The Next Phase of my Development

So. ten days ago, I ran 50 miles in a race. It was a high time. I was in the zone for many of those miles. No injuries. Yesterday I had an 11 mile run in the forest. Today I ran 7 very fast miles, 10.3 min/mile. Yesterday's video:

In the middle of this week, I decided to carry out some thoughts which had been in my head for awhile. Yes, a couple of events brought emotion into the picture and I snapped. I tried to quit my barista job. Mainly because it was interfering with writing. My identity is really not:barista. So I don't want barista work occupying my brain and using the morning hours which are best for reflecting.  As time went on, I was becoming more and more tired and less writing was happening. I tried to quit all together, but the store manager talked me into reducing to 2 short shifts per week, only one early morning and only one weekend day. That helps a lot to lighten the physical and mental burden. I can also plan on keeping the healthcare benefit for another year.

But now, I have my mornings for writing and editing. I won't be as exhausted. I'm excited to have the free time and mental space to create new situations. I also have more freedom to follow intuition. I feel momentum increasing on my book project. This morning was my first time in months to do Morning Pages. Less work returns me to the plan I had a year ago when I retired to do writing. But I must not have been ready so I got a part time job. Now I'm ready to try again. I know a lot more about what I need to do.

A Year Later

A year ago today, I quit my career and entered phase 3 of my life. Best.decision.ever.

What you should know, if you retire early, is that it is about quality of life and not money. My career was basically about making and saving money. Now, my focus is on learning new things and building a new life.

The key thing is that I am happy. I can't really explain why I was so unhappy at my career and the environment of the Gulf Coast. I should have been able to generate a good attitude regardless, but never did. However, upon moving north to Missouri and now working part time, I was instantly happy, and haven't looked back. Joy is now a skill I have and I do have to produce it consciously but it seems easy given my current way of living.

My plan for phase 3 of my life has been adhered to: move to Missouri, run alot, work part time, learn to be a writer and produce a publishable work from the material I wrote before I quit my career.

The good side of my writing project is that it is making steady progress. I have my content together and am now trying to sort through the information and organize it. I have learned much about the business of writing and publishing in the past year, enough to know what direction I am headed and what it could look like. I have the tools, though still learning to use them. As my writing project moves forward, it is bringing people and experiences into my life which I wouldn't otherwise have. I live near a public library which has a writing center funded by the Kaufmann Foundation. So, they have many classes, groups and staff to help writers. They even have a book making machine right in the library.

I never planned for my writing to be my source of financial support, so I am free to work on it a bit too slowly. What I wish I could do better is spend more of my afternoons writing, and doing deep work. But napping and then working out seem to take precedence, especially if I was up at 3 am for work. I seem to need the down time and then later on it is difficult to get my mind turned on and focused. I have been working on the habit of just getting my body into the chair at my desk, without YouTube.

I have entered a very happy time at my barista job. I have learned enough to be a valuable team member and to have fun. The young partners are accepting me. My body is better physically for working on my feet, lifting, bending, reaching, instead of spending all day at a computer. My mind is better for having to learn almost a whole new barista language and software. I'm having to use parts of my brain that engineers don't need to use and so I didn't use them for decades. There is big value in an old person learning new things (hint: mental longevity). This part time job provides health insurance and pays most of my day to day living expenses. My assets have increased since quitting my career.

I survived the winter, but did not start 3 races due to cold weather. In Texas, I did not start races due to heat. But I did run all winter. I have run all summer. The Gulf Coast was a huge problem with overwhelming heat for 8 or so months a year. I suffered from heat related illness every weekend. That problem has disappeared here in Missouri. And so, I run faster more often. Running fast has been a blast. I had a great marathon a week ago. Even at mile 21, I was very happy (check out my smile):

In the area of Missouri where I now live, I am around people whom I've known for 30 or more years. In terms of social capital, I am very rich. I got to celebrate my 34th sobriety anniversary with numerous people I got sober with all those years ago.

I have become a neuro science geek. Part of my writing project involves studying neuro science to explain addiction and recovery. In my retired life, I have time to read neuro science books and addiction books, which seem to be coming out at a furious pace. Luckily, the public library stocks the latest and greatest books.

Here is a video from today's jaunt in the forest:

Not Getting

It is nearly a year since I left my corporate job. It struck me this morning that who I am in terms of what I am trying to "get" out of life has changed.

I was for the first time today able to see clearly how much I was trying to get out of the corporation and its bosses. Stuff like recognition and self worth. As a corporate engineer, I was wrapped up in the corporate culture, criticism of what the bosses were doing, being angry because I had no place to grow to. Even on the weekend when I did my long runs, my brain was taken up with resentments and anger over work.

I was not able to just sit in a cushy corporate job and collect money but slowly die to creativity and hope for the future. I wanted something more, but I couldn't "get" it from the corporation. Now, I accept that my modus operandi: my career was about making money and I quit it as soon as that task was completed.

In the past, my feelings of success were dependent on what other people thought of me and what they were willing to reward me with. Success at work was huge to me. I only felt successful if I was winning at work. But now, I have nothing in the material world to hang a successful feeling on. It is impossible for me to be pointed out as successful because there is nothing there. This lack of exterior conditions forces me to either feel good about myself simply because I exist, or never feel good because I'm not in situations to garner praise and rewards.

Now, whatever it was which I was trying to "get" from the corporation has been forgotten. I don't have any expectation of  being promoted or given a raise as a means to help me feel validated or wanted. I have no expectation of being asked to do special projects because of my expertise and using these to bolster my ego. Along with the loss of expectations is the ending of trying to wrest anything out of life.

I am more or less a free bird, living one day at a time. I think I don't have a purpose driven life. If I want to be validated, or feel better, I do it for myself. My happiness is not dependent on bosses at work but on my own seeking for good thoughts about myself from the inside. If I want to feel better then I am self responsible for finding those thoughts from the inside.

If I have a purpose, it is to allow instead of try to get. I'm learning to be an allower instead of a getter. I am not dependent of some corporation or its bosses to validate my worth or give recognition. I have no recognition to achieve. I am merely alive.

Spiritual study has been a part of my life for decades. For a long time, I was trying to get enlightenment from God, and mad that God had never given it. Even that type of getting is gone from my agenda. I have entered a way of living where I allow whatever is going to happen to happen. God does not have to give me enlightenment today.

So who am I really? Being. I am just Being.

Renaissance Appreciation

This morning, I ran 14 miles on a groomed trail in a nature sanctuary. I spent 3 hours, and it was a bit hot. I so appreciated the time, the activity and the environment.

I feel amazing about myself and about life. I am running really good, much improved over the past 8 years in Houston. I attribute this to a cooler environment, more hills and because I work at a manual job and on my feet for 24 hours a week. 60 year olds can improve their fitness.

It was a weekend of watching cross fit athletes sort out who is the fittest man/woman on earth. It has been 52 days of watching the 3,100 mile race. And here I am, running in a forest and just feeling so super pumped about it. Yesterday, I ran on my treadmill in the afternoon and I felt super pumped about that too. I was able to crank up the speed and add some incline and run run run.

My brain is better since leaving my career 11 months ago. Thanks to Starbucks, I have had to learn a whole new language. All those new synapses are a good mental workout for an entrenched brain. All the lifting and bending and walking back and forth help me too.

It is the eve of my 34th sobriety birthday. How grateful I am for my sober adult life. So much good stuff. Mostly, spiritual stuff. I have had an adult life of conscious contact with my inner being. I so appreciate that.

I am financially stable after 11 months away from my big paying career. Everything is is growing.

Its About the Energy

This morning, during my morning meditation, I had a big breakthrough in understanding. I'm sure I got a glimpse of the way my Inner Being sees things.

Here is a story:

10 months ago, I quit my high paying corporate job and started a part time job at Starbucks. And ever since, some part of my brain has been annoyed with this situation. See, I'm a 60 year old well funded, retiree, ex-engineer. What the heck am I doing working with twenty year olds for ten dollars an hour? Sure, I can make up some pragmatic reasons like I get my health care from Starbucks, or I'm too young to sit in the house "retired."

But thats not really it.

The reasons have to go deeper or they are not satisfying. The reasons have to be related to my conscious contact with my spiritual Inner Being, or they are not satisfying.

So, a little bit of back story.

The real reason I quit my job was to design and live Phase 3 of my life. I wanted to take my little ship and go off into the metaphorical high seas, exploring and learning, before I got too old to do such things. I had some writing ideas and I wanted to become a writer.

But what the heck am I doing at Starbucks? Especially since it is more difficult to work at Starbucks than you would imagine. There is a whole new language to learn, there are hundreds of drinks and sauces to learn to make. You have to learn the location of hundreds of buttons in the cash register, and quickly find them when needed. Being on your feet and using fast thinking is totally different from being an engineer who thinks everything through slowly and sits at a computer all day. Compared to the young people, I feel so slow and stupid. I feel out of place.

So what the heck am I doing there?

Well, it has to do with energy and vibration. And that is the break through in understanding I had this morning. Finally I might perceive how my Inner Being sees this situation.

At Starbucks, I am in a fast paced environment with young people who are trying to find their way in this world, still going to school and putting together the pieces. At the corporate job, I was in a slow environment with people who all made tons of money, had all the material possessions, were near the end of their careers, and basically were not learning or growing at all.

So, since my plan is to build Phase 3 of my life as something entirely new and different from my corporate life, then it is a huge blessing that I now hang around young people who are trying to build their lives. The young people have an energy and a vibration about them which is different than the old people I used to work with. My feelings of being out of place at Starbucks, and feeling like I can't keep up, are just symptoms of my energy pattern out of harmony with their energy pattern. But over time, my energy pattern is achieving higher frequency and matching the young energy pattern.

So, it is much better for a person hoping to build a new life at the age of 60 to have a young energy pattern. I need to vibrate like a young person in order to do what they are doing, putting together the pieces of a new life.

So, now I embrace the difficulties at work and am at peace with it because it is just a shift in energy patterns. The difficulty is just what it feels like when your energy pattern is out of sync with someone else's. In this case, I want to have their energy pattern. So I am living through the discomfort.

And you know what? Today at work, they put me on bar so I can start learning how to make some of those many many drinks Starbucks has.

Spiritual exercises are so worth it. If I don't persist in meditating and connecting with my Inner Being, I'd never know what is going on energetically. Perhaps I wouldn't be able to build a new life without understanding the energy, and hanging in there for the change. Maybe I would just vegetate and slowly die.

I really want to experience full aliveness in this life. In my old corporate job, I wasn't fully alive. I was going to jail every morning and collecting the money. I couldn't stand it. I'd much rather be out in the waves navigating new things. Maybe this is what self transcendence really is and I'm really doing it.

I love hills

One of the reasons I left Houston was because the place is flat as a pancake. For a runner, that is annoying. Kansas City has hills. Hills are awesome.

Surprising to me, I am improving at my running since leaving Houston, even after a snowy winter here when I had to cut back on the mileage.

This morning, it crossed my mind about how peaceful many people seem to be after they retire. Suddenly they are out walking everyday, playing with kids, going to Starbucks, hanging out with the dog.

I continue to try and figure out why my job had become so intolerable, even though it was easy and a good company. Well, there was the issue of creativity. I have creative projects now and I am the boss of the project. No one around to tell me I can't.

But the issue that struck me today regarded being in a cage. My life as a career woman was lived in a cage. A big cage, but still a cage. A corporate cage filled with attendance requirements and behavior requirements. And I wasn't myself while being in the cage. Now, I live outside of cages. I am free to be me, not a corporate-fitter-inner.

I totally "get" the FIRE movement. Here's all these really smart people hiring into corporations where they hate their corporate selves. But, the salary is great. So, just save like crazy and get the heck out as soon as possible. These FIRE people are not just sitting around with their millions. They are contributing to society and the world in creative ways, divorced from money. That contribution is incredibly valuable.

The Next Thing

Well, last weekend I fulfilled a desired plan: I drove to Dallas, ran 2.5 marathons and drove home. I was incredibly happy that I didn't chicken out and not go at all. I didn't chicken out and not go the third day. I didn't try to do more than would make me happy by running a full marathon on the third day.

Now, a week later, I have one new toe nail and the dead skin has fallen off the insides of my big toes.

I have been perusing running calendars for months, trying to decide on what races to go in. Nothing really grabbed me until this week. And so I decided on my next marathon. It is a course I've run twice before. It is very hilly. It has a 6 hour time limit. It will probably be hot. But I am focused now. I'm happy with the focus.

And so today I ran my hills with extra energy.

When I got back to my car, parked at the library, I teased a guy parked next to me who had a huge stack of books, like 20 of the which were thick. He laughed and asked me if it was as humid as he felt. Then he said, but you are probably a beast. I guess I look like a beast in my hat, sun glasses and hydro-pak. Then I noticed that he was changing shoes and getting ready to hit the trail I had just come off of. So cool: 60 year old lady is called a beast!

Today is a day off my part time job. I slept long and I am very peaceful. It is nice to relax. I realize at this point, that I have a pretty predictable pattern of activities chosen because I like them. The person who had a career and tried to be important at work is gone. I had striven for greatness in some way for so many years. Now I am trying to sink deeper into my spiritual connections and not try to find anything out in the material world. After all, I've been chasing more connection with my higher self my whole life and now I have the opportunity to be real about it. Trying to be a big hoo haa in a corporation or in my profession was a side gig and for most of my life I could hardly wait for the career to be over.

At Starbucks, we wear head sets if we are supporting the drive up window. Yesterday, I was listening to 3 shift managers talk on the head sets. As shift managers, they make very little more money than a regular barista. I guess that now that I heard what that hourly rate is, I'm surprised at how little, except Starbucks does offer benefits, which counts for alot in my book. Other eating establishments don't offer the benefits. However, I do think a shift manager should be paid more than they are. But, they do seem to stick around for years so Starbucks would have no incentive to increase the pay.

Starbucks gave all of us gay pride shirts to wear during gay pride month, June. It was weird to have several drive up customers notice the shirt and want to buy one. I am not gay but work with many gay partners. I'm suddenly realizing what a great proportion of the population really says they are gay. I wonder if it is not just that stereo-typical roles for men and women are no longer tolerable so people branch off into same sex relationships. I haven't been in a relationship for nearly two decades. I don't think I could tolerate the role that most men would want, that of dominating the female, like always being the one to drive or thinking the woman should cook dinner.

Part of my daily life is to work on my writing and learning to become a writer. The project still does not have enough momentum, but it does get a steady amount of activity, a little work every day. Twice a month, I participate in writing groups and this helps alot with momentum because I always prepare something to share. Each morning, I work on the spiritual writing project. In the afternoons, I find that I can add a paragraph or two to my novel. I can see two or three bread crumbs down the path for each project. I'm not trying to push it. I could push it. I don't really want to. My latest effort is to write in an "Upstairs Journal" every day.

My social life is in the midst of people I have known for more than 30 years. It is amazing to me to have these connections. Especially when I realize that while I have moved around and been absent for years here and there, many of them were present for the whole time. I used to disrespect people like that. Now I respect that consistency.

Working part time as I do, I live outside the bounds of the 9 to 5 world. I am not in jail for 40 hours a week. I don't commute. I usually work on weekends. I am usually in a park every afternoon. I love my life now. I don't know really why my career job was so hated, but I clearly like how I'm living now.

Musing and rambling done. Spirit out!

What its like now.

I have been a spiritual seeker for many years. I have studied the works of many spiritual adepts. I mean, over 30 years worth of study.

I have gone once before through a period where I wasn't teachable. I couldn't go to church because every pastor seemed un-meaningful to me. I wasn't inspired. What they were saying was fake, not a deep enough truth. All I could grasp for years was A Course in Miracles and the works of Paul Brunton.

I ran many many miles. Why was doing 22 marathons a year so important?

Then, I started working on my own spiritual writing project. It was conceived as an app for addicts. I continue to slowly type what I have already written. My own writing inspires me. I don't know where this work will end up, but it continues.

Along the way in the past three years, I met the works of Abraham Hicks. This information helped me to improve my connection with my inner being. This information helped me get out of my corporate job and into a semi-retired life.

In semi-retirement, Starbucks has somehow captured me. I can't explain what is almost addictive about working at Starbucks. I look forward each week to another set of shifts, yet each shift is difficult to get through. Working at Starbucks is not easy. We rush almost continuously. Driving home, I feel good. I have a load of endorphins from six hours on my feet.

Along side my app for addicts, I got the brilliant idea to write a novel. Because I am writing a novel, I need to learn how to be a writer. Because I need to learn how to be  writer, I have been reading books on that topic. This morning, I was reading such a memoir from an author which was dull. So dull a tedious, I couldn't do more than skim it. I wasn't at all gripped by the story of her life.

I teetered on the edge of giving up my own writing. What would make my novel gripping so others enjoy reading it?

I'm not at the place which Abraham Hicks describes as "alignment" or "in the vortex." Further, I can't seem to get there from here.

So I stopped to meditate. I prayed for an intuitive thought, inspiration or decision. I took stock of my life now. I love running and being in the forested parks available to me here where I live. I love my sober life and AA fellowship. I am captivated by Starbucks. I have two writing projects for which self motivation is needed. I still want to know my higher self more and more.

And so I decided. Pull yourself together and go on from here. I'm again in the place of "unteachable." Which means total trust in whatever intuitive thoughts I receive. I will walk forward each day. I want to succeed at being a writer, no matter how long that takes. I want to be sober for life and go to the Big Meeting sober. (This thought brings me to tears it is so meaningful to me). And, I will continue to seek and listen to my Higher Self. That pursuit will never end.

And so?

I am no longer trying to find something out there, from some other spiritual author. I am finding it within.

Get the clothes out of the dryer. Go to the grocery store. Got to an AA meeting. Go running. Meditate again.

Milestone

You know, it has been over 6 months since I left my corporate job. I didn't even realize that 6 months had passed until after they had passed. Time has flown by. Part of the reason is that my life is no longer counted in 40 hour work weeks, Monday through Friday. I work part time, and never the same hours or days of each week. So I don't feel bound my a parameter; like can't wait for Friday or hating Monday. Everyday is just a day.

Also, I continue to enjoy afternoons in parks. Usually I am done with work by 11 am. Yesterday I ran a very good 10.5 miles in Platte Purchase park. It was sunny and about 50F. But I ran really well; on top of having worked a morning shift. Today, I had an even bigger milestone: it was the first day that I went straight from a shift on my feet to the trail head; and walked 5.2 miles along Line Creek. No going home first to lay on the bed and recuperate from work. I am getting stronger both physically and mentally. Working at Starbucks has cause me to get stronger and more durable.

I'm older than I've ever been with more energy than I've ever had. Hummm...

My ego continues to have difficulty with the actuality of working st Starbucks. It is not an easy job and when I make mistakes, I get down on myself. I really wonder what the heck I am doing there. Am I lying to myself about anger at that little job? However, last night, I wondered if my Starbucks job was actually saving my life from depression. Because...

The downside of retirement is lack of regularity. I do my writing, but I am in no way capable of spending days writing. My momentum towards a writing career seems hard to find. Even worse, I continue to suffer from beliefs that I am an inferior being; hence could never be an author. I am not inferior, and am evidently very intelligent, successful and prosperous. But I never feel good about myself unless I consciously decide to feel good about myself. That is very hard work. It is so easy to slip into the "I am stupid" emotional template. A template is just a choice of a neurological pattern. We can choose a different pattern and feel better. But it is mental work to do so. Feeling good is a chore. If I do it first thing in the morning, I have a happy day.

I have really been enjoying the AA group I got sober at 33 years ago. It is weird to think I am 60 instead of 26. And then someone will mention in a meeting how we grew up together and now their kids are 26 and 23. I've been reading a lot over the past year about opioid addiction, to support some of my writing. They say that opioid use disorder forever changes your brain and you should be on medication for life. The disorder is a disease. They have medications which substitute for opioids. They have never proven this point for alcoholics or found a medication. Hence, the remedy for alcoholism continues to be spirituality. There is nothing else. Here is the danger for an alcoholic: I haven't drank in 33 years. Am I still an alcoholic? Testing the possibility could lead to death.

Today's adventure, plus the long run I did a week ago convinced me to sign up for a race. The race was close to selling out, so I had to sign up a little earlier than I wanted. But, I am in for 50k. And I am planning a triple marathon in May.

The human body is amazing for healing. I cut my finger a couple of days ago. After one day, it still was bleeding as the bandage was removed. After two days, bleeding stopped and new skin evident, filling in the hole in the skin. Amazing.

In general, I am a happy person at this time in my life. I have the tools to generate happiness. Happiness is my prosperity, my abundance. One day at a time.

Reflecting

It has been nearly a month since I posted. And my last post was just a short video.

I find my self today with time on my hands. I wrote 2 pages for my novel and then decided to go for a jog (see video below). Here is a story of my recent doings.

As January arrived, I started working at H&R Block. Doing taxes was all along my original plan for a retirement job. However, in the mean time, I also got a part time job at Starbucks. I got the Starbucks job in November because my house in Texas wasn't sold, and I didn't know how long I'd have to pay the bills for it. Expenses were quite high. Since Texas has no income tax, their property tax is very high. Insurance is high too due to hurricanes. Anyway, the ongoing extra expense was not a part of my budget. So I got the Starbucks job to cover it.

So January rolls around and I start working two part time jobs; Starbucks and H&R Block. After about 5 weeks of this, I woke up to the fact that I was working more than 50 hours a week. Wait. What? I'm supposed to be retired. Working all the time was not supposed to be my new life! I wasn't doing any writing and my exercise had shrunk to 30 minutes in between jobs.

I stopped to consider. One of the jobs had to go. And even though I worked very hard on getting the H&R Block job, and had high hopes for it, I decided to quit it. See, doing taxes is easy, but H&R Block has a lot of peripheral corporate baggage related to selling products which I wasn't enjoying. One evening, I lifted $300 off some poor young girl simply because she didn't know how to do her taxes. I felt crummy about that since she probably only made $12 an hour at her job in a nursing home. Also, after talking to some of the long term tax preparers, I realized that my dreams regarding pay and time commitments were unrealistic.

On the other hand, I finally learned most of what I need to know to work at Starbucks. I was starting to have fun with the other partners. The hours are very easily done. My body has become used to working on my feet for 5 or 6 hours and I think I'm actually better off physically for it. My brain likes $200/week grocery money even though it is not necessary. I get out of the house for socializing. Even though I want to be a writer, I'm not ready to just sit in the house every day all day and write. I will be getting benefits through Starbucks, like healthcare, dentist, 401K. I know: all the corporate benefits for 20 hours a week. I like a more even life style of working a little all the time rather than working a ton during 3.5 months of the year.

So I will continue to be a barista but not a tax preparer. I now have time, with just one job, to refocus on my writing and my running. My house in Texas is sold and the money is in the bank.

Aside, from material world activities, what is going on in my non-physical? I have time to contemplate and write. I realize my deepest childhood wound. I realize my highest spiritual connection. I have a sense of my soul and who I really am. I feel joy. I feel blessed. These feelings are not wild and crazy ecstasy. These feelings are things you need to stop and consciously experience. When you give them air time, they feel very satisfying.

Even though I work, I realize significant differences between my attitude about working at my engineering job in a corporation and working part time. My corporate job was killing my creativity and my freedom. My part time jobs aren't doing that. The corporation I worked for was a fine enterprise. A good place to work. But somehow, being a part of that culture was killing my inner being. I believe that joy is something present on the inside and every human can access it. I believe that feeling happy is a choice. But, while in the corporate environment, I didn't achieve happiness despite trying every day to apply my tools and knowledge. I felt like I was in jail. I believe that in applying my spiritual tools, I created a new life in a new environment. The path of least resistance was to move on. There have been changes in the corporate department where I used to work. Looking at that, I realize that I still wouldn't want to be a part of it.

There are many people who get up and go to their white collar jobs every day, not being happy. I think many of us have to do this. But as soon as you can find a way out, leave. Make an exit plan. If the plan takes a few years to carry out, then so be it. In the mean time, care for your soul. Nourish your soul consciously.

Youthful Exuberance

Yesterday, I got up at 3 am to spend an hour on my writing project, clocked in at Starbucks at 4:30 am, spent the morning making coffee and taking out the trash, clocked out at 11 am and did shopping quickly for my Secret Santa project, went to a noon meeting because I wasn't tired yet. After the meeting, went home to eat and rest. Then work online for my other job for 2 hours, then suddenly remembered I had a WordPress 101 class so ran off to the library for the class. Got home at 9 pm. Wow! I actually spent more time working at various jobs than I would've at my old job. I'm surprised that a 60 year old is still going this strong.

People think that since I retired, I don't do anything. But now, I'm not chained to one one job all day so have time to fit in many jobs. I'm more energetic than ever since a corporation is not sapping all my energy.

But here's the thing: I felt exhilarated about this day. I was energized by it; not exhausted. Not locked in an office, not bored. I am happy shifting around between various work activities, being flexible. If this busyness is retirement, and it looks pretty busy for the next 5 months, I'll take it. I retired to have more fun and enjoy my life; and that's what my current work gives me.

I got to run for over two hours on a trail today. It was a beautiful day and I love my new trail shoes. Slippery mud? Bring it on!

Just Like I Thought

Howdy Folks!

Hey guess what?

This year, my Christmas stocking is hanging in a Starbucks:

Yeah, thats me. Barista!

For as long as I can remember, I had envisioned retirement as being downsizing and working part time. And that is exactly what has happened. What is a surprise are the writing projects I have going on. Plus the ability to go running on park trails during day light ( spent the 38 years of my career running at 4:30 in the morning).

I have been very happy the past few months since leaving my career. I can't explain why I couldn't stand my career for even one more day. I can explain why I had to get out of Houston (all health related). My attitude about my career sucked and I couldn't go on living like that. So I am glad I changed my venues.

Now, I drive off to work in a snow storm and feel like the luckiest and happiest person on earth. Obviously I feel that way from the inside; not because it is that much fun driving in the snow, or having a job where you take out the trash and make coffee. I just feel better. I feel free. I love my access to trees and wooded pathways.

Besides Starbucks, I also work for H&R Block. I've never worked harder to get a job! You have 60 hours of education plus examinations. And the first year won't be such a big deal as far as pay goes. But after the first year, you have clientele and you make commissions. Eventually, this will be my only occupation. At HRB, I find myself in a leading edge electronic environment. It is exciting to be using the latest; stuff like Watson!

I urge anyone: the instant you can live on a small bit of grocery money, you should down size and shift your life so you have time to enjoy yourself and the world around you. Don't stay employed just for health insurance. I assure you, there are health care solutions and you don't need to be trapped in a corporation. Don't wait for social security retirement age; take social security early if you have to. Get a smaller house if you need to. Don't stay in your corporate job because of the stock market. Life is for living. Give yourself the gift of life as soon as possible.

Last night, I was in a class with about 25 new tax preparers for this region. I noticed several people just like me: tired of the corporation, tired of being in jail 40 hours a week, but not ready to quit. So we have all crafted out individual lives of freedom, doing what seems fun.

Today I went for an 8 mile run and tomorrow, I hope to have time for 12 miles. Then, a Christmas party in the afternoon. I bought myself some new trail running shoes for Christmas.

I love my life and myself for the first time ever.

Super Saturday

Today is a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the 60s. I decided to go to Weston Bend State park for my run. It is hilly. I did 5 laps of the 2.75 mile loop. Here is a video of a beautiful orange tree.

This week I continued to work on my writing project. To augment this work, I got a book from the library on the business of writing. How to be a writer. And I had to rededicate myself to putting my energy into this new phase of my life. Recreating my life is really what I was trying to do  with so called retirement.

So called retirement: well, I did get hired by a sporting goods store to be their part time "Running Specialist." That so plays into my personal brand. And I get to wear a radio. I also have an interview on Monday at Starbucks. The reason for that is that Starbucks has some awesome benefits for part time employees. We'll see. I am open to all creative opportunities, but need to leave space in the schedule for writing.

Overall, my life is enjoyable. Part of the reason for so called retirement was to enjoy my life some time before it is over. So if I get to run in a park for 8 miles every day: Success. That and connect with people. That and spend 2 hours or more a day in spiritual work. You could say that my life is exactly what I wanted.

Retirement week 4

Don't worry, I won't keep weekly reports forever. I do it now because I am so damn happy still.

Tonight I went to my first class at the library; and it was really good. And they are so friendly and eager to help anyone. Such a great resource.

Today, I went to a new trail, Line Creek. This trail wasn't there when I lived in Kansas City before. I really enjoyed it. And, I fixed my toilet. That was exciting because it was really easy.

One of the reasons I retired was to have more time to work on my writing projects. Each day I spend 2 to 3 hours either writing, doing research or now learning about the business end. The original writing part still goes quite slowly but at least I don't have to shut it down in order to go to work.

I am also enrolled in tax school. I have class twice a week and several hours of homework in between. Our first mid-term is this week so tomorrow will be spent studying for that. I think doing taxes will be a good gig; and probably will find another gig.

I've been spending about 2 hours or more a day either jogging or walking. Some days I've gone as much as 20 miles. And I finally got my other exercise equipment and weights set up, so I add that in also; especially on days when there is no class. I am signed up for a 24 hour race in 3 weeks so I am trying to balance time on feet while moderating the running part to prevent injury.

12 step groups are more like spiritual fellowships than whatever you saw on TV about AA meetings. I have reconnected with the AA group I got sober at 33 years ago. It has been exciting to see many of the same people, plus new ones. I was promptly asked to be archivist; and said yes. Service work is important.

I am living on the edge of a new life, discovering new ways of being in the world. I have old beliefs that need to dwindle away. I practice new ways of loving. Letting go of the hustle and strict scheduling. I don't think about my old career hardly at all; and it is very easy to notice when an old resentment comes up so it can be shut down before it gains momentum. What is frequently on my mind is the explanation to myself of why it was financially ok for me to quit my career. Just today, I suddenly realized how much of the day had been spent going over these facts in my mind. Now that I am aware, I can switch channels to the one playing my fabulous future. This work of controlling my thoughts is important because I create my own reality.

Once again, I recommend to anyone who wants to create a fabulous future life, check out Abraham Hicks on YouTube.

Retirement - Week 3

The alarm went off and I got up. And so I have time this morning before running off to accomplish administrative tasks. I had time to reflect on my life and my career; ending in gratitude.

I'm still in a little bit of shock for what I have done. Did I really give up a career and move away? The decision and implementation of the plan took more than a year; but now that it happened, it feels like an impulsive move. But I still agree with it. I needed to move my life on to a different environment.

When I came squirting out of college, it seemed all systems were go for a magnificent and successful career. I had been elected outstanding senior. I had been elected president of engineering societies and leader of a senior project team. I could have got a job anywhere. As soon as I hit the corporate world, something was wrong. I didn't fit exactly. Oh, I am a great engineer, just not really able to commit to a corporation. I didn't really want to work as much was expected. I didn't really care that much how many pounds of product went out the door. "Business" didn't excite me.

My career never made it above technical expert, and then technical expertise became boring futility. I couldn't stand the dead beat managers, lack of recognition and opportunity for creativity. Still, and always, I had more energy invested in my private studies and running endeavors. Privately, I was achieving. At work, I was earning money. So, I guess my career gave what I wanted: money.

Onward. Suddenly, here I am in Missouri and wondering how this happened. That is a long story, yet to be fully unraveled and appreciated. But I still need to move forward. I truly want to do more with my life. So....

Today is exciting. I went to the license office and took care of business. Then I went to the library. OMG! They have so much help for small business and writers. They even have people to help you. They have a book printing machine. They have classes and groups. I got a book! Not knowing anything about running a small business, even a business with only 1 employee has been bothering me. I'm so ignorant of everything. Now, I have a fantastic resource. I know where I will start to learn.

Nothing can stop me. Incredible.

Notice how excited I am. I am excited about my writing project and it was for this that I quit my day job.

Retirement - week 2

The first week of my retirement I spent around the Houston area; packing up my house, running in the rain, trying to avoid mosquitoes. And the moving tuck came.

The second week I spent driving to Kansas City, setting up my new house, running in various parks, beginning tax school, working on my writing project.

Yesterday, the moving truck came. Now all my belongings are here; still mostly in boxes. But the washer and dryer are hooked up and work. I got the printer onto the new network and it works.

Even though I got rid of alot of stuff before I moved, I see that I moved alot of stuff I don't really know what to do with and haven't bothered with for several years. Aggghhh!

What is really important is better thoughts, better feelings. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, "I believe in myself." Wow! What a great thought! When I had a job, I woke up depressed and hateful and hopeless for having to go to work. Last night, I realized that my writing project will take years to complete. I've been pushing it forward everyday, like I worked on it for 3 hours today; but it takes awhile to produce a great work.

I still need to learn to enjoy my existence for its own sake. I feel better than ever about myself; but I suspect that some rocks still need to be dropped.

Today I ran 6 miles in English Landing park. Here is a picture from flicker.

Running here is very easy on my legs and I have good success. I've been feeling very good despite a lot of miles; so I signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of October.

A Moment in Between

Yesterday I spent my time with movers, packing up my house in Texas. Then I drove to Oklahoma and spent the night. Today, I will continue driving to my new home in Missouri.

Some of my thoughts yesterday reflected around how momentous this thing I am doing is. Sure, everybody retires some time. I took my time earlier than most based on a desire to grow. Seriously, I had to move on. Where I worked was "not that bad," in fact pretty good. The condition of the work place alone does not justify quitting.

Finances provided an escape route, something like a catalyst.

But the real crux of the matter is the interior of my heart and soul. There were positive desperate needs and negative desperate needs. Ultimately it came down to a dream, a plan, an idea.

I just started reading a book written by a doctor about addiction, its neuro-science and its childhood development. I have to admit that a few screws were maladjusted in my childhood. This makes for a life outside the norm. And now I can see that I am embracing my truth.

By "outside the norm," I don't mean badly weird. I mean that suburban life, going along, just earning money in a good corporate job and carrying out that life to the end, was not enough. Look, I have moved around alot in my life from job to job. Look, I ran off to a monastery in mid-life because I was interested in contemplative prayer. Look, getting married and having kids could never have been for me.

Without the surroundings of a corporate culture, I don't have to pretend to be like "them" anymore. Like, you work with people daily for years, never talking about sobriety; because they wouldn't understand and might hold it against you. The spirituality of a 12 step program, or ultra-marathoning, is impossible to express to the un-initiated. I even had trouble admitting that I got up at 3:30 am every day in order to have time for both spiritual study and running.

I don't know how my creative ideas will turn out. But I can clearly see the next 2 or 3 trail markings.

I am a bit apprehensive for arrival at my new digs. How will I feel once I finally get there? The whole decision to buy this place and get out of Texas is an emotional affair. Yes, I can scream about logic, but the emotion is really what life is.

So, enjoy the ride. I am where I am. My life is now totally about the "receiving mode." The Receiving Mode is something I heard about from Abraham Hicks. I have to strengthen my spiritual practice above all else.

Wow! Now that I am free, I can allow my mind to just go crazy with ideas and creativity; and I have the means to capitalize.

Holding Pattern

I quit my job a week ago and on Monday a moving truck comes. These few days have been a waiting period. Done with my life here but not yet started with my life there. The rain has hindered running a little bit, but mostly it is the mosquitoes which are keeping me away from the parks. Even if I spray myself, a cloud of the little buggers hovers around me trying to find places which are not sprayed, like my face.

This little holding pattern got me thinking about how my most of my life has been a holding pattern. A holding pattern of waiting for work to be over so I could do what I want.

First look at the pattern: get up at 3:30 am, time for spiritual study, time for exercise, go to work at 6:30 am (to beat the traffic), be at work, come home from work, eat, rest, exercise, read fiction, go to sleep at 10. Five days a week, an incredible 3+ decades of work.

Astonishingly enough, my work as an engineer was mostly boring; only occasionally would an interesting project come along. Rarely was creativity needed. Most of engineering work is "putting the lines on the page." That is, after the initial excitement, carrying out the project is a routine technical activity. Often, completing a project does not bring a reward. They don't tell you this in engineering school, but most of engineering life is putting lines on the page.

There wasn't much dopamine reward in my work pattern. Mostly I went to work to earn the paycheck. My work environment was like many others. It was cynical and underfunctioning. I obeyed the rules. I played nice with others. I kept my mouth shut. Mostly I was surviving. My work was a holding pattern because for most of this life's daylight hours, I was restricted to the work environment. Creative ideas had to be shelved for later or discarded entirely. Even work related creativity mostly got discarded.

My dopamine rewards were not coming from work. The good feeling brain chemicals came from morning and evening exercise, spiritual investigations; and running marathons or ultra-marathons on the weekend. The little medals given at the end of a race represented more rewards than I obtained at work in years. And this comment comes from a highly competent, reliable engineer; not some slacker that nobody liked.

Americas best minds are warehoused in the work related holding patterns. Every corporation is wasting these resources. I am not unique.

So is it any wonder that I left the system as soon as possible? I am filled with creative ideas. I want to carry them out. Even the act of writing this blog would not be possible if I had needed to go to work an hour ago.

Personal Mount Blanc

It is Labor Day in the US. I still had to run outside to put out the garbage since I heard the truck. The waste company has put several people out of work since they went to automated trucks.

I have time to sit and reflect. I read the blogs about the Catholic Church sex scandal, The Benedict Option. I watch YouTube videos of Ultra Trail Mount Blanc (below) and tears come to my eyes. I think of my own situation.

I am on the cusp of quitting my career. I wanted to retire before my body got too old so that I could go in lots of races. As I sit here now, one of my knees is somehow in trouble; so I won't hit the ground running.

The thought crosses my mind as I look at the faces of the three women winners of UTMB (video below), "I want to be who I really am." This thought also brings an important point to the surface. I am quitting my career, not just because I have the money, but because I was caught in fake me.

Real me is an athlete and scholar; and has been allotted an hour or two of living each day for my career. Real me is incredibly smart, creative and peruses the metaphysical universe seeing the energy connections of life itself. Real me runs miles and lifts weights. The fake me shoves itself into a corporate box and uses the intelligence to out perform inferior colleagues, please under-functioning bosses and make money. The real me is bored with an engineering job which became rote a couple of years ago, and frustrated with the niche of expertise. The fake me continues to wish for some sort of corporate recognition; which will never come because thats not what corporations do. Fake versus Real is an emotional conflict which I am allowing Real to win. I want to be authentic.

Now, facing retirement, the real me is eager for more time to write, to work on web pages, to learn the business end of being a professional writer, having a personal brand. No one can stop me.

I, and we all, have an inner spirit, a real me, that refuses to be boxed. For the first time in my life, I have the finances to give the real me both space and time. I realize a transformation will occur. Even I, who knows that inner energy, don't really know what will happen.

I have my own version of Mount Blanc. I've been climbing for years. Sometime soon, the next few years, I'll reach the finish line. And then go on.

I will keep the agreement with my inner spirit. I'm leaving the ordinary world and stepping into the extraordinary. Yes I can.

Entrepreneur Journey

Most people I know think I am retiring; however, I think of myself as becoming an entrepreneur starting phase 3 of my life. An unlikely thing for an engineer who has long worked for corporations.

June a year ago, I had an idea. Actually, I was praying at the time, something like this, " God, what do you want me to do with this? What was it for?" The "this" of the prayer was the 4 years spent in a monastery, and the more than 30 years spent in daily study of the great books by philosophers and theologians. Suddenly... Eff! .... That's what I could do!

It was an idea for an app, but it was also a way to put in writing the thousands of facets of my relationship with my soul. And this writing project was something I wanted to do above all else.

The idea for an app, and maybe related opportunities, expressed the dream of my life. It was a viable idea because I knew that I could do everything necessary to bring it to life. And what ever I didn't know, I could easily find out in order to bring the idea to fruition. I immediately started to work on it and I've done that everyday for a year and a couple of months. The app needed content and I have been writing the content.

After I got that idea, I knew it was just a matter of time before I quit my day job to work full time on my idea. In February of this year, I realized that I had the funding to live simply until I was 65, not even touching my retirement nest egg. After that realization, I began to get up in the morning and the first thought through my head was, "When am I going to quit?" Every Morning I was getting up and working for 40 minutes on my writing project. And then my momentum would have to be slammed into a wall as I had to go to work.

So I realized that I needed to pick a date. I couldn't go on indefinitely wanting to quit. I picked a date. Now I realized that when I walked out of my company, I would be taking the expertise with me as I was the one in the work group that knew how to do everything (my boss didn't). So to be fair, I gave several months notice. March of this year, I submitted my resignation.

Now, I've lived with that decision for several months. I only have 4 more working days until "retirement." I've never thought that my decision was wrong; but there have been many moments of self query. My gut feeling was always in favor of ditching the day job. I created this path; and starting to walk down it, I see it is a pretty easy path and it is filled with miracles (God doing for me what I can't do for myself). The ease and good feelings about the initial steps let me know I have chosen the correct spiritual path, the path of my heart's desire. It is like paddling down stream.

I am a kick ass engineer and I know for certain that I can produce a kick ass product out of words; and sell it.