To Care for My Soul

 That long essay regarding failure to understand a philosophy exam helped me to feel better. This activity felt like I was caring for myself. Instead of letting my emotions rage, or trying to bury them, I worked them out in writing.

Your soul is not some mysterious thing. It is the entity that lives here in you, with all its various levels of awareness. 

Taking the time to process your emotions. Taking the time to listen inwardly. Taking the time to reason things out. Taking the time to become aware of yourself, who you really are. These are examples of taking care of your soul.

It seems to me, at times, that my whole job here on earth is caring for my soul. All my relationships enhance and expand this activity. So caring for my soul must be a relationship with my soul. Does it help to call my soul my inner being? That being which is quieter than my emotional thoughts? Become aware of that quieter presence inside. It helps a lot to pay attention to it. 

The American Gulag

 I have been watching the snow melt. I have wanted to use certain bike paths, but some of them still have patches of ice, meaning I fear running on them. But, success will be had in the next day or so.

I watch the bush outside my kitchen window every day. This time of year, of course, it is barren of leaves. The only activity is very small birds which sometimes sit there. Above the bush is the sky. In the sky, various larger birds soar, hawks and geese.

Today, I picked up two thoughts from Alexander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago, Volume 1. 

Page 271, "for mercy one must have wisdom."

Page 280, "if in order to live it is necessary not to live, then what's it all for?"

Stop and think. At first, I could not understand that bit about mercy and wisdom, especially not in the context of the concentration camp. Perhaps it was a joke about the Russian jailers. But in my life, what does it mean? It refers to my personal relationships and having mercy on whoever I seem to resent. Having mercy or having wisdom seems like character traits not used enough today. And there I go, judging the mass consciousness. 

Now, the second quote. What is living? Who is really alive? When I read the second quote, I immediately thought of my career. I left my career in order to be really alive. I didn't want any longer to sit in an office performing meaningless boring tasks. Now I have choices, but it is up to me to consciously choose. What is the most alive way of being available to me right this moment. The right choice is not always an activity but always involves turning on my intellect and engaging in something thoughtful. 

In this instance, I ask fellow Americans, "What is being alive to you?" How are you being? Do you feel enlivened? Even at work, awaken to Life Itself? Even if I am watching snow melt or a barren bush, I need to capture Life. Life must be mine, or what's it all for?

Wanting to Live

A strange new thought occurred to me today. A thought which I believe was the result of spiritual work.

I was on my 30 minute meal break at Starbucks. I was walking to my car to sit and eat. This thought passed through my mind, "I want to relish every minute that I am at Starbucks, not wish that it was over soon." Wow, it was a thought easily expanded to my whole attitude and outlook on life and how my view seems to have transformed.

See, for most of my life, I wondered why was I alive. I mean, what good am I? Why would God make me? Sure, I'm a pretty good person, but there isn't anything "great" about me. I am above average smart yes. I'm in extreme good health, unlike most 60 year olds. I did my career. I've been sober for 33 years. But, I really had no purpose for being alive.

And I spent most of my career wishing it was over. I saved money for the purpose of getting away from my career as soon as possible. And well, I guess I've wanted life to be over as soon as possible too. Everything I ever did with my life was a chore and I wanted it to be over, so I could rest.

So today, when I actually felt how much I could be aware and awake and liking working at Starbucks, I....   woke up!

Wait, I want to be alive for every second of my life from now on. I don't need a purpose. I just want to experience my life. I don't want to just go through the motions, hoping it would be over soon.

I have suddenly dropped the rock of having to have a purpose for my life, or even doing anything good while I am here. I just want to be alive in my own life, to see it, to be awake in it. Not just hope life will quit bothering me soon.

And so I am free.

Ode to Joy

This is a little story of synchronicity, of paying attention to the Universe, of cooperative components coming together. And most of all, appreciating the spiritual entities who can help us accomplish meaningful lives.

I noticed yesterday how a respected 104 year old scientist, David Goodall, had died peacefully listening to "Ode to Joy". I wondered what was so important about that music, by Beethoven, that this highly intelligent and deep person would chose to die to it. But I didn't pursue it at that moment.

Then today, I was on page 201 of Jordan Peterson's book "12 Rules for Life" where it says, "What is meaningful by contrast is the organization of what would otherwise be expedient into a symphony of Being. Meaning is what is put forth more powerfully that mere words can express by Beethoven's "Ode to Joy," a triumphant bringing forth from the void of pattern after pattern upon beautiful pattern, every instrument playing its part, disciplined voices layered on top of that, spanning the entire breadth of human emotion from despair to exhilaration."  I deeply want to feel my life as a symphony of Being.

Suddenly, I had to pull out my phone and ask it to play "Ode to Joy." Well, yes I know this song. But as I listened to it in the context of the 104 year old scientist plus "symphony of Being," I realized my life being lived for the Universe and my gift to the Universe. I felt the truth of the emotion. I felt the symphony of my life and all its ups and downs as a wonderful gift given and gift received.

I wouldn't have felt that depth of my life's worth if I hadn't been paying attention to the clues, the little trail of bread crumbs left by my higher consciousness, my soul or spirit. Feeling high on life is wonderful and seldom felt by me.

I wouldn't mind dying to this magnificent truth either.

Pain

I know I am human today because I felt a common pain. The thing hadn't happened to me but I understood how it felt.

There is a thing happening to many people in our corporation. We are the competent experts who keep the company running; but not given promotional opportunity since clearly our careers are ending. It is like a death to realize you are at the end. Your career has stopped. This is pain.

I talked today to a colleague who just now experienced this problem. I also talked to her about what I am doing in my life. I realized that I am happiest when I discuss having a phase 3 of my life and a new career.

What Makes My Life Worth Living?

I've struggled with this question on and off all my life. Especially after I left monastic life, I wondered, "What good am I?" I didn't get to be Sister ____ OSB, and have the world think I am special. I am a single woman, professional engineer. Nobody's mother. Nobody's wife. Not religious at this point.  All of these are society's measurements of what makes a good person or a worthwhile person. And I have dissed myself over them so much.

Today, I asked myself what made my life worth living today? I remembered the deer that came within 3 feet of me. It is a doe who limps and I've seen her in that park before. Seeing her was worthwhile.

I jog walked slowly for 4 hours today. It felt really good to do low impact. Doing this made my life worth living to me. While I am on my feet for 4 hours, I get to dream of running marathons. Running marathons is a worthwhile activity to me.

While I was jogging, I was thinking about my metaphysical life. I thought about my recent decision to stay in Texas at my current job. So I asked the Universe what was I going to do now? I realized that I need to let the fabric of my mentally controlled view of the world to unravel a bit. You'd have to study metaphysics to know what I am talking about, but it has to do with "I am responsible for the world I see." As I thought about letting the fabric unravel, let go of control, I got a vision of my boss. Suddenly, I thought, "let go of the control," and the fabric of my boss unraveled revealing a hole in the fabric and the bright light was shining beyond it. This vision is a true practice of A Course in Miracles "forgiveness." Forgiveness is looking beyond, undoing. It was astonishing to envision the unraveling of my mental control of the world.

Another thing about this weekend is that I finally made it to Home Depot to buy some paint for my front door. The associate did a great job of helping me because I know nothing about paint. And I was scared of doing the job. But I did do the job today. Now, watching my ordinary consciousness fiddle and be scared by using my higher consciousness is in fact a thing to be aware of. It is a doorway into the fact that I have a higher consciousness and I can be aware of it.

So if I have a higher consciousness, do I have to ask the question of the worth of my life at all? For sure, a higher consciousness just is. There is no measurement of its worth. Exploring consciousness, finding the higher has been a desire of my lower consciousness for decades. To have  worthwhile life, do I need to be great or famous or in a helping profession? My life was worth living to me today. I need to find small worthwhile parts of life each day; and not judge myself as less worthwhile because I work at a corporate job.

Re-imagining the Dream

My last post claimed I'm thinking about leaving my job; leaving the American dream. Then I got my bonus. Adding up all the money I actually make convinced me that continuing to work makes financial sense.

So the real problem with my life is me and my attitudes.

And I have spent 31 years working on said attitudes; but with a major distraction. If only I could be spiritual, float around and never work again. Such a dream landed me in a monastery for 4 years; which cost me about $500,000 in lost wages.

As a result of my current investigation into quitting my job, I realized a couple of things. Yes, work is hard and I'm like most people in not wanting to do it. Spiritual directors say that we should follow our dreams and not work at "jobs". But is working at an engineering job in a chemical plant really killing my soul? If I believe so then yes, it is. If I am consciously going to work with some other attitude, then no. Any emotional problems I have with the people at work are no different than the emotional problems I had with the sisters in the convent. And quitting work altogether would leave me with the same emotional problems.

So the real problem with my life is me and my attitudes.

I have access to attitude improvement. Mostly, it is practicing A Course in Miracles. Keeping in my mind, Course thinking instead of ego thinking is a challenge. Daily opening of the book puts fresh healing cooling balm into my brain.

Another result of this "quitting" investigation is that I seem to have pushed away my 2 spiritual advisers. I need to accept my own choices as the best for me no matter what these so called spiritual advisers say. I am an engineer and I must have chosen that for this life's purpose. I am not a spiritual author; and I won't suddenly become one just because I quit my job. My life is not a worthless life because I work as an engineer.

Yesterday, the bug man came so I don't have bugs in the house. Today, the AC man came to check the AC, so the house is cool. Is having the money to pay for such services so terribly un-spiritual?

Tomorrow, I'm going in a marathon. On Sunday, I'm going in a half marathon. Because of doing the 2 races in a row, I get a special medal. The swag gets hung on a wall with numerous other bits of swag. Am I guilty of a terrible shallowness because I love medals? I love races, even though I come in behind. Does this make me a spiritual loser?

The problem with my life is not my life. It is how I feel about it. And I can change my decisions about what a good life is. I need to drop the rocks.

The Dream can be a dream of inner joy. Joy just is. Joy does not have to be caused. Just think the word Joy, and I feel better instantly.

The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother's womb because I knew that this life's journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn't born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn't born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, "Okay God. I'll do it."

When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, "I am the bread of life." He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 

Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.

Christmas in the World

I sit here in my quiet abode. At 8:30 am, I hear a fire engine. I realize I'll be hearing that siren for several hours. Annually, the city sends round the fire truck with Santa. This takes all morning.

I woke up pondering  quandary. I don't participate in Christmas because I am in ethical disagreement with the activities. This year, the last department meeting is combined with a Christmas party. Do I incur disapproval by not going? Do I go and be a good girl.

I close my eyes. Shakespeare crosses my mind,"To thine own self be true." Sanskrit crosses my mind, "Namaste." In the prayerful darkness beyond my eye balls, I bow before the Son of God and His magnificence. Not Jesus, but Life Itself extended from God and residing in us. This Life is our true self and true identity.

I don't know whether I'll go to the party. I will bow down. It is the only way for me to do life.

Now, to Brummerhop park for laps.

Here is  a bonus treat for today, a quote from Merton:

"The world of men has forgotten the joys of silence, the peace of solitude which is necessary, to some extent, for the fullness of human living. Not all men are called to be hermits, but all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally. When that inner voice is not heard, when man cannot attain to the spiritual peace that comes from being perfectly at one with his own true self, his life is always miserable and exhausting. For he cannot go on happily for long unless he is in contact with the springs of spiritual life which are hidden in the depths of his own soul. If man is constantly exiled from his own home, locked out of his own spiritual solitude, he ceases to be a true person. He no longer lives as a man. He becomes a kind of automaton, living without joy because he has lost his spontaneity. He is no longer moved from within, but only from outside himself."

On Life

I spend much time wondering why I am alive. When I observe others, they seem to have responsibilities or purposes or accomplishments which point to their reasons for living. My seeming lack of success is paired with my general feelings of competitiveness, and the friction of not wanting to play the corporate get ahead games at work.

Reading Plotinus on Essence.

There came on integration. I have the life force within me. What I have thought of as competitiveness is really the life force which cannot be contained. Ever notice how a weed will break through concrete? The life in me cannot be contained. Instead of fear and anger at others, just see the life force.

While running, I thought about the Course in Miracles teaching that this world originates from a tiny mad idea. And the Genesis creation mythology about Adam and Eve. I decided that in order to know The Good, you must not believe you are bad. As long as I think I am bad, then the life force will seem evil. this seeming evil is what we call ego. Ego is just the life force either misdirected or misperceived.

I don't need to be alive for a reason. I am simply life itself. My most recent running mantra is built on Plotinus: One, Being, Soul, Now.  These are emanations. I am Now. Life is now.

Is there a God to pray to? Is there a Love to surrender to? These are questions not to be answered. And please stop reading books and memorizing answers. Or going to church and following some authority figure.

Let go of human badness. See only life. this is both a contemplation of Essence and a looking beyond this world.

Winding Down

I am a big fan of the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race 3100 Mile Race. It takes place over 52 days. Today is day 47. 4 people have finished.

I love to check every day to see how many miles people ran and read the inspiration in the blog. I send my mind off into mental running and run forever. This year, I had some days off in July, so I got to do actual miles myself. I went way farther in July than any month ever in my life.

But the race is winding down. 4 more people to finish in the next few days. I won't have that inspiration when the race is over.

I am a person who is continuously thinking about my life and what it is for. I keep trying to eliminate busyness so I can ponder my depths. I can't say I ever find anything. But also, I keep turning outward into the world and being busy with stuff out there. My ego keeps trying to win at something in the world; like career advancement or signing up for races.

My ego will never know God. My ego is a spiritual materialist.

But I. Am I more than an ego? Despite my reading to the contrary, I believe I am more than a small self but a soul or higher connected being. I believe there is an unsuspected inner resource. Something more.

The thing is: I know I am making progress but my ego doesn't know.

I am more than 55 years old. I won't be leaving a legacy as I was taught 20 years ago in corporate seminars. I have a great job and where I live is nice too. But as the days pass, these things don't satisfy. My ego wants more. But there is no more.

The answer has to be inside. That is just all there is to it.

Character Passion Life

Sherpa John had these on his blog:

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." ~John Wooden

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself." ~Walter Anderson

 Yesterday I was invited to coffee with the big boss, along with several others in my area. The boss said, "If you are not passionate about what you do then get lost. Get out of here." Interestingly frank way of saying that. I know that I am damn good at what I do. I'm the best in the company at facilitating HAZOPs. But am I passionate? I can't say yes because if I had health care, I'd retire. I like what I do and I'm good at it.period. Passion is a modern buzz word for an unrealistic expectation of how you should feel about work.

Then the next question is, am I passionate about anything? I love endorphins. I love finishing races. I love finishing my weight workouts. I love hearing people talk at AA meetings. I love small moments of clarity while I am studying spirituality. I love my Prius.

But my passion for career or spiritual achievement does seem to have been beaten down by years of small results. I mean I had a goal of God. I have steadily gained in inner peace during my years of spiritual work. But I can't say I got the brass ring. Most people think I am passionate about spirituality. I myself feel very subdued about it.

I am not passionate about logistics. But every event of my life has logistics. This ruins almost everything. I spend too much time planning travel routes and means of avoiding crowds or waiting, and not any time enjoying the moment.

I am in perpetual sadness over logistics. My character is determination and steady forward progress. Love is when I sit quietly with no stress. The sweet spot in each day is when I get over the inertia and begin to exercise. Once I get going, it takes about 15 minutes to warm up and feel good. If I was ever to appreciate life itself as a gift, then it is during exercise when I feel good about it all.

If you think by now that I go through life half depressed, you are right. I should take drugs if I want to get a higher happiness quotient. But that is not my plan, so I more or less spend most of my time in survival mode. That might sound sad. I suppose it is. But trying for more is to buy into society's psychobabble about how we should be passionate, translated as happy and energetic, all.the.time.

Happiness occurs when I sit quietly and let the world go. Being happy with quietness is a skill that can be learned and doesn't depend on any outside circumstances of expectations. This happiness with quiet is true connection this the God concept, or Spirit, or what ever you want to call life itself. Life Itself.

The Nature of Things

1. Almost all stories and teachings that I have read about how to connect with God require an altered state of consciousness. That is: meditation, adoration, drugs, brain injury, fasting, long distance running, isolation and silence.

2. Sometimes God comes as a spontaneous gift of revelation. Nothing can be done to make this happen.

So, the normal waking awareness is not enough for divine Union. At least, that's what we all believe. I personally think that divine union experienced as a result of one of the items in #1 above are yielding a false god; more likely just brain chemistry in action. God is really dopamine.

3. My main fear is of other people.

I live in a totally man made environment. There is very little about nature in my daily life. All of my daily challenges come from encounters with others. Most people don't like to identify this fact so clearly or admit that fear of others is the main driving force.

I've spent my adult life chasing God. I've claimed that the use of spiritual practices has made me a person of great inner calm. At this point in my life, I have rejected the dopamine God.

I am alive and very emotionally stable; but I have no actual purpose for being alive. Unless you say that faith in the eventual spontaneous coming of Revelation is what I am living for, then I don't have a purpose.

If I see my purposelessness as a horrible thing, very sad, then no wonder I try desperately to find a purpose in serving God. It seems ridiculous that a human race would exist with consciousness but utterly no higher reason for being alive. So, yes we are driven to find the higher. We can't stand being nothing. (Especially Americans).

Should I go participate in public service so that I can feel good about my existence? haha, no I'll just go consume some more.

Life vs Living

Life and Living are two different concepts. I thought about this while on my treadmill this morning.

Life or Life Itself is an abstract concept. We can imagine a pure energy which seems to create living things and even animate us with consciousness. Many of us humans never think about this except to think that Life is God. Maybe it is; but not in the Biblical sense or religious sense.

But living is the daily process of getting out of bed, looking after our survival needs and, hopefully, finding some joy along the way. Many of us humans hate living.

My point is that I can return my thinking to life itself, assume a quiet mental stance, and then living doesn't seem so bad.

In my opinion, the only reason we have religion, philosophy, psychology, history, etc. is to find a way out of the horrible process of living, or at least explain its difficulties.

If it is an illusion created by me, then I can change it.

Returning to life itself means letting go of my thoughts about living, or at least lowering their priority and believability.

It is the last day of January. I've had a fantastic fitness month. I completed 90 min this morning, with more to come later. But here is my graph so far:

So fantastic. It is not really for health. It is something beyond that. But I am not sure what.

Lesson 220-224 in A Course in Miracles:
Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still.
God is with me. I live and move in Him.
God is my life. I have no life but His.
God is my Father, and He loves His Son.

Re-group

Last night, in the Charlotte airport on my way home from Germany, I saw a young female sailor in her whites with a big back pack and carrying her cap. I felt a slight swelling of tears. That was my wish a long time ago: to be in the military. I stood at the recruiting table in college and yearned; but back then, women didn't get to do anything interesting. I wanted the uniform and the way of life. I couldn't have it.

The same thing happened when I stood at the doors of The Church. I realized that within those doors was a mysterious religion governed by men. I couldn't go in. I went and became an Episcopalian. I eventually breached The Church and even entered a convent and went to school at a seminary. But in the final analysis when I decided to walk away, the all male hierarchy was something I couldn't devote my life to.

The customs agent was making small talk with me as she checked my passport last night. She wanted to know what I did. I proudly said I was an engineer. She seemed to perk up and wanted to know what kind. I even more proudly said I was a Process Safety Engineer.

So, I got home without any problems last night. I slept ok but got up at 6 am. I have been drinking tea and reading A Course in Miracles Text: The laws of chaos, chapter 23.II. I am doing laundry and I am dressed in running clothes. I reflect on my life as it continues on. I realize that Germany was good for my career, but not a dopamine reward experience. And then a breakthrough thought....

My convent life was really about leaving the world physically. A Course in Miracles is about leaving the world in your mind; because you learn it is an illusion. So, I have been on an intentional journey away from dopamine rewards (ego) and the result is that the world means nothing. Again I decide today that only God consciousness means anything to me today.

And so a person gets out of bed in the morning. I look forward to a practice of God consciousness and the ACIM practice of looking beyond. And whatever else, training or working, is not the focus. The focus can only be God.

The young woman in the sailor suit? I hope she gets her dreams. and I know that my dreams were yearning for Something. I now define Something as God consciousness. God is all I want.

Again

I have been in Texas a little over 10 months. Just today (Saturday) I realized: my past is over. There may be people in Missouri, Kansas or California who remember me. I work for the same company as when I was last in Kansas City. But I am here now. I am in Texas.

I am not plagued with the quest for enlightenment which drove me both into the convent and out of it; and drove the first 8 years of post monastic life. Enlightenment as a quest is part of the mental programming I somehow received.

Here is Texas, I am free to decide "whatever." I don't have to seek God.

This morning (Saturday) I had an unusual thought: start the day from a projection of what I want; not a material want but a way of being.

So it is Sunday morning and I am about to head out for my usual long distance walk. I'll use trees today as I slept in and it is hot outside.

But I had a genuine moment of clarity. Life is easy. It is only hard if you see it that way. I have a picture of a chemical plant on this blog for a reason. I like it there. I like my colleagues. I accept a successful career, fitness endeavor, economic outlook. None of this has to be corrupted with religious teachings or even the idea that the other people are bad.

And so, if I accept success, I don't have anything to preach about or a soap box to stand on. And so I am free. Free to do miles. Free to be alive.

I am just a girl with a blog. Nothing special.

ORW - Prelude

I'm getting ready to go to Ottawa Canada to run a half marathon. Tomorrow, Saturday, I fly. I'll be met at the airport by a running maniac friend and we will zip into town in time to watch the evening races. I'll be meeting some new people and cheering them in their 10k. On Sunday, I run a half marathon at easy pace with a new internet friend.

Today, Friday, I took a day off work. I slept for 11 hours! And then, after running errands, and after the Houston weather had got to 85F, I went for a 2 hour jog. Yes, I can run in heat and humidity.

Now I have done some packing and eating and soon will do the evening workout.

I marvel at the status of my life. There are so many places where a path had to be chosen and radically different outcomes ensued. I could've stayed in California instead of moving to Missouri. I could've stayed a drunk rather than get sober. I could've skipped the monastery. I could've skipped Texas. I could've got fat and sick. I could've stayed a Catholic, or become a Buddhist.

Have I learned anything? I have learned peace; even in the midst of a busy city existence. I have to find the secret of the desert monks in the midst of cars, airports and a huge chempark.

I find this existence in my living room as I ride my elliptical. I find it in the tiny park across the street where one lap in 0.28 miles but trees provide shade. At the back of the park is a swamp. Birds with long legs find their lunch. Snakes perch on fallen logs.

In the desert, I find Christ within. I find love in all the other people I meet. I find that deep well of the Hidden Christ in the silence within.

Growing a Year

I have a persistent notion that if I could just go far enough or long enough or quietly enough, I could find God consciousness.

And so every month and year, I build this chart. The blue is the hours of workout. The red is miles. I have internal measurements which I strive for.

One reason I don't taper for races (and consequently hardly ever "race") is that the taper reduces the hours and miles. I'd rather have 80 hours and 250 miles a month  than a fast race time.

Day by day, slowly but surely, each month is formed, grown and then past. Another month starts.

This exercise is actually pointless. It is just something I like to do. Like endurance runs, who cares but me.

I do not understand life at all. I've sought for spiritual depth. When I was young, I tried to find a husband. I spent most of my career saying I don't want to live in Houston. But I really like it here. This week, I spent some time on top of one of our units. I could see miles and miles of chemical plants. I love this sight.

This morning, I wanted to give my feet a break from running on concrete. So I did my workout indoors on my ex-machines. I had a great time. I had ear plugs in my ears and I turned my thoughts to A Course in Miracles. I could shut my eyes some of the time. The Versa Climber is especially a great machine for working the body endlessly.

I don't have to find God consciousness. It is quietly there all the time. I just remember it.

Why Be Alive

This morning, I had a new thought decision. I've decided I no longer will say "I don't want to be alive" or "I'm not here for any particular purpose"; I've decided to choose why I will live. I am free in that regard.

See, my whole life, I've compared myself to others and seen them doing much more worthy things. Or they had religious validation. Or they were more enlightened. Or they were part of families and caring for others. It is true that I have no particular place in society and no one else cares if I am here or not. If I disappeared, hardly anyone would notice. I interpreted this situation as meaning that I don't need to be alive and have no reason to be here.

This is not correct and it has been corrected. My purpose in life happens to be more abstract than others. I have the gift of life; but I happen to believe that the biggest part of that gift is not in this world. I've decided to stop trashing the gift, accept it and choose to move forward with it.

Did I tell you? I just started reading the Course in Miracles Text for the 8th time since July of 2007. I always find new things I missed before. My goal is to read very slowly and savor each thing said.

Here is a map of my next race:

I will be running a 50k (31 miles) along an old railroad bed across the southern Missouri countryside. I'll probably take about 7 hours to do it. It is a small race; a few compatriots going 50k or 50 miles. It is nothing like Boston. And here is where my philosophy departs from this world into the abstract.

I have qualified for Boston but never entered. I could have been there this year. I look at the thousands of people and know it is one of the last places I'd ever want to be. And with my attitude, I realize that Boston is just a media hype. Without the marketing and media, it would just be another big city marathon.

I've run marathons and longer races under hot and humid conditions . I don't know why everyone is crying so bad about how hot Boston was. It didn't crack 90F for instance.

Un-escapables
Non-negotiables
Persistent Practices
Sacred Ground

These are areas of my life, pieces of which I am made. I must work for a living. I'm good at what I do and well paid. I must study spiritual books and practice inner listening. I must be an athlete because it exercises character traits I wouldn't otherwise have. I absolutely will not eat meat or drink alcohol for spiritual reasons.

I am made of endurance, perseverance, hope, love, care.

I want to do more with my life; but not kill myself. I have no career ambition other than making money. I've reached the edge of running. I can't do any more. I'm in a spiritual desert; beyond where emotions influence my belief in God. I don't at all want to join ordinary society. So I don't know what "something more" is. I can't plan it. I can only pray for it.