Working Friday

Today, I am at work. I am here extra early. I didn't do any exercise this morning. I do have much work to complete for a refrigeration safety review.

But, though I slept longer instead of exercise, I did not skip my spiritual exercise. This morning, I touched on A Course in Miracles workbook lesson 189 and chapter 27.IV "The Quiet Answer" from the text. As I read "quiet", I let go of my world and let God's world take over. My world had men who think it is ok to rape women, or kidnap school girls to sell, or continue the mad capitalism or materialism which is killing a peaceful society. In my world, I grow old and wonder if my heel will ever relax and stop hurting; so I can walk for miles.

In God's world, there is quiet:

Lesson 189: "Simply do this: Be still, and lay aside all thoughts of what you are and what God is; all concepts you have learned about the world; all images you hold about yourself. Empty your mind of everything it thinks is either true or false, or good or bad, of every thought it judges worthy, and all the ideas of which it is ashamed. Hold onto nothing. Do not bring with you one thought the past has taught, nor one belief you ever learned before from anything. Forget this world, forget this course, and come with wholly empty hands unto your God."

Text 27.IV: "In quietness are all things answered, and is every problem quietly resolved....The holy instant is the interval in which the mind is still enough to hear an answer that is not entailed within the question asked. It offers something new and different from the question."

Perhaps it was not my choice but spirit's that brings me to this moment. It occurs to me how much I need the text and workbook of A Course in Miracles to remind me of quiet; and that in quiet I get my answer. When I choose quiet, I relax. I can go do my day.

At times, I feel as if I am still digging my way out of foot surgery and 6 weeks of non- weight bearing living. I feel as if I am still getting to know this post-menopausal body; but also to build it. But the methodology of training is not the same. Other women can walk 100 miles, or 72 hours, or 10 days. This opportunity is available to me; but I need to learn a new way.

In quiet, I receive my answers. In the Holy Instant, I hear what the Spirit is saying. I can "simply do this."

Awakening

Plotinus Enneads 3.6.6: "...like dreamers take for actualities the figments of their sleeping vision. The sphere of sense, the Soul in its slumber; for all of the Soul that is in body is asleep...in any movement that takes the body with it there is no more than a passage from sleep to sleep..."

I am a consciousness asleep that wants to awaken. Doing anything doesn't help. Following the instructions of guru after guru, I have been frustrated. It became time to set out on my own.

I find the light in quiet. In quiet I make some type of connection with Authentic Being. I need A Course in Miracles because it gives me my own Teacher. My workbook lesson for today was, "Let me remember I am one with God." And then I became quiet. I left the world of sense and body. And I knew the vastness of The One. It was a brief glimpse, but I did know it.

Some teachers and books grant freedom from this world. There are various ways of looking at it. Some religions only grant freedom after death. But I. What do I say? What do I receive from my own depths.

I can sit in quiet and devote my mind towards God. I can wait in that place not of this world. There don't seem to be worldly rewards from my practice. This annoys my ego that I have nothing to show. Inner peace is in some way anti-life-in-this-world. It is pro-Life-in-That-Authenticity.

Any time I study outside, my hope become dashed. The methodology didn't work. But if I become patient and allow, then I know. Then I am awake. Freedom is free; terribly free.

I must do miles.

Some Undreamed Of Me

Well of course, I had to have dreamed it or it wouldn't be.

Today's lesson from A Course in Miracles: There is nothing my holiness cannot do. And then I had quiet. I thought a positive thought. I mean, a positive thought came to me. It was: What if I asked to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer, and I have ended up in this cave of prayer. I mean, I really came to understand my dwelling as a cave of prayer. Not a suburban duplex but really a cave of prayer. No, it doesn't look like what a Desert Father lived in at the dawn of Christianity. No obvious holy objects or altars. But none the less, it is a cave of prayer.

Today at work, a picture was taken of me. Yup, I work in a chemical plant. The fancy head set is because it is noisy around the refrigeration compressors and I needed to talk with the technician. Don't I look cool? Well, actually, if I didn't know that was me, I don't think I'd recognize me.

Oh...yeah.... it is cold in Texas today. Hence the jacket.

I even was able to finally explain to someone in a sound bite and without recrimination why I am a vegetarian. And also say it is my own conviction of my own belief, not some religious rule that came from others. I don't belong to any religion. You have to pray if you want a conviction. Once you have a conviction, Spirit will keep you safe forever.

I am safe forever. I don't think I realized that before.

I can rest in quiet too. The incessant yammering is still.

The Qs: Quest, Quandary, Quiet, Quotient

1/1/14

Lesson one of A Course in Miracles workbook: Nothing I see means anything.
In the ACIM text I am at 24.VII.6 ; "What is it for?"
I am also studying Plotinus and am in Ennead 6.8.

I have no resolutions for a new year. I have a continuance of whatever I was involved in.

The Quest: yes, I still seek God.
The Quandary: yes, I still feel separate from relationships with others. I don't know anyone with whom I could discuss ACIM or Plotinus (apart from the internet). I don't participate in life; and continue to see society in general as "fallen". So no, I won't join. No I won't feed specialness. I continue to have little in common with others and nothing to discuss.
The Quiet: in solitude, I can find my essence, return to my source and be at peace.
The Quotient: balancing the Quandary with the Quiet.

In my life, the pieces cannot be moved. I can only balance them and seek inner peace. So a lesson like number one above gives me a great deal of joy. Yes, I can let go. Yes, I can look beyond. Beneath the level of my ego, this is wonderful. The trick is to deny the ego and sink into the soul.

Week 5

I've completed 5 weeks of confinement due to foot surgery. These weekends, I've spent more time in spiritual study instead of doing miles outside. This weekend, I was partly reading "Glittering Vices", going to AA meetings, and studying A Course in Miracles.

Fighting giants. The Israelites didn't want to leave the desert and fight the giants in order to enter the promised land (Numbers and Deuteronomy). What giants do I not want to fight, hence staying in a desert. AA meetings have giants at the door. Each and every meeting is an ego battle. I have 28 years of sobriety. Why should I go to meetings? Because AA is a spiritual fellowship and a spiritual program of action for a spiritual malady. That I don't want to go to the fellowship is evidence that I still have the malady.

Silence is not enough. For my ego at least.

Trappings. Trappings are for the ego. If I have trappings, I am somebody. But if I refuse to look special or live in a special place or drive a special car, my ego hates it. Monastic life has trappings. Runners have trappings (those belt buckles we get to 100 miles). Buddhist monks. Lately, it seems like my spiritual life is nothing. I've not had any big moments of clarity or enlightenment. This doesn't mean God went away. It means the ego got nothing. But it led me to realize, what if I hadn't read books about other people's enlightenment experiences? Would I realize there is nothing wrong with this particular moment?

"Lay aside the body and quietly transcend...look you not back...." (ACIM 21.VI.9). Life in the monastery is over and in the past. Running is over and in the past. Quietly transcend.

Spirit soaring. I lay on the floor with one bad leg doing leg lifts. Not exactly as romantic as running 100 miles or climbing a mountain. But my spirit soared.

Accessibility: This week I was at the Hilton in College Station. Since most of the floors have a padded carpet, it was very difficult to get around on wheels. It was like pushing through sand or mud all day. And while they did have a chair lift to get to one of the meeting rooms, it was slightly broken. I got through the broken part and used it once. But later, when I had to go back to that room, I drove my car around to the back of the hotel and went in that way. Then a buffet lunch was provided. I had to ask a colleague to carry my plate since I couldn't hold it in one hand and also push through the carpet. I think I was the only "handicapped" person at the conference.

4 day weekend

For most folks it is Thanksgiving. For me, it is a 4 day weekend. And, I thank God that I do not have to participate in Thanksgiving. I love being off the hook. I remember various times in the past, in particular when I was in the monastery. I used to feel so guilty if I went for a jog instead of either cooking or decorating the tables. And we sat there waaaay too long. And there was an amazing mountain of dishes to be done after.

Speaking of the monastery, I gave in to my inner angst for this 4 day weekend. I ordered several "nun" books from Amazon and am having a nun-book-read-in this weekend. See I understand my personal quest for God. I understand that religious orders promise fulfillment of that quest if you become one of them. But I am one of the most unlikely-est people I can think of to spend 4 years in a Roman Catholic Benedictine semi-cloistered monastery with 60 elderly women. I got kicked out of the monastery, and the "false" promise of spiritual fulfillment. The training in monastic practices did significantly alter my life; and I use this to continue my quest in a much more efficient manner. I went in to the cloister and came out different. I am still unwaveringly on the spiritual quest. I am not Roman Catholic, but firmly a student of A Course in Miracles.

I need to go deeper into what this experience could have meant. So reading books about others should give me a broader perspective and give me the freedom to think about my own experience.

Otherwise, a 4 day weekend is for training. This morning I did a 10 mile jog. It was wonderful to be in the warmth of the Texas coast; but also foggy so a blanket of quiet was laid down on everything. Others were out jogging too. It was so peaceful.

I'll do a cross training workout this evening. And repeat for the next 3 days.

Holiness

I went in a half marathon today. I walk/jogged for the first 9 miles (2 hours) and then ran the last 4.1. I was saving my knee, since my doctor doesn't think running at this point is a really good idea. I see him again on Wednesday. I had an MRI last Wednesday.

Then, this afternoon, I was looking at the web page of the convent I used to live at. One of the young sisters has started wearing a veil. I would kill to hide myself in a holy garment; not that she is, that's just what my ego wants.

Then, sweeping the floors of my Texas palace, I thought about the mental difficulty I have with being nobody. I listened to my ACIM lesson for the day: "I have invented the world I see." And then I must laugh. If I take ACIM seriously, I see that I invented the perfect circumstance for me to give up the ego's thought system and take on the Holy Spirit's thought system.

Beside having my slowest time ever in a half marathon today, I enjoyed being one of the other walkers. I got to put another medal on a wall of my palace. This wall is coming to symbolize my story in Texas.

Quietly running. Quietly working out. Quietly drinking my green smoothies. Quietly cleaning my house. Quietly going about my work. It is all nothing. And so I know, the ego's world is nothing. 

There are some reasons why I want to love quiet and nothingness. Like the sisters veil, it is my sign of holiness. The wall with the medals is a symbol of holiness. The quiet solitude of my palace is a symbol of holiness.

The End of Greatness

My life has been so occupied with the move to Texas for about 2 months. All the hub-bub is over now. There was an army of people provided by my company which accomplished the task. I don't know why I am here at a deep level. I know that of the situation which existed at the time I decided, this was what I wanted. I like it here so far. I don't know if there is a deeper meaning for my spiritual or emotional growth. Now I am alone with my decision and my new life. Everything is quiet. The loneliness of the long distance runner and the solitude of the contemplative reign.

Little mentioned was my humiliating "did not finish" at a 50 mile race in October. The DNF caused me to totally realize I don't have the mind of an ultra runner. So there won't be any oohs or aahs over impossibly long races and physical hardship.

It seems like I would have already figured this out earlier, but I am not a religious woman. My monastic period is far in the past. As of this weekend, if I ever darken the doors of a Catholic church again, I won't know what to do. I don't qualify as a spiritual teacher. I am not a real monk or solitary. I haven't been enlightened.  God has not spoken to me personally. I haven't figured out the origins of the human species, or even if we are in fact spiritual beings. I still stand for my inner yearning to know my Higher Self, to have vibrant conscious contact.

But I cannot leave A Course In Miracles behind. Despite its nonsensical origins, the material works for me in my daily life. I'd even go so far as to say that quietly doing my daily practice is the only point of my life. If I ever satisfy my yearning for my Higher Self, I think it will be ACIM that paves the way.

If I truly set out for ego deflation at depth, then the purposeless emptiness of my life is successful.

Now I sit quietly in my nice duplex south of Houston. I am still a runner. I still run long distances. There will be another hurricane someday.

Seabrook Sunday Running

Here is where I went running today. In Seabrook, this gravel trail provides a nice 7 mile round trip; which is a convenient distance. Laps don't become too boring and you don't have to carry much water. First time I've run in a place that had snake and alligator warning signs. I'll probably run here every weekend.

I ran past this place too:

I also got my car inspected and went to the post office to get the keys to my mail box. No line in either place. I am living in a temporary apartment. Hopefully the moving van will show up Tuesday. I went to work for the first time on Friday. I really needed to get my work computer. Anyone who works for my company knows how important it is to keep up to speed and how so much can only be accessed from a company computer (I'm using my persona computer at the moment). My apartment has 2 TVs; which I haven't been watching. I can't bear the idea of a magnificent and majestic being spending its time watching drivel.

I spent this evening quietly. I was working on my Course in Miracles lesson. And drinking Ozarka water which tastes fabulous. The biggest spiritual challenge is to just sit and be quiet. I was "praying" for any person who came to mind by seeing the light and joy and peace abiding in them.

The Quest - Hawk Prelude

I read this morning something Thomas Merton said, "All that God asks of them is to be quiet and keep themselves at peace, attentive to the secret work that He is beginning in their souls." (don't know where this is published.)

For some reason, I flashed on Oprah Winfrey. I don't have a TV and haven't watched her show in 15 years, but I am aware of her endeavors. She ran a marathon. She is always trying to lose weight. She has an interest in the spiritual. She has access to a ton of experts. I can relate to her search and realized it is a typical yearning which those of us raised in the 60's seem to have.

I also had a flash of insight for myself: I (my ego) failed at being special. I went to the monastery in large part driven to be like Thomas Merton, whose books I had read. After arriving at the monastery, my spiritual journey was twisted into an ego conquest. I wanted so much to be consecrated and bear the initials OSB (Order of St Benedict) after my name, to wear special clothes (a habit) and to have passed through the presumed gateway to Jesus known as monastic profession.

Now, I have a daily spiritual under current to life. But it is difficult to discern results. Any progress could be measured in a peaceful life. Last night I asked myself, "How do I even know I have a spiritual life?" Silence was the answer. That I experience Silence is the only thing I have. Anything else is engineering.

Silence doesn't have any results. It just is. Just do it and don't ask it for anything.

This morning I slept in and there was no morning workout. I am resting my body in preparation for Saturday and the Hawk Marathon. Surprisingly, I am eager; far more eager than I was 2 weeks ago when I went to Vancouver.

Deep in my imagination, I wish I could run 100 miles. Not just any 100 miles but these:
http://hstrial-saltflats100endu.intuitwebsites.com/home.html

Space - 2

As a kid, I watched the original Star Trek on TV over and over about a gajillion times.

"Space, the final frontier...."

Space is abundant in my life. I don't mean a big house. I mean time not filled, empty time = space. It is a difficult challenge to not fill it. It is also difficult to let your entire spiritual life and practice consist of nothing but space. Space is truly the final frontier. It is beyond the ordinary busy life. It is beyond TV. It is beyond religion. It is nothing at all.

Space means cutting back on the number of thoughts. Letting the world become thin by thinking less of it. Letting your small self become thin by denying its thoughts.

Shut up and Listen

A Course in Miracles Text 23.I: "The memory of God comes to a quiet mind."

My lesson today: "The peace of God is shining in me now."

Today I will make no decisions by myself. So I wake up this morning and phone service/DSL is not working. I start to hear my ego plan its attack on AT&T regarding how they have made a bad connection. I switch my thinking to my lesson. I pause. To decide anything about AT&T is to make a decision for myself. The memory of God comes to a quiet mind.

I realize how deeply I don't want to spend the day with thoughts of attack against people or institutions (as I do everyday and so do you). The peace of God is shining in me now.

A bit more from the Text: "...truth stands radiant, apart from conflict, untouched and quiet in the peace of God."

I pause. I don't want to just mindlessly repeat today's lesson but to let it mean something, to believe it. The world is an illusion. I don't need to react to the world, because it does not exist. The world is an illusion, a projection of what I think. I'm going to ask the Holy Spirit for help and listen to His thoughts and decisions not mine. The memory of God comes to a quiet mind. All I need do is shut up and listen. The peace of God is shining in me now.

Now I am at work. AT&T has been contacted. I am listening to 2 colleagues having a "discussion" next door. I will make no decisions by myself. The peace of God is shining in me now.

Yesterday a colleague from another plant mentioned how he was thinking of becoming vegetarian. He knew I was because we had had dinner the night before and he noticed I did ok at the restaurant. I ask him, "Does it bother you to eat animals?" He says, "no." "So, don't become a vegetarian, just eat less meat if the health effects concern you." The peace of God is shining in me now.

People are shocked that I am bothered that people eat animals. I will make no decisions by myself. The peace of God is shining in me now. I'll let that be.

The mornings are finally cooler, in the 60s. I've been feeling great while running; faster. So, its time to make sure I am not stupid and overdo one day. I have some new shoes, a couple of brands, just to mix things up. The achilles is much better than its been for months. I'm looking forward to trails this weekend and a personal multi-day beginning next Thursday.

I love this picture:

I Wish God Would Love Me

So many of us spend our lives seeking approval and wanting others to love us. We want our parents to love us. We want our children to love us. We extend our needs to teachers and religious institutions and work places.

And we build our lives around this need for love. We try to achieve in order to be loved. We take vows in order to guarantee love. We help others. We seek enlightenment.

To achieve enlightenment, we participate in religion and liturgy. We fast and pray. We meditate. We have near death experiences in car accidents. We have cancer and nearly die. We become crippled. We become emotionally depressed. We take drugs. We run marathons, ultra-marathons, iron man triathlons and death marches through deserts. We may sit in solitude for years. We accept various therapies.

We wish for nirvana, for release from this terrible world. We do whatever we need to do to achieve the promised land. And because of this wish, many of us build wonderful and beautiful lives, exemplary and admirable in every way.

Underneath all this, is the grain of sand inside oyster which causes these pearls of lives to be created. The grain of sand hidden in the pearl is the tiny, quiet thought we have a hard time becoming conscious of, “I wish God would love me.”

Jesus loves you. God loves you. We hear this all the time but none of us really believe it (well very few of us). So first, acknowledge that you have this secret wish. Then realize that the second and even more hidden part of the thought is, “but I want to be loved specially.”

God loves us; but not me. God is love. Love does not differentiate between its creations. So God cannot love at an individual level. God loves the Son of God, Whom we are, thoughts of love in the Mind of Love.

So, acknowledging these hidden wishes and admitting that everything I’ve done in life was to earn special love, what next? I stop. I quit. I sit quietly. God loves us. I let the consciousness of that love surface in the quiet of my still mind. That’s all. Let Him in. Sit quietly and let Him in. then do whatever life seems to put in front of you with the power of God already in you; not attempting to earn it.

Now that I’m done scurrying around trying to find love, Love itself walks with me. We run because we love to run. We lift weights because it is part of our time together. I go to work. Let God be in charge; and come home to the holy instant where I am consciously and undeniably a thought of love in the Mind of Love. Nothing more.

Quiet and Miracles

From the Course in Miracles Text 28.I:
"The miracle comes quietly into the mind that stops an instant and is still. It reaches gently from that quiet time, and from the mind it healed in quiet then, to other minds to share its quietness. And they will join in doing nothing to prevent its radiant extension back into the Mind Which caused all minds to be. Born out of sharing, there can be no pause in time to cause the miracle delay in hastening to all unquiet minds, and bringing them an instant's stillness, when the memory of God returns to them. Their own remembering is quiet now, and what has come to take its place will not be wholly unremembered afterwards."

Nothing more need be said I suppose. I spend time with a quiet mind. I intend to be in quiet as much as possible for life. I believe that if I am just quiet in my thoughts then two things happen: a) I stop projecting ego nightmares of fear and hatred on the world, and b) the Holy Spirit has access to my mind to use it for healing all minds. I just need to let go. No, I don't think I'll get Alzheimer's disease because I didn't keep my brain active. No, I don't fear all the other tales of old age diminishment. I believe in God.

It is hard to describe how satisfying it is to sit with a quiet mind.

This morning, I worked out on the machines for 30 minutes and the ran 52 minutes on the hills. this evening, I skipped my evening exercise and sat in silence.

Taper Madness

Today is day three of complete inactivity as far as exercise goes. I'm going in a marathon on Monday. Since I beat up my legs pretty good over the summer (when I wasn't working and running 10 or 20 miles a day); I decided that I needed 5 days of complete rest before attempting a marathon. My weight is down to 130.8 this morning (good job with dieting).

This year is the 50th anniversary of the Heart of America marathon. Twice as many people as usual signed up. Hal Higdon is coming to sign his book "Marathon," which I don't have. They are even having porta-potties! (Usually, you are on your own out there, plenty of bushes though). On a sad note, they are having an awards "ceremony." Which means I'll miss picking up my age group plaque because I'll not be able to wait around 3 hours after finishing for the "ceremony" to start.

This morning, I was up early, as usual, but no running. I sat in the quiet of my apartment. I pondered the reality of tapering. Tapering is a time of waiting and emptiness. It is a time of anticipation as something-not-yet makes its way into the present. As a spiritual practitioner, it is a time to find holiness and peace in the waiting.

For many, it is a time of madness. The madness is a function of the ego; and without a conscious practice, most people experience emotional stress during empty periods in their lives. Without a consistent spiritual practice which has already learned to "be still and wait," people go crazy during inactivity. The ego jumps into action: shreiking out fears, angers, shame, failure, worry, vengefulness, etc. People can't stand the ego's terror, frustration and wild clanging. Instead, they go shopping or they eat.

In general, the ego is agitated during all periods of space and waiting. The reason is because God can be found in the quiet. The ego does not want the human to experience God; because experiencing God, the human will abandon the ego. The beginning spiritual practitioner experiences the same ego agitation as everyone else when the spiritual practice of silence is undertaken. The practioner determined to meet God will not quit as the ego agitation mounts. The ego agitation can be passed through. The ego does not have to win. People who quit the practice have allowed the ego to win. The determined spiritual practitioner who wants God above all else and persistently and consistently makes the effort to find inner peace; will eventually get through the ego's shrieks and find that peace. This effort is supported with help from a Higher Power. God wants first of all to enjoy the consciousnesses He made as His children.

This evening I will begin my sacred pre-marathon rituals. I will shave my legs. I will drink the Senna tea.