cloistered; Atchison/Kansas City post-monastery; and now Texas.
Mental, emotional and spiritual change are required. A few last minute grievances attempt to attach themselves to me; but I am able to tell them "No." My Course in Miracles lessons provide the framework for this. My lessons for the 3 day trip are distinctively focused on new ways of thinking.They are a distinctive shift from eliminating grievances to replacement with miracles.
It is difficult to shift. The ego mind resists. The ego mind says, "What are God's laws and who would want those?" or "What is a miracle and who would want it?" and "You don't really believe you are making progress do you?"
I sit in the car and watch other cars as I watch my thoughts. I answer with today's lesson. But mainly, I need do nothing. My future is being built of miracles as I continue to answer the ego with other thoughts.
I am a successful engineer. I am earning money for retirement. I am a long distance runner and fitness fanatic. But my main interest is my mental and spiritual fitness.
A few more hours on the road today. Dinner tonight with some e-friends; meeting ftf for the first time. And then, another day of driving to get to my new destination and new framework for spiritual growth. That's all anything is: a framework for spiritual growth. And, all frameworks are viewed by the viewers differently. But all frameworks are indeed chosen (at some level) by the viewer.
My life is a dynamic life. I have lived 5 lifetimes so far: California where I was born; Kansas City pre-monastery; monastic life mainly cloistered; Atchison/Kansas City post-monastery; and now Texas.
Mental, emotional and spiritual change are required. A few last minute grievances attempt to attach themselves to me; but I am able to tell them "No." My Course in Miracles lessons provide the framework for this. My lessons for the 3 day trip are distinctively focused on new ways of thinking.They are a distinctive shift from eliminating grievances to replacement with miracles.
It is difficult to shift. The ego mind resists. The ego mind says, "What are God's laws and who would want those?" or "What is a miracle and who would want it?" and "You don't really believe you are making progress do you?"
I sit in the car and watch other cars as I watch my thoughts. I answer with today's lesson. But mainly, I need do nothing. My future is being built of miracles as I continue to answer the ego with other thoughts.
I am a successful engineer. I am earning money for retirement. I am a long distance runner and fitness fanatic. But my main interest is my mental and spiritual fitness.
A few more hours on the road today. Dinner tonight with some e-friends; meeting ftf for the first time. And then, another day of driving to get to my new destination and new framework for spiritual growth. That's all anything is: a framework for spiritual growth. And, all frameworks are viewed by the viewers differently. But all frameworks are indeed chosen (at some level) by the viewer.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Personal Power
I can make a right/healthy decision in the moment. But, maybe that desire doesn't go away, just underground to come back later. Then the only way I am ultimately powerful is to do something that eliminates that thought, develop a habit which becomes stronger than that thought, or ask for a higher power to remove that thought. Otherwise, I'm doomed to eventually do that thing.
I need to change my momentum and keep it changed.
I want a different ruler in my mind than the one I have been allowing. I need to strengthen the consciousness which brings me success, peace, productivity, self love. That consciousness which is positive is there; I just don't choose it as my ruler. But I think I could. I am aware enough of my thoughts to begin a different conscious sorting process.
I went for a long run as usual for a Saturday morning (4h25 min). I thought that I want my life to be an experience of soul. What ever I do and however I think, I want it to be an experience of soul.
I learned how to just be today! I realized that I am.
That's it.
I need to change my momentum and keep it changed.
I want a different ruler in my mind than the one I have been allowing. I need to strengthen the consciousness which brings me success, peace, productivity, self love. That consciousness which is positive is there; I just don't choose it as my ruler. But I think I could. I am aware enough of my thoughts to begin a different conscious sorting process.
I went for a long run as usual for a Saturday morning (4h25 min). I thought that I want my life to be an experience of soul. What ever I do and however I think, I want it to be an experience of soul.
I learned how to just be today! I realized that I am.
That's it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Change Planning
I need a real thought. This is what I thought last night. This morning, I wrote the below featured blog. Now, it is several hours after I wrote the blog, but I've been at work and in meetings.
As I sit down to read this blog before posting it, I wonder, "What for?" Or another thought is, "Why bother?" Now I am going to read it and maybe answer these questions at the end.
A funny thing happened yesterday. There was a 2 hour “discussion” in my office between me and two colleagues. I am a plant P&PS practitioner. One of the gentlemen is the Regional P&PS Subject Matter Expert. The other is the Vice President of QHSE. Well, the regional guy has a combative sort of personality and when he thinks he is right, there is no open-mindedness to him. Well, me and his boss, the VP, happen to agree on the issues at hand; and I happen to be respected as an equal in expertise in this topic (that is why they were in my office in the first place). However, the 2 hour “discussion” still took place.
When it was over, I wanted to be drained. I wanted to rail against how terrible the experience was. But, I couldn’t. You see, I am a student of A Course in Miracles. My choice has been to practice inner peace and seeing Christ in my brothers. Yesterday I found, to the dismay of my ego, that I had no enthusiasm or habitual desire to develop a huge angry case against my colleague. This peaceful state of affairs is a witness to the power of truth, if you will let it exist on the forefront of consciousness instead of ego.
This morning, I was up at 3:33. I spent an hour in spiritual study and holy listening. Then, I spent 80 minutes on my ex-bike and treadmill. Then I jogged for 20 minutes. My weight was at 126.8 lb. I sense a change in my fitness life: towards less long distance running and more varied fitness. I sense a quantum leap in fitness. At 51, I must be approaching a hidden corner: the change. I intend to approach and go through in quite unexpected ways as I have done everything else in life. I don’t do things the average way and I don’t plan on doing this the average way. Change is always to be embraced as the exact perfect thing needed for spiritual partnership and communication with God at that time.
From my ACIM study this morning:
“The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.” (14.VII)
From my ACIM lesson today:
Today we would remove all meaningless and self-made gifts …Then lay aside the conflicts of the world that offer other gifts and other goals made of illusions, witnessed to by them, and sought for only in a world of dreams….We clear a holy place within our minds before His altar, where His gifts of peace and joy are welcome
I needed to read these bits and pieces from ACIM. I need to remember that eschatologically, ontologically, existentially, metaphysically, I have made the choice to believe in God. God is love. Nothing else exists. I can live in the quiet holy place of peace or I can be in pain, demoralized, angry and afraid.
What is this blog for? Me. I'm the one that needed it.
As I sit down to read this blog before posting it, I wonder, "What for?" Or another thought is, "Why bother?" Now I am going to read it and maybe answer these questions at the end.
A funny thing happened yesterday. There was a 2 hour “discussion” in my office between me and two colleagues. I am a plant P&PS practitioner. One of the gentlemen is the Regional P&PS Subject Matter Expert. The other is the Vice President of QHSE. Well, the regional guy has a combative sort of personality and when he thinks he is right, there is no open-mindedness to him. Well, me and his boss, the VP, happen to agree on the issues at hand; and I happen to be respected as an equal in expertise in this topic (that is why they were in my office in the first place). However, the 2 hour “discussion” still took place.
When it was over, I wanted to be drained. I wanted to rail against how terrible the experience was. But, I couldn’t. You see, I am a student of A Course in Miracles. My choice has been to practice inner peace and seeing Christ in my brothers. Yesterday I found, to the dismay of my ego, that I had no enthusiasm or habitual desire to develop a huge angry case against my colleague. This peaceful state of affairs is a witness to the power of truth, if you will let it exist on the forefront of consciousness instead of ego.
This morning, I was up at 3:33. I spent an hour in spiritual study and holy listening. Then, I spent 80 minutes on my ex-bike and treadmill. Then I jogged for 20 minutes. My weight was at 126.8 lb. I sense a change in my fitness life: towards less long distance running and more varied fitness. I sense a quantum leap in fitness. At 51, I must be approaching a hidden corner: the change. I intend to approach and go through in quite unexpected ways as I have done everything else in life. I don’t do things the average way and I don’t plan on doing this the average way. Change is always to be embraced as the exact perfect thing needed for spiritual partnership and communication with God at that time.
From my ACIM study this morning:
“The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.” (14.VII)
From my ACIM lesson today:
Today we would remove all meaningless and self-made gifts …Then lay aside the conflicts of the world that offer other gifts and other goals made of illusions, witnessed to by them, and sought for only in a world of dreams….We clear a holy place within our minds before His altar, where His gifts of peace and joy are welcome
I needed to read these bits and pieces from ACIM. I need to remember that eschatologically, ontologically, existentially, metaphysically, I have made the choice to believe in God. God is love. Nothing else exists. I can live in the quiet holy place of peace or I can be in pain, demoralized, angry and afraid.
What is this blog for? Me. I'm the one that needed it.
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