And the chapel:
Showing posts with label Clyde. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clyde. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Ashes of Specialness
I've been contemplating this picture:
I got it off Face Book, so it is a public thing. I know the person. I know she is about to receive ashes. I see she now wears a veil. This seems like it should be an intimate moment, not a thing for FB or to be photographed at all. But since it is, I've been pondering it for several days.
I lived in various states of membership with this religious order for more than three and a half years. Because of FB, I can look in the window every day and see a new glimpse of people I am attached to.
So the picture is an intimate moment. I can't really figure the holiness of the Catholic practice of ashes. Actually, I think, "How dare the male priest hierarchy put ashes on anyone's forehead let alone the pure of heart as I know this sister to be."
Over the past 3 or so years, I've been watching veils appear in these photos. This sister was not one of the first. And she does have lovely hair. You can google the meaning of the veil. For me at this moment, I don't think it adds to anyone's holiness. But I know that young women who might want to be nuns are attracted to orders that wear habits. It is a false notion that a habit adds to spirituality. In fact, I think it detracts from the difficult job of renunciation. Renunciation not of the world but of ego things. The habit and veil are clearly of the ego because the show specialness.
The veils in this religious order show a growing conservatism and obedience to the male hierarchy. And the whole reason I'm no longer Catholic is because that hierarchy is criminal. Yes, even the new lovable saying all the right things pope is a criminal because he continues to harbor criminal priests.
I need to continue to find the holiness and love that this picture was meant to convey. I can easily find the holiness and love in my own quiet meditation, or fellowship meetings, or reading Q's Gospel. But my God is not punitive and I am not a sinner. Humility needed? Yes. But existentially or ontologically bad? No.
I got it off Face Book, so it is a public thing. I know the person. I know she is about to receive ashes. I see she now wears a veil. This seems like it should be an intimate moment, not a thing for FB or to be photographed at all. But since it is, I've been pondering it for several days.
I lived in various states of membership with this religious order for more than three and a half years. Because of FB, I can look in the window every day and see a new glimpse of people I am attached to.
So the picture is an intimate moment. I can't really figure the holiness of the Catholic practice of ashes. Actually, I think, "How dare the male priest hierarchy put ashes on anyone's forehead let alone the pure of heart as I know this sister to be."
Over the past 3 or so years, I've been watching veils appear in these photos. This sister was not one of the first. And she does have lovely hair. You can google the meaning of the veil. For me at this moment, I don't think it adds to anyone's holiness. But I know that young women who might want to be nuns are attracted to orders that wear habits. It is a false notion that a habit adds to spirituality. In fact, I think it detracts from the difficult job of renunciation. Renunciation not of the world but of ego things. The habit and veil are clearly of the ego because the show specialness.
The veils in this religious order show a growing conservatism and obedience to the male hierarchy. And the whole reason I'm no longer Catholic is because that hierarchy is criminal. Yes, even the new lovable saying all the right things pope is a criminal because he continues to harbor criminal priests.
I need to continue to find the holiness and love that this picture was meant to convey. I can easily find the holiness and love in my own quiet meditation, or fellowship meetings, or reading Q's Gospel. But my God is not punitive and I am not a sinner. Humility needed? Yes. But existentially or ontologically bad? No.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Out of Egypt
Anyone who knows me or reads this blog, knows I used to live in a Benedictine monastery. I was there for almost 4 years, then suddenly pushed out the day before I was supposed to make my vows. This part of my past is continually on my mind. Why did this happen? Why did I go there in the first place? What was I wanting at a deep level?
I wanted contemplation. Check. Mission accomplished. I learned alot about silence, solitude, spiritual reading, listening.
I wanted to validate my life with religious profession. Nope. Not accomplished. And my ego has been bitter about this ever since. Daily I compare myself to the nuns and try to make me look better.
Recently, I was reading my journal from 2003, the year I got kicked out. I got kicked out in August, so there is a good deal of before and after writing. Clearly I was hugely depressed before getting kicked out. Lets call this mental torment "Egypt." For the years since leaving the convent, my mental state has had periods of difficulty; but overall, my spiritual curve is trending positive. Furthermore, for you calculus fans, there is more and more area under the curve. That is, I am continually integrating and expanding.
This morning, reading Emmett Fox's "Sermon on the Mount" he said something about how regretting the past is to dis God's activity of salvation, and bringing Israel out of Egypt is just such an example of God's activity of salvation. Sudden bingo for me. If the convent was Egypt, then God, in a sudden turmoil of spiritual activity, brought me out of it. There was a few days of turmoil and then long years across a desert. This is a new thought for me. A new connection and a new synapse that signal a mental change.
I don't know if I am across a desert yet. It seems like it as I ponder my 2015 life story. This life I see is tremendously successful. At work, my Starship idea has been adopted for the plant and I am heavily involved with Creative Thinking teams. In my running life, I am first celebrating the end of my 55th year with a 55 hour run. Then in June, I am going on my first ever running expedition in the Utah desert. And in between January and June are several happy races on trails for which I intend to sign up.
But I wonder about my spiritual life; at least until today when I realize where I am at in graphical terms. I did leave the nuns in Egypt. Should I stop looking back? I need to stop looking back with an ego mindset. I could look back with a miracle mindset.
Reading Fox's book, I realize my ego measures itself against the explanations to determine if it is good. To know my thoughts are doing this is a great thing. It allows a bit of distancing from the activity. And in turn, an extreme gratitude for the presence of Spirit which taught me. From there, just keep walking, and be in awe of that power greater than myself.
God is in charge of the journey.
I wanted contemplation. Check. Mission accomplished. I learned alot about silence, solitude, spiritual reading, listening.
I wanted to validate my life with religious profession. Nope. Not accomplished. And my ego has been bitter about this ever since. Daily I compare myself to the nuns and try to make me look better.
Recently, I was reading my journal from 2003, the year I got kicked out. I got kicked out in August, so there is a good deal of before and after writing. Clearly I was hugely depressed before getting kicked out. Lets call this mental torment "Egypt." For the years since leaving the convent, my mental state has had periods of difficulty; but overall, my spiritual curve is trending positive. Furthermore, for you calculus fans, there is more and more area under the curve. That is, I am continually integrating and expanding.
This morning, reading Emmett Fox's "Sermon on the Mount" he said something about how regretting the past is to dis God's activity of salvation, and bringing Israel out of Egypt is just such an example of God's activity of salvation. Sudden bingo for me. If the convent was Egypt, then God, in a sudden turmoil of spiritual activity, brought me out of it. There was a few days of turmoil and then long years across a desert. This is a new thought for me. A new connection and a new synapse that signal a mental change.
I don't know if I am across a desert yet. It seems like it as I ponder my 2015 life story. This life I see is tremendously successful. At work, my Starship idea has been adopted for the plant and I am heavily involved with Creative Thinking teams. In my running life, I am first celebrating the end of my 55th year with a 55 hour run. Then in June, I am going on my first ever running expedition in the Utah desert. And in between January and June are several happy races on trails for which I intend to sign up.
But I wonder about my spiritual life; at least until today when I realize where I am at in graphical terms. I did leave the nuns in Egypt. Should I stop looking back? I need to stop looking back with an ego mindset. I could look back with a miracle mindset.
Reading Fox's book, I realize my ego measures itself against the explanations to determine if it is good. To know my thoughts are doing this is a great thing. It allows a bit of distancing from the activity. And in turn, an extreme gratitude for the presence of Spirit which taught me. From there, just keep walking, and be in awe of that power greater than myself.
God is in charge of the journey.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Lesson 254
"Lesson 254: Let every voice but God’s be still in me.
1 Father, today I would but hear Your Voice. In deepest silence I would come to You, to hear Your Voice and to receive Your Word. I have no prayer but this: I come to You to ask You for the truth. And truth is but Your Will, which I would share with You today.
2 Today we let no ego thoughts direct our words or actions. When such thoughts occur, we quietly step back and look at them, and then we let them go. We do not want what they would bring with them. And so we do not choose to keep them. They are silent now. And in the stillness, hallowed by His Love, God speaks to us and tells us of our will, as we have chosen to remember Him."
I have been reviewing my journal for the past year. And also thinking about some successes for the coming year. There are some obvious themes which characterize my thinking. The themes should be obvious but until I looked back and saw it written every day, I didn't exactly know how frequently I thought that. A Course in Miracles would just say "These thoughts do not mean anything."
My life doesn't have any big problems. So my spirituality is not about trauma. I'm discovering a spirituality of quiet all on my own. Of course, I've read books on silence etc. Now I've got quiet in all of my own life (not just when meditating) and my ego doesn't have any big deals to yell at me about. I realize that creating another project to occupy me is exactly what my ego would want. But to sit here quietly and not start anything; that is the challenge.
When you study scripture's origin and the community from which Jesus probably came and scrutinize Paul's Christianity, you are left with nothing true about today's Christianity. You stop trying to prove anything by quoting scripture because you know it is wrong. Eventually, you observe the void, feel the null. No emotion is left.
It is 2014 and the internet is everything. So the monastic order in which I was formed has a face book page and tweets and videos. I look at the pictures frequently and know the people in them. I may not be there physically but the sisters are in my mind everyday. What does this mean? Is it good or bad? They are doing something new. The Roman Church is have a "year of consecrated life." I have qualms about that. But because of it, the sisters started wearing traditional habits on Sundays. It is yet one more example of why I don't belong there. I go running on Sundays, not sit around in my habit.
1 Father, today I would but hear Your Voice. In deepest silence I would come to You, to hear Your Voice and to receive Your Word. I have no prayer but this: I come to You to ask You for the truth. And truth is but Your Will, which I would share with You today.
2 Today we let no ego thoughts direct our words or actions. When such thoughts occur, we quietly step back and look at them, and then we let them go. We do not want what they would bring with them. And so we do not choose to keep them. They are silent now. And in the stillness, hallowed by His Love, God speaks to us and tells us of our will, as we have chosen to remember Him."
It is Friday afternoon. I am drinking coffee. It is quiet here in my house. No "entertainment." My head is not raging at me. I don't think I want to go anywhere. And for some reason, I've not quite put the energy together to do any workout. Maybe after some more quiet time, I'll feel like walking.
I have been reviewing my journal for the past year. And also thinking about some successes for the coming year. There are some obvious themes which characterize my thinking. The themes should be obvious but until I looked back and saw it written every day, I didn't exactly know how frequently I thought that. A Course in Miracles would just say "These thoughts do not mean anything."
My life doesn't have any big problems. So my spirituality is not about trauma. I'm discovering a spirituality of quiet all on my own. Of course, I've read books on silence etc. Now I've got quiet in all of my own life (not just when meditating) and my ego doesn't have any big deals to yell at me about. I realize that creating another project to occupy me is exactly what my ego would want. But to sit here quietly and not start anything; that is the challenge.
When you study scripture's origin and the community from which Jesus probably came and scrutinize Paul's Christianity, you are left with nothing true about today's Christianity. You stop trying to prove anything by quoting scripture because you know it is wrong. Eventually, you observe the void, feel the null. No emotion is left.
It is 2014 and the internet is everything. So the monastic order in which I was formed has a face book page and tweets and videos. I look at the pictures frequently and know the people in them. I may not be there physically but the sisters are in my mind everyday. What does this mean? Is it good or bad? They are doing something new. The Roman Church is have a "year of consecrated life." I have qualms about that. But because of it, the sisters started wearing traditional habits on Sundays. It is yet one more example of why I don't belong there. I go running on Sundays, not sit around in my habit.
I can completely write volumes about my universal non-special concept of God. I've lost my vehemence to do so.
So back to silence. Listening to the quiet Voice for God and doing nothing.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Thanksgiving Day 9
So sad. Everything is ready for going back to work tomorrow. I finished off my vacation with a 16.6 mile jog on Seabrook trails. It was a warm Texas day. I enjoyed the heat.
For my vacation (9 days), I got 156.x miles and 42 total hours of workout (includes cross training).
I had a moment of healing today. Might be difficult to explain. Think about the Catholic Church as an institution which brain washes people to believe what the hierarchy says. Now think of a religious order as a super cult contained within this brainwashing organization. Think of the "formation" process used on aspirants as 24/7 brainwashing.
That is what I've been trying to heal from for the past 11 years. See, before the monastery, I got along well with other people around me. I had friends. I went to coffee with other ladies and enjoyed their company. Post monastery, I've felt that everything about other people is wrong.
Today, I went to a ladies AA meeting (I usually go to this meeting), and I listened to a lady celebrating 25 years talk from the podium. And then I listened to several others talk about themselves. Suddenly, looking at all the nice ladies in the room, for the first time since leaving the convent, I thought, "What if the nuns were wrong?" I thought, well maybe I can heal from monastic "formation."
Then, coming home, I looked on the sister's FB page and saw that they now have these traditional habits. They look horrible. People on the outside of a convent don't know what is going on inside. It is a mystery, but the mystique makes the holy appearance. Wearing a black habit or saying prayers all day doesn't make a person special to God.
Any AA can confirm that spiritual awakenings occur with regularity among AA members. We are so blessed to see spiritual awakenings happen and experience them our selves. Nothing is more holy.
I sure hope that I soon heal from my monastic brain washing and that I will be able to enjoy the company of the people around me without judging them.
For my vacation (9 days), I got 156.x miles and 42 total hours of workout (includes cross training).
I had a moment of healing today. Might be difficult to explain. Think about the Catholic Church as an institution which brain washes people to believe what the hierarchy says. Now think of a religious order as a super cult contained within this brainwashing organization. Think of the "formation" process used on aspirants as 24/7 brainwashing.
That is what I've been trying to heal from for the past 11 years. See, before the monastery, I got along well with other people around me. I had friends. I went to coffee with other ladies and enjoyed their company. Post monastery, I've felt that everything about other people is wrong.
Today, I went to a ladies AA meeting (I usually go to this meeting), and I listened to a lady celebrating 25 years talk from the podium. And then I listened to several others talk about themselves. Suddenly, looking at all the nice ladies in the room, for the first time since leaving the convent, I thought, "What if the nuns were wrong?" I thought, well maybe I can heal from monastic "formation."
Then, coming home, I looked on the sister's FB page and saw that they now have these traditional habits. They look horrible. People on the outside of a convent don't know what is going on inside. It is a mystery, but the mystique makes the holy appearance. Wearing a black habit or saying prayers all day doesn't make a person special to God.
Any AA can confirm that spiritual awakenings occur with regularity among AA members. We are so blessed to see spiritual awakenings happen and experience them our selves. Nothing is more holy.
I sure hope that I soon heal from my monastic brain washing and that I will be able to enjoy the company of the people around me without judging them.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Consciousness Itself
Most people think that running is about training for a race or a time goal in a particular race. They think of how dreadful all that running is. My adventure into ultra-running came about as an extension of meditation; a way to discover consciousness beyond daily striving.
A hot humid day in Houston, after about 3 hours of jog walk produces mindlessness.
I love A Course in Miracles because it is a text book. As I read it and practice it's lessons, a Teacher enters my consciousness. I don't need to travel to India or even around the United States. I receive inner peace right here. I "look beyond" right now.
My only mistake, seemingly, is not having the great emotional experience that others write about in their books. This experience distinguishes them from all others and seems to once again produce separation. It is my inner job to let this go.
I once was in a monastery and a Benedictine novice for 4 years. Within 3 days of my monastic profession, invitations printed and sent, altar flower arrangements in the cooler, I was suddenly kicked out. At the moment of being told to leave, I spontaneously (out of the blue) visualized a white bird suddenly having a golden ankle chain cut and it flew free into a blue sky.
When I want freedom at any time today, I think, "Eternal Silence lives It's life in me. Stately Quiet Love has set me free." I suppose I am able to fall down in adoration before Stately Quiet. It is here that I am free.
I had a dream during my final retreat in the monastery. I dreamed that I was dust mopping the long hallway near the Novitiate. I finished my cleaning work and then I was sitting outside on a rock, looking up at a starry sky, waiting. "Love is the predominant form of existence," is the word that I heard in this dream.
All this is important now since the same thing is happening. My universe is changing. The waves of emotion tied to thoughts about appearances and perceptions attempt to take me away. I must sit in quiet calm right now.
I can see how my life is merely a love affair of joy and Joy.
A hot humid day in Houston, after about 3 hours of jog walk produces mindlessness.
I love A Course in Miracles because it is a text book. As I read it and practice it's lessons, a Teacher enters my consciousness. I don't need to travel to India or even around the United States. I receive inner peace right here. I "look beyond" right now.
My only mistake, seemingly, is not having the great emotional experience that others write about in their books. This experience distinguishes them from all others and seems to once again produce separation. It is my inner job to let this go.
I once was in a monastery and a Benedictine novice for 4 years. Within 3 days of my monastic profession, invitations printed and sent, altar flower arrangements in the cooler, I was suddenly kicked out. At the moment of being told to leave, I spontaneously (out of the blue) visualized a white bird suddenly having a golden ankle chain cut and it flew free into a blue sky.
When I want freedom at any time today, I think, "Eternal Silence lives It's life in me. Stately Quiet Love has set me free." I suppose I am able to fall down in adoration before Stately Quiet. It is here that I am free.
I had a dream during my final retreat in the monastery. I dreamed that I was dust mopping the long hallway near the Novitiate. I finished my cleaning work and then I was sitting outside on a rock, looking up at a starry sky, waiting. "Love is the predominant form of existence," is the word that I heard in this dream.
All this is important now since the same thing is happening. My universe is changing. The waves of emotion tied to thoughts about appearances and perceptions attempt to take me away. I must sit in quiet calm right now.
I can see how my life is merely a love affair of joy and Joy.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Idea of the Monastery.....
....versus the monastery itself.
I want to know God. There was beautiful promises made about how the monastery was the place to carry out that quest. I've been out of the monastery and carrying on that quest for 10 years, using many spiritual opportunities. These opportunities are not Catholic so might not have been available to me had I stayed at the monastery. My body mind and spirit are free to accept all opportunities offered me by Spirit since I am not locked in a box.
What follows is a distinctly negative view of what I saw during my recent visit to the monastery where I was in formation: death and ghosts of people. Yes there are positives to convent life, but that is not my current focus. And my comments are somewhat framed by the final profession of one of the sisters which occurred this weekend.
I am on the last day of a 6 day vacation. I slept late, dreading facing the Texas heat. As usual, my mind had wandered into my monastic problem. That is, all the various questions regarding why I went there and why I didn't stay and the God quest now. I got up and went to turn off the fan by my bed. It suddenly struck me. I wanted the idea of the monastery, but I see now, not the monastery itself.
The idea of the monastery was "a school for the Lord's service;" a place away from the world where undistracted prayer could be carried out. For me, it was a place to practice contemplation with people who I thought were as intensely interested in God consciousness as myself. Perhaps they all go to the monastery with that quest. Formation, the process of training nuns, is exactly that: formation. Formation is a process of changing people from who they are to what the other nuns think is acceptable.
I say now that the monastery cripples people. What I saw was people crippled by their life in a insulated box. Obesity in a world where there really isn't that much food. White skin which never sees the sun. A sister with a bony disfigured upper body, yet she is my age. Dull colors and decorations from the last century. The most color was from a small pile of M&Ms a sister sitting at the reception desk had obtained from the stock kept for guests. Oh my God, how terrible that half a days work for two young sisters was to sit at a reception desk where hardly anyone ever comes! A sister telling me about her programming of automated machines, not even guessing the sophistication of the machines used in my chemical plant. In the monastery, few have to worry about the day to day survival issues of obtaining food, going to work, dealing with money, maintaining a house or car, health care, making life decisions.
While I was doing my spiritual study, the thought struck me that the monastery was a practice similar to Chinese foot binding of women long ago. That is, the monastery is a binding of religion and place which causes people to grow in strange unnatural ways.
Then I flashed on the picture of Abbot Gregory putting the nun's wedding ring (to Jesus) on the finger of the newly professed nun. I thought with horror how that is so symbolic of male power in the Church. I couldn't stand it.
So, my quest for God consciousness goes in in the world. My learning result from my visit is that I cherish the idea of the monastery, but continue to thank God that I didn't make a profession. Yes, my ego will still worry over the experience of being asked to leave and the dogma that vowed religious are somehow special to Jesus. These are synapses which will always be in my brain; but my mind knows more. Everyone is either equal before God, or our God is a terribly cruel God.
I am reading a scholarly tome about the Q source of the gospels. It will show a quit different picture of Jesus. I have the ability to carry out monastic practices: silence, solitude, prayer, simplicity, poverty (meaning poor-in-society not poor financially), chastity, Lent, spiritual reading, vows of obedience, stability and conversatio made to God.
And I am about to go outside and enjoy an hour or so of walking in the Texas heat. Tomorrow it is back to work.
I want to know God. There was beautiful promises made about how the monastery was the place to carry out that quest. I've been out of the monastery and carrying on that quest for 10 years, using many spiritual opportunities. These opportunities are not Catholic so might not have been available to me had I stayed at the monastery. My body mind and spirit are free to accept all opportunities offered me by Spirit since I am not locked in a box.
What follows is a distinctly negative view of what I saw during my recent visit to the monastery where I was in formation: death and ghosts of people. Yes there are positives to convent life, but that is not my current focus. And my comments are somewhat framed by the final profession of one of the sisters which occurred this weekend.
I am on the last day of a 6 day vacation. I slept late, dreading facing the Texas heat. As usual, my mind had wandered into my monastic problem. That is, all the various questions regarding why I went there and why I didn't stay and the God quest now. I got up and went to turn off the fan by my bed. It suddenly struck me. I wanted the idea of the monastery, but I see now, not the monastery itself.
The idea of the monastery was "a school for the Lord's service;" a place away from the world where undistracted prayer could be carried out. For me, it was a place to practice contemplation with people who I thought were as intensely interested in God consciousness as myself. Perhaps they all go to the monastery with that quest. Formation, the process of training nuns, is exactly that: formation. Formation is a process of changing people from who they are to what the other nuns think is acceptable.
I say now that the monastery cripples people. What I saw was people crippled by their life in a insulated box. Obesity in a world where there really isn't that much food. White skin which never sees the sun. A sister with a bony disfigured upper body, yet she is my age. Dull colors and decorations from the last century. The most color was from a small pile of M&Ms a sister sitting at the reception desk had obtained from the stock kept for guests. Oh my God, how terrible that half a days work for two young sisters was to sit at a reception desk where hardly anyone ever comes! A sister telling me about her programming of automated machines, not even guessing the sophistication of the machines used in my chemical plant. In the monastery, few have to worry about the day to day survival issues of obtaining food, going to work, dealing with money, maintaining a house or car, health care, making life decisions.
While I was doing my spiritual study, the thought struck me that the monastery was a practice similar to Chinese foot binding of women long ago. That is, the monastery is a binding of religion and place which causes people to grow in strange unnatural ways.
Then I flashed on the picture of Abbot Gregory putting the nun's wedding ring (to Jesus) on the finger of the newly professed nun. I thought with horror how that is so symbolic of male power in the Church. I couldn't stand it.
So, my quest for God consciousness goes in in the world. My learning result from my visit is that I cherish the idea of the monastery, but continue to thank God that I didn't make a profession. Yes, my ego will still worry over the experience of being asked to leave and the dogma that vowed religious are somehow special to Jesus. These are synapses which will always be in my brain; but my mind knows more. Everyone is either equal before God, or our God is a terribly cruel God.
I am reading a scholarly tome about the Q source of the gospels. It will show a quit different picture of Jesus. I have the ability to carry out monastic practices: silence, solitude, prayer, simplicity, poverty (meaning poor-in-society not poor financially), chastity, Lent, spiritual reading, vows of obedience, stability and conversatio made to God.
And I am about to go outside and enjoy an hour or so of walking in the Texas heat. Tomorrow it is back to work.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Trip Report - Flatlanders
On Friday morning, I started the trip and today I finished it. Now I have 2 more days to ponder its mystery. I visited the monastery I left 10 years ago. I went to an AA meeting in my old home group. I went in a running race. I read a book called "The Empire of Illusion."
United Airlines, TSA, National Car Rental, Parking Spot, Panera (St Louis Bread), Marriott (Fairfield and Springhill), Honda, WalMart, Quick Trip, Jason's Deli, Barnes & Nobel, Coke, Pepsi, Silk, Starbucks, Wrigley's, Asics, Succeed, RockTape, and others; gave me a fantastic good time without any hitch at all.
Its really about the people. Like this morning. I arrived at my gate very early, in fact, the earlier flight was still at the gate. I went up to the gate agent and said I had a very stupid question, could I get on the earlier flight? She laughed and said I'd have to work much harder than that to have a stupid question. She then went on for more than 5 minutes about stupid questions. This was a very friendly conversation. I was there for her.
The people at my old AA group mentioned several times about how I had affected them in the past and how they felt honored to be in my presence.
At the monastery, I got a tour of the new construction, visited the old sisters, ate in the refectory and talked a long time to the Prioress. I met the father of one of the sisters. He was a massively alive 80 something; eyes so bright so energetic. I cried a bit at the side of Sr Priscilla. I love her but she is 97 and barely moves. I held court with another group of elderly sisters. Some of the sisters I knew came over and hugged me; others ignored me. I noticed the silence. I know I have too much energy to stay at that place; and no desire to be so cloistered, bored, sedentary, Catholic.
Priscilla is in the middle.
My friend in Kansas City made me breakfast and we talked for 2 hours.
I then went to St Louis. I70 was construction free. I went in a timed race. The heat index was between 97 and 100F for 5 of the 6+ hours I was out there. I completed 26.6 miles before deciding my heel was in enough pain. I got to talk to several other runners.
Leaving the Parking Spot today, they only had one exit lane open, and none of the self check out lanes. So about 50 cars were lined up trying to get out. I was friendly to the cashier and she was able to tell my how hard it was.
I don't own any electronic products that begin with i. I plan to stay out of that community, just like Face Book and various other main stream activities.
I am satisfied with myself. I live in Texas. I am sober. I have the benefit of having gotten my world traveling out of the way when I lived with my parents. My only journey now is the one to God. Yes, I walk with Spirit.
United Airlines, TSA, National Car Rental, Parking Spot, Panera (St Louis Bread), Marriott (Fairfield and Springhill), Honda, WalMart, Quick Trip, Jason's Deli, Barnes & Nobel, Coke, Pepsi, Silk, Starbucks, Wrigley's, Asics, Succeed, RockTape, and others; gave me a fantastic good time without any hitch at all.
Its really about the people. Like this morning. I arrived at my gate very early, in fact, the earlier flight was still at the gate. I went up to the gate agent and said I had a very stupid question, could I get on the earlier flight? She laughed and said I'd have to work much harder than that to have a stupid question. She then went on for more than 5 minutes about stupid questions. This was a very friendly conversation. I was there for her.
The people at my old AA group mentioned several times about how I had affected them in the past and how they felt honored to be in my presence.
At the monastery, I got a tour of the new construction, visited the old sisters, ate in the refectory and talked a long time to the Prioress. I met the father of one of the sisters. He was a massively alive 80 something; eyes so bright so energetic. I cried a bit at the side of Sr Priscilla. I love her but she is 97 and barely moves. I held court with another group of elderly sisters. Some of the sisters I knew came over and hugged me; others ignored me. I noticed the silence. I know I have too much energy to stay at that place; and no desire to be so cloistered, bored, sedentary, Catholic.
My friend in Kansas City made me breakfast and we talked for 2 hours.
I then went to St Louis. I70 was construction free. I went in a timed race. The heat index was between 97 and 100F for 5 of the 6+ hours I was out there. I completed 26.6 miles before deciding my heel was in enough pain. I got to talk to several other runners.
Leaving the Parking Spot today, they only had one exit lane open, and none of the self check out lanes. So about 50 cars were lined up trying to get out. I was friendly to the cashier and she was able to tell my how hard it was.
I don't own any electronic products that begin with i. I plan to stay out of that community, just like Face Book and various other main stream activities.
I am satisfied with myself. I live in Texas. I am sober. I have the benefit of having gotten my world traveling out of the way when I lived with my parents. My only journey now is the one to God. Yes, I walk with Spirit.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Listening To The Call
Long ago, I went to university, a school of engineering, and I became and engineer. Then, years later, I desired to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer. I entered a Benedictine monastery, a school for the Lord's service. The monastery gave me tools of contemplation and prayer. These tools have stuck with me just as much as engineering. I didn't stay at the Benedictine school to teach. I finished my novitiate and moved on to be a journeyman of sorts.
After a strange and sudden ejection from the monastery, I re-entered secular life. I spent a couple of years as a Roman Catholic. During this time, I realized that the Church was not an institution I could support with my personal moral fibers. I also came to believe that denominational Christianity was doing very little in helping people realize their true Christ nature. No one was "doing the things he did."
I continued to investigate various ideas: meditation, raw foods, fasting, Essenes, hermits; and eventually A Course in Miracles. Somehow, this Course has became my area of spiritual specialization post graduating from the school for the Lord's service.
I have spent a great deal of time being upset that 4 years of monastic life divorced me from society. I simply can't join with the normal societal flow of eating and drinking and watching TV and gabbing away about nothing. But it is also true that I can only hear one voice at a time. If I want to hear The Voice for God, then I must stop listening to the voice of the world.
This does not at all mean I hate the other people. I just can't participate in their world. I can look with the Christ Vision given by the Voice for God; and accept its peace at any time. This practice is what I am doing out here. When I look with Christ vision, I am projecting peace; and this is all The Spirit asks of me.
Inspired by Chapter 31.I of the ACIM text:
Hear not the call for pain within yourself.
But listen rather to the deeper call
of love which asks in quiet for peace and love.
And all the world will give you peace and joy.
2012 has turned to 2013.
I am about to turn from 53 to 54.
I run another mile. I drive another mile.
I work another day. Another dollar is deposited into my account.
In spiritual dollars, I am rich. That is enough for me.
After a strange and sudden ejection from the monastery, I re-entered secular life. I spent a couple of years as a Roman Catholic. During this time, I realized that the Church was not an institution I could support with my personal moral fibers. I also came to believe that denominational Christianity was doing very little in helping people realize their true Christ nature. No one was "doing the things he did."
I continued to investigate various ideas: meditation, raw foods, fasting, Essenes, hermits; and eventually A Course in Miracles. Somehow, this Course has became my area of spiritual specialization post graduating from the school for the Lord's service.
I have spent a great deal of time being upset that 4 years of monastic life divorced me from society. I simply can't join with the normal societal flow of eating and drinking and watching TV and gabbing away about nothing. But it is also true that I can only hear one voice at a time. If I want to hear The Voice for God, then I must stop listening to the voice of the world.
This does not at all mean I hate the other people. I just can't participate in their world. I can look with the Christ Vision given by the Voice for God; and accept its peace at any time. This practice is what I am doing out here. When I look with Christ vision, I am projecting peace; and this is all The Spirit asks of me.
Inspired by Chapter 31.I of the ACIM text:
Hear not the call for pain within yourself.
But listen rather to the deeper call
of love which asks in quiet for peace and love.
And all the world will give you peace and joy.
2012 has turned to 2013.
I am about to turn from 53 to 54.
I run another mile. I drive another mile.
I work another day. Another dollar is deposited into my account.
In spiritual dollars, I am rich. That is enough for me.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Four Days of On Call - Monday
I'm thinking it is God calling; not work.
Yesterday was a massive breakthrough day. The break through was finally able to admit that my monastic teachings are a corruption in my brain and I must re-wire if I expect to live happily "out here." The main problem is form over content. The content of the lay people I meet is as vital as the vowed religious. The form of the vowed religious is equally decorative as the form of the lay people.
When I left the monastery, it was with a commission: be a monk in the world. And I spent a good 9 years developing that. But I now realize it is killing me. I got it wrong. But I have also found environments to change that. In going back to AA, I re-claimed a spirituality separate from form. In AA, you can clearly see principle of A Course in Miracles at work for healing and uniting. The little gap is cleaned and God builds the bridge (text 28.III.2):
"2 No mind is sick until another mind agrees that they are separate. And thus it is their joint decision to be sick. If you withhold agreement and accept the part you play in making sickness real, the other mind cannot project its guilt without your aid in letting it perceive itself as separate and apart from you. Thus is the body not perceived as sick by both your minds from separate points of view. Uniting with a brother’s mind prevents the cause of sickness and perceived effects. Healing is the effect of minds that join, as sickness comes from minds that separate.
3 The miracle does nothing just because the minds are joined, and cannot separate. Yet in the dreaming has this been reversed, and separate minds are seen as bodies, which are separated and which cannot join. Do not allow your brother to be sick, for if he is, have you abandoned him to his own dream by sharing it with him. He has not seen the cause of sickness where it is, and you have overlooked the gap between you, where the sickness has been bred. Thus are you joined in sickness, to preserve the little gap unhealed, where sickness is kept carefully protected, cherished, and upheld by firm belief, lest God should come to bridge the little gap that leads to Him. Fight not His coming with illusions, for it is His coming that you want above all things that seem to glisten in the dream."
You don't know how hard it is to do something simple, like go to dinner, when everything in your brain is screaming against it. After the AA meeting where I blurted out my revelation, I bought 2 pieces of carrot cake and ate them.
Of course, I didn't agree with some of the decadence of the religious order where I found myself. Of one thing I am glad to be free of: religious holidays in the convent. Oh Lord. Saturday would have been spent cleaning and decorating; while I wished for some free time to go running. Today would be spent cooking and secretly decorating the chapel for Midnight Mass; while I secretly wished for time to go running. We'd gather in the chapel for Christmas lessons; and living out the contention over who got to sing them. Then we would be up til the wee hours doing Christmas Vigils and Midnight Mass and serving cookies to guests and then cleaning everything up. Tomorrow would be more liturgy, table setting and then a feast. I hated the feasts. They took too long, seemed decadent, required a ton of dishes; and I wanted to go running.
Nothing like clean rural Missouri air and hilly dirt roads to clear a nun's mind.
I have also corrupted some of A Course in Miracles. I hope to continue to correct my thinking with His help.
Lesson 127/8:
The world I see holds nothing that I want.
Escape from every law in which you now believe.
Allow His Voice to teach love's meaning to my open mind.
Love's meaning is my own and shared by God Himself.
Last week, I covered 76 miles and did 23 hours of workout, plus 3 strength sessions. Yesterday, I walked 15 miles. This gave my Achilles a little break. I have a race next this Saturday.
I am one of the 5% of people who don't participate in Christmas. Send your insults and guilt trips; I'm still not going to do it.
Today I am going to the park for a few miles. I have experimented with taping my toes but not cutting holes in the shoes. I still need to solve the issue of tearing up my toes before I can do more than 50 miles. My previous tape jobs have been hit and miss. At Ultracentric, it was a massive miss. So, back to the drawing boards. It doesn't help that I have 2 pairs of new shoes, men's size 10, when I think 11s are going to be my future.
Yesterday was a massive breakthrough day. The break through was finally able to admit that my monastic teachings are a corruption in my brain and I must re-wire if I expect to live happily "out here." The main problem is form over content. The content of the lay people I meet is as vital as the vowed religious. The form of the vowed religious is equally decorative as the form of the lay people.
When I left the monastery, it was with a commission: be a monk in the world. And I spent a good 9 years developing that. But I now realize it is killing me. I got it wrong. But I have also found environments to change that. In going back to AA, I re-claimed a spirituality separate from form. In AA, you can clearly see principle of A Course in Miracles at work for healing and uniting. The little gap is cleaned and God builds the bridge (text 28.III.2):
"2 No mind is sick until another mind agrees that they are separate. And thus it is their joint decision to be sick. If you withhold agreement and accept the part you play in making sickness real, the other mind cannot project its guilt without your aid in letting it perceive itself as separate and apart from you. Thus is the body not perceived as sick by both your minds from separate points of view. Uniting with a brother’s mind prevents the cause of sickness and perceived effects. Healing is the effect of minds that join, as sickness comes from minds that separate.
3 The miracle does nothing just because the minds are joined, and cannot separate. Yet in the dreaming has this been reversed, and separate minds are seen as bodies, which are separated and which cannot join. Do not allow your brother to be sick, for if he is, have you abandoned him to his own dream by sharing it with him. He has not seen the cause of sickness where it is, and you have overlooked the gap between you, where the sickness has been bred. Thus are you joined in sickness, to preserve the little gap unhealed, where sickness is kept carefully protected, cherished, and upheld by firm belief, lest God should come to bridge the little gap that leads to Him. Fight not His coming with illusions, for it is His coming that you want above all things that seem to glisten in the dream."
You don't know how hard it is to do something simple, like go to dinner, when everything in your brain is screaming against it. After the AA meeting where I blurted out my revelation, I bought 2 pieces of carrot cake and ate them.
Of course, I didn't agree with some of the decadence of the religious order where I found myself. Of one thing I am glad to be free of: religious holidays in the convent. Oh Lord. Saturday would have been spent cleaning and decorating; while I wished for some free time to go running. Today would be spent cooking and secretly decorating the chapel for Midnight Mass; while I secretly wished for time to go running. We'd gather in the chapel for Christmas lessons; and living out the contention over who got to sing them. Then we would be up til the wee hours doing Christmas Vigils and Midnight Mass and serving cookies to guests and then cleaning everything up. Tomorrow would be more liturgy, table setting and then a feast. I hated the feasts. They took too long, seemed decadent, required a ton of dishes; and I wanted to go running.
Nothing like clean rural Missouri air and hilly dirt roads to clear a nun's mind.
I have also corrupted some of A Course in Miracles. I hope to continue to correct my thinking with His help.
Lesson 127/8:
The world I see holds nothing that I want.
Escape from every law in which you now believe.
Allow His Voice to teach love's meaning to my open mind.
Love's meaning is my own and shared by God Himself.
Last week, I covered 76 miles and did 23 hours of workout, plus 3 strength sessions. Yesterday, I walked 15 miles. This gave my Achilles a little break. I have a race next this Saturday.
I am one of the 5% of people who don't participate in Christmas. Send your insults and guilt trips; I'm still not going to do it.
Today I am going to the park for a few miles. I have experimented with taping my toes but not cutting holes in the shoes. I still need to solve the issue of tearing up my toes before I can do more than 50 miles. My previous tape jobs have been hit and miss. At Ultracentric, it was a massive miss. So, back to the drawing boards. It doesn't help that I have 2 pairs of new shoes, men's size 10, when I think 11s are going to be my future.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
4 day weekend
For most folks it is Thanksgiving. For me, it is a 4 day weekend. And, I thank God that I do not have to participate in Thanksgiving. I love being off the hook. I remember various times in the past, in particular when I was in the monastery. I used to feel so guilty if I went for a jog instead of either cooking or decorating the tables. And we sat there waaaay too long. And there was an amazing mountain of dishes to be done after.
Speaking of the monastery, I gave in to my inner angst for this 4 day weekend. I ordered several "nun" books from Amazon and am having a nun-book-read-in this weekend. See I understand my personal quest for God. I understand that religious orders promise fulfillment of that quest if you become one of them. But I am one of the most unlikely-est people I can think of to spend 4 years in a Roman Catholic Benedictine semi-cloistered monastery with 60 elderly women. I got kicked out of the monastery, and the "false" promise of spiritual fulfillment. The training in monastic practices did significantly alter my life; and I use this to continue my quest in a much more efficient manner. I went in to the cloister and came out different. I am still unwaveringly on the spiritual quest. I am not Roman Catholic, but firmly a student of A Course in Miracles.
I need to go deeper into what this experience could have meant. So reading books about others should give me a broader perspective and give me the freedom to think about my own experience.
Otherwise, a 4 day weekend is for training. This morning I did a 10 mile jog. It was wonderful to be in the warmth of the Texas coast; but also foggy so a blanket of quiet was laid down on everything. Others were out jogging too. It was so peaceful.
I'll do a cross training workout this evening. And repeat for the next 3 days.
Speaking of the monastery, I gave in to my inner angst for this 4 day weekend. I ordered several "nun" books from Amazon and am having a nun-book-read-in this weekend. See I understand my personal quest for God. I understand that religious orders promise fulfillment of that quest if you become one of them. But I am one of the most unlikely-est people I can think of to spend 4 years in a Roman Catholic Benedictine semi-cloistered monastery with 60 elderly women. I got kicked out of the monastery, and the "false" promise of spiritual fulfillment. The training in monastic practices did significantly alter my life; and I use this to continue my quest in a much more efficient manner. I went in to the cloister and came out different. I am still unwaveringly on the spiritual quest. I am not Roman Catholic, but firmly a student of A Course in Miracles.
I need to go deeper into what this experience could have meant. So reading books about others should give me a broader perspective and give me the freedom to think about my own experience.
Otherwise, a 4 day weekend is for training. This morning I did a 10 mile jog. It was wonderful to be in the warmth of the Texas coast; but also foggy so a blanket of quiet was laid down on everything. Others were out jogging too. It was so peaceful.
I'll do a cross training workout this evening. And repeat for the next 3 days.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Entitlement
I used to have a lot to say on this blog. But since moving to Texas, I have less to say. This seems to me because I don't need to promote anything about myself. That is, I seem to have gotten over my need for approval from any church or monastic order. I know my spiritual program works for me; but that most people wouldn't agree that it is a valid theology.
So, I seem to have forgotten my soap box about spirituality or contemplation. Doesn't mean that God is not constantly on my mind.
Why is Mitt Romney a candidate for president? Well, I saw a picture of him for the first time today (ummm....yeah I don't watch tv). IMO, he's just another pretty face. Bet Barak has a nicer ass. But, I'm not registered to vote and don't vote.
1% has the money and the tax loopholes. 47% are victims. I'm part of everyone else who actually pays the taxes. Anytime the government wants money, they come to us. Doesn't matter who exactly is elected.
I saw a picture of nuns from my former convent sitting around talking about the Church's "Year of the Spirit." Really? Someone needs to make such a proclamation? What about every year? But, mostly as I looked at the picture, I realized how much I don't belong locked in a monastic life. No I really don't want to ever be in another encounter group.
It has been several years since I had a deep meaningful conversation with anyone. If something comes up in my life, I just think about it and then decide. I don't ask advice or opinions. I discuss work issues with colleagues, but that is about it.
I have a sense of entitlement. I am entitled to at least 50 miles and 20 hours of exercise a week. I just had a 4 day weekend. My Seabrook training camp included 76 miles plus 3 hours of non-running cross training plus 100 sit-ups a day and 2 other strength sessions. Whew, I was tired.
But I still got up at 3:15 this morning, did my hour of spiritual work and the 75 minutes of cross training before getting to work at 6:30.
I really really liked the 50 mile race I did on September 1st. It caused me to consider that perhaps I am an ultra-sprinter since I really don't see the point of destroying my body as a 100 mile run does. That said, I am signed up for Ultracentric for 48 hours in the hopes of trying to get 100 miles.
I signed up for a 50 mile race next year (and bought the airplane tickets to get there):
This weekend, when I was working out, I kept meditating on this (from Chapter 21 of ACIM):
Happiness is constant, unshakeable.
If I want it because it is the thruth
that God constantly loves His Son.
As I meditated, I conceded that there'd have to be a God. Also, we are His Son and He loves us. Anything else is not real.
Why is Mitt Romney a candidate for president? Well, I saw a picture of him for the first time today (ummm....yeah I don't watch tv). IMO, he's just another pretty face. Bet Barak has a nicer ass. But, I'm not registered to vote and don't vote.
1% has the money and the tax loopholes. 47% are victims. I'm part of everyone else who actually pays the taxes. Anytime the government wants money, they come to us. Doesn't matter who exactly is elected.
I saw a picture of nuns from my former convent sitting around talking about the Church's "Year of the Spirit." Really? Someone needs to make such a proclamation? What about every year? But, mostly as I looked at the picture, I realized how much I don't belong locked in a monastic life. No I really don't want to ever be in another encounter group.
It has been several years since I had a deep meaningful conversation with anyone. If something comes up in my life, I just think about it and then decide. I don't ask advice or opinions. I discuss work issues with colleagues, but that is about it.
I have a sense of entitlement. I am entitled to at least 50 miles and 20 hours of exercise a week. I just had a 4 day weekend. My Seabrook training camp included 76 miles plus 3 hours of non-running cross training plus 100 sit-ups a day and 2 other strength sessions. Whew, I was tired.
But I still got up at 3:15 this morning, did my hour of spiritual work and the 75 minutes of cross training before getting to work at 6:30.
I really really liked the 50 mile race I did on September 1st. It caused me to consider that perhaps I am an ultra-sprinter since I really don't see the point of destroying my body as a 100 mile run does. That said, I am signed up for Ultracentric for 48 hours in the hopes of trying to get 100 miles.
I signed up for a 50 mile race next year (and bought the airplane tickets to get there):
This weekend, when I was working out, I kept meditating on this (from Chapter 21 of ACIM):
Happiness is constant, unshakeable.
If I want it because it is the thruth
that God constantly loves His Son.
As I meditated, I conceded that there'd have to be a God. Also, we are His Son and He loves us. Anything else is not real.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Samskara
This is a new word I learned a few days ago: an unfinished energy pattern that ends up running your life.
I don't know that I have one energy pattern running my life, but there is one past situation to which my brain returns over and over: my monastic experience. I can't seem to forget this. It doesn't help that I look at their web pages and read their news stories. Ultimately, I know that being a nun cooped up on a religious order is not right for me. But the metaphysics of why I went there and who I am outside here continue to bug me.
For instance. On Sunday, I ran 50 miles. It was an incredible experience and went beyond what I thought I was capable of. My ability to run in the late stages of the race was a miracle and far different than any 50 miles race I've run before. At the monastery last Sunday, the sisters were having an open house to show off their remodeling. So they had the Abbot from the nearby men's monastery come over and bless the place. They gave tours. They had food.
When I lived at the monastery, I always hated the sedate lifestyle. And I never was in agreement with the all male Church hierarchy. On the other hand, I loved my 50 mile run.
Now it is Wednesday. I walked 6 miles yesterday, lifted free weights and did another hour of ex-machines. This morning I got up at 5:30 and hit the park in Seabrook at 6:45 for another 9 miles. Now I am taking my car for service and I will work out again this evening. And, I'll repeat the exercise routine for the rest of my vacation. You understand what this means: I was not injured by my 50 mile effort. Being injury free is also a miracle.
I am living my life. It is a real life. But no one bows before me as they do Sister OSB. My ego hates this. I think my ego is the only reason I am still holding up this energy. I picture my ego as a mad dog that attacks a stuffed toy over and over, violently shaking it around; and repeating the performance again tomorrow. If I had achieved enlightenment, perhaps I'd just laugh at the dog. And truly, as soon as I remember to laugh, I am detached and free.
My latest spiritual studies remind me that I will have to practice "conscious awareness" or I'll go back to unconscious ego domination. One of the differences between A Course in Miracles and stuff like Zen is that I am not alone. I have help and I don't have to do anything but step back and be quiet. Whatever/ Whoever the help is, it does work for me.
This morning in Meador park, the huge fat man on the lawnmower stopped his machine and smiled at me as I walked along the path: such a sweet smile!
I don't know that I have one energy pattern running my life, but there is one past situation to which my brain returns over and over: my monastic experience. I can't seem to forget this. It doesn't help that I look at their web pages and read their news stories. Ultimately, I know that being a nun cooped up on a religious order is not right for me. But the metaphysics of why I went there and who I am outside here continue to bug me.
For instance. On Sunday, I ran 50 miles. It was an incredible experience and went beyond what I thought I was capable of. My ability to run in the late stages of the race was a miracle and far different than any 50 miles race I've run before. At the monastery last Sunday, the sisters were having an open house to show off their remodeling. So they had the Abbot from the nearby men's monastery come over and bless the place. They gave tours. They had food.
When I lived at the monastery, I always hated the sedate lifestyle. And I never was in agreement with the all male Church hierarchy. On the other hand, I loved my 50 mile run.
Now it is Wednesday. I walked 6 miles yesterday, lifted free weights and did another hour of ex-machines. This morning I got up at 5:30 and hit the park in Seabrook at 6:45 for another 9 miles. Now I am taking my car for service and I will work out again this evening. And, I'll repeat the exercise routine for the rest of my vacation. You understand what this means: I was not injured by my 50 mile effort. Being injury free is also a miracle.
I am living my life. It is a real life. But no one bows before me as they do Sister OSB. My ego hates this. I think my ego is the only reason I am still holding up this energy. I picture my ego as a mad dog that attacks a stuffed toy over and over, violently shaking it around; and repeating the performance again tomorrow. If I had achieved enlightenment, perhaps I'd just laugh at the dog. And truly, as soon as I remember to laugh, I am detached and free.
My latest spiritual studies remind me that I will have to practice "conscious awareness" or I'll go back to unconscious ego domination. One of the differences between A Course in Miracles and stuff like Zen is that I am not alone. I have help and I don't have to do anything but step back and be quiet. Whatever/ Whoever the help is, it does work for me.
This morning in Meador park, the huge fat man on the lawnmower stopped his machine and smiled at me as I walked along the path: such a sweet smile!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Happy ACIM Anniversary
Today, 7/29, is my Course in Miracles anniversary. When I started 5 years ago, I thought it might take 5 years just to get a grasp on it. I think I do have a grasp. I study the text everyday, practicing "lectio divina" which is one of my monastic practices. I've read the Text 8 times. I'm currently on chapter 13 and I made my prayer out of 13.III today.
Dear Holy Spirit,
I bring my thoughts to You.
I seek the reference point.
I am a loving mind.
Grandeur is the right of God's Son.
Chapter 13.III
"For His answer is the reference point beyond illusions, from which you can look back on them and see them as insane. But seek this place and you will find it, for Love is in you and will lead you there."
Love, peace.
This time of year is very reflective for me. August 8 is the anniversary of my sobriety in 1985 and getting kicked out of the monastery in 2003.
Despite getting up at 8 am, and starting my walk at 9:45, a cloud cover came at 10:45 so I could continue walking for another 4 hours. I suppose that walking 5h19 minutes or 18.5 miles is pointless. I find I am proud to have a life where I have nothing better to do than walk for 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't really plan on walking that long. I just loaded up my hydro-pak and said I'd walk for a short while.
I spent the time repeating my prayer (above). I realized just before I started that today was the beginning of my last 8 day retreat before being abruptly kicked out of the monastery (9 years ago). I briefly looked at my journal for this day. Oh my, I was a tortured soul.
Upon leaving the monastery, Sister Mary Margaret Funk advised me to just be a monk in the world. I've continued my monastic practices to live up to the monk part. And at work, I am part of at least 3 projects which span the globe and bring me into contact with people all over the world.
Now I am a Course in Miracles student. My mind is far more peaceful that it was when I started 5 years ago.
When I first started walking today, I had the park to myself. I could imagine not knowing what my body meant; just imagined myself as a primordial consciousness in a primordial forest. Then, as various families showed up for their kids to play on the slides, I practiced "Grandeur is the right of God's Son."
While walking, I thought of the 3,100 Mile Race and how a couple of the guys will finish tomorrow and Tuesday.
I thought about my own plans to walk a 12 hour race in September. I realized that in that race, after 5 hours, my feet and mind will feel about the same as today, only I'll be trying to walk another 7 hours. No doubt, St Louis will be hot and humid too. I wonder if my mind will give up at 26.2 miles; or if my heel will just feel horrid and I'll stop.
Dear Holy Spirit,
I bring my thoughts to You.
I seek the reference point.
I am a loving mind.
Grandeur is the right of God's Son.
Chapter 13.III
"For His answer is the reference point beyond illusions, from which you can look back on them and see them as insane. But seek this place and you will find it, for Love is in you and will lead you there."
Love, peace.
This time of year is very reflective for me. August 8 is the anniversary of my sobriety in 1985 and getting kicked out of the monastery in 2003.
Despite getting up at 8 am, and starting my walk at 9:45, a cloud cover came at 10:45 so I could continue walking for another 4 hours. I suppose that walking 5h19 minutes or 18.5 miles is pointless. I find I am proud to have a life where I have nothing better to do than walk for 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't really plan on walking that long. I just loaded up my hydro-pak and said I'd walk for a short while.
I spent the time repeating my prayer (above). I realized just before I started that today was the beginning of my last 8 day retreat before being abruptly kicked out of the monastery (9 years ago). I briefly looked at my journal for this day. Oh my, I was a tortured soul.
Upon leaving the monastery, Sister Mary Margaret Funk advised me to just be a monk in the world. I've continued my monastic practices to live up to the monk part. And at work, I am part of at least 3 projects which span the globe and bring me into contact with people all over the world.
Now I am a Course in Miracles student. My mind is far more peaceful that it was when I started 5 years ago.
When I first started walking today, I had the park to myself. I could imagine not knowing what my body meant; just imagined myself as a primordial consciousness in a primordial forest. Then, as various families showed up for their kids to play on the slides, I practiced "Grandeur is the right of God's Son."
While walking, I thought of the 3,100 Mile Race and how a couple of the guys will finish tomorrow and Tuesday.
I thought about my own plans to walk a 12 hour race in September. I realized that in that race, after 5 hours, my feet and mind will feel about the same as today, only I'll be trying to walk another 7 hours. No doubt, St Louis will be hot and humid too. I wonder if my mind will give up at 26.2 miles; or if my heel will just feel horrid and I'll stop.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Endless Path
If I had stayed in the convent, I'd be spending the weekend sitting in this room with these elderly nuns:
I pretty much hate sitting around rooms going through namby pamby discernment exercises. It is not like manufacturing groups don't also have meetings and set goals. Its just that things move along quicker. We don't have to ask who we are.
I am gathering my things and packing my bags. I have an ultra-marathon on tap this weekend. I'll be here, doing this and looking pretty much like this:
This is a picture from 3 years ago; the last time I was in this race.
Instead of being a nun with no possessions. I am an engineer with a six figure salary, a car, a home and everything else. My own treadmill, elliptical, nordic track, ex-bike and weight set. I have a stock of 4 new pairs of running shoes in the closet.
Instead of practicing Roman Catholicism and sitting in Adoration before the holy eucharist, I practice A Course in Miracles and sit before the inner altar where Christ is. And long distance running is my prayer. Endurance is my meditation. The endless trail is my contemplation.
How long can I go? What will it feel like?
When I left the convent, I didn't give up Christ, or silence or contemplation. But a part of me can't forget them. If you asked me if I am better off where I am now, I'd answer yes. But I still look back. I still look back.
And then I look forward. I look forward. The path is long. The path is my conversation with God. I am spirit, talking through Spirit in communication with Source.
I pretty much hate sitting around rooms going through namby pamby discernment exercises. It is not like manufacturing groups don't also have meetings and set goals. Its just that things move along quicker. We don't have to ask who we are.
I am gathering my things and packing my bags. I have an ultra-marathon on tap this weekend. I'll be here, doing this and looking pretty much like this:
This is a picture from 3 years ago; the last time I was in this race.
Instead of being a nun with no possessions. I am an engineer with a six figure salary, a car, a home and everything else. My own treadmill, elliptical, nordic track, ex-bike and weight set. I have a stock of 4 new pairs of running shoes in the closet.
Instead of practicing Roman Catholicism and sitting in Adoration before the holy eucharist, I practice A Course in Miracles and sit before the inner altar where Christ is. And long distance running is my prayer. Endurance is my meditation. The endless trail is my contemplation.
How long can I go? What will it feel like?
When I left the convent, I didn't give up Christ, or silence or contemplation. But a part of me can't forget them. If you asked me if I am better off where I am now, I'd answer yes. But I still look back. I still look back.
And then I look forward. I look forward. The path is long. The path is my conversation with God. I am spirit, talking through Spirit in communication with Source.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Who am I?
And what am I doing here?
I am the woman I always wanted to be.
But the meaning of my life doesn't seem to be known to me.
I thought going to a monastery would be meaningful. Last night, I had a dream about it. I was in the monastery and was to be professed that evening. I had been asked to come back, pre-approved for profession. So I went because I wanted to be joined. But, I also wondered, "Why do you want to join this place when you have looked at their blog for the past 2 years and thought it was stupid? Why do you want to spend every day on Catholicism? You don't believe in it."
As I sit here and type, I think, "Whats wrong with running?" Look at the girl in the picture who is running a decent but not fast half marathon. She is happy. Several e-friends have said they are jealous of the muscle cut arms. In the original picture I have here at home, I look even better.
My quest of transcendence might be a quest to merely be human.
Americans are taught to keep trying to be more. This teaching produces agitation and dis-satisfaction with ordinary loving situations.
I'd love to go back to the Silverton 1000 and run for six days. But I'm pretty sure that the current condition of my knee would bump me off the steep hills on the first day. Whats wrong with totally pleasant half marathons interspersed with 20 hours of training a week?
At work, several great things happened. On Thursday, after a long day of goal setting with the Basic Chemicals team, I was apologizing to the leader for not staying for happy hour; because such things are usually semi-mandatory team building. He said that it was totally optional and no one should ever apologize for not staying or feel bad for not staying. That is the first time that the guilt has been totally removed. He was a messenger of love.
Yesterday, the Environmental Control manager drove me all around the site and pointed out all the water, utilities and infrastructure items he is responsible for. Really, the Chem-park where I work is huge. Nearly a city with 3,000 people and the massive usage of materials as well as disposal needs. I felt very good about riding around and seeing all the sites. He was a messenger of love.
Then, after a very long meeting, I got a golf cart ride from a guy named Mohammed who is very strictly practicing Halal. He is my co-worker and about 20 years younger and really cute. He was asking me how I liked Houston and talking about how he missed the Philadelphia ghetto. It came down to a friendship discussion and how few real friends (maybe only one) we had. He understood when I said that with most people I carry on superficial relationships, not saying anything important but getting along fine. See, he may be on the opposite end of a religious continuum than me, but we feel the same. I left him feeling like he was a real friend simply because we could discuss the subject of friendship. He was a messenger of love.
Whats wrong with being satisfied with a friend in a chemical plant above monastic profession or ultra-marathoning?
Is this love?
Or this?
We should accept all love as equal, no matter where it is found. Nobody is more holy than anyone else.
I am the woman I always wanted to be.
But the meaning of my life doesn't seem to be known to me.
I thought going to a monastery would be meaningful. Last night, I had a dream about it. I was in the monastery and was to be professed that evening. I had been asked to come back, pre-approved for profession. So I went because I wanted to be joined. But, I also wondered, "Why do you want to join this place when you have looked at their blog for the past 2 years and thought it was stupid? Why do you want to spend every day on Catholicism? You don't believe in it."
As I sit here and type, I think, "Whats wrong with running?" Look at the girl in the picture who is running a decent but not fast half marathon. She is happy. Several e-friends have said they are jealous of the muscle cut arms. In the original picture I have here at home, I look even better.
My quest of transcendence might be a quest to merely be human.
Americans are taught to keep trying to be more. This teaching produces agitation and dis-satisfaction with ordinary loving situations.
I'd love to go back to the Silverton 1000 and run for six days. But I'm pretty sure that the current condition of my knee would bump me off the steep hills on the first day. Whats wrong with totally pleasant half marathons interspersed with 20 hours of training a week?
At work, several great things happened. On Thursday, after a long day of goal setting with the Basic Chemicals team, I was apologizing to the leader for not staying for happy hour; because such things are usually semi-mandatory team building. He said that it was totally optional and no one should ever apologize for not staying or feel bad for not staying. That is the first time that the guilt has been totally removed. He was a messenger of love.
Yesterday, the Environmental Control manager drove me all around the site and pointed out all the water, utilities and infrastructure items he is responsible for. Really, the Chem-park where I work is huge. Nearly a city with 3,000 people and the massive usage of materials as well as disposal needs. I felt very good about riding around and seeing all the sites. He was a messenger of love.
Then, after a very long meeting, I got a golf cart ride from a guy named Mohammed who is very strictly practicing Halal. He is my co-worker and about 20 years younger and really cute. He was asking me how I liked Houston and talking about how he missed the Philadelphia ghetto. It came down to a friendship discussion and how few real friends (maybe only one) we had. He understood when I said that with most people I carry on superficial relationships, not saying anything important but getting along fine. See, he may be on the opposite end of a religious continuum than me, but we feel the same. I left him feeling like he was a real friend simply because we could discuss the subject of friendship. He was a messenger of love.
Whats wrong with being satisfied with a friend in a chemical plant above monastic profession or ultra-marathoning?
Is this love?
Or this?
We should accept all love as equal, no matter where it is found. Nobody is more holy than anyone else.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Crucifixion Mosaic - Clyde Chapel
When I was a nun, I spent many hours pondering this scene; a picture of inner relationships. Today it is still a picture of the various parts of my psyche.The Laws of Healing
I got this picture out of "Spirit and Life" yesterday; the magazine published by the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration where I lived for 4 years. The picture is a mosaic from their chapel. It surprised me today. I can see in it a need for me to have re-birth, a new life; and all the powers of heaven rejoicing in my willingness to accept God’s gift. I am astounded at this idea because it is the first good one I've had about Christmas so far this year.
This idea is a light in my darkness as I looked at my negative thinking this morning.
This idea is a light in my darkness as I looked at my negative thinking this morning.
I can't believe I was a nun for 4 years. I cannot really believe I am Roman Catholic and attend Mass frequently. Before I went to the convent, I spent decades trying to find a husband but never connected. It still amazes me because the lack of a husband has in so many ways changed my life's course, freeing me from the misery I would have been as a drunken wife, following in the miserable footsteps of my drunken mother. I can't believe I was an alcoholic 24 years ago. It amazes me I am still a long distance runner and engineer.
My life has been all over the map. The outward images seem disconnected. Running and engineering and my search for God are the common threads. Spirituality is an exercise in ego transcendence. Whatever happens in my life seems tied to ego deflation and the emergence of my spiritual self.
I am attempting to make heads or tails of the “Laws of Healing” (below). I struggle with solitude vs my place in the 12 Step Fellowship and the Church. I think I should go to meetings; yet despite my spiritual work, the meetings upset me and I leave with my ego hysterically hammering me. So I quit going to meetings and I feel much better; but I now feel like I’ve failed ACIM forgiveness. 12 Step meetings for me have taken a place as a spiritual exercise of ACIM forgiveness; they are not for the purpose of recovery or helping others. No wonder they are such a disaster for my ego. I am using them as a mirror and what I see is my own projected hate. I approach them as I would any difficult undertaking: with trepidation and the knowledge that I’m about to have a painful lesson. On the side of Church attendance, I quit going to the big Sunday Masses and attend the quiet weekday Masses because I leave without the ego hammering.
My prayer this morning is for further guidance from my COMPANION. God cannot fail in His purpose so I am assured of healing. I must accept the healing found in the practice of forgiveness. I know my ego is obstinate about this whole issue; but surprisingly, I am getting better. I am far less hateful, fearful and angry than I used to be. I have more inner peace despite the periodic encounters with ego hammering.
The Laws of Healing, excerpted (ACIM text chapter 26.VII):
Forgiveness is the only function here, and serves to bring the joy this world denies to every aspect of God’s Son where sin was thought to rule… Forgiveness takes away what stands between your brother and yourself. It is the wish that you be joined with him, and not apart… What is forgiveness but a willingness that truth be true?... Forgiveness is the answer to attack of any kind. So is attack deprived of its effects, and hate is answered in the name of love.
Salvation, perfect and complete, asks but a little wish that what is true be true; a little willingness to overlook what is not there; a little sigh that speaks for Heaven as a preference to this world that death and desolation seem to rule.
All sickness comes from separation. When the separation is denied, it goes…
Guilt asks for punishment, and its request is granted.
Perception’s laws are opposite to truth, and what is true of knowledge is not true of anything that is apart from it…. What is projected out, and seems to be external to the mind, is not outside at all, but an effect of what is in, and has not left its source…Perception’s laws must be reversed, because they are reversals of the laws of truth.
Cause and effect are one, not separate. God wills you learn what always has been true: That He created you as part of Him, and this must still be true because ideas leave not their source.
The miracle is possible when cause and consequence are brought together, not kept separate…God gave to all illusions that were made another purpose that would justify a miracle whatever form they took. In every miracle all healing lies, for God gave answer to them all as one… The miracle but calls your ancient name, which you will recognize because the truth is in your memory. And to this name your brother calls for his release and yours… Your ancient name belongs to everyone, as theirs to you. Call on your brother’s name and God will answer, for on Him you call.
To use the power God has given you as He would have it used is natural… The gift of God to you is limitless. There is no circumstance it cannot answer, and no problem which is not resolved within its gracious light.
Abide in peace, where God would have you be. And be the means whereby your brother finds the peace in which your wishes are fulfilled…. to bless but one gives blessing to them all as one.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Multi-day 4 - Intermission
I felt it a good idea to keep from pushing myself too far, beyond prudence, with the running. My mind was filled with what if injury scenarios and that any one of them could sideline me for the Maryville Marathon. I had already pushed the envelope by going about 83 miles in 3 1/2 days. So I decided to walk today. I walked 210 minutes and lifted weights.
This afternoon found me once again asking myself Why?
1. Why run a multi-day?
2. Why run at all?
3. Why be alive?
Question 3 is my ancient question and it echoes Heidegger’s metaphysical question: Why is there anything at all instead of nothing?
If today is an intermission, is my multi-day a symphony with several movements? If today is a Selah, is my multi-day a psalm, a song or a love poem?
Let me review:
Wednesday afternoon I had written a prelude with these main points: the multi-day is about prayer, not training; about contemplation, a place to merely be. It turns out, merely being is a hard mentality for an ego to tolerate. Wednesday evening I walked 2 hours.
Thursday, I went 28 miles and I said: running a multi-day is done for its own sake, to be only spirit.
Friday, I went 22 miles and visited my old monastery. That day, I practiced the Name of God as I ran. I said the multi-day should be allowed to be meaningless. A multi-day is an optional thing, and so is my life. The monastery trip was difficult. I saw things I didn’t want to see. I realized that as much as I want to be a monk, I am totally grateful God saw fit to ensure I didn’t stay there. It seems a place of stagnation and death.
Saturday, I went 26 miles. Mulling over my convent visit and working on that day’s ACIM lesson, the realization “God is my inheritance” solidified and became a reliable belief for me. I was moved by the messengers from nature: the frog (transformation, the path of change, natural healing), the deer (their heart rhythms pulse in soft waves of kindness) and the frustration of the deer thwarted by the government fence; and the snake (throwing off the past and continuing to live). I thought about ultra-sobriety as continuous conscious contact. I reached that sweaty place of stillness and silence in the hot sun where wordless “knowing” was my reality.
Now Sunday, my intermission from running, I walked 210 minutes. I do everything for spirituality. In the multi-day I seek contemplation, silence and prayer. Hidden is the desire for God to yield “something” which an ego could grasp. But in contemplation, I realize that God yields peace. I contemplate peace. Peace is not just lack of war, it truly is nothing. Real peace, total nothingness, is appalling to an ego. The truth of nothingness is why I keep questioning the running activity. The avoidance of nothingness is the reason why people “train” for races instead of just run (including me). The ego cannot accept that it is nothing. I look inside and see nothing. My multi-day, being not-racing, is nothing.
And then, the big one finally clicks: the way to find joy in nothing is to realize you are free. My multi-day is done in complete freedom. I run free for days. Think about freedom, not just the silly American type of freedom where we go around doing what we want; but freedom of the spirit escaped from the ego’s limitations and rules and silly worries. The free spirit is nothing of this world, and it soars beyond ego. This freedom is what endless running brings me, because the running means nothing.
Now I am happy, joyous and free.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Vacation Tuesday
Yesterday, I went to visit the monastery I used to live at. It is a beautiful ornate brick design that appears every bit as stately and solumn as you might imagine. In the fall, it is surrounded by outrageous fall colors. The chapel is of "high church" design, filled with statues of Benedictine women and its walls are covered with Gospel mosaics.
The joy of my visit was my time with 92 year old Sister Priscilla. When I first lived with the sisters, I lived in a forest in Oklahoma. They had a Catholic Ashram. Sister Priscilla was there with four other sisters. Together we practiced contemplative sitting for 2 1/2 hours a day, prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, gathered for communion; and cooked and cleaned cabins for a few guests.
I loved Sr Priscilla. She is tiny, not much above my waist. She is a fire ball. A year ago, she left the forest and went to live in the sister's house for assisted living. Priscilla has her own room and sneaks around doing things against the rules. I love this about her. Anyway, I visited in her room for an hour and she walked me all around the large house, then we went outside to the Altar Bread Department. I felt so incredibly special to be in her presence for a couple of hours.
One time, about two weeks after I got kicked out of the order, I went down to Oklahoma to Sr Priscilla's 65th anniversary of monastic life. I was secretly invited. I went walking into the kitchen where she was standing and totally surprised her. Yesterday, I walked down to the door into the assisted living house, and I could see her through the window, standing in the dining room. She looked up totally surprised. She said she thought she was seeing a vision.
Sr Priscilla said she thought about me alot, but after yesterday, I am not just a memory, I am an actual person who could show up any day. I am a haunting ghost unless I follow through on the friendship. Gulp! I'll need to visit the monastery more often.
The joy of my visit was my time with 92 year old Sister Priscilla. When I first lived with the sisters, I lived in a forest in Oklahoma. They had a Catholic Ashram. Sister Priscilla was there with four other sisters. Together we practiced contemplative sitting for 2 1/2 hours a day, prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, gathered for communion; and cooked and cleaned cabins for a few guests.
I loved Sr Priscilla. She is tiny, not much above my waist. She is a fire ball. A year ago, she left the forest and went to live in the sister's house for assisted living. Priscilla has her own room and sneaks around doing things against the rules. I love this about her. Anyway, I visited in her room for an hour and she walked me all around the large house, then we went outside to the Altar Bread Department. I felt so incredibly special to be in her presence for a couple of hours.
One time, about two weeks after I got kicked out of the order, I went down to Oklahoma to Sr Priscilla's 65th anniversary of monastic life. I was secretly invited. I went walking into the kitchen where she was standing and totally surprised her. Yesterday, I walked down to the door into the assisted living house, and I could see her through the window, standing in the dining room. She looked up totally surprised. She said she thought she was seeing a vision.
Sr Priscilla said she thought about me alot, but after yesterday, I am not just a memory, I am an actual person who could show up any day. I am a haunting ghost unless I follow through on the friendship. Gulp! I'll need to visit the monastery more often.
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