Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Love of God - Juice Fast Day 4

To blog or not to blog. I am low on caffeine, so my mind is very quiet.

Today's ACIM workbook lesson: "I am sustained by the Love of God." The explanation of the lesson encourages us to put all our faith in God, not idols or trivial and insane replacements for the love of God (overeating, TV, money, problems, decorating our bodies, ego pride practices, etc.).

The lesson encourages me to remember the phrase as often as possible. To which I add my desire: I don't want the words to be an empty effort. I want my heart to open and the Love of God to be real.

This lesson works well with my juice fast which is now on day 4. [Once again I repeat: when I juice fast, I get more nutrition that I do when eating whole food because it is concentrated without the fiber. Juice fasting is a powerful health restorative.] On a juice fast, I lose all my little daily props which get me through the day because they are partial anaesthetics. I have none of my mind numbing techniques which help me avoid facing God. Do I believe in God? Do I believe God is love? What is love? Do I want God to love me? Do I think God pretty much doesn't know I exist? This is the desert. Jesus is walking with me.

Today, part of my focus is to touch the inner place where God is, and project that out, seeing that everything is His Presence.

I started this fast thinking that I wanted to detox and rely on God more. I'm going to be 50 on January 12, time for a new outlook on life. I want to find new, "enlightened" ways of being. Last night, I asked Jesus, "Why really am I doing this? In my words, not someone elses." I received these five words:
  • CHANGE - new paradigms of thought and purpose
  • RECEIVING - letting God do everything
  • PEACE - fasting ends the inner fights and wars. Also, today is day 4 of my fast and day 4 of Isreal attacking Gaza.
  • LOVE - That is being love. The last thing most people would think of to do to increase love would be fasting; but somehow, I think love is what Jesus found in the desert.
  • TRUST, FAITH - How foolish does fasting appear to be, but God uses it as an environment for greater reliance on Him.

Today I got up at 3, my usual time for spiritual study and meditation. I went for a run at 4:30. Then I went to WalMart for 4 pears and 2 yams and distilled water. I found a juice recipie for joggers which I will make later (2 pears, 1 yam and 4 oranges).

Now I am at work and drinking distilled water.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Course in Miracles

When you pick up The Course, decide to take it seriously, and devote your energy and effort to learning, then you enter a very intimate and personal relationship with Jesus which is like no other. It is prolonged; even a sample of eternal living. Jesus helps you examine yourself and change your perception in ways you never dreamed possible.

This evening, I meditated briefly on my lesson for today (God is the strength in which I trust), and discovered this huge gaping hole in my psyche. How little I trust and rely on God! I looked at my retirement plan, the locks on my doors, my careful dietary plan, all the little games I play with people to ensure that they not only approve of me but that they don't cheat me. Religion itself is one big spiritual insurance policy, based on the idea that God could punish us. I can't just stop my lack of trust, but as I take my inventory, I offer what I find to Jesus. Then it is in his hands and I can cease to worry about it.

I must trust and rely on God. None but a Higher Power can restore me to sanity.

Juice Fasting Disclaimer

I feel compelled to mention, because I am aware of ignorant doubters, that when I juice fast, my body actually gets supercharged with nutrients and is in a condition to better absorb what it needs, without having to digest anything. So...I am not starving! Juice fasting is a skill and an artform; you don't just quit eating and expect to accomplish anything.

Also, the main difficulty is the mental obcession with eating. Working with this contemplatively is part of the gift of fasting.

I will share my journey; its ups and downs.

Remembering God

One of the reasons I maintain a contemplative life is for the purpose of remembering God. I need to give time to Silence. It is important. I seem to want this more than many people who are mainly busy; so my conscious contact does remember God for everyone. If you ask me to pray for you, what you get is me remembering God for you.

From ACIM:
  • There is no pain, no trial, no fear that teaching this (Atonement, release from guilt) can fail to overcome. The power of God Himself supports this teaching, and guarantees its limitless results.
  • For peace is the acknowledgement of perfect purity (innocence), from which no one is excluded.
  • The power of God draws everyone to its safe embrace of love and union.
  • Teach peace with me (Jesus), and stand with me on holy ground. Remember for everyone your Father's power...

In my silence, I contemplate the power of God within. The power of God is within everyone, and as I sit in silence, I remember it for each one who may have forgot. This is my gift to the ego world.

Today, I got up at 5 am; and it was raining. I flipped on the computer and looked at the radar. Freezing rain was very close. So, I moved my car from the garage up to the street; and went back to bed. No trips to the city this morning. When I got up again at 8, I looked out on ice encrusted trees.

Today I think I am beginning a 7 day juice fast for the purpose of cleansing body, mind and spirit. A juice fast is a gift to me. Giving myself a vacation from eating is a gift. I considered my feelings about a juice fast in relation to the power of God. My main fear of a juice fast is that I will cheat and not finish it; hence feeling guilty and ashamed. Looking at this fear, I understand why I would hesitate. ACIM will teach me that it is an ego fear, designed to stop me; and not a Holy Spirit creation. The power of God is limitless. Do I believe it? Do I believe the power of God would support me in giving myself a gift? Do I trust that power to enable my fast, which is really a prayer opportunity?

Truly, each has to answer for themself: Do you believe in God? Do you believe that He made you good and supports your journey toward remembering? Often, we wait until we are in dire straits before asking God for help, or even remembering God in any way. Please, give God some regular time. He will take your miniscule "carving out" time for holy remembering.

May we someday realize that God is the only reality and fling ourselves upon the Divine Presence with our entire lives. It is that momentous, that audacious, that wonderful: to live in the Divine Presence AND KNOW IT.

Shalom, time to go running.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Awesome Freedom

I am wrapping up my Christmas holiday with an elated state of mind; almost as if I had just crossed the finish line of a marathon. I spent Christmas breaking the Christmas rules. I even broke the Christian rules. I did not do what you are supposed to do. As I constantly kept returning my mind to the Light, time passed and I came to a new realization. Christmas is not real. All it is is a set of ego rules. If it was real, I'm sure the Holy Spirit or Jesus would have mentioned it. But, all I see in Christmas is ego rules for what you "should" do; and if you don't follow the rules, your ego screams. My ego told me how I better be terrified if anyone finds out I broke the rules; there could be repercussions for non-believers.

So... I laughed. My ego is the tiny mad idea. As a Son of God, I remembered to laugh. I remembered to look beyond this world and use Christ vision to see only Light. I am sinless. I am not guilty. No one is guilty. All are sinless. We are in God; always safe and always at peace. Christmas is just an ego dream, an illusion; not real. Peace is real.

Pure Running

This morning I got up at 7. That is the second alarm clock free morning in a row. I must really have needed sleep. During my meditation, I heard a diesel engine out front. I knew it was the fire department, though they had drove up sans-siren. I went to the front room to look out. Yep...fire engine and ambulance. They went in the house next door. Al lives there. Al lives alone, like me. They brought him out on the gurney. He was sitting up, appeared to be awake. He still had on his security guard shirt. He is in his 70s and works as a night security guard. He must have called the ambulance himself. Some day I'll probably have to do that. It is a humbling thought.

A little later I went for a 10 mile run. I got to feel the refreshing, soul cleansing wind into my face and through my psyche. I needed that.

For reasons of conscience, I don't participate in the material world ritual of Christmas. In other words, I am a conscientious objector. I feel friction between me and other people. If I was gay, I imagine, I'd feel this friction all the time. Luckily, my friction will be over quickly.

I deeply believe in honoring my inner guidance to let the worldly pretending go; but it is such a counter-cultural practice, I don't find it easy. Most people encourage me to give up and join in. I've taken the going-along approach also; but find myself worse off emotionally than if I stay my chosen spiritual course.

I am a work in progress; but my goal is detached love. If I keep learning and following my inner guidance, I will eventually arrive at the Christ consciousness and Christ vision. I believe this strongly enough that I keep to contemplative practice even when it is unpopular; even when I feel my own shortcomings in carrying out God's benign constant love. I care a lot about loving others, but not in the usual ways; that is by participating in the physical world ritual dance.

I have to work tomorrow. I'll have to suck it up; and pretend once again.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Think of His Presence in you...

My Gift

The greatest gift I have to give all humanity this Christmas is to sit before The Father of Light, receive His Peace and project His Peace. Everyone will be touched in some way by His Peace.

I am in your heart and you are in mine. There is nothing greater than this Great Love which truely exists. This Reality is Heaven. The experience of it is the most magnificent thing possible.

I kneel before you and hold out His Peace.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008


The rubber meets the road. Put up or shut up. Shi* or get off the pot. When push comes to shove. When Course meets world. What do we do? These times of seeming turmoil over a decision are intensive times of spiritual practice. For an ACIM Course student, they are times of: choosing the Holy Spirit instead of the ego; accepting the Atonement; forgiving; choosing happiness over guilt; choosing love over fear; etc.

From the Text: "Each day, each hour and minute, even each second, you are deciding between the crucifixion and the resurrection; between the ego and the Holy Spirit. The ego is the choice for guilt; the Holy Spirit is the choice for guiltlessness. The power of decision is all that is yours...there are no alternatives except truth and illusion."

So, what should I do? This or that? Or maybe this other? Which one would I choose because I would feel more guilty if I didn't? Which one would I choose because I am more afraid of those people's feelings than these?

Jesus and the Holy Spirit are giving me a work out on this one. I explore my guilt and fear, and give it to Jesus. What I do cannot be based on the form of illusion but the content of the Holy Spirit's teaching. "Shining quietly within is the Atonement." "My errors never occurred."

I am at work. I am drinking distilled water. I worked out this morning and will do another work out this afternoon. I practice The Course. "May I bring peace..." I choose truth: "God is everywhere and His Son is in Him with everything." My ego's dream always offers disappointment. I don't delude myself on this. What ever the ego world offers me, I have to return to The Course and use it to heal my mind, offering a different way of seeing to others, teaching only peace.

I do not choose to "do" this or that. I choose to sit quietly with Love and project peace. This or that will happen. My body may be in one place or another. Christ is my vision and my consicousness.

I am a spiritual athlete. I am always training and working out.

Monday, December 22, 2008


Short of moving to Somalia and dying of starvation, I am guilty of materialism. My only way out is a spiritual breakthru. Since A Course in Miracles directly addresses the issue of guilt and its origin in the ego, I have a viable spiritual path.

This morning, I was studying ACIM. I refreshed something that struck me yesterday:
  • For truth is true. What else could ever be, or ever was? This simple lesson holds the key to the dark door that you believe is locked forever. You made this door of nothing, and behind it is nothing. The key is only the light that shines away the shapes and forms and fears of nothing. Accept this key to freedom from the hands of Christ Who gives it to you, that you may join him in the holy task of bringing light.
  • The vision of Christ is given the very instant that it is perceived. Where everything is clear, it is all holy. The quietness of its simplicity is so compelling that you will realize it is impossible to deny the simple truth. For there is nothing else. God is everywhere, and his Son is in him with everything. [bold and blue mine]

I had started out this morning feeling like I was lacking my God connection. At least I couldn't seem to find it. I talked to Jesus about this. I realized I was feeling guilty for not knowing God "good enough." The origin of guilt in ACIM is that a tiny mad idea wanted to be special, but God cannot make specialness out of pure Love, so the tiny mad idea left God and Heaven by creating this delusion we call the world. We have since felt guilty for leaving God, whom, we love and Who loves us. The world is our projected guilt. ACIM encourges me to delve into my guilt, feel its pain, give it to Jesus, accept the Holy Spirit's teaching and return to Heaven.

So this morning, I experienced my deep sense of guilt; I called it spiritual performance guilt. Rather than be jealous of other people who are illuminated, or go unconscious and deny the guilt's existence, or get mad at God for not miraculously saving me, I go deep into my mind, became aware of the guilt, and give it to Jesus.

Then, as I meditated on the Truth (God is everywhere and His Son is in Him with everything), the idea "with everything" restored my God connection. I felt my consciousness living in that place, Heaven; where all is peaceful benign light. I held all power (God) in a ball of light, with non-physical hands. I experienced this for no more than a second, but that was enough.

Yesterday, I got new tires for my car. I'm so proud of them. It will snow again tomorrow, so I am now ready. The best part of getting the tires was that an unknown man in a shiny red van gave me a ride to my fellowship meeting while my car was being worked on. He dropped me off and that is all I'll ever see of him. God in a Windstar? Could have been.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I wouldn't have it any other way

Today I pursued one of my dreams: I ran north in a snow storm into a 20 mph north wind, at 19 degrees F. After coming home, I lifted weights and did abdominals. I am up to 2 pounds on my right tricep. I removed 20 pounds from my bar bell and lifted a mere 10 pounds (plus the bar). Only an athlete would keep lifting these puny weights knowing that in a few days, I'll move on up. I have the spirit of an athlete and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is this spirit which gets up early enough every day to study spiritual materials and meditate with Jesus.

I honor my soul. When I receive an intuition, I honor it. Because I habitually follow my innermost intuition, my soul opens more and more. I delve deeper into Its secrets and Its love. My soul's deepest yearnings can be realized now; not the next life. There are days when I know I am no longer seeking God; I seem to have found The Connection. My soul demands commitment and honesty, purity and desire for It alone. I love my inner most being; The Connection. I live in conscious contact with God; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

As I ran into the north wind, I sought inside for Who I Am. The Great Spirit Wind blows from the inside. I am One with It when I want to be; whenever I am willing to set my puny self aside and run into The Wind. I became the Wind; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still runn'n...runn'n against the wind...(Bob Seeger)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Call

This morning I was reading a beautiful part of the Course in Miracles Text. It caused me to stop and contemplate:
  • The Communication Link that God Himself placed within you, joining your mind with His, cannot be broken.
  • His Voice will be heard.
  • ...His peace still flows to you from Him.

Reading such words, my mind began to grasp and reach for the inner divine reality. When I stop to contemplate, I turn inward and allow The Communication Link to open, allow His Voice to whisper through, and allow His peace to flow more. I allow and I know. Knowing is a little different than perceiving. There are no wild feelings. In fact, peace is very still, like a quiet pool of water. Peace is pure existence and nothing else. I have no objectives. I have no requests. I merely allow. That quiet listening is how I pray.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Snow, Running and Love

From the ACIM text:
  • The Son of God (meaning each of us and all of us collectively) believes that he is lost in guilt, alone in a dark world where pain is pressing everywhere upon him from without. When he has looked within and seen the radiance there, he will remember how much his Father loves him.
  • In shining peace within you is the perfect purity in which you were created. Fear not to look upon the lovely truth in you. Look through the cloud of guilt that dims your vision, and look past darkness to the holy place where you will see the light. The altar to your Father is as pure as He Who raised it to Himself. Nothing can keep you from what Christ would have you see.
  • Release guilt as you would be released. There is no other way to look within and see the light of love, shining as steadily and as surely as God Himself has always loved His Son (us).

These passages are examples of the utterly awesome expression of:

  1. how beautiful humans are on the inside,
  2. how a God of Love must see us as only love,
  3. how all we could possibly be is love,
  4. and what we do is look beyond the physical illusion to see only the shining light of Christ.

Finally, I am being taught that I (and everyone) am a good thing: light and love. I am being taught what to do about my resentments toward others and my felt guilt resulting from condemning others. I am learning how to stop judging and condemning others. Wow! Wow! Wow!

Do I want the better way? Yes! Now, I have alot of contemplative work to do.

Yesterday, I got the stitches out of my arm. I didn't even see the doctor and I have no follow up visits. The saga of my arm is over. I'll have to let go of the drama.

This morning, I got up at 3:05 with the alarm. I looked out and saw no snow. I pondered. At 4:20, I went out for my run. It was a desperate last ditch effort to get in a run before mother nature makes the streets too slippery for running (and I am confined to the treadmill). I was cheating God by running before He could stop me. I will cheat God by running on the treadmill despite the weather. You see? Human ego life is about cheating God; because we think He is against us. All of my life is about self protection; seeking to satisfy myself and do what I want.

If God is Love, He cannot possibly be against us. God, Who is Love, does not even see my ego world with all its pain and self protective measures. He only sees Love, in me and everywhere. Anything other than love is my ego deluded world. I have to face that truth. The world I see is my ego deluded world. ACIM teaches me to see only with holiness as my vision; not my physical eyes. When I use holiness as my vision, I see Love, light, Divine Union, Peace. Do I want it? Yes. Will I do the work? Yes. I truely don't want to finish my life with cheating God as my only modus operandi.

As I was out running, it started to snow. As I finished my run, I was in that peaceful silent world where a blanket of white envelops and soothes. Gently and peacefully, the snow flakes fall and transform everything into quiet whiteness, peace.

A word about death. Some people are shocked when I mention it. I claim that I meditate and bring out the awareness which is denied by the unconscious people. The Rule of Benedict says, "...keep death daily before your eyes..." (#47 of the Tools for Good Works). Buddhists meditate on death. My introspective musings are the natural outcome of meditation. That said, all my pain pills got flushed down the toilet last Saturday (with witnesses). I am committed to finishing my life's journey; whatever that means.

Don't forget, less than a month to prepare, Spirit Flower will be 50 on January 12th, 2009. You are invited to her e-bash, right here on this blog. I can't make any promises for doing anything great for 2009 to celebrate; except I am going to apply for a passport in case I need to go to Canada.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Life as an Athlete

What a privilege it is to be a runner; and to have the spirit of an athlete.

This morning I got up at 4:30 and did an hours worth of spiritual work. Then I jumped in the car and drove 45 miles to the park in the city and was running by 6:30. It was warm, 59F, with a 20 to 40 mile an hour south wind. I ran 6 laps, 16.2 miles, 2:47 time. Then, I changed clothes in the car and went to a 10 o'clock fellowship meeting. At 11 o'clock, coming out of the meeting, it was 33F with a north wind. By the time I got home, 45 miles north, it was 25F. Maybe we will get freezing rain or snow later. The low over night is supposed to be 10F. Brrrrr!

After the meeting, someone asked me what I think about while running for 3 hours. I do think. It is a little unusual to spend 3 hours thinking; as opposed to relating or watching TV. Today, I thought a lot about what races I want to go in next year. I thought about the other people and their dogs. I thought about the integrity of the athlete. You see, having the heart of an athlete extends past the actual running training into all of life. In particular, I do my spiritual work as if I was a world class spiritual athlete. In fact, I think the spirituality is more important than the running. I assume that when I get to the end of my life, it will be an experience greater than finishing an ultra-marathon. [The last ultra I finished, I cried out, "Alleluia" as I saw the finish.] So I train for this spiritual event, my death, as hard as I train for real marathons. To me it is all the same thing. The question of "Why?" always comes up during my long runs. The answer is that if you want the experience of finishing a marathon, you have to do the training.

Do I train fanatically about spirituality the same as running? Well in some ways, yes. Being intense and passionate is what is interesting to me. Many people think I am crazy: after all God is free right? I think you get out of something what you put into it. I am studying a particular spiritual tradition that has a 690 page text book. You cannot possibly have any idea what that tradition is about unless you read the text, and perhaps spend several years reading it several times. If I want what that spiritual tradition offers, I also have to do the work.

Tiger Woods is a great golfer because he practices. Payton Manning spent four years in college, instead of three, in order to take snaps (the more snaps the better chance he would have). I spend time (a couple of hours) every day on my conscious contact with God; and abdominals and running.

I'm passionate today. I feel great! Thanks for listening to my soap box.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A semi-day off

Today’s ACIM Workbook Lesson: "I have invented the world I see." The explanation is that what I see out there is my own projection. When I close my eyes, my imagination is no different in its illusive nature than the projection I see out there. It is all the same. As I ponder this teaching, my inner and my outer are the same, I have to wonder about some other way. The other way is the quiet constant light of Christ, forever resting in the Mind of God.

Running long distances is quiet constant sameness; but the thrill of racing is perhaps not. Going to work is constant sameness; but the thrill of business achievement is perhaps not. I create events in my life and distractions in order to avoid quiet constant sameness. Even in the convent, we invented distractions from Silence.

2009 is my 50th anniversary of life. Wouldn't it be cool to hire a coach and really do well in a marathon? Yeah...but like many small towners, coaches for grey haired lady marathoners are non-existent. But, I am in really good shape right now. If we don't get too much snow, I'll be ready for a spring marathon. I weighed 127 this morning (I'm 5’ 8”). I can work on maintaining that.

But underlying my racing dreams is the energy of the athlete. The athlete is always pushing at whatever level they are at. It is this energy which I want to quit corrupting and disrespecting with lapses in concentration which ruin the athletic achievement. Like, you stick to your diet and training, then feeling better, you eat a bag of cookies; then feeling worse, you hate yourself; then get back on the road. I want to honor and live my athletic energy at the elite athlete level. By athlete, I include body, mind and spirit. The greatest athletes have great focus.

My life’s dream has been to transcend through the athlete’s energy. Is this purely the ego’s dream of perfection? I think it is more like finding and living my soul. I can feel my soul now. I can be my soul now. The reason I run, work the 12 Steps of AA, and study A Course in Miracles is because I transcend through these practices. It is through these systems that I achieve my soul’s consciousness. Gosh darn, how many of us wish we could get rid of our shortcomings? Well, I can, using these methods. Little by little, my ego gets smaller and Christ gets bigger.

So I woke up at 4:30, having slept an hour longer than usual. After some spiritual work, I did a set of abdominals and then rode the bike on the back porch. Then I did another set of abdominals and a few shoulder weights. I'm still leaving my elbow alone, only a week since surgery. I was supposed to be off today, but I went to a meeting at 7:30 to see what is up. My boss did say he would cover some things for me. I got done with work by 8:30 and went running. How nice: 10 miles, 27F, sunny, no wind, hardly any cars. A bowl of kale for lunch and all is right with the world.

[ps: what amazes me about this blog is that it is the blog of an ordinary person; not a spiritual giant or anything. I dare to post even though I have no great revelation to share. Just another day in Kansas!]

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


As I mentioned, I was at work at 4:45 am yesterday. I left at 5:30 pm. Today I have a reprieve. I'll go in at 11 but probably not leave until 9. This week at work is like running a multi-day long distance race.

So I slept late, until 6. Then I enjoyed a tremendous hour of prayer and meditation. Today's lesson is: "God is in everything I see because God is in my mind." What a wonder thought to allow to seep into my thoughts and allow to embrace me.

I'm going running in a minute. I feel good today (no codeine for two days). I also had a physical cleansing event so my insides feel clean. Got all that surgical chemical residue out of me. Phewww!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

More than I thought I could Be

Yesterday, I was at work from 7 am to 7:30 pm. OMG...spirit flower! yes, I don't usually do such things but it was necessary. Today, I got up at 2:45; had 30 minutes of spiritual study; worked out on the back porch for 25 minutes; did my abdominals; and now I am at work at 4:45 am.

My recently doctored arm is a little sore. I don't bend it or use it much. But I am having to suck it up and do my work regardless. I am also having to put on a show for the people around me and pretend like there is nothing wrong. This is self transcendent behavior. Usually I find ways to weasel out of things; unless it is a marathon. This week at work is a marathon in disguise. As usual, I am not fast or stellar, but I am hanging in there.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Running Mania is still lost to me. The webmaster has not replied. I still don't know why I can't get into that web page. I miss them.

Where do I start with everything else? Yesterday I had a vision. Today I felt depression. I do somewhat deserve to be raked over the coals. You should say, "Spirit Flower, it has only been three days since surgery. Of course that incision hurts if you try to bend your arm too much."

Let me go back to yesterday's vision. Early in the morning, as I drove the 30 miles to a nearby town to get my organic groceries, I heard an interview with the author of a book about Tiger Woods. His point was that he had experienced failure in his career, and decided to follow Tiger around for his 2008 season to see what he could learn from a winner. By 10 am, I suddenly had that book in my hands and I rushed home to begin reading it.

I read for a little bit and then got up to vacuum the living room. I happened to remember to check the bag and decided to change it. Within a few minutes, I had deftly installed a new bag, using only one arm. I vacuumed, and then laid back down with the book. One of the first things that struck me was an INTUITIVE vision. In the book, it talked about the crowds of people who cheer for Tiger. I suddenly had an INTUITIVE vision of angels and spirit guides and all the host of heaven surrounding me and cheering me on. My victory was that I had not ignored the thought to change my vacuum cleaner bag; instead taking action. The main thing that differentiated me from thousands of people was that I did not ignore the intuitive information. Tiger and his adoring fans had provided a symbol that my intuitive spirit had jumped all over; and which I had not ignored. The whole host of heaven loves me, cares for me and goes wild with joy every time I manage to get off the bed. That I can think like this at all is a major victory for spiritual work. I'll never be a world class golfer, or runner, or engineer; but as a spiritual practitioner, I definitely do the work of a world class mystic.

The secret of my soul's being is found in this little thing: I changed the vacuum cleaner bag.

Now today, I got up at 5, did my morning spiritual study and went to Kansas City for an 8 am mass, which I left early in order to run 5 miles before a 10 am fellowship meeting. Then, I came home and continued to read the Tiger Woods book. For whatever reason, I was thinking about the large supply of drugs I have in the house. I had a bunch of pain killers left over from last March, but still took a prescription for another bottle. I did not get the pain killers for pain or even addiction but because I think I may want to kill myself some day. Don't be alarmed. I've thought this for most of my life.

I am alive today mainly because I did not decide to kill myself. I have no reason to be alive or to kill myself; unless I believe some theological notion I read in a book that says, "I'm here learning how not to come back," or "I'm here because I know the secret and I'm helping everyone else." It is possible I'm alive because it is not up to me; but up to my inner source. I last went through this life or death decision making process last June. At that time, I concluded that my life was optional but that I had decided to make the most of it.

Now here I am reading about Tiger Woods and thinking about how I have no reason to live. I have enough drugs in the house to kill myself. I have enough running shoes in the house for about 9 months. I have enough fruits and vegetables in the house for a week. I go to work to earn a paycheck, not because of any thrilling accomplishments. Even if I was as successful as Tiger Woods, I don't think I'd want to stay alive just to either win another tournament or to get another multi-million dollar paycheck.

I sense the heavenly host surrounding me. They are holding their breath and crossing their fingers. What will be the outcome of my current introspection? I won't decide to take some old men's word for it and adopt the Church's catechism as my reason for being. I tried that already. I won't decide to get involved with service work. I tried that already too. Will I stay alive "just because," and continue to live a meaningless existence? Or will I throw my heart over the bar and continue my spiritual work?

I choose the latter: hope or faith. I might spend the next 6 weeks wondering why I am alive. It is awesome to me that I even allow myself to consider the question consciously. For now, I drank a cup of coffee and went out on the back porch to ride the exercise cycle, walk on the treadmill and then lay on the living room floor to do 150 abdominals. After that, I make some fresh juice. All seems fine. The question is shunted aside for now.

The Heavenly Host ROARS!!!!!!!!!! Cheering out the wazoo.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Running Mania

If anyone from Running Mania reads this (JoJo?), I can't get on the running mania forum or even to the home page. Are they upgrading the software?

Please send me a comment (I won't publish it).


Yes, I went running today. Why not? I'm not in any pain.

I had some minor surgery on Thursday. In the recovery room, I was there with a friend. The nurse asked how my pain was. I looked at my arm, giving it its first consideration since waking up. I realized, "Son of a gun, they didn't put any novocain in that arm." Dang! I reported this to the nurse along with, "Yeah, it hurts." She gave me something in the IV. Awhile later she asked me again. I said that maybe it hurt a little less. She said she could give me some more. I said , "No, it will mess up my head. I'll just wait til I get out of here and take a Lortab." The nurse said, "I can get you one of those. In fact, I'll get you two." I said, "No, I only want one." The nurse went away to get the pill. My friend looked me in the eye and said, "You're not a drug addict, are you." It was a statement. No, I am not. I hate for anything to be messing up my body. The nurse said I must have a high threshold for pain. That may be; but it is related to my body being on a different level than all others. Today, Saturday, I haven't had any Lortabs or NSAIDs since 2 am. I went running (4 miles) and nothing hurt. This is tremendous.

What makes me like I am? Why do I try my best with whatever I have to work with? I have no greater opportunities than the majority of others; but I seem to be trying to accomplish instead of lay fallow and asleep.

I work hard at spirituality too. So many people say you don't have to work at God. Bravo if that is your path. I am not working at God; but working at ego deflation. God is free and abundant and everywhere. It is up to me to quit blocking His light. I work at letting go of my blocks. I want to have world class God consciousness. I am willing to invest all of my self into this project. Nothing compares to the "pearl of great price." Once you get even an idea of its presence in your life, you gladly sell all else for that alone. This is who I am. This is what I am.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What is a Miracle?

This morning, as I laid on a guerney awaiting arm surgery, I had a few pages of the Course in Miracles text to ponder (ch 13.VIII) "From Perception to Knowledge."

First, my lesson for today is: "I do not know what anything is" (#25). The reason is because my perception is based totally on ego goals, which are meaningless. The lesson is a start on giving up the goals I have established for everything. I mean everything. If I look honestly at the things in my life and my little plans, I see they are all for my interests. But, if we are one with God, we have no personal interests. All my ego's goals have nothing to do with my best interests because I am not an ego. I am light; we all are. So as I looked around at the I.V., the hospital equipment, my body, I was practicing the lesson: I do not know what this arm is for.

Then I was doing my lectio divina (spiritual reading) on the ACIM Text:
  • Every miracle you offer to the Son of God is but the true perception of one aspect of the whole.
  • When you have seen your brothers as yourself you will be released to knowledge [of the real world]...

Now, the text is about 690 pages and I have read it 4 times. But here clearly, I finally have a definition of what it means to participate in a miracle. My job is to perceive beyond the world I see to the knowledge of what my brothers really are, use a different kind of vision, Christ vision.

A miracle is NOT that I cured your illness, but that I gave you the gift of seeing you as the light that you really are. I stopped to ponder what I was reading, to chew on it and swallow it, making it a part of my being, allowing it to wash me and heal me; to shut my eyes and fall into the embrace of Love which surrounds us and fills the entire world. The world I see with human eyes is an illusion. We really are the Knowledge of God, forever light, forever one with God. We are in Him. We are Him. To use the Christ vision, which waits quietly in all of us, we need to give up all our ego goals and value Christ above all. All our judgement must be discontinued.

I felt the subtle joy of Love teaching me and responding to my call for help. Healing is the healing of my judgmental perception. Jesus says to be content with this. As I do the healing process, I pass it on to my brothers.

Surgery went well. The hotel has plenty of coffee and popcorn.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Desert Silence


I stole this picture from a web page called "Monastery for People of No Particular Tradition" (or something like that). I picture my self as a solitary monk sitting at the edge of the "courtyard," forever contemplating the presence of Love, which exists everywhere.

When I lived in a real monastery, I learned about how monastics do not go on trips in the country side but journey inward toward the heart of God. This journey is the one I take whenever I am in solitude.

Recently, however, I've had to break my arm to get a few days away from "it all." Speaking of my arm, I am having a little more sculpting done on it on Thursday. Unfortunately, the timing is very bad and I will have to be at work next week. I guess I'll be on drugs while I sit in my office and help the people who are coming to see me.

I had a breakthru today: I suddenly realized today, at a much deeper level, how guilty I have felt for not pleasing others or being approved of. Of course I have heard many times, “What others think of me is none of my business.” Logically, I agree; but in my ego, I did everything to please others. I haven’t let go because I didn’t really understand how deeply ingrained “seeking approval” is in me. I become terrified of people whose plans for me appear to hem me in. What a deep dogma? What incredible social programming? My behavior pattern is so intent on hiding who I really am because I feel guilty for not-going-along. Today, I am more free than I have ever been! This experience is true self transcendence. It came from serious spiritual work coupled with a willingness to just open the door to Grace.

I stand strong in my spiritual decisions and the direction of my journey. I am learning to look beyond the physical in order to see only the spiritual. Some day, when I have learned the technique, seeing you only as spirit will be the greatest gift I have to give.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

It Feels Great

I ran my 10 mile run along the levy. It is pretty warm, 33F, but snowing. Very delightful weather.

I got back to my car and turned on NPR. Unexpectedly out came Bob Dillon, "How Does It Feel." I suddenly felt triumphant and completely free. I even raised my fist in the air. I like being a complete unknown. Hearing this song, everything was well with me. The "people drinkn', thinkn' they got it made" don't know anything about this joyous heaven I have found. The precious gifts we exchange are nothing but cheap baubles and we don't even know it until we stop and wake up. I am awake! I am happy with my spiritual place; with the spirituality of raw veganism and with running and with being the person that I am. I am happy to be the loner. My spirit was leaping for joy.

Here is the last half of the song, the part I heard:

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're all drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all precious gifts
But you'd better take your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?


Vacation Saturday - Wreckless Exposition of Self

I was not ambitious this morning and did not make it out of bed until 7. It is a little snowy, so I am somewhat glad I bagged the performance driving to KC.

I am sitting here realizing that this is a day for going within and listening to Jesus, who speaks in non-words.

Looking at the internet, I realize that nothing will entertain me out there. In fact, yesterday someone criticized me on a bulletin board and my spiritual practice was to refrain from proving her wrong, using her own words. I could go to a Mass here in Atchison, but I don’t think that will entertain me either. Only the God within can satisfy me. Not reading books about the God within, but experiencing Him first hand. Truly a St Romuald day of sitting in my cell, watching my thoughts and singing the Psalms.

How I perceive what others think about my contemplation is an insane delusion fabricated out of the past and torturing me in the present. How often have I punished myself because someone made a comment about how I must be lonely or how wonderful their group experience was. How often I have been frustrated because I couldn’t explain that there is another world which is spiritual, non-physical and all love; but no one seems able to really go there with me. This failure to express convincingly is my pain. Metaphysics just don’t appeal to most people. Sometimes I feel like a flawed psychological development because I connect in a metaphysical reality; but physical realities seem meaningless.

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) supports the metaphysical reality as real and God Love; and the ego world is meaningless. I have not progressed in my learning enough to be comfortable with this and be able to consistently use Christ vision to look beyond the physical illusion to the Christ in all others. It would be worth it as my lifetime project to accept Christ’s presence within me in this total way and look only at Christ in others. So, that is why I do what I do and follow the instructions of ACIM so relentlessly. I have searched several religions and find the ACIM teaching to hold the greatest potential for success in overcoming illusion and being the Christ consciousness, nothing else.

As I write this, I fear publishing it. I know some people think ACIM is diabolical and that Catholicism is best, or Buddhism is best, or some other way is best. I am consciously facing my fear right now and giving it to the light of the Holy Spirit for healing. My pain can be healed and this is good for everyone. I face my painful and frightening delusions. I recognize my insanity: my perceptions of others cannot be the God Love reality. However, looking inward, under the fear, is the subtle quiet of love. This inner finding is the silent light of Christ, forever within my consciousness. I avail my self of this gentle peace whenever I dismiss my ego and come quietly to the light. I can bring my pain and fear here, and it is healed.

I lose my ego conditioned life to find my true Christ life. I shamelessly follow Jesus. I believe Jesus can restore me to sanity and I humbly offer myself to Him.

Believe it or not, I am going for a run in this light precipitation. I feel the levy north of town calling me. The levy runs through barren fields this time of year, and often, that run will be accompanied by a north wind to the face. Yet, I find the barren harshness to be refreshing and cleansing. It soothes my soul. Yes, this is what I am like. I stand without my Donald Duck mask. I laugh at my ego. Running and contemplation set me free.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Vacation Thursday - St Romuald

This morning I ran 19 miles. I didn't see God. I saw 9 deer. I saw 3 hunters. Saturday begins rifle season here in Kansas. I haven't talked to anybody today. I've thought the name of Jesus alot; just stopping whatever I was doing and closing my eyes to say the name. I have no expectations. While I was out running, I asked Jesus for a real thought. I talked to Jesus about the pain of the collective human mind. I asked Jesus who he was to me; I mean aside from any book, if he is alive, who is he to me right now?

As a contemplative, I sit and wait. It is not that I am meditating all the time, but in solitude, I am processing all the time. This brought to mind St Romuald. If I have a rule of life, I believe it could be this one.

The "Little Rule" of St. Romuald

Sit in your cell as in paradise;
put the whole world behind you and forget it;
like a skilled angler on the lookout for a catch
keep a careful eye on your thoughts.

The path you follow is in the psalms -- don't leave it.
If you've come with a novice's enthusiasm and can't
accomplish what you want, take every chance you can find
to sing the psalms in your heart and to understand them
with your head; if your mind wanders as you read
don't give up but hurry back and try again.

Above all realize that you are in God's presence;
hold your heart there in wonder as if before your sovereign.

Empty yourself completely;
sit waiting, content with God's gift,
like a little chick tasting and eating nothing
but what its mother brings.

Reading Dune this evening, it occurred to me that I am living in a living being. I am part of a field of living energy and I am not separate. This fits with today’s ACIM workbook lesson: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of how I see. It also seems to open the door to knowing all minds are connected and all minds are Christ. Jesus is the living energy which I am a part of. Its possible for me to believe this right now. This sort of knowing comes to me if I sit and wait. I have to be paying attention. Surrounding this real thought were tons of ego thoughts. From the knowledge of oneness, it is an easy leap into Heaven.

Here is the view from Sr Priscilla's window (see Tuesday's entry). She also sits in her cell and watches her thoughts.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Vacation Wednesday - Two Hands

I have been reading a book called “The Doctrine of Awakening” by Julius Evola. I was reading it instead of meditating on the ACIM Text, because its theories seemed compatible to ACIM and perhaps helpful in understanding. This morning, I read a chapter on mental discipline. As I read it, I was dreaming of writing an essay on how an alcoholic could stay away from the first drink and how any craving for chocolate or potato chips could be overcome.

Somehow, this mental thought train was brought to a halt. I thought, I need to question my motives. I said, “Jesus, I need to question my motives. You offer awakening through ACIM. I admit my normal consciousness disgusts me. I hate myself so I want to awaken. Jesus, can awakening be found on such a premise? It is my ego that hates and my ego that seeks enlightenment.”

I laid aside the Evola book and glanced at the ACIM Text: “You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.”

And also: “…without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more… Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid… For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.”

Do I read Doctrine of Awakening as an unconscious distraction because I am afraid of Redemption, remembering the love of God? Finding the burning love of God is not in the Doctrine. It is in ACIM. I had a revelation at this point. On the one hand, I seek to escape self disgust. On the other, I seek the elevated disposition I see in the enlightened ones. Both of these hands are ego and neither will work to achieve a genuine state of being. The Doctrine of Awakening seeks a state of being “not an I.” ACIM seeks the memory of God, which includes “not an I.” But the state of “not an I” is different. The Doctrine has self discipline and an individually existent inner power which achieves the state of “not an I.” The Doctrine is not spiritually associated. The inner power is intangible (not of this world) but it is individually associated. Not everyone has it. ACIM includes mental discipline. ACIM seeks the memory of God through the leading of the Holy Spirit, a universally available Helper. The ACIM state of “not an I” means that the separation is healed, the Son of God is unified. We, as one Son of God, have leapt into Heaven and are awake in the Love of God. ACIM is equally for everyone, but maybe not everyone chooses it at the same time.

I have to make a decision, a stand. Is my intention to remember God or not? If so, the Doctrine of Awakening is a waste of time for me. I want to follow a spiritual path to remember God. I want to uncover my “intense and burning love for God and His for me.” This is a fundamental decision. It excludes me from many paths that work for others, but are not what I want. I may see another person who appears to be enlightened, but I decide not to follow them because I have decided on finding the memory of God through a particular path. My primary interest is the love of God, not enlightenment per say.

I have at this point uncovered one of my ego’s secrets. I, as an ego, pursue enlightenment for my ego. Jesus, may I pursue the altruistic motive: unification and healing of the Son of God. If I stop my ego’s motives and follow the Holy Spirit for altruistic motives, I become “not an I” but universal Self. There is no I other than ego. Either I am unified as Self (one with God), or I am an ego separate from God.

Jesus, I haven’t yet remembered or found my love for God, but I admit I am an ego. Please help me. I do obey ego thoughts which will lead me away from God. I do not have any thoughts which lead to God, except as I hear the Voice of God calling and I decide to read a spiritual text. Jesus, please help me.

Vacation Tuesday

Yesterday, I went to visit the monastery I used to live at. It is a beautiful ornate brick design that appears every bit as stately and solumn as you might imagine. In the fall, it is surrounded by outrageous fall colors. The chapel is of "high church" design, filled with statues of Benedictine women and its walls are covered with Gospel mosaics.

The joy of my visit was my time with 92 year old Sister Priscilla. When I first lived with the sisters, I lived in a forest in Oklahoma. They had a Catholic Ashram. Sister Priscilla was there with four other sisters. Together we practiced contemplative sitting for 2 1/2 hours a day, prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, gathered for communion; and cooked and cleaned cabins for a few guests.

I loved Sr Priscilla. She is tiny, not much above my waist. She is a fire ball. A year ago, she left the forest and went to live in the sister's house for assisted living. Priscilla has her own room and sneaks around doing things against the rules. I love this about her. Anyway, I visited in her room for an hour and she walked me all around the large house, then we went outside to the Altar Bread Department. I felt so incredibly special to be in her presence for a couple of hours.

One time, about two weeks after I got kicked out of the order, I went down to Oklahoma to Sr Priscilla's 65th anniversary of monastic life. I was secretly invited. I went walking into the kitchen where she was standing and totally surprised her. Yesterday, I walked down to the door into the assisted living house, and I could see her through the window, standing in the dining room. She looked up totally surprised. She said she thought she was seeing a vision.

Sr Priscilla said she thought about me alot, but after yesterday, I am not just a memory, I am an actual person who could show up any day. I am a haunting ghost unless I follow through on the friendship. Gulp! I'll need to visit the monastery more often.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Vacation Monday

I got up at 5 and spent an hour and a half on spiritual study and inventory. I was glad to list out all my negative thoughts and put these in the light of my higher power. I listed at least 50 thoughts which are creating fear and terror in my reality. Then, I lifted weights and went running.

Out running, I saw a woman who lets the dog out and then drives around the park while the dog runs alongside. This is probably fun for the dog; getting to really stretch its legs. The woman in the car smokes and talks on the phone. In my opinion, her human spirit is deprived. As I thought about depravity, I flashed my thoughts on my own human spirit. My spirit is also deprived; however, just that tiny remembrance that I even have this magnificent human spirit was an eye-blink of awakening. So quickly my thoughts moved to some material world topic and I had to draw them back. These little eye-blinks are so precious; so worth the mental effort to remember.

Truthfully, I don’t have any burning bushes in my spiritual world. I have tiny eye-blinks of awareness and still small voices, so quiet they are not even a whisper. Yet, this quiet is what I have dedicated my life to.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Chapter 13.III

I am on vacation this week. I have a couple of appointments, including visiting my former convent. Otherwise, I will run, nap, meditate, read Dune the Machine Crusade, and go to KC to fellowship meetings. I will also spend gobs of time listening to my ego's cravings, and realizing they are self sabotage and giving them to Jesus. Self sabotaging thoughts are insane. This reminds me of Step 2 of AA, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The art of living sober is beyond just not drinking. It is about being sober in every possible way: eating, fitness, prayer and meditation, service to others, emotional balance, etc.

In the area of spiritual study, I find my self drop dead awestruck with ACIM Text 13.III. Below is the full passage. I may spend the week meditating just on this. Step 10 of AA is, "Continued to take personal inventory..." In the passage below are several good ideas for inventory taking. I have bolded my favorite parts (the colors are mine too).

III. The Fear of Redemption

1 You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent. You may also think that it would be easy enough for the Holy Spirit to show it to you, and to dispel it without the need for you to raise it to awareness yourself. Yet there is one more obstacle you have interposed between yourself and the Atonement. We have said that no one will countenance fear if he recognizes it. Yet in your disordered state of mind you are not afraid of fear. You do not like it, but it is not your desire to attack that really frightens you. You are not seriously disturbed by your hostility. You keep it hidden because you are more afraid of what it covers. You could look even upon the ego’s darkest cornerstone without fear if you did not believe that, without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more. You are not really afraid of crucifixion. Your real terror is of redemption.

2 Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid. For this memory would instantly restore you to your proper place, and it is this place that you have sought to leave. Your fear of attack is nothing compared to your fear of love. You would be willing to look even upon your savage wish to kill God’s Son, if you did not believe that it saves you from love. For this wish caused the separation, and you have protected it because you do not want the separation healed. You realize that, by removing the dark cloud that obscures it, your love for your Father would impel you to answer His call and leap into Heaven. You believe that attack is salvation because it would prevent you from this. For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.

3 In honesty, is it not harder for you to say “I love” than “I hate”? You associate love with weakness and hatred with strength, and your own real power seems to you as your real weakness. For you could not control your joyous response to the call of love if you heard it, and the whole world you thought you made would vanish. The Holy Spirit, then, seems to be attacking your fortress, for you would shut out God, and He does not will to be excluded.

4 You have built your whole insane belief system because you think you would be helpless in God’s Presence, and you would save yourself from His Love because you think it would crush you into nothingness. You are afraid it would sweep you away from yourself and make you little, because you believe that magnitude lies in defiance, and that attack is grandeur. You think you have made a world God would destroy; and by loving Him, which you do, you would throw this world away, which you would. Therefore, you have used the world to cover your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. And it is this that frightens you.

5 You can accept insanity because you made it, but you cannot accept love because you did not. You would rather be a slave of the crucifixion than a Son of God in redemption. Your individual death seems more valuable than your living oneness, for what is given you is not so dear as what you made. You are more afraid of God than of the ego, and love cannot enter where it is not welcome. But hatred can, for it enters of its own volition and cares not for yours.

6 You must look upon your illusions and not keep them hidden, because they do not rest on their own foundation. In concealment they appear to do so, and thus they seem to be self-sustained. This is the fundamental illusion on which the others rest. For beneath them, and concealed as long as they are hidden, is the loving mind that thought it made them in anger. And the pain in this mind is so apparent, when it is uncovered, that its need of healing cannot be denied. Not all the tricks and games you offer it can heal it, for here is the real crucifixion of God’s Son.

7 And yet he is not crucified. Here is both his pain and his healing, for the Holy Spirit’s vision is merciful and His remedy is quick. Do not hide suffering from His sight, but bring it gladly to Him. Lay before His eternal sanity all your hurt, and let Him heal you. Do not leave any spot of pain hidden from His Light, and search your mind carefully for any thoughts you may fear to uncover. For He will heal every little thought you have kept to hurt you and cleanse it of its littleness, restoring it to the magnitude of God.

8 Beneath all the grandiosity you hold so dear is your real call for help. For you call for love to your Father as your Father calls you to Himself. In that place which you have hidden, you will only to unite with the Father, in loving remembrance of Him. You will find this place of truth as you see it in your brothers, for though they may deceive themselves, like you they long for the grandeur that is in them. And perceiving it you will welcome it, and it will be yours. For grandeur is the right of God’s Son, and no illusions can satisfy him or save him from what he is. Only his love is real, and he will be content only with his reality.

9 Save him from his illusions that you may accept the magnitude of your Father in peace and joy. But exempt no one from your love, or you will be hiding a dark place in your mind where the Holy Spirit is not welcome. And thus you will exempt yourself from His healing power, for by not offering total love you will not be healed completely. Healing must be as complete as fear, for love cannot enter where there is one spot of fear to mar its welcome.

10 You who prefer separation to sanity cannot obtain it in your right mind. You were at peace until you asked for special favor. And God did not give it for the request was alien to Him, and you could not ask this of a Father Who truly loved His Son. Therefore you made of Him an unloving father, demanding of Him what only such a father could give. And the peace of God’s Son was shattered, for he no longer understood his Father. He feared what he had made, but still more did he fear his real Father, having attacked his own glorious equality with Him.

11 In peace he needed nothing and asked for nothing. In war he demanded everything and found nothing. For how could the gentleness of love respond to his demands, except by departing in peace and returning to the Father? If the Son did not wish to remain in peace, he could not remain at all. For a darkened mind cannot live in the light, and it must seek a place of darkness where it can believe it is where it is not. God did not allow this to happen. Yet you demanded that it happen, and therefore believed that it was so.

12 To “single out” is to “make alone,” and thus make lonely. God did not do this to you. Could He set you apart, knowing that your peace lies in His Oneness? He denied you only your request for pain, for suffering is not of His creation. Having given you creation, He could not take it from you. He could but answer your insane request with a sane answer that would abide with you in your insanity. And this He did. No one who hears His answer but will give up insanity. For His answer is the reference point beyond illusions, from which you can look back on them and see them as insane. But seek this place and you will find it, for Love is in you and will lead you there.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Ego's Foundation

From ACIM:

"...you have used the world to cover your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego's foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there."

"For still deeper that the ego's foundation, and much stronger that it will ever be, is your intense and burning love for God and His for you. This is what you really want to hide."

As I type that second part, it occurs to me that getting a new job and moving would disrupt my ego; perhaps for just long enough to find a new way.

Confusion arises from my ego's fears: I do not yet know what I really am (a spirit) because I still have ego identification; perceptions, preconceived notions and prejudices. I felt these limitations today. I drove past the place where I am interviewing on Monday; and I drove past some new duplexes located where I thought I might want to live. I felt my opinions rising. It was impressive how I bumped into my own mental walls. If I get the job, I may just take it in order to break down my ego and experience its dark foundations (besides the money).

I want to find the Love and live in the Holy Spirit's thought system. I see I have more growing to do. I still grovel in the dirt of my ego. My littleness is impressive. I want to go deeper, beyond this meaningless ego world. Do I allow myself to feel my "intense and burning love for God and His for me" ? Not as deep as I want. It is not in doing but in silence that I go deeper.

Patience. Listening. Prayer: Jesus, please help me.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Work

From ACIM:

“You may wonder why it is so crucial to look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.”

“Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God and it is of this that you are really afraid.”

Yes, absolutely I spend a good deal of time looking within. I admit the fear that is there. I try to explore the fear as a doorway to the beyond. The self that I really am is inside, beyond the ego and the material world ego consciousness. The magnificence of the human is deeper that my petty life of money and work. I want to examine my fear in order to remember God. I mean really remember.

Sitting in the silence, I stare the demons down.

Running in the winter darkness, I have defied my ego. I have defied society. I become simply an energy phenomenon flowing through eternity, where God is.

I take a drink of distilled water. Transcendence is my vocation.

Yes, I think too much; according to some. Yes, I try too hard; according to some. I know I am perceived as foolish or ignorant or suffering. No one ever got to be world class by sitting on the couch watching TV and eating cookies. No one ever got to be a marathoner without doing the training. Marathoning is very unappealing to many. The work of ego deflation is also very unappealing. Jesus says in the ACIM text, we must make ourselves ready. We look at our fears and hatred and give it to him. If it is me that is blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit, then I need to follow Jesus’ instructions and take the steps needed to transcend the ego thought system.

There is another reality beyond this meaningless and frightening world. To find it and live in it requires changing all my beliefs. The heart of the process is detachment. This process is freedom. Yet it scares people. They rationalize that all that work is not necessary. Baby steps are necessary. After 25 years of baby steps, my reality may seem strange, marginalized. It is. I am outside the box of normal life.

Now, I have work to do. I will probably be in the hot seat for a little while today. I will probably have to stand outside in the cold for a little while. I am on vacation next week. But all that is meaningless. It is the ego level of consciousness, which is meaningless. In the middle of it, I am spirit.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Defiance, My Outstanding Characteristic

Why do I write this blog? There is a little peer pressure as some people actually like what I write. Other people like that I do write because they are happy critiquing my spirituality. I don’t write because I’m trying to teach any one. I am not a teacher. I write because I am enamored with myself. I write because I like to read my own blog. From ACIM:

“…everyone is seeking escape from the prison he has made…”

Last night, I made it into position for evening study and meditation. I realized that I exerted my spiritual will over my slothful will. I had to overcome a tiny barrier to get away from the computer or my book, and sit at the table to study, meditate and listen to my Spirit Self. In the morning, spiritual practice is habitual, but in the evening it requires the force of my will. Ultimately, the force of my will is what initiated the prayer and meditation all those years ago.

Is it my will? Or is it My Will? I am distinguishing here between my small normal ego consciousness and my larger spiritual consciousness; and not saying My Will is God, but just a transcended level of consciousness. The fact that I seek to transcend at all is due to My Will, that higher consciousness which is beyond my ordinary human selfishness, fear, hatred, anger and guilt. My truth is My Will.

I often wonder why I ended up in partnership, essentially committed unequivocally, to My Will. I say partnership, but I almost mean slave or bond servant. My Will wants what is best for me more than I do; and exerts pressure on me to serve its demands. I am a tool to My Will. My life belongs and is owned by My Will. I see so many who are asleep. So many do not fight society’s conditioning and programming and seek to go beyond materialism and religion. In AA we say, there but for the grace of God go I. In every single truly sober alcoholic, there is this force of My Will that somehow leaked out of the drunkenness and forced that person into complete non-negotiable sobriety. In AA’s Big Book, it says defiance is the outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. But of course! Who could get permanently sober without defying not only the drug itself, all physical and mental cravings and the bulk of society who thinks it’s ok to have “just one.”

I view most of society’s programming and conditioning as addiction. However, somehow, My Will leaked into my drunkenness and I struggled to achieve consciousness, to wake up.

I started this reflection wanting to express gratitude for my defiance. Sitting here now, I realize: I am not my Creator; I am not My Will and have no choice in the fact of awakening; awakening will happen. I can only hinder My Will by periodically getting ego drunk through the temporary choice to defy My Will. So there you have it. I can resist My Will temporarily; but ultimately My Will is intent on awakening and I really belong to It.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Pointing the Finger at Myself

On a discussion board, there is a new member. He says he is a Buddhist monk and poet. Over the past few days, he has posted at least ten poems. At first, I was thrilled and interested. “Here is a true wise hermit,” I thought. But today, I became angry at the poet and the plethora of poems he posted today.

I’ve spent several hours questioning my reaction and asking Jesus to help me with my ego. You see, it is my ego that became angry and wanted to attack the poet. I finally figured as follows. All of his poems go something like: I live alone on this beautiful mountain, my spirit soars into the clouds and I have nothing to do with you dirty normal humans.

Ummm…does that not sound exactly like my own ego? Yes, that is frequently how I think and feel and blog. Yet God gifted me today with this knowledge: what ever I happen to think in my small ego mind, I must be sharing with others in a way helpful to them.

I attend 12 step meetings and I went to one today. At the meeting was a young man I hadn’t seen for awhile. At the end of these meetings, we normally stand in a circle, hold hands and say a prayer. Today, this young man walked around the room to me and asked if he could hold my hand. Then, after the prayer, he talked about how he had got rid of his TV, found some other things to do; and had woken up to the fact that he had been anesthetized in front of that TV for several hours a day. Even in that meeting, two other people appreciated me for what I had said about Step 11 today.

So I had the Buddhist poet one the one hand, and the grateful young man on the other. I looked at my ego and my own arrogance and disdain. I suddenly became grateful that I live in a normal house, with a washer and dryer and weeds to hoe. I go to work whether I want to or not. I have a boss who is desperate to make sure I don’t leave. I do a good job even though I have no commitment to that company. Yes, I am on a spiritual quest, for knowledge of The Beyond; but I have no glory to show for it. What I have is a bag of dead peony bushes and a hoed peony bed ready for spring; and a young man who wants to hold my hand. For once, I am grateful to be me: nothing special, just an average good person.

"I wanna hold your ha ah an ah nd...I waaaana hold your handdddd" (The Beatles)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Finish Photo

2008 Pilgrim Pacer 1/2 Marathon Finish Photo

Pilgrim Pacer Race Report

Pilgrim Pacer ½ marathon race report.

At 2 am, I woke up with monthly type cramps. I decided not to fool with them and took some ibuprophen, then back to sleep. At 4, the alarm went off. I sat in bed listening to a 20 mph north wind. The wind made the decision on what to wear in the race. It was 33 degF with a tiny amount of flurries. I did my prayer and meditation. At 5:45, I drove south 20 miles to Leavenworth to buy my organic fruits and vegetables. Then I continued south another 30 miles to the race location.

At 7:20, I get parked, get a pit stop and get my number (#24). I catch a glimpse of my idol. I go sit in the car to wait another 30 minutes.

People get lined up at about 10 to 8. I love how there is no shortage of hearty souls ready to go in a race on this blustery day. We all have at least $100 (US) of high tech running clothes. At 7:55, I suck down a packet of Gu. We pause a moment while BJ the DJ sings the national anthem. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard BJ sing. I’ll probably get to hear him next week also.
BJ begins a 10 second count down. We all stare intently at our watches, ready to start our timers. Suddenly, we are off!

Mission Control: we have a problem. What is it Spirit Flower? Mission Control, the first mile and a half, which is also the last mile and a half, is all down hill. Spirit Flower, at mile 11.5, it will be time to throw your heart over the bar. Oh!

Before I even get to 1 mile, a few guys comes sprinting past me. I think of safety and wonder what their problem is. Then I realize their problem is that they are running a 10K (which started 5 min later than the half marathon). Oh!

I am running a race. I actually try to race races. I’m never there just for fun. I’m always after peak performance; whatever my peak for that day happens to be. My first mile is 9:30. The course is a paved bike path, out and back. After about 2 miles, everyone is comfortably spread out, and my hands start to warm up. Yes, I have on gloves, but they are not wind proof. I am in a good groove as far as pace goes, just a running machine moving relentlessly forward. We are going south. I realize that coming back will be into that brisk north wind most of the way. Gulp…more throwing my heart over the bar. That will be the ball game baby. Do it or not. The choice is yours. What do you want?

The miles tick off. I keep looking at my watch. I’m under a 10 min/mile pace. At mile 3, the 10K racers turn around. Now the course is very spacious. For awhile, I have another woman runner around me. She is older. She runs faster than me, then walks, then runs faster than me, then stops to stretch. Eventually, she has disappeared somewhere behind me. The leader of the race passes me on his way back (at about 46 minutes). He is way, way, way ahead of second place. Next in front of me are two young boys. I don’t know how old they are, 12 to14 range. They are young enough for people coming back to shout encouragement. I must not look like I need encouragement.

Keep going. I had sucked down a Gu at 3 miles. Got some sports drink at 5. Get to the half way turn around at 63 minutes. Not bad! Now, am I too tired to keep up this pace? I could moderate my speed and possibly have a better time in the event this pace uses up my gas tank. But I am a person who likes to fathom my depths. I like to empty the glass and see what is hidden in the nether region of mental vs physical. I keep up the pace.

I am still following the boys. At the turn around, I passed them. But they quickly decided this was unacceptable and passed me. At around the 8 mile mark I’m right on their tails. I mention to them that that are slacking up. After a dirty look, they leave me in their dust for good. I keep up the pace. I take Gu around 8 miles; but decide to save the last packet until 11 miles, so I have some fuel for the hill. I pass the occasional person. Some are walking. I suck my Gu at 11 miles.

Just a little further and I turn the corner and face the hill. I had passed 11 miles at 1:46 flat. Now, Spirit Flower, do what you gotta do. So I did. Up I went. I was actually sweating. Passing an occasional walker or slow jogger. I keep focused. It is bad form, but I am only looking at the pavement a few feet in front of me. I am not thinking just running and breathing. It is no longer cold. I appreciate the race for making me push myself and over come my mentality.
A little farther. A volunteer encourages me saying there will be hot chocolate. I shout back, “Yuck!” and keep going. A little farther and I can hear BJ the DJ. A little farther and I can see the finish line. BJ announces my name. I am really running and gasping. I finish in 2:06:42. Yeah!

I got a hug from my idol. It was an awkward hug because: we’ve never done that before, why were we doing it now, but it seemed like a natural thing that we were drawn to do.

So that is that. I dreamed of more running and racing as I drove the long drive home. I can hardly wait to go for a run tomorrow. Next half marathon is next Sunday!

The hot shower felt sooooo good. Now, what should I eat?

Friday, November 14, 2008


A sliver of a moon.
A myriad of stars.
Fallen leaves.

It was dark.
It was silent.
The world was asleep.

I passed by their windows,
And front lawns and parked cars.
Sometimes their dog was disturbed.

I was a silent divine spirit.

Feet gliding over the energy surface.
Effortless flowing of awareness.
Unified consciousness.

Mystical, ethereal.
Romantic, sensuous.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I know how busy everyone is, so I wanted to get a date on your calendars early.

Less than two months, January 12: You are invited to Spirit Flower's 50th birthday cyber-bash. Come here that day and celebrate with her!

Full Moon

This morning, I decided to run at 4:30. It was a full moon; windy but pretty warm. Other than the paper thrower, I saw no dogs or skunks or even the man with the 8 huge dogs. No matter where I've ever lived, there is always a faithful paper thrower sharing my early morning solitude.

"...He loves you, He will gladly teach you...He cannot let you forget your worth."

How many times have I heard, "God loves you;" and had no belief or connection to that reality. But for some reason this morning, the words "He will gladly teach you" struck home. I opened up to the possibility that I really am loved, valuable to God and The Holy Spirit does want to teach me: GLADLY. I have always thought I needed to surreptitiously steal either love or teaching; that no one would ever WANT to help me in any way. There is a Gospel story about a man who was kicked out of the wedding banquet because he didn't have the right garmet. I've always believed God would some day notice that there was something wrong with me and kick me out.

But this morning, I allowed the thoughts to sink in and become believable: He gladly teaches me. He loves me. If I accept this truth, then I have accepted Atonement for myself. I've accepted a loving Father who would never hold my errors against me, only teach me how to love.

I went on to read, "The only thing of value in it (the ego world) is whatever part of it you look upon with love." My mind immediately flashed to the person at work I usually hate the most; except I was loving him. I saw that I looked beyond whatever mistakes he was making and saw the love in his heart. I thought of all the people at work and loved them all. What a great gift. What a great moment.

I am here at work. I'm usually the only one here this early. One of my co-workers has come in early. When someone walks down the hall, I don't look up, but often give a sly glance out of the corner of my eye. My co-worker just caught me doing that and teased me about it! Kind of fun, huh? Another co-worker asked me to be in his Linkedln network. I sent him an e-mail teasing him because he said he trusted me. He replied, "Very much."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The ACIM Workbook

A Course in Miracles has a work book: an untrained mind can accomplish nothing...The purpose of the workbook is to train your mind in a systematic way to a different perception of everyone and everything in the world.
  1. Nothing I see means anything.
  2. I have given everything I see all the meaning that it has for me.
  3. I do not understand anything I see.
  4. etc. for 365 lessons...

I'm not going to walk you through it. I am going to say that I love learning to think in some way other than I was programmed to think by parents, schools, TV, religion, etc.

I have already done the workbook, but like the Steps of AA, it is worth doing more than once. I do have "a different perception" of some things. Like I try to explain to people about the spiritual reality and how you can actually live there instead of the ego reality; and no one believes me, or they think I am special and that is why I have experienced the spiritual reality. I try to explain to alcoholics how even one drink (such as a social drinker might have) breaks the energy of the God connection and drives you into unconsciousness of God. People still think that social drinking is harmless; and a desired past time.

Living "a different perception" feels, at first, very lonely. But, one learns universal love through the deconditioning process. Love is the predominant mode of existance; and it is what makes life LIFE.

I was born and raised in Berkeley, California. I was there, though only about 12, on Telegraph Avenue and People's Park when they had anti-war demonstrations and riots.

By 6th grade, I had travelled all around the world with my parents.

I became a long distance runner in junior high.

In high school, I was interested in Dune, and Don Juan, and BKS Iyengars Yoga. The only Asana I could actually do was called mountain; but I did attempt, as a silly teen-ager, to stand still in that posture for several minutes.

I studied engineering when extremely few girls did that. I was elected president of the mechanical engineer's student association; and awarded the university's outstanding senior recognition.

After my undergrad work, and before getting my Master's, I went to Israel, travelling there by myself, on a archaeological dig for a summer. I almost missed the plane because I was drunk. In Israel, there was another American college guy who liked beer as much as me; so...well, I had a drinking partner.

I got sober and have not had a drink since I was 26.

In my 30's, I owned 3 motorcycles (2 Harley's and a Gold Wing) before Harley's were popular. I was a full member in a bike club; wearing colors, going to Sturgis, taking solo trips across the country.

I learned Zen style meditation when I was 38.

I entered a contemplative monastery when I was 40 and got kicked out when I was 45.

Ten years ago I stopped eating meat; and I have not watched TV or been to a movie since then either.

Five years ago, I began a practice of periodic juice fasting. Fasting detoxes your body, emotions and mind; so your chemistry is actually different than most of the population.

Four years ago, I disentangled from The Church, and many other things, by moving to a small town and becoming a semi-hermit.

I don't participate in Christmas, or other mass social rituals.

Three years ago, I became a raw food vegan.

Two years ago, I began studying ACIM.

I work as an environmental engineer in a crummy alcohol plant which blows up every other year or so; and where I am the only woman in operations management.

Today, I went for a glorious run in a nearby park: rolling hills and the wonderful odor of damp oak.

Tomorrow, as usual, I will get up at 3 am for prayer and meditation. Then a little weight lifting. Then into work at 6. My commute is horrendous: 2 minutes, depending on the lights and the trains.

Saturday, I am going in a race.

I am an ascetic. All of the above mentioned marginalizing behaviors, which most people think of as asceticism, help me to let go of the world. Renunciation is not suffering or penance. It is liberation from society's conditioning and programming. In the liberated state, the soul soars up to God; and soars through a field of human light and love, learning of oneness and unity. As one soul learns, all souls together rejoice. The soaring is an icon to all of the reality of the spirit; and all together, no matter what their material configuration, know in their depths the truth of God's love.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Reflecting on Ego

Yesterday, I complained about church. This type of expression is actually my ego attacking other sons of God, the Sonship.

Last night, after sleeping two hours, I woke up and was awake for an hour. I couldn't figure out why last night. I was playing in my head a song from church about the God beyond all names. It is a haunting melody with a refrain that goes, "in our living and our dying we are bringing you to birth." Last night, this bothered me because I don't agree with the theology of the statement.

This morning, as I did my spiritual reading and prayer, I was challenged to look directly at my church experience and try to find my own hatred and underlying fears. I had chosen to hate the service instead of love the Sonship. I chose and decided on judgment instead of thinking only love. Hate was predominant in my mind instead of love; by my choice.

Ok, hate was concealing love; but really, under hate is fear. What was I afraid of? What if I had loved instead of hated? I stopped thinking and waited, listening for the Holy Spirit to answer: I consistently chose hate because I am afraid to give up the original source of my hate, my first hate, the first decision to hate because I was afraid of God. I was afraid of God because I felt guilty. I thought I had shattered Heaven and made God angry.

Somehow, there was a tiny mad idea in the Mind of God. I, the Unified Sonship (before separation), somehow wanted what the tiny mad idea offered (specialness, autonomy from God) and I tried to "remember not to laugh." One day, I remembered not to laugh and joined the tiny mad idea. This shattered the unity and I became fragmented into all these little pieces of individual minds. God immediately re-unified, but somehow, my consciousness remained in a dream illusion world; afraid of God and hating. But God/Love would never not forgive. Love always loves; that truth is what I try to dissociate from.

I am ready now to look at my original decision to be afraid of God. I offer it to the Holy Spirit for healing. If I choose love, I cannot hate. Love is scary because I loose my specialness. In church, I am just one of thousands of communicants. Being one of many makes my ego feel like part of a cattle drive or a slave covered in the muck of a pig pen. My ego is not special and hates it. I am afraid of being seen as "one-of-them." In order to feel special, I attack the situation with my judgment. This consciousness is my vendetta against God. It is what conceals love and it is my decision.

I have to give up my vendetta against God; but sense how desperately my ego, the tiny mad idea, does not want to give up. My willingness to surrender, give up, is my acceptance of the Atonement (Redemption) that Jesus offers. Jesus will awaken me to Love.

I am responsible.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Silence and Love

In the Rule of Benedict, it says, "...there are times when good words are to be left unsaid out of esteem for silence...so important is silence...the disciple is to be silent and listen."

I have been quiet here for only a couple of days. I sometimes think that any words I say are my ego talking. I am not talking about arrogance or pride; but the tiny mad idea that wanted God to treat it special. Since God doesn't treat anyone special, the tiny mad idea left God and created this ego world. The tiny mad idea got the power to do this because one day, the Son of God (all of us before we separated from God) remembered not to laugh at it. Pay attention, remembering not to laugh is different than forgetting to laugh. The tiny mad idea is symbolized by the serpent in the garden of Eden. But the ending of the story is not that God kicked us out of heaven; but that having attained an ego consciousness, we left heaven seeking the specialness not of God. The tiny mad idea became afraid of God and hid itself in this ego world.

I really should be quiet. None of this opinion is worth a hill of beans.

From ACIM:
  • ...accept only loving thoughts...
  • ...raise love to clear-cut unequivocal predominance...
  • ...fear's only purpose...to conceal love..

This morning, I got up at 4, did my prayer and meditation, got in the car at 5:30 to drive to the city, began a 3 hour run at 6:30, changed clothes in the car and tried to decide what to do. Instead of going to the fellowship, I went to Mass.

I have no idea why I ever go to the parish for Mass. I like the music, but the sermons seem to always be about money or politics. Today, after listening to a really long pre-Mass plea for money, I really considered leaving. I looked around for my God-mother; but low and behold, right behind me was someone else I knew. Now I was stuck. I suffered through a bunch of other time wasters like sending the kids out, sending the catechumins out, baptisms and a sermon on stewardship before I remembered that I had a card in my pocket with the above ACIM stuff written on it. I pulled it out and remembered to accept only loving thoughts.

I remembered that love was being concealed in my mind right before my eyes. "Right before my eyes" means literally, love was concealed in my mind, not out there. It is possible that the only reason I went to church was to see what my ego would say about it so that I could talk to Jesus and do something different with my mind. I was saved from continuing to be unconscious of my practice of concealing love from myself and everyone else.

After that, I shut my eyes and envisioned light. Light is all there really is. Light is love and light is Heaven and light is peace. Light is my responsibility.

Fear is the tiny mad idea. It works furiously to conceal love; and for the most part we let it, becoming unconscious of the whole process. We can instead remember to laugh. We can instead remember to deny power to the tiny mad idea, remember all power is of God, and remember this for everyone around us. "Thus does the Holy Spirit replace fear with love..." Laughing at the tiny mad idea is done consciously when I accept only loving thoughts.

Accepting only loving thoughts means I am no longer in a fight with God for specialness; and in silence, I slip back into Heaven.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Living Metaphysically, Accepting Love

From A Course in Miracles (ACIM):
  • Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?
  • …ask and you will receive.
  • …you believe asking is taking…
  • Ask to learn of the reality of your brother (Christ, Love), because this is what you will perceive in him, and you will see your beauty reflected in his.
This morning, as I reflected on the above, I started by asking Jesus what should I ask for. I felt anger at Jesus. I poured out my stuff. Then, I began to ask for what the ACIM Text (in several places) suggested I might ask for. I knew I was just parroting what the Text said to ask for; it wasn’t really from the depth of my being. I parroted because maybe that would keep me safe and I would “get” what was promised; even though I didn’t really want it or believe in it. Then, I pondered the world of takers and how I also am a taker. I pondered how I believe I need to take to survive and, living in fear, I hate “them” who take from me causing me to take from “them.” I prayed some more to Jesus. I wanted to get in touch with my fear of God. I began to list out my special hate relationships: specific people, groups of people. Eventually, the realization hit me: God is my Source; but I hate God because I believe I have to take from God in order to stay alive. Wow…wow…wow!

Now I could ask Jesus for help with something from my heart: I want to know my Source is pure love freely given and I want to freely love both back to Source and outward.

I did not yet know who the next president of the US is. I don’t myself vote. I hadn’t listened to the news last night. But, my time for prayer was over and it was time to turn on NPR and get the news. I turned on the radio and out came a symphony. For some reason, KCUR was not on the air. I listened to the symphony and started to chuckle. The Holy Spirit was helping me. I wasn’t quite ready for the news.

As I listened, I realized that “the real world of God/Source” is this symphony. I appreciated the symphony. The symphony is always there, but we cover it over and dissociate from it. The symphony is God’s reality, Heaven, not the ego world I normally experience. I can live in the symphonic reality, which is my ever present Source of Love, freely given because I/we are loved. I went to the bathroom and took a huge dump. All my crap came out.

Then, suddenly KCUR came on the air introducing the next president and immediately fed in Barak Obama’s acceptance. I got chills. I got tears. I said, “Praise the Lord. The era of the old white man is over.” “The old white man” is a symbol. For me, “the old white man” was my terrible father who hated women, the oppressor, the taker, MY EGO'S god. This era being over symbolized the healing of my hate and my acceptance of Love, God, Heaven.

Since I don’t vote, I realized that it was my brother who had thrown out the old white man. This morning, I had asked to know my brother. The prayer was immediately answered by my brother electing Obama, a symbol of unity and love. Within every brother is Source and Love. Within me is Source and Love. My brother had clearly shown me who he was. I had trusted my brother to show me who he was. We are one and this has been shown.

This reflection is how I live metaphysically: I take my own inventory of fear and hate. I give the hate and fear to Jesus. Then I honestly pray for the true. Then I am healed and everyone else is healed.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This is an old picture that someone put on a forum I participate in. It is of a muslim groom and a christian bride in Beirut, 1983.

For me: The bride is my soul, the beautiful little spirit that I truly am. The groom is my Inner Higher Love, who comes to help me and guide me to Heaven. The destruction of war is what my ego does each and every day.

Psalm 39:
  • ...like a moth you (God) eat away all that is dear to us (our egos); truly everyone is but a puff of wind (our bodies are illusions).
  • We walk about like a shadow, and in vain (egotism) we are in turmoil (fear)...
  • ...my hope is in you (not this world of ego delusion)...

ACIM: "You do not know the meaning of anything you perceive. Not one thought you hold is wholly true. The recognition of this is your firm beginning. You are not misguided; you have accepted no guide at all. Instruction in perception is your great need, for you understand nothing. Recognize this but do not accept it, for understanding is your inheritance. Perceptions are learned, and you are not without a Teacher. Yet your willingness to learn of Him depends on your willingness to question everything you learned of yourself, for you who learned amiss should not be your own teacher."

Yesterday, alot happened at work. Our company is coming down to the wire on a project, and I am in the position of pushing other managers to show "actual" results. Some of our equipment is broken so we are not in environmental compliance. My boss is working on getting an old guy to retire and bless me with doing only environmental work for all our plants (this is a good thing) except maybe I have a job interview at another company.

As I sat at home last night, humility crossed my mind. Then this morning, Psalm 39 and the above portion of the ACIM text helped ground me in humility. I also pondered that picture and felt more humility. I (my ego) destroy peace everyday. Yet, Inner Higher Love will come to be my Teacher every day and lead me to Heaven.

I admit that I do not understand the world. My desire is to listen to my Teacher. I surrender. On the one hand, I try to realize that I am not a body. On the other hand, I fast and detox in order to vibrate at higher levels, to better hear my Teacher.

I live in this little town.

I work at this crummy little company.

I have these physical and emotional defects.

I seek God.

I run.

Silent JOY is the ground of my being. It rests quietly under the raging ego. I can be JOY anytime I remember. I can remember.