I am a sentient being. Forget the moths smashed on car bumpers. I am a sentient being.
The Task is to enlarge on this idea beyond this world. The Task is a spiritual task, if I say that spirit is what I am beyond this world. God is more or less irrelevant to The Task.
Today I continued my personal multi-day (day 3). I completed 21 miles in run/walk mode and then made myself walk another 2.23 miles. In 3 days, I have covered 51.73 miles. This is not a body destroying quantity; but a mental practice. It takes a certain will to go out and do this; especially since it is a rather puny amount of running in ultra-marathon terms.
Today, after about an hour of running, I found myself on a paved bike path in a forest, bit of very green grass on each side, foggy skies. Suddenly, I wondered where I was. I wondered if I had somehow turned around and run back without paying attention. Then, I got my bearings and was fine.
Metaphysically speaking, this moment of disorientation was a moment of failed ego control. That is, my normal ego thought pattern which holds the world in place was gone. In the sense of self transcendence, this was a successful moment. For such moments, I keep ultra-running. For someone NOT about the Task, such moments are meaningless and to be blown off immediately. For a budding philosopher, it is a time for reflection on the boundaries and conditions and varieties of consciousness.
Showing posts with label ultra-retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ultra-retreat. Show all posts
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Colleen's Fat Ass - Reflection on a Cold January Night
Here is my reflection:
Ultra running, for me, is not primarily about speed; not like shorter road races are. Ultra running is completely inexplicable; especially to the non-running public. While some non-runners might say, “Wow, you ran 50 miles. That is awesome.” They actually have no idea what that means or what it feels like or why you did it. The purpose of ultra running, for me, isn’t about a sense of accomplishment or honor or award.
I don’t speak for others, and most other ultra runners are far more accomplished than me. I am barely an ultra runner distance-wise. But in so far as most 50k’s (31 miles) are run on courses much more difficult than a road marathon, that additional 2 or 3 hours and additional challenge to legs muscles, is what turns the run into an ultra for me. Plus the resultant and dramatic physical destruction. Plus the seeming nonsense of the endeavor.
Potential ultra runners think ultra running will solve their sense of boredom with road marathons by adding an additional notch in their belt. For me, the idea germinated and has always grown in a desire to go beyond my rational ego mind by taking the body beyond its training envelope and beyond its logical capability. What I find in this beyond place is almost impossible to have a conversation about. Such conversation always seem to de-generate into a worldly discussion of distance and time and placing and schwag. This degeneration frustrates me because the worldly things mean nothing. However, when I meet another ultra runner, its possible to say nothing but connect on the thought level; where we have an entire sharing of meaning without a word having been spoken. The meaning of ultra running cannot be explained, but it can be shared by connections made beyond words
There is nothing to brag about for me; and that is what my ego hates. In fact, I don’t think I have officially “finished” an ultra in several races. So can I cut to the chase: Why would I value the result of a futile effort so much that I put up with the pain of it over and over? I just spent nearly 7 hours of a cold windy January night jogging in a tiny pool of light, having no idea where I was or where I was going or what for. On the trail, where my legs are far more challenged than on a road, it took me several hours to bring my body to the brink of destruction. The first lap found me lost and confused and angry as twice I lost the trail. I fell down once. I peed in a cold outhouse by choice because I didn’t want to go into the warmer restroom. Each lap I put a mark by my name on the chart.
As time wore on and my body wore down, I lived a very simple and elemental existence. Alone in the dark, my thoughts ranged as follows: I hope I don’t trip this time (I tripped 7 times at the exact same spot over something I never could see, but on the last 2 laps, I used an extra hand held light at that place. I never saw what I tripped over, but didn’t trip on the last 2 laps); I hope I don’t get lost (well after 2 laps, while the pink flags were still my security blanket, I was guided by the landmarks of the footing, various rocks and such); Should I eat my Power Bar now? (too late, it is frozen and I hope I don’t break a tooth trying to bite it); Is it time to pee? (I hate stopping, but oh well, it must be done).
I have NOT thought about the ego’s world: work, co-workers, money, retirement plans, health care plans, Boston qualification, age group awards, why I am not rich or famous or a vowed religious.
I did the journey to the ultra runner’s nether world and the secret of the ineffable. The nonsensical infinite timelessness of the intangible formlessness calls me over and over.
I keep answering the call.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 5 Peace
I love this park!This morning, I woke up at 3:50 and shut off the alarm which was set to go off at 4. And I slept until just before 8. Then I got up and did my spiritual study. At 9, I did a free weight and core workout (65 min) and went to the park. I ran 10.8 miles before the rain scared me off. After I got home, it was time for lunch. The multi-day is over.
I'm glad I did this multi-day. I am amazed that I arrived at today without injury. It was more than I've done before. I think I went to the edge of my energy capability. I realize what I am and what I am not. I enjoyed the time working out no matter that nothing was official about it. I know and that is enough.
I was totally at peace with going back to sleep. It is good that I follow such a message when it comes. As I lifted weights, I thought consciously how peaceful that was and how at peace I am. During running, I thought of my life as the reflection on top of a calm pool. Yes, I can see activities in the reflection, but I know I don't need to respond. I keep the water calm and look deeper into the depths.
I think running is part of my conversation with God because I am nearly always focused on conscious contact with God the whole time I am running. For example, my spiritual lesson for today contained this little stream of thoughts: “I walk with God in perfect holiness. I light the world, I light my mind, I light all minds, which God created, one with me.” I could jog quite easily to the gently flow of these thoughts. I kept my thinking inside the stream of these thoughts. Gandhi said, "...be the change..." Well, keeping my mind in the light is the way I am the change. Running is a great time to train my mind to stay where I want it and not wandering down dark and frightening corridors. I look beyond the fearful reflections of the world which are on the surface of the pond and attempt to distract me from the depths underneath. yadda yadda.....thanks for coming with me.
I'm glad I did this multi-day. I am amazed that I arrived at today without injury. It was more than I've done before. I think I went to the edge of my energy capability. I realize what I am and what I am not. I enjoyed the time working out no matter that nothing was official about it. I know and that is enough.
I was totally at peace with going back to sleep. It is good that I follow such a message when it comes. As I lifted weights, I thought consciously how peaceful that was and how at peace I am. During running, I thought of my life as the reflection on top of a calm pool. Yes, I can see activities in the reflection, but I know I don't need to respond. I keep the water calm and look deeper into the depths.
I think running is part of my conversation with God because I am nearly always focused on conscious contact with God the whole time I am running. For example, my spiritual lesson for today contained this little stream of thoughts: “I walk with God in perfect holiness. I light the world, I light my mind, I light all minds, which God created, one with me.” I could jog quite easily to the gently flow of these thoughts. I kept my thinking inside the stream of these thoughts. Gandhi said, "...be the change..." Well, keeping my mind in the light is the way I am the change. Running is a great time to train my mind to stay where I want it and not wandering down dark and frightening corridors. I look beyond the fearful reflections of the world which are on the surface of the pond and attempt to distract me from the depths underneath. yadda yadda.....thanks for coming with me.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 4 Emptiness
Today I got out of bed ok. I thought I better start out running early because of t-storm prediction and what was on the radar. I got to the park about 5:20 and it was still mostly dark. My first lap felt extremely slow. After 2 laps, I had to go to the shorter lap because of the fireworks barricade. Then, I quickly lost count and just ran for time.
Was it stupid to run for 5h56min? I don’t know. I don’t know what I accomplished. There was nothing romantic, euphoric or seemingly wonderful. Except whenever I got myself into the moment, I felt infinity. It was hot. I peed a lot. I worried about drinks. I worried about weather. I watched the clock in order to make sure I walked the 2 minutes. My legs hurt after a long time. I think my slow speed makes me look bad.
Well, not that bad: some teenage boys that I passed after 5.5 hours asked me if I was training for Ironman.
Sitting here now, I wish I had an answer. I am staring myself in the face. I ran 5h56min today and I have no answer as to why. I’m feeling depressed, empty. Fear lurks: What if I wake up in the morning and my legs feel ok and I do it again? Emptied, not hungry at all, I sit here.
There is a war going on outside. Some people call it our country’s birthday. How fitting that the people of this land think that large numbers of explosions celebrate a nation under God. Oh yeah…and getting drunk.
I read the blog of a man named Anton. He ran the Western States 100 mile race in 15+ hours and came in second. The 3,100 mile race goes on and on with 11 runners running 55 to 72 miles each day. I am a 51 year old lady contemplative who thinks running is a conversation with God.
What I did today is never done by the masses of people. Those who do run that long usually do it for t-shirts and medals and “official” times. A small few do it in the name of “training” for some future race. A tiny one or two or three do it just to do it.
The spirituality of running is not in the suffering or the record book. It is in the endless time for contemplation, just being, just running. I only know the point after I ask God; and then sit in silence. I asked today and the reply was, “Enjoy being empty.”
Hands off. Let it go. I have no purpose or point. I have a pair of shoes, a bottle of water, a bag of Gu and a little park with a dirt path where I can go around and around. The endlessness of it is tremendous, sacred, holy to the bone.
Was it stupid to run for 5h56min? I don’t know. I don’t know what I accomplished. There was nothing romantic, euphoric or seemingly wonderful. Except whenever I got myself into the moment, I felt infinity. It was hot. I peed a lot. I worried about drinks. I worried about weather. I watched the clock in order to make sure I walked the 2 minutes. My legs hurt after a long time. I think my slow speed makes me look bad.
Well, not that bad: some teenage boys that I passed after 5.5 hours asked me if I was training for Ironman.
Sitting here now, I wish I had an answer. I am staring myself in the face. I ran 5h56min today and I have no answer as to why. I’m feeling depressed, empty. Fear lurks: What if I wake up in the morning and my legs feel ok and I do it again? Emptied, not hungry at all, I sit here.
There is a war going on outside. Some people call it our country’s birthday. How fitting that the people of this land think that large numbers of explosions celebrate a nation under God. Oh yeah…and getting drunk.
I read the blog of a man named Anton. He ran the Western States 100 mile race in 15+ hours and came in second. The 3,100 mile race goes on and on with 11 runners running 55 to 72 miles each day. I am a 51 year old lady contemplative who thinks running is a conversation with God.
What I did today is never done by the masses of people. Those who do run that long usually do it for t-shirts and medals and “official” times. A small few do it in the name of “training” for some future race. A tiny one or two or three do it just to do it.
The spirituality of running is not in the suffering or the record book. It is in the endless time for contemplation, just being, just running. I only know the point after I ask God; and then sit in silence. I asked today and the reply was, “Enjoy being empty.”
Hands off. Let it go. I have no purpose or point. I have a pair of shoes, a bottle of water, a bag of Gu and a little park with a dirt path where I can go around and around. The endlessness of it is tremendous, sacred, holy to the bone.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 3 Commitment
Day 3 of Personal Multi-day: solo race against myself.
Today I met what I came here for. It was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. Not because of tiredness or soreness, but because of a recalcitrant ego. My ego is worried about the why of this personal multi-day and thinks it can win out by with excuses, and saying it doesn’t matter. No one will know. I will know. I am accomplishing something in the mental and spiritual realm, precisely because it appears so valueless in the material world.
I faced a little battle of no vs. yes. I weighed the excuses vs. the plan of action. I listened to the insidious question of “Why?” The question is allowed to defeat the soul or answered by the will in support of the soul. My life blood, my vitality, is dependent on the outcome of this mental and spiritual struggle.
It must be spirit who ascends above the ego in the darkness as I choose to get out of bed. To get up and work out for a third pseudo-50k-of-sorts, for no recognition, is antithetical to the ego. How is it that some transcend these ego cesspools and some sit in them? How did I want the spiritual sunlight enough to get out of bed and work at the foolish task of endurance?
1. Somewhere I developed the desire for spirit above all else in life.
2. I surrendered to the call and began to follow it wherever it went.
3. I have tremendous gratitude to spirit for the feeling of Presence I find whenever I stop to consider it.
Way way back, as a pre-teen, I knew I wanted “something more.” I could see light from somewhere beyond my ridiculously shallow and tormented existence. I felt the pull at age 14 as I looked at pictures of B.K.S. Iyengar and tried to stand like a mountain, or swam laps by myself, or rode my bicycle in the Berkeley hills. I could hear a call even though I had no idea what it was or where to find it.
Back to the present. First thing in my kitchen this morning, I considered downing some vitamins and protein; but realized, “I am not going to die.” That is, my endurance task for the day was no longer so daunting that I had to carefully plan calories and electrolytes. I could mainly just go do it. As I completed the first 30 minutes on the ex-machines, I felt the inner doors of power flow open. I gave them permission to open. I allowed higher power to flow into my consciousness. The acceptance of this higher power is not magic powers but an attitude of connectedness to a power which provides all for all.
After 2 hours on the machines, I loaded up my hydropak and drove to the park. I had to park a ways away, due to a parade in Parkville, hence was carrying 50 oz of drink. It was starting off a humid 77F. I began my 8x2s at a slow pace. After 6 laps, 16.2 miles, I decided to just keep jogging instead of going back to do another hour on machines. I was in the running longevity zone: aches and pains were stabilized, I put more water in the hydropak and had 2 Gu stashed on me. I felt I could run forever. I felt oneness with ultra-runners all over the globe. This decision to keep running could have been a function of a heat deranged mind, but I just felt like I could gently keep going. I approved myself for another 80 minutes. When I finished, after 4h24min, it was 88F. I had done 21 extremely slow miles.
The sock combo worked great again and I had no heat rash on my legs: excellent. Oh…I love the new Nike swim bikinis under my shorts.
I have never worked out for 6+ days in a row before. I have never had my current level of fitness before.
More about commitment: my pondering during my run. What I am doing with this personal multi-day is keeping a commitment to myself. I thought about my monastic education. As a novice prepares for vows, one of the things they talk about is the commitment to monastic profession. It is a public vow and it is thought that the publicness of it helps the person keep it. At this point in my life I am aghast at the teaching. If I want something in my soul, I’ll battle avarice and sloth (ego characteristics) to the death in order to obtain my soul’s desire. It seems so cheap and fake to think other people’s eyes would have anything to do with how I honor my soul’s requests. The blood and guts of my life is to defeat ego and support soul. And that is what my personal multi-day means to me.
Today I met what I came here for. It was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. Not because of tiredness or soreness, but because of a recalcitrant ego. My ego is worried about the why of this personal multi-day and thinks it can win out by with excuses, and saying it doesn’t matter. No one will know. I will know. I am accomplishing something in the mental and spiritual realm, precisely because it appears so valueless in the material world.
I faced a little battle of no vs. yes. I weighed the excuses vs. the plan of action. I listened to the insidious question of “Why?” The question is allowed to defeat the soul or answered by the will in support of the soul. My life blood, my vitality, is dependent on the outcome of this mental and spiritual struggle.
It must be spirit who ascends above the ego in the darkness as I choose to get out of bed. To get up and work out for a third pseudo-50k-of-sorts, for no recognition, is antithetical to the ego. How is it that some transcend these ego cesspools and some sit in them? How did I want the spiritual sunlight enough to get out of bed and work at the foolish task of endurance?
1. Somewhere I developed the desire for spirit above all else in life.
2. I surrendered to the call and began to follow it wherever it went.
3. I have tremendous gratitude to spirit for the feeling of Presence I find whenever I stop to consider it.
Way way back, as a pre-teen, I knew I wanted “something more.” I could see light from somewhere beyond my ridiculously shallow and tormented existence. I felt the pull at age 14 as I looked at pictures of B.K.S. Iyengar and tried to stand like a mountain, or swam laps by myself, or rode my bicycle in the Berkeley hills. I could hear a call even though I had no idea what it was or where to find it.
Back to the present. First thing in my kitchen this morning, I considered downing some vitamins and protein; but realized, “I am not going to die.” That is, my endurance task for the day was no longer so daunting that I had to carefully plan calories and electrolytes. I could mainly just go do it. As I completed the first 30 minutes on the ex-machines, I felt the inner doors of power flow open. I gave them permission to open. I allowed higher power to flow into my consciousness. The acceptance of this higher power is not magic powers but an attitude of connectedness to a power which provides all for all.
After 2 hours on the machines, I loaded up my hydropak and drove to the park. I had to park a ways away, due to a parade in Parkville, hence was carrying 50 oz of drink. It was starting off a humid 77F. I began my 8x2s at a slow pace. After 6 laps, 16.2 miles, I decided to just keep jogging instead of going back to do another hour on machines. I was in the running longevity zone: aches and pains were stabilized, I put more water in the hydropak and had 2 Gu stashed on me. I felt I could run forever. I felt oneness with ultra-runners all over the globe. This decision to keep running could have been a function of a heat deranged mind, but I just felt like I could gently keep going. I approved myself for another 80 minutes. When I finished, after 4h24min, it was 88F. I had done 21 extremely slow miles.
The sock combo worked great again and I had no heat rash on my legs: excellent. Oh…I love the new Nike swim bikinis under my shorts.
I have never worked out for 6+ days in a row before. I have never had my current level of fitness before.
More about commitment: my pondering during my run. What I am doing with this personal multi-day is keeping a commitment to myself. I thought about my monastic education. As a novice prepares for vows, one of the things they talk about is the commitment to monastic profession. It is a public vow and it is thought that the publicness of it helps the person keep it. At this point in my life I am aghast at the teaching. If I want something in my soul, I’ll battle avarice and sloth (ego characteristics) to the death in order to obtain my soul’s desire. It seems so cheap and fake to think other people’s eyes would have anything to do with how I honor my soul’s requests. The blood and guts of my life is to defeat ego and support soul. And that is what my personal multi-day means to me.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 2
First off this morning, I wrote:
How many days, decades, lifetimes have been spent waiting for You?
We who sit, know He sits with us.
I am alone, yet part of many.
We quietly devote ourselves to The Awareness.
The great texts point us to It.
The Master said, "He is within."
I prostrate before The Master in gratitude.
I kneel before The Awareness in love.
Poignant.
Passionate.
Compunction.
Postulation.
There is no greater thing than to lay down your life for your Friend, The Awareness, Love Itself.
Do you think I do this to get something?
Can you not see there is no reward?
Except for The Knowledge, the richness palpating a hidden place within.
___________________________________________
And so, I completed another pseudo-50k-of-sorts today. 2 hours on ex-machines. Run 16.2 miles in 3h09, faster than yesterday by a smidge. Then 1h5min on machines; went 5 min longer on the nordic track since I ran faster.
I have broken new ground: never worked out for 6+ hours two days in a row. I'm aware of those achieving greater feats of endurance. I'm pleased to see my own personal progress: back in December, I thought just the 16.2 miles for 3 days in a row was alot.
So, eat, sleep, get out of med in the morning and try again. I swear, this is happening courtesy of a power greater than myself.
How many days, decades, lifetimes have been spent waiting for You?
We who sit, know He sits with us.
I am alone, yet part of many.
We quietly devote ourselves to The Awareness.
The great texts point us to It.
The Master said, "He is within."
I prostrate before The Master in gratitude.
I kneel before The Awareness in love.
Poignant.
Passionate.
Compunction.
Postulation.
There is no greater thing than to lay down your life for your Friend, The Awareness, Love Itself.
Do you think I do this to get something?
Can you not see there is no reward?
Except for The Knowledge, the richness palpating a hidden place within.
___________________________________________
And so, I completed another pseudo-50k-of-sorts today. 2 hours on ex-machines. Run 16.2 miles in 3h09, faster than yesterday by a smidge. Then 1h5min on machines; went 5 min longer on the nordic track since I ran faster.
I have broken new ground: never worked out for 6+ hours two days in a row. I'm aware of those achieving greater feats of endurance. I'm pleased to see my own personal progress: back in December, I thought just the 16.2 miles for 3 days in a row was alot.
So, eat, sleep, get out of med in the morning and try again. I swear, this is happening courtesy of a power greater than myself.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 1
Ok so, I have five days off work. I decided to stage my own personal multi-day endurance event. I wondered what I would do. I wondered what for.
.
It is not for anything. I've decided that right up front. My event is not for finding the holy grail or achieving enlightenment. It is just an environment of sorts, just a place to be...period.
.
Today, I worked out on my machines for 2 hours. Then I went to Parkville and ran 6 laps, or 16.2 miles, in 3h12, or 11.8 min/mile. Then I came home and jellified myself by doing another hour on the machines. That nordic track seems harmless enough but it is a jelly maker for sure.
.
After eating and napping, I realized that I had worked out for longer than it takes me to run a 50k (31 miles). It was a pseudo-50k-of-sorts. So that is my plan: 5 x 50k in 5 days. That is an endurance event beyond the box of what I have done so far.
.
It is not for anything. I've decided that right up front. My event is not for finding the holy grail or achieving enlightenment. It is just an environment of sorts, just a place to be...period.
.
Today, I worked out on my machines for 2 hours. Then I went to Parkville and ran 6 laps, or 16.2 miles, in 3h12, or 11.8 min/mile. Then I came home and jellified myself by doing another hour on the machines. That nordic track seems harmless enough but it is a jelly maker for sure.
.
After eating and napping, I realized that I had worked out for longer than it takes me to run a 50k (31 miles). It was a pseudo-50k-of-sorts. So that is my plan: 5 x 50k in 5 days. That is an endurance event beyond the box of what I have done so far.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Running the Heart Sutra
Walking on the tm tonight, I felt the need to retreat into nothing, yet work out in the nothingness. I believe I can go nowhere in my ultra-retreat. This is the heart sutra:
Body is nothing more than emptiness, emptiness is nothing more than body. The body is exactly empty, and emptiness is exactly body.
I have a new paradigm: the work out paradigm. Some people live in a paradigm were they run only for fitness or when they are training for a race, a goal, a purpose. People view aerobic activity as something only done within limits: those of injury, time, “balance” or “got tired of it.” But what if you lived in a paradigm where you could work out without injury for endlessly long periods of time. Is this heaven for you? It is for me. I finally see it. I have developed a method for continuous working out as long as fuel goes in. I like this. It is not a punishment or some method for “digging deep.” It’s just enjoyment of a state of being. It used to be “challenging myself.” Now it is the enjoyable norm.
So, in emptiness, there is no body, no feeling, no thought, no will, no consciousness.
In the solitude of working out in my living room or running endless laps in a tiny park, I get to the place of no consciousness; only being. In the state of pure being, Oneness is found and the innocence of Life is found.
In the old paradigm, you see a person running and running and think they are hurting. In the new one, it is painless, unlimited happiness. My 5 day ultra-retreat starts Wednesday after work.
Body is nothing more than emptiness, emptiness is nothing more than body. The body is exactly empty, and emptiness is exactly body.
I have a new paradigm: the work out paradigm. Some people live in a paradigm were they run only for fitness or when they are training for a race, a goal, a purpose. People view aerobic activity as something only done within limits: those of injury, time, “balance” or “got tired of it.” But what if you lived in a paradigm where you could work out without injury for endlessly long periods of time. Is this heaven for you? It is for me. I finally see it. I have developed a method for continuous working out as long as fuel goes in. I like this. It is not a punishment or some method for “digging deep.” It’s just enjoyment of a state of being. It used to be “challenging myself.” Now it is the enjoyable norm.
So, in emptiness, there is no body, no feeling, no thought, no will, no consciousness.
In the solitude of working out in my living room or running endless laps in a tiny park, I get to the place of no consciousness; only being. In the state of pure being, Oneness is found and the innocence of Life is found.
In the old paradigm, you see a person running and running and think they are hurting. In the new one, it is painless, unlimited happiness. My 5 day ultra-retreat starts Wednesday after work.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Finish the Ultra-retreat - Day 20
Shame on Microsoft: Explorer 8, uploaded today, won't let me copy and paste into Blogger.com!
The ultrarunning part of my retreat is over; now I will focus more on meditation and writing and thinking deeply. I simply must think deeply. I have this thing inside me, a force or a spirit or whatever, but I love it and I simply must be more and more quiet to experience this presence. I totally believe that it is in an egoless silence that I am able to touch my soul. Since the silence is egoless, the soul touching experience is very subtle, sublime, quiet. But I think I am addicted to it.
Yesterday, I ran 23 miles. Here are the results for the ultrarunning retreat:
Week 1: 88 miles jog/walk plus 24 miles walking = 112
Week 2: 112 miles jog/walk plus 19 miles walking = 131
Week 3, 5 days: 93 miles jog/walk plus 8 miles walking = 101
Total 344 miles
Today I woke up with fatigued legs. But, after coming home from the city and working in the yard for an hour and a half, I went for a 4 mile run. All systems felt well. No injuries from the ultrarunning. I am going to try to ease up to be fresh for the Psycho Psummer 50k next Saturday.
My ultra-retreat produced a quantum leap in my running. My running expanded to a higher orbital (check your college chemistry to figure what an orbital is). The self transcendence started as an idea in my mind. The expansive self transcendence idea is a universal idea, not specific to running. The quantum leap also shows in the expansion of love in my mind. The self transcendence came about from spiritual work, not the running itself. My spiritual work has been focused on love and giving up my ego in order to love. I changed my mind and then I could see a change in my running.
Self transcendence running is love because it is just about being. It was running for pure existence and pure existence is love. Love has no goal, no personal best, no Garmin or heart rate monitor. Love relentlessly pursues existence. Love is a phenomenon of peace. Peace is quiet; hence we return to that addictive quiet soul touching moment I mentioned first off in this blog.
A girl running around and around a park is a phenomenon of peace.
I rededicate my life to God. This rededication to God is a dedication to love; I absolutely insist on seeing only the love of God present in everyone. God is love, only created love and all we are is love. If you point to sin, I will tell you to take a deeper look at the lies your ego is telling you and stop believing they are real. Love is all there is.
The ultrarunning part of my retreat is over; now I will focus more on meditation and writing and thinking deeply. I simply must think deeply. I have this thing inside me, a force or a spirit or whatever, but I love it and I simply must be more and more quiet to experience this presence. I totally believe that it is in an egoless silence that I am able to touch my soul. Since the silence is egoless, the soul touching experience is very subtle, sublime, quiet. But I think I am addicted to it.
Yesterday, I ran 23 miles. Here are the results for the ultrarunning retreat:
Week 1: 88 miles jog/walk plus 24 miles walking = 112
Week 2: 112 miles jog/walk plus 19 miles walking = 131
Week 3, 5 days: 93 miles jog/walk plus 8 miles walking = 101
Total 344 miles
Today I woke up with fatigued legs. But, after coming home from the city and working in the yard for an hour and a half, I went for a 4 mile run. All systems felt well. No injuries from the ultrarunning. I am going to try to ease up to be fresh for the Psycho Psummer 50k next Saturday.
My ultra-retreat produced a quantum leap in my running. My running expanded to a higher orbital (check your college chemistry to figure what an orbital is). The self transcendence started as an idea in my mind. The expansive self transcendence idea is a universal idea, not specific to running. The quantum leap also shows in the expansion of love in my mind. The self transcendence came about from spiritual work, not the running itself. My spiritual work has been focused on love and giving up my ego in order to love. I changed my mind and then I could see a change in my running.
Self transcendence running is love because it is just about being. It was running for pure existence and pure existence is love. Love has no goal, no personal best, no Garmin or heart rate monitor. Love relentlessly pursues existence. Love is a phenomenon of peace. Peace is quiet; hence we return to that addictive quiet soul touching moment I mentioned first off in this blog.
A girl running around and around a park is a phenomenon of peace.
I rededicate my life to God. This rededication to God is a dedication to love; I absolutely insist on seeing only the love of God present in everyone. God is love, only created love and all we are is love. If you point to sin, I will tell you to take a deeper look at the lies your ego is telling you and stop believing they are real. Love is all there is.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ultra Retreat, Day 17 - Surprises
Day 17 of the retreat. I got in 15 miles.
100 days to Heartland Prairie 50 miler.
By surprises, I mean things happened which were out of my control. I usually figure they are gifts from God. Like yesterday, I locked my keys in my car; but a man I know gave me a ride home to get my spares and a ride back to where my car was. Or in the hardware store, the man gave me a lesson on what parts I needed and how to put them in. Or the really hard time I had getting some documents sent to a potential employer. Or the human resources lady I talked to yesterday. Or the recruiter I talked to this morning.
Today, I have a decent grasp on letting go and letting God. I have intuitions and other more obvious things put in front of me: just do them and let God worry about the rest.
Today is the anniversary of my death. On this day in 2001, I went running on a hot humid day with no water. I was actually planning to run until I dropped. Since I was in the country, I hoped nobody would find me and revive me. But after much screaming at God and 8 miles, I decided to go back and try life one more time.
Self Transcendence Race: Yesterday I covered 15 miles. This morning another 15; and I'll probably do more later.
How am I transcending? I am giving my fear to God. I am living more and more in a God reliant world and less in a world I can control. Transcendence is my journey, but in this race, I have no finish line, no mile markers, no awards. In my silence, blisters come and go. Tendons complain and then stop. I drink water. I have come to appreciate the purity of water. I think there is no better substance on earth. To drink it is to drink God direct.
100 days to Heartland Prairie 50 miler.
By surprises, I mean things happened which were out of my control. I usually figure they are gifts from God. Like yesterday, I locked my keys in my car; but a man I know gave me a ride home to get my spares and a ride back to where my car was. Or in the hardware store, the man gave me a lesson on what parts I needed and how to put them in. Or the really hard time I had getting some documents sent to a potential employer. Or the human resources lady I talked to yesterday. Or the recruiter I talked to this morning.
Today, I have a decent grasp on letting go and letting God. I have intuitions and other more obvious things put in front of me: just do them and let God worry about the rest.
Today is the anniversary of my death. On this day in 2001, I went running on a hot humid day with no water. I was actually planning to run until I dropped. Since I was in the country, I hoped nobody would find me and revive me. But after much screaming at God and 8 miles, I decided to go back and try life one more time.
Self Transcendence Race: Yesterday I covered 15 miles. This morning another 15; and I'll probably do more later.
How am I transcending? I am giving my fear to God. I am living more and more in a God reliant world and less in a world I can control. Transcendence is my journey, but in this race, I have no finish line, no mile markers, no awards. In my silence, blisters come and go. Tendons complain and then stop. I drink water. I have come to appreciate the purity of water. I think there is no better substance on earth. To drink it is to drink God direct.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Ultra-retreat - day 15
I just found out I won $300 at Maryville Marathon!
Every year, I notice that there are too many of some type of animal. Last year it was frogs. This year, I think there are way more bunny rabbits than usual. I cringe at how I will see them smashed on the road.
Lesson: "Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still."
Yesterday I mentioned letting go of control. That implied I was turning control over to God. Is it any wonder that I love A Course in Miracles for almost daily reminding me of God’s presence; and that all I need do is be quiet and listen to His Voice (instead of my ego voice). I would otherwise be panicked, as many are when they have no work.
Text 7.III:
- To be in the Kingdom is merely to focus your full attention on it.
- God has lit your mind Himself, and keeps your mind lit by His light because His light is what your mind is.
- Inspiration is of the Holy Spirit…He is in you…
What beautiful teachings Jesus had for me today. I really need to let God in, believe He is in my mind and my mind is in His.
During the run today, I thought a lot about the plumbing, the upcoming Psycho Psummer 50k and “is it ok for me to keep running like this?” I may shift my retreat more towards contemplation and taper for the Psycho. It is a grueling hot muddy race that will take me more than 8 hours to finish. I also need to plan a day for the plumbing (in case it takes me that long). I am able to fix the problem, but I usually have to make a trip to the hardware store right in the middle of everything.
Is it ok for me to keep running like this? Shoot! I can’t run like this to begin with. How it is that I am is beyond me. "Should I keep going?" may be a metaphysical question. Many laid off people are spending the summer carrying out their dreams. Running a self transcendence race is my dream. People do odd things over long periods of time to achieve a different reality than the everyday. I am changing my reality by running, silence and contemplation. I want to go down a layer of reality; to live outside the everyday illusion.
It is weird to finish off a 5 hour run in the hot sun, wishing you could keep going. My self transcendence is long and slow: not one humongous jolt, but daily mileage increases, drinks of water, electrolytes and peanut butter/honey sandwiches. Running down a long straight flat dirt road with corn fields on each side, deer flies attacking my legs, and sweat dripping down my face, IS the epitome of being as far as I’m concerned. This runner will win freedom from the ego norms and perceptions. This runner is my essence, pristine human elegance; the heart of my soul.
I spent a couple of hours a day directly on God when I was working. Now, I spend hours directly on God, but also spend the running time concentrating on the lesson. What a gob of time I don't spend on the ego world; but delving deeper into God. This is my addiction.
Now, I need to go think...
Every year, I notice that there are too many of some type of animal. Last year it was frogs. This year, I think there are way more bunny rabbits than usual. I cringe at how I will see them smashed on the road.
Lesson: "Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still."
Yesterday I mentioned letting go of control. That implied I was turning control over to God. Is it any wonder that I love A Course in Miracles for almost daily reminding me of God’s presence; and that all I need do is be quiet and listen to His Voice (instead of my ego voice). I would otherwise be panicked, as many are when they have no work.
Text 7.III:
- To be in the Kingdom is merely to focus your full attention on it.
- God has lit your mind Himself, and keeps your mind lit by His light because His light is what your mind is.
- Inspiration is of the Holy Spirit…He is in you…
What beautiful teachings Jesus had for me today. I really need to let God in, believe He is in my mind and my mind is in His.
During the run today, I thought a lot about the plumbing, the upcoming Psycho Psummer 50k and “is it ok for me to keep running like this?” I may shift my retreat more towards contemplation and taper for the Psycho. It is a grueling hot muddy race that will take me more than 8 hours to finish. I also need to plan a day for the plumbing (in case it takes me that long). I am able to fix the problem, but I usually have to make a trip to the hardware store right in the middle of everything.
Is it ok for me to keep running like this? Shoot! I can’t run like this to begin with. How it is that I am is beyond me. "Should I keep going?" may be a metaphysical question. Many laid off people are spending the summer carrying out their dreams. Running a self transcendence race is my dream. People do odd things over long periods of time to achieve a different reality than the everyday. I am changing my reality by running, silence and contemplation. I want to go down a layer of reality; to live outside the everyday illusion.
It is weird to finish off a 5 hour run in the hot sun, wishing you could keep going. My self transcendence is long and slow: not one humongous jolt, but daily mileage increases, drinks of water, electrolytes and peanut butter/honey sandwiches. Running down a long straight flat dirt road with corn fields on each side, deer flies attacking my legs, and sweat dripping down my face, IS the epitome of being as far as I’m concerned. This runner will win freedom from the ego norms and perceptions. This runner is my essence, pristine human elegance; the heart of my soul.
I spent a couple of hours a day directly on God when I was working. Now, I spend hours directly on God, but also spend the running time concentrating on the lesson. What a gob of time I don't spend on the ego world; but delving deeper into God. This is my addiction.
Now, I need to go think...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Ultra-retreat - Day 14
Today, I jog/walked 17 miles in the morning and walked 4 miles in the afternoon.
For the week, I jog/walked 112 miles and walked 19
For the ultra-retreat so far, 14 days: 243 miles
It is for self transcendence. I realize it is nonsense to spend time doing miles for no apparent reason; but that is part of the reason (allowing nonsense to rule my life). I am letting go of my mind's limits while I do miles. I don’t need to be socially acceptable right now, so I let the insanity surface and then let it go. When I was in college, my nick name was Spock. Now, I am letting the wild side out. Being free is the one thing I can afford right now. I think about my life. I think about society. I think about spirituality. All this thinking is a process of integration. As I walk along, some part of my brain sorts the pieces, leaves some in the dust, puts some together. I think about why I eagerly run some races and scoff at others. That is a microcosm of my life. To do these miles in solitude helps me hear the quieter voices.
All of my life, I have been in control. Now, I am looking for a job, but that is the only practical thing I am doing. Otherwise, it is sheer contemplation.
For the week, I jog/walked 112 miles and walked 19
For the ultra-retreat so far, 14 days: 243 miles
It is for self transcendence. I realize it is nonsense to spend time doing miles for no apparent reason; but that is part of the reason (allowing nonsense to rule my life). I am letting go of my mind's limits while I do miles. I don’t need to be socially acceptable right now, so I let the insanity surface and then let it go. When I was in college, my nick name was Spock. Now, I am letting the wild side out. Being free is the one thing I can afford right now. I think about my life. I think about society. I think about spirituality. All this thinking is a process of integration. As I walk along, some part of my brain sorts the pieces, leaves some in the dust, puts some together. I think about why I eagerly run some races and scoff at others. That is a microcosm of my life. To do these miles in solitude helps me hear the quieter voices.
All of my life, I have been in control. Now, I am looking for a job, but that is the only practical thing I am doing. Otherwise, it is sheer contemplation.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Day 13 - Something
I really really really want Something. I experienced that deep desire today and cried over it. I'm sure it is God (that sounds so hokey); but the desire is more easily understood if I call it Home. Home = God. I am running Home. Self transcendence leads to Home; or why bother?
And then I sit aghast and in silence; surrounded by that loving Presence which I call Jesus or Christ or Holy Spirit or Self. And I do not think but allow myself to be drowned or dissolved or permeated such that just the One remains as pure existence, being without measure, incomparable light.
I choke at the Call. I sob at the Gift. Gratitude doesn't come within a quantum of expressing Our Union. Is the Union a thing I feel? No. It is a thing I know. Do not mistake it for bliss or ecstasy. It is the result of sweat, horseflies, endless miles of hills in a sunny swelter (Mark Z., this is why you love the heat). It is the result of silence and one pointed thinking of the one Fact: I am God's Child. I am God's Creation. God is my Authority and the Author of my life.
I know in silent contemplation. I know in the footfalls on a cinder path. I know in the meager bowl of lentils and rice which is my reward.
Tomorrow I will run again!
Selah!
And then I sit aghast and in silence; surrounded by that loving Presence which I call Jesus or Christ or Holy Spirit or Self. And I do not think but allow myself to be drowned or dissolved or permeated such that just the One remains as pure existence, being without measure, incomparable light.
I choke at the Call. I sob at the Gift. Gratitude doesn't come within a quantum of expressing Our Union. Is the Union a thing I feel? No. It is a thing I know. Do not mistake it for bliss or ecstasy. It is the result of sweat, horseflies, endless miles of hills in a sunny swelter (Mark Z., this is why you love the heat). It is the result of silence and one pointed thinking of the one Fact: I am God's Child. I am God's Creation. God is my Authority and the Author of my life.
I know in silent contemplation. I know in the footfalls on a cinder path. I know in the meager bowl of lentils and rice which is my reward.
Tomorrow I will run again!
Selah!
Day 13 of Ultra-retreat – Outrageous
Spirit Flower, get out of here! Another 20 miles? Shish!
I got up at 3 and did my spiritual work. You would think an unemployed person would sleep in a lot more than I do; but so far at least half the time I'm up at 3, and up at 4 for the other half. Runners will do anything to get their run in. At 4:30, I went and ran 10 miles, all running, no walk/jog, 80F and humid. I was in a hurry because I needed to get to Kansas City by 8 am for a fellowship meeting. But, this run felt really good. I was surprised. I’m wondering why things weren’t hurting or stiff or something. The only excitement, sort of, was that on one little loop, there was a big dog laying by the side of the road, panting and gasping as if it was about to die. I decided to turn around and not mess with that dog. You never know what a gasping panting dog is really up to. The next lap, it wasn’t there.
I had some fresh juice for the car trip to KC. I got there in time to go to the coffee shop, buy some produce and get to the meeting on time. Besides the juice and coffee, I also had three pieces of bread and some spirulina/chlorella. That is all I ate until now, after my second run.
I made it back home at 11. Now it was 92F with a breeze, still humid. I decided to go ahead and tackle at least 2 hours of walk/jog, just to get my mind around the idea of running in the heat. I just took water, 2 S-caps and the emergency Gu. I really did well. I thought I should be much more tired or sore or something. I think Mark Z., Battlefield Running Blog http://battlefieldrunning.blogspot.com/, has infected me with his love for heat. The heat really wasn’t bad.
Total for the day: 20 miles
Total for the Ultra-retreat: 222 miles
The past few days I have been running around and around a hilly park. Some ask if that is boring. Routes don’t really matter to me because running is the activity, not site seeing. But running laps is like being in a monastic cell; and I lived in one for 4 years. By restricting the outer distractions, you are better able to go inside the mind. Thus, contemplation expands inward not outwards. The monk learns to go on journeys through the infinite inner but never leave his cell. When I have nothing going on to look at, I am very well focused on my spiritual/ metaphysical work. And you should know that this means I am not using my ego to think about anything. The inner landscape is silent. It is also pure joy, but not in a noisy sort of way.
From the Little Rule of St Romuald:
“Sit in your cell as in paradise;
put the whole world behind you and forget it…
…realize you are in God’s presence;
hold your heart there in wonder…
Empty yourself completely;
Sit waiting, content with God’s gift…
I got up at 3 and did my spiritual work. You would think an unemployed person would sleep in a lot more than I do; but so far at least half the time I'm up at 3, and up at 4 for the other half. Runners will do anything to get their run in. At 4:30, I went and ran 10 miles, all running, no walk/jog, 80F and humid. I was in a hurry because I needed to get to Kansas City by 8 am for a fellowship meeting. But, this run felt really good. I was surprised. I’m wondering why things weren’t hurting or stiff or something. The only excitement, sort of, was that on one little loop, there was a big dog laying by the side of the road, panting and gasping as if it was about to die. I decided to turn around and not mess with that dog. You never know what a gasping panting dog is really up to. The next lap, it wasn’t there.
I had some fresh juice for the car trip to KC. I got there in time to go to the coffee shop, buy some produce and get to the meeting on time. Besides the juice and coffee, I also had three pieces of bread and some spirulina/chlorella. That is all I ate until now, after my second run.
I made it back home at 11. Now it was 92F with a breeze, still humid. I decided to go ahead and tackle at least 2 hours of walk/jog, just to get my mind around the idea of running in the heat. I just took water, 2 S-caps and the emergency Gu. I really did well. I thought I should be much more tired or sore or something. I think Mark Z., Battlefield Running Blog http://battlefieldrunning.blogspot.com/, has infected me with his love for heat. The heat really wasn’t bad.
Total for the day: 20 miles
Total for the Ultra-retreat: 222 miles
The past few days I have been running around and around a hilly park. Some ask if that is boring. Routes don’t really matter to me because running is the activity, not site seeing. But running laps is like being in a monastic cell; and I lived in one for 4 years. By restricting the outer distractions, you are better able to go inside the mind. Thus, contemplation expands inward not outwards. The monk learns to go on journeys through the infinite inner but never leave his cell. When I have nothing going on to look at, I am very well focused on my spiritual/ metaphysical work. And you should know that this means I am not using my ego to think about anything. The inner landscape is silent. It is also pure joy, but not in a noisy sort of way.
From the Little Rule of St Romuald:
“Sit in your cell as in paradise;
put the whole world behind you and forget it…
…realize you are in God’s presence;
hold your heart there in wonder…
Empty yourself completely;
Sit waiting, content with God’s gift…
Friday, June 26, 2009
Spirit Flower’s Personal Self Transcendence Race, day 12
Day 12 walk/jog: 13.5 miles
Race mileage total (walk/jog and walking): 198 miles
Today I did it again. I thought that because yesterday was 20 miles in one jog/walk then I should ease up today. So I went to the park thinking I’d only stay about 2 to 2 ½ hours. I took only water, 1 S-cap and the 1 emergency Gu. After a brisk 30 minutes walking warm up, I felt ok. It was warm and probably 100% humidity because there was this fog everywhere. As it lightened up, the fog added a mystery to my run; the mystery of why and the mystery of ability.
Today’s lesson: Only my condemnation injures me. My early morning meditation had been about fear. I saw clearly how at least 90% of my thoughts are fear related, even down to fear of running injuries. I thought about how I myself had told someone that joy was the best injury prevention. I surely believe that thinking proceeds occurrence and my fear thoughts could be holding a running injury or running out of money due to unemployment. I realized that I wasn’t completely trusting the Holy Spirit; yet there I was completing another long run for the 12th day in a row when I previously had not had the capability. “Something” is showing me.
Then, the lesson kicked in. Is it not a wonderfully joyful thought: just stop condemning and I will stop injuring myself? It crossed my mind that I was out there on water alone, pretty much, so my source could only be Source. This is true: Source is source and nothing else. I thought about how the calorie count has gone down the past few days and wonder if I’m not switching more and more to Source as my source.
I am in a Personal Self Transcendence Race. I am not training for some future event. My race is going on right now. Transcendence is really a mental thing. That is, thinking some other way, with some non-ego part of the mind, under the Guidance of the Holy Spirit. If I change my thinking, I’ll see different things in my ego illusion I think is a real world. I really think that most human thought is not productive but especially harmful when it comes to each other. I personally am changing the way I think because I’m really sick of thinking attack thoughts and fear thoughts. Given the proper teaching and guidance and discipline and desire, thinking can be changed. The ultra-retreat is a race to change my thinking. Since I am not at work, I have time to work almost exclusively on this. The race takes place in the park with incredible daily mileage and on the internet with every search and submittal. It takes place when I listen to the news and when I sit on my cushion in silent meditation. I’ve been given a gift of time to do this race.
Most people think they are out of work due to the economic downturn. On the ego surface of my life, that is the excuse I use too. But inside my heart, I am sure I was given a gift, picked as it were, to spend time in intensive mental change. Source must be my source. The Holy Spirit must be my guide and friend in whom I trust. I am switching from an ego based thought system to the Holy Spirit’s thought system. In the spiritual thought system, God is only Love; every one is a creation of Love and nothing else (no matter what my worldly eyes see). I am free to behold the glory of Christ present everywhere.
After 2:10 hours, I still felt really good. I re-filled the Nathan with park water and took the emergency Gu and went for another 45 minute lap. If I had brought one more S-cap, I might have dared another lap.
Today’s lesson: Only my condemnation injures me. My early morning meditation had been about fear. I saw clearly how at least 90% of my thoughts are fear related, even down to fear of running injuries. I thought about how I myself had told someone that joy was the best injury prevention. I surely believe that thinking proceeds occurrence and my fear thoughts could be holding a running injury or running out of money due to unemployment. I realized that I wasn’t completely trusting the Holy Spirit; yet there I was completing another long run for the 12th day in a row when I previously had not had the capability. “Something” is showing me.
Then, the lesson kicked in. Is it not a wonderfully joyful thought: just stop condemning and I will stop injuring myself? It crossed my mind that I was out there on water alone, pretty much, so my source could only be Source. This is true: Source is source and nothing else. I thought about how the calorie count has gone down the past few days and wonder if I’m not switching more and more to Source as my source.
I am in a Personal Self Transcendence Race. I am not training for some future event. My race is going on right now. Transcendence is really a mental thing. That is, thinking some other way, with some non-ego part of the mind, under the Guidance of the Holy Spirit. If I change my thinking, I’ll see different things in my ego illusion I think is a real world. I really think that most human thought is not productive but especially harmful when it comes to each other. I personally am changing the way I think because I’m really sick of thinking attack thoughts and fear thoughts. Given the proper teaching and guidance and discipline and desire, thinking can be changed. The ultra-retreat is a race to change my thinking. Since I am not at work, I have time to work almost exclusively on this. The race takes place in the park with incredible daily mileage and on the internet with every search and submittal. It takes place when I listen to the news and when I sit on my cushion in silent meditation. I’ve been given a gift of time to do this race.
Most people think they are out of work due to the economic downturn. On the ego surface of my life, that is the excuse I use too. But inside my heart, I am sure I was given a gift, picked as it were, to spend time in intensive mental change. Source must be my source. The Holy Spirit must be my guide and friend in whom I trust. I am switching from an ego based thought system to the Holy Spirit’s thought system. In the spiritual thought system, God is only Love; every one is a creation of Love and nothing else (no matter what my worldly eyes see). I am free to behold the glory of Christ present everywhere.
After 2:10 hours, I still felt really good. I re-filled the Nathan with park water and took the emergency Gu and went for another 45 minute lap. If I had brought one more S-cap, I might have dared another lap.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Ultra retreat - Day 11, Awakening
Today’s lesson: It can be but my gratitude I earn.
I started off not knowing what this meant saying to Jesus, “gratitude confuses me.” Then I thought, “I blame ACIM for my unemployment.” That is, ACIM (A Course in Miracles) breaks the ego world’s rules, so the world punished me by having me laid off. I fear being in the world but outside it’s rules.
But Jesus says the world is grateful to me for the salvation work I’m doing. Here begins awakening: What if I changed my mind and decided the world was grateful to me for learning ACIM?
I became belligerent against my ego. Job or no job, the world is an illusion. Just dismiss the ego. Stop listening. Stop believing in it. Decide I don’t know what this situation is for. Here occurred an actual fluttering of eyelids to the light of the real world (not the ego world): What if I didn’t do anything wrong? What if nobody did anything wrong? This is self (ego) transcendence at its finest. It is the reason I came to my personal self transcendence race.
What if Self/Christ really is grateful for my attempts to awaken? Why was this an awakening? Because my thought about not doing anything wrong came spontaneously from inside a part of my mind which is not the ego part of my mind. I believe it to be a real thought, not an ego thought. It is the sort of thought that questions the ego propaganda about my body and this world being real and God hating me. Questioning the ego, with heartfelt authenticity, is the beginning of the end for the ego. It doesn’t have unquestioned power over my thinking and the Holy Spirit now does have influence.
Its like this: I think I am a piece of crap. Now, most people tell me that is silly. I’m nice and fun and smart and spiritual; and I shouldn’t think that. Last November when I was depressed, I can’t tell you how many fellowship members told me not to kill myself because they come early on Saturday mornings just to hear me! But I do think I am a piece of crap, and no matter what people say, I still think I’m a piece of crap. Thinking I am a piece of crap is insane thinking; and it is clearly ego thinking. The ego clearly wants me to think that. But…suddenly one day…what if I honestly asked the question: what if I’m not a piece of crap? Wouldn’t that change things? Well, yes it would. It has dawned on me that I might not be a piece of crap. In the same way, Jesus' teaching from ACIM dawns on me: what if I'm not really a separate being?
Jesus in ACIM tells us over and over: the separation never happened, you are only love, God is only love, this world is an illusion made by the ego that thinks it is separate from God. But until you are able to ask the question from deep in your heart instead of at a superficial, what Jesus says will more or less bounce off. Until I’m ready to honestly consider the possibility that I haven’t done anything wrong; hence there is no separation and I’ve accepted Atonement for myself, I can listen to Jesus but won't really believe him. I come to a place of joy: maybe I’m accepting Atonement for myself. Jesus says that the one responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept Atonement for themselves. What if I really can? I have evidence: I honestly questioned my ego.
What if my experience of world really is a bad dream and the truth about me is that I exist as pure love in the Heart of God who is also only pure love, pure existence? Seriously, what if that is true?
All is quiet. All is love. Peace be with you.
Off topic thought: I may actually be able to have a reality with no visible means of support and live as a full time hermit and metaphysicist. Talk about being outside the ego world's rules, this is way outside.
New topic: Personal Self Transcendence Race - Day 11 (wow!)
Today was a breakthru.
First, yesterday was not a breakthru. I was tired and wondering if my ultra retreat was not silly and I should do something else. I had a sore ankle (of all things) and decided to slack off. That meant, I walked the first two hours of my 14 mile jog/walk. I took it back to the hilly course because it was mostly dirt. Then in the afternoon, we had a torrential storm when I wanted to go for my walk so I walked on the tm for an hour.
Today, I woke up feeling great. I went back to the hilly course and jogged much more than yesterday. I thought I was feeling good enough to maybe go for five hours tomorrow, but after 3:40 hours today (already longer than I've been doing) I still felt good. I had a bottle of water to refill my nathan and one Gu (my emergency Gu) to "pay" for another 50 minutes. So...lets do it. I ended up with 20 miles (6 miles more than I have been doing).
This week, I decided to stop using Gu and Sports drink because it was too expensive and too wasteful. So I went to water, pb and honey sandwiches and 1 S-cap electrolyte. This has been working well. I use up about 2 liters of water for 3 1/2 hours.
I am doing this crazy multi-day run for self transcendence. I've had many interesting mental breakthrus. That I went farther today means that maybe my fitness is building and my project is headed in the right direction.
I started off not knowing what this meant saying to Jesus, “gratitude confuses me.” Then I thought, “I blame ACIM for my unemployment.” That is, ACIM (A Course in Miracles) breaks the ego world’s rules, so the world punished me by having me laid off. I fear being in the world but outside it’s rules.
But Jesus says the world is grateful to me for the salvation work I’m doing. Here begins awakening: What if I changed my mind and decided the world was grateful to me for learning ACIM?
I became belligerent against my ego. Job or no job, the world is an illusion. Just dismiss the ego. Stop listening. Stop believing in it. Decide I don’t know what this situation is for. Here occurred an actual fluttering of eyelids to the light of the real world (not the ego world): What if I didn’t do anything wrong? What if nobody did anything wrong? This is self (ego) transcendence at its finest. It is the reason I came to my personal self transcendence race.
What if Self/Christ really is grateful for my attempts to awaken? Why was this an awakening? Because my thought about not doing anything wrong came spontaneously from inside a part of my mind which is not the ego part of my mind. I believe it to be a real thought, not an ego thought. It is the sort of thought that questions the ego propaganda about my body and this world being real and God hating me. Questioning the ego, with heartfelt authenticity, is the beginning of the end for the ego. It doesn’t have unquestioned power over my thinking and the Holy Spirit now does have influence.
Its like this: I think I am a piece of crap. Now, most people tell me that is silly. I’m nice and fun and smart and spiritual; and I shouldn’t think that. Last November when I was depressed, I can’t tell you how many fellowship members told me not to kill myself because they come early on Saturday mornings just to hear me! But I do think I am a piece of crap, and no matter what people say, I still think I’m a piece of crap. Thinking I am a piece of crap is insane thinking; and it is clearly ego thinking. The ego clearly wants me to think that. But…suddenly one day…what if I honestly asked the question: what if I’m not a piece of crap? Wouldn’t that change things? Well, yes it would. It has dawned on me that I might not be a piece of crap. In the same way, Jesus' teaching from ACIM dawns on me: what if I'm not really a separate being?
Jesus in ACIM tells us over and over: the separation never happened, you are only love, God is only love, this world is an illusion made by the ego that thinks it is separate from God. But until you are able to ask the question from deep in your heart instead of at a superficial, what Jesus says will more or less bounce off. Until I’m ready to honestly consider the possibility that I haven’t done anything wrong; hence there is no separation and I’ve accepted Atonement for myself, I can listen to Jesus but won't really believe him. I come to a place of joy: maybe I’m accepting Atonement for myself. Jesus says that the one responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept Atonement for themselves. What if I really can? I have evidence: I honestly questioned my ego.
What if my experience of world really is a bad dream and the truth about me is that I exist as pure love in the Heart of God who is also only pure love, pure existence? Seriously, what if that is true?
All is quiet. All is love. Peace be with you.
Off topic thought: I may actually be able to have a reality with no visible means of support and live as a full time hermit and metaphysicist. Talk about being outside the ego world's rules, this is way outside.
New topic: Personal Self Transcendence Race - Day 11 (wow!)
Today was a breakthru.
First, yesterday was not a breakthru. I was tired and wondering if my ultra retreat was not silly and I should do something else. I had a sore ankle (of all things) and decided to slack off. That meant, I walked the first two hours of my 14 mile jog/walk. I took it back to the hilly course because it was mostly dirt. Then in the afternoon, we had a torrential storm when I wanted to go for my walk so I walked on the tm for an hour.
Today, I woke up feeling great. I went back to the hilly course and jogged much more than yesterday. I thought I was feeling good enough to maybe go for five hours tomorrow, but after 3:40 hours today (already longer than I've been doing) I still felt good. I had a bottle of water to refill my nathan and one Gu (my emergency Gu) to "pay" for another 50 minutes. So...lets do it. I ended up with 20 miles (6 miles more than I have been doing).
This week, I decided to stop using Gu and Sports drink because it was too expensive and too wasteful. So I went to water, pb and honey sandwiches and 1 S-cap electrolyte. This has been working well. I use up about 2 liters of water for 3 1/2 hours.
I am doing this crazy multi-day run for self transcendence. I've had many interesting mental breakthrus. That I went farther today means that maybe my fitness is building and my project is headed in the right direction.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Ultra-retreat Day 8
I got up at 3 am to do my morning meditation and then do the running starting at 5:30.
Thoughts from morning meditation:
- I can believe I am cared for, or be bitter.
- I can walk in love and gratitude, or fear. I can believe the Holy Spirit is my guide, or not. If I chose to follow the Holy Spirit, I can walk in love and gratitude. Otherwise, I’ve chosen to follow the ego and live in fear and hatred and anger.
- Dear Jesus, please purify my thinking.
- God placed “something” in my mind.
- I’ve decided to hear only one Voice, the Voice for God.
- I have to believe I hear the Voice and am guided by it, or else I am dead meat for the ego. If I believe I hear the Voice and am guided by It, wouldn’t I be grateful, happy and in love?
- My ego thinks these ideas about the Voice are stupid, Pollyann-ish, and naive. It is hard to choose the Voice because the world says it can’t be, you are wrong.
However, while I was out running, I was remarkably able to distinguish between the Voice and the ego’s attack thoughts. I was remarkably able to realize that God would not think like that and the change the thinking to the day’s lesson, or ask the Voice what it would be saying. I was remarkably capable of staying awake and keeping my thoughts from going unconscious and dwelling in hatred, fear or resentment.
While running, I wondered about my “crazy” plan to do a private self transcendence race. I realized I need to be patient. The running is changing me, but I don’t know how yet. I realized I fear it is sinful or somehow defying God to run like this everyday. Like, who do I think I am running with impunity. But, these fears eased as I chose to listen to the Voice and to walk in love.
I came home and right away mowed the lawn. Then, yipee, I got a shower. Yesterday, I had patched the tub and had to let it dry 24 hours; so my body was a little yucky.
After the shower, I was somewhat procrastinating getting busy with my job search. Then I thought, “Be excited about your own future and the good God has for you.” If I believed that wonderful things were sitting and waiting for me to do my part, wouldn’t I rush to do my part? Yes, so the problem is ambivalence: do I really believe I will be guided and helped? Then, I got busy and ended up spending nearly three hours working on one application without even realizing how long it took.
During my hour of silent meditation I thought: During meditation, if you listen only to the Voice, but you seemingly hear nothing, that is authentic. The Voice for God speaks quietly in my heart.
I have been eating a lot today. I may in a few moments go out on the back porch and walk on the treadmill. It is hot out there, but cooler than outside and I have a fan.
Thoughts from morning meditation:
- I can believe I am cared for, or be bitter.
- I can walk in love and gratitude, or fear. I can believe the Holy Spirit is my guide, or not. If I chose to follow the Holy Spirit, I can walk in love and gratitude. Otherwise, I’ve chosen to follow the ego and live in fear and hatred and anger.
- Dear Jesus, please purify my thinking.
- God placed “something” in my mind.
- I’ve decided to hear only one Voice, the Voice for God.
- I have to believe I hear the Voice and am guided by it, or else I am dead meat for the ego. If I believe I hear the Voice and am guided by It, wouldn’t I be grateful, happy and in love?
- My ego thinks these ideas about the Voice are stupid, Pollyann-ish, and naive. It is hard to choose the Voice because the world says it can’t be, you are wrong.
However, while I was out running, I was remarkably able to distinguish between the Voice and the ego’s attack thoughts. I was remarkably able to realize that God would not think like that and the change the thinking to the day’s lesson, or ask the Voice what it would be saying. I was remarkably capable of staying awake and keeping my thoughts from going unconscious and dwelling in hatred, fear or resentment.
While running, I wondered about my “crazy” plan to do a private self transcendence race. I realized I need to be patient. The running is changing me, but I don’t know how yet. I realized I fear it is sinful or somehow defying God to run like this everyday. Like, who do I think I am running with impunity. But, these fears eased as I chose to listen to the Voice and to walk in love.
I came home and right away mowed the lawn. Then, yipee, I got a shower. Yesterday, I had patched the tub and had to let it dry 24 hours; so my body was a little yucky.
After the shower, I was somewhat procrastinating getting busy with my job search. Then I thought, “Be excited about your own future and the good God has for you.” If I believed that wonderful things were sitting and waiting for me to do my part, wouldn’t I rush to do my part? Yes, so the problem is ambivalence: do I really believe I will be guided and helped? Then, I got busy and ended up spending nearly three hours working on one application without even realizing how long it took.
During my hour of silent meditation I thought: During meditation, if you listen only to the Voice, but you seemingly hear nothing, that is authentic. The Voice for God speaks quietly in my heart.
I have been eating a lot today. I may in a few moments go out on the back porch and walk on the treadmill. It is hot out there, but cooler than outside and I have a fan.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Ultra Retreat day 7
Today’s lesson 214: I place the future in the hands of God.
SF reflection: I just love being able to do this. I love how ACIM continually reminds me of God and to turn my life over. I am so happy when I do this. As a person in transition, I love working with God instead of listening to the news and being dejected.
“The past is gone; the future is not yet. Now am I freed from both. For what God gives can only be for good. And I accept but what He gives as what belongs to me.”
From Text 5.V:
V.7 Irrational thought is disordered thought. God Himself orders your thought because your thought was created by Him. Guilt feelings are always a sign that you do not know this. They also show that you believe you can think apart from God, and want to. … The purpose of the Atonement is to save the past in purified form only. If you accept the remedy for disordered thought, a remedy whose efficacy is beyond doubt, how can its symptoms remain?
V.8.4 What you want you expect.
VI.2.8 My (Jesus’) role is to unchain your will and set it free.
VII. 1.4 …you need merely cast your cares upon Him (God) because He careth for you.
VII. 5 Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations…6. …you must have already decided not to be wholly joyous if that is how you feel…you actively decided wrongly…Your part is merely to return your thinking to the point at which the error was made, and give it over to the Atonement in peace.
SF reflection: I spent my run working on the lesson and then deciding to be wholly joyous instead of worried about the future. In some ways, I don't know what joy is. But if I shut my mind up, I could sense a universal hymn of joy silently present everywhere. I could tap into that joy. I could ask Jesus what joy is or for help feeling it. Then I would feel a calm inside wherein rested an assurance of God's love and protection. Feeling safe, I felt joy. Knowing I'm protected doesn't mean I am special to God because God protects everyone. It is a matter of learning God's lessons and believing they are all good.
Also while running, I decided that I am a practicing spiritualist, metaphysicist, supported by God's Hands. I just am. I think I am so I am. A practicing spiritualist is what I've always wanted to be. This time of transition is provided for me to be intensive in my training and my practice. So there!
I am having a tiny bug invasion at my house: millions of little bugs. They don’t bite me but they are everywhere. So, I kill them. Clean them up. Bomb the house. Clean it up. And do it again if necessary. I asked God, “What am I learning from this?” Each of these bugs is a symbol of my negative ego doom and gloom thoughts. My killing and cleaning is the practice of turning these over to Jesus and then thinking with God, practicing forgiveness (seeing holiness, Christ presence and joy no matter what). I have millions of these thoughts and I’ll have to go through this procedure many times. But eventually, it won’t be a problem.
Hah! It is hot here. I continued my ultra-retreat today with 14 miles jog/walk in an 85 degF humid soup. One young doe observed very close to me. I applied for jobs online. Now, I need a nap. The high today is supposed to be 96 (ouch).
SF reflection: I just love being able to do this. I love how ACIM continually reminds me of God and to turn my life over. I am so happy when I do this. As a person in transition, I love working with God instead of listening to the news and being dejected.
“The past is gone; the future is not yet. Now am I freed from both. For what God gives can only be for good. And I accept but what He gives as what belongs to me.”
From Text 5.V:
V.7 Irrational thought is disordered thought. God Himself orders your thought because your thought was created by Him. Guilt feelings are always a sign that you do not know this. They also show that you believe you can think apart from God, and want to. … The purpose of the Atonement is to save the past in purified form only. If you accept the remedy for disordered thought, a remedy whose efficacy is beyond doubt, how can its symptoms remain?
V.8.4 What you want you expect.
VI.2.8 My (Jesus’) role is to unchain your will and set it free.
VII. 1.4 …you need merely cast your cares upon Him (God) because He careth for you.
VII. 5 Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations…6. …you must have already decided not to be wholly joyous if that is how you feel…you actively decided wrongly…Your part is merely to return your thinking to the point at which the error was made, and give it over to the Atonement in peace.
SF reflection: I spent my run working on the lesson and then deciding to be wholly joyous instead of worried about the future. In some ways, I don't know what joy is. But if I shut my mind up, I could sense a universal hymn of joy silently present everywhere. I could tap into that joy. I could ask Jesus what joy is or for help feeling it. Then I would feel a calm inside wherein rested an assurance of God's love and protection. Feeling safe, I felt joy. Knowing I'm protected doesn't mean I am special to God because God protects everyone. It is a matter of learning God's lessons and believing they are all good.
Also while running, I decided that I am a practicing spiritualist, metaphysicist, supported by God's Hands. I just am. I think I am so I am. A practicing spiritualist is what I've always wanted to be. This time of transition is provided for me to be intensive in my training and my practice. So there!
I am having a tiny bug invasion at my house: millions of little bugs. They don’t bite me but they are everywhere. So, I kill them. Clean them up. Bomb the house. Clean it up. And do it again if necessary. I asked God, “What am I learning from this?” Each of these bugs is a symbol of my negative ego doom and gloom thoughts. My killing and cleaning is the practice of turning these over to Jesus and then thinking with God, practicing forgiveness (seeing holiness, Christ presence and joy no matter what). I have millions of these thoughts and I’ll have to go through this procedure many times. But eventually, it won’t be a problem.
Hah! It is hot here. I continued my ultra-retreat today with 14 miles jog/walk in an 85 degF humid soup. One young doe observed very close to me. I applied for jobs online. Now, I need a nap. The high today is supposed to be 96 (ouch).
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Ultra retreat day 7, am
Lesson 213: All things are lessons God would have me learn.
“A lesson is a miracle which God offers to me, in place of thoughts I made that hurt me…”
Text 5.IV and V:
- …hold nothing against him (your brother), or you hold it against yourself…
SF's reflection: This is very valuable to remember when I want to resent my former boss or anyone that has a job.
- I (Jesus) place the peace of God in your heart and in your hands, to hold and share. The heart is pure to hold it…My (Jesus’) judgment is as strong as the wisdom of God, in Whose Heart and Hands we have our being…The Thoughts of God are with you.
SF’s reflection: This is very valuable because I need to remember my holiness and the presence of God. I am not alone or uncared for or unloved.
- The ego’s purpose is fear…
SF’s reflection: I need this information when I am afraid. Feeling fear means I have forgotten God and am listening to my ego berate me and hurt me. I don’t need to be beaten down.
- The ego is the symbol of the separation…the symbol of guilt…a fearful thought…
SF’s reflection: Feeling the ego’s fear and accusations of what a bad person I am, I remember that none of it is true. There can be no separation from God; that is insane. I need Jesus’ help to return to my right mind, but the opportunity is there.
- Whatever you accept into your mind has reality for you…you must learn to think with God.
SF’s reflection: When I think there are no jobs and that nothing good will ever happen to me, it is because I chose to believe the yammering of the ego world. I am not thinking with God and it is time to choose again.
- The ego believes that by punishing itself it will mitigate the punishment of God.
SF’s reflection: The ego came into being as a thought that wanted to be separate from God and therefore individual. The ego also feels guilty for fabricating this dream of individual existence apart from God. The ego part of me believes that losing my job is a punishment I’ve accepted in order to avoid God’s punishment. I’ll never see the free gifts of enlightenment and well being offered during this time as long as I believe the ego.
SF’s reflection: We are not separate from God, but are dreaming that we are. The ego makes the dream in order for it to have existence separate from God. The ego feels guilty for stealing its existence from God and its thought system proceeds from this guilt. The world is my projection of the guilt I feel. Oh man, it is so easy for me to think my job loss and the economic downturn are self punishment for guilt. But really, they are for learning that God loves me and “Something” cares for me. I am always safe in IT’s hands. It is easy to say, “Jesus loves me;” but to mean it, to really know it, that is different. It is easy to talk about how meaningless money and material stuff is as long as you can pay for yours; but to live the journey of letting go and finding the Higher Thing, that is something different. I am given the gift of finding the Higher Thing. I bow before it. It is actually the holiness of everyone in the world, the Sonship. We were all created by God, though not physically, but God is present in each and it is this I bow before.
If I am learning anything from being unemployed, it is: God loves me and will help me. I cannot lose hope in God. There is a storefront for me. I am not limited. I cannot keep assuming that only bad things are going to happen. I have to remember I’ve always been cared for in the past.
110 days to Heartland Prairie
Results for first week of ultra-retreat:
- Miles at jog/walk speed in the morning = 88
- Miles walking in the afternoon = 25
Today, I did exactly the same route as Friday, only 15 minutes faster; without pushing anything.
Daily schedule for week two (hot weather):
4 to 6 Study ACIM, make juice
6 to 9:30 Weights and jog/walk
9:30 to 10 Shower
10 to 1 eat, take care of business, write
1 to 2 Silent meditation
2 to 3 Chores
3 to 5 Walk
5 to 8 eat, write, study
No, I don't know where I am going or what good this exactly is. But I have concluded that I will have help from a bigger mind than mine. I am always cared for and I am right now. I have no limits on what it is I'll be doing in the future. But, I need to give that bigger mind a chance to correct a few flaws in my thinking before I move on.
“A lesson is a miracle which God offers to me, in place of thoughts I made that hurt me…”
Text 5.IV and V:
- …hold nothing against him (your brother), or you hold it against yourself…
SF's reflection: This is very valuable to remember when I want to resent my former boss or anyone that has a job.
- I (Jesus) place the peace of God in your heart and in your hands, to hold and share. The heart is pure to hold it…My (Jesus’) judgment is as strong as the wisdom of God, in Whose Heart and Hands we have our being…The Thoughts of God are with you.
SF’s reflection: This is very valuable because I need to remember my holiness and the presence of God. I am not alone or uncared for or unloved.
- The ego’s purpose is fear…
SF’s reflection: I need this information when I am afraid. Feeling fear means I have forgotten God and am listening to my ego berate me and hurt me. I don’t need to be beaten down.
- The ego is the symbol of the separation…the symbol of guilt…a fearful thought…
SF’s reflection: Feeling the ego’s fear and accusations of what a bad person I am, I remember that none of it is true. There can be no separation from God; that is insane. I need Jesus’ help to return to my right mind, but the opportunity is there.
- Whatever you accept into your mind has reality for you…you must learn to think with God.
SF’s reflection: When I think there are no jobs and that nothing good will ever happen to me, it is because I chose to believe the yammering of the ego world. I am not thinking with God and it is time to choose again.
- The ego believes that by punishing itself it will mitigate the punishment of God.
SF’s reflection: The ego came into being as a thought that wanted to be separate from God and therefore individual. The ego also feels guilty for fabricating this dream of individual existence apart from God. The ego part of me believes that losing my job is a punishment I’ve accepted in order to avoid God’s punishment. I’ll never see the free gifts of enlightenment and well being offered during this time as long as I believe the ego.
SF’s reflection: We are not separate from God, but are dreaming that we are. The ego makes the dream in order for it to have existence separate from God. The ego feels guilty for stealing its existence from God and its thought system proceeds from this guilt. The world is my projection of the guilt I feel. Oh man, it is so easy for me to think my job loss and the economic downturn are self punishment for guilt. But really, they are for learning that God loves me and “Something” cares for me. I am always safe in IT’s hands. It is easy to say, “Jesus loves me;” but to mean it, to really know it, that is different. It is easy to talk about how meaningless money and material stuff is as long as you can pay for yours; but to live the journey of letting go and finding the Higher Thing, that is something different. I am given the gift of finding the Higher Thing. I bow before it. It is actually the holiness of everyone in the world, the Sonship. We were all created by God, though not physically, but God is present in each and it is this I bow before.
If I am learning anything from being unemployed, it is: God loves me and will help me. I cannot lose hope in God. There is a storefront for me. I am not limited. I cannot keep assuming that only bad things are going to happen. I have to remember I’ve always been cared for in the past.
110 days to Heartland Prairie
Results for first week of ultra-retreat:
- Miles at jog/walk speed in the morning = 88
- Miles walking in the afternoon = 25
Today, I did exactly the same route as Friday, only 15 minutes faster; without pushing anything.
Daily schedule for week two (hot weather):
4 to 6 Study ACIM, make juice
6 to 9:30 Weights and jog/walk
9:30 to 10 Shower
10 to 1 eat, take care of business, write
1 to 2 Silent meditation
2 to 3 Chores
3 to 5 Walk
5 to 8 eat, write, study
No, I don't know where I am going or what good this exactly is. But I have concluded that I will have help from a bigger mind than mine. I am always cared for and I am right now. I have no limits on what it is I'll be doing in the future. But, I need to give that bigger mind a chance to correct a few flaws in my thinking before I move on.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Ultra-retreat Day 6
I was up at 3 this morning. During my spiritual study, I said to Jesus, “I believe I am an idiot.” That is, I am unemployed and spending my time running 4 hours a day. That is idiotic. The gift however, is the processing I do in this spare time. Part of the beauty of an “ultra-retreat” is to listen to all the junk in my head so I can get it out; stop giving it power over me. The retreat is a picture frame of what we all think, but don't have time to do anything about, so we push it down to the unconscious.
At 4:10, I left for Parkville and ran 10 miles once I got there. Then, I zipped to the grocery store and made it to the fellowship meeting by 8 am.
The fellowship meeting was on fear. So many there discussed financial insecurity and how we deal with our thoughts and trust God; and let go of the material things. God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Coming home, eating, I had this to say, “Dear Jesus, I am in your hands. I have fear of the unknown. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which doors are open. I feel like a failure.”
Then I went to the door and put on my shoes. I thought, “God hates me.” This thought was an honest deep down disclosure, honestly said to Jesus. I think everyone thinks this, but few are able to consciously experience it.
Then I went for a 7 mile walk/jog. I was thinking about the high price of going to the Boston Marathon. I was thinking about the security guard job I could get at a children’s hospital. I am wondering what is really important to me. Why would I go to Boston, other than I can, or to have a souvenir which I could show to everyone. I need to go deeper into who I am. This brought up the other part of today’s lesson, “I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me.”
I was thinking about the meeting on fear. I realized the fear didn’t start at the material level. It starts at some other level. I thought about my thought, “God hates me.” I realized I am very close to where Jesus wants me to get when I am a serious Course student. The only real fear is fear of God. I think God hates me, and I made the gut level admission. From there, its not too hard to admit I am afraid of Him. This is the root of the fear. But I went toe to toe with Jesus, looked him in the eye and told him I think God hates me. Jesus can shine his light on this and heal it.
I assume I am afraid of God. It makes logical sense. But I haven’t felt it. It is still disassociated. Studying the Course, I know that Jesus will take me by the hand and gently lead me through the fear. The main thing is that I be willing to go with him. God doesn’t hate me and there is nothing to be afraid of; the fear of God is my insanity.
If I was not experiencing the “economic downturn” as one of the unemployed, I wouldn’t be doing the work to dig out my fear. What I see in the world is the projection of my fear. I am on the way to having it healed. This is a good thing. Because of this possibility, I think I chose, at the spiritual level, to be laid off. I am willing to go through the fear so others don’t have to.
This is the Course: look at the world and realize it is a projection/illusion of your own thoughts. Take responsibility and give it to Jesus. He will help you have different dreams. Spending all this time looking at my thoughts and giving them to Jesus is the truth of how I am spending my time while I am unemployed. This unraveling of ego thoughts is necessary in order for me to live at the level of spirit instead of ego. I want to listen to the Voice for God instead of the ego. All this thinking is a practice in discernment.
“Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.” (ACIM Text 1.I.7)
At 4:10, I left for Parkville and ran 10 miles once I got there. Then, I zipped to the grocery store and made it to the fellowship meeting by 8 am.
The fellowship meeting was on fear. So many there discussed financial insecurity and how we deal with our thoughts and trust God; and let go of the material things. God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Coming home, eating, I had this to say, “Dear Jesus, I am in your hands. I have fear of the unknown. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which doors are open. I feel like a failure.”
Then I went to the door and put on my shoes. I thought, “God hates me.” This thought was an honest deep down disclosure, honestly said to Jesus. I think everyone thinks this, but few are able to consciously experience it.
Then I went for a 7 mile walk/jog. I was thinking about the high price of going to the Boston Marathon. I was thinking about the security guard job I could get at a children’s hospital. I am wondering what is really important to me. Why would I go to Boston, other than I can, or to have a souvenir which I could show to everyone. I need to go deeper into who I am. This brought up the other part of today’s lesson, “I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me.”
I was thinking about the meeting on fear. I realized the fear didn’t start at the material level. It starts at some other level. I thought about my thought, “God hates me.” I realized I am very close to where Jesus wants me to get when I am a serious Course student. The only real fear is fear of God. I think God hates me, and I made the gut level admission. From there, its not too hard to admit I am afraid of Him. This is the root of the fear. But I went toe to toe with Jesus, looked him in the eye and told him I think God hates me. Jesus can shine his light on this and heal it.
I assume I am afraid of God. It makes logical sense. But I haven’t felt it. It is still disassociated. Studying the Course, I know that Jesus will take me by the hand and gently lead me through the fear. The main thing is that I be willing to go with him. God doesn’t hate me and there is nothing to be afraid of; the fear of God is my insanity.
If I was not experiencing the “economic downturn” as one of the unemployed, I wouldn’t be doing the work to dig out my fear. What I see in the world is the projection of my fear. I am on the way to having it healed. This is a good thing. Because of this possibility, I think I chose, at the spiritual level, to be laid off. I am willing to go through the fear so others don’t have to.
This is the Course: look at the world and realize it is a projection/illusion of your own thoughts. Take responsibility and give it to Jesus. He will help you have different dreams. Spending all this time looking at my thoughts and giving them to Jesus is the truth of how I am spending my time while I am unemployed. This unraveling of ego thoughts is necessary in order for me to live at the level of spirit instead of ego. I want to listen to the Voice for God instead of the ego. All this thinking is a practice in discernment.
“Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.” (ACIM Text 1.I.7)
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