Silencio

This weekend is my first 9/80 Friday off. I was going to zip off across Texas and go in a race or two. But that plan got foiled. Also, my boss called a meeting. He is letting me attend online, but I decided not to push the issue any further than that.

This has caused me to re-evaluate my weekend plans. Maybe it will be full of silent miles. I somewhat love El Lago in a misty warm pre-dawn morning. I'll also go to Meador park. The weather will be beautiful. Mostly, the Seabrook trail looks like this:

I made my decision in silence. I asked with a thought what I should do. Soon, I heard Silencio.

It think it is right. Since "Boston" people at work (the only ones I see), have asked me about Boston. Today I explained in a more intimate conversation with one guy that I am just a runner. Just a simple runner, no agenda attached.

So many people are saying they now want to go to Boston. Now there is a world peace running agenda. Now there is a help Boston victims charity agenda. Now there is a defiance, a finger in your face attitude. I don't want to be a part of that.

So my miles will be quiet, solitary. When I am home, the radio will be off. I might fast on nutritious liquids while I think.

I need to think. I need to connect with the Universe. I need to lift weights, spiritual as well as physical.

Today was the first time I saw my boss since he returned from surgery. He talked about going for his walk. That is different. I found out that I was the only one that earned a 3 score in our department during the turn around (3 is highest). Some recognition will follow. Funny how I consider myself a slacker and not in the view of my superiors.

I don't live in  a post-Boston reality. Soon, my colleagues will forget about it and quit asking me. I suppose Annabelle will want to tell me her story since she finished the race just a couple of minutes before the blast. But otherwise, I need to be under cover. I need to be doing sit-ups and riding my elliptic while I think.

Columbine was huge for me. I was in the monastery when an unknown man shoot several monks in the abbey next door.

I need to sink my mind into A Course in Miracles and leave it there.

Hawk Marathon - Preparation Fast

I have not done any spiritual fasting for several years, maybe 2008 was the last time.

Usually before a race, anything goes for eating. But yesterday morning, the idea of a Master Cleanser fast entered my mind, and lemons got on the shopping list. In the store after work, I didn't feel like buying any cookies for my pre-race meal. The lemons got bought.

Yesterday, I had a small early supper. Then, I had Smooth Move tea. Then I squeezed some lemon juice. Other healing stuff like milk thistle, spirulina/chorella and turmeric were added to the mix. The fast was started.

This morning, the idea still felt right. I had time for extra spiritual study and silent prayer today. I began to feel like I could enter my race tomorrow purified in body, mind and spirit. My run tomorrow feels like a vision quest. A trail marathon is a meditative type affair for me. I'm alone on a trail with no idea where I am; my sole brain activity is in watching out for rocks. I might not even look at my watch for over an hour.

I learned a couple of things about fasting today. I can’t practice spiritual fasting without some practice of resisting temptation. Resisting temptation is spiritual strength building. So I was forced to practice NOT obeying every little thought that comes through my head. These little thoughts are ego thoughts. At 10 am, I decided to count how many hours since my last meal. That is when I decided 24 hours was my goal. I knew I could hang in there one minute at a time, resisting thoughts (not any actual hunger). No one dies from missing 24 hours of eating. The worsening slide into over eating is checked. I  know I could do this again.

Did I get more spiritual? No, there's no such thing. I strongly felt that I needed a break from input. Food was a symbol of also shutting out society's input. Its perfectly safe to refrain from input.

Tomorrow's ACIM workbook lesson says: My mind is part of God's. I am very holy.

Peace

This morning my ACIM lesson seemed so difficult. The promises of God angered me; just too wonderful to ever happen to me. First because I thought God hadn’t given me what I sought in spirituality; that is, God hadn’t fulfilled my wants. Second because I thought I was doing something to block God’s love; that is, “not knowing God” is my fault, but I have no idea how to take down the defenses. I felt the anger. So I asked Jesus for help. I listed out some of my frustrations and fears of other people.

Then, I read this in the Text: “The still infinity of endless peace surrounds you gently in its soft embrace, so strong and quiet, tranquil in the might of its Creator, nothing can intrude upon the sacred Son of God within.” (29.V.2.4)

Suddenly I was able to reach peace. To be one with God, I need to be in peace and I am able to choose peace. I can be at peace whenever I remember to be at peace. It is not hard for me. I have learned to do it. To have any of God’s promises, I must accept the peace. There is no other way. I was able to let the anger go and just be still. My anger and hate of Jesus and God are the very things I gave to Jesus. I realized that if I use my meditation to seek “something” within, I’ll fail and end up angry at God. If I use my meditation to sink into peace and quiet, than that is what I get. Peace is what God is. Peace is what the fearless state is. Nothing in this busy world is really totally peaceful. There is always at least a stirring or rustling of something. Anything other than utter silence is of this world.

I have the ability to choose peace. I have the ability to be in peace. Trying for anything else takes me out of God’s presence. Anything other than peace attempts to attack the Son of God within; causing my awareness of Him to disappear.

Personal statistics: Last week I did 3 days of juice fast; but quit because I found myself ravenous. Today is day 4 of a renewed effort. This time I hardly feel like I am fasting at all. Except my body feels much better to be on juice alone for a few days. I am still recovering from my ultra-marathon. I’m doing walking and slow jogging. As usual, I am lifting weights. While I was out in the park this morning, I felt relaxed and ok with everything. I was so involved with “training for a marathon” last winter, that I might have lost sight of the simple joy of running. I am back into that now. It was a relief to think: I am free, I can run or jog or walk or whatever because I have no goals. I bought a bicycle yesterday. The bicycle I got for free was too small and very uncomfortable to ride for any period of time and so cheap the gears didn’t shift properly. Since it is hilly here, operational gearing is needed.

Peace

Day 3 – 61 hours of juice fasting

I am juice fasting as a duty to my body. It is rejuvenation. It is transformation. It is space and silence and listening.

When I was driving home at lunchtime, I really wanted to eat. But I prayed for Jesus to come into my fast. The word "prayer" has been on my mind. At lunch time, I pondered the subject. I have no answers. I get the most from prayer if I just stop and sink into it wordlessly. There are no new prayer techniques that are going to be more entertaining for the ego. God is satisfying but not at the ego level; and it is the ego I experience most of the time. So at lunch, I was able to pray and patiently wait. Prayer in this way becomes communion; but not ego gratification. This may be a lesson I am learning about the fact of God's presence.

Coming back from lunch, I searched the internet looking for "something." I found that fasting is for sale. Everything is for sale nowadays. We need to stop buying, but “they” want us to keep buying. I will have to practice my fasting and come to my own conclusions. Like most things in this life, I’ve read everyone else’s book. I know the techniques. Now it is up to me to journey forth and find my own gold.

Back to the nagging doubts: I guess because my bowel is empty, I want to eat. I guess because I am tired of the juice, I want to eat. I may switch to Master Cleanser for a few hours, because this does not turn me off. The distilled water is delicious.

Well, there was another change at work: one of the top dogs was fired (we have been downsizing for months). Change scares me and I want to eat. But change is also transformation. Fasting is about transforming inside: so I go back to my inner searching, investigating fear and seeking Presence. Both are there. They are the gold. They are satisfying.

May I always subsist, abide and love this Communion with Them, which is so greatly on my mind and contained in “prayer.”

Distilled water is the water of life.

Juice fast - 47th hour

I wanted to pray, but I don’t know anything.
I can barely read or focus on anything.
My only possibility for prayer is silence.

Is prayer asking or talking or yearning?
Is the word, “prayer,” an expression of my deepest yearning for the Divine Presence?
His one Word of Love is my only thought and my only reality.

What really could be more fulfilling than allowing yourself to offer your innermost precious essence to the divine?
And know that the divine has offered Theirs?
And all precious essence is one.

I am the nectar of divine Life.
I am the sweetness of divine Love.
The scent of lilac drifts into my senses. It is communion.

It is quiet. I gasp. My heart beats.
The Gift of Presence is found in the depths of desire.
There is no one here but God.

Reflections - Fasting 122 Hours

There is a difference between a secular solitary and a monk eremitic. The secular solitary is alone just to be alone. The monk is alone to be alone with God. By secular, I do not mean atheist. By monk, I do mean spiritual; the monos who is one heart with God. The secular solitary may say prayers. The monk is the prayer.

I am a monk. The point of my life is God. I am not traditionally consecrated into a religious tradition. I am a monk in the world; self styled. I learned about being a monk from Benedictines. I learned about it from books. Most of my monastic practices are traditional: lectio divina (spiritual reading) and contemplative prayer. Anthony was an early Christian who famously started the tradition; leaving the city and going out in the desert to live with Christ and fight demons. But most Holy Rules for monks advocate the structure of a monastery. I am the variety who left the monastery and went to the Poustinia to live on my own. The lack of religious validation is a cross I seem to bear; a relic of my Benedictine teaching. I have no trappings, like religious garb, or title, or hairdo. I look very ordinary and do not generally speak publicly of who I really am.

You might say, “But you are an engineer.” I would say, “I don’t have a desert cave or a monastery, so I work for a living.” You might say, “You are a runner.” I would say, “I am running to God. I run in the Spirit.” Alone, I am not constantly busy, not even reading all the time. Often, I just sit and contemplate. I spend hours in lectio. I listen. I am silent. I am being still and waiting.

I live in a Poustinia. Poustinia is the Russian word for desert. It was traditional for Orthodox monks to go to a hermitage. A Poustinia in the West is a place for someone to go and seek God. It is a place of silence and solitude and prayer. Although looking like a house, inside it is the Mount of Carmel, the Mount of Tabor, the cave of Jesus tomb, the cave of Elijah, the Bodhi tree of Siddhartha, a Tibetan mountain peak, an ashram of one in an Indian forest. The Poustinia is the agony of the cross where Jesus cried, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” The Poustinia is the river of baptism and the mount of transfiguration where God cried out, “This is my beloved Son, listen to him.” The Poustinia is a prostration at the foot of the cross, and before the Glory of God. The Poustinia is the wild shouting, “Hosanna” and “Maranatha.” It is the place where I have chosen to go.

My Poustinia is also in my heart, my consciousness; my inner temple where God dwells eternally. I go to work and the store and the marathon and other places, but my life is always hidden in the inner temple, known only to Christ. The light of Christ shines out. If it was me that lived in the world, not Christ, there would be no light for others and I would be a dreadfully sickened person. This is not so.

In the Poustinia, there is the darkness of Mother Theresa, the great faith of pilgrims crowding Lourdes. There is Eucharist and Adoration and Reconciliation. There is no football or election campaign or financial crisis. The monk’s material needs are minimized, being filled by God. Music is a type of veil, hiding the soul from God; or a covering which prevents the mind from being totally exposed to the divine light. The news is a distraction, diverting thought from the divine Presence and from prayer. TV is programming; filling the mind with something other than Christ. The monk’s food will often stray into nothing but spiritual texts; eating the words and being satisfied with God. The Poustinia is not often ecstatic. Usually it is just a desert, just a silent place, just faith. With the darkness of God’s silence and the blinding light of faith, the monk waits and watches and listens and prays. This is the life of a monk in the world and what I have embraced as my vocation.

This leads into my response to your question, “Why am I telling you about being a monk?” There are cosmic and eschatological reasons for the eremitical life, the silent life. At a minimum, the conscious contact of one person with God is a gift for all; whether they know it or not. Christ is a cosmic consciousness remembered for all and given to all. It is because I feel the inner light of Christ beaming out to all creation. I wanted to offer Christ consciousness as a gift; and remind us of spiritual realities beyond normal day-to-day life.

One person alone praying seems so worthless. No evangelization is attempted. The works of charity do not take place in the physical world. Purpose is carried out metaphysically and spiritually; perhaps not seen but deeply known. No trace of the hermit’s healing hands are found, but surely they were there. No sound of the hermit’s prayer was heard, but surely a blessing was received.

In my silence and my fasting, I have found the well of praises for Christ my life. These praises gush forth uncontainable. My dam has broken. My reservoir empties. Peace be with you.

Reflections - Fasting 100 Hours

The hermitage, the fast and the long run are mine today. I have a sense of humility about it because nothing seems to have been accomplished. I existed in worldly uselessness; yet conscious of continuous divine communication. I prayed, but the divine communication was unperceived, seen only by faith and heart.

Running, fasting and solitude are my cross; unexplainable to the uninitiated. These are gifts I carry; vertical aspiration and horizontal expansion. Carrying the cross, I am the tool of Spirit. I seek not crucifixion, nor sacrifice, nor suffering. I carry a cross of joy in Spirit, peace in all directions and love at its heart.

Running, fasting and solitude have emptied me today. If not for the four days of juice, the 17 miles in a hilly frigid park and abstinence from the world; I might be fat, dumb and complacent. Fasting prepared the raw materials. Running threw me over a cliff, where the gentle embrace of solitude became my cushioned fall and endless immersion in light.

The fasting was the furnace. The running was the pounding and shaping by the divine hammer. The solitude was the quenching. I have become a tempered soul under the hand of Divine Love. I was refined from a pile of dirt to fine gold. I was transformed from an iron bar to a tempered steel sword. I was etched with beautiful designs and mysterious symbols. I am lovingly oiled and polished and placed in a sheath worn at My Lord’s waist.

There lies my humility, again I notice. I am carried at the side of Love, never withdrawn for violence, beauty forever hidden. I am an accessory, an accoutrement. His Presence requires my service, but my purpose is hidden away from what I appear to be. My silent unused position is a kind of prostration which I gladly offer.

What a strange reflection today. It is nonsensical, meaningless puffs of fantasy, musings of a spiritual drunk, the ravings of a mystical fool.

Christ the life of my soul.
My life hidden in Christ.
Christ lives, not I.

Fasting 54 hours - Reflections

The desert to which Christ calls me, in fasting and in solitude, is not for ecstasy but for contemplation. It is for learning to be satisfied with the knowledge of His Presence, not euphoria. In the desert, my life becomes Christ; as I lose all other identities and worldly props. I am here because He called. I am here because He is Love. I am here because I’m willing to give up all but His Light. In contemplation, I am light; nothing else, nothing special. I have no special perception and I do not ask for anything; merely being in His Presence. I am neither saint nor sinner nor wisdom nor dullness. The others here with me in the desert, fasting and contemplating and utterly silent, form a chorus of pure joyful thought communicating with Love through a channel of unified innocence and holiness. There is only one well from which we drink the living water; and only one life which flows in our veins. Having given up all else, only His joy is ours; as we are Christ.

For what other purpose would I use my human life? Does the problem of not knowing God strike anyone as crucial? I have nothing to give but everything of the world to lose in order to remember Love. At what point would I give up on God and go out to eat? At what point would I stop in my tracks and realize what it is I really want; falling at His feet in gratitude for His ever extended Love. He did not ask for more than my glance; and suddenly I saw and was captivated.

I worked out on the porch early this morning. My passion for Him was in the nudging of the resistance on the bike or the speed of the treadmill. I ran 6 miles this afternoon. My passion for Him was in the effort of racing up a hill, the squinting at the sun, or the sudden looking up to see a bird. I went to work and related. I went to WalMart and smiled. I sat in silence, in light, and waited; embraced by Love.

Christ is my whole life.

Reflections - juice fast

Reflections during the first 30 hours of a juice fast:

Fasting is not about sin. I am already holy and pure, but I may not know it. Fasting is equal to going to work and doing the dishes, just part of my life.

I had symptoms of self disgust which I was projecting onto my body. The disgust is a mind sickness. In fasting, I am putting away my foolish hatred and giving it to Christ. What came first, the healing or the fasting? Fasting is a symptom of healing.

I fast because I’ve discovered what is right about me. Fasting is a triumphal journey away from the ego’s prison into the heart of God.

Fasting is easier said than done. We read of its physical and spiritual benefits, yet there are times of weakness, where quitting is so close. At 3 pm, driving home from work, I assumed that I would go for a short run and then eat; all resolve was gone. But, during the run, I decided I would make juice and tea and then decide. By the time I got to drinking those items, I also had a spiritual book in front of me, “The Hermitage Within.” Reading the book it occurred to me, I am not fasting by my choice but at the request of Christ. I could not break the fast too soon no more than I would take a drink of alcohol.

I wanted Jesus to tell me what fasting has to do with A Course in Miracles (ACIM). The relationship is buried in the quiet. In fasting, I have made a strange desert solitude where I am alone with God, in quiet conversation. Sometimes I feel hunger and temptation to satisfy the pallet, but do not respond. I am cold; wouldn't hot food be great? To not respond to temptation, I turn to the Holy Spirit and occupy my mind with the knowledge of God’s love; how much God wants me. Eating is not a need, God is. Hunger is not real but a delusion; God’s yearning is real.

Though I might want to fast for health, I cannot accomplish anything without God. The gift of fasting is too much too contemplate, as is the Love of God. The best I can do is try to stay with it one more moment; and this is not accomplished without Help.

Distilled water is His greatest gift.

The Love of God - Juice Fast Day 4

To blog or not to blog. I am low on caffeine, so my mind is very quiet.

Today's ACIM workbook lesson: "I am sustained by the Love of God." The explanation of the lesson encourages us to put all our faith in God, not idols or trivial and insane replacements for the love of God (overeating, TV, money, problems, decorating our bodies, ego pride practices, etc.).

The lesson encourages me to remember the phrase as often as possible. To which I add my desire: I don't want the words to be an empty effort. I want my heart to open and the Love of God to be real.

This lesson works well with my juice fast which is now on day 4. [Once again I repeat: when I juice fast, I get more nutrition that I do when eating whole food because it is concentrated without the fiber. Juice fasting is a powerful health restorative.] On a juice fast, I lose all my little daily props which get me through the day because they are partial anaesthetics. I have none of my mind numbing techniques which help me avoid facing God. Do I believe in God? Do I believe God is love? What is love? Do I want God to love me? Do I think God pretty much doesn't know I exist? This is the desert. Jesus is walking with me.

Today, part of my focus is to touch the inner place where God is, and project that out, seeing that everything is His Presence.

I started this fast thinking that I wanted to detox and rely on God more. I'm going to be 50 on January 12, time for a new outlook on life. I want to find new, "enlightened" ways of being. Last night, I asked Jesus, "Why really am I doing this? In my words, not someone elses." I received these five words:

• CHANGE - new paradigms of thought and purpose
• RECEIVING - letting God do everything
• PEACE - fasting ends the inner fights and wars. Also, today is day 4 of my fast and day 4 of Isreal attacking Gaza.
• LOVE - That is being love. The last thing most people would think of to do to increase love would be fasting; but somehow, I think love is what Jesus found in the desert.
• TRUST, FAITH - How foolish does fasting appear to be, but God uses it as an environment for greater reliance on Him.

Today I got up at 3, my usual time for spiritual study and meditation. I went for a run at 4:30. Then I went to WalMart for 4 pears and 2 yams and distilled water. I found a juice recipie for joggers which I will make later (2 pears, 1 yam and 4 oranges).

Now I am at work and drinking distilled water.

Juice Fasting Disclaimer

I feel compelled to mention, because I am aware of ignorant doubters, that when I juice fast, my body actually gets supercharged with nutrients and is in a condition to better absorb what it needs, without having to digest anything. So...I am not starving! Juice fasting is a skill and an artform; you don't just quit eating and expect to accomplish anything.

Also, the main difficulty is the mental obcession with eating. Working with this contemplatively is part of the gift of fasting.

I will share my journey; its ups and downs.

Spiritual Tools and Gratitude

I wanted to express additional gratitude to God.

My life is focused on the spiritual. So few actually want "seeking God" to be the main theme of their life. How grateful I am. How happy I am. I have been given a wonderful spiritual tool kit...and the willingness to use it.

Some tools are obviously spiritual: contemplation, lectio divina and worship.

Other tools are adjunct, but in my opinion necessary: fasting, raw food diet, colon cleansing, spirulina and chlorella, juicing, filtered water, sobriety, exercise.

So many of us bemoan our pocket books or envy the other people. I am rich with health and spiritual connection, Christ consciousness. Yet most people would not want to use my tool kit. Most people would not trade their bar-b-q for my colonic irrigation. Most people would not want to trade an hour of TV for an hour of contemplative prayer.

I am happy and grateful for the wealth of willingness. I don't yet know how I unlocked my spirit initially, but all of my practice since then has only opened the door wider and wider. I say again, how grateful I am.

Daniel Day 39 - Review

From ACIM:

• ...He (God) will be heard when you place no other gods (ego stuff) before Him.
• His Voice (God's) still calls you to return...
• Reality can dawn only on an unclouded mind.
• The miracle is the act of a Son of God (us) who has laid aside all false gods (ego stuff), and calls on his brothers to do likewise...(because) he strengthens It (God's Voice) in a sick brother...(because) one mind can shine into another because all the lamps of God were lit by the same spark.

Today, if you hear God's Voice, harden not your heart (Hebrews 3:15). Christ be my light.

In the Spirit of Old Testament Daniel, I sought to complete a 40 day Daniel Fast. Here are initial goals and results:

1. I seek knowledge and understanding of all kinds; including understanding of visions (Daniel 1). I believe I see more clearly the Truth of Christ present in every human and all creation.

2. I seek to see the man dressed in linen, and to understand the Book of Truth (Daniel 10). The man in linen is The Christ in humanity and Truth is that God totally loves all of us all the time.

3. I seek to re-dedicate my life to the Kingdom; by focusing on this and nothing else. The idea that my material life is but a store front for my spirituality has deepened. This idea helps me to focus only on the Christ light as I go through each day.

4. I seek wisdom in the most basic element of my life: sustenance. I am completely unhappy that, even though I run 50 to 70 miles a week, I still gain weight. I need a spiritual break through to learn what to eat, how much and when. I am so completely unhappy instead of enjoying myself as a child of God. Accomplished.

5. I seek a spiritual basis of my life. Just trying to abstain without the power of God is meaningless, and it seems not to work. Accomplished.

6. I seek gratitude for all Jesus has done to help me. Accomplished.

7. I resolve to abstain from royal (party or junk) foods for 40 days. Accomplished!

• Cheezits and cookies from the snack machine.
• Processed soy products such as Chicken Patties and Steak Starters.
• Butter, and half and half. d. Asiago bagels e. Potato Soup (preservatives)
• Peanut butter (sugar, comfort food)
• Salt
• Coffee (but not tea) in order to eliminate creamer (and its chemicals)
• Eat only unleavened, stone ground, unpreserved bread.
• Salad dressing with preservatives.
• Free Cell – eating while playing cards on the computer.
• I haven’t mentioned a number of other items because I already don’t eat meat or drink alcohol.

8. What I really want to do is not cheat myself or God for 40 days. Accomplished!

10. I want to lose about 5 pounds, but the goal is God supported discipline in eating. That is, I don’t rationalize cheating because I am honoring God. I lost about 7 pounds.

I have decided to continue on with the spirit of Daniel, Ezekiel, John Baptist and Anna Prophetess praying and fasting, night and day for decades within the Temple; accompanied by Jesus of the desert, who baptizes with the Holy Spirit, resists temptation of devils and is ministered by angels. I am much happier like this.

I started this fast in a scapular of burlap with a rough cross scrawled front and back. Today I will be invested with the Benedictine scapular and dedicate my life deeper and deeper to the service of Christ and learning in the school of the Lord's service. A scapular was initially the monk's work apron. It became stylized over the centuries, but it is still for me a symbol of the yoke of Christ. Embroidered with the cross, it is a symbol of my dedication and an outer garment symbolizing the Lord's tent. My spirit dwells within the tent. My heart is the altar.

I want to live today with the vision of God's light in everyone I see. I ask Jesus for help because each moment is the work of God.

Daniel Day 34 - Yearning

Psalm 66:

• Bless our God, you peoples;
• Who holds our souls in life,
• You let enemies ride over our heads;
  we went through fire and water;
  but You brought us out into a place of refreshment.
• All the earth bows down before You...I will pay You my vows...

ACIM:

• Remember always that you cannot be anywhere except in the Mind of God.

This evening I found myself with a great longing and an inkling of the fact that I am in love with The Most High God, and all His creation, His Christ.

I want to go deeper in to this "Christ."

Yearning for You.

Humble, destitute, You are all I have.

God, I think I love You.

God, I admit, I am Your creature, one of Your creations.

You are my Creator, and I love You.

Of course, the only place I want to be is on my knees,

before You in awe.

Buffeted by the waves of Your Love;

This creature washes back and forth,

clinging to life,

alive, living, giving, sharing, loving.

Daniel Day 32

In the third year of Cyrus king of Persia, Daniel was doing a three week penance. He took no agreeable food, touched no wine or meat, and did not anoint himself. On the banks of a river, he saw the "Person like a man" dressed in linen with a voice like a multitude (theophany of the Son of Man). The man said, "Daniel, do not be afraid: from that first day when, the better to understand, you resolved to mortify yourself before God, your words have been heard, your words are the reason why I came...Do not be afraid...peace be with you..."

As I read these words in prayer, I allowed the possibility that God hears me to open in my heart. Then, as my heart was an open blossom, I felt touched and breathed on and breathed in. We are loved more than any of us will ever know. I allowed the possibility and the touch increased. He is always there, waiting more for me than me for Him.

This is the consummated moment for the celibate, the person vowed to God.

Daniel Day 31

A dialog between The Bible and ACIM:

• Psalm 36: You're (The Lord) a fountain of cascading light, and You open our eyes to light.
• ACIM: When God said, "Let there be light," there was light...light is understanding.
• NT John: Jesus said, "I am the light of the world."
• ACIM: The miracle worker begins by perceiving light...
• NT John (letter): God is light. In Him there is no darkness.
• ACIM: Can you find light by analyzing darkness...looking for a distant light...
• NT 2 Corinthians: For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ
• My prayer: Christ be my light.

We focus on love: God is love. Love makes us feel good. Usually it is just our egos that feel good. Light and love are the same thing. We ignore the light, yet it is the most persistent thing of our lives.

Well, I survived my hunger experiment and am still continuing it.

Last night, I had to go to the waste water treatment plant at 10 and when I got home at 11, I was hungry. I just went to bed and thought about it: Here I am, an American with a kitchen full of food, laying in bed hungry and not responding. I was practicing self denial. What a concept. I'm not sure I have ever faced this practice in such a stark reality. Eventually I went to sleep.

The implications of experiencing hunger as a prayer form in relation to world peace are tremendous. Voluntary hunger is different than third world starvation, but it does remove my consciousness from our ordinary American material satisfaction to meet God's Light in prayer.

This morning, I got up at 4, drank some green tea while I did my spiritual reading, went for a walk, made some juice and got to work by 6:30. Now, I have not yet ate, but drank juice, tea and water. I am not hungry right now. I have before gone on juice fasts for many days; but during this Daniel Fast, I didn’t even try. The fear was too great. Yet, somehow I have faced the fear and gone through it. I had to find the spirituality of it before I could.

Today there is word that the union will vote again on Friday to extend their old contract. I hope they do. Maybe my fasting and prayer will help.

Daniel Day 30

I want to remember Love today. That is my intention and resolve. Jesus will help me to remember if I ask. I turn my thinking over to Jesus' guidance and I know I will remember.

I had a wonderful moment of clarity in my morning meditation today:

REALITY, not the ego world (of hate and judgment) most of us are conscious of, is the intangible world of Love. Love is the predominent mode of existence. Consistently deny the ego's perception of error in others; and you will be left only with Love. Be vigilant for Love; and know Heaven. The Kingdom of Heaven, REALITY, in within our minds and in all; we just need to be aware of Love instead of ego. My whole spiritual practice has the purpose of helping me to live in The Kingdom and not in the ego world.

Coming to work in the middle of the night and dealing with mud and smelly water is not so bad when I remember Love; and Love is everywhere. Love is the reality we forget to see or pretend not to see.

Daniel Day 29

• ...judgment is the setting of a price...to price is to value...your return is in proportion to your judgment of worth.
• ...you cannot be grateful for what you do not value.
• Valuing it little, you will not appreciate it and you will not want it.
• ...see only truth (in that brother) beside you...

Yesterday, I went to Lauds and Mass at the Benedictine monastery up the street. I went there because a) I did not feel like to frenetic drive to the city and b) I am considering associating myself with the monastery by becoming an oblate. I spent much thought yesterday listening to my ego's reasons for becoming an oblate: how the shiny oblate medal and my picture in their newsletter will vindicate my previous failure to become a sister at a different monastery. But, the Holy Spirit has reasons too and it is these which I am discerning: commitment, love, ACIM forgiveness, and peace are the primary ones. As I am able to stop judging these religious women and love them instead, my ego is dethroned and I find myself healed also.

As I lay on my bed last night, I realized how I have never wanted anything from my heart. In my life, my ego has sought after accomplishments for its own grandiosity. All ego achievements turn out to be cheap shiny medals; which we quickly cast aside and search for something greater. I want to want oblation because I love God and I love Christ in these people. I want to value something before I die. I want to do something honestly before I die. Do I commit to life in the world as a Benedictine? (you ACIM people would appreciate the philosophical overlap)

I have recently thought my life on this planet was optional; that is, I have no family or commitments so who cares if I am alive. Yet, I see today that this clearly shows how I do not value myself or the role I must have in God's creation, or God would not have created me. Not valuing myself, I in fact have lived with the ego's consciousness which hates me. Hating myself, I hate all others as well. This is the separation which the Holy Spirit offers to heal. I can't do it myself.

Well, I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast; although, I've noticed that sometimes I don't focus on it. These next 10 days, I need to regain the Spirit of Daniel (who refused to defile himself and clung fiercely to God). I also know that I am much happier eating the way I am now. Nothing nutritional is missing and there is not too much. By going about it with spirituality, I have broken a habit. The habit is an unhappy thought pattern which causes me to eat too much and eat stuff that causes a craving for more. Even processed vegetarian foods do this. Leavened bread has sweetener in it and that makes me wonder if that even is the cause for desiring it. So, I have a decision to make. At the end of 40 days, do I commit to maintaining the eating pattern indefinitely? I know any deviation causes unhappiness. Even when I eat something that I think is a treat, it isn't as good as my ego makes it out to be. So in these days of fasting, my ego has been dethroned. I have been food sober.

I feel trepidation to ask God for a lasting strength to keep a commitment. God loves me. God is love. There should be no fear here. Yet it shows I still have to grow in the love of God. Well...the freezer is full of unleavened bread and every day I throw out a few slices of leavened bread.

Lord, have mercy on me. My life is confusing right now. The company's hourly workforce is on strike and managers are starting to train to operate the plant. So, my normal routine is out the window. Scarey also to see so many hard feelings, which will increase as the union figures out they aren't coming back on agreeable terms. My role is to be peace and forgiveness no matter what.

Daniel Day 28

• The very fact that the Holy Spirit has been asked for anything will ensure a response...There are many answers you have not yet heard.
• If you would know God and His Answer, believe in me (Jesus) whose faith in you cannot be shaken.
• Salvation is of your brother (other people)...His words are the Holy Spirit's answer to you...there is a light in his mind... This light can shine into yours, giving truth to his words and making you able to hear them.
• The message your brother gives is up to you...Your decision about him determines the message you receive. Remember that the Holy Spirit is in him...

Listen. I silence my ego's yammering voice and try to listen to another, quieter Voice. I try to be at peace with others, listen to them and get along. ACIM forgiveness is really a practice of remembering that the Holy Spirit and the Light of God, are in other people. As I see it in them, I will know it in myself; and we all proceed to Heaven. Any other way is of the ego and keeps us firmly in the ego world. One good thing is that if you forget to see the light in any situation, you can later go back in your thoughts and rearrange them according to the Holy Spirit's guidance.

I don't know about you; but I don't really like it here.

Yesterday I had much time to ponder. I was fasting and noticing that I wanted to eat to kill time. I listened to the little voice desiring to stuff food in its mouth. With my hands and eyes and thoughts, I was copying Psalms into a book. This kept me occupied long enough to realize that nothing outside of God will satisfy me. My ego is never satisfied. Any ambivalence in my thinking is due to confusion over what I should be "doing." Doing doesn't matter to the Holy Spirit; meaning and the content of doing matters. The truth is presented as meaning. It is known, not done. Nothing outside of God will satisfy. I am a spirit and only Spirit can satisfy me; not rewards, not recognition, not religion, not food. God alone.

So, I sit quietly. I copy Psalms. I listen.

Daniel Day 26 - Remembering

Starting with the question, "Why don't I remember God?" a wonderful spiritual journey and experience can begin.

I can remember anything I want to remember. Why not God? I must not want to remember God. So I must look at myself and see why I don't want to remember God. In fact, I must be doing things to not want to remember God.

If I want to remember something else, I do things. Here are the things:

• I set things out of place.
• I set alarms.
• I make habits.
• I succumb to peer pressure and society's rules (caring what others think of me).
• I have a bodily need like hunger or tiredness.
• I'm addicted.
• I want it for grandiose reasons; like rewards or to please others.
• I could be avoiding pain or lose.

What if I threw everything I had into remembering God? Why don't I want to be successful? Am I incapable? No...discern further.

From ACIM:

• …confused communication does not mean anything. A message cannot be communicated unless it makes sense.
• How sensible can your message be when you ask for what you do not want?...as long as you are afraid…that is precisely what you are asking for.
• You and your Creator can communicate through creation.
• Christ is in me…

I can’t remember God because I am asking about an idea of something which I don’t know what it is. Thus, I am asking for something which I have been told I should want but do not really want because I don’t know what it is. If you say God is Love, and I do want that, I might be confused. So much of my idea of love is really self serving. If I feel like a spiritual failure and cry out in prayer, it is really my ego, not God, that I am praying to. I am begging my ego to set me free and I know this because the world of perception is the ego’s. The belief that I am a physical being (instead of a spiritual one) is the ego’s. The only way to pray is to calm down and look into my silent depths. Christ is in me.

I can support Christ in me by realizing something else. Pay attention, I am going to shift this discussion a little. I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast and today is day 26. Fasting, combined with prayer, is for life changing spiritual breakthrough. Indeed, my own life has shifted tremendously from what it was like before starting the fast. I was running 50 or more miles a week and very unhappy because I was gaining weight. Now, I haven’t been running due to a foot injury but have lost 5 pounds; thus am very much at peace. Then, I hated religion, the limitations of religious rules, and thought the monastery up the street was pansy ass. Now, I have returned to church, want to understand what my 4 year education in Benedictine life was about, and am considering becoming an oblate at the monastery up the street. Then I was just an employee at a company I disapproved of. Now, I am willing to join the team of management in running the plant without hourly people (who are on strike) in order to save the company and change our culture. Then, I was afraid of losing my retirement. Now, I see wall street adjustments as a good thing and am not relying on anything but God. AND I am at peace with all these changes; that is the miracle part.

What these changes mean in the spiritual realm is that I see myself behaving, believing and loving in ways that are not possible for my ego. I see myself do what my ego does not want to do and realize that there is something higher than my ego in operation in my life. I see that I have and need to continue to turn my thinking over to this higher beneficent power who helps me be at peace at all times no matter what is going on. My ego only wants rewards and recognition. Beneficence wants to love. Beneficence must be “Christ within me.” I must throw all my effort into allowing Beneficence to be my consciousness.

Look at the list of things I do when I WANT to remember something. If I look at the peace and love Beneficence brings, and think about it quietly, I will find I WANT that. If I WANT something, then I am perfectly capable of ensuring that I remember it. So There!