Day 3 of Aravaipa Strong virtual 10 day race. I'm going for 100 miles and a belt buckle. As day 3 comes to a close, I have 62.9 miles. Tomorrow will be a shorter day.
I haven't been to work or any fellowship meetings since. March 18, a little over a month ago. The people I see are those who use the trails or those in grocery stores. I have had about 5 telephone conversations. I have attended to 13 hours of Abraham Now. Since March 18, I have run 384 miles. You can see that the virtual race is only a melding in to miles I was going to do anyway.
I have for most of my life been a solitary, but never has the needle been closer to 100% for so many days. Never have I shut off the alarm clock for that many days. There has been hours of reflection on my life and my spiritual connection. Contemplative prayer and running are obvious threads running through my entire life. Here in isolation, the two threads entwine, back and forth. My isolation is not about staying busy but about existing as being and relishing how bare my consciousness can be. Who I really am becomes more and more obvious, but also has fewer words with which to explain it. Fewer words because my place in society is gone. There is no mirror. No position.
I watch my thoughts from the moment of awakening to sleep. I watch my thoughts as I run.
This morning, I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to do it. But I thought I would like to do prayer miles. Prayer miles are those miles done in contemplation. I chose a long bike path through a forest, strapped on my hydro-pak, and disappeared down the trail for 3 hours. Came home. Ate. Disappeared onto another bike path for two hours.
My life consists of many many prayer miles. All of my activities, working or otherwise, are prayer miles.
I've changed during this period. I rediscovered the joy of drinking cold milk right from the gallon jug. Said good-bye to soy milk.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Outrage Transformed to Prayer
I have been working on my psychological issues the past month or so. I've made progress in becoming conscious of how co-dependence feels. Now that I know how it feels, I know when I am sinking into it and about to NEED remediation. Since I am now aware, the remediation doesn't have to be unconscious reacting but conscious self care.
And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I've been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.
And, throughout my life, I've looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn't happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.
So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.
What do "I" want? What would I say if I wasn't reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.
And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I've been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.
And, throughout my life, I've looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn't happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.
So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.
What do "I" want? What would I say if I wasn't reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Christmas in the World
I sit here in my quiet abode. At 8:30 am, I hear a fire engine. I realize I'll be hearing that siren for several hours. Annually, the city sends round the fire truck with Santa. This takes all morning.
I woke up pondering quandary. I don't participate in Christmas because I am in ethical disagreement with the activities. This year, the last department meeting is combined with a Christmas party. Do I incur disapproval by not going? Do I go and be a good girl.
I close my eyes. Shakespeare crosses my mind,"To thine own self be true." Sanskrit crosses my mind, "Namaste." In the prayerful darkness beyond my eye balls, I bow before the Son of God and His magnificence. Not Jesus, but Life Itself extended from God and residing in us. This Life is our true self and true identity.
I don't know whether I'll go to the party. I will bow down. It is the only way for me to do life.
Now, to Brummerhop park for laps.
Here is a bonus treat for today, a quote from Merton:
"The world of men has forgotten the joys of silence, the peace of solitude which is necessary, to some extent, for the fullness of human living. Not all men are called to be hermits, but all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally. When that inner voice is not heard, when man cannot attain to the spiritual peace that comes from being perfectly at one with his own true self, his life is always miserable and exhausting. For he cannot go on happily for long unless he is in contact with the springs of spiritual life which are hidden in the depths of his own soul. If man is constantly exiled from his own home, locked out of his own spiritual solitude, he ceases to be a true person. He no longer lives as a man. He becomes a kind of automaton, living without joy because he has lost his spontaneity. He is no longer moved from within, but only from outside himself."
I woke up pondering quandary. I don't participate in Christmas because I am in ethical disagreement with the activities. This year, the last department meeting is combined with a Christmas party. Do I incur disapproval by not going? Do I go and be a good girl.
I close my eyes. Shakespeare crosses my mind,"To thine own self be true." Sanskrit crosses my mind, "Namaste." In the prayerful darkness beyond my eye balls, I bow before the Son of God and His magnificence. Not Jesus, but Life Itself extended from God and residing in us. This Life is our true self and true identity.
I don't know whether I'll go to the party. I will bow down. It is the only way for me to do life.
Now, to Brummerhop park for laps.
Here is a bonus treat for today, a quote from Merton:
"The world of men has forgotten the joys of silence, the peace of solitude which is necessary, to some extent, for the fullness of human living. Not all men are called to be hermits, but all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally. When that inner voice is not heard, when man cannot attain to the spiritual peace that comes from being perfectly at one with his own true self, his life is always miserable and exhausting. For he cannot go on happily for long unless he is in contact with the springs of spiritual life which are hidden in the depths of his own soul. If man is constantly exiled from his own home, locked out of his own spiritual solitude, he ceases to be a true person. He no longer lives as a man. He becomes a kind of automaton, living without joy because he has lost his spontaneity. He is no longer moved from within, but only from outside himself."
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Choose the Spark of Beauty
This.
This morning, I was studying chapter 17.IV in A Course in Miracles text. Here is the part that inspired me: "Let Him [Holy Spirit] uncover the spark of beauty in your relationships, and show it to you...It is still up to you to choose to join with truth or with illusion. But remember that to choose one is to let the other go. Which one you choose you will endow you with beauty and reality, because the choice depends on which you value more...the spark of beauty or the veil of ugliness..."
I thought about how I didn't hate my boss this week and how many people texted me on my anniversary. I decided to allow the love that had been present; which is to choose the spark of beauty I had been shown.
After this, did I become insane? Here's my story.
Earlier this week, I got an e-mail about a new 24 hour event in Houston in December. (I went in a 50k there last year). So, I would really like to walk 24 hours. And my new shoe design might allow for a "Kinhin" Zen walk for 24 hours. I'm after the meditation side, not the distance side mind you. I mentioned it to a guy at work. He said he'd be happy to hand me cups of water and drive my butt home. (Transportation could be an issue after being up all night.)
This morning was my usual Saturday struggle to get out of bed. The only reason to get up early is to run before temps rise above 90F. As a walker however, it doesn't really matter. So I slept until 7. Then, I did my spiritual study, prayed about the December 24 hour run. I heard rumbles outside, but I decided to go for a short walk in El Lago and test the shoe.
The first 50 feet out the door, I'm thinking I'll drop down to the half marathon for the Nebraska race in 3 weeks. See, the modified shoe won't work in Nebraska on a hilly dirt course. Depressing.
50 feet later, another thought shot across my mind. Well, you could go to St Louis since you are already entered in that 12 hour run.
I shook my fist at the sky. "G-d dammit, that is the exact opposite thought from what I wanted!"
During the first mile of my walk in El Lago, I saw the faint trace of a rainbow. An omen? Was God speaking? It poured on me twice during the first 2 hours; but since this is Houston in August, it is always at least 80F. If you get wet, no big deal.
I thought about the 12 hour race in St Louis. It makes a ton of sense. Before dreaming of a 24 hour race, why not see how 12 hours go? And the course in Fenton (St Louis) is perfect for my shoe. The driving is about the same as if I went to Nebraska. I already know some people who will be walking in Fenton. No time pressure for a 12 hour time period. It fits the scope of meditative walking (not racing).
So, crap. I think I'll go to Fenton.
Today, I walked 4 hours in my shoe. I came home once to modify it and finally stopped at 4 hours cuz I needed to modify again and I realized that the thicker sock was tearing up one of my little toes. Fang (one of the heel spurs) was quiet today. The only problem was the back of the shoe heel wasn't short enough and kept banging into the bottom of my heel and hurting it (4 hours of that really was enough). So, I have 3 weeks to get the shoe right. I don't even have to decide for sure until that week so I can shift my hotels around. But, I think Fenton will be much better for me.
I'll try again with the shoe tomorrow.
This morning, I was studying chapter 17.IV in A Course in Miracles text. Here is the part that inspired me: "Let Him [Holy Spirit] uncover the spark of beauty in your relationships, and show it to you...It is still up to you to choose to join with truth or with illusion. But remember that to choose one is to let the other go. Which one you choose you will endow you with beauty and reality, because the choice depends on which you value more...the spark of beauty or the veil of ugliness..."
I thought about how I didn't hate my boss this week and how many people texted me on my anniversary. I decided to allow the love that had been present; which is to choose the spark of beauty I had been shown.
After this, did I become insane? Here's my story.
Earlier this week, I got an e-mail about a new 24 hour event in Houston in December. (I went in a 50k there last year). So, I would really like to walk 24 hours. And my new shoe design might allow for a "Kinhin" Zen walk for 24 hours. I'm after the meditation side, not the distance side mind you. I mentioned it to a guy at work. He said he'd be happy to hand me cups of water and drive my butt home. (Transportation could be an issue after being up all night.)
This morning was my usual Saturday struggle to get out of bed. The only reason to get up early is to run before temps rise above 90F. As a walker however, it doesn't really matter. So I slept until 7. Then, I did my spiritual study, prayed about the December 24 hour run. I heard rumbles outside, but I decided to go for a short walk in El Lago and test the shoe.
The first 50 feet out the door, I'm thinking I'll drop down to the half marathon for the Nebraska race in 3 weeks. See, the modified shoe won't work in Nebraska on a hilly dirt course. Depressing.
50 feet later, another thought shot across my mind. Well, you could go to St Louis since you are already entered in that 12 hour run.
I shook my fist at the sky. "G-d dammit, that is the exact opposite thought from what I wanted!"
During the first mile of my walk in El Lago, I saw the faint trace of a rainbow. An omen? Was God speaking? It poured on me twice during the first 2 hours; but since this is Houston in August, it is always at least 80F. If you get wet, no big deal.
I thought about the 12 hour race in St Louis. It makes a ton of sense. Before dreaming of a 24 hour race, why not see how 12 hours go? And the course in Fenton (St Louis) is perfect for my shoe. The driving is about the same as if I went to Nebraska. I already know some people who will be walking in Fenton. No time pressure for a 12 hour time period. It fits the scope of meditative walking (not racing).
So, crap. I think I'll go to Fenton.
Today, I walked 4 hours in my shoe. I came home once to modify it and finally stopped at 4 hours cuz I needed to modify again and I realized that the thicker sock was tearing up one of my little toes. Fang (one of the heel spurs) was quiet today. The only problem was the back of the shoe heel wasn't short enough and kept banging into the bottom of my heel and hurting it (4 hours of that really was enough). So, I have 3 weeks to get the shoe right. I don't even have to decide for sure until that week so I can shift my hotels around. But, I think Fenton will be much better for me.
I'll try again with the shoe tomorrow.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Ready Freddie
Yesterday, I did a 25 mile jog/walk. In the evening, I did some free weights and another 25 min of elliptical. The last 25 mile run I did was 3 weeks ago. Last weekend, I had a 3 day training extravaganza. This week, I had a bit of a cut back recovery week (only 47 miles).
Thats the background. Today, I only did 10.1 miles, mostly walking with numerous fast pickups. I felt much better than after my last 25 mile run. I like looking at my garmin during a pickup and seeing 8 min/mile in the instantaneous speed box. I'll probably do a bit more workout this evening.
All this is to say that I think I'll do fine at my 50k race in 2 weeks. I haven't done a 50k since last September in Silverton, CO.
I entered the Frisco 50 because I wanted to remember what it feels like to go that far. I don't have the mental fortitude to do it by myself. I am familiar with this course and the location is easy and cheap on Southwest Airlines. I am signed up for a couple of 12 hour runs in the fall, but before I buy any airplane tickets for them, I need to feel the 50k.
I think ultra running is a sport that comes from a different place than marathoning. My mentality for this is very different than when I am training for a marathon. I seek the quality of endlessness, not speed.
I am reading "The Song of Prayer," a supplement to A Course in Miracles. Here is my psalm:
Let prayer but leave the ground where it begins
to rise to God and true humility
will come to grace the mind that prayed.
The only way I survived 4 years in a convent was to remember all day one line from the rule of Benedict: I am a worm and no man. The only way I survive in daily life as an engineer is to remember humility. When I place myself below, and take my dog out of the race and surrender to God, things go well. That is all I care about.
Thats the background. Today, I only did 10.1 miles, mostly walking with numerous fast pickups. I felt much better than after my last 25 mile run. I like looking at my garmin during a pickup and seeing 8 min/mile in the instantaneous speed box. I'll probably do a bit more workout this evening.
All this is to say that I think I'll do fine at my 50k race in 2 weeks. I haven't done a 50k since last September in Silverton, CO.
I entered the Frisco 50 because I wanted to remember what it feels like to go that far. I don't have the mental fortitude to do it by myself. I am familiar with this course and the location is easy and cheap on Southwest Airlines. I am signed up for a couple of 12 hour runs in the fall, but before I buy any airplane tickets for them, I need to feel the 50k.
I think ultra running is a sport that comes from a different place than marathoning. My mentality for this is very different than when I am training for a marathon. I seek the quality of endlessness, not speed.
I am reading "The Song of Prayer," a supplement to A Course in Miracles. Here is my psalm:
Let prayer but leave the ground where it begins
to rise to God and true humility
will come to grace the mind that prayed.
The only way I survived 4 years in a convent was to remember all day one line from the rule of Benedict: I am a worm and no man. The only way I survive in daily life as an engineer is to remember humility. When I place myself below, and take my dog out of the race and surrender to God, things go well. That is all I care about.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Dream of Endless Running
Running is freedom from ego bondage and the shaping of character. It enables being soul.
I don't take a day off running/exercise because it is a spiritual practice. It is training in non-decision; that is I already decided to pursue Spirit, so no more decisions are needed. It is being; that is, it is constant. It denies sloth and keeps the pattern of degenerative society at bay. It is a maintenance of solitude. It is a practice and prayer of eternity. My dream of endless running is eternal love.
It is Monday morning. I was up at 3:12. A line of ferocious thunder storms just passed over head. But, now, it is over and I can go out for a run. See you later.
I don't take a day off running/exercise because it is a spiritual practice. It is training in non-decision; that is I already decided to pursue Spirit, so no more decisions are needed. It is being; that is, it is constant. It denies sloth and keeps the pattern of degenerative society at bay. It is a maintenance of solitude. It is a practice and prayer of eternity. My dream of endless running is eternal love.
It is Monday morning. I was up at 3:12. A line of ferocious thunder storms just passed over head. But, now, it is over and I can go out for a run. See you later.
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Yes Prayer
Umm...yes. Just say yes.
If you want to complicate it, say "yes love."
Why? Because if your life is a conscious spiritual journey, then everything has a spiritual meaning and I want all of it.
If you want to complicate it, say "yes love."
Why? Because if your life is a conscious spiritual journey, then everything has a spiritual meaning and I want all of it.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Ordinary Person's Spirituality
I was born an ordinary person. I have no outstanding talents; I mean stuff way way beyond the norm. But I am above average in a number of ways and I've managed to keep from deteriorating under the effects of dissipative American culture.
At the ripe young age of 22, I suddenly became interested in God. I am not highly gifted in spiritual attunement; but I am very persevering.
I've learned that all my personal efforts to attain God consciousness may have prepared me somewhat, but that God or Spirit or soul/Self are really doing the work. My efforts are mainly ego efforts; combined with ego deflation. I cherish ego deflation as it gives me a new clarity for spiritual progress. My Vancouver marathon was ego deflation. My next marathon, Hawk marathon, will also be such.
The fact that I have to go to work and get along with others is ego deflating. Seeking stillness is ego surrender. Prayer is joining soul/Self in divinity. It is Grace to which I offer my ego for correction that I may live as spirit. This is my simple spiritual life. Over and over. Day after day. Nothing more but also nothing less.
There are some great prayers for surrendering the ego and thus passing into God consciousness.
From ACIM: This holy instant would I give to You. Be Thou in charge for I would follow You; certain that Your direction gives me peace.
From AA:
I also recently read of a meditation method which involves meditating on a blue cross, then a golden triangle, then a silver star. I noticed that in turning to these shapes in time of mental turmoil, I am immediately at peace. Turning to prayer in times of turmoil is an act of ego renunciation, surrender to Grace.
I am an ordinary person. While I am not really making much progress towards enlightenment in this life, I refuse to give up and am certain that the future brings God consciousness.
Vancouver marathon before and after:
At the ripe young age of 22, I suddenly became interested in God. I am not highly gifted in spiritual attunement; but I am very persevering.
I've learned that all my personal efforts to attain God consciousness may have prepared me somewhat, but that God or Spirit or soul/Self are really doing the work. My efforts are mainly ego efforts; combined with ego deflation. I cherish ego deflation as it gives me a new clarity for spiritual progress. My Vancouver marathon was ego deflation. My next marathon, Hawk marathon, will also be such.
The fact that I have to go to work and get along with others is ego deflating. Seeking stillness is ego surrender. Prayer is joining soul/Self in divinity. It is Grace to which I offer my ego for correction that I may live as spirit. This is my simple spiritual life. Over and over. Day after day. Nothing more but also nothing less.
There are some great prayers for surrendering the ego and thus passing into God consciousness.
From ACIM: This holy instant would I give to You. Be Thou in charge for I would follow You; certain that Your direction gives me peace.
From AA:
- God, I offer myself to you to do with me and build with me as Thou will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. ... May I at last abandon myself utterly to You.
- How may I best serve you. Thy will not mine be done.
I also recently read of a meditation method which involves meditating on a blue cross, then a golden triangle, then a silver star. I noticed that in turning to these shapes in time of mental turmoil, I am immediately at peace. Turning to prayer in times of turmoil is an act of ego renunciation, surrender to Grace.
I am an ordinary person. While I am not really making much progress towards enlightenment in this life, I refuse to give up and am certain that the future brings God consciousness.
Vancouver marathon before and after:
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Aslinger - Pre-Prelude
Today is Wednesday. The Aslinger Endurance run starts Friday night at 7 pm. I'll run all night. I hope to get to 50 miles, and stop there.
I thought alot last night and this morning about my fitness lifestyle. My time commitment goes far beyond what is needed for health or even marathon training. I realize most people can look at me and think, "well she doesn't have a life." In addition, I am continually trying to explain that my training and racing is not about the speeds or distances or accomplishments.
I feel the pull before any workout, "I wish I could go for hours." As I think about my desire to workout for an endless period of time, I realize that the quality of endless peace and self transcendence is what I am really after.Actually, my whole foray into ultra-running began with the idea of self transcendence thru running, as promoted by Sri Chinmoy. The endlessness offers me escape from myself (my restless personality) and the world, and draws me like a drug. Working out and the hope of transcendence of my ego are the center of my life. I revolve around the breaks from the ordinary work-a-day world. This is my prayer. This is my pathway to higher mind. My whole life has been about the pursuit of higher mind and working out is part of it for me.
So as I look at my upcoming race, I know what will happen. It is a one mile loop and it will shortly become dark but lit with street lights. I will just peacefully go around and around while my rational mind loses is grip. I'll stop at 50 miles (if that), because I want to be able to work out again soon. I go to the race environment to do this because I don't stick it out for 10 hours by myself; and the race environment provides needed support for my quest.
Paul Brunton said, "The Quest not only begins in the heart but also ends there too. It is an endeavour to lift to a higher plane, and expand to a larger measure, the whole of his identity. It brings in the most important part of himself--being, essence, Consciousness."
I thought alot last night and this morning about my fitness lifestyle. My time commitment goes far beyond what is needed for health or even marathon training. I realize most people can look at me and think, "well she doesn't have a life." In addition, I am continually trying to explain that my training and racing is not about the speeds or distances or accomplishments.
I feel the pull before any workout, "I wish I could go for hours." As I think about my desire to workout for an endless period of time, I realize that the quality of endless peace and self transcendence is what I am really after.Actually, my whole foray into ultra-running began with the idea of self transcendence thru running, as promoted by Sri Chinmoy. The endlessness offers me escape from myself (my restless personality) and the world, and draws me like a drug. Working out and the hope of transcendence of my ego are the center of my life. I revolve around the breaks from the ordinary work-a-day world. This is my prayer. This is my pathway to higher mind. My whole life has been about the pursuit of higher mind and working out is part of it for me.
So as I look at my upcoming race, I know what will happen. It is a one mile loop and it will shortly become dark but lit with street lights. I will just peacefully go around and around while my rational mind loses is grip. I'll stop at 50 miles (if that), because I want to be able to work out again soon. I go to the race environment to do this because I don't stick it out for 10 hours by myself; and the race environment provides needed support for my quest.
Paul Brunton said, "The Quest not only begins in the heart but also ends there too. It is an endeavour to lift to a higher plane, and expand to a larger measure, the whole of his identity. It brings in the most important part of himself--being, essence, Consciousness."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Contemplation and Discipline
Few people, anywhere, are aware of the spiritual depth of silence, the depth of contemplation.
Today, I finally got a chair and a cushion set up in my new apartment in order to practice contemplation (Centering prayer for Christians or zazen if you are into Zen). I spend 15 minutes in each place and go back and forth.
It is a formal way of doing it. I haven't done it formally in over a week. I discovered that the formality is important because it defines the activity as prayer and not anything else. I realized it takes discipline to move your body into position and formally do the meditation.
As I start a new job and new life, I probably need to make a commitment to do a certain amount of formal meditation each day. I don't struggle with spending an hour or two in spiritual reading. I do struggle with the meditation. I think it is because my ego doesn't get to play the meditation game. In fact, silence takes my ego out.
There really is no gratification to contemplation; except afterwards I am glad I did. Usually nothing happens in my consciousness, but I know at a deeper level that I was in Communion. It must be this subtle Communion which brings me back day after day. Yet it is a fragile pull; so easily dismissed. But whenever I pause, stop my activities, and reach into the Inner, It responds with the call: Please come sit with me. So, I do.
"I do," is the marriage promise for the contemplative celibate. "I do," with nothing added and not attached to anything, is nothing other than a total yes to the Ineffable.
I do and that is it.
Today, I finally got a chair and a cushion set up in my new apartment in order to practice contemplation (Centering prayer for Christians or zazen if you are into Zen). I spend 15 minutes in each place and go back and forth.
It is a formal way of doing it. I haven't done it formally in over a week. I discovered that the formality is important because it defines the activity as prayer and not anything else. I realized it takes discipline to move your body into position and formally do the meditation.
As I start a new job and new life, I probably need to make a commitment to do a certain amount of formal meditation each day. I don't struggle with spending an hour or two in spiritual reading. I do struggle with the meditation. I think it is because my ego doesn't get to play the meditation game. In fact, silence takes my ego out.
There really is no gratification to contemplation; except afterwards I am glad I did. Usually nothing happens in my consciousness, but I know at a deeper level that I was in Communion. It must be this subtle Communion which brings me back day after day. Yet it is a fragile pull; so easily dismissed. But whenever I pause, stop my activities, and reach into the Inner, It responds with the call: Please come sit with me. So, I do.
"I do," is the marriage promise for the contemplative celibate. "I do," with nothing added and not attached to anything, is nothing other than a total yes to the Ineffable.
I do and that is it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Prayer is my Passion
My passion for life is prayer. More than being a runner or a solitary or a vegan or an engineer or anything, my theme, ethos, essence and ontology is to stand metaphysically in God’s presence and speak with Him the Word of Love.
A little over ten years ago, as I was driving my truck and listening to Christian radio, I heard myself think: I want shamelessly follow Jesus. I thought, “I want to live a life of prayer.” At that time, I thought you had to live in a monastery, so off I went. Then, back I came; by the design of God. I was told, “Just let the world be your monastery;” and so I did and have. I live a life of prayer “out here.”
Living a life of prayer takes study and discipline. No one hangs out their shingle and tries to make money at it. Most professional pray-ers work in various storefronts. It is there amongst whomever God sends them that they complete their work. This morning as I was running, I consciously held in my mind the Word of Love. A I hold this thought, all minds partake of the thought. Holding the Word consciously makes it present and perceptible in the illusion of our reality. The general human thought field is shifted by a little and the scenario of our world illusion is shifted by a little. When I go running, I pray. When I go to work, I pray. Going to sleep, I pray.
Unknown people in all corners of the universe are quietly holding the Word of Love consciously in their minds. All people hold the Word of Love, even if unconscious or unknowingly. The Word of Love is every where. I’ve been taught to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem. The practice of prayer is my answer to that teaching. Making money, seeking an easy life, spending time on entertainment are things which don’t matter. Answering the Call of God matters. God is my ontology, my essence and my ethos. I’m passionate about God. Together, we stand in silence speaking the One Word. I exist thrilled and enthralled, captured by the One Word, with all of me given to it presence.
A little over ten years ago, as I was driving my truck and listening to Christian radio, I heard myself think: I want shamelessly follow Jesus. I thought, “I want to live a life of prayer.” At that time, I thought you had to live in a monastery, so off I went. Then, back I came; by the design of God. I was told, “Just let the world be your monastery;” and so I did and have. I live a life of prayer “out here.”
Living a life of prayer takes study and discipline. No one hangs out their shingle and tries to make money at it. Most professional pray-ers work in various storefronts. It is there amongst whomever God sends them that they complete their work. This morning as I was running, I consciously held in my mind the Word of Love. A I hold this thought, all minds partake of the thought. Holding the Word consciously makes it present and perceptible in the illusion of our reality. The general human thought field is shifted by a little and the scenario of our world illusion is shifted by a little. When I go running, I pray. When I go to work, I pray. Going to sleep, I pray.
Unknown people in all corners of the universe are quietly holding the Word of Love consciously in their minds. All people hold the Word of Love, even if unconscious or unknowingly. The Word of Love is every where. I’ve been taught to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem. The practice of prayer is my answer to that teaching. Making money, seeking an easy life, spending time on entertainment are things which don’t matter. Answering the Call of God matters. God is my ontology, my essence and my ethos. I’m passionate about God. Together, we stand in silence speaking the One Word. I exist thrilled and enthralled, captured by the One Word, with all of me given to it presence.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Day 3 – 61 hours of juice fasting
I am juice fasting as a duty to my body. It is rejuvenation. It is transformation. It is space and silence and listening.
When I was driving home at lunchtime, I really wanted to eat. But I prayed for Jesus to come into my fast. The word "prayer" has been on my mind. At lunch time, I pondered the subject. I have no answers. I get the most from prayer if I just stop and sink into it wordlessly. There are no new prayer techniques that are going to be more entertaining for the ego. God is satisfying but not at the ego level; and it is the ego I experience most of the time. So at lunch, I was able to pray and patiently wait. Prayer in this way becomes communion; but not ego gratification. This may be a lesson I am learning about the fact of God's presence.
Coming back from lunch, I searched the internet looking for "something." I found that fasting is for sale. Everything is for sale nowadays. We need to stop buying, but “they” want us to keep buying. I will have to practice my fasting and come to my own conclusions. Like most things in this life, I’ve read everyone else’s book. I know the techniques. Now it is up to me to journey forth and find my own gold.
Back to the nagging doubts: I guess because my bowel is empty, I want to eat. I guess because I am tired of the juice, I want to eat. I may switch to Master Cleanser for a few hours, because this does not turn me off. The distilled water is delicious.
Well, there was another change at work: one of the top dogs was fired (we have been downsizing for months). Change scares me and I want to eat. But change is also transformation. Fasting is about transforming inside: so I go back to my inner searching, investigating fear and seeking Presence. Both are there. They are the gold. They are satisfying.
May I always subsist, abide and love this Communion with Them, which is so greatly on my mind and contained in “prayer.”
Distilled water is the water of life.
When I was driving home at lunchtime, I really wanted to eat. But I prayed for Jesus to come into my fast. The word "prayer" has been on my mind. At lunch time, I pondered the subject. I have no answers. I get the most from prayer if I just stop and sink into it wordlessly. There are no new prayer techniques that are going to be more entertaining for the ego. God is satisfying but not at the ego level; and it is the ego I experience most of the time. So at lunch, I was able to pray and patiently wait. Prayer in this way becomes communion; but not ego gratification. This may be a lesson I am learning about the fact of God's presence.
Coming back from lunch, I searched the internet looking for "something." I found that fasting is for sale. Everything is for sale nowadays. We need to stop buying, but “they” want us to keep buying. I will have to practice my fasting and come to my own conclusions. Like most things in this life, I’ve read everyone else’s book. I know the techniques. Now it is up to me to journey forth and find my own gold.
Back to the nagging doubts: I guess because my bowel is empty, I want to eat. I guess because I am tired of the juice, I want to eat. I may switch to Master Cleanser for a few hours, because this does not turn me off. The distilled water is delicious.
Well, there was another change at work: one of the top dogs was fired (we have been downsizing for months). Change scares me and I want to eat. But change is also transformation. Fasting is about transforming inside: so I go back to my inner searching, investigating fear and seeking Presence. Both are there. They are the gold. They are satisfying.
May I always subsist, abide and love this Communion with Them, which is so greatly on my mind and contained in “prayer.”
Distilled water is the water of life.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Juice fast - 47th hour
I wanted to pray, but I don’t know anything.
I can barely read or focus on anything.
My only possibility for prayer is silence.
Is prayer asking or talking or yearning?
Is the word, “prayer,” an expression of my deepest yearning for the Divine Presence?
His one Word of Love is my only thought and my only reality.
What really could be more fulfilling than allowing yourself to offer your innermost precious essence to the divine?
And know that the divine has offered Theirs?
And all precious essence is one.
I am the nectar of divine Life.
I am the sweetness of divine Love.
The scent of lilac drifts into my senses. It is communion.
It is quiet. I gasp. My heart beats.
The Gift of Presence is found in the depths of desire.
There is no one here but God.
I can barely read or focus on anything.
My only possibility for prayer is silence.
Is prayer asking or talking or yearning?
Is the word, “prayer,” an expression of my deepest yearning for the Divine Presence?
His one Word of Love is my only thought and my only reality.
What really could be more fulfilling than allowing yourself to offer your innermost precious essence to the divine?
And know that the divine has offered Theirs?
And all precious essence is one.
I am the nectar of divine Life.
I am the sweetness of divine Love.
The scent of lilac drifts into my senses. It is communion.
It is quiet. I gasp. My heart beats.
The Gift of Presence is found in the depths of desire.
There is no one here but God.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Reflections - Fasting 122 Hours
There is a difference between a secular solitary and a monk eremitic. The secular solitary is alone just to be alone. The monk is alone to be alone with God. By secular, I do not mean atheist. By monk, I do mean spiritual; the monos who is one heart with God. The secular solitary may say prayers. The monk is the prayer.
I am a monk. The point of my life is God. I am not traditionally consecrated into a religious tradition. I am a monk in the world; self styled. I learned about being a monk from Benedictines. I learned about it from books. Most of my monastic practices are traditional: lectio divina (spiritual reading) and contemplative prayer. Anthony was an early Christian who famously started the tradition; leaving the city and going out in the desert to live with Christ and fight demons. But most Holy Rules for monks advocate the structure of a monastery. I am the variety who left the monastery and went to the Poustinia to live on my own. The lack of religious validation is a cross I seem to bear; a relic of my Benedictine teaching. I have no trappings, like religious garb, or title, or hairdo. I look very ordinary and do not generally speak publicly of who I really am.
You might say, “But you are an engineer.” I would say, “I don’t have a desert cave or a monastery, so I work for a living.” You might say, “You are a runner.” I would say, “I am running to God. I run in the Spirit.” Alone, I am not constantly busy, not even reading all the time. Often, I just sit and contemplate. I spend hours in lectio. I listen. I am silent. I am being still and waiting.
I live in a Poustinia. Poustinia is the Russian word for desert. It was traditional for Orthodox monks to go to a hermitage. A Poustinia in the West is a place for someone to go and seek God. It is a place of silence and solitude and prayer. Although looking like a house, inside it is the Mount of Carmel, the Mount of Tabor, the cave of Jesus tomb, the cave of Elijah, the Bodhi tree of Siddhartha, a Tibetan mountain peak, an ashram of one in an Indian forest. The Poustinia is the agony of the cross where Jesus cried, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” The Poustinia is the river of baptism and the mount of transfiguration where God cried out, “This is my beloved Son, listen to him.” The Poustinia is a prostration at the foot of the cross, and before the Glory of God. The Poustinia is the wild shouting, “Hosanna” and “Maranatha.” It is the place where I have chosen to go.
My Poustinia is also in my heart, my consciousness; my inner temple where God dwells eternally. I go to work and the store and the marathon and other places, but my life is always hidden in the inner temple, known only to Christ. The light of Christ shines out. If it was me that lived in the world, not Christ, there would be no light for others and I would be a dreadfully sickened person. This is not so.
In the Poustinia, there is the darkness of Mother Theresa, the great faith of pilgrims crowding Lourdes. There is Eucharist and Adoration and Reconciliation. There is no football or election campaign or financial crisis. The monk’s material needs are minimized, being filled by God. Music is a type of veil, hiding the soul from God; or a covering which prevents the mind from being totally exposed to the divine light. The news is a distraction, diverting thought from the divine Presence and from prayer. TV is programming; filling the mind with something other than Christ. The monk’s food will often stray into nothing but spiritual texts; eating the words and being satisfied with God. The Poustinia is not often ecstatic. Usually it is just a desert, just a silent place, just faith. With the darkness of God’s silence and the blinding light of faith, the monk waits and watches and listens and prays. This is the life of a monk in the world and what I have embraced as my vocation.
This leads into my response to your question, “Why am I telling you about being a monk?” There are cosmic and eschatological reasons for the eremitical life, the silent life. At a minimum, the conscious contact of one person with God is a gift for all; whether they know it or not. Christ is a cosmic consciousness remembered for all and given to all. It is because I feel the inner light of Christ beaming out to all creation. I wanted to offer Christ consciousness as a gift; and remind us of spiritual realities beyond normal day-to-day life.
One person alone praying seems so worthless. No evangelization is attempted. The works of charity do not take place in the physical world. Purpose is carried out metaphysically and spiritually; perhaps not seen but deeply known. No trace of the hermit’s healing hands are found, but surely they were there. No sound of the hermit’s prayer was heard, but surely a blessing was received.
In my silence and my fasting, I have found the well of praises for Christ my life. These praises gush forth uncontainable. My dam has broken. My reservoir empties. Peace be with you.
I am a monk. The point of my life is God. I am not traditionally consecrated into a religious tradition. I am a monk in the world; self styled. I learned about being a monk from Benedictines. I learned about it from books. Most of my monastic practices are traditional: lectio divina (spiritual reading) and contemplative prayer. Anthony was an early Christian who famously started the tradition; leaving the city and going out in the desert to live with Christ and fight demons. But most Holy Rules for monks advocate the structure of a monastery. I am the variety who left the monastery and went to the Poustinia to live on my own. The lack of religious validation is a cross I seem to bear; a relic of my Benedictine teaching. I have no trappings, like religious garb, or title, or hairdo. I look very ordinary and do not generally speak publicly of who I really am.
You might say, “But you are an engineer.” I would say, “I don’t have a desert cave or a monastery, so I work for a living.” You might say, “You are a runner.” I would say, “I am running to God. I run in the Spirit.” Alone, I am not constantly busy, not even reading all the time. Often, I just sit and contemplate. I spend hours in lectio. I listen. I am silent. I am being still and waiting.
I live in a Poustinia. Poustinia is the Russian word for desert. It was traditional for Orthodox monks to go to a hermitage. A Poustinia in the West is a place for someone to go and seek God. It is a place of silence and solitude and prayer. Although looking like a house, inside it is the Mount of Carmel, the Mount of Tabor, the cave of Jesus tomb, the cave of Elijah, the Bodhi tree of Siddhartha, a Tibetan mountain peak, an ashram of one in an Indian forest. The Poustinia is the agony of the cross where Jesus cried, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” The Poustinia is the river of baptism and the mount of transfiguration where God cried out, “This is my beloved Son, listen to him.” The Poustinia is a prostration at the foot of the cross, and before the Glory of God. The Poustinia is the wild shouting, “Hosanna” and “Maranatha.” It is the place where I have chosen to go.
My Poustinia is also in my heart, my consciousness; my inner temple where God dwells eternally. I go to work and the store and the marathon and other places, but my life is always hidden in the inner temple, known only to Christ. The light of Christ shines out. If it was me that lived in the world, not Christ, there would be no light for others and I would be a dreadfully sickened person. This is not so.
In the Poustinia, there is the darkness of Mother Theresa, the great faith of pilgrims crowding Lourdes. There is Eucharist and Adoration and Reconciliation. There is no football or election campaign or financial crisis. The monk’s material needs are minimized, being filled by God. Music is a type of veil, hiding the soul from God; or a covering which prevents the mind from being totally exposed to the divine light. The news is a distraction, diverting thought from the divine Presence and from prayer. TV is programming; filling the mind with something other than Christ. The monk’s food will often stray into nothing but spiritual texts; eating the words and being satisfied with God. The Poustinia is not often ecstatic. Usually it is just a desert, just a silent place, just faith. With the darkness of God’s silence and the blinding light of faith, the monk waits and watches and listens and prays. This is the life of a monk in the world and what I have embraced as my vocation.
This leads into my response to your question, “Why am I telling you about being a monk?” There are cosmic and eschatological reasons for the eremitical life, the silent life. At a minimum, the conscious contact of one person with God is a gift for all; whether they know it or not. Christ is a cosmic consciousness remembered for all and given to all. It is because I feel the inner light of Christ beaming out to all creation. I wanted to offer Christ consciousness as a gift; and remind us of spiritual realities beyond normal day-to-day life.
One person alone praying seems so worthless. No evangelization is attempted. The works of charity do not take place in the physical world. Purpose is carried out metaphysically and spiritually; perhaps not seen but deeply known. No trace of the hermit’s healing hands are found, but surely they were there. No sound of the hermit’s prayer was heard, but surely a blessing was received.
In my silence and my fasting, I have found the well of praises for Christ my life. These praises gush forth uncontainable. My dam has broken. My reservoir empties. Peace be with you.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Holiday - Holy Day
I am enjoying a day off. I have a day off because of an extra gift from my boss; that today is MLK holiday is coincedental.
Since I did my long run (22 miles) yesterday, and I had no fellowship meeting on the schedule, I slept in and spent extra time studying A Course in Miracles, meditation and reflection.
Here are a few ACIM gems:
Since I did my long run (22 miles) yesterday, and I had no fellowship meeting on the schedule, I slept in and spent extra time studying A Course in Miracles, meditation and reflection.
Here are a few ACIM gems:
- ...if you will merely sit quietly by and let the Holy Spirit relate through you, you will empathesize with strength...you choose neither to hurt it (any relationship) or heal it in your own way...step gently aside and let the healing be done for you...
- The power of love, which is its meaning, lies in the strength of God that hovers over it and blesses it silently by enveloping it in healing wings.
- Humility is strength in this sense only; that to recognize and accept the fact that you do not know is to recognize and accept the fact that He does know.
- ...the nature of miracles you do not understand...yet they have been done through you...so there must be Something in you that does understand...
- ...your relationship with Him (the One Who speaks for God, Host of God, Christ, Self) is real...to acknowledge Him is to deny all that you think you know...
- The Host of God has called to you, and you have heard. Never again will you be wholly willing not to listen. This is a year, in which your listening will increase and peace will grow with its increase.
- This year invest in truth...Have faith in Him...
OK...sorry, I could go on and on because ACIM is full of candy and sweet things for contemplation. Someone asked me to pray for them today. What they get is my willingness to "sit quietly by" and let the Holy Spirit help them. A request for prayer is a request for me to allow Love to heal; and the Holy Spirit picked the person who needed a miracle.
In my morning meditation, I took my consciousness to the inner Light. I sat and looked. I was in a place where I was willing to believe that each time I go and ponder the Light, I love it and want it a little more. I was willing to let go of the need for some emotional event to prove that the Light is real. I considered it more like a long slow conversation of non-words. All I needed to do was go there and sit quietly. The relationsip would grow and I need not understand how or have expectations. The Light is the "Something" in me that does know. All I do is give some attention.
All I want is to want the Something. Since Something is benign and peaceful; it is hard to detect and hard to want. This is why I seek solitude; for listening. I do not know but I am devoted.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Lament for God
Sometimes I say A Course in Miracles text is full of candy and treasure. It fills me with hope and joy and helps me cast out my ego’s negative thoughts. Sometimes, I have to ponder for several days, waiting for God’s Voice to filter through my defensive fog. Sometimes, I feel The Voice’s words bouncing off my closed mind and I wonder what I have to do to let Meaning in?
I cry out to God as I did last night in this letter to Jesus:
“Jesus, if I could sit and talk openly to you, I might express pain and sorrow: how little I know and how futile things seem. I don’t have brilliance or originality; though even as I write that, I know my truth is that I am brilliance and originality. These ideas are woven by God into my very being, inescapable. I know my truth is that I was created by God; but I don’t feel deeply appreciative of that. I wanted a thought of the deep connection with God. I wanted to feel the punch, the pull, the irrepressible Thou. I have nothing I can feel; but I want Something More.
I want to complain: all this study and I still don’t know anything. How do I use my God Mind to think something higher?"
And so I retreat into silence. I sit and contemplate the light. I look inside at Brilliance Itself. I am ignorant and do not understand what I see. Someday, someday, someday.
This is what the Course says: don’t try to reason it out, just let go and experience God. And so I sit before the Light and listen to the gentle whisper of The Voice. The Light is penetrating me.
I cry out to God as I did last night in this letter to Jesus:
“Jesus, if I could sit and talk openly to you, I might express pain and sorrow: how little I know and how futile things seem. I don’t have brilliance or originality; though even as I write that, I know my truth is that I am brilliance and originality. These ideas are woven by God into my very being, inescapable. I know my truth is that I was created by God; but I don’t feel deeply appreciative of that. I wanted a thought of the deep connection with God. I wanted to feel the punch, the pull, the irrepressible Thou. I have nothing I can feel; but I want Something More.
I want to complain: all this study and I still don’t know anything. How do I use my God Mind to think something higher?"
And so I retreat into silence. I sit and contemplate the light. I look inside at Brilliance Itself. I am ignorant and do not understand what I see. Someday, someday, someday.
This is what the Course says: don’t try to reason it out, just let go and experience God. And so I sit before the Light and listen to the gentle whisper of The Voice. The Light is penetrating me.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Value
I voluntarily got up at 4 today....long silence as you give me that look ....ok, I didn't know what I wanted to do today, but if I get up early, it leaves my options open.
I sat down first for spiritual study and meditation. Wow, I discovered some strong feelings and gave these to my Higher Power. At 6 I lifted weights and at 6:30 bundled up for a 2 hour run.
It was 15F (maybe about -10C), a 20+mph north wind, and just an inkling in the south eastern horizon that the sun would come up today. I live on the south end of town. I decided to run north through town and around a loop in the fields north of town, then back. After about 15 minutes, I have the front of my jacket and three layers of fleece half unzipped as I am warm enough and I want to let out the moisture.
On Sunday in a small town, hardly anyone is up. Four old ladies in a Prius stop to ask me where they can get breakfast. Clearly they are not from here and we have no quaint diners. I send them to the grocery store which has a breakfast of sorts in their deli.
After about 40 minutes, I get to the top of the hill at the very north of town and get blasted directly by the wind. I snap up my hood and turn west on a dirt road through the fields. The sunrise is quite spectacular. I pass an elderly horse in a barren field; he has no windbreak.
Just before starting this run, I heard an interview on NPR with M. T. Anderson who wrote "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing." It sounds like a creative book. I just started reading Barak Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope" last night. Mr. Obama seems to have thought deeply and identified the principles of our culture. I start to wonder about my own life, "The Astonishing and Audacious Life of Spirit Flower." Is it astonishing? Do I have values? I’m about to turn 50 years old. What do I stand for? So many things that I’ve tried have gone by the wayside. What has endured the test of time and can stand as my life’s foundation? As I remember some of my childhood images, I come up with the following opening line for my biography: "Spirit Flower's life was defined by long distance running and spirituality." That is, running and spirituality make me a full spectrum contemplative; and contemplation is my principle value.
A value is a principle or a quality considered worthwhile (akin to purpose). My value to others, or humanity in general, relates to whether others consider me to have worth in usefulness. Within my own heart, I must consider my life to have worthwhile qualities. Not everyone needs this; but I would kill myself without it. If my efforts at living result in others considering me valuable; that is secondary. I struggle with this issue a lot because I compare myself to others who do have fancy titles and identifiable purposes.
My life is defined by long distance running and spirituality. These are indispensable and have been my modus operandi since early teens. Other than running and praying, I spend my time earning money at my job, and worrying about my running and praying plans. I have as few social entanglements as possible. My life as a spiritual seeker and athlete appears incredibly selfish. Yet, I pursue it with an irrepressible type of conviction which seems to come from my soul; and there are people who value me. Therefore, I must assume that I have values and I am valuable, despite appearances. My value is not tangible; but it can be known.
I have value and purpose. How do I know? These can be seen if you consider me a living icon. An icon is an enduring symbol. A religious icon is an enduring symbol of the Gospel and the life of Jesus Christ. I am an icon for how to be spiritual and be an athlete; as a way of life. These are opposite ends of the scale, but they provide a life of thoughtful contemplation beyond the solely material way of life. They both aim at higher consciousness and human transformation. These intangibles are my personal concerns.
People see me and say they admire my spirituality. People come up and ask about running, or my other health practices. I am available to be seen in the world and I am connected metaphysically to all mankind. There are Japanese contemplative monks that run ultra-marathons. There are ultra-marathoners who discover God in the process of a 100 mile race. I am a contemplative in the world who trains as an athlete. Spirituality is approached as training and running is approached as contemplation. Every mile run or weight lifted is a meditation. Every meditation is building spiritual endurance and strength. Every time I go out in the world, someone observes something about one or the other of these practices; hence, I am an icon. People are always enriched in some way; perhaps astonishment, perhaps audacious hope, but their soul will put it into action for them.
I sat down first for spiritual study and meditation. Wow, I discovered some strong feelings and gave these to my Higher Power. At 6 I lifted weights and at 6:30 bundled up for a 2 hour run.
It was 15F (maybe about -10C), a 20+mph north wind, and just an inkling in the south eastern horizon that the sun would come up today. I live on the south end of town. I decided to run north through town and around a loop in the fields north of town, then back. After about 15 minutes, I have the front of my jacket and three layers of fleece half unzipped as I am warm enough and I want to let out the moisture.
On Sunday in a small town, hardly anyone is up. Four old ladies in a Prius stop to ask me where they can get breakfast. Clearly they are not from here and we have no quaint diners. I send them to the grocery store which has a breakfast of sorts in their deli.
After about 40 minutes, I get to the top of the hill at the very north of town and get blasted directly by the wind. I snap up my hood and turn west on a dirt road through the fields. The sunrise is quite spectacular. I pass an elderly horse in a barren field; he has no windbreak.
Just before starting this run, I heard an interview on NPR with M. T. Anderson who wrote "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing." It sounds like a creative book. I just started reading Barak Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope" last night. Mr. Obama seems to have thought deeply and identified the principles of our culture. I start to wonder about my own life, "The Astonishing and Audacious Life of Spirit Flower." Is it astonishing? Do I have values? I’m about to turn 50 years old. What do I stand for? So many things that I’ve tried have gone by the wayside. What has endured the test of time and can stand as my life’s foundation? As I remember some of my childhood images, I come up with the following opening line for my biography: "Spirit Flower's life was defined by long distance running and spirituality." That is, running and spirituality make me a full spectrum contemplative; and contemplation is my principle value.
A value is a principle or a quality considered worthwhile (akin to purpose). My value to others, or humanity in general, relates to whether others consider me to have worth in usefulness. Within my own heart, I must consider my life to have worthwhile qualities. Not everyone needs this; but I would kill myself without it. If my efforts at living result in others considering me valuable; that is secondary. I struggle with this issue a lot because I compare myself to others who do have fancy titles and identifiable purposes.
My life is defined by long distance running and spirituality. These are indispensable and have been my modus operandi since early teens. Other than running and praying, I spend my time earning money at my job, and worrying about my running and praying plans. I have as few social entanglements as possible. My life as a spiritual seeker and athlete appears incredibly selfish. Yet, I pursue it with an irrepressible type of conviction which seems to come from my soul; and there are people who value me. Therefore, I must assume that I have values and I am valuable, despite appearances. My value is not tangible; but it can be known.
I have value and purpose. How do I know? These can be seen if you consider me a living icon. An icon is an enduring symbol. A religious icon is an enduring symbol of the Gospel and the life of Jesus Christ. I am an icon for how to be spiritual and be an athlete; as a way of life. These are opposite ends of the scale, but they provide a life of thoughtful contemplation beyond the solely material way of life. They both aim at higher consciousness and human transformation. These intangibles are my personal concerns.
People see me and say they admire my spirituality. People come up and ask about running, or my other health practices. I am available to be seen in the world and I am connected metaphysically to all mankind. There are Japanese contemplative monks that run ultra-marathons. There are ultra-marathoners who discover God in the process of a 100 mile race. I am a contemplative in the world who trains as an athlete. Spirituality is approached as training and running is approached as contemplation. Every mile run or weight lifted is a meditation. Every meditation is building spiritual endurance and strength. Every time I go out in the world, someone observes something about one or the other of these practices; hence, I am an icon. People are always enriched in some way; perhaps astonishment, perhaps audacious hope, but their soul will put it into action for them.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Praying Afternoon
I spent the afternoon in prayer. This means that I found a comfortable position for sitting for a couple of hours, sipped distilled water now and then, closed my eyes, and gently thought the name of Jesus over and over. I say this name as Christ, with Christ, to Christ and in Christ. We, in our innermost Truth, are the Christ; created One by the Father to be the Son of God, in-dwelled by the Holy Spirit, and joined ineffably to Love beyond our wildest dreams. I hope to call all people to Our Father, who sits on the inner altar; where we can be joined in peace. I don't want or expect anything for myself other than the knowledge of The Presence, same as all may receive.
This prayer is a non-worldly prayer. Its efficacy does not exist in the ego's material world and hence cannot be perceived or judged. My ego bitterly resents my prayer and strives to thwart my actions. Today it did not succeed. NOTHING other than the name of Jesus interested me.
This prayer is a non-worldly prayer. Its efficacy does not exist in the ego's material world and hence cannot be perceived or judged. My ego bitterly resents my prayer and strives to thwart my actions. Today it did not succeed. NOTHING other than the name of Jesus interested me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Living Metaphysically, Accepting Love
From A Course in Miracles (ACIM):
Now I could ask Jesus for help with something from my heart: I want to know my Source is pure love freely given and I want to freely love both back to Source and outward.
I did not yet know who the next president of the US is. I don’t myself vote. I hadn’t listened to the news last night. But, my time for prayer was over and it was time to turn on NPR and get the news. I turned on the radio and out came a symphony. For some reason, KCUR was not on the air. I listened to the symphony and started to chuckle. The Holy Spirit was helping me. I wasn’t quite ready for the news.
As I listened, I realized that “the real world of God/Source” is this symphony. I appreciated the symphony. The symphony is always there, but we cover it over and dissociate from it. The symphony is God’s reality, Heaven, not the ego world I normally experience. I can live in the symphonic reality, which is my ever present Source of Love, freely given because I/we are loved. I went to the bathroom and took a huge dump. All my crap came out.
Then, suddenly KCUR came on the air introducing the next president and immediately fed in Barak Obama’s acceptance. I got chills. I got tears. I said, “Praise the Lord. The era of the old white man is over.” “The old white man” is a symbol. For me, “the old white man” was my terrible father who hated women, the oppressor, the taker, MY EGO'S god. This era being over symbolized the healing of my hate and my acceptance of Love, God, Heaven.
Since I don’t vote, I realized that it was my brother who had thrown out the old white man. This morning, I had asked to know my brother. The prayer was immediately answered by my brother electing Obama, a symbol of unity and love. Within every brother is Source and Love. Within me is Source and Love. My brother had clearly shown me who he was. I had trusted my brother to show me who he was. We are one and this has been shown.
This reflection is how I live metaphysically: I take my own inventory of fear and hate. I give the hate and fear to Jesus. Then I honestly pray for the true. Then I am healed and everyone else is healed.
- Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?
- …ask and you will receive.
- …you believe asking is taking…
- Ask to learn of the reality of your brother (Christ, Love), because this is what you will perceive in him, and you will see your beauty reflected in his.
Now I could ask Jesus for help with something from my heart: I want to know my Source is pure love freely given and I want to freely love both back to Source and outward.
I did not yet know who the next president of the US is. I don’t myself vote. I hadn’t listened to the news last night. But, my time for prayer was over and it was time to turn on NPR and get the news. I turned on the radio and out came a symphony. For some reason, KCUR was not on the air. I listened to the symphony and started to chuckle. The Holy Spirit was helping me. I wasn’t quite ready for the news.
As I listened, I realized that “the real world of God/Source” is this symphony. I appreciated the symphony. The symphony is always there, but we cover it over and dissociate from it. The symphony is God’s reality, Heaven, not the ego world I normally experience. I can live in the symphonic reality, which is my ever present Source of Love, freely given because I/we are loved. I went to the bathroom and took a huge dump. All my crap came out.
Then, suddenly KCUR came on the air introducing the next president and immediately fed in Barak Obama’s acceptance. I got chills. I got tears. I said, “Praise the Lord. The era of the old white man is over.” “The old white man” is a symbol. For me, “the old white man” was my terrible father who hated women, the oppressor, the taker, MY EGO'S god. This era being over symbolized the healing of my hate and my acceptance of Love, God, Heaven.
Since I don’t vote, I realized that it was my brother who had thrown out the old white man. This morning, I had asked to know my brother. The prayer was immediately answered by my brother electing Obama, a symbol of unity and love. Within every brother is Source and Love. Within me is Source and Love. My brother had clearly shown me who he was. I had trusted my brother to show me who he was. We are one and this has been shown.
This reflection is how I live metaphysically: I take my own inventory of fear and hate. I give the hate and fear to Jesus. Then I honestly pray for the true. Then I am healed and everyone else is healed.
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