On Love

 This morning, I was reading an essay by a philosopher, Bertrand Russell, in his book of essays "Why I am not a Christian." The particular essay is entitled The Good Life.  "Love is a word which covers a variety of feelings...Love is an emotion...on one side pure contemplation; on the other, pure benevolence." 

Suddenly it struck me, as my mind flashed on Jesus' saying "God is love."

God is an emotion. My mind expanded into the universe. 

Abraham always says, "There is great love here for you." Abraham is non-physical energy communicating through one woman. But Abraham is also teaching people about how to connect with higher consciousness. When Abraham says that there is great love for us in non-physical consciousness, what do I take that to mean? Abraham has helped me to deliberately and consciously choose how I want to feel at any given moment. Love is a feeling. God is love. There is great love here for me. Non-physical is here. I am a sentient being. What does love feel like? Love is a variety of feelings. Love is non-physical here in the material world too.

Love is a confusing word. Did my parents love me? Coming from a troubled home, I didn't have that experience. I don't have a husband or children, so I don't know what that type of love means. I love dogs.

In 12 Step groups, people often have difficulty with the idea of God. They really don't want anything to do with it, and this thinking is the biggest defeat of Alcoholics Anonymous. In step 3 we are to turn our will and our life over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Elsewhere, the textbook of AA calls that power "God as we understood Him." Religion fouls people up because they are seeking a personality, an entity, or a voice to turn their will and their life over to. In my thinking this morning, I thought, "Holy shit! God is an emotion. In this word, there are big implications." We get out of obsessing for alcohol or drugs by getting out of ourselves, usually by a benevolent act, like helping another. 

Love is a word. God is love. Love is an emotion or a variety of feelings ranging from pure contemplation to pure benevolence. I am a sentient being. Sentient means I am aware of feelings. I can feel. Love is a feeling. My consciousness is mainly made of the translation of feelings. Thoughts come after feelings. That is, I feel and then I have a thought about how that feeling came to exist. Love is a feeling. God is love. Love exists as a feeling. Love is never a thing or an entity. God is never a thing or an entity. 

I can deliberately think and feel my way into love. Contemplate nature or help someone. Feel the feelings.

Geek out on this for crying out loud. It is amazing to have the door open to love and God and the greatness of everything.

A Love Story

 One of the interesting and most cherished things about my sobriety is the people who I've known for 35 years. My life has moved around the country, but I have now settled in the place where I got sober and these people are still here. We are now all old. This story is about one of them.

As a 26 year old female, I entered the halls. I was single, pretty new to the mid-west, having come from California. Angry. Hateful. Shattered.

In the hall, I found people older than me, but much wiser. Every meeting was a discussion of wisdom I didn't have. I was new to it all. I admired these wise elders. By elder, I mean people in their thirties and forties seemed much wiser than me.

One of these people was a man named Milt. Milt had about 3 years in the program ahead of me. He was an engineer. About 50. He had a wonderful wife who was also in the program and very wise. Both of them had meaningful things to say. Their marriage and love was a thing I was jealous of, and dissed myself because I didn't have such a thing.

Milt had a habit of handing out hugs. He also always said, "Has anyone told you they loved you today?" And he, upon my no answer, would say that he loved me. That used to make me mad. I thought he was just saying it and didn't mean it. He had real love with his wife. I had nothing. No love for myself or anyone else.

Decades go by. Sometimes I attend that AA hall. Sometimes I'm living somewhere else.

When I moved back to town 2 years ago, I started attending a meeting where Milt always goes. Now I am 61 and he is 89. His wife passed away several years ago and he is a cancer survivor. He still drives himself around and lives alone. Since the virus lock down, he hasn't been out much. Last night was the first time he has been back to that meeting. It is a small meeting and every body there is old. Everybody has decades of sobriety.

Last night, as I came in and sat down, Milt came over. He had an angel coin that he wanted me to have and he said he loved me. The meeting went on. Milt sat there behind his mask, looking around the room. He shared on the Daily Reflections. We closed the meeting and left.

This morning, I noticed the angel coin sitting on my counter. I thought about Milt and this long history of saying he loved me. And I thought about the fact that Milt won't be around much longer, and he knows it. I realized that I believe Milt loves me. That Milt loves everyone and all of life. That love is really Love, it is everywhere and true for everyone.

So stick around AA. Keep improving your emotional sobriety. You too will come to know Love.

Letter 5/31/20

The most interesting, poignant, thing happened today. I was running in a small park which is out in the county, surrounded by fields. The park itself is very uncrowded almost all the time, which is why I like using it. Today I was running 2 mile laps and stopping at my car for drinks of water. The run was going very well and I was appreciating it.

During my last lap, I noticed a very very small fawn. It was all by itself and making this pathetic little bleating cry. Very small. No mama deer anywhere in sight. Oh my god. My heart was crushed. This poor little fawn had no mama. About that time, another car came by on the park road. It slowed down looking at the fawn, but also, I was out in the road too. They rolled down their window when they got to me. I asked if they had their phone could they call an animal shelter or something. I pointed out that the fawn had no mama. 

We were not able to call anyone right then, it being Sunday. I said that I would try to call later. As I jogged away, I noticed that the young man had got out of their car and was walking toward the fawn. I assume that they caught it, as it wasn't there when I drove by after I finished my lap. 

Such an amazing thing to see human hearts reach out to this tiny living being who would die without help. Oh, yeah. The people who stopped to help the fawn were black. 

I don't know much about love,but I think this was it.

In other news, I am just over half way in my virtual run across Tennessee. In the month of May, I jogged or walked 335.7 miles.  The winners of the race finished in 11 or 12 days (621 miles). And many of them are participating in a race back to the start. I know of a 73 year old lady who is planning to walk there and back within the 4 month allowed time frame. Me? Once, I get across Tennessee, I'm done.

Here is a map of the course and my location. And, the race t-shirt came yesterday.

Suffering

From Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" page 42:

"The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of trick learned while mastering the art of living. Yet it is possible to practice the art of living even in a concentration camp, although suffering is omnipresent. To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative."


I find this explanation completely astonishing. Like, wow! It is only recently that I began to find joyful thoughts before I went out in the world. And it was this morning that I decided I could feel my life full of love, even there is no husband/lover to focus on. I could still just tap into an existential love; hence I no longer needed to be pissed off because I don't have a lover. Then, this evening, I read this little bit from Dr. Frankl and feel completely filled with the rightness of my current approach to life.

But, I still eat my broccoli.

Satisfaction

Satisfaction with yourself and your life, that is the dilemma of my generation.

We began with Vietnam, women's lib, black panthers and peoples park. Then, we became white collar yuppies because money helped a lot. We raised kids in protective custody since those child molesters were out there. We divorced.

I never partook of family life, marriage and parenthood. But I got the money. I joined the running boom and never left it. Now, 3 decades after college, what of my life?

My life has shaped its meaning around a search for God and for self esteem. As I sit here now, I can consciously grasp admiration for myself. I came from an impossibly alcoholic and dysfunctional home. I made the best of college and was employed. I began a spiritual path.  I got sober. I lived four years in a monastery.

The real story is inside. Do I love myself today? Today, right now this morning, I realized that I need to feel satisfaction with and for and as that soul which has adventured through this world in its own way. I look at my life and all its emotional journeys and admire all that I have done and been. The thing about this morning is that I realized that being dis-satisfied with myself has been a lurking secret inside. A secret, a whisper. A tiny grain of self hate always lodged in my energy pattern, always irritating. But as soon as I felt it, it vanished. When I look consciously, there is nothing about me to hate. That soul which I am is fantastic. That soul which I am has had a great life. My life long spiritual life has brought me to this moment: satisfaction with the soul that I am. My own soul is good enough. My soul is loving.

To be satisfied with my own self, has always been an available choice or decision to feel good. The problem has always been that I didn't know it was up to me. I looked out at the world and was jealous of seemingly better people. I didn't know that I could at any moment, grasp my own inner being and feel love. And maybe this morning was my most conscious ever realization that I was secretly feeling dis-satisfied with myself but could just turn that around in a heart beat. My secret, now not a secret, was killing me. I'm glad that I don't have to go out today and feel dis-satisfied.

I admire the inner me and all my life's exterior journeys.

Today, when I stand at the window at Starbucks and hand out wonderful drinks, the smile will also beam its way into the heart of the people I meet. I hope they feel good by osmosis. My smile will be genuine.

Just Like I Thought

Howdy Folks!

Hey guess what?

This year, my Christmas stocking is hanging in a Starbucks:

Yeah, thats me. Barista!

For as long as I can remember, I had envisioned retirement as being downsizing and working part time. And that is exactly what has happened. What is a surprise are the writing projects I have going on. Plus the ability to go running on park trails during day light ( spent the 38 years of my career running at 4:30 in the morning).

I have been very happy the past few months since leaving my career. I can't explain why I couldn't stand my career for even one more day. I can explain why I had to get out of Houston (all health related). My attitude about my career sucked and I couldn't go on living like that. So I am glad I changed my venues.

Now, I drive off to work in a snow storm and feel like the luckiest and happiest person on earth. Obviously I feel that way from the inside; not because it is that much fun driving in the snow, or having a job where you take out the trash and make coffee. I just feel better. I feel free. I love my access to trees and wooded pathways.

Besides Starbucks, I also work for H&R Block. I've never worked harder to get a job! You have 60 hours of education plus examinations. And the first year won't be such a big deal as far as pay goes. But after the first year, you have clientele and you make commissions. Eventually, this will be my only occupation. At HRB, I find myself in a leading edge electronic environment. It is exciting to be using the latest; stuff like Watson!

I urge anyone: the instant you can live on a small bit of grocery money, you should down size and shift your life so you have time to enjoy yourself and the world around you. Don't stay employed just for health insurance. I assure you, there are health care solutions and you don't need to be trapped in a corporation. Don't wait for social security retirement age; take social security early if you have to. Get a smaller house if you need to. Don't stay in your corporate job because of the stock market. Life is for living. Give yourself the gift of life as soon as possible.

Last night, I was in a class with about 25 new tax preparers for this region. I noticed several people just like me: tired of the corporation, tired of being in jail 40 hours a week, but not ready to quit. So we have all crafted out individual lives of freedom, doing what seems fun.

Today I went for an 8 mile run and tomorrow, I hope to have time for 12 miles. Then, a Christmas party in the afternoon. I bought myself some new trail running shoes for Christmas.

I love my life and myself for the first time ever.

Rampage of Love

Early yesterday morning, as I was deciding whether to get out of bed, the word "love" popped into my mind. Maybe that word alone was why I got out of bed. In my writing practice, I decided to write on this word and see what came out.

At this time in my life, I am in a dopamine desert. I am not playing the dopamine reward game with anyone; most particularly a work environment. If you have not read so much on neuroscience, maybe you don't know that every human brain loves dopamine. We feel good when we have dopamine. Most of us unconsciously go from situation to situation attempting to trigger a dopamine hit. We try to get other people to approve of us, thus triggering the dopamine; or we find an addiction which triggers the dopamine.

The game is to get another person or situation to somehow make you feel good for a little while, like through praise or recognition, approval, reward, honor, etc.

I should mention that the first Christian monks went to the desert to practice contemplation. My dopamine desert is an analogy with those early desert monks. Stop for a moment and imagine yourself in a very silent desert cave, gazing at a star filled sky, and feeling the divine presence. That is how I want to experience my desert.

I came to my dopamine desert. I brought with me a dream. A dream of creating and giving. That is, I would take my monastic education and spiritual studies, write and publish for others. It is a dream of connection without distraction with all that is; and receiving vibrations which I would turn into words and give to others. I would turn vibrations into thoughts and then words, thus making the creative dream a reality.

To have my dream and to live in the dopamine desert, I must believe in myself and in cosmic reality, the forever partnership of us. I have a monastic education, that is, I lived in monastic formation for 3 years. Life as a monk gave me tools for consciously enabling the divine partnership. I also have sources for ongoing spiritual education.

Most of all, I have my own soul. Every soul speaks towards their human in quiet whispers. Every human can tune themselves to their soul.

Everything I do before I die will be to enhance and enjoy the relationship with my soul and the miracle of my human life. There is an unconditional love which doesn't depend on the world's dopamine rewards and which embraces the human spirit.

Everyone has a path and access to the soul. How conscious are we? I approach the monk's life of direct focus on the divine presence more than once in my nearly 6 decades of life.

This little journal post was started with the word love and you can see where it lead me. Implicitly, to know the divine presence is to love unconditionally.

Self Transcendence 31/52

Colonoscopy over: My bowels are completely healthy and no issues.

I guess my inner bowels are doing well also.

Reflection: This just came to me: The essence of the world is Love. And you should know, when I left the monastery in 2003, I received these words from my intuitive self, "Love is the predominate mode of existence."

I am able to participate analytically in the evolution of humankind. I have both the scientific and spiritual education. This is why I am not locked in a monastic choir stall or on a cushion in an ashram. But I have never accepted my role as equal to those granted special places, like religious sisters or gurus. I need to accept myself. I wanted consciousness and I got it. I need to stop being pissed that it didn't come with a white light experience or flowing robes.

I am serving others whether I like it or not.

Long Weekend - Non-Valentine's

I don't participate in Christmas or Thanksgiving for matters of conscience. What about Valentine's Day? I don't have a boy friend, so nothing to decide. But I have refused candy and cookies since I continue to abstain from the great American eating machine, the culture of excess and super-size.

Don't super-size me.

In fact, I'm going in a half marathon on Saturday. I'm coming in at a slim 132 lb for a 5'8" female frame. Personally, I think I would be normal weight were this 40 years ago.

It is a 3 day weekend for me. This weekend is my Friday off. I'm going to do what I do every weekend: study spiritual texts, sit in silence, run. I somehow have become once again interested in what Jesus said and did. I continue to seek reconciliation with Jesus apart from religion. And so, I have found a new author who looks at Jesus outside the traditional methods.

If I did in fact make a vow 15 years ago to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer; then I am continuing to fulfill the vow. Shamelessly following Jesus is radical; not your normal church going Christianity, which is anything but shamelessly-following-Jesus. To be in a church is to follow the agenda of men. This I cannot do.

No, I am not a Christian.

Yes, I am against Christianity.

This leaves me as a shameful sight to Christians; anathema. But I shamelessly step up to the plate and say: Jesus was worthy of following but he was not what you say. Love is worth it. I suppose I love Him; and so I do what I do.

The Yearning

The blog was silent for a number of days, as I had nothing to say. But now I am on a 9 day vacation, in the solitude of my house; and there is now space for thinking beyond work and daily life. In that is disclosed the purpose of the monastery or the hermitage. Monks and Hermits are those with the holy leisure, time to ponder something more than survival in the world.

The past 24 hours, I have been attempting to make sense out of the first 6 pages of Plotinus' first Ennead. Plotinus was a philosopher existing around 250 ACE. It occurs to me that 250 ACE was formative for the human mentality. In a sense, the discontinuity of Christ formed and discontinuity in mental evolution. Many of our theories of God and Spirit and Soul were born at this time.

I as a 20th century American have struggled with many of these ideas. I live in an age where access to information is easier than 50 years ago when I was born. This in and of itself explains who I am and my insistence that I satisfy the yearnings of my soul.

Sitting here in Texas, in a cold rain with hot coffee and table lamp, books and journals, I ponder Plotinus. What am I? I feel like St Therese: a little bird which cannot reach the sun.

I answer in my own words. Words not given by Plotinus or A Course in Miracles. Words based in my life and all of its 54 years of experience. The yearning has been with me for a long time. It was a girl on a play ground by herself shooting baskets. A girl walking. A girl riding a bicycle. A girl swimming laps. A girl lieutenant on the traffic squad.

The yearning has been with me forever. And so now I say the I am yearning embodied. I am a yearning principle which lives. All my athletics are yearning. All prayer, all getting out of bed day after day. I accept this state of being. If it me as separate from God that yearns? Or is it Soul that yearns and I am a function of the Soul's yearning? Why would Soul yearn? Still, either way, I am yearning itself.

As yearning, I can also call myself love. Yearning is love. If I achieve stillness, I swing the scale of yearning to silent love, Being Itself. And then I am completely coherent. The problem of yearning is solved.

Surly I will have more reflections.

Chapter 16.I

My ACIM anniversary is only 2 days away. I am on my 9th reading of the Text.

Chapter 16.I: "...sit quietly by and let the Holy Spirit relate through me.  ...I have invited Him [Guest] and He is here. I need do nothing except not interfere."

My ego is ferociously competitive, continuously lashing out against "them" who are higher on the corporate food chain. I feel a victim of "them" who are stupid yet have made it up the ladder. Stories about the middle class on the radio feed fuel into this inner fire.

Yet as I studied A Course in Miracles this morning, I realized there is nothing more important than living the ACIM life. I need do nothing. I am fine. Just let the Holy Spirit do His work without interfering. Continuously give my resentments to Him. Hang on to nothing. This is how I gain inner peace. This is the reality I choose to live in: Love is everywhere.

I have wanted to give a presentation on "Creative and Breakthrough Thinking" for awhile. Today is my day.

My Life - an offering

I really believed this morning that there is a Higher Power called Love (not anthropocentric at all) and that I really want to receive Its love as well as let the dream of my life be an offering of love. I totally see that I can perceive the content of any dream illusion as love.

So yes, this train of thought was a result of A Course in Miracles, 29.IV:
The core of dreams the Holy Spirit gives
is His love for the dreamer.
...each dream becomes an offering of love...
at its center is His Love for me
which lights whatever form it takes with love.

I think a love based life is possible for anyone whether they believe in God or not.

For me, my choice is to believe there is a Higher Power and depend on that power. My Higher Power is love and I source my life from love.

Turn Around Saturday

I have time this morning. I always have more time than most people, but today I have an additional period.

Today's spiritual thoughts from A Course in Miracles Ch 27:
Accept the dream He gave instead of yours.
Rest in the Holy Spirit. Hear His Voice.
Choose a happy wakening and the joy of life.
Dream your brother's loving kindnesses.

This part centers on the secret dream, underneath the illusion of reality.

I woke up this morning before the alarm and wondered why no one seems to know the Holy Spirit. But as I write this, I know that I do know; when I switch to my deeper non-ego consciousness. Giving up the ego thought system, I see my brother's innocence and kindness. My dream is much happier.

Well, I would say that since moving to Texas a year ago, my dream improved dramatically.

Today it is raining and I go to work later. So I think I'll work out on my ex-machines.

I mentioned yesterday about the spousal relationship to Jesus in the theology of the consecrated religious. But the explanation mentioned "...in the deepest level of one's reality, to be betrothed to Transcendence." Now this is the part I relate to. Somehow this betrothal surfaced into my conscious mind. I have pursued it from both an ego level and a spiritual level. Since before going to the monastery, in fact since my trip to Jerusalem when I was 22, my life has been seized by Christ and reordered. Since leaving the monastery, I have become counter-cultural in ways that affect my daily living to the smallest detail. I cannot go along with the degradation of the human person which our society seems to support. I just can't let go of this and put up with the friction it causes me.

I am speaking of Love who is the most important relationship I have.

Do You Love God?

It seems to me that if God is love, He doesn't notice Fat Tuesday or Ash Wednesday because all He knows is love.

I think that the idea of guilt free eating plus 40 days of penance throws shit into the face of love. Now love doesn't care if you throw shit into its face. But how do you feel about it?

I mean why do you over indulge and then retreat into the desert alone with God, deep into the heart of Love? (A Biblical theme for Lent).

I agree with a life as steady as possible, without distractions, focused on Love everyday. Not just special occasions. And I also mean that one can have inner God focused peace even when the world seems in turmoil around you. This is what surrender (total self gift) achieves.

"Return to Me.....with all your heart...."

Love

My spiritual creed starts with a prayer: Father in Jesus' name remind me of

Your love for me and of my love for You.

And so, if God is love, then this prayer is answered. In every way my life becomes about remembering His love for me and mine for Him.

If I think He answered with a painful difficult situation to teach me, then I am seeing it wrong.

So, I have a problem with my knee which is probably a torn meniscus. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Did God send it as a difficulty for me to learn or is it an expression of love which I am seeing incorrectly?

I have no neutral thoughts. I see no neutral things. All the meaning I see is what I decided. So, do I choose a loving God or a tyrant?

What is the content of a torn meniscus? Not the form, the content. Am I filled with fear? If so, then I didn't choose a loving God but a tyrant.

You realize that society, history and the Judeo-Christian tradition teach that God is a tyrant.

I am forced to change my ideas of what I will do. I am an athlete, but the ego of running and racing is torn from me. Fitness becomes a quiet manifestation with no meaning in the world. Something which has no worldly aspect (ie, not where others can see and react), cannot be of the ego. Hence, it has the potential of being love.

Does it make sense that God is a choice? Yes. If I decided he is a tyrant, then that is what I think. If he actually is love, he wouldn't attempt to change me. He would wait until I wanted him; at which point He would send immediate help. Even so, it takes awhile for me to change my choices and beliefs, at least from my perspective.

No, the enlightened or special religious don't have an edge because of their position or religious validation. We all have an equal chance to live in God's love or not.

I want the content of my life (mind) to be love. And so, that is the help I am given.

Who am I?

And what am I doing here?

I am the woman I always wanted to be.

But the meaning of my life doesn't seem to be known to me.

I thought going to a monastery would be meaningful. Last night, I had a dream about it. I was in the monastery and was to be professed that evening. I had been asked to come back, pre-approved for profession. So I went because I wanted to be joined. But, I also wondered, "Why do you want to join this place when you have looked at their blog for the past 2 years and thought it was stupid? Why do you want to spend every day on Catholicism? You don't believe in it."

As I sit here and type, I think, "Whats wrong with running?" Look at the girl in the picture who is running a decent but not fast half marathon. She is happy. Several e-friends have said they are jealous of the muscle cut arms. In the original picture I have here at home, I look even better.

My quest of transcendence might be a quest to merely be human.

Americans are taught to keep trying to be more. This teaching produces agitation and dis-satisfaction with ordinary loving situations.

I'd love to go back to the Silverton 1000 and run for six days. But I'm pretty sure that the current condition of my knee would bump me off the steep hills on the first day. Whats wrong with totally pleasant half marathons interspersed with 20 hours of training a week?

At work, several great things happened. On Thursday, after a long day of goal setting with the Basic Chemicals team, I was apologizing to the leader for not staying for happy hour; because such things are usually semi-mandatory team building. He said that it was totally optional and no one should ever apologize for not staying or feel bad for not staying. That is the first time that the guilt has been totally removed. He was a messenger of love.

Yesterday, the Environmental Control manager drove me all around the site and pointed out all the water, utilities and infrastructure items he is responsible for. Really, the Chem-park where I work is huge. Nearly a city with 3,000 people and the massive usage of materials as well as disposal needs. I felt very good about riding around and seeing all the sites. He was a messenger of love.

Then, after a very long meeting, I got a golf cart ride from a guy named Mohammed who is very strictly practicing Halal. He is my co-worker and about 20 years younger and really cute. He was asking me how I liked Houston and talking about how he missed the Philadelphia ghetto. It came down to a friendship discussion and how few real friends (maybe only one) we had. He understood when I said that with most people I carry on superficial relationships, not saying anything important but getting along fine. See, he may be on the opposite end of a religious continuum than me, but we feel the same. I left him feeling like he was a real friend simply because we could discuss the subject of friendship. He was a messenger of love.

Whats wrong with being satisfied with a friend in a chemical plant above monastic profession or ultra-marathoning?

Is this love?

Or this?

We should accept all love as equal, no matter where it is found. Nobody is more holy than anyone else.

God is Love

I went to sleep last night thinking my spiritual quest was in such a shambles. My structure has fallen apart. I don't believe anyone else's teachings. As a side note, my life is in limbo as I haven't heard back about a major variable.

Today, Sunday, I did my usual sleeping in and I got up with no idea what I'm doing. I sat down with my coffee and wrote, "Spirituality. Pittsburgh. KC=just show up and do your best."

Then I closed my eyes and remembered the nurturing presence I call love. I have faith in love. I trust this love. I surrender to love. (Somehow the thought of surrender put angst about Pittsburgh to bed).

God is love. But we never really know God. We know love; especially if we are willing to explore love in its abstract form. We don't know God. Even those who have had the big enlightenment don't know God. This is because the enlightenment is experienced through a biochemical reaction in the brain; which can be reproduced through various physical means. Love doesn't do this. It is illogical to identify love as anything more than pure is-ness.

God is love. Not just what Paul says in Corinthians (patient, kind etc.), but the underlying substrate of everything. I mean the substrate of the atom, nurturing the photon. I mean the substrate of the universe, nurturing the birth of suns and galaxies. As a substrate, love just is.

Love is. I can sit quietly and feel nurtured by love. This nurturing feeling is a return to the birth of my consciousness; the time when I came to be. That time is now. I am always now and never before or to be. Now is the meaning of love. My feelings are my faith. The truth is that this love just is. If love is a consciousness, it is a different consciousness than mine. Our relationship is carried out in the intangible such as surrender, trust and faith. Love is not graspable and this quality is what makes it truly God.

Today is a beautiful day outside. I am going to load up my hydro-pak and go for a suburban hike.

I and Love

In solitude, in prayer, there is nothing wrong with stopping at the idea of love. Nothing more is needed than the simple remembrance. From there it is easy to attach to the generalized subtle presence of love. Just make sure not to add anything to it. Leave love as a no-thing.

This morning as I thought of my apparently meaningless and useless life, I also thought: The meaning of life is not out there but in here. Who I am is in the silence. "I" do not have a context. I want to know this "I" which is my truth.

My essence, the truth within me is the non-contexted "I" which I want to know. This "I" is no different than the generalized presence of love which I find in simple remembrance. If I was at all to agree with the concept of oneness, then it would be this. My truth and love are the same.

God is Love

ummmm........of course you've heard this before.

But what I'd really like to say is forget everything you've ever heard about God anywhere. Just reflect on the idea of love. Love is all there is to God; nothing more. Love does not need to be prayed to and shouldn't be asked for anything since all has already been given. Let the idea of love be abstract, not attached to a person or event in this world. You'll have more success with it that way.

Here is my Spiritual Creed as it has evolved over the past couple of months:

If I am afraid, I am deceived.
I am spirit, grace means most to me.
Fear is lack of love. Atonement heals.
Expanding love is my reality.

In the holy instant, thou I see.
Thou art miracles come forth as love.
I am not alone. My love is here.
My love is the undoing of the dream.
The voice of love comes from deep within me.
I hear love speak quietly in my mind.

Giving and receiving are the same.
Full appreciation is my gift.
The innocent see perfection truly.
Love vision is where they put all their faith.
My mind holds only light and it shines out.
I see love's majesty in all others.

God is not symbolic. He is love.
Love's peace is always firm. On it I stand.
Into love's hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens from the dream.
Truth is my commitment. Joy I am.
Love is my intention. Silence seen.

Love based thinking is my one desire.
Inner peace is what I really want.

What was said...

...while I ran and had to remember later.

This morning, I ran a one mile loop at a place called The Sanctuary. It is a tiny place of nature. I ran 21 miles; 1.5 hours in a gentle rain. Thunder boomed overhead, but it was not a serious storm and I decided to defy it and keep running. It is a magic thing, long distance running is. I maybe don't feel like I can run 5 hours at the start. I only think it. But, as the day wears on, it materializes one lap at a time. I just keep going.

Then, I was laying on the bed this afternoon, pondering my quest for my soul. The most wisdom I seem to have is: I don't know. There is no glory in it. When in doubt be silent and wait. At least I'm not destroying myself by watching TV and eating cake. I wish....I ask....

At last, trying to resolve the inner issue, Nature repeats what it said this morning:
Lap after lap, I watched the turtle dig its way into the mud.
An egg fell from a nest in a tree.
The deer were nibbling grass, and then ran away.
The squirrel did not budge from the branch on which it was sitting.
An occasional flower and brilliant green trees and grass.
Lots of water in the water fall.
A pretty little blue bird.
Muskrats.
Thunder.
Rain.
The runner kept running.

From my position on my bed, I thought to myself, "Doing nothing, being nothing, is a very difficult thing. Seeking my soul, I seem to achieve nothing."

And again, a soulful reply, "only love could have wondered about the turtle, or been sad about the egg, or noticed how delicate the young deer was."

And so I know that all is within me and looks out from me. There is no other place for it to be. I am it and it is me. We are that consciousness and there is no other.