Consciousness and Insanity

From A Course in Miracles, Manual for Teachers 4: "They are sure they are beloved and must be safe. Joy goes with gentleness as surely as grief attends attack. God’s teachers trust in Him. And they are sure His Teacher goes before them, making sure no harm can come to them. They hold His gifts and follow in His way, because God’s Voice directs them in all things. Joy is their song of thanks. And Christ looks down on them in thanks as well. His need of them is just as great as theirs of Him."

Expressed there is what most of us want: safety and being needed. Most of us also add ambition to the formula. Thus ensues competition and attack. Or maybe the men also compete for a woman.

I like the idea of joy being a song of gratitude, I can make that choice right now. Gratitude for the sense of Presence and willingness to turn to Spirit for mental and emotional comfort right now.

I slept late today. It is cooler in Texas now so getting up early for running is not so important. My first thoughts were on how easy it is to forget God. In my world at the moment is a tremendous amount of mental flak related to the split in my company and the uncertainty of where I'll be assigned. But none of that matters if I am employed by God and only here to serve Him.

But honestly, I am not that evolved. Fear producing hatred permeates my brain. My mind is aware of this. In awareness and consciousness, I can direct my thinking. Yes, it is a discipline and an effort to remain in observance. But just letting my thoughts spiral out of control is terrible. First awareness of my thoughts which separates me from them. In my choice, I also employ whatever is a higher consciousness (God, Spirit, Jesus) and ask Him to direct my thinking. And usually some peaceful thought comes along, some thought of trust and reliance on God. And then I am fine. 

This spiritual way of life is pie in the sky for many. Without it, I am hopelessly insane and probably would not be sober.

The Nature of Things

1. Almost all stories and teachings that I have read about how to connect with God require an altered state of consciousness. That is: meditation, adoration, drugs, brain injury, fasting, long distance running, isolation and silence.

2. Sometimes God comes as a spontaneous gift of revelation. Nothing can be done to make this happen.

So, the normal waking awareness is not enough for divine Union. At least, that's what we all believe. I personally think that divine union experienced as a result of one of the items in #1 above are yielding a false god; more likely just brain chemistry in action. God is really dopamine.

3. My main fear is of other people.

I live in a totally man made environment. There is very little about nature in my daily life. All of my daily challenges come from encounters with others. Most people don't like to identify this fact so clearly or admit that fear of others is the main driving force.

I've spent my adult life chasing God. I've claimed that the use of spiritual practices has made me a person of great inner calm. At this point in my life, I have rejected the dopamine God.

I am alive and very emotionally stable; but I have no actual purpose for being alive. Unless you say that faith in the eventual spontaneous coming of Revelation is what I am living for, then I don't have a purpose.

If I see my purposelessness as a horrible thing, very sad, then no wonder I try desperately to find a purpose in serving God. It seems ridiculous that a human race would exist with consciousness but utterly no higher reason for being alive. So, yes we are driven to find the higher. We can't stand being nothing. (Especially Americans).

Should I go participate in public service so that I can feel good about my existence? haha, no I'll just go consume some more.

The Secret Dream

Chapter 27 of A Course in Miracles (excerpt):   "...The dreaming of the world is but a part of your own dream you gave away, and saw as if it were its start and ending, both. Yet was it started by your secret dream, which you do not perceive although it caused the part you see and do not doubt is real....A brother separated from yourself, an ancient enemy, a murderer who stalks you in the night and plots your death, yet plans that it be lingering and slow; of this you dream. Yet underneath this dream is yet another, in which you become the murderer, the secret enemy, the scavenger and the destroyer of your brother and the world alike. Here is the cause of suffering, the space between your little dreams and your reality. The little gap you do not even see, the birthplace of illusions and of fear, the time of terror and of ancient hate, the instant of disaster, all are here. Here is the cause of unreality....You are the dreamer of the world of dreams...Accept the dream He gave instead of yours..."

Gruesome eh?

Today, as I was running, I was pondering some phrases from this chapter. I spend time in solitude. Which means that my inner most thoughts come to my consciousness in stark visibility. A Course in Miracles explains that no one is guilty, but dreaming a dream of guilt. I hadn't seen it before, but this time, of numerous readings of the Text, I noticed that bit about the secret dream underneath the dream of the world. And as I ran, I felt the secret dream. The guilt was attacking me for not being perfect enough, or being afraid of what others think of me, or.....yadda yadda. I am always guilty in my world dream and in my secret dream.

So, in  A Course in Miracles, you bring this fear and guilt to the Holy Spirit Who "un-does" it. See, it never existed except in my dreams. And, the Holy Spirit can awaken me from my terror dreams to happy dreams to full awakening from dreams.

And you see, that leaves me with my belief and faith in such a thing as a Holy Spirit, or a Higher Power, or Something More than just my ego consciousness and the world I see.

How do I know there is a Holy Spirit? I have no proof. There is an explanation for this in A Course in Miracles. But right now today, I need help with guilt feelings for not being super woman, or "engaged with the guys at work woman". Over and over each day in this world, I feel guilty for some shortcoming. Every day I don't measure up. And I feel guilty and I fear what the others think.

In my solitude, I face this reality. My prayer goes to the Holy Spirit. My prayer is thoughts from this Course which negate the guilt and fear. And, yes, I forget the guilt and fear until the next time. This seems to be my life's work: practicing the Course over and over each day.

The 3 Agreements

Many of my peers (new age yuppies, tail end of the baby boom) have read "The Four Agreements." These seemed like wisdom when I read them.

Recently, my spiritual journey with Jesus and A Course in Miracles, has lead me to understand that there are 3 agreements which I can break. They are the secret vows that everyone of us makes with the separation concept.

I have broken my agreements with: fear, hatred and guilt. I no longer believe these are true and I am no longer totally vulnerable to them. I don't believe the ego's lies without question. I think I must have accepted Atonement somewhere along the line. I am/have forgiven myself. So I do not have to go along with any agreement to hate anybody, be afraid of others or feel guilty for my dream.

In this, the pain disappears and the Son of God is free. I walk with the living Christ instead.

Today I am on Lesson 287: You are my goal my Father, only You.

Who would have thought when I got kicked out of a monastery that I'd go on to a greater Communion?

I am getting ready for a 50k race next weekend. So, I'm going a bit easy on myself so I'll be ready. I'm feeling competitive. At the same time, the 10 day Self Transcendence Race is underway in Flushing Meadows, NY. I also truly year for endless time on the trail. My body cannot do 50 miles a day for days in a row, so the Self Transcendence race is out of the question.

But I still go for hours as suits me. Even walking uphill on the treadmill fills my need for endurance. Endurance activities are merely a dream of eternity, where I truly am. Accepting Atonement, the dream is undone and I live in eternity.

The Task- Approval

I've heard it so often, "You shouldn't care what other people think." And logically, I agree; but that doesn't stop my fears from rising and ego thoughts going crazy whenever I do something against the authorities in my life.

This one lesson, trust Soul, could be the most important lesson of my life.

I frequently go against the grain of society. When it happens at work, I have a ton of emotional stress. Stepping outside the box at work is so frightening. Spiritually speaking, its rubber meeting the road: do I practice metaphysics or do I believe and react to the fear. Do I allow fear to define the boundaries of my life or not?

To thine own self be true, or thou canst be true to no man.

I was asked to be the head of a charitable fund raising campaign at work. This sucker is a big deal and it speaks well for my reputation that I was asked to be in charge. But I have secretly hated that charitable organization for my entire 30 year career, and the annual corporate arm twisting to give so the corporation can meet its goal.

I would do a horrible job. I can't take on a task I don't believe in just to further my career. So I said no. Saying no is the wrong answer in relation to corporate politics and the future of potential advancement. I shot myself in the foot in this regard.

Spiritually speaking, I need to learn that this world is an illusion and I can't be hurt by anything. In terms of ego deflation, it is very hard to go against my ego's rule of pleasing authorities. I have decided to stop living in fear. But that means I need to learn the lessons I've asked for in order to end the fearful life.

To thine own self be true, or thou canst be true to no man.

The principles of metaphysics which I am trying to learn often put me at odds with ordinary society. And I am afraid to be found out by the people of the world. My decision to be a scholar and an athlete puts me at odds with career advancement because the corporation does not get first place in my life. And, boy do I feel fear over these things. But I need to be able to stand my ground. Fear is not real. Fear is a brain chemistry function, not truth. My perception and interpretation for why I think I should be afraid isn't truth. I need to be able to stand in my truth.

This is so hard for me.

The Limits of My Emotions

Yesterday, I realized that I reached a hard edge to what I am able to handle. It is the first time I've ever reached this consciously. It has happened unconsciously before. That is, I didn't realize what was happening; I just reacted.

So when I consciously made the connection, I thought, "my emotional make up simply cannot tolerate THIS." So, I can decide to stop, realize I have a character shortcoming and leave it alone. I am like a person without a leg, only it is a mental flaw. Will power won't stop my emotions from controlling me.

The only way to change is to offer it up to my soul for healing. Again, this must be done consciously and specifically.

This character flow is related to trust in certain situations. The facts of the matter have little bearing on my emotional reaction or the barrage of thoughts which spring up to stress me out. I can see the fear; but there is nothing I can do about it. I also can't deny it. Fear controls me.

In fact, this situation has been eye opening. Like, wow, I really am controlled by fear and my life has been shaped to avoid certain things because they are just too overwhelming emotionally.

How humbling it is to admit this about myself honestly.

My Vow to Atonement

Jesus is in charge of the Atonement (1.III.1)

My Vow to Atonement

1. If I am afraid, I am deceived.
2. His peace cannot be shaken. I am healed.
3. This is The Truth and my commitment.

My background thinking:

A Course in Miracles is filled with words which have been redefined in the attempt to correct our thinking. Like: miracle, Atonement, forgiveness, ego, salvation, body, world, sickness and healing. I have read the course 6 times and completed the workbook 3, but am still trying to understand and purposefully use the concepts. Undoing 50 years worth of worldly programming takes me time. It doesn’t take God any time, but a sudden rearrangement might scare me so Jesus is working slowly.

Miracle principle 25: "Miracles are part of an interlocking chain of forgiveness which, when completed, is the Atonement."

The meaning of Jesus is corrected by the Course. The early church, mainly after 200 ac, interpreted Jesus and his teachings incorrectly.

There are no vows to be taken in the Course; but you are asked to make choices. Throughout the course, there are many emphatic statements: just remember this one thing, just do this, your only purpose is this, etc. I believe that each of these emphatic statements are saying the same thing but in different words. The feeling of the idea in my gut is the same for each one. The feeling is a deep and insistent yearning for connection to the Love behind each of the statements. The real meaning is: I am in Love, always have been, always will be, only rely on This Love, It gives me peace and safety.

In chapter 19D, The Fear of God, the text discusses the secret vow made to the ego never to lift the veil of fear which we made to hide the face of Christ, and ultimately God. The ego is afraid of God. This secret vow needs to be uncovered and brought into the light. Hence my idea that a counter vow, used all the time but especially when I am afraid, is beneficial for returning my awareness of my existence to God.

My reflection:

OK, so I was studying in Chapter 2 and learning about the Atonement. The simplest meaning is that the Atonement undoes our incorrect thinking. There are many more facets to the term. The Atonement is/was an act of love, given so that we could defend our minds against incorrect thinking. Use of the defense against the ego’s thought system relieves fear and opens the mind to the inner light, the Holy Spirit’s thought system and we rejoin the truth of our existence solely in the heart of God. “The Atonement is a total commitment” (2.II.7). From my life as a nun, I understand commitment and vow to be related. The vow is a statement of the commitment.

OK, so my head is filled with new synapses, corrected thoughts. Musing on everything said in chapter 2 about the Atonement, the body, fear etc, and laying in bed last night wondering if I was getting a sore throat, I realized that I was afraid and decided to use the Course to relieve my fear and stop the process of getting sick. I looked again at chapter 2 and my mind pieced together, in my own words, the entire meaning of the Course, its entire learning and usefulness and what I am committed to. I’m calling this my Vow to Atonement. It is a litany I can play in my head to keep me “on course” all day, safe in the heart of God no matter what appears to be happening (so called good or bad). The world is an illusion. I am really an idea in the Mind of God. My body is part of my experience in the dream of this world, but its purpose is as a learning device. It does not have a mind of its own and nothing happens in the world which is real.

2.I.1: "All fear is ultimately reducible to the basic misperception that you have the ability to usurp the power of God. Of course, you neither can nor have been able to do this. Here is the real basis for your escape from fear. The escape is brought about by your acceptance of the Atonement, which enables you to realize that your errors never really occurred. "

So here is my Vow of Atonement:

1. If I am afraid, I am deceived.
2. His peace cannot be shaken. I am healed.
3. This is The Truth and my commitment.

Fear is my agreement to believe the ego’s proposition that I am separate from God and in a world which will hurt me. This thought is not true. What is true is that I have been given the peace of God, which is truly a rock. Knowing God’s peace is in me, fear leaves and my mind is healed. This is The Atonement. This is the Truth and I am committed to the Truth.

Conclusion:
The key core principle that any human must adopt and cling to at all times is reliance on God, not self. This returns the mind to the heart of God and heals the mind of fear. Living in love instead of fear, I project love and deny the ego's hate filled world.

The Morning after the Miracle

A. I have been listening to a series of classes on the 50 miracles principles (see below) which was focusing on the miracle as an expression of love (1) and as natural (6). It was enlarging the definition beyond the standard course definition of a miracle as a perception shift. The definition of a miracle in ACIM has always been different than what the world thinks a miracle is (think parting of the Red Sea). But as a course student, I have always believed that I have not achieved the ability to do miracles.

B. Yesterday (Friday) I had started re-reading the ACIM text for the seventh time. The 50 miracles principles are the very first thing. So I had been praying for understanding yesterday morning.

C. During the day, I had these encounters:
- Very early in the morning, I had stopped to chit chat and tease a grumpy old mechanical engineer.
- I had spent 2 hours during the day working together with a grumpy old electrical engineer.
- I had left my ivory tower office and gone to the basement in order to see the company trainer. I wanted her to know I had accepted her apology for something. I did require prayer on my part to do this. I supposed it wasn’t mandatory and almost skipped it for now, but the trainer was very happy to know she was off the hook.
- At Target, I told a lady to go in front of me in the check out line.

D. And then, bota-bing, standing there in line, I realized I had been doing miracles that day. I knew that I had been naturally doing expressions of love (miracles). Part of this revelation was related to the fact that I often let others go first in lines, but had never accounted that as a miracle.

E. This morning, I was again reading the 50 miracles principles. I realized that they had come into my being:
- I believe in miracles now that I think of them as expressions of love; and not fantastic things and not a sudden land slide of money. I am free of my vague “Marianne Williamson” type definition of miracles.
- I don’t think of miracles as a special privilege from God (7). How many of us have been to Christian revivals and believe that only specially gifted people can do miracles? I am free from the belief that on Moses sized occurrences are miracles.
- We devalue small expressions of love (1).
- We don’t know that all love comes from God and that our true purpose is to be channels of that love (2).
- (9) I had experienced giving love and feeling more love as a result.
- (15) I believed I had used time effectively; and could envision a life focused on expressions of love as all I did each day.
- (26) I had experienced a few moments when my fear was undone. That is, I forgot my fear and approached people with love. I could envision a life free of fear.
- (27) I felt like doing expressions of love was somehow a result of the course, hence I must have the privilege of the forgiven. I believe I am forgiven and so are you.
- (18) I felt like I had honored the other people’s worth.
- (31) I felt like I had honored the other people’s holiness.
- (33) Being free from fear and freely expressing love, I was free from the ego imprisonment of this world. How much do our small egos force us into hold-back-gear and secretly cling to fear?

SO, conclusion: I know what a miracle is and I believe I can do that. I am a miracle worker. I see that my other fears will fall.

My spiritual life is no longer about personal enlightenment, but love. Oh, how grateful I am to Jesus for that shift!

For reference, here are the 50 miracles principles:

1 There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not “harder” or “bigger” than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal.
2 Miracles as such do not matter. The only thing that matters is their Source, which is far beyond evaluation.
3 Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
4 All miracles mean life, and God is the Giver of life. His Voice will direct you very specifically. You will be told all you need to know.
5 Miracles are habits, and should be involuntary. They should not be under conscious control. Consciously selected miracles can be misguided.
6 Miracles are natural. When they do not occur something has gone wrong.
7 Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.
8 Miracles are healing because they supply a lack; they are performed by those who temporarily have more for those who temporarily have less.
9 Miracles are a kind of exchange. Like all expressions of love, which are always miraculous in the true sense, the exchange reverses the physical laws. They bring more love both to the giver and the receiver.
10 The use of miracles as spectacles to induce belief is a misunderstanding of their purpose.
11 Prayer is the medium of miracles. It is a means of communication of the created with the Creator. Through prayer love is received, and through miracles love is expressed.
12 Miracles are thoughts. Thoughts can represent the lower or bodily level of experience, or the higher or spiritual level of experience. One makes the physical, and the other creates the spiritual.
13 Miracles are both beginnings and endings, and so they alter the temporal order. They are always affirmations of rebirth, which seem to go back but really go forward. They undo the past in the present, and thus release the future.
14 Miracles bear witness to truth. They are convincing because they arise from conviction. Without conviction they deteriorate into magic, which is mindless and therefore destructive; or rather, the uncreative use of mind.
15 Each day should be devoted to miracles. The purpose of time is to enable you to learn how to use time constructively. It is thus a teaching device and a means to an end. Time will cease when it is no longer useful in facilitating learning.
16 Miracles are teaching devices for demonstrating it is as blessed to give as to receive. They simultaneously increase the strength of the giver and supply strength to the receiver.
17 Miracles transcend the body. They are sudden shifts into invisibility, away from the bodily level. That is why they heal.
18 A miracle is a service. It is the maximal service you can render to another. It is a way of loving your neighbour as yourself. You recognize your own and your neighbor’s worth simultaneously.
19 Miracles make minds one in God. They depend on co-operation, because the Sonship is the sum of all that God created. Miracles therefore reflect the laws of eternity, not of time.
20 Miracles reawaken the awareness that the spirit, not the body, is the altar of truth. This is the recognition that leads to the healing power of the miracle.
21 Miracles are natural signs of forgiveness. Through miracles you accept God’s forgiveness by extending it to others.
22 Miracles are associated with fear only because of the belief that darkness can hide. You believe that what your physical eyes cannot see does not exist. This leads to a denial of spiritual sight.
23 Miracles rearrange perception and place all levels in true perspective. This is healing because sickness comes from confusing the levels.
24 Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead because you made sickness and death yourself, and can therefore abolish both. You are a miracle, capable of creating in the likeness of your Creator. Everything else is your own nightmare, and does not exist. Only the creations of light are real.
25 Miracles are part of an interlocking chain of forgiveness which, when completed, is the Atonement. Atonement works all the time and in all the dimensions of time.
26 Miracles represent freedom from fear. “Atoning” means “undoing.” The undoing of fear is an essential part of the atonement value of miracles.
27 A miracle is a universal blessing from God through me to all my brothers. It is the privilege of the forgiven to forgive.
28 Miracles are a way of earning release from fear. Revelation induces a state in which fear has already been abolished. Miracles are thus a means and revelation is an end.
29 Miracles praise God through you. They praise Him by honoring His creations, affirming their perfection. They heal because they deny body-identification and affirm spirit-identification.
30 By recognizing spirit, miracles adjust the levels of perception and show them in proper alignment. This places spirit at the center, where it can communicate directly.
31 Miracles should inspire gratitude, not awe. You should thank God for what you really are. The children of God are holy and the miracle honors their holiness, which can be hidden but never lost.
32 I inspire all miracles, which are really intercessions. They intercede for your holiness and make your perceptions holy. By placing you beyond the physical laws they raise you into the sphere of celestial order. In this order you are perfect.
33 Miracles honor you because you are loveable. They dispel illusions about yourself and perceive the light in you. They thus atone for your errors by freeing you from your nightmares. By releasing your mind from the imprisonment of your illusions, they restore your sanity.
34 Miracles restore the mind to its fullness. By atoning for lack they establish perfect protection. The spirit’s strength leaves no room for intrusions.
35 Miracles are expressions of love, but they may not always have observable effects.
36 Miracles are examples of right thinking, aligning your perceptions with truth as God created it.
37 A miracle is a correction introduced into false thinking by me. It acts as a catalyst, breaking up erroneous perception and reorganizing it properly. This places you under the Atonement principle, where perception is healed. Until this has occurred, knowledge of the Divine Order is impossible.
38 The Holy Spirit is the mechanism of miracles. He recognizes both God’s creations and your illusions. He separates the true from the false by His ability to perceive totally rather than selectively.
39 The miracle dissolves error because the Holy Spirit identifies error as false or unreal. This is the same as saying that by perceiving light, darkness automatically disappears.
40 The miracle acknowledges everyone as your brother and mine. It is a way of perceiving the universal mark of God.
41 Wholeness is the perceptual content of miracles. They thus correct, or atone for, the faulty perception of lack.
42 A major contribution of miracles is their strength in releasing you from your false sense of isolation, deprivation and lack.
43 Miracles arise from a miraculous state of mind, or a state of miracle-readiness.
44 The miracle is an expression of an inner awareness of Christ and acceptance of His Atonement.
45 A miracle is never lost. It may touch many people you have not even met, and produce undreamed of changes in situations of which you are not even aware.
46 The Holy Spirit is the highest communication medium. Miracles do not involve this type of communication, because they are temporary communication devices. When you return to your original form of communication with God by direct revelation, the need for miracles is over.
47 The miracle is a learning device that lessens the need for time. It establishes an out-of-pattern time interval not under the usual laws of time. In this sense it is timeless.
48 The miracle is the only device at your immediate disposal for controlling time. Only revelation transcends it, having nothing to do with time at all.
49 The miracle makes no distinction among degrees of misperception. It is a device for perception correction, effective quite apart from either the degree or the direction of the error. This is its true indiscriminateness.
50 The miracle compares what you have made with creation, accepting what is in accord with it as true, and rejecting what is out of accord as false.

Identities

At issue: identities.

Yesterday, I was visiting with the lady who did my taxes this year. I picked her because I know she is experienced and knows what she is doing. I worked as a preparer in the same office for one year and that is how I met her. But, then I met her at church. So yesterday as we were chatting, she changed the subject to church. She knows me as Catholic. I pretended to be what she thought because it didn't seem necessary to ruffle her up.

I do this alot: hide behind identities. Identities are my safety shield because I am afraid of recriminations. That is, as long as people think I am one of them, they treat me favorably; but if they think I am strange, they treat me another way. The insiders get the privileges. Can you see that I accept privileges rather than be true to myself? How sickening?

First, what I see in the world is my projection and my decision. I am responsible for the world I see. Second, I cheat myself when I do not be myself. Third, I must be afraid of who I am.

These statements are huge. They provide a good touchstone for contemplation. I need to change my projections by changing my thoughts. I need to look inside and see who is really there and be that. The identities are my ego protective devices. Hence, I can't use my ego consicousness to correct the problem. I need spiritual help. I need to use a higher consciousness. The consciousness which is not ego is in me. If I give that consciousness a space to speak, it will.

I begin merely by sitting quietly and listening with non-ears to non-words which flow continuously from that spirit who I really am.

Spiritual Push Comes to Shove

No workouts this morning. I became wrapped up in an argument with Jesus and wanted to linger over my spiritual studies. Then, I thought that since I am going in a race tomorrow, I should rest up a bit so I have some speed for the race.

It was hard to get out of bed. I rarely remember dreams; but I remembered what I dreamed last night and am feeling guilty for it. I have a late afternoon meeting with three Germans (I work for a German company). I am afraid of them; and also, I wanted to get out of work on a Friday afternoon, but it ain’t goin’ to happen. Then, I smacked into the spiritual wall: my ego beliefs vs spiritual truth and my inability to really want spiritual truth.

If you read Jesus’ words in the New Testament, and take them seriously, you realize that you are in a trap. I am not going to do what they say, but I believe I should so I am guilty. Since I believe I am guilty, I am afraid. I judge others and fear my thoughts are not private. I fear others because I know what I think of them. I am damned all around because I don’t know how to stop my thoughts. The only thing I can do is accept spiritual help.

In this world, I tried to escape damnation by joining a monastery. Hoping to live by the Rule of Benedict and obedience to a Prioress, I hoped to escape my own guilt. I got kicked out of the monastery and was left to seek salvation under my own direction.

I found A Course in Miracles. This morning, reading the Text 21.VII, I ended up between a spiritual rock and an ego hard place. I accept that my thinking is insane and need spiritual help. But I know I am blocking the spiritual help; and Spirit respects my wishes. So what do I do? All I can do is admit my insanity and ask God to help me anyway.

No matter who you are, if you enter into spirituality, you find your ego and your character defects staring you in the face. So either forget the spirituality and live solely in the ego experience; or lay down before your Higher Power and surrender everything. I cannot quit spirituality. Something beyond my ego drives me to keep studying and keep talking to Jesus about my shortcomings. I keep using the spiritual sand paper on my stubborn unbelief and ego fears. I keep asking for help. I truly believe a Power Greater than myself will restore me to sanity.

Sanity in A Course in Miracles, salvation as it were, is to believe that this world including my guilty thoughts are a bad dream, they never really happened or hurt anyone, and allow Jesus to awaken me to union with God, who always loved me and keeps me safe in Him, and the same goes for everyone, we are all one Son of God. If this is truth, I can only accept it, put my faith in it and accept the spiritual help. This is no different or harder than accepting what is said in the New Testament. These two things are the same theology and provide the same salvation. (The church has misinterpreted what Jesus said.) Jesus is Jesus period. God is Love period. I have to admit my insanity and accept spiritual help or else. What is my choice to be?

ACIM on the Road

Dear Friends, I come to you today from Texas City. I flew in last night and leave again tonight. I had a wonderful surprise on the trip down: everything went smooth, but best of all is Southwest Airlines now has a business class so you can get a good seat. The fly by lane relieves the cattle car feeling I’ve always gotten from Southwest. I hearby endorse the airline. Besides, it has been many years since I heard one of their irreverent flight attendants. I’m certain that my world appears improved in these little ways because of the rearrangements to my thinking made possible by studying A Course in Miracles and letting the Holy Spirit teach me.

Supper was a box of lettuce from Walmart. This morning I put in 30 minutes on the elliptical. Yesterday morning, I was blessed with 22 miles of long slow distance running.

Text 21:III:

- For all who choose to look away from sin are given vision, and are led to holiness.
- As they desire to look upon their brothers in holiness, the power of their belief and faith sees far beyond the body, supporting vision, not obstructing it…they have renounced the means for sin by choosing to let all limitations be removed.
- Those who believe in sin must think the Holy Spirit asks for sacrifice, for this is how they think their purpose is accomplished.
- …if you seek to limit Him, you will hate Him because you are afraid.
- …He Who loves the world is seeing it for you, without one spot of sin upon it, and in the innocence that makes the sight of it as beautiful as Heaven.

I have had a little nagging fear since Friday: I am totally afraid of being laid off due to lack of work again. Consequently, I project my fear onto others, like my boss. Oh so subtle, I think, “What if he keeps work for himself or gives it to a co-worker so that I have nothing to do?” Well, actually, fear of not enough work translates into putting faith into work as security instead of relying of God to take care of me. Just because I have a job now doesn’t mean I don’t need to turn my life over to God the same as I did last summer when I had no work. Actually, this fear has been with me my entire work life and I have lived it out over and over again, because I keep projecting the same thing. My life is my fault. This time, I want to let God help me.

The solution to the fear however is spiritual. I need to look away from the world and keep my eyes on Jesus. When I look at the world, I am looking for the bad things which I myself have projected, fearing them and attempting to control outcomes. I can bring my fear into my conscious mind and talk to Jesus about it, asking for help. Then, I ask for Christ vision. Christ vision is given me immediately and is useful if I accept it. In Christ vision, I am not an ego looking hatefully at a world which is out to get me. I am allowing the Holy Spirit to look through me to the holiness and innocence beyond the world, Heaven and the Son of God. To see the Son of God, I turn my “seeing” and perceiving over to the Holy Spirit, set my projections and perceptions aside, and see my brother sinless. Of course, I cannot do this by myself and must have help. Jesus will teach me and help me.

Jesus, I want to be free of my fear and see things differently. I am terrified of running out of work and being laid off. I project that my boss will keep work for himself or give it to my co-worker, and I will get laid off. Please, You handle all these details for me and show me the way to forgiveness and vision. Please remove what I see and help me to forgive (look beyond to the holiness and Christ in everyone). Let me put my faith in You and not the world. Please help me.

Ultra-retreat Day 6

I was up at 3 this morning. During my spiritual study, I said to Jesus, “I believe I am an idiot.” That is, I am unemployed and spending my time running 4 hours a day. That is idiotic. The gift however, is the processing I do in this spare time. Part of the beauty of an “ultra-retreat” is to listen to all the junk in my head so I can get it out; stop giving it power over me. The retreat is a picture frame of what we all think, but don't have time to do anything about, so we push it down to the unconscious.

At 4:10, I left for Parkville and ran 10 miles once I got there. Then, I zipped to the grocery store and made it to the fellowship meeting by 8 am.

The fellowship meeting was on fear. So many there discussed financial insecurity and how we deal with our thoughts and trust God; and let go of the material things. God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Coming home, eating, I had this to say, “Dear Jesus, I am in your hands. I have fear of the unknown. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which doors are open. I feel like a failure.”

Then I went to the door and put on my shoes. I thought, “God hates me.” This thought was an honest deep down disclosure, honestly said to Jesus. I think everyone thinks this, but few are able to consciously experience it.

Then I went for a 7 mile walk/jog. I was thinking about the high price of going to the Boston Marathon. I was thinking about the security guard job I could get at a children’s hospital. I am wondering what is really important to me. Why would I go to Boston, other than I can, or to have a souvenir which I could show to everyone. I need to go deeper into who I am. This brought up the other part of today’s lesson, “I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me.”

I was thinking about the meeting on fear. I realized the fear didn’t start at the material level. It starts at some other level. I thought about my thought, “God hates me.” I realized I am very close to where Jesus wants me to get when I am a serious Course student. The only real fear is fear of God. I think God hates me, and I made the gut level admission. From there, its not too hard to admit I am afraid of Him. This is the root of the fear. But I went toe to toe with Jesus, looked him in the eye and told him I think God hates me. Jesus can shine his light on this and heal it.

I assume I am afraid of God. It makes logical sense. But I haven’t felt it. It is still disassociated. Studying the Course, I know that Jesus will take me by the hand and gently lead me through the fear. The main thing is that I be willing to go with him. God doesn’t hate me and there is nothing to be afraid of; the fear of God is my insanity.

If I was not experiencing the “economic downturn” as one of the unemployed, I wouldn’t be doing the work to dig out my fear. What I see in the world is the projection of my fear. I am on the way to having it healed. This is a good thing. Because of this possibility, I think I chose, at the spiritual level, to be laid off. I am willing to go through the fear so others don’t have to.

This is the Course: look at the world and realize it is a projection/illusion of your own thoughts. Take responsibility and give it to Jesus. He will help you have different dreams. Spending all this time looking at my thoughts and giving them to Jesus is the truth of how I am spending my time while I am unemployed. This unraveling of ego thoughts is necessary in order for me to live at the level of spirit instead of ego. I want to listen to the Voice for God instead of the ego. All this thinking is a practice in discernment.

“Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.” (ACIM Text 1.I.7)

Ultra-retreat – 2

I got up late (5:30) because it was another ferocious thunderstorm outside, and I felt like a shorter run this morning was necessary for healing of fatigue. After studying ACIM, I’m not so sure I need to believe these physical limits. “I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me.” I have a plan to get back on schedule.

Lesson 208: The peace of God is shining in me now.

“I will be still, and let the earth be still along with me. And in that stillness we will find the peace of God. It is within my heart, which witnesses to God Himself.”

I was looking at the fear my ego offers and the peace Jesus offers. My ego thinks I am in a predicament: no job. What if I question the ego’s opinion? You see, my true position in life right now is safe and neutral. Any fear I feel is an ego projection. My ego continuously tells me to be afraid of the future. I’m coming to see however that the ego’s main fear is that I will realize its fears are false and turn exclusively to the peace Jesus offers.

I read in the Text (Ch 4): God is inevitable...you will merely know God...the Unalterable...

The name of God, the Unalterable, can evoke an image of a wall, rigid judgment, a feeling of fear that God will keep you away because you are bad. This is the image the ego throws up. More quiet and arriving second is the Holy Spirit and Jesus' image: total Love. Love asks you to come without any ego specialness but as the innocent and pure idea of love which you truly are. Of course the ego fears God, because you cannot return to God with the ego.

Instead of dwelling in fear and listening to the ego repeatedly shriek, “What will happen to me?” I admit that my thoughts are literally killing me. When my ego cries out in fear, it is not fear of physical insecurity, but really a fear that I might start to disregard the ego entirely because it lies to me. The ego is terrified I might throw my entire trust and mental investment to the Holy Spirit and Jesus. “Jesus, I need to live in the sunlight of the spirit.” To heal, I turn to the lesson. I feel the peace. The thought of peace keeps me safe. It gives me a place to go in my mind that is not destructive. A place which returns me to God. I don’t need to fix the fearful predicament at the illusion level, that is this world. I can just disregard it and return to God. The ego offers me a list of people to hate in conjunction with its predicament. I can choose to forgive, that is, see everyone only in the sunlight of the spirit and not at the level of illusion. I choose to see everyone as the innocent and pure idea of love which they truly are. This job of forgiveness is my real profession anyway.

I choose not to dwell mentally in fear, but dwell mentally in Jesus’ lesson and its light. I read the prayer and feel its light. I rise up to it.

4 Days to Maryville - Running and Love

This morning, I was studying fear in A Course in Miracles (ACIM). Here are a few ideas that struck me:

- My (Jesus’) control can take over everything that does not matter, while my guidance can direct everything that does, if you so choose.

- Whenever you are afraid, it is a sure sign that you have allowed your mind to miscreate and have not allowed me (Jesus) to guide it.

- When you are fearful, you have chosen wrongly…You must change your mind, not your behavior, and this is a matter of willingness.

- Before you choose to do anything, ask me (Jesus) if your choice is in accord with mine. If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear.

- Fear is always a sign of strain, arising whenever what you want conflicts with what you do.

- Say to yourself that you must somehow have chosen not to love, or the fear could not have arisen.

-…when you are afraid, you have placed yourself in a position where you need Atonement.

- Perfect love is the Atonement.

[Atonement is not what you read in the bible. Stick with this one definition: perfect love.]

I was thinking about how fear clutters my mind. It is so pervasive. Think of a cluttered house and then think of your mind filled with millions of not only useless but frightening thoughts. I focused on running and in particular my marathon race this weekend. I realized that I am afraid. So I said, “Jesus, my thoughts must not be under your control. My body’s pains are miscreations due to fear.” I realized that I am afraid of all the races I’ve signed up for this year. Why? The fear comes from ego motives: maybe I signed up to achieve ego glory. I chose them for ego reasons, so I am afraid and in pain. I feel pressure because my ego wants to win and boast of its triumph. In my heart, I know all my ego triumph is really my ego thinking it has defeated God and is flipping its tiny finger at The All Loving; actually hating Love Itself.

So I talk further to Jesus. “Jesus, I want to run a great race but I also want to serve you. But really, I want to run fast more than I want to serve you. Is there any way to have both in accordance with love?” I feel like I am asking Jesus for cake and planning also to eat it. I am being honest, but I feel like a schmuck. Then, come what I consider to be the miracle thought, “If I thought I was going for love, I wouldn’t be afraid.” Can running and racing be an expression of our (me and Jesus) love? Somehow, as I imaged myself running, I knew it could be an expression of love if that was my choice and intention and the focus of my thoughts.

So, I went out running. It was a nearly full moon, perfectly clear sky and about 56F; perfect. I thought more about love and the Maryville Marathon. Two years ago, I ran for quite awhile with a guy who had lost 200 lbs and the race was his victory celebration. How great that he got to tell me. He was an anonymous guy. No newspaper reporters were following us around. But I was being his audience and I felt honored to listen on behalf of myriads of angels. Last year, I only ran the half marathon (2:05), but it was a celebration for me because it was only a month since I had got the brace off my broken arm and started running at all. Last year, I ran for a long time with a young woman who was doing her first marathon. She didn’t really know what she was doing but she must have felt comforted running with me. She could have run faster, but she didn’t. Near the end of the half, she said she felt sick. I told her it was because she was out of fuel. I gave her my spare Gu packets and wished her well on the second lap. Thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes.

Now I am at work. Here too, living must be an expression of love. Love belongs to God and is given to me. If I accept it, I have accepted the Atonement for myself, which is the whole point of ACIM. I can’t be a miracle worker until I have received the love.

I am feeling quite weepy with gratitude that I am somehow willing to accept love.

Fear and Faith

I laid awake in the night last night. Fear gripped me. I had made a decision to stop investing in this world and I had decided that in the morning, I would go online and sell everything. I would then notify my investment advisor that our relationship was on hold for awhile. I felt bad about this, but I need to enter a new paradigm and stop living in the old one.

The fear is on the illusion level. In my troubled night, I continually sought the Light. I kept bringing the fear to Jesus. Jesus took my fear, but mentioned the need to invest in the Holy Spirit; and also mentioned the need to consider how this situation was part of my relationship with God; since this is my only real relationship.

I was reminded of pre-monastery, pre-2000. Before entering the convent, my financial projection looked like I could have a million dollars by the age of 45. I could retire to a life of scholarship and athleticism. Then, the possibility of entering religious life became feasible. Honestly, I viewed the convent as a secure place where I could have 3 hots and a cot for life. I could leave the world and never have financial insecurity. While I was in the convent, along came 9/11 and Enron. I scoffed. I was smug. Who cares about investments? I am safe and protected here in this big old institution, for life.

I never would have left the convent because I assumed my career was destroyed and I certainly didn't want to live in the world as a poor person. But God had other plans; and I got kicked out into the world. I lived for a year as a full time cashier with 2 other part time jobs. I learned a little about how to make your way in the world without the white collar career. But then God gave my career back and I have worked at it for the past 4 1/2 years. I re-started my dream of retiring at age 55 (not as rich as at 45) but still a doable situation if I had a part time job.

Along comes the "financial crisis." All my terror gets dropped in my lap. Last night, I realized I am called to solve the fear problem at its ego root and not just find a way to avoid it (which the convent was). The Holy Spirit would ask that I deal with the situation for His purpose and not my own. My mind is part of the entire mind of mankind and God Himself. I feel happy and honorable if I address the problem in a new paradigm; rather than just be afraid and insane. I need to employ the principles of A Course in Miracles to heal my thinking. That is the point: engage spiritual help because that is the only real reality.

In my own words I say: This world is an illusion made by an ego that wanted to be separate from God. Since an ego made this world, it is a disastrous delusion of fear, guilt and attack. Since I think the illusion is real, it effects me emotionally and I become enmeshed in fear, guilt and attack. Yet the ego is my ego and the world is my ego projection. So to change the world, I have to change my thinking.

I am really a spirit, an idea of love in the mind of God. The Holy Spirit is my constant Companion and Teacher. Christ is the depth of my being where all of our essences are continuously joined in the bliss of Heaven. There is no ego in the bliss of Heaven. Hence my path to Heaven involves dropping my ego's thinking in favor of the Holy Spirit's thinking. I am with Christ and in Christ and He is in me. We (all of us) are one. Essentially I am Christ. Here is where my faith must be.

So, the financial crisis is not real; even though I am experiencing the same depth of fear that most people are. I have to bring this fear to the Holy Spirit and ask what His purpose is. I am will to carry out my function as given by God. My function has far more to do with inner peace than shifting my worldly investments around.

From ACIM: "A situation is a relationship, being the joining of thoughts...The light of truth shines from the center of the situation, and touches everyone to whom the situation's purpose calls. It calls to everyone. There is no situation that does not involve your whole relationship (the one you have with God), in every aspect and complete in every part. You can leave nothing of yourself outside it and keep the situation holy. For it shares the purpose of your whole relationship, and derives its meaning from it...There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve....If you lack faith, ask that it be restored...the goal of holiness was set for your relationship, and not by you."

So I must find holiness, find Christ, in the financial crisis and in the fear of financial insecurity. Hidden in the situation is The Light. I must transcend my ego's thinking and join with the Holy Spirit's thinking. This shift of my investment strategy is the only thing I can do. I am investing in God and not my ego. The alternative is to die miserably terrified; without having accepted my responsibility.

My Current Understanding

EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION - I declare my freedom from ego slavery and prison.

This world is a bad dream lived by my ego consciousness. I am not an ego. I am dreaming. I am the dreamer. I believe the dream because I am asleep. If I would wake up, this bad dream would vanish and I would see I am but a thought/idea of love in the Mind of God. I cannot wake up by myself so Jesus and the Holy Spirit have entered my dream and are helping me to wake up. It doesn’t really matter how the dreaming began. What matters is that I now, right now, this instant, choose to wake up. I wake up by following the teaching of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has been helping me to see why I don’t make this choice. If I give the why to the Holy Spirit, it can be healed so that I come closer to waking up. When I have finally given my entire bad dream to the Holy Spirit, I will be ready to wake up and God will awaken me gently. The awakening won’t scare me because I was ready.

This weekend, I have given considerable thought to my fear of financial insecurity. I have been using the “financial crises” as my touchstone. Like most people, I think I need money. But I am dreaming; in the real world, money is meaningless. I keep talking to Jesus and the Holy Spirit about my fear, my terror. It may be a dream but I believe it and cower at the thought of not having money to protect myself. Here, we arrive at exactly the point: I think money will save me. I do not believe God will save me. Here, going deeper, I look at the entire world as one huge frightening disappointment. Every time I thought I grasped salvation in the form of a material savior, it was ripped from my grasp by fate, by God. How over and over I have been terrified and believed that God would not save me. I believed it was God who ruined my dream. I somehow began dreaming because I hated God and pushed Him away. In the dream, I am afraid of God because I think it is God that is punishing me, not that I am punishing myself. My why: I am afraid of God because I believe I did something to hurt Him; and in my guilt and remorse, I made a dream of self punishment. Suddenly, I am able to admit that I have created this dream as a self punishment. My why, self punishment, can be given to the Holy Spirit for healing.

To get out of this dream, to have my fear vanish, I simply tell this to Jesus and the Holy Spirit and listen to their story of how I am holy because God created me holy, of how I am not the dream but love because God is love and nothing else is real, of how I am dreaming and in reality, I exist in the Mind of God and have never left it. It is impossible that I could hate God, fear God or leave God. God is love, not punishment. Instead of hating the other people in my dream, I see them as light with me in the Mind of God; they too are dreaming, but I don't have to believe any dream. I can keep choosing to listen to the story told by Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Their story is beautiful. In their story, we have peace and light and joy. Money is meaningless because I am only a thought of love. What could a thought of love possibly need money for? Bodily pain, age and disease is meaningless, because I am not a body. Over eating and getting fat is meaningless. Even running and weight lifting are meaningless.

Only love means anything. Love is not a vain attempt to get another person to treat me a certain way. It is peace and joy and comfort provided solely in God. I have a vision I use. I see my self as an idea in a world of light. I look and see a tiny black spec. The black spec is my bad dream. I am not the dream. I tell Jesus and the Holy Spirit of my bad dream and give it to them. The black spec vanishes and I am simply safe in the light.

OK. I don't want to live my life in fear. I deeply believe that the true answer to fear is in the spiritual world. It is not in: a government bailout, not in railing my financial advisor to find an investment that will grow, not in frugality, not in increased savings, not in worrying about my job. No investment in this dream world will work. Only investment in the spiritual world will work. Truth can only be found in God. My help is in allowing Jesus and the Holy Spirit to teach me how to live in the spiritual world and not in the bad dream.

The Kingdom of God is in you. My peace I give you. Sell all and follow me. To save your life, you must lose it.

I am under no laws but God's. God is Love.

Vacation Saturday - Wreckless Exposition of Self

I was not ambitious this morning and did not make it out of bed until 7. It is a little snowy, so I am somewhat glad I bagged the performance driving to KC.

I am sitting here realizing that this is a day for going within and listening to Jesus, who speaks in non-words.

Looking at the internet, I realize that nothing will entertain me out there. In fact, yesterday someone criticized me on a bulletin board and my spiritual practice was to refrain from proving her wrong, using her own words. I could go to a Mass here in Atchison, but I don’t think that will entertain me either. Only the God within can satisfy me. Not reading books about the God within, but experiencing Him first hand. Truly a St Romuald day of sitting in my cell, watching my thoughts and singing the Psalms.

How I perceive what others think about my contemplation is an insane delusion fabricated out of the past and torturing me in the present. How often have I punished myself because someone made a comment about how I must be lonely or how wonderful their group experience was. How often I have been frustrated because I couldn’t explain that there is another world which is spiritual, non-physical and all love; but no one seems able to really go there with me. This failure to express convincingly is my pain. Metaphysics just don’t appeal to most people. Sometimes I feel like a flawed psychological development because I connect in a metaphysical reality; but physical realities seem meaningless.

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) supports the metaphysical reality as real and God Love; and the ego world is meaningless. I have not progressed in my learning enough to be comfortable with this and be able to consistently use Christ vision to look beyond the physical illusion to the Christ in all others. It would be worth it as my lifetime project to accept Christ’s presence within me in this total way and look only at Christ in others. So, that is why I do what I do and follow the instructions of ACIM so relentlessly. I have searched several religions and find the ACIM teaching to hold the greatest potential for success in overcoming illusion and being the Christ consciousness, nothing else.

As I write this, I fear publishing it. I know some people think ACIM is diabolical and that Catholicism is best, or Buddhism is best, or some other way is best. I am consciously facing my fear right now and giving it to the light of the Holy Spirit for healing. My pain can be healed and this is good for everyone. I face my painful and frightening delusions. I recognize my insanity: my perceptions of others cannot be the God Love reality. However, looking inward, under the fear, is the subtle quiet of love. This inner finding is the silent light of Christ, forever within my consciousness. I avail my self of this gentle peace whenever I dismiss my ego and come quietly to the light. I can bring my pain and fear here, and it is healed.

I lose my ego conditioned life to find my true Christ life. I shamelessly follow Jesus. I believe Jesus can restore me to sanity and I humbly offer myself to Him.

Believe it or not, I am going for a run in this light precipitation. I feel the levy north of town calling me. The levy runs through barren fields this time of year, and often, that run will be accompanied by a north wind to the face. Yet, I find the barren harshness to be refreshing and cleansing. It soothes my soul. Yes, this is what I am like. I stand without my Donald Duck mask. I laugh at my ego. Running and contemplation set me free.

Fear

This morning I had a difficult time getting out of bed. Then, as I sat at my table, I could feel fear and hatred building within me. I did not want to go to work, face whatever comes up and be responsible. I could feel hatred of responsiblity.

I glanced down at my ACIM text:

• Open the dark cornerstone of terror on which it (the ego) rests, and bring it out into the light.
• ...everything of which you have been afraid was based on nothing (meaninglessness, delusion, projection).
• ...the little spark in your mind is enough...
• I (Jesus) give you the lamp and I will go with you.
• His (God's) thought system is light.
• You dwell in the Mind of God with your brother...

In the Bible, Jesus says, "Be not afraid...my peace I give to you..."

I realized I was back at the decision point. I did not have to be afraid. I could choose to accept the peace of Christ. My ego absolutely does not want to go and serve. My ego hates me because I have been refusing to attack my brother and learning to choose the belief that I live in God. So my ego generates fear and hatred for "them" and "what-ever-is-out-there-which-could-hurt-me." None of that is true. It is all false perception and I can choose to believe Jesus instead.