Holding Pattern

I quit my job a week ago and on Monday a moving truck comes. These few days have been a waiting period. Done with my life here but not yet started with my life there. The rain has hindered running a little bit, but mostly it is the mosquitoes which are keeping me away from the parks. Even if I spray myself, a cloud of the little buggers hovers around me trying to find places which are not sprayed, like my face.

This little holding pattern got me thinking about how my most of my life has been a holding pattern. A holding pattern of waiting for work to be over so I could do what I want.

First look at the pattern: get up at 3:30 am, time for spiritual study, time for exercise, go to work at 6:30 am (to beat the traffic), be at work, come home from work, eat, rest, exercise, read fiction, go to sleep at 10. Five days a week, an incredible 3+ decades of work.

Astonishingly enough, my work as an engineer was mostly boring; only occasionally would an interesting project come along. Rarely was creativity needed. Most of engineering work is "putting the lines on the page." That is, after the initial excitement, carrying out the project is a routine technical activity. Often, completing a project does not bring a reward. They don't tell you this in engineering school, but most of engineering life is putting lines on the page.

There wasn't much dopamine reward in my work pattern. Mostly I went to work to earn the paycheck. My work environment was like many others. It was cynical and underfunctioning. I obeyed the rules. I played nice with others. I kept my mouth shut. Mostly I was surviving. My work was a holding pattern because for most of this life's daylight hours, I was restricted to the work environment. Creative ideas had to be shelved for later or discarded entirely. Even work related creativity mostly got discarded.

My dopamine rewards were not coming from work. The good feeling brain chemicals came from morning and evening exercise, spiritual investigations; and running marathons or ultra-marathons on the weekend. The little medals given at the end of a race represented more rewards than I obtained at work in years. And this comment comes from a highly competent, reliable engineer; not some slacker that nobody liked.

Americas best minds are warehoused in the work related holding patterns. Every corporation is wasting these resources. I am not unique.

So is it any wonder that I left the system as soon as possible? I am filled with creative ideas. I want to carry them out. Even the act of writing this blog would not be possible if I had needed to go to work an hour ago.

Excellence

This morning I read something interesting in Ernie Zelinski's book "Career Success Without a Real Job."

"Most people don't do their best because they don't enjoy what they do. They are working primarily for the reward of the paycheck, at the same time resisting the jobs they don't like. As a result they don't know the definition of excellence and never do their best. If you ask them how they are doing, they will reply, "Average." They even think that being slightly above average is quite a remarkable accomplishment.

"Take a little time and list the things that promote your being average, including the people with whom you hang around. To rise above mediocrity you must remove everything in your life that represents mediocrity. Surround yourself with people and things that represent excellence and you will be inspired to do your best so that you too represent excellence."

You know, my work group, and much of most corporations, is filled with the mediocre. I don't think that bright young minds start out that way, but end up that way as a result of continuous employment within one system. In some ways, staying in the same system for decades has to be killing your excellence. We know it kills creativity because corporate systems have too much inertia for one creative idea to make it.

I cannot tolerate working for a mediocre boss. It just kills me.

The Task of Just Being

I was reminded in my reflection this morning that my goal was to "just be."

The rest of this blog is me musing through my various conflicts related to career vs just being.

I had forgotten the goal "to be" and become stressed over the pressure at work to move ahead. It is very difficult for me to stop trying to push myself up the organization (even with corporate sanction); instead being content with a great salary and lots of time for running and contemplation.

Do I feel friction because I'm going against cultural pressure? Is it my own ego that can't tolerate an average work life? I also have difficulties with not really caring about the business. That is, I care about doing a good job, but companies come and go in my life so I don't get overly concerned with corporate attachment. Where I work now, you better believe that all the forces push towards corporate attachment. Since I don't want to attach, I feel a powerful fear of being found out for the impostor that I am. The body of the corporation doesn't want job competence but a commitment to the group.

As I write this, I see how this situation is exactly the same as how I felt in the monastery. I was at the monastery for the purpose of spirituality. I didn't really care that much about anything else; though I always planned to hold up my end of the responsibility for income.

My long term desire has been to be a spiritual scholar and an athlete. Results of spirituality lead me away from the main stream of society. One result is fear that society would withdraw its sustenance from me. And then how would I make a living?

Work is not separate from spirituality. But when work takes on a spiritual frame work, how decisions are made about it change. But this change in out look can not be discussed with other managers because they'd detect my betrayal of their corporate culture.

To "just be" is not a logical goal for a human being. This goal rubs my ego wrong in every possible way. Hence, my ego is always pushing me to achieve something.

To do my job at work is to "just be." To run laps or lift weights is to "just be." To attempt to formulate a traditional career path and carry it out seems to me like an acceptance to focus energy on career instead of "just being;" because dear reader, higher levels of management require higher quantities of time and commitment.

I live with tension as I was asked, "what are your goals?" I kept my mouth shut, pretending I didn't know. But really, I have secret goals for self transcendence. In the name of that goal, I let the daily corporate friction wear on me.

I will get up every day and study spiritual texts, work out and go to work. I will feel the fear of the corporate culture. Either I will be assimilated or cast out as a foreign object.

Some day, I will have acceptance and be at peace.