My Bread is Buttered on the Texas Side

Gah! I've lived in Texas 3 years. I think you can get in to Texas but you can't get out. And I suppose there is nothing wrong with that.

Today I ran 21 miles in Seabrook averaging 13.4 min/mile despite doing 4x1s. That is 4.5 miles per hour since I know a stop to talk was included in that time. Now all summer in Houston, in ungodly heat and humidity, I was barely able to crack 4 miles per hour, and couldn't really stay out 5 hours. Now, the first somewhat cool day with a stiff breeze, I'm so much better. Heat training is worth it.

Yesterday, a pack of bicycles went down a road just as I was coming to the crossing. Someone said "there's Laura." Another one said, "Hi Laura!" Who were these mystery people? Today, I saw my neighbors walking in the park. Another couple I see running in the park every week told me how much they admired me. Another guy asked me if I was an ultra runner. Apparently I look like the real thing.

On Friday, I had a chat with N. He wants me to come back to work for him. I probably will. See, my company is selling the part of the business in Texas. The exact group I currently work for is disappearing. So, I would move across the fence and go to work in the group I was in last year. And, forget moving back to Kansas with some other part of the company. N. is the side of my bread with butter on it.

Another thing. I had a creative moment which yielded a innovative idea. I sent the idea to the plant manager. I didn't hear anything from him. Then I saw him last week and asked him about it. He hadn't seen it in his in-box. 2 more days and I get an e-mail saying he loves it; and lets do some more brain storming. This plant manager is in the "for sale" part of the company.

I have done well with all of my work for the "for sale" part of the plant. My skills are valued. Not so much with the other part of the company.

All these bits of anecdotal evidence add up to: Texas has been good to me. It is the side of the bread where my butter is.

In the spiritual part of my life, the butter is on the Course in Miracles side. What I am saying is that there are spiritual truths which are found in many spiritual traditions; but the way they are explained and taught in the Text and Workbook for A Course in Miracles is the way I've found success. Anyone who has had a massive revelatory, emotionally invasive spiritual experience still has to work on making meaning out of it for the rest of their life. Their big moment disappears into the daily distracted life. They still put their pants on one leg at a time. They pick up their bag of racks and continue down the road.

My revelatory experiences have not been massive as far as I can discern when I read someone else's story. But mine are in fact daily. Everyday, especially during my morning study of the ACIM text, I completely understand Oneness. And I can find Oneness during the day too. Like out running today, I was able to grant Inner Joyful Eternity to any person I thought of. I knew that Reality is Joy. No doubt or argument was present. That is truly a spiritual experience.

I hate shopping. If I could get everything from Amazon.com and never go in a store, I would. Well, I am giving a talk at a symposium next week. I need a suit. A suit can't be bought on-line. I've been procrastinating because I hate shopping and I hate all the traffic near the mall. Yesterday, I finally bit the bullet and did the chore. I finished my run early, showered, drove to Dillard's, asked directions to the lady's suit department, stopped the first associate I could and explained what I wanted. In particular, I hate women's pants that are low cut. The damn things always feel like they are falling off and a shirt won't stay tucked in. I don't actually know how women are supposed to dress anyway.

Actually, when I finally decide to go an buy something, I also plan to accomplish the mission in one trip without any fooling around. I buy cars that way too.

Well, very quickly, the lady found a pair of pants that fit perfectly. I got the whole suit and 2 shirts for $700. I didn't care how much, only that it fit and I looked ok. I made sure the lady thought the shirt was ok. It helps alot that if you go in a store around here and say you are an engineer, they ask if you are an astronaut; so the clothes they show you are not a bunch of girly nonsense. Well, they asked me if I was an astronaut anyway; and I didn't say no.

I'm a fake astronaut but a real engineer and ultra runner. Texas immigrant.Embodied Inner Joyful Eternity.

Consciousness Itself

Most people think that running is about training for a race or a time goal in a particular race. They think of how dreadful all that running is. My adventure into ultra-running came about as an extension of meditation; a way to discover consciousness beyond daily striving.

A hot humid day in Houston, after about 3 hours of jog walk produces mindlessness.

I love A Course in Miracles because it is a text book. As I read it and practice it's lessons, a Teacher enters my consciousness. I don't need to travel to India or even around the United States. I receive inner peace right here. I "look beyond" right now.

My only mistake, seemingly, is not having the great emotional experience that others write about in their books. This experience distinguishes them from all others and seems to once again produce separation. It is my inner job to let this go.

I once was in a monastery and a Benedictine novice for 4 years. Within 3 days of my monastic profession, invitations printed and sent, altar flower arrangements in the cooler, I was suddenly kicked out. At the moment of being told to leave, I spontaneously (out of the blue) visualized a white bird suddenly having a golden ankle chain cut and it flew free into a blue sky.

When I want freedom at any time today, I think, "Eternal Silence lives It's life in me. Stately Quiet Love has set me free." I suppose I am able to fall down in adoration before Stately Quiet. It is here that I am free.

I had a dream during my final retreat in the monastery. I dreamed that I was dust mopping the long hallway near the Novitiate. I finished my cleaning work and then I was sitting outside on a rock, looking up at a starry sky, waiting. "Love is the predominant form of existence," is the word that I heard in this dream.

All this is important now since the same thing is happening. My universe is changing. The waves of emotion tied to thoughts about appearances and perceptions attempt to take me away. I must sit in quiet calm right now.

I can see how my life is merely a love affair of joy and Joy.

Joy No Matter What

See this guy?

That's Anton Krupika, elite ultra runner. He lives in Colorado and runs everyday in the mountains. And he gets to hang out with Scott Jurek, another ultra runner.

I used to be jealous of the sense of life and beauty that people like him got to experience every day because they lived in the mountains. I live in ugly Houston where the main feature of the landscape is distillation columns, a huge forest of them.

Today, I was sitting in my office at the chemical plant and looking out the window at some equipment and I thought, "You could feel that aliveness right now. Just feel it."

Wow, you mean the sense of joy/happiness/aliveness has nothing to do with the world? Yup. Just feel it now.

I have on a new pair of shoes and my feet don't hurt. After a nap, it is time for miles.

The Answer

Last night as I lay in bed, my ego mind was attacking me. It was going on and on and on in complaint about some situation. I could feel myself projecting anger and mistrust. At one point, I felt and realized how the thoughts making up my physical body are anger.

I asked the Holy Spirit for help. A minute later, the harangue begins again. At one point, I realized that the harangue had switched topics; just like that. I kept working on other thoughts.

When I woke up this morning, I felt at peace with going to do a task today (a visit to a new sports clinic). But as I did my morning spiritual study, I first remembered that somewhere in a Course in Miracles, we are advised that when a brother asks an unreasonable thing, we should do it (what was unreasonable is no young whipper snapper chiro is going to be able to help me by counciling me about chi running or how I am unbalanced). I remembered to laugh at my ego thoughts. I remembered to bow down before my brother and say, "Give me your blessing holy son of God."

But most of all, I realized that the answer to my question was a metaphysical answer. This reality is an illusion and I'm responsible for my projections. So I did the opposite of my ego's council and went through with the task. Trusting the Holy Spirit was part of my ascendance to the metaphysical reasoning.

The task turned out to be pure joy. I'm happy about it (Dr Bloom was a bent up old man who has been working with athlete for 60 years, and should have been wearing a grey sweatshirt). After I was done, I went running in the Houston heat and humidity. I think I am growing to like the swelter. Anyway, as I was running, I realized that the answer is always the same answer: let go. Stop trying to control the illusion. Let the Holy Spirit have the illusion.

And so I had a spiritual experience of joy instead of a pissed-off-ed-ness with lifelong resentment.

Which now teaches me: every experience I have as joy gives me joy in my memory instead of hate. Think about it. How many past memories pop into your mind on a daily basis? How many are of joy? Usually they are of fear. But imagine a life where the pop up memories are joyful and that is how you spend each day: in joy.

It is the Spirit that does all this. By myself, I'd be stuck with the anger.

I'm committed to God. No.matter.what.you.think.

Next stop on my 2012 race calender is this place: 

After today's experience, I'm sure I'll be there is good health. I'm about to visit Southwest Airlines and click buy....bye bye Luv Voucher!

A Crack in the Universe

No, it wasn't bright lights or euphoria. But a moment of extreme clarity and complete understanding. Of what? For a moment, I had a complete understanding of how I am joy and if I live consciously from that truth, the illusion changes to total happiness and joy.

I'm not sure I still have a grasp on that knowing which was so clear a couple hours ago when I was exercising.

It came to me in terms of picking races. What if.....personal bests and Boston Qualifications are created way before the day of the race and everything that happens is created metaphysically of thoughts?

 So, let me start with the idea I want to have a happy race. I give this idea to Spirit and let Him plan. I just go along. Then, I go to the race calendar and see whats on there. Lets say that some race leaps out at me as one I really want to do. Coupled with the idea the Spirit is in charge, I enter that race because I know thats the one selected for me by Spirit.

So, now, I just go about my training, picking my race day outfit, planning travel, etc, secure in the knowledge I will have a happy day. I know the "moons will line up" (or that I'll be lucky) because Spirit is in charge of giving me a happy day.

But what if I don't trust Spirit? What if I am afraid I won't get what I want? What if I think God answers prayers by sending difficulties? Then, I didn't really want a happy day. I really want fear and pain. If thats what I want, then that is what I get because I wanted it.

So, I just bring these openly to Spirit and they go away.

As I pondered the idea that my best races were actually planned for me by Spirit and that I just trusted and went along, giving all credit to Spirit, suddenly the universe disappears. Truly it is an illusion. I did nothing. All was Spirit. I am spirit.

It is a metaphysical truth: the universe does not exist, so I can change it.

The Frisco 50, next Saturday, seems to be such a race. On the day I thought of it, I had clicked submit and purchase airplane tickets without qualms of any sort. Same with the Copper Mountain Half on June 30. But no matter how much I pondered a race in Tulsa, I just didn't feel comfortable with entering. At work, there was an assignment I delayed on because I couldn't decide what to do with it. Then, I got some additional information and suddenly, I knew what had to be done. What if I was waiting for a spiritual moment to move easily forward instead of forcing this myself? Things go badly when I force them myself.

I can't explan how clear this was during a moment of clarity. I totally knew the truth. Now, hours later, I can't explain it but I still know it. I also know that another glimmer will arrive and that one will stay longer and be clearer.

My psalm for today, devised last night is:
Today I wake to joy expecting but
the happy things of God to come to me.

I awaken every moment.

Chapter 21.II

What a difference. Then (1/8/2011):

And now (1/8/2012):

I felt totally alive this morning. I know this because of the sensitivity; the feeling of one drop of sweat run down the side of your face or down your chest under your bra and around the side of your breast.

When I moved to Texas, I knew I would increase my cross training; so cross training is success, not failure to run. I had a wonderful hard weekend of running. Not surprising that cross training was the better choice for today. I had a 2 hour fast run yesterday afternoon.

See, that first picture is from 1/8/2011. I had spent 7+ hours on a frigid January night (until 2 am) running around a 5k loop until I completed a 50k. The second picture is from 1/8/2012, where I ran a half marathon in Texas and got 2nd place in my age group.

The difference is that the first picture was suffering and the second was joy. But I didn't know I was suffering and being hard on myself. I thought I was being amazingly tough and admirable. Really? For what? Well, I didn't know what joy is. It really wasn't all that fun to spend all night in frozen darkness. But, I spun the story so it sounded heroic.

I have faith in ACIM. ACIM is a different teaching than anything in the denominational realm of religion. So, learning new concepts seems to take time. And I often wonder if I really have accepted Christ vision or decided for God. But I must have made the decision and have faith in the decision, or I wouldn't persist in studying something on my own for so many years.

The faith must be fed by a real presence of The Voice for God and Self; or it wouldn't be sustainable. An ego would never sustain the study by itself.

The following is quoted from A Course in Miracles Text 21.II, with bold added by me.

2 This is the only thing that you need do for vision, happiness, release from pain and the complete escape from sin, all to be given you. Say only this, but mean it with no reservations, for here the power of salvation lies:

I am responsible for what I see.
I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve.
And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked.

Deceive yourself no longer that you are helpless in the face of what is done to you. Acknowledge but that you have been mistaken, and all effects of your mistakes will disappear.

3 It is impossible the Son of God be merely driven by events outside of him. It is impossible that happenings that come to him were not his choice. His power of decision is the determiner of every situation in which he seems to find himself by chance or accident. No accident nor chance is possible within the universe as God created it, outside of which is nothing. Suffer, and you decided sin was your goal. Be happy, and you gave the power of decision to Him Who must decide for God for you. This is the little gift you offer to the Holy Spirit, and even this He gives to you to give yourself. For by this gift is given you the power to release your saviour, that he may give salvation unto you.

4 Begrudge not then this little offering. Withhold it, and you keep the world as now you see it. Give it away, and everything you see goes with it. Never was so much given for so little. In the holy instant is this exchange effected and maintained. Here is the world you do not want brought to the one you do. And here the one you do is given you because you want it. Yet for this, the power of your wanting must first be recognized. You must accept its strength, and not its weakness. You must perceive that what is strong enough to make a world can let it go, and can accept correction if it is willing to see that it was wrong.

5 The world you see is but the idle witness that you were right. This witness is insane. You trained it in its testimony, and as it gave it back to you, you listened and convinced yourself that what it saw was true. You did this to yourself. See only this, and you will also see how circular the reasoning on which your “seeing” rests. This was not given you. This was your gift to you and to your brother. Be willing, then, to have it taken from him and be replaced with truth. And as you look upon the change in him, it will be given you to see it in yourself.

6 Perhaps you do not see the need for you to give this little offering. Look closer, then, at what it is. And, very simply, see in it the whole exchange of separation for salvation. All that the ego is, is an idea that it is possible that things could happen to the Son of God without his will; and thus without the Will of his Creator, Whose Will cannot be separate from his own. This is the Son of God’s replacement for his will, a mad revolt against what must forever be. This is the statement that he has the power to make God powerless and so to take it for himself, and leave himself without what God has willed for him. This is the mad idea you have enshrined upon your altars, and which you worship. And anything that threatens this seems to attack your faith, for here is it invested. Think not that you are faithless, for your belief and trust in this is strong indeed.

7 The Holy Spirit can give you faith in holiness and vision to see it easily enough. But you have not left open and unoccupied the altar where the gifts belong. Where they should be, you have set up your idols to something else. This other “will,” which seems to tell you what must happen, you give reality. And what would show you otherwise, must therefore seem unreal. All that is asked of you is to make room for truth. You are not asked to make or do what lies beyond your understanding. All you are asked to do is let it in; only to stop your interference with what will happen of itself; simply to recognize again the presence of what you thought you gave away.

8 Be willing, for an instant, to leave your altars free of what you placed upon them, and what is really there you cannot fail to see. The holy instant is not an instant of creation, but of recognition. For recognition comes of vision and suspended judgement. Then only it is possible to look within and see what must be there, plainly in sight, and wholly independent of inference and judgement. Undoing is not your task, but it is up to you to welcome it or not. Faith and desire go hand in hand, for everyone believes in what he wants.

9 We have already said that wishful thinking is how the ego deals with what it wants, to make it so. There is no better demonstration of the power of wanting, and therefore of faith, to make its goals seem real and possible. Faith in the unreal leads to adjustments of reality to make it fit the goal of madness. The goal of sin induces the perception of a fearful world to justify its purpose. What you desire, you will see. And if its reality is false, you will uphold it by not realizing all the adjustments you have introduced to make it so.

10 When vision is denied, confusion of cause and effect becomes inevitable. The purpose now becomes to keep obscure the cause of the effect, and make effect appear to be a cause. This seeming independence of effect enables it to be regarded as standing by itself, and capable of serving as a cause of the events and feelings its maker thinks it causes. Earlier, we spoke of your desire to create your own Creator, and be father and not son to Him. This is the same desire. The Son is the effect, whose Cause he would deny. And so he seems to be the cause, producing real effects. Nothing can have effects without a cause, and to confuse the two is merely to fail to understand them both.

11 It is as needful that you recognize you made the world you see, as that you recognize that you did not create yourself. They are the same mistake. Nothing created not by your Creator has any influence over you. And if you think what you have made can tell you what you see and feel, and place your faith in its ability to do so, you are denying your Creator and believing that you made yourself. For if you think the world you made has power to make you what it wills, you are confusing Son and Father; effect and Source.

12 The Son’s creations are like his Father’s. Yet in creating them the Son does not delude himself that he is independent of his Source. His union with It is the Source of his creating. Apart from this he has no power to create, and what he makes is meaningless. It changes nothing in creation, depends entirely upon the madness of its maker, and cannot serve to justify the madness. Your brother thinks he made the world with you. Thus he denies creation. With you, he thinks the world he made, made him. Thus he denies he made it.

13 Yet the truth is you and your brother were both created by a loving Father, Who created you together and as one. See what “proves” otherwise, and you deny your whole reality. But grant that everything that seems to stand between you and your brother, keeping you from each other and separate from your Father, you made in secret, and the instant of release has come to you. All its effects are gone, because its source has been uncovered. It is its seeming independence of its source that keeps you prisoner. This is the same mistake as thinking you are independent of the Source by Which you were created, and have never left.

Ordinary Everyday - Athlete and Spirit

I am not incredibly talented in any area of life; although some might say above average. I have taken what was above average and worked daily on it. I have achieved a marvelous freedom at this point in life. This blog is not the inspiring words of a wise sage, guru or enlightened person; or even a great writer. It is the musings of someone who shows up everyday and loves progress. I have let myself off the hook of a defined goal, like "enlightenment."

I did not get a promotion at work. But it occurred to me that I did receive a spiritual promotion. It seemed as if I have a greater joy in the process and study of spirituality than ever. I was meditating on some shapes while I was exercising. And I thought, "I would not trade these shapes and the mental peace that goes with them for more money." It was at this point that I realized a spiritual promotion, or leap into new potentialities has occurred.

On Saturday I ran a trail marathon. It really was a day spent running in a forest. You don't get to spend the day running in a forest without a significant investment in preparation; as well as the sacrifice of the prevailing American propensity for the sedentary lifestyle. Same is true for spiritual progress. It requires investment.

I am rich in spiritual and physical investment. I am reaping so much joy at the present time. It is because I am free of ego measurement. I haven't defined my spiritual progress or my athletic performance by other people's definition of good or not. So I have the time. I use it for this. I am happy.

Stand Your Ground...

....on silence and on joy.

Miracle principal 4: "All miracles mean life, and God is the Giver of life. His Voice will direct you very specifically. You will be told all you need to know."

ACIM text 7.IX.1: "The Holy Spirit will always guide you truly, because your joy is His. This is His Will for everyone because He speaks for the Kingdom of God, which is joy."

Have the courage of your convictions.

I believe in silence because that is where I hear the Holy Spirit best. Above all else I want my primary life relationship to be with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is where my guidance and comfort comes from. The Holy Spirit is my connection to God. Above all else, I can't go through life without my connection to God.

If you feel joyful, know that you are living the Kingdom, that Heaven has manifested in your heart. Stand by the joy. Don't let your ego or anyone else's trounce on joy. Gandhi said, "Be the change...." Ultra Monk says, "be the joy..." The change we need is joy. The world needs people who choose joy.

If I don't seem to have joy, know that my ego has trounced on it. But I use spiritual means to return to joy. Joy is my natural state. Joy is my God given life. Joy is what I am in the real world; beyond the dream, beyond the ego illusion we call this world. If I am the joy, I have left the world; but yet I am still available to my brothers in this world to join with me in Heaven.

I have spent most of my life in the doldrums. But now that I have felt joy, I intend to stand my ground there.

Joy is a choice followed up with spiritual action. It doesn't matter which spiritual action as long as it is the one given you by the Holy Spirit. Hence, silence. Go to silence and wait there. Listen to the silence for the answers. Stand on silence. Silence gives you the Voice for God, the Holy Spirit. The Voice for God gives you the path to joy. Insist on joy. Follow the path.

I lifted weights this morning; left me quivering. I went early to work. Walking through the parking lot, I felt gratitude. I said thank you. Walking up the stairs, I felt the presence of the Son of God. I said thank you.

Joy is a thing more awesome than words. I am a 50 something mature woman athlete. I firmly state: I get to be a successful athlete because of my spiritual workouts. Yes, I also do worldly workouts; but it starts with spirit. Without strengthening the presence of spirit, I have no mojo for athletics. Mojo is merely a reflection of spiritual joy; which is a far greater commodity. Spiritual joy means everything. Experiencing spiritual joy in this world is the only thing that matters.

If I feel joy, then feel gratitude to the Son of God, then I am sharing my joy and gratitude with everyone. Shared joy and gratitude is Heaven.

This evening I hope to try something new. My new set of micro-spikes should be delivered today (FedEx indicates they are in KC). I will have them after work. I will then go to an easy trail and do a snow run for an hour or two, return home and finish off the workout until I get to 3 hours. Then tomorrow, I need mental fortitude to do another 5 hours of workout. The purpose of this is to reel in that 50 miles of health and happiness, not destruction.

Joy is Not Happiness....

...or any other sort of new age namby pamby.

It is the essential life force which I feel within, which gets me out of bed and which fuels all my actions, if I let it. It is incomparably more powerful than the desire for worldly gifts which the ego consciousness wants.

Joy is not a feeling of happiness or bliss. Joy is a state of mind or being which is not ego. Joy is an alliance of consciousness with the inner power; instead of with the ego world.

The inner power is what I call Sheer Joy. Allied with is, I feel stronger. Joy is constantly strong, but easily forgotten in favor of ego because the ego is louder.

Joy does not promise any fame, fortune, position or cures for cancer. Joy is merely an inner strength which can become the primary consciousness with which I experience the dream. Allied with the inner strength, my perception significantly shifts from anger/fear/hate to benevolence. This perception shift is a miracle. It changes my life because I see everything differently.

Joy is not something possessed by the lucky of the talented. Joy is something I can uncover and tap into by a diligent practice of denying ego and all its negative thoughts; plus looking within for that constant strength and being aware of it. When I gave it a name, Sheer Joy, it became real and it became mine. I discontinue the constant stream of negativity from the ego and then listen and hang onto that which is my true foundation.

Being is Joy

Yesterday was a momentous day in my spiritual life. I said yesterday that I was feeling happy. Later in the day, I worked out a terribly important coupling equation.

I mentioned the inner being, the inner force of something which gets me out of bed; the inner power or spirit. Yesterday, I realized that this inner power is "Sheer Joy." Yup, that's right: Joy resides in me but I never recognized it for what it was.

As a matter of fact, I have spent most of my life hating "joy." This is because I'd read spiritual books and read about others joy and think that I had not one scrap of joy. Really. I'd hate the authors of these books and hate the joy too; because I had no idea what it is. I had only experienced the temporary sort of happiness which comes from the ego getting what it wants; never knowing anything about the true divine Joy which comes from Heaven.

Let me repeat: that thing that gets out of bed, which insists on daily spiritual study, pondering and prayer, which is the awesome athlete, which is the driving force behind my life, that something else which is not ego (the tiny mad idea): That is Sheer Joy. I am really Joy. I can now live from my true starting point and beginning: I am Joy.

Solution to the coupling equation: My life force = Sheer Joy from inside.

The truth about me (and you or anyone) is that we are Joy. God made joyful thoughts and that is what we are, nothing else. We are not bodies and we are not here is this dreadful world. We are all Sheer Joy.

How did we come to not know we are Sheer Joy and instead think we are these limited weak physicalities which get old and feeble and die? We decided to be special and so threw away the Kingdom of God. Jesus in A Course in Miracles says thin, "Everything outside the Kingdom is illusion (the ego world). When you threw truth away, you saw yourself as if you were without it. By making another kingdom (the ego world) that you valued, you did not keep only the Kingdom of God in your mind, and thus placed part of your mind outside it. What you made has imprisoned your will, and given you a sick mind that must be healed. Your vigilance against this sickness is the way to heal it" (ACIM text 6.V.C.9).

My way of being vigilant, because I want the Kingdom not the kingdom, is to take thought inventory. Any thought which is against the Sheer Joy reality needs to be brought to Jesus' light for healing. Remembering I am Joy makes me invulnerable to the ego world. I cannot be hurt because no one can hurt Joy; and I am not invested in the tiny reality which is without Joy. I am invested in the Kingdom which is only Joy, with which I am truly one.

The reality and acceptance of my inner Joy allowed me to make another extension. It relates to what I have perceived as a problem with a work colleague. He continually does things behind my back and I was perceiving this as a threat to me. So I feared and hated him. But if I realize I am Sheer Joy and can't be hurt, I don't need to fear this man. Further more, as Joy, I live under God's laws not worldly laws. So what happens here is known as a delusion and not true. This is way of perceiving is a true miracle.

Here are some supporting Miracle Principles:
33 Miracles rearrange perception and place all levels in true perspective. This is healing because sickness comes from confusing the levels.
33 Miracles honour you because you are lovable. They dispel illusions about yourself and perceive the light in you. They thus atone for your errors by freeing you from your nightmares. By releasing your mind from the imprisonment of your illusions, they restore your sanity.
36 Miracles are examples of right thinking, aligning your perceptions with truth as God created it.
37 A miracle is a correction introduced into false thinking by me. It acts as a catalyst, breaking up erroneous perception and reorganising it properly. This places you under the Atonement principle, where perception is healed. Until this has occurred, knowledge of the Divine Order is impossible.
41 Wholeness is the perceptual content of miracles. They thus correct, or atone for, the faulty perception of lack.

I still think I am here in this dream called the world. But, I am coming to have a consciousness which is love and peace and joy. I'd rather have Joy than hate and fear. I choose to have a mind which is one with God and so I want Joy and do what ever I need to uncover my fears and annoyances and bring them to the light. I will continue to study A Course in Miracles, continue to follow Spirit. My way of remembering the Course and its teachings is to ponder my litany, which is really a short form of Course principles. Yet, I have revised it again:

Father in Jesus name remind me of,
Your love for me and of my love for you.

If I am afraid I am deceived.
I am spirit. Know this can’t hurt me.
Fear is lack of love Atonement heals.
Expanding Love is my reality.

I am not alone, Jesus is here.
Jesus is the undoing of the dream.
The Holy Spirit is my choice for God.
I hear Him speak quietly in my mind.

Giving and receiving are the same.
True appreciation is my gift.
The innocent see perfection truly.
Christ Vision is their one and only sight.

God is not symbolic. He is fact.
His peace cannot be shaken. I am free.
Into Your Hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens to Your peace.

This is my commitment: I am joy.
Love is my intention as of now.
Love based thinking is my one desire.
Inner peace is what I really want. (Amen)

Now its time for another 5 hour workout. First a couple of hours of ex-machines and then running on trails. It is cold outside today, but not that windy. I'll still have to bundle up.

Gratitude and Love

I didn’t follow my rules for spirituality today. I didn’t do a schedule. I didn’t meditate for hours. I’ve been thinking again to trust God that I will find the next place He wants me to go. It even occurred to me that there is nothing wrong with this moment. I don’t need to be afraid about employment.

Gratitude is the word that just came to mind. I am filled with love and I am grateful. Grateful for the love, but also just to be. The love I am filled with does not have conditions or results. This love is just moments of comfort and companionship.

Maybe the early morning run in the rain was a cleansing thing. Maybe I received love while I was at the fellowship meeting. In this moment love is a feeling I have. If I feel safe in love, it could also mean that I have accepted love from Someone; that Someone who is everywhere and in everybody.

All the food I have is a gift from above. The cashier at the store almost hugged my apricots as she described how delicious they were. It was an experience of God sharing His love with me.

As I ran by the river this afternoon, I realized that my life is not a failure, but a series of experiences. Divine love was always there. Somehow, I sense I've never been alone, never failed and always accomplished the mission of love that was given me.

I almost understand the depths of despair my mother lived in and have compassion for her. I must be thinking with a mind not my own. For as long as I can remember, I've hated my mother for what seemed like pretty good reasons. Today, she is safely off my hook and free to be the spirit she really is. I came to this conclusion completely apart from any psychological processing. It was just a thought that entered my mind. A thought of compassion that surfaced from within.

I must be safe in God or I’d be terrified. The sense of gratitude and love simply cannot come from the ego. So, I must be in the hands of God.

I am grateful for the running I did today; who would not be? It seems such a simple thing, running. But at times, running is the most elusive thing or the most painful thing we have experienced. Then, it shows us its playful bashful side and we are filled with joy for that one moment of sheer existence.

Finisher

This morning, I struggled out of bed and pulled on some running clothes. What shirt? I pulled out my finisher T-shirt from the 2006 Kansas City marathon. It has "Finisher" emblazoned across the back. I put it on inside out to hide the word.

Then I went to do my spiritual work. My lesson for today is: "I give my life to God to guide today." I meditated on what is supposed to be a beautiful thing: God is my Guide.

As I listened to my own thinking, I found poison ideas that I needed to give to Jesus:
a) If I turn my life over to God and I don't get what I want, I can blame God.
b) I believe bad things will happen.
c) I believe I have not been forgiven for my mistakes. I think I am doing everything wrong.

These thoughts were hidden in my unconscious but in meditation, I had access to them. I realized that trusting God should be a happy thing. But I had decided I didn't want His joy. So it is up to me to decide I do want His joy and ask Jesus for help to accept it, to have joy be my reality.

After asking Jesus for help with a new decision, I sort of unconsciously took off my shirt, turned it so the Finisher would be on the outside and went for a really fast 4 mile run. My nonchalant action of changing my shirt was evidence that I had decided to be successful in God today. I have accepted the word Finisher as the truth about what it is like to live totally reliant on God. I have decided to be a success at believing in God's gifts of love, mercy and joy; and accept them fully with gratitude for my Creator, the Author of my life.

My life is not mine. Why do I insist on judging it as bad? So human, so human.

The Gift of Freedom

I want to live in God and nowhere else.

I must go through life as a well loved Child of God and nothing else. Nothing but God can give me happiness.

From A Course in Miracles 8.IV.1-3:

• If God’s Will for you is complete peace and joy, unless you experience only this you must be refusing to acknowledge His Will.
• I (Jesus) am come as a light into a world that does deny itself everything. It does this simply by dissociating itself from everything.
• I (Jesus) said that I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. That is why I am the light of the world. If I am with you in the loneliness of the world, the loneliness is gone. You cannot maintain the illusion of loneliness if you are not alone.
• The world must therefore despise and reject me (Jesus), because the world is the belief that love is impossible.
• If you will accept the fact that I (Jesus) am with you, you are denying the world and accepting God. My will is His, and your decision to hear me is the decision to hear His Voice and abide in His Will.

I love ACIM because it helps me live happy and joyous and loved. This Jesus is with me always, in real time, now. This Jesus is not safely in a box on an altar. He is with me now, shining his light in my thoughts, dispelling every resentment I give to him and filling me with joy. I live strong in Jesus. I walk with joy because Jesus has taught me how. My day sounds impossible, but since I walk with God and Jesus, nothing else matters. Since I walk with God and Jesus, my ego is powerless.

I am in love with Jesus. I have known this since being kicked out of the convent; but it has grown daily since then, over 5 years.

Ultra Retreat day 7

Today’s lesson 214: I place the future in the hands of God.

SF reflection: I just love being able to do this. I love how ACIM continually reminds me of God and to turn my life over. I am so happy when I do this. As a person in transition, I love working with God instead of listening to the news and being dejected.

“The past is gone; the future is not yet. Now am I freed from both. For what God gives can only be for good. And I accept but what He gives as what belongs to me.”

From Text 5.V:

V.7 Irrational thought is disordered thought. God Himself orders your thought because your thought was created by Him. Guilt feelings are always a sign that you do not know this. They also show that you believe you can think apart from God, and want to. … The purpose of the Atonement is to save the past in purified form only. If you accept the remedy for disordered thought, a remedy whose efficacy is beyond doubt, how can its symptoms remain?

V.8.4 What you want you expect.

VI.2.8 My (Jesus’) role is to unchain your will and set it free.

VII. 1.4 …you need merely cast your cares upon Him (God) because He careth for you.

VII. 5 Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations…6. …you must have already decided not to be wholly joyous if that is how you feel…you actively decided wrongly…Your part is merely to return your thinking to the point at which the error was made, and give it over to the Atonement in peace.

SF reflection: I spent my run working on the lesson and then deciding to be wholly joyous instead of worried about the future. In some ways, I don't know what joy is. But if I shut my mind up, I could sense a universal hymn of joy silently present everywhere. I could tap into that joy. I could ask Jesus what joy is or for help feeling it. Then I would feel a calm inside wherein rested an assurance of God's love and protection. Feeling safe, I felt joy. Knowing I'm protected doesn't mean I am special to God because God protects everyone. It is a matter of learning God's lessons and believing they are all good.

Also while running, I decided that I am a practicing spiritualist, metaphysicist, supported by God's Hands. I just am. I think I am so I am. A practicing spiritualist is what I've always wanted to be. This time of transition is provided for me to be intensive in my training and my practice. So there!

I am having a tiny bug invasion at my house: millions of little bugs. They don’t bite me but they are everywhere. So, I kill them. Clean them up. Bomb the house. Clean it up. And do it again if necessary. I asked God, “What am I learning from this?” Each of these bugs is a symbol of my negative ego doom and gloom thoughts. My killing and cleaning is the practice of turning these over to Jesus and then thinking with God, practicing forgiveness (seeing holiness, Christ presence and joy no matter what). I have millions of these thoughts and I’ll have to go through this procedure many times. But eventually, it won’t be a problem.

Hah! It is hot here. I continued my ultra-retreat today with 14 miles jog/walk in an 85 degF humid soup. One young doe observed very close to me. I applied for jobs online. Now, I need a nap. The high today is supposed to be 96 (ouch).

Joy and Love - My Nerdish Understanding

Here is my thesis (my own personal thought, not from a book): Joy is the Fourier Transform of Love.

Corollary: Joy is the spiritual etheric medium which supports creation.

1. God is Love. But divine Love is not the same as the typical human love. It is an abstract. It is purely a constant Truth, Idea or Thought. Constants are extremely difficult to perceive with human senses precisely because they are constant; but they can be known. God wants us to know Him and wants to communicate with us and wants us to know His Love. He provided a way for us to know Love.

2. The only real things are the things God created. Love is real, being of God. Creation is real being in the medium of joy, a pure transform of Love. Love transformed into joy supports creation. Creation is not the ego world. Creation exists; and we have a way to live in creation through the Holy Spirit.

3. We seem to live in a world. The world is made of energy, vibrating waves forms. Since this energy responds to thought, we can say it is formed, shaped or made by us. Hence I call it the ego world an illusion. The ego world is not creation but our world’s wave forms are still carried by the medium of joy. How to get out of the ego world and into creation is another blog.

4. A Fourier Transform is a mathematical operation that transforms one complex-valued function of a real variable into another. The new function, often called the frequency domain representation of the original function, describes which frequencies are present in the original function. The analogy of the Fourier Transform to the DIVINE Fourier Transform goes like this:

• Love is the complex-valued real function.
• Joy is defined as the new function which exists in the frequency domain because it is a perceivable energy.
• Creation is the frequency domain.
• The Holy Spirit is defined as the functioning operation that transforms.

5. The Fourier Transform is a mathematical operation. The DIVINE Fourier Transform is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the operating transformer Who brings Love into the world as joy. Creation does need an operating medium. That medium is defined as joy.

6. Love is a constant, not a harmonic frequency; hence it cannot exist in a frequency domain world without being transformed. The way Love reaches us is via the divine Fourier Transform which changes Love into joy; and joy is something we not only know but is innate to all creation (see corollary).

7. God is Love. His Love is filtered through a divine Fourier Transform so that we can experience it as joy. Love is the all pervasive constant of God; the only thing He is. Joy, though the supporting medium of the frequency domain, is a constant for us. Hence, to know divine Love, seek and experience joy.

Now, by seeking and experiencing joy, I do not mean physical dimension, but inner peace. Inner peace is also the topic of another log blog.

Get it? No, Spirit Flower, we need much more explanation. I agree; but it is time for me to go to bed.

50th Anniversary Prayer

It has taken a year of study of A Course in Miracles (supplemented by a previous 25 years study of Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and New Age); but I finally got my mind around the idea - I am/we are an idea of love in the Mind of Love (God). God is Love and God only can create love. So that is all any human can be: an idea of love. Everything else is an illusion. Extending love depends not on what charitable acts I do; or which person is standing in front of me. Extending love depends on what I am thinking. Any resentful thoughts ruin love and project hate instead of love. How to let go of all resentments is learned.

Take a look at this from A Course in Miracles (15.VI.4 and 5):

"4 You do not find it difficult to believe that when another calls on God for love, your call remains as strong. Nor do you think that when God answers him, your hope of answer is diminished. On the contrary, you are more inclined to regard his success as witness to the possibility of yours. That is because you recognize, however dimly, that God is an idea, and so your faith in Him is strengthened by sharing. What you find difficult to accept is the fact that, like your Father, you are an idea. And like Him, you can give yourself completely, wholly without loss and only with gain. Herein lies peace, for here there is no conflict.

5 In the world of scarcity, love has no meaning and peace is impossible. For gain and loss are both accepted, and so no one is aware that perfect love is in him. In the holy instant you recognize the idea of love in you, and unite this idea with the Mind that thought it, and could not relinquish it. By holding it within itself, there is no loss. The holy instant thus becomes a lesson in how to hold all of your brothers in your mind, experiencing not loss but completion. From this it follows you can only give. And this is love, for this alone is natural under the laws of God. ..."

Prayer:
Jesus, for my 50th birthday, I would like to give myself completely. I am perfectly capable of recognizing the idea of love every where in the world, and of dedicating my life to increasing my performance in extending the conscious awareness of love as my only consciousness. May I be exclusively committed to love. Please help me. Upon my "blowing out the candle" may they say, "She gave herself completely to love."

Since I plan to keep my candle burning for another 70 years, I should get to see the consciousness of divine love growing in the consciousness of the general population during that time. Significantly, everyone will know: love doesn't die, it just learns to give up its illusions.

[...love is all there is, love is all there is....I love you yeah yeah yeah...]

I just realized, I am still idealistic after 50 years of life here in an ego world. Isn't that fantastic! After 50 years, I am not cynically hardened, emotionally vindictive or hopeless! I have faith! Celebrate! This is a joyful moment! I still think I will remember God in this lifetime. I still think I will give up all my ego judgments and learn to love everyone. I still think I will realize that a consciousness of love is all I need and all I will want.

Today I ran 21 miles. I started out under a full moon and finished in bright sunshine. The three big black puppies mauled me. Instead of hating them, I thought, "those dogs are love."

This is an old picture that someone put on a forum I participate in. It is of a muslim groom and a christian bride in Beirut, 1983.

For me: The bride is my soul, the beautiful little spirit that I truly am. The groom is my Inner Higher Love, who comes to help me and guide me to Heaven. The destruction of war is what my ego does each and every day.

Psalm 39:

• ...like a moth you (God) eat away all that is dear to us (our egos); truly everyone is but a puff of wind (our bodies are illusions).
• We walk about like a shadow, and in vain (egotism) we are in turmoil (fear)...
• ...my hope is in you (not this world of ego delusion)...

ACIM: "You do not know the meaning of anything you perceive. Not one thought you hold is wholly true. The recognition of this is your firm beginning. You are not misguided; you have accepted no guide at all. Instruction in perception is your great need, for you understand nothing. Recognize this but do not accept it, for understanding is your inheritance. Perceptions are learned, and you are not without a Teacher. Yet your willingness to learn of Him depends on your willingness to question everything you learned of yourself, for you who learned amiss should not be your own teacher."

Yesterday, alot happened at work. Our company is coming down to the wire on a project, and I am in the position of pushing other managers to show "actual" results. Some of our equipment is broken so we are not in environmental compliance. My boss is working on getting an old guy to retire and bless me with doing only environmental work for all our plants (this is a good thing) except maybe I have a job interview at another company.

As I sat at home last night, humility crossed my mind. Then this morning, Psalm 39 and the above portion of the ACIM text helped ground me in humility. I also pondered that picture and felt more humility. I (my ego) destroy peace everyday. Yet, Inner Higher Love will come to be my Teacher every day and lead me to Heaven.

I admit that I do not understand the world. My desire is to listen to my Teacher. I surrender. On the one hand, I try to realize that I am not a body. On the other hand, I fast and detox in order to vibrate at higher levels, to better hear my Teacher.

I live in this little town.

I work at this crummy little company.

I have these physical and emotional defects.

I seek God.

I run.

Silent JOY is the ground of my being. It rests quietly under the raging ego. I can be JOY anytime I remember. I can remember.

Joy and Chores

I thought again this afternoon how a person needs to be able to hear from their own insides what the Spirit is saying to them. This opinion means that you have to take a break from other people’s books and elder masters and just listen. To some extent, you have to leave “community” because you need to see what solitary listening is. Even sacred scripture and homilies and mother’s advice must be laid aside; so you can hear the love present in your own heart. For me, working on my own is something of the ultimate dogmatic challenge. The years of Roman Catholic hierarchy programmed me for believing the Church knew better than me. The years of Benedictine monastic life programmed me to believe I should be obedient to my superiors even if they were wrong; and that monks in community were the best kind of monks. The years of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) may have been helpful in that the Text claims the Holy Spirit and Jesus as Teacher and Guide; or harmful in that many ACIM teachers insist that you need a teacher. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they talk about having a sponsor, which I did for about the first 10 years. But now I have 23 years of sobriety; I don’t know anyone who knows more about the art of living sober than I do.

I risk sitting alone with my ego. I risk failure at the one area of life that interests me: God consciousness. I will take all I’ve learned in distance running, sobriety, monasticism, Catholicism, ACIM, engineering, fasting, contemplation and relationships; and let it integrate.

The result of integration is joy. I not only am certain of this, and completely know it, I trust my heart and my faith. I have completed every prayer possible except the one of my beating heart, my breathing lungs, my running footfall. Joy is my work. Joy is my practice. These prayers are my joy. Joy is my prayer. Not asking for it but living it, every moment. My joy is God’s joy. There is nothing else.

On a lighter note, I ran 16.2 miles this morning. I was industrious with my chores this afternoon. It is a sunny warm day and I completed the outside ladder work needed before winter. I am now ready for my right arm to be destroyed by surgery once again. I swept up another million “crop” bugs.

Darkness

Well, well, well. So what, so what, so what.

"...the Call to awake is within you."

Jesus said we would take my fear inventory. Yesterday, I revisited the old fear that I am well familiar with: fear of others. I fear others. Maybe they will take my money, my security, my self esteem; and leave me hurt or struggling. My life has been about defending myself from "them." My ego firmly states, "They are my problem." On an intellectual level, I know my perception is my problem and I am responsible for it. I am the one that projected this world and I am the one that chose what I see.

"...the Call to awake..."

This morning, I sat at my table. Along with various memories, I was silently praying the name of Jesus. I realized that I was praying out of unhappiness and anger. The prayer was unconscious of fear; until...I pictured my self walking in blackness, the ego on the one hand with its anger. On the other hand was an unknown darkness: love and joy. At first thought I was walking a between land, then it became clear to me that the between land was really terror. I am terrified.

"...the Call..."

I realize my world projection is a movie of my terror. I live in an ego straight jacket. What is joy? Spirituality maybe brought me flashes of joy or love. Trying to live as I observe makes most others happy only brings me hate and disappointment. Religions (including the ACIM Text) make all sorts of promises of love and joy. I never have got that.

"...the Call..."

So, yes, I am sitting here in darkness today. I've clearly been told that this is my choice and that Jesus is leading me out and it is not really reality anyway. Again I pray, "Please help me."

"..............."

Jesus

Psalm 103: "Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name."

This morning, I didn't start my prayer time with much hope but ended it with deep love for Jesus and a total feeling of trusting intimacy, like I have for my elbow doctor (what could be more intimate and trusting than allowing someone to tear open your skin, chip and hack and drill; while you are asleep?).

Jesus was talking through ACIM. He said, "The dynamics of the ego will be our lesson for awhile, for we must look first at this to see beyond it, since you have made it real. We will undo this error quietly together, and then look beyond it to truth." Imagine that you have a wise doctor who comes to see you each day (maybe someone who brought you back from the brink of suicide). You have had such a long relationship that you love him. Today he shows up and says, "We are going to start going through your crap. I want you to see your source of fear. Your fear is not real; but you must look at it before you can look beyond it into the face of God. I will come and talk to you everyday about this for awhile. Honesty is intimacy. I know how your ego feels about this. But intimacy is also love and by now, you know how much I love you and you love me."

Jesus listed the type of thoughts the ego gives me. If I take my inventory and learn to recognize the ego's thoughts, I can give them to Jesus: wishful thinking...idle wishes...attacks (resentments against others)...feeling supercilious, unbelieving, emotionally shallow, callous, uninvolved, lighthearted, distant, desperate. Whatever seems to separate you from God is only fear. The ego doesn't really want you to understand your fear because you would find your fear is not real. So you listen to your ego and waste your time with idle wishes instead.

So, with an inner excitement and giddy trembling, I look forward to Jesus joining me for my daily and deep inventory "for awhile." He will talk to me about my idle wishes and quietly we will approach my fear and undo it.

While I was in the monastery, one of the priests from the men's abbey befriended me by becoming my regular confessor. Once a week, he listened to my resentments, hatreds, shame and fears; then applied the healing balm of Reconciliation. Then, a mad man came into their abbey one day and started shooting any monk he saw. My confessor was shot but not killed. I was devestated. About three weeks later, my confessor was in the infirmary at his abbey and I had visited him a couple of times. He loved being a priest and he loved his priestly duties, but being tied to a sucking machine in the infirmary, he couldn't celebrate sacraments; which he very much wanted to do. He invited me to come back a week later and we would celebrate the sacrament of Reconciliation together. It felt like Jesus Himself had invited me to come and surrender to His love. I felt that Jesus was joyfully happy that I would show him my stuff and let him heal it. That is how I feel now today. Jesus has invited me to come into his heart and he is in mine.

If you are a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, the number one threat to your sobriety is your ego. I urge you to take your inventory at deeper and more subtle levels. This will ensure not only not drinking, but the development of conscious contact and living sobriety as an art form.