Waiting for the Snow

My intention for the day is to go for a walk in a snow storm. I will get what I want. In another hour or two, it will be snowing and I will get all bundled up and go outside. There is something about a long walk in the snow which is necessary for my life.

In addition, I've spent the morning reading about God. Also, this is Thanksgiving weekend. I went for dinner to the monastery and had a nice meal. Since moving to KC, I've spent a good deal of time reading my diaries from when I lived in the monastery. I am trying to understand what happened. How did my emotional condition get so distraught?

This morning, reading about God, meditating, waiting for a snow storm, I wonder if there is no answer to the question. It just was. I just am. Which brings me to what I really wanted to say at this moment.

My life just now is only an existence. I am just being. People who are just being do need to buy food at the grocery store, and go to work to earn a little money; but there isn't so much of a long term agenda. In my career, I had an agenda. It drove me crazy with its desire to get from others. So now I have stepped away.

My entire life it seems has really been about wanting to know God. Clearly I know when that search began and all the things I've tried to know God. Today I will know God in a snow storm. It seems that I need to decide each day to just be, which also means to allow. I allow God to love me and I receive the love, however that looks. Today, it is a snow storm. I'm excited about that.

I had to come to the place where I am in order to just be. Or explore just being in more detail. I wanted to just be in the monastery; but really, I wasn't doing that. It is easier for me to just be here outside the walls. I have realized that I don't need to fix myself any more. It is better to focus on allowing universal love, a feeling of satisfaction, ease and flow. Focus on letting my cork bob.

I am trying to learn the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Think about it. Why should this matter?

Enough

I was just looking at the ads on a local running calendar. All the race ads were for races that featured spray painting, foam or warrior obstacles. What ever happened to just running?

Err, more races are put on by professional race directors. In the sense that there are more races, that is good. In the sense that too many people are allowed to enter, or expenditures for stuff like porta potties are cut, that is bad.

And fees go up. And you can have your splits show up on FB....  Wait, I don't belong to FB. How will anyone keep up to date with my life?

I have been running and racing for over 40 years. I am getting slower, yes. The thrill of racing is diminishing. My miles are not diminishing.

This morning, I jumped on my elliptical and did a great 40 min of cardio. I like this activity because it is so easy and relaxing. I have this wonderful benefit. I don't realize at all what advantage I have over the vast majority of mature adults. Nope. Exercise is just what I do.

I have wanted the Endurance State of Being since I was very young. It gives me a feeling of infinity. In Houston, in the humid summer heat, miles are still possible. Its just miles. Nothing fancy.

Surprising Progress

Wow. I've spent so long seeking enlightenment. But now I feel like that is a non-issue.

Here is an example: Since 2006, I've followed the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race (  http://3100.srichinmoyraces.org/ ). I've tried to seek self transcendence by doing miles and miles. Today, when I was reading the blog, I realized I'd rather be engaged with my life. that is, I'd rather be actually doing my job at work than endlessly running around a block.

So that is weird for me. I guess that reading Merton helped me to let go of the past. Or I realize that all is spiritual and there is no need to suffer. Just allow it.

Not that I am stopping running or stopping my Course in Miracles study; but that I appreciate the path laid before me.

I'm just a marathoner. I'm a professed engineer.

This morning, I had a 3 mile run around El Lago in the early morning darkness. It was hot a sweaty and I loved it. What more could a person want?

I have a closet full of brand new Asics Nimbus running shoes. What more could a person want?

I'm holding airplane tickets to go to 2 running races. What more could a person want?

I don't need to fast, run a hundred miles, sit cross legged for days, follow a guru. Just have Being.

That is what I have Being; my most valued possession.

Got Being?

If you know you have Being, then you don't need anything else.

It is the weekend. Dr Hot Dustin has worked some miracles on my left calf and ankle. Even fang is not bothering me. There will be a few miles tomorrow and Sunday, plus cross training. But not too much since I have a marathon in San Antonio on the 4th.

It is so freaking good to NOT be in massive pain all.the.time.

This evening, I am cross training plus TRX-ing. What a great way to do intervals.

I think about generating spiritual energy, and the sense of endlessness flows through me.

Drink plain water.

Eat bread.

Juggle the kettle bells.

Endure transcend love.

83 hours including 187 miles so far in June. The goal for the weekend is to get to 90 hours.