Virtual Marathon, An Experience of Conscience

 

Awesome Houston Marathon swag.

Marathons are hard. They are all hard, for the fast and the slow alike. Some people don't know so I'll tell you: a marathon is 26.2 miles. In the time of COVID, many races got canceled and many popular races offered a virtual race. A virtual race means that you run the distance by yourself, on your own course, and report the results. Then, the race organizers send you the swag: a medal, shirt, and bib. 

In 2018, as the gun went off in January for the Houston marathon, I was sitting on my bed with a box of Kleenex and feeling miserable. It was the only time I had entered the Houston marathon. I had been entered for a year because the race fills up. I did not start, DNS. 

So, fast forward to 2021, I no longer live in Houston. However, the Houston marathon is canceled and a virtual option is available. I signed up just to get some Houston marathon swag. It means a lot to me to have this swag for my collection of virtual marathon medals.

But running a marathon in January is a tricky thing in Missouri. It is usually too cold to spend 6 hours outside jogging and walking your way through 26 miles. I had assumed that I might have to run the Houston marathon on a treadmill. This year, however, the weather is pretty warm. The problem is snow laying on the ground. The snow on the bike paths means I can't use them for running. But in the little complex where I live, the roads have been spectacularly cleared. 

I picked yesterday to run my Houston marathon. It was supposed to get warm. I had devised a 1.2 mile loop around the complex. I could return to my home for pit stops. I had to start the marathon after the sun came up, but early enough that I could finish before it started to cool off. I got started at 8:40. The first miles were a bit slow and tricky because of...black ice. I only fell once.

The day was beautiful. I settled into lap after lap. What happens in my head during 6 hours of boring running? Frequently, my head is trying to figure out how to quit. Falling on the ice was the first excuse. Along with excuses for quitting, there are devious plans to fake results and post them anyway just to get the swag. It is only a virtual race so what does it matter if I lie about the results? Truth is, my brain wants to quit in real races and often suggests that I cut the course. 

I have never cheated in a marathon or anything. While some part of my brain goes on and on with cheating suggestions, some other part of my brain quietly pursues real achievement. I call this quiet part of my brain my conscience. 

Up until 14 or 15 miles, I find jogging quite easy. The black ice has been disappearing. The sun is out and actually doing its job of warming the earth. But after that, my feet begin to hurt and persevering becomes harder. I cut myself a break and start adding short walk breaks. Once past 20 miles, I know I can finish, even if I walk the last 6 miles. 

For most of my life, I've been a runner, sometimes sacrificing hours at work because I need to go running. I spent my career getting up at 3:45 in order to go running before going to work. I often wondered if I was wasting my life. But now, I think not. What I am doing each time I complete a marathon without cheating, especially if I am doing it by myself, is experiencing a higher-order consciousness than ego consciousness. I experience my Conscience. The experience of Conscience is one of the highest things a human can experience, and running marathons gives this to me.

Quiet and Wet

This weekend, there is no excitement with racing. I am quietly doing miles. Owing to a stationary low pressure, Houston has been drenched all week and it continues to rain.

This morning, I thought about the treadmill. But, nah! It wasn't raining that hard and was pretty warm. So I went outside for my run. I ran pretty fast for 7 miles. It surprised me how fast.

Then I went out again in the afternoon. I was taking it easy by walking and jogging on a path by a lake. I went there to be near water. It did rain some more. For awhile it was very light, but finally a downpour with wind so I stopped as I was getting cold and not having fun. 14 miles total today.

This evening I did a strength workout of 34 minutes. Now my shoulders are quivering. I did this workout while listening to Garrison Keeler on A Prairie Home Companion. He was cracking jokes about his seizure earlier this week. He will retire in July. I will miss his shows.

I am reading a book written before 1900. Maybe more like 1800. It is upstairs so I don't have it in front of me. I love the detailed writing style.

Today I downloaded a voice recording app to my ipad. And I recorded my own voice reading a meditation. I think it will work very well to go deeper into Mind. Last weekend, when I was in the zone, I learned about my inner self. This weekend in my running and meditating and silence, I am learning about my inner self also. What I know about my inner self is it's drive. It has an urgent need to push forward.

Tomorrow, there will be more miles.

Grace

It is 4 days since my foot surgery. I am off the hydrocodone and my brain is functioning normally right now. My body hates hydrocodone. It threw it up yesterday, thank you very much.

A set of wheels makes a huge difference in the life of a one legged person:

Crutches are very difficult, but this little scooter makes many things possible.

I have tremendous access to support staff.

So I am always pondering greater issues of the spirit, wondering if I do indeed have a higher self. I realize I am an ego consciousness; but an ego that wants to be more than an ego. This desire could in itself be egotistical; or it could be a symptom of a true higher call.

During surgery, I was "gone" for about 2 hours. My body, while still alive, was completely an object in other peoples realities. Like, no less than 3 anesthesiology staff were pissed at me because I am hard to intubate. The results of their work, in the form of gouges in the back of my mouth, still hurt.

I do not know this world if the body connection is taken away. But, when it was restored, I came back. Am I the brain in the body or a spirit which returns to this body while this body exists? Some of chose on faith to live from the spiritual foundation. I myself find the spiritual foundation inescapable.

It is fitting that I would arrive today at a chapter on Grace in Paul Brunton's book "The Wisdom of the Overself." Here are some quotes:
"What is Grace? It is a descent of the Overself into the underself's zone of awareness. It is a visitation of power...the voice of the Overself speaking suddenly out of the cosmic silence....a mystical energy...an active principle....Such is its dynamic potency that it can confer insight into ultimate reality as easily as it can lift a dying person to life again...Grace manifests itself in two ways: first a sense of dissatisfaction and insufficiency with the exterior life alone, second: a yearning for inner reality."
"Psychoanalytical professors are apt to regard what they call the unconscious mind of man as a bottomless well swarming only with shapes of lust and lewdness. They have yet to learn that it holds also an infinite fund of goodness, truth and beauty such as would overwhelm them with its grandeur could they become but momentarily aware of it."

My decades long obsession with spiritual matters is fruitful. I used to think it was a failure since I had not achieved that enlightenment described in the books. It has taken a long time to believe that the subtler and frequent awarenesses are true and permanent. I refuse now to de-value the still small voice.

Just as the healing of my foot is going on in a silent cast, so the transformation of my ego is going on in the cocoon of this life.

Who Do I Follow?

You are about to think I follow a philosopher, so I'll say upfront: this philosopher has helped me frame "who I follow."

I have been reading the notebooks of Paul Brunton (google him to find these online). I am up to book 5, with 11 to go. This morning I read about 3 different types of consciousness: individual pseudo-consciouness (I call ego), society's collective will and true inner divine wisdom.

As a solitary, contemplative, mature athlete, vegetarian, non-religious, spiritualist much of my life goes against society's collective will. Hence it feels like sin. My quest to give up many of the things related to money and position cause my ego much angst. Hence they also feel like sin. However, these sins are not true sins. They are in fact life on a higher moral plane than the norm. Isn't that interesting. Attempts to rise above the group cause angst. What strength of will or reliance on the inner divine can enable this diversion from group norms?

I am taking a break from workouts for a day or two to rest up for my weekend at the Silverton 1000. I am using the time for reflection and additional meditation. I am resting an endocrine system and feeding it super nutrition. Symbolically, I put new batteries in the car's key fob and cleaned the toilet. Today, I will get a deep tissue massage.

Multi-day races are for the patiently enduring. The average age of the athlete rises into the 50's. Its point is the forward movement over time and the eventual mental and physical struggle; a microcosm of life and death and re-birth.

My bags are packed. 2 days of work. Thursday, I fly to Durango. Friday, the race starts.

To want God....

....more than anything. How many people have God as a conscious yearning? How many have chosen a path with God as the one goal? Lots!

Yes, I am dedicated to just such a path; and God does not wait til you get to the end. He walks with you the whole way. Just look, there He is, right there. He is both within your mind and heart and in your brother beside you.