Mile 160

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee started May 1. I had 4 months to complete the 622 mile course. As of today, I've completed 160 miles. That's great for me especially considering I went back to my part time job on the fifth. Here is a map of the course with my approximate location.

I've enjoyed my time at work this past week. I like being back among the other baristas.

I've continued to be astounded by the teaching of Abraham Now during this time of pandemic.

Lately, I've re-watched the documentaries a woman made of her Appalachian Trail, Pacific Crest Trail and Continental Divide Trail. She was an electrical engineer who couldn't stand her cubicle so cashed out her retirement and went on these adventures. I can relate to the gut reason I left my career: to get out of the office. My adventures are not the same as hiking the AT, but they are my life's adventures. I've hiked my life daily. My adventures are more cerebral.

Speaking of cerebral, I mentioned before that I was reading a difficult book. So difficult I had to read the first few chapters 3 times to figure out the point of the book. I finally got it figured out and could go on to why I picked up that book anyway: it had some things to say about Jesus which I desperately wanted to know. The book is not at all about any virus since it was written in 1973. It is about the change in consciousness which Jesus brought us. A total change in perspective of God than we had before. But most of us, almost all of us, especially religious institutions,  haven't taken Jesus up on his teaching. And so the violence escalates in the communities. The solution to our virus problem is complete and utter non-violence, total discontinuation of pushing against anything or anyone.

But at any time and at any moment, we can stop pushing, stop resistance, start appreciation, start mercy. Join the Kingdom of God instead.

Behold

Behold is a word I rediscovered in my current spiritual reading ("Silence-a user's guide" by Maggie Ross).

Look! Stand is awe! Wordless. In your meditation, don't try for enlightenment but for beholding that which is silent and vast and non-physical. Quiet the mind for the purpose of beholding.

Jesus said,"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me" (Revelations,3:30, English Standard Version).

Has there ever been a more metaphysical saying? That great presence which you seek is standing at the door of your consciousness. Quiet the self-conscious mind and behold with a deeper awareness, a clarity, a now consciousness which has no words.

Behold, the bird in the tree. Behold, the tree. Behold air. Behold the sun. Behold, water. Behold, cells in your body. Behold, food. Behold, consciousness. Behold, earth. Behold, love. Behold joy. Behold, thought. Behold, gifts. Behold, compassion. Behold, altruism. Behold, help is here. Behold, I go before you always. Behold, seek and you shall find. Behold, mercy. Behold, these things shall be added unto you. Behold well-being. Behold abundance. Behold, I am with you always.

Be still and know that I am God.

Behold. I saw but I have no words for it. I couldn't grasp it. But it was and is. Behold.

The place of beholding is called liminality, the threshold. Behold is to see beyond. This place can be found somehow. And then sit at the threshold and you will know everything. Behold is a verb. Behold is a command. Self forgetfulness is beholding. Beholding is not an experience, because you were transfixed in thoughtless awareness when it happened, but ever transfigured afterward. Transfigured meaning software and cell biology updated.

You live in a new word. Behold!

The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother's womb because I knew that this life's journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn't born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn't born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, "Okay God. I'll do it."

When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, "I am the bread of life." He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 

Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.

Drop the Rocks Day

It is Sunday. Normally I go running on Sundays. But it is cold and wet outside. I will go out for a bit, in a bit. But I decided, there is no need for me to do any set amount of miles. I can burn the calories for today quite easily inside. Drop the rocks.

So I spent more time on spirituality. It occurred to me that my daily spiritual study is pure enjoyment for me.

Meditating on this:

Matthew 5 New International Version (NIV)

Introduction to the Sermon on the Mount

5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorifyyour Father in heaven.

Jesus was Gay

Wicked me. The first instant I saw this picture, I didn't think of Jesus but of gay guys.

I found it on the page of a religious order and it is supposed to be about Advent. As a heterosexual, I like it because John looks hot to me.

In other news, I am tapering for my 55 hour race in 3 weeks. Nothing I do now other than heal up will help with that endeavor. So I only have 45 miles and 13+ hours this week. I have done some procurement: a sleeping bag, a hot food thermos, shoes. I entered a race in February, 50k on a trail.

Yesterday, I did some fast running. In the evening I had a great hour of durability, or work hardening. Using 2 floors of my house, I carry 10 lb olympic plates up and down stairs. On the top landing, I do 5 shoulder presses and 5 calf raises. On the bottom floor I do 2 kettle bell side to sides, 3 pushups with jump up, one arm kettle bell row, 3 side to side on step platform, 2 sets of 5 exercises on trx, 5 tricep pull downs, 3 more step platform side to side, repeat. I get about 20 laps done in an hour. I'm happy to say, I am able to run up and down stairs at this time. I think durability workouts are very good for me.

I've been going through my journal for the past year. I was noting the number of times I have something positive to say about my spirituality. It is much more than I remember. Often, I wake up with a bad attitude, but by the end of my spiritual study, I feel happy. My Course in Miracles lesson today is: "God is the only goal I have today."

And I went to the park with a full Nathan plus 20 oz. I didn't really need all that but I wanted to carry the weight. I did 14 laps/ 10.5 miles. Yup, doing laps prepares my mind for doing hundreds of laps.

Surrender and do better

One way to get through a day is to remember "I am a worn and no man." (see the 7th degree of humility) Remembering this, I survived 4 years in a monastery where I was in fact below all other precious but annoying little nuns.

Rule of Benedict, Chapter 7: On Humility

The seventh degree of humility
is that he consider himself lower and of less account
than anyone else,
and this not only in verbal protestation
but also with the most heartfelt inner conviction,
humbling himself and saying with the Prophet,
"But I am a worm and no man,
the scorn of men and the outcast of the people" (Ps. 21[22]:7).
"After being exalted, I have been humbled
and covered with confusion" (Pa. 87:16).
And again,
"It is good for me that You have humbled me,
that I may learn Your commandments" (Ps. 118[119]:71).

Another way to get through a day come through the 3rd step of AA: "Father, I offer myself to you, to do with me and build with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to the will, thy love and thy way of life. May I at last abandon myself utterly to you."

Another way is a daily phrase from A Course in Miracles. From the Manual for Teachers: "The name of Jesus stands for love beyond this world. Jesus is the Word of God. The Word of God is the Atonement." or also,
"I am here only to be truly helpful. I am here to represent Him who sent me. I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me. I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me. I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal." (text 2.V)

"Into thy hands I commend my spirit."

What I am saying is that if I abandon my ego, turn my will and my life over to God, I do better. Otherwise, I am a stressed out worrisome mess every day. If I practice downward mobility in a hierarchical sense, that is, stop trying to protect and defend but merely serve, I do better mentally and emotionally. I may or may not do better financially, but that is not the point.

Now I will go to the park and run laps.

Memorial Day 2014

I am nearing the end of 5 days off. As usual, silence and solitude have provided a mental grinding post. This working away of the ego is the finest part of Desert Spirituality; but it is also the most dreadful.

After one day of solitude, I looked at my Black Berry and saw a troubling e-mail from a colleague. My ego suddenly wanted to take off on a rampage. I could see my sudden need to practice my spirituality very intensely. Truly, perfection of spirit, renunciation takes place on this inner field and because our egos get upset. The field seems sort of like ego vs spirit. But, really, the ego was never real and spirit is not really on the same playing field as the ego. I needed to work the aspects of A Course in Miracles known as "holy instant" and "looking beyond" or be miserable.

A Course in Miracles assures us that our thinking is undisciplined and gives us tools. I picked up my tools. The tools worked. this morning, I experienced a moment of knowing I shared the One Life with my colleague. It didn't have to be more than an instant of allowing my self to be spiritually healed.

And then continue to practice the mental discipline.

I am getting ready for my first marathon since surgery. It is a road marathon. I am not looking forward to the "racers." But to give myself a chance in the race environment, I have been going easy during these 5 days. That means only 3-4 hours of workout each day, not all running. I've still put in 60 miles in the past 5 days. Not sure really how that happened. Didn't seem like it.

I've also been writing a paper on ammonia refrigeration. It surprises me how I got 5 pages written this weekend. I am grateful that finally my thoughts coalesced into sentences and paragraphs. Key points were focused on.

I did not celebrate memorial day other than take my day off work. I realize others must think I'm wired wrong; but I am not proud of the stars and stripes. I don't agree with our middle eastern wars. I think our people are soft and the civilization we were decades ago is gone.

I've been reading the works of Keith Akers (The Lost Religion of Jesus). Very astounding works; but definitely would be dissed by main stream Christianity. But his works do verify my own supposition that Jesus was a radical and would never have agreed with churches as they exist now, and in particular not with the Roman Catholic authorities. It fits with my vow to shamelessly follow Jesus; even if it looks like I'm against Christians.

Long Weekend - Non-Valentine's

I don't participate in Christmas or Thanksgiving for matters of conscience. What about Valentine's Day? I don't have a boy friend, so nothing to decide. But I have refused candy and cookies since I continue to abstain from the great American eating machine, the culture of excess and super-size.

Don't super-size me.

In fact, I'm going in a half marathon on Saturday. I'm coming in at a slim 132 lb for a 5'8" female frame. Personally, I think I would be normal weight were this 40 years ago.

It is a 3 day weekend for me. This weekend is my Friday off. I'm going to do what I do every weekend: study spiritual texts, sit in silence, run. I somehow have become once again interested in what Jesus said and did. I continue to seek reconciliation with Jesus apart from religion. And so, I have found a new author who looks at Jesus outside the traditional methods.

If I did in fact make a vow 15 years ago to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer; then I am continuing to fulfill the vow. Shamelessly following Jesus is radical; not your normal church going Christianity, which is anything but shamelessly-following-Jesus. To be in a church is to follow the agenda of men. This I cannot do.

No, I am not a Christian.

Yes, I am against Christianity.

This leaves me as a shameful sight to Christians; anathema. But I shamelessly step up to the plate and say: Jesus was worthy of following but he was not what you say. Love is worth it. I suppose I love Him; and so I do what I do.

The Hero

Now that I am home from my business trip, I have taken my study of Q back up. Q? Q is a source for the Gospels of Mathew and Luke separate from Mark. There is no historical document of Q. There is only passages in Mathew and Luke which are identical enough to say they copied them from somewhere, but they don't appear in Mark. There are some interesting silences in the Q material.

Any true Christian should do a several years study of the Bible from the critical point of view: Where did it come from? Don't just take it point blank or according to what the church authority says.

My point today is that I was reading how Q's Jesus story relates to the typical prophet's story found in the Old Testament, particularly Wisdom 2-5. The person who makes a decision to adhere to God ALWAYS undergoes persecution and death. Then the adherent often rises; but frequently the adherent's sayings live on in the survivors. This "Wisdom Story" is not an individual's story but a community story.

The Wisdom Story happens over and over and crosses cultural and time boundaries.

So from a neuro-philosophy point of view, I wonder: is the Wisdom Story just a part of human brain wiring? If so, do I have to believe it? Do I have to follow it?

What was really the truth of Jesus?

What I have to go on today is many written materials, and my own experiences of Spirit. Is the Spirit spiritual or is the Spirit my own Higher Self? What I do know is that my foundational belief is that there is a higher consciousness and that I can rely on it activities. Its relationship to me is a beneficial one. It doesn't have to be my Higher Self. It could be OUR Higher Self.

I have clearly decided for God. No I don't have any proof and am willing to admit this is entirely neuro.

A Priori

Haha, that is a fancy term used by scholars.

I am studying a long complicated book about Q, one of the sources of the New Testament Gospels. Mathew and Luke are derived from Mark and Q. Q and Mark are separate. I'm up to page 94 of the analysis and maybe only  1/10th through the book.

I had to stop and ponder. About 8 years ago, when I last did serious scripture study, I had to decide that only about 20% of the Gospels have any source in Jesus; the rest being the agenda of the male priestly portion of humanity. This morning, I am again amazed about the volume of arguments from numerous scholars; and how impossible it is to discern what Jesus actually said and did or who he was.

More startling is that reading the analysis, I realized that mankind is based on some common suppositions (my synopsis):

• Mankind believes in God.
• Mankind believes it is bad/ sinful.
• Mankind believes in a Messiah/ Savior.

In these beliefs there is a tremendous amount of dogma. There is a mostly frightening rendition of an angry God. The beliefs plus dogma seem hopeless. It can't be that joining the Roman Catholic Church is your only out. Or even saying "Jesus is Lord" is your only out.

My interest in spirituality is for today, this life; not after I die or some other life. My interest is in spirituality today, conscious contact now. Evolution requires that humanity transcend these beliefs.

I think I need to return to the hermitage and just listen.

It is yet another hot humid day in Houston. I guess I'll go walk around Brummerhop Park, practicing to keep my mind silent.

Adoration

Yes, I would like to fall on my kness and be in abject awe of The Divine.

I don't do it by sitting in front of a piece of bread. Just the thought "Adoration" causes me to pause. And then contemplation springs up. Contemplation of anything.

Yes, contemplation of Jesus crucified is a worthy image. Be silent when you do this. Do not repeat to yourself anything you may have read in the Bible or in church.

So Powerful

I'm talking about Lesson 169 (below).

But first: As I was driving home this afternoon, I thought, "A person could make an entire spirituality just from the name of Jesus." And I say, entirely separate from any current religion or the Bible. Just say the name.

And then, I noticed I was feeling good, like everything was alright.

I came home and snarfed down a salad. Now I am having coffee with York Peppermint creamer. I just looked at Lesson 169, getting ready for my evening workout. After I put this chant together, I thought, "So powerful."

By grace I live. By grace I am released.
Grace is acceptance of the Love of God.
We say "God is" and then we cease to speak.

A Moment in Christ

I love Jesus.

This single clear thought struck my mind this evening as I stood in my kitchen.

It is a daring bold moment of clarity. I'm not even going to justify which Jesus or whose Jesus. Just Jesus period.

This was after I came down from laying on my bed and pondering my latest creation from lesson 165.

Let not my mind deny the Thought of God.

Heaven is mine today but for the asking.

Now is Christ's power _ _ in my mind.

My doubts are meaningless. God is certain.

I count on God and not upon myself.

This was after a bit of lunch.
This was after visiting the tax preparer.
This was after a green smoothie.
This was after the grocery store.
This was after a 16 mile run.
This was after spiritual study.
This was after getting up on time this morning.

My Sick Mind

Today, as usual, I went running. I wanted to run on the levy; thinking I could run where there wasn't much snow and more or less zone out for a few hours. But I found that the wind had blown foot tall drifts every 4 or 5 feet. Crunching through drifts is hard work and tedious running. After 2h15, I abruptly became disinterested and headed for the car, finishing my workout on the ex-machines.

After 40 min on the treadmill and 28 min on the nordic track, I had a startling relevation about the series of thoughts which had been in my mind. I was even astounded to see that this entire years of blogs is intent on one thing: selling you on the idea that I am spiritual, loved by God, and living a very interesting and worthwhile life while your life is stupid, unconscious and worldly.

It feels good to realize how sick my thinking is. and Jesus gives me a way out. If I admit the truth, he shines away the darkness with his light. Truly, I don't want to leave such insidious egotism festering in my sub-conscious.

In chapter 8 of A Course in Miracles text. Jesus makes some astounding offerings. Do I want what he offers? Jesus practically begs us to join him.

• "I am come as a light into a world that does deny itself everything...
• I said that I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. That is why I am the light of the world. If I am with you in the loneliness of the world, the loneliness is gone...
• If my light goes with you everywhere, you shine it away with me...
• If you will accept the fact that I am with you, you are denying the world and accepting God...
• My will is His, and your decision to hear me is the decision to hear His Voice and abide in His Will...
• If you want to be like me I will help you, knowing that we are alike. If you want to be different, I will wait until you change your mind...
• I can teach you, but only you can choose to listen to my teaching...
• I will always remember you, and in my remembrance of you lies your remembrance of yourself. In our remembrance of each other lies our remembrance of God...
• Let the Love of God shine upon you by your acceptance of me...
• By joining your mind with mine you are signifying your awareness that the Will of God is one...
• To join with me is to restore His power to you because we are sharing it. I offer you only the recognition of His power in you, but in that lies all truth...
• When you unite with me you are uniting without the ego, because I have renounced the ego in myself ...
• Our union is therefore the way to renounce the ego in you. The truth in both of us is beyond the ego...
• I go before you because I am beyond the ego. Reach, therefore, for my hand because you want to transcend the ego...
• My strength will never be wanting, and if you choose to share it you will do so. I give it willingly and gladly...

Running Free

Today’s run was extraordinary. 23 miles in 4h00 (10.4 m/m).

It’s now 5:30 pm. I finished my run at 1:45. I did take some Aleve, but the achilles is not hurting hardley at all (and it usually does). For some reason, combined with my awesome Gobbler half-mary race, I think my running is finally purified.

In the monastery, I felt guilty for running, although I needed to in order to be sane as well as avoid weight gain. I felt guilty because running shoes and gear cost money; as well as it conflicted with community and prayer. Then, when I came out of the monastery, I continued to feel guilty; like running was still taking time from contemplation. And I felt like racing was a thing of ego grandiosity. Like the shiney medals and ag awards mattered only to self and not to Self. I also felt like running was sort of a way of cheating God out of power over me (like the give and take of injuries, and increased health, were defeating God's old age decrepitude syndrome).

Today’s run, I was repeating a prayer, “Father, in Jesus’ name remind me of (pause) Your love for me and my love for You.” And then I just ran. Gu every 45 min with about 3 oz of water. It was a mostly warm day but very windy. What if somehow running is a talent God gave? I’ve always dis-ed it because I am really not that fast. But on a global scale (looking at all the 50 year old ladies around me), I am an awesome runner. So what if my prayer was answered today by releasing me from my running guilt?

During my vacation, I’ve been studying my spiritual book and reflecting on today and potential futures; and working out every day. There have been spiritual questions answered and my responses have been accepting of God’s gifts.

So now I say: running and racing are remembrances of His love for me and my love for Him. And Jesus must have been running at my side and whispering in my ear.

Solitude Explained

I am a solitary because I want time. I want time for spirituality and running. I say “solitary” because I have disengaged from society and individual relationships. As a result of sitting in long periods of silence and inactivity, facing my ego’s negativity, and exposing myself directly to spiritual intervention, my attitudes, ideas and opinions are differentiated from society; and becoming integrated with “something else” I call the COMPANION.

I want to live in deep embrace and partnership, one consciousness with the COMPANION. I have wanted this since I was 22. Seeking the oneness is why I’ve done everything else: daily spiritual study (for all those years), learned silent sitting, integrated running into the meditation, used wholistic food and fasting to attune my body to the COMPANION’s vibration pattern, disengaged from society (TV, entertainment, holidays, religion, politics, 12 Step groups, etc.), daily reflection and discussion with the COMPANION.

Ten years ago, I was removed from society totally by going to live in a monastic cloister, for almost 4 years. A Benedictine contemplative community is a group exercise, not solitude; but it does disconnect one from ordinary life.

Five years ago, I became a solitary by default as I lived and worked in the country. I was intentional about solitude and contemplation by this time. Alone for long periods of time, I had to consciously process guilt, hate, anger, shame and fear; or go back to society and avoid these emotions by being busy. Everybody has these but they are usually covered with busyness. We don't recognize that the routine frustrations are evidence of a mountain of hate lying just below the surface of consciousness. Solitude gives you knowledge of that mountain of negative ego emotion.

When you have stayed in solitude and processed the ego emotions for long enough, you become mentally different than the people who never did it; inhabiting a different world as it were. After some time of processing, it becomes impossible to go back. My worst problem with solitude is realizing that I am unable to rejoin society and no one wants for follow me into true embrace with the COMPANION. I’ve had people question why anyone would want to give up their life like this.

So, given the situation, I must find the COMPANION and fully enter His consciousness. To fully embrace and engage a spiritual life and spiritual world, I must fully let go of the ego world and ego emotions and any hope of finding satisfaction in anything other than the COMPANION. The COMPANION is with me always, but I must turn to Him and listen to His Voice; instead of looking back at society and listening to ego.

The COMPANION heals my guilt, hate, anger, shame and fear; if I give it to Him. I begin to live in a world of peace, joy and love, God’s reality. This new world is freedom from ego and reception of God’s gifts. My function becomes a) being an icon of God’s reality, b) projecting God’s reality and c) mirroring God’s reality.

The COMPANION has more to teach me. I am now an urban solitary, beginning a life of acceptance and faith in the COMPANION alone. My journey is still one of emptiness, inactivity and letting go of ego emotions.

Everyone has a path to oneness with the COMPANION. The COMPANION does not belong to me. Everyone walks their path and does their own work, whether they know it or not. The way out of the ego world is much quicker for those who intentionally engage in their process.

This morning, I got up at 6, did spiritual study for an hour (including writing this), cleaned the house, and sat down to type what I wrote. Now, I think it is almost time for running.

The Morning After Gratitude

Last evening I was so full of love, peace, gratitude. This morning, I had for Jesus a large ear full of how much I don't believe He is helping me. There was an even huger portion of how I am not good enough and nothing good will ever happen to me again. I told all this stuff to Jesus realizing they are ego thoughts and they are meaningless. The ego never happened so these thoughts never happened; but I think they happened so I talk to Jesus about them. These are thoughts which need healing; which means I need to let go of my ego and this ego world. I need to allow God's Love to return to me and believe in the divine light in me (and you); and let Jesus handle the details.

At one point, as I pondered the letting go of my ego thoughts and anger at God for not sending me what I want when I want it, I realized, I would rather die than be healed. I would rather stick to my ego and ignore/deny God's glory than open my eyes to It and be in awe of What It Is, which I am a part of and made by. Of course! My ego would die if I stopped believing it and instead believed totally in God's Love. My ego would rather have me kill myself than give it up. So I asked Jesus for a miracle, a change in my perception; a miracle of acceptance of love and of the truth about me. The ego fights Love very vociferously, pouncing on me whenever it thinks I might escape its prison. That is all that happened: I was aware of Love and my ego fought it.

It was a stormy morning here. It was still stormy at 5 so I did my meditation. At 6:15, it was still stormy and I was sleepy so I went back to bed. This idea must have been intuitive guidance because I had a meaningful dream and a loving dream. I rarely remember dreams. But this one was one of those gifts.

Then, I went for a 2 hour low impact jog. It was cloudy and cool, 72F. I said hi to Merry and a couple of others whose names I don't know. The park was very quiet. God was speaking in green trees and silence.

After my run, I thought, "How do you know that there is anything to be worried about? Why do you think that everything is not being perfectly handled better than you can?" I realized my message is to let go and let God. My message is to just follow the guidance. Trust Love.

This time of unemployment is one of intense spiritual and emotional growth; a gift. Now if I could just remember that. It is so habitual for me to think God is punishing me. There is no evidence God is punishing me. More likely I am punishing myself because I don't like myself. There is no evidence for not liking me; everyone else does. I still have more inner healing to do before I think I'll be ready to jump back into my profession.

I am love and I live in Love. I don't need any other thoughts.

The Gift of Freedom

I want to live in God and nowhere else.

I must go through life as a well loved Child of God and nothing else. Nothing but God can give me happiness.

From A Course in Miracles 8.IV.1-3:

• If God’s Will for you is complete peace and joy, unless you experience only this you must be refusing to acknowledge His Will.
• I (Jesus) am come as a light into a world that does deny itself everything. It does this simply by dissociating itself from everything.
• I (Jesus) said that I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. That is why I am the light of the world. If I am with you in the loneliness of the world, the loneliness is gone. You cannot maintain the illusion of loneliness if you are not alone.
• The world must therefore despise and reject me (Jesus), because the world is the belief that love is impossible.
• If you will accept the fact that I (Jesus) am with you, you are denying the world and accepting God. My will is His, and your decision to hear me is the decision to hear His Voice and abide in His Will.

I love ACIM because it helps me live happy and joyous and loved. This Jesus is with me always, in real time, now. This Jesus is not safely in a box on an altar. He is with me now, shining his light in my thoughts, dispelling every resentment I give to him and filling me with joy. I live strong in Jesus. I walk with joy because Jesus has taught me how. My day sounds impossible, but since I walk with God and Jesus, nothing else matters. Since I walk with God and Jesus, my ego is powerless.

I am in love with Jesus. I have known this since being kicked out of the convent; but it has grown daily since then, over 5 years.

Ultra-retreat - 1

I got up with the alarm at 4. It is rainy today so I don’t know how the workouts will go.

Prayer for lesson 207: “God’s blessing shines upon me from within my heart, where He abides. I need but turn to Him, and every sorrow melts away, as I accept His boundless Love for me.”

From the Text (3.VII.5.5): “Your creation by God is the only Foundation that cannot be shaken, because the light is in it. Your starting point is truth and you must return to your Beginning.”

From the Text (4.I.4.6): If you are willing to renounce the role of guardian of your thought system and open it to me (Jesus), I will correct it very gently and lead you back to God.”

I realize that in undertaking an ultra-retreat, I am going against my ego. My ego is terrified of this and is fearfully shrieking about money. Jesus offers to teach me about Love, about my Beginning; if I am willing to let him. Money is my ball and chain. It is my anchor to thinking the world is real. I live in an ego fabrication where most people work because they think they need money and health insurance. Jesus offers a different world, the world of the spirit where these things are meaningless. Obviously, I don’t know how to live like that, but Jesus offers me a path.

In my ultra-retreat, I am at least giving Jesus a chance. My plan is to essentially un-make my prison and learn a better way. My ego offers terror. Jesus offers Love and escape from terror. The problem is that to follow Jesus, I have to give up my ego thought system. I am willing but I haven’t the ability without Jesus.

It is a self transcendence race.

Return to the Beginning: where I remembered God and lived only in His Love. Surrender to Jesus as my Teacher. Realize that God abides in my heart and spend the time in contemplation necessary to grasp the Great Reality which exists within.

There is a line of thunderstorm approaching my location. It will pass and so will my fear. God Love is the only true reality. It and He is the Beginning which I seek.

Probably more later.

The New Jesus Paradigm

From A Course in Miracles:
"My mind gives the world meaning." "What keeps the world in chains but my beliefs?"

I am a Roman Catholic, formerly spent 4 years in a monastery, attended Catholic seminary, and am deeply conditioned by standard Catholic beliefs. The standard Christian teaching on atonement is the one I was originally taught: Jesus died for my sins. ACIM changes the meaning of this word, atonement, and how we are saved. Today, I put the ACIM concept of Atonement in my own words (which may or may not be accurate).

Most people blithely say Atonement according to ACIM means undoing; and it does. But here is more: Atonement is not a sacrificial offering of Jesus to God; but a joining with the living Christ (NOW) and sacrificing the ego belief system. The ego belief system is symbolized by the crucifixion story; a story of God needing an offering of His murdered Son before He will see us as sinless. The ego belief system summed up: anything that is not love or peace is ego. Sacrifice, meaning give up, means give up anything not love or peace. Because God is love, all I need to do is give up (sacrifice) my ego belief system in order to enter Heaven. Killing anyone or paying for anything has nothing to do with it.

I subscribe to ACIM because a) I get to keep the personal relationship to Jesus, the living Christ, that I have always had, and b) ACIM makes more sense to me if God is love instead of anger and punishment. I am willing to go through the process and the work of changing my beliefs in order to give the world a meaning of love and peace.