Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ultra-retreat - 4, evening

It is a question on my mind: Why am I doing this? Who do I think I am? Am I not just ruining myself?

Well, yes: First, I am unemployed and happily collecting a government handout, so for the first time I have time! Second, I have been intrigued for several years by the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race. Those runners develop endurance during the first several days, that sustains them to go 50 to 70 miles a day until they finish the distance.

I want to see what I can do! I want to see what will happen to me. I want to know what I think about. I want to get to the root and ground of my being. I hope to build up to 20 miles a day (5 hours of jog or walk). Then, how long? I don't know yet.

Besides the running, I am spending time in spiritual study and meditation; and mostly alone. I run the ragged edge of complete stupidity and glorious transcendental experience. Who knows where I will fall off.

I went for a 40 minute walk this evening. After about 20 minutes, the brilliance of wordless communication illuminated my consciousness.

My ultra-retreat: I intend to destroy, to de-construct my self. That is, return to and become that primitive psyche which ought not be disclosed publicly by the responsible manager of a corporation. The so-called primitive is what I yearn for: cleansed, purely good, pristinely elegant, de-conditioned, peaceful and free.

If I look now, having spent the day on my lesson (I choose the joy of God instead of pain), the most painful thing I can imagine is the educated, obedient, properly religious mind which has been so sought after. This zombie like citizen was the only offer made. It is not me. It is worthless.

To be a full time ultra-runner is to be contemplative. To face the silence of contemplation is to let go of all limits, everything but IT, Life, Self. And then take one more small step further, across the gap…disappearing into...

No comments: