Gifts

I had a good weekend. Saturday I jog/walked 22 miles. I was going a bit faster than ultra pace but also carrying lots of water for weight. This speed annoyed one of my tendons in my left heel. Sunday is ultra walking day. When I do a race longer that 50k, you can bet there will be lots of power walking. So today, I walked 20 miles. I felt really good and no problems at all from feet or legs. No compression today and no tape on my knee. I did really well and I felt good.

So, my best ultra pace, for going all day is just under 4 mph. Think about it. Get your mind around a hundred miles of walking.

A year ago, my doctor released me from my boot and scooter and I took my first few steps on my foot since surgery 6 weeks earlier. God that hurt. A half a mile took me 18 minutes and it hurt like hell. Today was essentially pain free.

Why do I do this? I don't know, but after I get out beyond 15 miles, it is hard to get me to stop. I usually stop when I run out of water. Today I stopped because I forgot to lower the crock pot temperature before I left the house and figured I shouldn't leave it more than 5 hours.

Gift: I was looking at the Desert RATS web page. They have been working on it. It looks like the longest day is not 43 miles. That is down from 52. I can envision completing 42 miles on day 4, in 20 hours including some climbing. I had assumed I'd DNF 52 miles. But 43 is within my capability.

Gift: I had prayed according to A Course in Miracles to see a person differently. That person is now one of the site leaders who will work closely with me on my new project. I hadn't thought he was at all interested but it seems he really is very enthusiastic. So I do get to see him in a new context.

Gift: I got an e-mail from my brother this week. It is the first time in decades he has initiated contact. Usually it is me that e-mails him; and sometimes don't hear back for days.

I've been considering my spiritual journey. It seems that as I get better mentally, the high points of emotion no longer occur in conjunction with spiritual insight. Like silence really is silence. Not silence plus ecstasy. I realize that for many years my spirituality has been aimed at "better than." That is, as I left the monastery, I had to feel as good as or be better than the nuns. And this translated into an arrogant attitude towards the ordinary citizens who are far too busy with living to worry about God more than once a week.

A few days ago, I was reading an introduction to the work book for A Course in Miracles. It said that the first part was for undoing of thoughts and beliefs. The second part was for building a new spiritual belief system. I've always had trouble with the second part. So I started it again. It has alot less words. I'm going to give it a good chance.

See my life is changing. Last week was good evidence. I sold a tremendous idea to the manager of a large chemical park (800 employees plus 1000 contractors). Then I sold the idea to his top staff. It is a pinnacle for me in terms of self worth, getting out of self, feeling engaged. But also, expanding an idea by giving it away, being in a holy relationship. These are Course in Miracles concepts and it is cool to see them framed this way. My illusion is changing, healing, swinging into a happy dream. I am committed to staying at this site out of joy not money. That is hugely significant for me.

54th Birthday Eve

This morning, I finished the text of A Course in Miracles for the eighth time.

And then, I walk jogged on the treadmill while I pondered spiritual phrases. I offered my thoughts to whatever higher self I have. I had to spend 2 hours trying to show a troublesome colleague how to do something and I was afraid I was going to be angry at him. So, my early morning pondering included prayer.

The meeting went extremely well. I believe that when I gave my fears to the higher self in the early morning, that a new reality was created. My day became a happy dream.

I ditched work early as I usually do on Friday.

Coming home, the last book of the Wheel of Time series had arrived. So I have a birthday book. I did slink upstairs to lay on the bed, eat oatmeal cookies and start the book.

But about 4, I came down again to begin my 5.4 Cross Training Workout. 5.4 in honor of my 54 years. The workout involved 5 cross training stations (bike, elliptic, step platform/KB circuit, Versa Climber and Nordic Track). In between 20 minutes at each of these, I did 10 reps of TRX upper body combo, plus 40 swiss ball sit-ups.

Tomorrow, I hope to do a private marathon and on Sunday a private half marathon. This is my private Reverse Goofy.

I did tonights workout in silence, even with ear plugs in. I said spiritual phrases. I wondered about my workout needs, the why of it.  Is it just so I can eat cookies? Is it just so I can have a wall covered with medals?

No, I think there is a deeper urge or need. It is a way of life. But I have yearned for infinite endurance almost my whole life. maybe even as a small child on swim team I dreamed of mega numbers of laps. By 13 years of age, I had discovered long distance running. And never quit.

October Update

Its been an awesome week of running for me. I don't quite know how this happened: 70 miles, 22+ total hours includes cross training and each day I got 100 sit-ups done.

So far year to date:

Off on business travels for the rest of the month. Running a half marathon in Germany:

Looks pretty cool eh?

Entitlement

I used to have a lot to say on this blog. But since moving to Texas, I have less to say. This seems to me because I don't need to promote anything about myself. That is, I seem to have gotten over my need for approval from any church or monastic order. I know my spiritual program works for me; but that most people wouldn't agree that it is a valid theology. So, I seem to have forgotten my soap box about spirituality or contemplation. Doesn't mean that God is not constantly on my mind.

Why is Mitt Romney a candidate for president? Well, I saw a picture of him for the first time today (ummm....yeah I don't watch tv). IMO, he's just another pretty face. Bet Barak has a nicer ass. But, I'm not registered to vote and don't vote.

1% has the money and the tax loopholes. 47% are victims. I'm part of everyone else who actually pays the taxes. Anytime the government wants money, they come to us. Doesn't matter who exactly is elected.

I saw a picture of nuns from my former convent sitting around talking about the Church's "Year of the Spirit." Really? Someone needs to make such a proclamation? What about every year? But, mostly as I looked at the picture, I realized how much I don't belong locked in a monastic life. No I really don't want to ever be in another encounter group.

It has been several years since I had a deep meaningful conversation with anyone. If something comes up in my life, I just think about it and then decide. I don't ask advice or opinions. I discuss work issues with colleagues, but that is about it.

 I have a sense of entitlement. I am entitled to at least 50 miles and 20 hours of exercise a week. I just had a 4 day weekend. My Seabrook training camp included 76 miles plus 3 hours of non-running cross training plus 100 sit-ups a day and 2 other strength sessions. Whew, I was tired.

But I still got up at 3:15 this morning, did my hour of spiritual work and the 75 minutes of cross training before getting to work at 6:30.

 I really really liked the 50 mile race I did on September 1st. It caused me to consider that perhaps I am an ultra-sprinter since I really don't see the point of destroying my body as a 100 mile run does. That said, I am signed up for Ultracentric for 48 hours in the hopes of trying to get 100 miles.

I signed up for a 50 mile race next year (and bought the airplane tickets to get there):

This weekend, when I was working out, I kept meditating on this (from Chapter 21 of ACIM):
Happiness is constant, unshakeable.
If I want it because it is the thruth
that God constantly loves His Son.

As I meditated, I conceded that there'd have to be a God. Also, we are His Son and He loves us. Anything else is not real.

Training

It is September 8. I've been on vacation for 8 days, with one more to go tomorrow. I have done 106 miles of walk/jog; and a total of 31 hours of exercise. I hope for another hour this evening, plus a weight workout. I hope for another 14 miles tomorrow morning and a cross training hour in the evening. Here's what my year to date chart looks like:

I like running and working out. When ever I have time off work, that is time to train; not lay on a beach and overeat. Vacation is time for miles, as many as possible.

July vacation, when I went to Colorado, was pretty terrible. My heel was in soooo much pain. But, I seem to have worked my way through that for now.

Its cooled off in Texas: only in the mid-90s for the past few days. Yesterday, I slept in and didn't get around to going outside until 11 am. Of course it was already near 90 by then so I used a shady park. I stayed out for 3h14min. But, it did wipe me out for the rest of the day. But I was up early today and feeling good. I did 3h35min and then got the groceries.

Secret Running Thoughts

I ran/walked 16 miles this morning knowing full well my left heel is trash. Was I so slow because of this? Or just the heat in general? When I walked the last miles, I was gasping for air even while walking. Is it hard to breath 65% humid air when it is 85F?

Dr Alice did not say stop running. She has a plan. The pain brings a mental challenge. What's it all about Alfie? Why do these miles? Do they matter for anything?

For some reason, they matter to me.

Somehow, they go together with ACIM teachings (I'm in ch 7 at the moment).
"That is all the world of the ego is. Nothing. It has no meaning. It does not exist. Do not try to understand it because, if you do, you are believing that it can be understood and is therefore capable of being appreciated and loved. That would justify its existence, which cannot be justified. You cannot make the meaningless meaningful. This can only be an insane attempt....The ego’s picture of you is deprived, unloving and vulnerable. You cannot love this. Yet you can very easily escape from this image by leaving it behind. You are not there and that is not you. ....Perceive any part of the ego’s thought system as wholly insane, wholly delusional and wholly undesirable, and you have correctly evaluated all of it. This correction enables you to perceive any part of creation as wholly real, wholly perfect and wholly desirable. Wanting this only you will have this only, and giving this only you will be only this. ".

I can not explain the 669 pages of the ACIM text (let alone the workbook). It has taken me almost 5 years of continuous reading to get even a grasp of the principles. But, I'm accepting that this world is the ego's and means nothing. So why do I run? To burn calories?

The glitz and glamour of age group awards and personal bests and the praise of others have worn off. Or, has it? Does the thought of a shiny medal still hypnotize me? Why do I still want to run 24 hours when it will only tear up my feet? Am I powerless over brain synapses?

I (my ego) has been attacking me with the running question for decades. It became worst in the monastery. You'd think praying and Benedictine community would have over ruled running. But, the fear of being unhealthy and fat drove me.

The running question is no different than the God question. Really they are the same ego thought: fear of God and the ego's quest to rule over Him.

My 2011 3,100 miles race took more than 11 months. In 2012, I'll only get about 2,400 miles.

Stop staring at the ego's picture of hate. Answer it.

I want to go here (Merrill's Mile):

Just sitting and listening. That is all life is anyway.

The Power of MY Thought

I have ignored this concept usually. One of the teachings of A Course in Miracles is to accept the power as supported by the Holy Spirit's thought system, put in the effort to direct my thinking and believe in its power, stop believing in the ego's dissonance.

25 years ago, I heard that thoughts create reality. I didn't grasp or live in that belief. In other words, I denied the power.

I wake up every morning with a head full of crappy thoughts about myself and the world. But I quickly sit down and do a little studying of a Course in Miracles. This always enable me to direct my thinking towards love, joy, peace, Help; essential okay-ness.

Essential okay-ness is necessary for me. Without it I'd need to kill myself, take drugs, eat myself to death or something.

Chapter 7.VI excerpts:

"Your ability to direct your thinking as you choose is part of its power. If you do not believe you can do this you have denied the power of your thought, and thus rendered it powerless in your belief....Produced by fear, the ego reproduces fear. This is its allegiance, and this allegiance makes it treacherous to love because you are love. Love is your power, which the ego must deny. It must also deny everything this power gives you because it gives you everything....The ego therefore opposes all appreciation, all recognition, all sane perception and all knowledge."

Part of my doldrums are related to my left heel pain. Actually this pain is getting better and piece by piece the issues are being solved. But since I am not pain free, I get down about it. Actually, I get down because I am not Scott Jurek or any number of other amazing ultra-runners. I get down as I've only been working out 16 hours a week instead of 20. I get down for only running 50 miles a week instead of 80. I get down because I weight 134 instead of 130, or 129. I worry about my Colorado running vacation because I might not be able to do 8 hours of walk jog every day.

So, you see a pattern here?  Where have I set my bars? Insane? So, it is A Course in Miracles that turns the doldrums around every morning. THE Answer is a spiritual remedy. My ego allies with the doldrums and supports going down. Spirit supports the essential okay-ness. I feel much better in okay-ness. I need to feel better. 

Self transcendence is choosing Spirit instead of ego; and then getting out of bed.

And then go running. Yeah!

Now I Go On Living

It is May 15, half way through May, almost. I just did an ultra marathon. I look forward to more. I look forward to reading the blogs of other ultra marathoners as they complete their endurance trials. Today, I went for a walk/run. My blisters are just well enough to allow this. The one on the bottom of my foot is still red, but wasn't painful. The left pinky toe still needs space, but my shoes have space.

I ran down the road from my hotel to a quiet cemetery and completed 2.5 laps of that. Then I noticed a road going up a hill behind the cemetery. I went up that too. It was marked every 0.1 miles, so I know I went up 1.1 miles and then turned around at the top. Then back to the hotel for a total of 92 minutes of walk/jog.

I dreamed of my old convent last night. Today, I looked at their blog. I have to admit I'm more interested in running than I am in the genteel life with mostly elderly ladies. I'm excited that my 52 mile run didn't seem to cause physical harm other than the blisters. I'm excited to be going to Canada to run in 11 days.

I must have been adequately trained to do 16 hours of running and walking. So my body was not destroyed and the graph continues to build:

When I was out this morning, I thought, "I'd love to spend everyday going up and down this hill; even over and over, several times a day."

A Course in Miracles continuously reminds me to let go of everything I think; because these are ego thoughts. The grave yard I went through this morning was an example of ego thoughts. Clearly the Star of David tomb stones were separate from the Cross tomb stones. Really? Do you think God really divides his people? Religion can only be a separation exercise. Spirituality can only be ego edification: getting something for yourself. ACIM says that the ego fruitlessly but continuously seeks approval of Spirit, who doesn't know the ego exists. Only surrender frees one from the ego thought system. We can choose spirit instead of ego.

A runner at the Fair:

Holy Saturday

This morning, I got up with my alarm clock at 5:30. I did my spiritual study and got in the car to go to the park about 6:45.

The full moon was hanging low in the western sky, dawn was already on the wane.

I got to the park, sprayed myself for mosquitoes and started off on another long jog/walk of undetermined distance. The boys who work for the city were setting up an Easter egg hunt. As I got further down the trail towards  the water, I could see a red ball of a sun well above the horizon.

Am I training for an ultra? Am I just doing this because this is what I do?

I give nods to the people I see every Saturday. Some are fast runners. Some are slower and clumsier than me; which seems hard to imagine.

I think of a guy I heard from recently. He was in second place in a marathon when he strained his calf and had to quit. It was the first DNF (did not finish) for this 30 something speedster. He thinks he'll quit running. What? Quit running just cuz you don't want to be a slow poke also ran?

I think of another guy who worked really hard to qualify for Boston. But he only qualified by a few seconds. So he didn't make the cut. So he quit running and got fat. What? Is that all you think running is?

Running will hand your ego to you on a plate. Every time.

I keep slogging along. After one 8 mile lap, I have a pit stop at the car and head out for a second lap. Easter eggs are strewn all over the place. Corrals are set up to keep age groups apart. The weather is perfect today, but hot for a runner.

Back to Pine Gully park and out to Red Bluff. At 15 miles, I am tired and my legs are sore here and there. I double back around the bayou for 0.6 miles of high speed walking. I can't decide when to quit. My legs hurt, but that seems not to be the deciding factor.

I get back to Meador park. The Easter eggs have all been collected and parents are walking their children back to the cars. I think, "I still want to run tomorrow and I should get groceries now (in case the stores are closed tomorrow)." And so, arriving at the car after a 17 mile slog, I stop.

Well, it is Saturday. I'll workout some more this evening when a Prairie Home Companion comes on.

I haven't a clue as to why I need to do this. I need a cup of coffee.

Win A Trip to Missouri!

Ok, so I want to go to Springfield Missouri to run a 50k race: The Frisco 50 on April 28. But since this involves airplane tickets, rental car and hotel costs, I need to make sure my body can handle a walk jog effort of 7+hours. So here is my challenge, given that Saturday's weather is supposed to be good.

Friday night, complete 2 hours of some type of activity (combo of my ex-machines or laps in Brummerhop park). This is not to unusual for me anyway.

Saturday, complete 6 hours of something, preferably walking and jogging in Meador Park. I'll wear my Garmin, but the miles are not important. Its only important to see if I keep going, then I know I have the blessing of a strong inner desire.

If I have the mental fortitude to complete Saturday, and my legs are in decent shape, I win. I'll immediately go to Southwest Airlines and book a flight, then go to Active.com and sign up for the race. and, additional reservations and notifications as needed.

The Cliff

It is a point of contemplation: I am on the brink of my Friday evening workout. Why am I doing this? I am not exactly and ultra-runner at this time. I have no need for training per se. But yet again this week, here I am about to spend 2 hours on strength and aerobics.

And so I pause, on the brink and become very still. I compose myself into a contemplative statue. Quiet inside and out. I ponder and wait. Silence descending into my being is the greatest gift. Silence is my fuel. Silence is the language of my inner power and motivation.

Slowly, the elliptical begin to turn. I start to work on my thoughts. I allow the days annoyances into my consciousness that I may work on them.

Daily life begs a declaration: Let me not forget my function.

I can't afford to attack with my thoughts. I cannot afford to allow my thoughts to spiral around the temptation to hate. And so I declare: Love holds no grievances. Grievances, attack thoughts, the temptation to hate are all one thing: my ego diverting my attention from Love and Silence. I cannot afford this. And so I repeat my declaration: let me not forget my function.

The Wonder of It All

Yesterday evening, I ran 8.2 miles around Brummerhop Park across the street from where I live. I didn't know how that would feel this morning, but all was ok. So I did a jog/walk of 18.12 miles at Meador Park. This evening, I lifted free weights and did another 10 minutes on the ex-bike, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 5 minutes on the Versa Climber.

While I was running today, I decided to sign up for a 12 hour run in St Louis over Labor day weekend. This will keep me from going to Silverton Colorado (a good thing), but still give me a race to look forward too. St Louis is very easy to get to also.

And that is why I pile up the hours of exercise. I look forward to 12 and 24 hour races. I still have a race in Oklahoma in October I'm considering and another in Dallas in November. Plus the likely possibility of running a night race in Oklahoma over 4th of July.

While I was exercising tonight, I closed my eyes and thought about my spiritual phrases for the next 24 hours: "There is a peace which Christ bestows on us," "The gift of Christ is all I seek today."

Christ, that inner presence, not anything to do with the denominational Christian Christ.

As I think of sharing my life with the inner Christ, it seems like a joining a poignant as making love.

Fenton City Park, here I come: