Ashes of Specialness

I've been contemplating this picture:

I got it off Face Book, so it is a public thing. I know the person. I know she is about to receive ashes. I see she now wears a veil. This seems like it should be an intimate moment, not a thing for FB or to be photographed at all. But since it is, I've been pondering it for several days.

I lived in various states of membership with this religious order for more than three and a half years. Because of FB, I can look in the window every day and see a new glimpse of people I am attached to.

So the picture is an intimate moment. I can't really figure the holiness of the Catholic practice of ashes. Actually, I think, "How dare the male priest hierarchy put ashes on anyone's forehead let alone the pure of heart as I know this sister to be."

Over the past 3 or so years, I've been watching veils appear in these photos. This sister was not one of the first. And she does have lovely hair. You can google the meaning of the veil. For me at this moment, I don't think it adds to anyone's holiness. But I know that young women who might want to be nuns are attracted to orders that wear habits. It is a false notion that a habit adds to spirituality. In fact, I think it detracts from the difficult job of renunciation. Renunciation not of the world but of ego things. The habit and veil are clearly of the ego because the show specialness.

The veils in this religious order show a growing conservatism and obedience to the male hierarchy. And the whole reason I'm no longer Catholic is because that hierarchy is criminal. Yes, even the new lovable saying all the right things pope is a criminal because he continues to harbor criminal priests.

I need to continue to find the holiness and love that this picture was meant to convey. I can easily find the holiness and love in my own quiet meditation, or fellowship meetings, or reading Q's Gospel. But my God is not punitive and I am not a sinner. Humility needed? Yes. But existentially or ontologically bad? No.

Pre-Lent Message

Don't lurk at the foot of the cross.

I completely believe that all of us should move on to: the sunlight of the spirit, or heaven or whatever you want to call the resurrection world.

If you practice Lent, practice the idea of being alone with God and having loving conversation.

If you lurk at the foot of the cross, you'll never realize you are not guilty. If you want the sunlight of the Spirit, step into it right now. It is yours. No suffering needed. Accept it.

After all, you get what you project. If it is light, then that is what you get.

Do You Love God?

It seems to me that if God is love, He doesn't notice Fat Tuesday or Ash Wednesday because all He knows is love.

I think that the idea of guilt free eating plus 40 days of penance throws shit into the face of love. Now love doesn't care if you throw shit into its face. But how do you feel about it?

I mean why do you over indulge and then retreat into the desert alone with God, deep into the heart of Love? (A Biblical theme for Lent).

I agree with a life as steady as possible, without distractions, focused on Love everyday. Not just special occasions. And I also mean that one can have inner God focused peace even when the world seems in turmoil around you. This is what surrender (total self gift) achieves.

"Return to Me.....with all your heart...."

Lent in the Rule of Benedict

"The life of a monk ought to be a continuous Lent. Since few however, have the strength for this, we urge the entire community during these days of Lent to keep its manner of life most pure and to wash away in this holy season the negligences of other times...let each one deny himself some food, drink, sleep, needless talking and idle jesting, and look forward to holy Easter with joy and spiritual longing." (Rule of Benedict 49)


Living somewhat austerely is something of a habit for me. Austere in terms of food, running, solitude and spiritual study instead of entertainment and participation in society. My life continues to drive in that direction because what I really want is beyond negligences, food, drink, needless talk and idle jesting. A Lenten life is one of the ongoing legacies left me from monastic life.

I always wanted to be a thoughtful person. Unfortunately, I don't think I have too many authentic, true, honest or inspirational thoughts. But part of why I limit my input from society and even too many books is to allow thoughts to come from the inside of me. I have stuck to one spiritual text for 2 1/2 years hoping to go deeper into Spirit. I think I am, but have not learned enough to explain anything.

So much of my thoughts are wrapped up in differences; how I seem to rub people the wrong way for being healthy or eating right. I'm worried about tomorrow. I have a meeting most of the day with "the guys" at work. They are bringing donuts and candy for snacks and going to a steak house for lunch. I go along, but it will be another occasion where I have to endur little comments about my eating habits. They would not understand someone who lives on as little as I do or who has two pieces of bread and an apple for lunch.

I have made choices in my life. I want the internal more than the external. I want to be an athlete and a meditator more than I want to care for family or engage in social events. Now, I need to learn peace with the areas of my life where society and asceticism need to mix. I have not got beyond the stage where I view relationships as anything but a hot stove. I will have to touch it and I will feel my ego burning. After such events, I go and do what I need to do the keep from dwelling in hatred of others. It involves taking my own thought inventory and giving the hatred to Jesus (or Pierre; Jesus and I have considered changing his name).

Going deeper: I have signed up for a 24 hour run on March 19 and 20. I am so excited to see what will happen to me.

Lent - The End of the Desert

Last night and this morning, I was working on my lesson for today: “I loose the world from all I thought it was.”

I thought of all the people and institutions for which I had expectations or defining thoughts or projections. It was a further awakening to my thought projections; what I expect of others, my assumptions about why they treat me the way they do.

Then I thought of my Lenten journey. I said I was going to be in a desert, going deeper into Christ with a focused intention. I think I have been in a period of letting go. But this morning, I raised my eyes to Easter. I realized that starting today, I am thinking more of a garden existence that a desert existence. This is new thinking: I am willing to dream a garden and quit dreaming the terror and frustration I see in the world. The Lenten desert of barren landscapes was an in between place of healing.

It’s not a new realization for me: the root character defect or limiting belief of mine is that I think there is something wrong with me. Put another way: I’m not good enough. Based on this belief, I dreamed a world where I am not good enough to “win” or there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed before I will know God. With this belief, I never would have entered a garden. I didn’t want a garden. I wanted barrenness. I felt comfortable in barrenness. A garden would be too loving and comfortable. There is some aspect of God which exists in the garden which I didn’t want to face. I could only deal with a raw and windswept God of the desert. I could only be a desert flower clinging to life through a crack in the rocks. Now, I think I could be verdant, fragrant, and rooted in rich moist soil. I am willing to face the abundantly loving and caring aspect of God.

I am now willing to exist at peace in a garden. No, I won’t go buy candy or new clothes. I will dream differently. I’ll put the energy of abundance of spirit into my dream. I’ll put the lushness of peace and the safety of heaven into my dream. I will relax and trust that I am not es-special-ly bad. I am a thought of love, an idea of God, a light. There is no such thing as flawed light; and light is all I am.

The world I see is the one I think I see and the one I decided to see. If I am willing to bring my thoughts into my conscious awareness, then I have a chance of letting them go, or giving them to my higher power. I have a chance of allowing that higher power to heal me.

Personal Statistics: I splurged on food over the weekend. Tuesday, I returned to raw foods and the extra water weight dissipated by this morning already. I am going in the Olathe Half Marathon this Saturday. I am entered in a 50K a couple of weeks from now. The company I work for filed additional SEC paperwork indicating that we must sell or get alternate funding for our closed Illinois facility.

Lent - Monday after the 5th Sunday

I live in a poustinia, a desert. It is my place for being alone and reflecting. I shuffle the pieces of my remembered past and what ever came to me that day. I find patterns that are new. I hear thoughts I never heard before. I see love where it wasn't a moment ago. This is not to say that love shifts but that my ability to see it does.

Some mornings I wake up an atheist; but an atheist with a spiritual path. Some mornings I wake up the most devout of all religious. I shuffle out to the kitchen, sit down with my tea and do exactly the same spiritual path the atheist in me does. My thoughts and feelings waver and shift, but the spiritual path is always laid out for me, no matter my religion for that day.

Yet, I always wake up a runner. There is never a day when I am not a runner. The running never wavers. The most disturbed it ever gets is if some work matter or weather interferes with it. Running is as constant in my life as the spiritual path. For this reason, running cannot be excluded from my spiritual path. Running is integral to who I am. My religion changes, but running never does.

The silence of the runner under a star lit sky, through gently falling snow, around the edge of a pond filled with peepers and croakers, or dancing along the side of a noisy busy road, is no different than the silence of the cloister or the mountain cave.

Easter is within sight. I am taking two days off next week for reflection. The lacing of the shoes and the donning of the cap are my sacramentals. The blue heron and the Kansas meadow lark are my community. The water in my back pack is my communion wine; changed by the liturgy of the run into Life for the world.

Lent - Saturday Before the 5th Sunday

About 10 days ago, I redeemed some points on a credit card and got a free bicycle. It came yesterday, much faster than I expected. Today, I put it together, though the brakes still rub a little on the wheel rim. It is a blue man's mountain bike. Very humble if you ask me. I won't be proud to ride any where and certainly it is not a flashy road bike which could be used for "training." But I hope to use it to go to work sometimes. I only live a mile or so from work, but any little gas savings seems good.

I was sitting, playing free cell on the computer, thinking how unproductive I seem to be, that is, no great spiritual insights, not enough chores completed. In the monastery, on Saturday nights during Lent, we had conferences, reflections on the Gospels. This brought me to thinking about the Gospels, and this brought me to thinking about the vast Holy Presence of Jesus-Alive-Right-Now. I realized that as I play cards, I can turn part of my brain to God and feel that inner Holiness, Divine Consciousness, that asks nothing and sustains all. I don't have to go to a monastery, but I do have to pay attention to that inner Voice.

Thank you Name-Beyond-All-Names for visiting my small self in such a way that I could hear you and expand into Your Son of God Self.

Lent - The Marathoner's Desert

Intuitive thoughts from my meditation today: The truth in me has sought and found and connected with TRUTH. I, at this instant, am able to experience myself as cosmic: one with the Consciousness and not ego imprisoned. The ego’s prison is the illusion that I am still seeking and will never find; that some little bauble from this world can satisfy me.

I approach the marathon. I don’t want to turn it into an exercise in littleness, which I surely will if I go out with a goal of running a 4:05 in order to qualify for Boston (BQ) or to win an age group award (AG). It strikes me that the heart of my marathon experience is rather fragile. I have a sense that my reward is delicate like a butterfly. The goal is obtained by unraveling imperceptible silk threads of divine life, not smashing the whole thing with a hammer. A BQ or an AG attained lead to disappointing littleness; nothing but a smashed dream of self glory. My marathon can be as cosmic as my spirit is, if I realize that the race itself is only a symbol of a spiritual metaphysical effort to disclose the divine truth of the human soul. The running spirit shows me who I really am. The goal is not the finish line at 26.2 miles, but the moment to moment conscious experience of the flow of divine life.

The cosmic marathon is the marathoner’s desert because it has no baubles, no grandiose thrills; and the delicate slender silk threads of divine life are so easily broken or lost.

Lent - Desperate in the Desert

An unusual morning. As I awoke, I sensed the lights outside winking out. But somewhere, my brain knew that the tea had already been made. So I got up to see and sure enough, the tea pot was hot. In that short 25 foot trip to the kitchen, I thought, why do I get up at 3:10 to do spiritual study and meditation? Why not sleep? What do I think I am accomplishing?

A few minutes later, a hot cup of tea in my hand and a light emanating from my forehead (!), I sat down at my table. I could hear the power company outside, actually I think they had been working all night, so I assumed it would not be long before the power was back on. Actually, at 3:25, it did come back on. Then, I promptly spilled my tea and had to make another pot.

But I was pondering my question: Why do I bother wanting to know God? One thing I like about ACIM is it's approach of encouraging me to seek the Voice for God myself (ref WB 124), don't just listen to the text. So that is what I did this morning. My thoughts went like this. I thought about how desperately I want to see Christ's face. I want to see it in my brothers and everywhere. This face, for which you could use another name like Atman or Buddha or Tao or Self, represents love and safety; and "making it." Making it? My term, making it, is a two faced coin or a two edged sword. It can be positive: I honestly sought God in response to a call from God. The term can be ego based: I earned or cheated or stole the coveted state of enlightenment.

I saw clearly that what I believe is a choice. If I believe the ego's voice, then my spirituality is a search for a cheap thrill, and I should go back to bed. If I believe the Voice for God, then my desire for God and journey to God is with Help; and is a pure and holy result originating with Cause. To listen to the ego is to poison and kill what could be the most tremendous gift and extravagant source of wealth: my deep and incredible faith, sustained for years, and sure belief that the All Powerful is carrying me to Himself.

I get what I choose. If I choose God, I get connection and peace. I am immediately there.

Hence, I prostrate before my faith and my choice and Christ: I give myself completely and totally to the desire for God and unabashedly proclaim my undivided relentless pursuit of Love.

I am powerless over this.

Lent - Desire for Jesus

In 2003, August, I got kicked out of the monastery. The story of how this decision was made is not what I am up to at the moment. What I am up to at the moment is Jesus. The day before I left, I was in the office of my novice director (this is not the story of our failed relationship either). I remember telling her I was totally afraid that if I left there I would lose Jesus. In fact, I did lose the nice safe well defined Jesus that they worshipped and pretended to be espoused to (as if anyone could actually be a bride of Christ). But it is true, you cannot keep playing the game if you are not living in their tiny environment without any challenges to the theology.

What I am up to now is connecting with God apart from not only the monastic support environment but also that of the Roman Church or any other Christian denomination. I have dared to study various scholars and come to believe that we do not know what Jesus said and did and that this information is not contained in the Bible. However, I do have faith in a power greater than myself. I am learning to be comfortable with a God beyond all books. It may be conditioning or programming that I have not over come yet, but I still feel determined to have a personal relationship with Christ. I just think that He Himself is forcing me to be honest about it and not relate to the false Biblical delusion.

There is no tried and true method that produces a tangible proof of God. People are comfortable with religion because it provides a material world activity. The problem is that the activities are not based on historically true evidence; but the private control agenda of a handful of men. The material world activities actually prevent me from seeking the truth of God or learning to love the ineffable intangible Presence and Power. My desire is for God alone. My urge is for the pristine pure Love, which I faithfully believe is there. I will never have proof of what I find because it is encountered silently in contemplation. My only hope is that this Love is efficacious in calling everyone to truth beyond this world.

Personal statistics: I ran a short 3.5 miles this morning. Trying to taper for this Saturday’s marathon, I didn’t work out twice. The 40 mph winds must have taken out a power line. I lost power for about an hour. It is back on now, but there is a new pole laying on a truck in front of my house. I have been raw vegan for 34 days. I intend not to splurge until after the marathon. On Saturday I ran 16 miles at a pace of 9 minutes per mile. That kind of speed was surprising to me. I credit the way I am eating, especially the green smoothies.

4th Sunday of Lent

Some thoughts from this week's journey in the Lenten desert, deeper into Christ:

- Digesting scripture takes energy. Drinking the pure water of silence promotes detox and rejuvenation.

- The thought battle is: it is ok this time (to food binge), tomorrow will be different.

- I must be a transcended consciousness (this doesn’t mean anything about you who read this). Open the door and accept this. No need to fight the untranscended world, just be at peace in it.

- Self discipline in mental control is necessary: choosing beneficial thoughts or consistently asking for help.

- Thinking of love and that I am being loved. I have to pause and feel this. The idea is tremendous. It fills every cell causing total harmonic vibrations, and redirects every synapse connecting only to peace.

- Where I work is my choice; it is my chosen storefront for spiritual exchange and trade. In accepting my choice, I realize that I also chose to be alive. If I quit resisting being-alive, I could find the gifts of God (joy, love, happiness and peace) everyday. Resisting is a choice that provides unhappiness. I could make a different decision. There is not necessarily any reason why I shouldn’t be happy every day. This new decision would require a new habitual mindset; and could only be produced by mental discipline and effort.

- Conflict: I desperately fear God doesn’t approve of me. But, then I think, “My value is inestimable simply because I am.”

- Conflict: Some much time spent wanting to be as good as others by getting what they have or wanting to be better by having something different. It is only my ego that competes. “Feeling less” is an ego feeling which is untrue.

- I am neither good or bad. I just am. I am joy and enjoyable. There is no such thing as enlightenment. Enlightenment cannot be real because it is not constant.

- I habitually see things from the battlefield. I can choose to see them differently. This is the miracle I ask for: Please help me to see things differently.

- Conflict: I am afraid I am “doing it” (seeking God) wrong and I won’t achieve it. But if I know peace, I know God. I just have to stop and experience it. Related conflicting beliefs: I don’t think I know God. This belief is an unconscious demon; but if you bring it to the light, is disappears. If you leave it in darkness, it darkens all moods and disconnects me from God. Another conflicting belief: I think I have to do something to know God; like fix me. No, really. Just stop. Knowing is automatic in a quiet mind. God is inherent in my being. All I have to do to connect is be quiet; accept peace and I am there. God is the truth of my being.

- There is something or some consciousness beyond myself to whom I can cry out for help; and I seem to make it through my crisis. I like to use the name Jesus, but this someone has never said what its name is.

- I have quiet confidence.

Lent - Experimental Results

The fourth Wednesday of Lent. 29 of 30 days on the raw food commitment are completed and I'm looking at continuing the commitment. I ran twice today for a total of 8 miles. The second run was in a new pair of shoes. The Olathe marathon is in 10 days. After that, I have a hotel reservation for the night of 4/17 in Willard Missouri. I'm planning on going in a 50K (31 mile) race on 4/18.

I started my intuitive spirituality experiment 8 days ago: letting go of A Course in Miracles (or anything else) and just listening to God directly. Today I reached one possible result and I will probably go back to using some daily input. I think I do not need input when I am alone in my hermitage. But, I think I do much better controlling thoughts and emotions at work if I have a pre-programmed structure to quickly grasp when interactions with others occur. I realize now that my daily lesson or line of input was giving me something to grasp without thinking in order to keep my equilibrium even under duress.

The work environment is not natural. I have to accept certain stresses until it is truly the right time for me to move out into something else. Because the environment is not natural, I find I need an artificial structure to maintain my balance. I never knew that until today! Having God in my mind all day at work is the result of planning, not accident. It is the result of discipline and effort. Discipline and effort are the result of a desire to have God above all else. If I want IT, I will figure out how to get IT, period.

Why don't I quit my job? I firmly believe that if I quit because of disatisfaction, that would be an ego decision and unsuccessful. At this point, if I am "let go" I would assume it was because I was ready and my Higher Power had helped me get moving. I don't have any indications I am ready to move on.

This realization of the unnaturalness of modern existence extends to many areas of life: like it is impossible to have optimal health in a work environment and in a civilized environment. My life is directed towards alternatives at the fringes of behavior to achieve the most healthy I can; but it won't be optimal. It is hard to be totally and authentically ALIVE in most modern situations. I am not out of the envelope of society, but stretching the envelope to encompass healthier living. I am an active promoter of human evolution and the creation of new paradigms.

Lent – Pure Being

Hi! It is Tuesday after the third Sunday of Lent.

I said I was going into the desert for Lent. If this is true, you should also know that a desert journey is a journey into unknown territory and you don’t know what will happen there.

Let’s face it. My spiritual journey has been focused for decades on the desire to know God. I have tried many ways and studied many things. But, finally, in my Lenten desert, I decided to drop the baggage. I’ve decided to know God directly. This decision flies in the face of all authorities. No authority thinks going it alone will work. They say I’ll just be an ego talking to itself, or a “sarabite” (ref Rule of Benedict) following my own rule, or a sinner, or I’ll just plain forget God and heaven all together.

Still, in the desert, you are forced to drop your support props. You can’t afford to carry them. I think that in my desert I encountered a cliff. In order to climb the cliff, I had to release all baggage. The biggest bag is the idea that finding God requires following someone else’s path. Now, I am walking on my own, no crutches. I am reduced to nothing; no theories, no scripture. At times I feel lost. I feel like collapsing into a little pile of crap and dying. Miraculously, it is the abject hopelessness, where I am on my knees, where I surrender. I just give up and say, “Ok God, I’m just going to sit here and wait for you to come or not. I don’t care.”

This morning, as I sat quietly, I remembered: I have the heart of an endurance athlete. It is this essence of heart to which I cling. The essence of heart is life. The essence of life is God. The endurance athlete doesn’t have to be a runner. Some paraplegics are endurance athletes. The essence of the endurance athlete is life.

I decided to go running in the early morning darkness. After about 15 minutes, being in a free form easy lope up a gradual incline along the bluffs, I realized that in losing everything except life alone, my desire for “God directly” is really a desire for pure being-ness. Running in the dark, easily striding, I remembered I am an enigma. Retuning to this state, I realize the state of pure being. I need nothing else.

Personal statistics: 28 days raw. 1 day of caffeine withdrawal. 12 days until the Olathe Marathon.

Lent - Visions

3rd Sunday - Everyone still off chocolate?

Today is day 26 of my 30 day raw food committment. I almost ate a bagel or something today. I went to the city, ran 10 miles and then sat in a 12 step meeting for an hour. I was famished. But I got in the car, drank water and high tailed it home. After I got here, I ate some honeyed almonds left over from making milk. And I quickly made flax crackers, and ate some of the batter.

I ran 58 miles this week. Now, I need to start to ease up in preparation for my marathon in 2 weeks. I did a chore today that involved a saw. Very unusual, but, no fingers lost.

Vision A-
How do I turn my thoughts to God right now? Just do it. I spend time with my mind looking at the light. Nothing apparently seems to happen. There is no proof of God or any benevolent Love streaming to embrace me. It is silent. But it is a place for me to go and it is a place of safety.

Vision B-
I ran in the city park this morning, before the fellowship meeting. For the first time, I SAW the telephone poles lining the path on a straight stretch. Seeing the poles like this reminded me of eternity. I could see for eons, the eons of the past and those to come. The poles were races, or events in my life, or perhaps events in many of my lives. But, I spend most of my time in between events: running! That is what running is: the time in between. In between is where I am mostly. Unless you look from the spiritual world, then my human lives seem like blips and my life in God is where I am mostly.

Lent - Intuitive Spirituality

Day 4 of Intuitive Spirituality Experiment

If you are using some sort of book, scripture or other input to guide your meditations and spiritual reflection, then realize that your spirituality is based in a second hand source, not a direct intuitive transmission. I myself spent many years using "lectio divina" but that meant that my reflection was always based in what ever text I was using. Many people have a practice of using a mantra or a scriptural phrase/prayer that they continually repeat to themselves (i.e. Jesus Prayer). Thus, it is hoped that the prayer/mantra will be the predominant thought and not what ever their brain comes up with. Yet understand, this means that what is in your head is the mantra, not intuition.

I began an experiment where I dropped all written input and just listened intuitively. Here is what I discovered today:

To practice Intuitive Spirituality, you must be able to:
a) be aware of where your mind is going and be capable of bringing it back to silence.
b) be able to maintain mental silence as the predominant mode of mentality, because intuition is silent.

In order to meet these conditions and have Intuitive Spirituality be at all productive, you need to start with the standard methods for:
a) meditation
b) practice of the presence (mantra)
c) reducing anger, rage, shame, fear to the point where they don’t rule as the predominant mode of thinking.

Love is the predominant mode of existence (I got that from a dream). To have love, love must be all you have. Love is silent.

Lent - Faith

Christianity is a matter of faith, not fact. The only way it is possible to be a Christian is to claim faith. Without a salvation experience (emotionally charged ah ha, or feeling of enlightenment), or deep childhood programming, or a cherished faith community, or fear of hell and damnation, it is not possible to be a Christian. To step off the bridge of reason, I either have to have faith or revelation or guilt.

Humans are programmable. My life experience, my thoughts, my feelings, my perception, all depend on my programming. So I’ve been involved with spiritual and emotional growth for a long time. Has my programming changed? If yes, who changed it? I am mainly an unhappy ego. Does my unhappy ego want to change or is there a non-ego component of my consciousness which wants to change?

I have sincerely offered my self for divine revelation. The results are profound, but gradual. My sense of revelation comes from a sense of presence; an indescribable and subtle impression that I am not alone and what I see is an illusion. My divine interventions, the result of prayer (asking), seem to be course shifts. Sometimes the course shift is small and seemingly a plan on my part, except for it started from a tiny intuitive thought. Sometimes the course shifts are dramatic and completely out of my control. If a course shift seems to be my choice, that is intuition sourced planning; the source of the intuition could be beyond my ego. If a course shift is not my choice, its source could be a higher consciousness or it could just be a fluke. To think that any of this is God is faith.

I spend my meditative time thinking about such things and then being quiet. My thinking could be just a useless internal discourse. My quiet time is probably more productive.

Personal Statistics: This morning I ran 21 miles. I ran on a road that went between two fields of corn stubble, which were covered with millions of starlings. If you drew a radius of about 70 feet around me, that circle would be the area the birds cleared out of as I ran up the road. It was weird to see. Was that circle the real size of my energy pattern?

I am registered for a marathon in 2 weeks. My condition is great. Today, the last two miles of my run today were on a marked road, so I ran the last 2 miles in 9:15 each. I want to go in the marathon and do my best. Success depends on not being stupid. But stupid is lurking very close to the surface of my consciousness. Stupid goes like this: The marathon is March 28; but I noticed yesterday that there is a 50K ultra-marathon (31 miles) on April 18. The ultra is on a cinder path, not a trail. So stupid says, “Hey, run the marathon as a training run and aim at the ultra as your real race.” Stupid would say, “Don’t taper for the marathon and don’t rest after.” Stupid is stupid because I would end up with some type of injury. I need to keep my eye on the ball. The marathon is the first race to aim at; then decide about any ultras.

Lenten Bliss

The third Friday of Lent. Lent was dreary in the monastery except for the noon meal on Wednesdays and Fridays. In our penance we had soup and warm homemade bread and real butter. We listened to music and didn't have to talk. Then, Friday nights were lectio nights. We didn't have a common meal. You could go to your room after Vespers and quietly read and pray.

Reflection:

We humans want out of here. We look around at this world, see what a problem it is and hope for salvation, transcendence, enlightenment or a quick death. Quite often, we hope a savior will come: a lucky break, a rich husband, a lucrative financial deal, a career as a doctor or lawyer. Many of us don’t get the lucrative deal and turn to religion for safety; Jesus or Buddha, it is after this life that paradise lies. Maybe we will find a guru who will impart bliss. I myself hoped my religious life would earn me three hots and a cot for life; thus releasing me from worldly worries and giving my life validation from a rock solid religious institution. Yes, nuns have respect!

All of these salvation theories are taught by society. They may vary in different cultures, but essentially, we hate it here and we want out. I was taught the savior approach to salvation and it included teaching me that I am a sinner. I was taught that salvation is given by the church or a guru, but apart from them I am hopeless and helpless. All theories I’ve studied include the proposition that this theory will work, all the others are wrong and you are bad if you don’t commit to this theory for life. I feel threatened. I feel guilty and weak if I move on to another theory.

Today I find myself in solitude. I find myself de-programming and undoing my human mythology. I believe it is possible for me to think along different lines than what are social norms for assessing this world. I have the opportunity to step into an entirely different mindset, belief system and reality.

I ran 7 miles this morning. In the morning darkness, without traffic, I run around a hilly eight block loop about a mile from my house. I ran around it 4 times this morning. Scenery matters little in the darkness. In the darkness I can assess myself as a being without definition. I can direct my thought. I can spend the time thinking about work, or the next race, or food, or what others think of me. Instead I choose to stop the words and explore my concept and essence.

I don’t have a savior. I don’t have a religion. I don’t know who God is. In the darkness, I am un-adulterated life. I am filled with life and that is all I am. I am detached from labels and roles and ideologies. It is a place and time where nothing matters. In the darkness of the early morning run, place and time dissolve into the nothingness. Life breathing. Life moving. Solely existence. Solely essence. Unadulterated bliss.

To be clear: however you detach is up to you. I'm just sharing my morning impressions on my own life.

Lenten Desert - 3rd Thursday

Personal Statistics: Day 23 of raw vegan commitment. Day 2 of intuitive spirituality experiment. I ran this morning under a beautiful moon. Sit-ups on an exercise ball are much harder than sit-ups on the floor; maybe because your shoulders come up from below the level of your hips.

Desert Thoughts:

My God is thoughts: the gentle rustle of a leaf, a trickle of spring water, a slight breeze, a mist, a hint of dawn, a star, a breath, a heartbeat. Going deeper, my God is this thought: a tiny thought, not necessarily of something, but bringing a feeling of stately life. This magnificently graceful stately life is the thing I am a part of in truth.

In solitude, silent, blind and deaf, I prostrate, wait and listen. I am not depressed, merely ready, attentive; and then it comes: a sit-up in total awareness of each sinew, cell and molecule of oxygen. Each one is the opening of the inner door.

We think it arrogant to ask God for knowledge. I am comfortable as nothing. I am safe without expectations, rights or position. I want to be simple; a glass of pure water.

Lent - Peace

How do I get from yesterday's doubts to today's peace?

From ACIM:

• ...turn in peace to the remembrance of God, still shining in your quiet mind.
• The stillness of your certainty of Him and of yourself is home to Both of you, Who dwell as one and not apart.
• Peace is the state where love abides...
• You dwell in peace as limitless as ite Creator, and everything is given those who would remember Him.
• ...far beyond this senseless war (of illusions, this world) it (peace) shines, ready to be remembered when you side with peace.

Peace is now. I just have to stop and experience it and I have it.

Benedict said, "Seek peace and pursue it."

Jesus said, "My peace I give to you."

The psalmist said, "Be still and know..."

I am at peace just because I went there.

Running causes cool clean air to flow through me bringing a fresh stream of love into my being.

Personal statistics: I bought an exercise ball this morning in order to make my situps and crunches more difficult. One of my favorite things is having the plummer come. Today is one of those days.

Lent - Desert Secrets

In the desert, you cannot lie to yourself, or God. You can’t lie because there is no one to please or show off for; and the Great Silence relentlessly absorbs everything. In front of the Great Silence, you shrivel in your falsehoods and dig deep for something worthy and authentic to share with God.

I actually believe we all have the secrets I am about to reveal, but many of us are unable to really bring them into conscious focus and discuss them with our Higher Power, our Christ Self. Maybe my sharing will help someone to go inside and see what their secrets are, share them with God and grow closer to heaven.

I am reading Jesus Interrupted again, I break open some of my secrets and realize what I believe:

The only way for me to be “safe” from God (saved) is to believe in Jesus’ atoning sacrifice for my sin. At a gut level, I feel guilty because “being saved” never entered my perception as a forceful emotional impact. It was more like “fake it ‘til you make it.” Some of the Gospel stories deeply caused fear and I tried really hard to make it. For instance, the story of the seeds strewn along the path. I was desperately afraid of being one of the seeds strewn in rocky ground, who sprang up quickly, but having no depth of soil, soon withered away in the hot sun. So I determined to be as dedicated as the people I observed around me because I wanted them to see I had deep roots in good soil. I wanted God to see this too. I felt like I was a seed in rocks, but by God, I would prove them wrong. I saw others salvation experiences and professed faith. I feared not being as good as them, so I tried really hard to be devoted.

Then, my denominational Christianity unraveled through logical thought and moral decisions (like, how can I support the church if it does this?). Other gospels stories made me feel guilty. For instance, “unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you do not have life within you.”

I grapple today with my feelings about leaving the church; but continuing to seek Christ and worry about what the Christians think of me. It seems like my denominational Christianity was a massive decades long people pleasing project. From there, I realize it was also a massive God pleasing project. I’m sure I want God to love me, so I tried to do what Jesus said. But I viewed the gospels as pointing out rules and requirements for God’s love; not simply God is love.

What about my Columbine experience? In Columbine High, Englewood Colorado, about 10 years ago, there was a girl Cassie who was shot. In her diary the night before, she had written that she so totally believed in Jesus she would die for him. I came out of the closet as a Christian when I heard that. Today, I say that I was totally impressed by Cassie’s faith and I wanted what she had. I wanted what many Christians say they have; that feeling of love and trust and safety in Jesus. But despite enormous effort on my part, I never had that belief. I was faking it.

Jesus, if you are listening, here is my secret. I’ve been faking my belief in you. I don’t believe. I admit it. I was trying to earn salvation by following the gospel; which to me had become a law.

Enter A Course in Miracles (ACIM). ACIM teaches that God is love and there is no sin. The Course gives a practice of overlooking (essentially loving your neighbor as yourself). That God is love and so I, created by God, must also be love and sin cannot exist is a big improvement in philosophy over my denominational Christianity. And it is impossible for me to pursue ACIM as a people pleasing tactic because no one I know would approve of it. It could be a God pleasing tactic though; for the same reason the gospel was a tool for earning salvation.

Now I can summarize my beliefs, my idols, my gods: I want what the other people seem to have (faith plus salvation experience) and I want to be approved of. I think approval is earned by finding out what the rules are and following them. Since I don’t have the salvation experience or the faith, I think there is something wrong with me, and God doesn’t love me.

I can stop there, or go back to ACIM, where it says I must be wrong. I’m willing to be wrong. Or else, there is no God. So, I choose: I must be wrong about God and myself. I’m willing to believe that there is something bigger than me that loves me and that I am love. Diverting into the Big Book of AA, I face the question: God either is or he isn’t. What is my choice to be? I do believe that somewhere I am connected to the fundamental idea of God, love. And that I do know its presence.

I am sure that this discussion will go further. Stay tuned.