Incorrigible -- A Runner Celebrates 61 Years of Life

It is the eve of my 61st birthday. I just spent 90 minutes walking up the steep treadmill hill with a 10 pound backpack. It snowed today and it is very cold, not worth going outside wearing snow cleats on my shoes.

My first purchase of 2020 was a race entry. My second purchase was another pair of running shoes. How many 61 year olds do you know who spend the morning thinking about where they should run and how far? That day, I got in 10.2 miles in just under 2 hours. That is awesome! I love that I can go out for a 10 mile run anytime I feel like it. I am incorrigible in that regard.

My year was highlighted by several successful races. At the Kansas City marathon, I ran 4:49 and got second place in my age group. In November, I completed 50 miles in a race. This ultra was such an experience of the zone. It was amazing.

I have been working on a book for 3 years. I can say that during 2019, I finished typing all the notes, did a great deal of neuro science and addiction research, finally got the introductions to each chapter completed. I learned about self publishing. I'm certain that in the first half of 2020, I'll find an editor. I have a sketch of the cover which I may ask one of my barista buddies to draw for me. After another round of my own editing, I have a couple of people willing to read the book and comment on it for me.

I've become a proficient barista and I like working at my current store. I went to alot of AA meetings, culminating with speaking at an alcathon on New Year's Eve. I got two sinus infections. During the first one, I learned that doctors can't help you. During the second one, I learned that several natural remedies are very helpful. I listened to many Abraham Hicks YouTube videos. As a result of practicing what Abraham discusses, my attitudes and emotional states improved dramatically for what seems like the first time in my life. I wrote alot (aside from my book). I thought alot, and my ponderings are what I write down. I'm one of those rare persons who prioritizes sitting and thinking as an important activity. 

2019 was successful and I think 2020 will be even more wonderful.

Happy Holidays

Christmas has come, and almost gone. Yesterday, I had a smashing good and hilarious time working a shift at Starbucks. The mostly bitchy shift supervisor wasn't there. The fun cool one was. So we had a fun cool time.

Now, Christmas day itself. I slept in, not having to be at Starbucks at 4:30 am. Then I spent 2.5 hours multi-tasking: laundry, cook the squash, study my latest neuro science book and make notes for my own book.  Run 15.5 miles in Parkville, along the Missouri river. Today is very warm, in the 60s and I ran pretty energetically. On the way home, I got my usual favorite meal: grilled cheese and diet cherry Coke from Quick Trip. Shower. Green smoothie.

This evening, I will join some long term friends for an AA meeting and pot luck. My contribution, see'ns how I don't cook, is a bag of Starbucks coffee.

I guess I love Starbucks. I see that the partners have been putting jokes on our group-me all day. I mean, we communicate with each other with funny things even when not at work. That never happened when I was a serious corporate person.

Memories > Inner Being

Early in life, maybe more than 35 years ago, I saw "Cats" in London. I can still sing some of the songs. This afternoon, I found myself singing "Memories" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gd_ohoPzYc  ).

It is a mournful song, appropriate for and old lady; but not a dead lady. "I was beautiful then...and a new day has begun."

Yet here I am. This morning, I was at Starbucks opening the store at 4:30 am. Then, a decent noon meal,and then book reading while laying on my bed something inside me called me to get up and be present, work on my writing. Now, my brain and body are awake, ready for writing and exercise. It is a moment of feeling great, purposeful, connected to something greater than myself. The song from Cats only added power to my physical being. But the energy came originally from Source. Source called me to get off my bed and come be creative.

Isn't that wonderful? An old lady feels energy and gets busy creating. Some would say this means I'm connected to my Inner Being. I appreciate that knowledge. But I can't prove I have an Inner Being. But I am able to ride the positive, ride the creation energy. I know for sure, for sure, that the creation energy came from inside somewhere. A human amount of energy would have stayed on the bed.

Wait! I'm an old lady? How did that happen? Maybe I am not an old lady. What is an old lady? What is old? What does old mean? I bring this up because I want to go deeper into the meaning of a person who has been alive a long time. I won't go into long discussions of living in Berkeley CA during the Vietnam war. I won't talk about how television arrived when I was a small child and I used a slide rule my freshman year at college.

What is the depth of long years on this planet? It is more than wrinkled skin or grey hear. I don't have any health issues. I ran 15 mile just yesterday.

The only time I ever snuck out of the house as a teenager was to go to midnight Mass. My family had a ski cabin and we were there for Christmas. I went out the window of my bed room and walked half a block down a hill to the church. It was a cold but clear night with many stars. My mother had talked forever about midnight Mass, but we weren't Catholic. We were unchurched. Yet that one time, it was important to me to go to church. Who was God?

That girl who wondered about God. That is the true core of my being.

A new day, has begun.

On Thinking

I recently made some changes to my life. The change was to reduce the number of shifts I was working at my part time gig. The reason I made this change was that I realized that my brain was spending more time thinking about the gig than on my personal projects. I was losing my capacity for thinking deeply and writing. Also, the gig required that I be there at 4:30 am 4 days a week, which means that prime thinking time was compromised. When I got home from the gig, I was tired, needed a nap. My brain was shut down for most of the rest of the day, being willing only to read other people's books. I realized that the plan for my retirement, to build phase 3 of my life out of creative writing and addiction studies was being sidelined.

Now, this morning, I was able to focus. Thinking is a brain activity, with a spiritual component. Your brain requires energy, so I still need to sleep. I had a subtle under current of self disrespect: aren't you worthless just sitting here thinking? Well, I always wanted to be a great thinker. This morning I thought about how great thinkers spent their time doing just that, thinking. They may have had a seed idea but then they sat and thought and wrote down the thoughts. Media changes the way you think. For me that is scrolling through Youtube or news feeds.

Nicolas Carr wrote a book about how the Net changes the way you think, "The Shallows". Page 8, "...media aren't just channels of information.They supply the stuff of thought, but they also shape the process of thought. And what the Net seems to be doing is chipping away my capacity for concentration and contemplation...my mind now expects to take in information...in a swiftly moving stream of particles."

Honestly, I quit watching TV decades ago because I didn't want to be Programmed by it. Now, I face that same challenge with the Net. Unfortunately, the Net is far more addictive to the human brain. If I want to be a thinker, I need to maintain longer periods of concentrated thought and abstaining from shallow non-thinking activities. This is a tough challenge because the brain does get dopamine hits from scrolling. I need to continue to find longer piece of work, like a long blog or a book or an article, which cause me to concentrate and spend time reading and thinking. Writing then helps keep the focus of the thoughts.

Thinking is also different from just letting my default node network spin around to where ever from my past history it wants to, unguided by my conscious mind. Thinking should have a focus, a path and a conclusion or a progression. Thinking has a subject, but also thinking is objective. The process of thinking should achieve an objective end. Thinking is different from unconsciously seeking dopamine hits.

A Valley

Here is more of my story. Writing it on this blog might help me figure it out. It relates to Law of Attraction, alignment with my inner being, and finding my way to a new vibration.

Being in a spiritual valley can be a good thing as it causes you to look at what you have been doing and make changes for the future.

Nov 8/9, I ran a 50 mile race. The race it self was an experience of being in the zone. It was so easy to accomplish. And the drive home featured a magnificent sunset which seemed like the Universe winking at me in joy. I mention this because it was the top of a mountain experience. I've since fallen off. 

I took off work the day after the race (Sunday). Monday and Tuesday I had shifts at Starbucks. These turned out to be difficult as my physical resources were largely depleted, and I had a couple of blisters which made time on my feet painful. Also, after a conversation with one of the shift managers, I made my decision to quit working at Starbucks. 

When I talked to the store manager about quitting, she didn't want me to quit, especially for my reasons: feeling disrespected and worn out. So, I didn't quit, only reduced the number of hours by more than half. But I also had two more weeks of survival mode. Survival mode is how I've survived getting to work at 4:30 am four days a week for the past year. I sort of knew I was in it, but didn't consciously ask myself about it. I just did it. Well, survival mode had been feeling worse and worse. Like everyday asking myself, "How am I going to get through today?"  As I looked at Thanksgiving week, coming off 4 days of work in a row and going into 3 more days after Thanksgiving, plus going to the monastery for Thanksgiving, I knew I dreaded the whole thing. So I got a cold. Trying to manage the cold and go to work (after Thanksgiving) meant overdosing on cold medicine. Bad mistake. I got a sinus infection.

Now, this week (Dec 2) is the first week of reduced hours, only two shifts of 5.5 hours. I felt free the moment I got out of the last long shift (Tuesday). I felt my focus move from Starbucks to writing and conscious creation. That was yesterday (Wednesday) morning. But, God, my head was still full of gunk, bad gunk. However, the guidance I got from my inner being, since I was meditating instead of going to work, was to look on google for remedies for a sinus infection (since doctors are powerless over virus's). I learned about sinus rinsing, and apple cider vinegar. Wild horses could not have stopped me from enacting sinus rinsing. I felt that push of alignment with my inner being. I know, I felt it over an unspiritual thing like a  sinus infection but it really felt like spiritual alignment. I obtained the materials at CVS and have tried it 3 times. Now at least the mucus is fluid and clear.

This morning (Thursday), I finished another chapter of my spiritual writing, four now done. Then I looked at the title page, which I have not looked at for months. I realized that I like the title alot. "A THOUSAND MEDITATIONS -- For Addicts and Other Humans" I have 3 more chapters to edit and write introductions. That is a bit of work. I feel good about getting it done.

I still think that phase 3 of my life is in a valley, not yet climbing very far up the mountain. I feel much happier with Starbucks off my mind and not a focus. Being sick has caused me to pause. I ask for guidance for each next step. Abraham says,"I'll never get it done." This saying means, I am an extension of Source energy, an eternal being, and so there is always more. I want to understand more about being a vibrational being. I have the space in my life to focus on my inner being.

So, I am in a valley but looking forward to climbing another mountain. I don't know what the next mountain is, but I know it is there.

Nice People

The couple stood there outside the library. The day was not too terribly cold, but it was a November day and there was a chilly wind. He was in a suit and she was in a skirt. He was brunette and she was blond. They were a nice looking couple, at least for a white suburban location.

Beside them was a portable set of shelves carrying religious pamphlets and books. By the look of the tracts, I knew what religion these people were proselytizing for. I had seen other people from that religion in that same location before. Usually I give them a wide berth, as I enter the library. The couple looked a little forlorn since it was a quiet time of day at the library, and anyway, the library makes those kind of people stand a distance away from the entrance.

Today was different. As I parked my car, looking out the car window from the parking lot, I realized that I knew these people. I worked with the girl, and her man also came into our workplace. It would be rude to just brush by them without looking. I may not be religious, and prefer not to interact with proselytizers, but I am not rude. I may not believe I am a sinner. I may not believe I need a savior. Despite my lack of religious belief, being nice is wired into my humanity.

So, I looked out my car window and saw my peeps standing there with their little book shelf. I realized that I was going to go over and say hi to them and be nice, regardless of their religion or their purpose in standing there. And that is what I did. No I didn't pick up any tracts. But I was nice.

Who I am, and who any human really is, is nice. We just are. Accept it. Believe it. Isn't it wonderful that humans are so nice? Doesn't it make you want to be one?

The Next Phase of my Development

So. ten days ago, I ran 50 miles in a race. It was a high time. I was in the zone for many of those miles. No injuries. Yesterday I had an 11 mile run in the forest. Today I ran 7 very fast miles, 10.3 min/mile. Yesterday's video:

In the middle of this week, I decided to carry out some thoughts which had been in my head for awhile. Yes, a couple of events brought emotion into the picture and I snapped. I tried to quit my barista job. Mainly because it was interfering with writing. My identity is really not:barista. So I don't want barista work occupying my brain and using the morning hours which are best for reflecting.  As time went on, I was becoming more and more tired and less writing was happening. I tried to quit all together, but the store manager talked me into reducing to 2 short shifts per week, only one early morning and only one weekend day. That helps a lot to lighten the physical and mental burden. I can also plan on keeping the healthcare benefit for another year.

But now, I have my mornings for writing and editing. I won't be as exhausted. I'm excited to have the free time and mental space to create new situations. I also have more freedom to follow intuition. I feel momentum increasing on my book project. This morning was my first time in months to do Morning Pages. Less work returns me to the plan I had a year ago when I retired to do writing. But I must not have been ready so I got a part time job. Now I'm ready to try again. I know a lot more about what I need to do.

Because I Can

An awesome thing happened to me today: I ran 50.4 miles. The awesome part was that I didn't have to and there was no reward for doing it. I did it because I wanted to.period.

See, the belt buckle was given when I reached 50k (31 miles). But, then, well, I felt good. Why stop there. I was in no hurry to go home, so ahead I went for another lap. And then another lap. And then getting up to 42 miles, I thought, why not go for the 50? I had the laps in me. Nothing was wrong other than a bit tired legs. And it was warm. And I could do it before the sun went down.

I wasn't the only one. It was a 24 hour race. Everyone got a buckle at 50k. But most of the runners continued on, even up past 100 miles. The only reward is internal really. The feeling of what you did is a thing to be remembered and contemplated.

Let me focus on what really astonishes me. I did it for no reward. Not for a bigger buckle or an award of any kind. I just felt like continuing to run even after I got the buckle at 50k. I felt like it so I did it. Usually, I stop when I get the buckle. Today, I just kept going because I wanted to. Sorry to repeat myself three times, but the feeling of going on and on was new to me. The feeling of running more than the required number of miles just because I felt good was incredible. Some mental hurdle disappeared. No resistance at all. It changed the way I look at my life:

I go to work at Starbucks because I can. I jog in forests because I can. I drive a cool car because I can. I drink purified spring water because I can. There is almost no "have to" about my life at the moment.  I do what I want because I can.

Driving home, Kansas gave me a treat of a magnificent sunset. Perfect!

Immediate Help

Last evening,I fell into an emotional hole. I knew that if I continued to think the thoughts I was thinking, I end up going down a certain path which I didn't think I wanted to go down. I knew I needed help from my Inner Being. I hadn't truly been conscious of the fact that I had fallen into an emotional hole or why. I felt down on myself and despairing of ever been good enough for my work situation. Clarity was achieved this morning. I slept good and long and I have a day off to reflect.

Be that as it may, last night, I asked for help from my Inner Being, and help was immediately sent. I noticed it. First, as I was driving to a fellowship meeting, I felt gratitude for the work situation which seemed to be troubling me. That is, I remembered the positive aspects. Second, at the fellowship, I sat next to a man who has known me for more than 30 years, and who also is a wise man older than me. Out of the blue, he said, "You seem completely different since you came back. Completely relaxed." Well, this was someone else seeing in me what I could not see in myself, at least not in a moment of emotional turmoil. A gift from the Higher Power since I immediately felt the truth of it. This man has been associating with me for the past year, so however I felt in the moment, my overall vibration is relaxed. Third, the fellowship discussion was on "Go With the Flow." Wait another synchronous event, message from non-physical, reply of the Higher Power. And several people shared how they do prayer and meditation. These three things helped me relax and realize that I need do nothing about my situation.

This morning, after that long sleep, I realize that working 6 days in a row may have exhausted me, and when I am exhausted, I am very emotionally sensitive. And my perception of events at work yesterday left my inner child in emotional turmoil. It seems reasonable now, but last night I was spiraling into an emotional hole.

This morning, having a day off,  I pulled out my writing work and continued my editing. This is the first thing I read:

Have mercy on yourself. Stop and be calm a moment. Look inside. We all need to get beyond the raging thoughts in our heads, and get to know our truth. 
“As soon as we settle down in hope and confidence to discover the deeper forces within ourselves, they begin to become active.” (Brunton, The Quest for the Over Self, pg 206)
Meditate/ contemplate on your own depths and inner strengths. These are your silent deeper forces. They wait for your attention. Merely shift focus from your obsession to the depths of your being. Get beyond the raging obsessive thoughts and pay attention to the deeper forces.
Listen and new thoughts will come into your mind.

Shoot. My own writing really helped me: Have mercy on yourself.

Also this morning, I got an e-mail from someone who appreciated me. That was super great timing. All the above is to say: I get it. The Universe helps me along. My Inner Being gives me the information I need. Without the synchronicity, or the ability to notice it, I could have headed down a path to changing my life in unnecessary ways. When really, my life is arranged at the moment in a way which facilitates carrying out my dream. I need patience and perseverance because carrying out the dream takes time. Also, related to my emotional turmoil and carrying out my dream, I watched a video yesterday about a woman who saved a kitten. She said she accomplished saving the kitten through "pure stubborn-ness." And for me to accomplish my dream, I need stubborn-ness.

I need do nothing. For the next several weeks, my work schedule returns to a normal pattern of only working 2 or 3 days in a row, not six. I can return to my writing project.

I'm going in a race this weekend. The weather looks perfect. Yee Ha!

KC Marathon Finish Picture

Below is a great picture of me coming in to the finish line of the Kansas City marathon. I am looking very intense.

My next race is a 24 hour race which starts on a Friday evening. I hope to run 50k on Friday night, finishing about 1 am. Adjourn to my hotel room to sleep and eat. Then return to the course on Saturday to complete at least another 50k.

I love being an athlete.

We are getting our first snow tonight and tomorrow night! And cold! My indoor machines might get alot of usage. However, I am going to make a pair of screw shoes tomorrow.

Race Report -- KC Marathon

The alarm went off at 3:40 am. I was dead asleep. I knew the forecast called for rain today, but I hadn't seriously decided that maybe I didn't want to run a marathon in the rain. Marathons take me a long time so getting too cold is a consideration. But not today. The temps were in the 50s. Looking at the radar, the rain didn't look too hard. After some coffee and yogurt, packing my stuff, I was on the way to the race. Only a 20 minute drive. I was there very early so no problem getting a parking spot where I wanted. I sat in my car and read a book.

About an hour before the race, I went over to the festival area near the start. I had on a light weight poncho because of the rain. Most people were standing under tents, which is where I stood. I used the porta potties. They had alot of them so no waiting. About 15 minutes before the start, I got myself into the starting corral. I was positioned near the 4:50 pace bunny, although I lost him as soon as the race started. There were thousands of runners, doing the full marathon, the half marathon or 10k, all lined up together. I couldn't hear what the announcer was saying at all. Everybody shut up for the national anthem, which sounded like a recorded rendition using a clarinet and no voice. Wait, you cant find a good singer in the city? There were fire works when the horn blew. It took me at least a minute to begin to even move forward.

The race starts in an area known as Crown Center. The first part of the race goes north into downtown, and then circles south along The Paseo, The Plaza, along Ward Parkway, Brookside, Waldo, a bit into Johnson County, along Ward Parkway, back toward The Plaza, West Port, and back to Crown Center. It was a very decent tour of Kansas City and featured some really affluent sections with massive stately old mansions. 

It rained lightly for about 2.5 hours. I ran at a 10:19 pace for the first half. I knew I could keep up that pace for 16 miles and that then I'd start to be whupped. I had a secret wish to finish in under 5 hours.
For much of the first half, I was wondering if I really should complete this race. The rain was not thrilling me and 26 miles seemed like a long way. But, as I approached the split where the half marathoners headed home, my body swung itself into the full marathon course. I resigned myself to finishing. All this mental struggle even though I was having a banner day: fastest paces in several years. I did great but did slow down for the last 8 miles. I didn't do any walking except for through aid stations. My jogging in the last 4 miles was slow, even on the down hills. My legs hurt, but no blisters or other injuries.

I started to hope for a sub-five hour finish. That would be major for me. I kept jogging although I'm sure I looked like I was barely moving. It wasn't raining and the sun shone in spots. The last mile was a gentle down hill but still I couldn't bring myself to pound my quads very hard. Lots of people were at the finish line. I made it! 4:49 by my Garmin (which doesn't include 2 pit stops). Second in my age group.

No pictures until the race photographer publishes. Due to the rain, I didn't take my cell phone on course.

What am I living for?

This question appeared in my life recently and I was intrigued. It is a different take on the other question: What is the purpose of my life? I couldn't of myself come up with a purpose, like Jesus of something.

But what am I living for?

To be a writer. To be a marathoner. To be an ultra-fit elder woman. To be sober and in conscious contact with my higher power. To complete the book I'm working on. To push the envelope of my consciousness and evolutionary stance.

I am in the process of switching carriers and methods of accessing the internet. I decided that I didn't like one company. My interim measure is not sufficient for the long term. So now I have a new long term plan and it is in the works. But it takes a few days and some financial backing. I mention this because it is also a evolutionary and metaphysical process.

Yesterday, I installed a new type of smoke detector in my bedroom. This also is an evolutionary change, part of an evolutionary and metaphysical process. Completion required me going to the store and picking out a new detector. Then, a day later, thinking about it while laying on the bed reading, feeling the impetus to do something, putting down my book, getting off the bed, finding a screwdriver and making the switch. I needed to feel the impetus or nothing would have happened. For this feeling, I know that I can complete evolutionary processes step by step.

The book I am writing is an evolutionary process of changing the nature of addiction recovery. I can complete this process step by step.

What am I living for? To carry out metaphysical processes, called creation and human evolution. Fun, in other words.

I used to live in hopes of fixing my emotional state. I was a miserable creature, always angry and trying to prove myself, fending off the world and its people. I no longer have a need to do that. My emotional state is fine.

I quit my career type job to construct phase 3 of my life. I have a good start on that but it is a process. I am living to carry out the process.

But still, deep down inside, what did my physical being want to live for? Why did my soul want to be a human being? Why did my physical being end up in a tragic family of origin? I don't have the answer. I received many gifts from my parents, but also some very bad neuro wiring. I don't think I'll have these answers until I go home, transition out of physical life. For now, I keep pushing forward from where I am today. From the outside, I may appear to be sitting on a bench of life. What I am actually doing does not appear to the people of the world.

Tomorrow is the Kansas City marathon. Will it be just another marathon? Or will it be part of an evolutionary process? What am I living for? Will I feel invigorated at the end? Iwill if that is what I anticipate.

God Consciousness

My studies of neuro-science and addiction have wandered far, including much pondering of hallucinogens. The god consciousness people describe during LSD trips seems like something I want but am deprived of.

Lately, I've been reading a book by a neuroscience professor, recovered addict, called "Never Enough" (Judith Grisel). She describes her acid trip like this: "... an ever-present, infinite, and wonder-full energy in, and around, and through, every speck of creation."

Well now. Actually, I know this. I have to admit that I know this ever-present energy without LSD. I know it whenever I want to know it. I just have to remember it. I am quite able to feel it as I feel the energy of joy and realize consciously that the universe is really a joy filled thing.

On another page, "Never Enough" describes the light of the LSD experience as: "...they (hallucinogens) shone a light on what is always available but somehow usually obscured." My daily short attempts to meditate have in fact given me knowledge of this "always available." The thing is that this ever-present energy of joy is not some tremendous out of body experience. It is a subtle knowing sort of thing. The author says that hallucinogens disrupt the default patterns of synapses. The thing is, that any person can also disrupt the habitual thinking patterns without drugs if they want. Just use the spiritual tools.

The beauty of quiet mornings, when I can sit quietly and ponder spiritual matters is that I share these times with a God Consciousness. And I admit that my entire life has been a seeking of this God Consciousness. The seeds of God Consciousness were planted very early and have been growing ever since. Now, in my sixties, I look at a huge tree, impossible to ignore. The growing of this tree is the purpose of my life.

And so, I still do laundry, go to the grocery store and work at a job in the service industry. Also, I will go running in a forest and thank the trees. I will also consciously thank all the people.

The Hay is in the Barn

Today was my last really long run before the KC marathon in 2 weeks. I'm wanting to break 5 hours in a marathon. In the past 4 days, I've completed 50 miles and 2 weight workouts. Let's recap:

Monday: 5.5 hour shift at Starbucks plus a 9 mile slow jog in 90F temps.
Tuesday: 13.5 miles of hilly trails. 10 miles of running groomed trails plus 2.5 miles of hiking. Hot weather.
Wednesday: 9.5 miles at 9:25 per mile pace in reasonable weather, on asphalt with hills.
Thursday: 18.1 miles at 12 min/mile pace, no walking, cool temps.

I'm so happy with today's run because of the no walking business. In Houston, where I lived until a year ago, I could never get in long runs without walking due to the heat. Now I feel confident about running a marathon without much walking. I finished Heart of America marathon in 5:13, with some walking and really slow jogging at the end because of the heat. I know I have a sub 5 in me.

Still Summer

It is October, but summer weather was still with us as of yesterday. Amazing! But summer weather in Missouri is still far better than summer weather is on the Gulf Coast.

I an a year into phase 3 of my life, my post career life. I built in several situations for phase 3, and these are evolving.

I've been a Starbucks employee for 11 months, but in my current store for only 6 months. I find that my partners are now loosening up. They see that I am upholding my end of the work, and that they don't need to be scared of an older person. I am enjoying being on the team more each day. My body has become used to the work and I find the really busy days to be energizing. I know many customer's names and so relate to them also. So I count this part time job as a successful experiment.

Now that my situation with work is more routine, I can divert attention to writing projects. I find myself mulling over and over the neuro science of addiction, modern addiction treatment and spirituality. The decision to have a spiritual life is really a complete separation from the addicted life. The spiritual life is a complete shift in focus, and combating addiction is left behind. The missing piece is that spirituality works but can't be grasped in a material sense. Yet I think my approach to writing about it sufficiently provides the needed glimpses. The content is written. I continue too plow through editing and filling in gaps. This week, I got a chapter introduction done to share with my writer's critique group.

In general, and several times a day, I feel satisfaction in where I am at in life. I can still go out and run 10 miles for fun. I feel joy in physical fitness. I live in a place that is perfect for me. My bills are paid. I have time to read and write, or do the "deep work" as Cal Newport calls it. I live in a different world than the older ladies of my socio economic group, and I'm happy about that. I am extremely glad to be me, and that is a huge change from a year ago when I was still stuck in a corporate box.

Appreciation

Today, 9/17, was a day off. It is hot around here, but I didn't make it out of bed in time for running in cool temperature. Instead, I headed off to a state park about 25 miles away. That park is mostly forest, so runnable even if it is very hot. It has a 2.75 mile paved bike path. It is a hilly park so climbing muscles get used. I had a lovely time for 2.5 hours.

I spent some of today's run thinking about the road less traveled. I am unbelievably happy to be outside the system of 5 day work weeks. I am also outside the television system and the religion system and the meat eater system and the sedentary system and the over eating getting fat system and the big house system and the dote on your children system, and the corporate manager system.

I am also incredibly pleased to be part of the gig economy. I'm happy to be working even though technically retired. And I look around at the gray hairs standing behind cash registers and I know that we share a secret. Many of us are not there primarily for the money. We are there because we want to be and are receiving non-physical riches.

After I came home from running, and showered, I took a nap and read a book. I suddenly had to put the book down for a moment and cry over how grateful and appreciative I am to have my life. I just feel wonderful, even about the difficult job at Starbucks. I feel hopeful of my future and the slow molding of thoughts which is my writing project. I feel hopeful about running long term. I love being free of the systems. (Aside: I should mention that Starbucks is difficult because it is on your feet, involves lifting and being on the go for 6 or so hours. The physical is the challenging part. So different from the difficulties from my corporate desk job.)

In my life, there were many roads not taken. And, many times where I've failed to complete someone else's road and had to quit. But now I feel as if all the roads I've taken brought me to the exact right spot. The exact right spot is not for the rich and famous. It is for the thoughtful. It is for the runner. It is for enjoyment and fascination.

I have spent my life involved with mental improvement and spiritual studies. Somehow, this has resulted in a great deal of healing. I now think of my parents fondly. Fondly! Incredible since ours was a classic alcoholic and dysfunctional home. I think of various experiences I've had and am grateful for the journey. I'm excited that the journey is not over. I can envision where it is going and how it will feel. I know so.

The end of The Road not Taken by Robert Frost:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

A Year Later

A year ago today, I quit my career and entered phase 3 of my life. Best.decision.ever.

What you should know, if you retire early, is that it is about quality of life and not money. My career was basically about making and saving money. Now, my focus is on learning new things and building a new life.

The key thing is that I am happy. I can't really explain why I was so unhappy at my career and the environment of the Gulf Coast. I should have been able to generate a good attitude regardless, but never did. However, upon moving north to Missouri and now working part time, I was instantly happy, and haven't looked back. Joy is now a skill I have and I do have to produce it consciously but it seems easy given my current way of living.

My plan for phase 3 of my life has been adhered to: move to Missouri, run alot, work part time, learn to be a writer and produce a publishable work from the material I wrote before I quit my career.

The good side of my writing project is that it is making steady progress. I have my content together and am now trying to sort through the information and organize it. I have learned much about the business of writing and publishing in the past year, enough to know what direction I am headed and what it could look like. I have the tools, though still learning to use them. As my writing project moves forward, it is bringing people and experiences into my life which I wouldn't otherwise have. I live near a public library which has a writing center funded by the Kaufmann Foundation. So, they have many classes, groups and staff to help writers. They even have a book making machine right in the library.

I never planned for my writing to be my source of financial support, so I am free to work on it a bit too slowly. What I wish I could do better is spend more of my afternoons writing, and doing deep work. But napping and then working out seem to take precedence, especially if I was up at 3 am for work. I seem to need the down time and then later on it is difficult to get my mind turned on and focused. I have been working on the habit of just getting my body into the chair at my desk, without YouTube.

I have entered a very happy time at my barista job. I have learned enough to be a valuable team member and to have fun. The young partners are accepting me. My body is better physically for working on my feet, lifting, bending, reaching, instead of spending all day at a computer. My mind is better for having to learn almost a whole new barista language and software. I'm having to use parts of my brain that engineers don't need to use and so I didn't use them for decades. There is big value in an old person learning new things (hint: mental longevity). This part time job provides health insurance and pays most of my day to day living expenses. My assets have increased since quitting my career.

I survived the winter, but did not start 3 races due to cold weather. In Texas, I did not start races due to heat. But I did run all winter. I have run all summer. The Gulf Coast was a huge problem with overwhelming heat for 8 or so months a year. I suffered from heat related illness every weekend. That problem has disappeared here in Missouri. And so, I run faster more often. Running fast has been a blast. I had a great marathon a week ago. Even at mile 21, I was very happy (check out my smile):

In the area of Missouri where I now live, I am around people whom I've known for 30 or more years. In terms of social capital, I am very rich. I got to celebrate my 34th sobriety anniversary with numerous people I got sober with all those years ago.

I have become a neuro science geek. Part of my writing project involves studying neuro science to explain addiction and recovery. In my retired life, I have time to read neuro science books and addiction books, which seem to be coming out at a furious pace. Luckily, the public library stocks the latest and greatest books.

Here is a video from today's jaunt in the forest:

Heart of America Marathon 2019

Well, I did it! I ran a race! I didn't not-make-it-to-the-start. I did run pretty hard and for most of the way.

The day started comfortable cool at about 60F, but very humid, foggy in fact. The race was not huge, only about 300 runners. The first half of the race was more down hill than not, so I made it to the half point in about 2:20. The half is in the middle of a long steep hill, known as the Easley Hill. (If a hill has a name, you know it is knarley).

After that, the sun came out and as time wore one, I got slower and put in a few walk breaks. I got a blister on the bottom of one foot. It took me a long time to figure out that tightening that shoe would help. Finally, I did stop and tighten it and it did help.

Miles 23 - 26 were mostly flat, but in the sun. I was sweating profusely and dying on the vine as far as speed goes. Second place in my age group passed me during mile 25, but I had nothing to go after her with. I finished in 5:13 by garmin time.

All in all, I'm please with how much I ran (as opposed to walking). I'm pleased that I kept jogging the last mile even though I was hurting. I just said to myself, "well, this is how it is supposed to feel if you try to keep running 26 miles."

I thought of Courtney Dauwalter during the last couple of miles (see second video below). I know a marathon is nothing compared to UTMB 100. But thats the race I was in. I know Courtney keeps going. She goes in her pain cave and keeps going. So, I tried that too. It was hot but I told myself that I wouldn't die if I got a little over heated in the last couple of miles. Just keep going. I am feeling the emotion of accomplishment as we speak.

I rewarded myself on the way home with a Quick Trip grilled cheese and Coke Zero.

My next marathon (#97) is in 6 weeks.

Not Getting

It is nearly a year since I left my corporate job. It struck me this morning that who I am in terms of what I am trying to "get" out of life has changed.

I was for the first time today able to see clearly how much I was trying to get out of the corporation and its bosses. Stuff like recognition and self worth. As a corporate engineer, I was wrapped up in the corporate culture, criticism of what the bosses were doing, being angry because I had no place to grow to. Even on the weekend when I did my long runs, my brain was taken up with resentments and anger over work.

I was not able to just sit in a cushy corporate job and collect money but slowly die to creativity and hope for the future. I wanted something more, but I couldn't "get" it from the corporation. Now, I accept that my modus operandi: my career was about making money and I quit it as soon as that task was completed.

In the past, my feelings of success were dependent on what other people thought of me and what they were willing to reward me with. Success at work was huge to me. I only felt successful if I was winning at work. But now, I have nothing in the material world to hang a successful feeling on. It is impossible for me to be pointed out as successful because there is nothing there. This lack of exterior conditions forces me to either feel good about myself simply because I exist, or never feel good because I'm not in situations to garner praise and rewards.

Now, whatever it was which I was trying to "get" from the corporation has been forgotten. I don't have any expectation of  being promoted or given a raise as a means to help me feel validated or wanted. I have no expectation of being asked to do special projects because of my expertise and using these to bolster my ego. Along with the loss of expectations is the ending of trying to wrest anything out of life.

I am more or less a free bird, living one day at a time. I think I don't have a purpose driven life. If I want to be validated, or feel better, I do it for myself. My happiness is not dependent on bosses at work but on my own seeking for good thoughts about myself from the inside. If I want to feel better then I am self responsible for finding those thoughts from the inside.

If I have a purpose, it is to allow instead of try to get. I'm learning to be an allower instead of a getter. I am not dependent of some corporation or its bosses to validate my worth or give recognition. I have no recognition to achieve. I am merely alive.

Spiritual study has been a part of my life for decades. For a long time, I was trying to get enlightenment from God, and mad that God had never given it. Even that type of getting is gone from my agenda. I have entered a way of living where I allow whatever is going to happen to happen. God does not have to give me enlightenment today.

So who am I really? Being. I am just Being.

34th Anniversary

Today is my sobriety birthday. I have been sober for 34 years. I've had a sober adult life, since I was 26 when things got "bad enough" to quit drinking. I loved AA thirty four years ago and I still like it. I went to a noon meeting today. I got to talk with a young man who has a little over 60 days. I've sat in lot of meetings with him. He is trying to stay off drugs. I love him.

I also ran 15 miles today, in 10:30 per mile. Now that is awesome. It was 70F and cloudy when I got started at 8:30 am. I hadn't really planned on running that far, but I was going fast so I decided to keep it up until I ran out of time. I never ran that fast in Houston because it was always too hot. Missouri offers the climate for summertime running. Missouri also offers terrain. Houston is pancake flat but Missouri has hills. Today's run included hills. I love hills. I love digging in on the way up and cruising on the way down. I'll lift weights this evening.

Life is good. I feel good. Sober life is awesome.

Renaissance Appreciation

This morning, I ran 14 miles on a groomed trail in a nature sanctuary. I spent 3 hours, and it was a bit hot. I so appreciated the time, the activity and the environment.

I feel amazing about myself and about life. I am running really good, much improved over the past 8 years in Houston. I attribute this to a cooler environment, more hills and because I work at a manual job and on my feet for 24 hours a week. 60 year olds can improve their fitness.

It was a weekend of watching cross fit athletes sort out who is the fittest man/woman on earth. It has been 52 days of watching the 3,100 mile race. And here I am, running in a forest and just feeling so super pumped about it. Yesterday, I ran on my treadmill in the afternoon and I felt super pumped about that too. I was able to crank up the speed and add some incline and run run run.

My brain is better since leaving my career 11 months ago. Thanks to Starbucks, I have had to learn a whole new language. All those new synapses are a good mental workout for an entrenched brain. All the lifting and bending and walking back and forth help me too.

It is the eve of my 34th sobriety birthday. How grateful I am for my sober adult life. So much good stuff. Mostly, spiritual stuff. I have had an adult life of conscious contact with my inner being. I so appreciate that.

I am financially stable after 11 months away from my big paying career. Everything is is growing.

Everest Revisited

I've been fascinated by the videos of Everest treks 2019, and the huge waiting lines to get to the summit. I know for a fact, I'd hate it if I had to wait in line behind some slow poke idiot in order to summit Everest. Today I watched a video of a guy who made it up and down. Here is a screen shot from his video which got my attention:

Credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA4_LLMMl4g


Yes, he climbed Everest and got the tatoo.

But we all have a mountain within. I consider my mountain within frequently. It is the mountain where I meet God. It is a mountain with can be climbed slowly, haltingly, or, on other days, I fly to the top instantly.

I like to imagine inner journeys, journeys into my soul. Paying attention to my soul. Connecting with my soul.

Last night, I slept nearly 10 hours. Today was my first day off in 5 days. 5 days in a row of working at Starbucks can exhaust a person. Especially since I am an opener, getting to work at 4:30 am. I almost never work 5 days in a row, but a couple of people had requested off. So my manager cheated on my schedule by jamming together 4 days one week and another day the next week.

This morning, I ran in Platte Purchase park. I had the whole park to myself. It is a slightly hilly park, but I found my average easy pace with hills is 11.5 min/mile. I'm really happy with that. The day started out reasonably cool, 72F with some clouds. But by the time I finished, it was closer to 81F and I found myself exhausted. I had to walk the last 0.1 mile up to my car. Awesome!

This afternoon, I did a 3 mile trail hike in the Parkville Nature Sanctuary. Even though the temps were in the 90s, the trail is in a forest, so hiking was not that difficult.

Its About the Energy

This morning, during my morning meditation, I had a big breakthrough in understanding. I'm sure I got a glimpse of the way my Inner Being sees things.

Here is a story:

10 months ago, I quit my high paying corporate job and started a part time job at Starbucks. And ever since, some part of my brain has been annoyed with this situation. See, I'm a 60 year old well funded, retiree, ex-engineer. What the heck am I doing working with twenty year olds for ten dollars an hour? Sure, I can make up some pragmatic reasons like I get my health care from Starbucks, or I'm too young to sit in the house "retired."

But thats not really it.

The reasons have to go deeper or they are not satisfying. The reasons have to be related to my conscious contact with my spiritual Inner Being, or they are not satisfying.

So, a little bit of back story.

The real reason I quit my job was to design and live Phase 3 of my life. I wanted to take my little ship and go off into the metaphorical high seas, exploring and learning, before I got too old to do such things. I had some writing ideas and I wanted to become a writer.

But what the heck am I doing at Starbucks? Especially since it is more difficult to work at Starbucks than you would imagine. There is a whole new language to learn, there are hundreds of drinks and sauces to learn to make. You have to learn the location of hundreds of buttons in the cash register, and quickly find them when needed. Being on your feet and using fast thinking is totally different from being an engineer who thinks everything through slowly and sits at a computer all day. Compared to the young people, I feel so slow and stupid. I feel out of place.

So what the heck am I doing there?

Well, it has to do with energy and vibration. And that is the break through in understanding I had this morning. Finally I might perceive how my Inner Being sees this situation.

At Starbucks, I am in a fast paced environment with young people who are trying to find their way in this world, still going to school and putting together the pieces. At the corporate job, I was in a slow environment with people who all made tons of money, had all the material possessions, were near the end of their careers, and basically were not learning or growing at all.

So, since my plan is to build Phase 3 of my life as something entirely new and different from my corporate life, then it is a huge blessing that I now hang around young people who are trying to build their lives. The young people have an energy and a vibration about them which is different than the old people I used to work with. My feelings of being out of place at Starbucks, and feeling like I can't keep up, are just symptoms of my energy pattern out of harmony with their energy pattern. But over time, my energy pattern is achieving higher frequency and matching the young energy pattern.

So, it is much better for a person hoping to build a new life at the age of 60 to have a young energy pattern. I need to vibrate like a young person in order to do what they are doing, putting together the pieces of a new life.

So, now I embrace the difficulties at work and am at peace with it because it is just a shift in energy patterns. The difficulty is just what it feels like when your energy pattern is out of sync with someone else's. In this case, I want to have their energy pattern. So I am living through the discomfort.

And you know what? Today at work, they put me on bar so I can start learning how to make some of those many many drinks Starbucks has.

Spiritual exercises are so worth it. If I don't persist in meditating and connecting with my Inner Being, I'd never know what is going on energetically. Perhaps I wouldn't be able to build a new life without understanding the energy, and hanging in there for the change. Maybe I would just vegetate and slowly die.

I really want to experience full aliveness in this life. In my old corporate job, I wasn't fully alive. I was going to jail every morning and collecting the money. I couldn't stand it. I'd much rather be out in the waves navigating new things. Maybe this is what self transcendence really is and I'm really doing it.

An Off Day

I woke up this morning not in alignment with my inner being, out of sorts as it were. And I knew it. I couldn't get my mind to quiet down when I wanted to meditate.

So I went running. Wow! I ran super fast: 10:30 min/mile on a hilly course. It was so beautiful because it was cloudy this morning and that kept the temperatures around 78F.

Then more contrasting experiences occurred with other people, so I decided to get into nature this afternoon:

And now I am eating vegetables and seeds and legumes.... and I feel better.

Running After 60

Anyone who reads this blog may have guessed that it is more about running miles than anything else. I frequently amaze myself that I am still in good shape physically at 60 years of age.

June was a great month for getting some miles done. In the past week, I've had 4 runs of 12.5 miles or longer. Two of these runs were at speed. And it is the speed that amazes me. When I was living on the Gulf Coast last year, I rarely ran fast because it was always so hot. Here in Missouri, it gets hot and humid but nothing like the Gulf Coast. So I am running faster this year than last.

I am actually "training." I have a marathon in 2 months which is very hilly and has a 6 hour time limit. So I have been working on hills and speed to prepare, and running in the heat.

On the FIRE front. I added up my assets at the end of June. I gained substantially in the past 2 months, so I am ahead of when I left my corporate job last September. The trade off is spending a part of every day outside in a park, spending more time with friends, part time work as a barista for fun, learning to be a writer.

On the writing front. I have been working on editing my spiritual writing. Last night I took two of the paragraphs to the writer's Critique Group. I got some very valuable feedback. I now  know that I don't really know how to edit my material so that others can understand it. I am enrolled in a class on that topic in August. I'll probably need to read some more books. But I also now have a friend who can steer me. I'll eventually hire an editor, but I need to get closer before I do that or I'll spend too much money.

I went to a talk by a professional blogger last week. Very interesting to learn what is necessary to be a professional blogger. But in the end, I noted that she makes most of her money from traditional publishing of books, and second from self publishing. And then she spend a bunch of time on social media, making speeches, blogging and going to book signings in order to sell her books. Traditional publishing houses now require authors to have a huge social media presence before they will consider publishing your book. So, yes you are doing most of the work selling, even if the traditional publishing house takes it on. So you might as well self publish. Most of what that blogger does is uninteresting to me.

I came away with this knowledge. I spent two years on spiritual writing. I believe the writing should make it out into the world, and I will support it after I publish it. But I'm not under financial pressure, so I don't need to worry about spending hours every day tagging things on twitter, instagram, fb or  other places. I am free to do the best job I possibly can at self publishing. I also deeply believe that my intuitive self will guide me and the little miracles I need to be successful will come. I'm also done trying to explain what I am doing to my social circle. To them, it is a pie in the sky project. They may humor me but they don't believe in me. My writing friends do believe because they are on the path with me and we are learning together.

If you do read this blog, thank you very much. If you haven't followed the blog, please do.

Fast 10k Run 6/23/2019

I ran fast today, I mean, for me: average 10:19 per miles. That is faster that 5.5 miles per hour. On a slightly hilly course. I loved it. I worked this morning, so my legs weren't rested.

And I might add, that when I lived in Houston, I never ran that fast because it was always too freaking hot. And there aren't any hills in Houston.

I felt great actually pushing myself on the uphills.

I love hills

One of the reasons I left Houston was because the place is flat as a pancake. For a runner, that is annoying. Kansas City has hills. Hills are awesome.

Surprising to me, I am improving at my running since leaving Houston, even after a snowy winter here when I had to cut back on the mileage.

This morning, it crossed my mind about how peaceful many people seem to be after they retire. Suddenly they are out walking everyday, playing with kids, going to Starbucks, hanging out with the dog.

I continue to try and figure out why my job had become so intolerable, even though it was easy and a good company. Well, there was the issue of creativity. I have creative projects now and I am the boss of the project. No one around to tell me I can't.

But the issue that struck me today regarded being in a cage. My life as a career woman was lived in a cage. A big cage, but still a cage. A corporate cage filled with attendance requirements and behavior requirements. And I wasn't myself while being in the cage. Now, I live outside of cages. I am free to be me, not a corporate-fitter-inner.

I totally "get" the FIRE movement. Here's all these really smart people hiring into corporations where they hate their corporate selves. But, the salary is great. So, just save like crazy and get the heck out as soon as possible. These FIRE people are not just sitting around with their millions. They are contributing to society and the world in creative ways, divorced from money. That contribution is incredibly valuable.

Man I Feel Good

This morning was another early morning at Starbucks. Today I worked the whole time on the front, which means I served the face to face walk in customers, made coffee and helped with food. After a 6.5 hour shift, driving home, man I felt so happy. I worked hard and feel happy. Incredible!

But before that, I got up at 3 am in order to have time to connect with my spirit before going to work. My spiritual reading was of my own writings. Well, actually editing my own writings. But also musing the spirituality of it, and talking to my higher self about it. I remembered a key point to my whole retirement. I wanted to be alive, that is, know I am alive while I am alive and experience the aliveness of it.

For some reason, I didn't feel this while I had a career.

Starbucks is a great place to feel alive.

Abraham Hicks (check it out on YouTube) has helped me to choose happiness. "I am happy because I want to be happy." I try to set an intention or a feeling of joy before I go to work. It is a very subtle feeling that I find before work. But after work, the happy feeling was 100 times more than my pre-paving. Obviously felt, and I still feel it now hours later.

I even got to teach it today. One of the guys likes to say he is only plastering on his happy face and doesn't really feel happy. I told him it was up to him and didn't buy into the culture of not being happy or not wanting to be at work.

I like feeling happy. I have decided to feel happy. And so I feel happy.

I also love myself now. Growing up in an alcoholic home, there was no chance of being taught how to love yourself, regardless of the other people. Abraham Hicks helped with this also.

Most humans, talking the first worlders now, aren't happy. I wasn't happy for most of my life even with an engineering career. I wasn't really alive either. I mainly survived each workday, could hardly wait to leave. I didn't know how to be alive and didn't know how to choose how I feel. Is there something about today's white collar corporate or financial jobs that makes this very difficult? While working at Starbucks makes this very easy?

It could have something to do with sitting at a desk for eight hours staring at a computer. That could be why there is a FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) movement. These FIRE  people know they hate their white collar jobs, but these are the jobs that pay alot. So, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

In other news:
Monday I ran very fast for 13.25 miles.
Tuesday I did a slow 13 miles.
Wednesday rode the elliptical for 35 minutes. And worked.
Thursday I hill walked for 7 miles. And worked
Friday I ran medium speed 10 miles.
Saturday I rode the elliptical for 50 minutes and lifted weights. And worked.

Fitness

No, that picture is not of me. But I love hearing about lady athletes who are older than me. They are my role models.

Today I ran 13.3 miles along Line Creek trail. It was hot (90F) but the trail is shady. I drank 1.5 liters of water. There is a recreational center along Line Creek which has lovely cold water so I stop there for refills.

The Next Thing

Well, last weekend I fulfilled a desired plan: I drove to Dallas, ran 2.5 marathons and drove home. I was incredibly happy that I didn't chicken out and not go at all. I didn't chicken out and not go the third day. I didn't try to do more than would make me happy by running a full marathon on the third day.

Now, a week later, I have one new toe nail and the dead skin has fallen off the insides of my big toes.

I have been perusing running calendars for months, trying to decide on what races to go in. Nothing really grabbed me until this week. And so I decided on my next marathon. It is a course I've run twice before. It is very hilly. It has a 6 hour time limit. It will probably be hot. But I am focused now. I'm happy with the focus.

And so today I ran my hills with extra energy.

When I got back to my car, parked at the library, I teased a guy parked next to me who had a huge stack of books, like 20 of the which were thick. He laughed and asked me if it was as humid as he felt. Then he said, but you are probably a beast. I guess I look like a beast in my hat, sun glasses and hydro-pak. Then I noticed that he was changing shoes and getting ready to hit the trail I had just come off of. So cool: 60 year old lady is called a beast!

Today is a day off my part time job. I slept long and I am very peaceful. It is nice to relax. I realize at this point, that I have a pretty predictable pattern of activities chosen because I like them. The person who had a career and tried to be important at work is gone. I had striven for greatness in some way for so many years. Now I am trying to sink deeper into my spiritual connections and not try to find anything out in the material world. After all, I've been chasing more connection with my higher self my whole life and now I have the opportunity to be real about it. Trying to be a big hoo haa in a corporation or in my profession was a side gig and for most of my life I could hardly wait for the career to be over.

At Starbucks, we wear head sets if we are supporting the drive up window. Yesterday, I was listening to 3 shift managers talk on the head sets. As shift managers, they make very little more money than a regular barista. I guess that now that I heard what that hourly rate is, I'm surprised at how little, except Starbucks does offer benefits, which counts for alot in my book. Other eating establishments don't offer the benefits. However, I do think a shift manager should be paid more than they are. But, they do seem to stick around for years so Starbucks would have no incentive to increase the pay.

Starbucks gave all of us gay pride shirts to wear during gay pride month, June. It was weird to have several drive up customers notice the shirt and want to buy one. I am not gay but work with many gay partners. I'm suddenly realizing what a great proportion of the population really says they are gay. I wonder if it is not just that stereo-typical roles for men and women are no longer tolerable so people branch off into same sex relationships. I haven't been in a relationship for nearly two decades. I don't think I could tolerate the role that most men would want, that of dominating the female, like always being the one to drive or thinking the woman should cook dinner.

Part of my daily life is to work on my writing and learning to become a writer. The project still does not have enough momentum, but it does get a steady amount of activity, a little work every day. Twice a month, I participate in writing groups and this helps alot with momentum because I always prepare something to share. Each morning, I work on the spiritual writing project. In the afternoons, I find that I can add a paragraph or two to my novel. I can see two or three bread crumbs down the path for each project. I'm not trying to push it. I could push it. I don't really want to. My latest effort is to write in an "Upstairs Journal" every day.

My social life is in the midst of people I have known for more than 30 years. It is amazing to me to have these connections. Especially when I realize that while I have moved around and been absent for years here and there, many of them were present for the whole time. I used to disrespect people like that. Now I respect that consistency.

Working part time as I do, I live outside the bounds of the 9 to 5 world. I am not in jail for 40 hours a week. I don't commute. I usually work on weekends. I am usually in a park every afternoon. I love my life now. I don't know really why my career job was so hated, but I clearly like how I'm living now.

Musing and rambling done. Spirit out!

Texas Triple

Well, the short form is: I did it!

Before I even went to Texas, I had asked the race director if I did two marathons and a half marathon, would that still count for a triple? Yes it would. My primary reason for this is that it is an 8 hour drive home from Dallas, and I didn't know if I would have to work the next day. So the original plan was always to run 2.5 marathons.

Day 1 went ok. It was really hot late in the race so I walked more than usual. I made a mistake with my knee so my ACL tightened up alot after I stopped running. A slight cause for concern.

Day 2 went better. I figured out what to do about the knee. It seemed a bit cooler. I got done a little bit faster. My left toe was seeping blood out from under the blister pads. I knew there was a blister but I didn't know how bad and I left it wrapped up since it doesn't hurt too much. I had another blister on the bottom of my foot. This was because the sock from the first day stuck to the show insole, and since I only had one sock on, my foot took a beating. I fixed this problem for day two, but still, that blister occasionally screamed at me.

Early morning day 3. I'm sitting in my hotel room, dressed for the race and packed. Should I go? I felt like I could do a half marathon, and I came all the way to Texas to run a triple. So, lets do it!

I get to the race and look up the race director to tell here I am only doing a half. But as as soon as she saw me, before I said anything, she blurts out that if I run a full marathon, I'll win the women's triple division and be awarded a really cool trophy. It was a really cool trophy. The race director really wanted me to have it. But my mind was already made up about only running a half. I didn't think I had another full in me.

So that is how it went down. Since I only had a half to do, I ran almost all of it at 11:30 pace. I'm really pleased that I went to the race and did day number 3. Excellent. I got done while it was a cool 78F. Then a stop at Starbucks before heading home.

I am happy to be me and happy to be a marathoner. I watched many Southwest airplanes land and take off since the race was right nest to Love Field. I decided I prefer to be running than couped up in an airplane. I'm 60 years old and I can run multi-day marathons about as good as I could 5 years ago when I first started doing it.

Hummm.... now I need to think about what is next!

A Miracle

This trip to Dallas must be in alignment with my inner being. My usual mental hurdles are just not there. Like, making it to Dallas at.all given the 8 hour drive after a 6.5 hour shift which began at 4:30 am. Why did I NOT just get lazy as I usually do and blow it off?

Then, after yesterday's marathon, my right ACL tightened up a lot. It was difficult to walk and I was sure that getting up in the morning, I'd be hobbling. But it was only mildly noticeable. So I went to the race anyway. Today's marathon seemed easier than yesterday's. Maybe due to cloud cover, but it was still hot/humid, and two guys went down with heat related illness. I don't know, but I got my second marathon in 2 days done.

However, after finishing, I looked down at my left foot. I could see a little pink color on the sock. This concerned me that blood was seeping out of the toe wrapping. But when I took the sock off, I couldn't see any bleeding. So, I don't know where the blood came from. The blister on the bottom of my foot did get a little worse, but not that bad. My left knee is not sore at all!

Within 2 hours of finishing this marathon, I knew I wanted to go do my half marathon tomorrow to make it  a Texas triple. I want to do it. That's weird. Usually, I'd be finding an excuse not to go do a half marathon. But I feel myself wanting to.

During the race today, I found myself very conscious of the thoughts in my head and remembering that I get to choose the thoughts I am thinking and then ask myself what thoughts I wanted to think. What thoughts feel good? What thoughts would help me finish this marathon? This marathon. Not tomorrow's or some other thing that happened in the past or future. I stopped telling myself the various stories about my history which usually occupy my mind.

I saw a baby turtle.

Watched a hundred Southwest Airlines planes land and take off (the race is right next to Love Field).

Drink your fluids.

So, I need my body to heal up enough to tolerate a half marathon tomorrow morning. and, I need to not flinch or beg off. Not make excuses for my sorry self. I am ready to move forward.

What am I like as a person? I run marathons for no particular reason. I don't step on bugs.

Finally a marathon

It has been months since I did a long race, with so many failures. I signed up but did not start 3 races, usually due to cold or freezing rain.

Getting to the start of this race caused me some worry. Yesterday, I worked a 4:30 am to 11 shift at Starbucks, then jumped in the car and drove 8 hours to Dallas. I was worried about drowsiness in the car. But I was only drowsy for a brief few minutes during a rain storm just before getting to Wichita.
The drive went well. After getting to my hotel room, I fell into bed and was promptly asleep.

I woke up before my alarm this morning and easily got to the race site by 5:15. The race started at 6. The first couple of hours were pretty nice as far as not being that hot and there was a stiff breeze. I ran the first 11 miles at 11:30 pace and then switched to a 3x2 pattern ( 3 minutes jog, 2 minutes walk). The last 6 miles were undertaken in hot conditions. My feet had begun to hurt and a blister was on the ball of one foot. I walked much of the last 2 miles as it was so hot. But, I finished the whole thing in 5:49. I was glad to break 6 hours considering I walked alot.

I forgot how much marathons hurt.

Tomorrow, I plan to try another marathon. I'll have to go slow. One of my knees hurts.

But still, I feel very good about being here and doing marathons. There isn't a logical "why" explanation for running any marathon let alone two in two days. But I am jazzed about it and have prepared for tomorrow.

Here is a short video taken right after finishing.

It was also exciting to be in Texas. I almost felt like a Texan coming home. Weird!

Opinion - Everest

I don't think I'd have much of a spiritual experience if this is what my trip up Everest looked like:

Jesus, I can't stand trail races that have conga lines. Imagine paying all that money only to find hundreds of other people in line ahead of you. WTF?

What its like now.

I have been a spiritual seeker for many years. I have studied the works of many spiritual adepts. I mean, over 30 years worth of study.

I have gone once before through a period where I wasn't teachable. I couldn't go to church because every pastor seemed un-meaningful to me. I wasn't inspired. What they were saying was fake, not a deep enough truth. All I could grasp for years was A Course in Miracles and the works of Paul Brunton.

I ran many many miles. Why was doing 22 marathons a year so important?

Then, I started working on my own spiritual writing project. It was conceived as an app for addicts. I continue to slowly type what I have already written. My own writing inspires me. I don't know where this work will end up, but it continues.

Along the way in the past three years, I met the works of Abraham Hicks. This information helped me to improve my connection with my inner being. This information helped me get out of my corporate job and into a semi-retired life.

In semi-retirement, Starbucks has somehow captured me. I can't explain what is almost addictive about working at Starbucks. I look forward each week to another set of shifts, yet each shift is difficult to get through. Working at Starbucks is not easy. We rush almost continuously. Driving home, I feel good. I have a load of endorphins from six hours on my feet.

Along side my app for addicts, I got the brilliant idea to write a novel. Because I am writing a novel, I need to learn how to be a writer. Because I need to learn how to be  writer, I have been reading books on that topic. This morning, I was reading such a memoir from an author which was dull. So dull a tedious, I couldn't do more than skim it. I wasn't at all gripped by the story of her life.

I teetered on the edge of giving up my own writing. What would make my novel gripping so others enjoy reading it?

I'm not at the place which Abraham Hicks describes as "alignment" or "in the vortex." Further, I can't seem to get there from here.

So I stopped to meditate. I prayed for an intuitive thought, inspiration or decision. I took stock of my life now. I love running and being in the forested parks available to me here where I live. I love my sober life and AA fellowship. I am captivated by Starbucks. I have two writing projects for which self motivation is needed. I still want to know my higher self more and more.

And so I decided. Pull yourself together and go on from here. I'm again in the place of "unteachable." Which means total trust in whatever intuitive thoughts I receive. I will walk forward each day. I want to succeed at being a writer, no matter how long that takes. I want to be sober for life and go to the Big Meeting sober. (This thought brings me to tears it is so meaningful to me). And, I will continue to seek and listen to my Higher Self. That pursuit will never end.

And so?

I am no longer trying to find something out there, from some other spiritual author. I am finding it within.

Get the clothes out of the dryer. Go to the grocery store. Got to an AA meeting. Go running. Meditate again.

Why FIRE? – An Engineer’s Existential Angst

FIRE, financial independence retire early, is a thing nowadays. Technical professionals saving money and then quitting their corporate jobs in order to be free in life. Many of these people seek a more creative or energizing way to spend their time.

My proposal is that many smart people become engineers and believe in a creative and exciting and lucrative career. But they find, once they have worked for a few years in a famous corporation, that their job becomes somewhat boring, possibly meaningless. Some engineers, find that their engineering is actually inflicting moral harm on their existence. Many engineers feel, consciously or unconsciously, an existential angst created by their disillusionment over actual engineering careers versus the idealism generate by their professors in school.

An example would be that your brilliant coding is actually for the purpose of addicting and harming other human beings, and you secretly know it is wrong. But the money is good so you decide to take the money, save it and get out as soon as possible. Another example would be a chemical engineer in a manufacturing plant. After a few years, you realize you are replacing the same pump and are bored with it, or your job is focused on clicking meaningless buttons for tracking systems.

In my own case, I spent most of my career in environmental and safety engineering. The last ten years in process safety engineering. I was proud and it felt good to tell others I was a process safety engineer and my job was to keep the nasty stuff in the pipes and not in the city. Secretly, I knew that corporations were far more likely to implement a safety solution if it was also a production improvement. And that some of the safety suggestions were implemented with human interventions, training and procedures, instead of hardware changes, if fixing the problem did not have a return on capital.

Engineers become bored in a manufacturing environment because the physical surroundings change very little day to day. They do their job making sure that production goes on, but then find activities outside of work to gain meaning to their existence. Frequently, the meaning of life is associated with family, and a tension develops between the boring lucrative job and time away from the family supported by the job. The irritation changes the person who can’t stand the irritation. Either they go dead in order to tolerate the irritation, or plan a way out. The FIRE people are finding a way out.

Are FIRE professionals just selfish assholes who game a system and get out? Or are they the really sensitive types who want to find a better way? A little of both, with the over whelming drive to find something more for their lives.

More On Inner Freedom

I continue to be astonished by the incredible prose of Viktor Frankl in his book "Man's Search for Meaning". It is his reflections on life in a Nazi concentration camp during world war II.

Here are some more excerpts on inner freedom, or spiritual freedom.

This one from Page 62 is a comment after Frankl describes those men who comforted others and made sacrifices for them in the concentration camps. He is pointing out that a man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in the most terrible conditions.: "...they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms--to choose one's own attitude in any given set of circumstances..."

Think about that the next time you want to cheat on something, or live at a lower level of human dignity than you are capable, especially if you are a pampered American.

No one can take your spiritual freedom from you. But you can give it up, and many people do.

Frankl also points out that while some men rose in integrity in the concentration camps, others, most, gave up their humanity and became animals. "...man's inner strength may raise him above his outward fate..." (page 64).

Then he makes the point about outward great versus inward great. If you are living whatever life you have with courage and dignity, then your life is worth while. "...a few were given the chance to attain human greatness even through their apparent worldly circumstances...One could make a victory of [bad] circumstances, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate..." (page 68).

"We have stated that that which was ultimately responsible for the state of the prisoner's inner self was not so much the enumerated psychological causes as it was the result of a free decision" (page 65). This reminds me of a few critical decision points in my own life. To get drunk or get sober. To kill yourself or figure out how to get mentally well. To give up or try again.

A meaningful life is only a meaningful life if it means something to me. The goal is not money or status, it is how well did I live today according to my insides. On the inside, did I have spiritual freedom, human dignity, access to inner strength. What choice did I make? Did I wallow in self pity, and lay about as a vegetable or did I take up my cross and do the best I could?

Well, this blog is not so well organized. I am too excited at Frankl's writing.

Suffering

From Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" page 42:

"The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of trick learned while mastering the art of living. Yet it is possible to practice the art of living even in a concentration camp, although suffering is omnipresent. To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative."


I find this explanation completely astonishing. Like, wow! It is only recently that I began to find joyful thoughts before I went out in the world. And it was this morning that I decided I could feel my life full of love, even there is no husband/lover to focus on. I could still just tap into an existential love; hence I no longer needed to be pissed off because I don't have a lover. Then, this evening, I read this little bit from Dr. Frankl and feel completely filled with the rightness of my current approach to life.

But, I still eat my broccoli.

FIRE Update

Here is my success video:

(watch it on YouTube to get a bigger picture)

I am very happy with myself today because I had a break through in the writing world. I've been a little stuck since the publishing workshop last weekend with a literary agent. I almost quit because I didn't really have the plot for my novel nailed down. So, why would anyone else want to read it? I had almost decided that I would just proceed with my app writing project because it pleases me and has no goals.

I didn't have much goal for any of my writing when I retired, just maybe a few thousand dollars a year. But working at Starbucks is definitely the easier path of least resistance if my only goal is a few thousand dollars. But if the plan is also to produce something creative, then writing should stay on the table. And writing feels like something I am called to do, like my life needs to get a story onto paper in order for my life to be complete.

So unexpectedly, I had a writing victory this morning. I was sitting at my table looking at someone else's book when I spied a piece of paper which I had printed, a mini-part of my novel plan. I thought it was about one topic, but when I read it, it was about the plot for my novel. And I was surprised.
This one page, written a few days ago, very clearly described what the book was about and what was to be gripping for readers. After reading it, I realized how easy it would be to tie each scene to one of the gripping subplots. Easy peasy. Just get to work. I did. I wrote two scenes directly onto the computer.

So life goes on. I am very stable. Some mornings I work at Starbucks. Other mornings I work on writing. Frequently, I do both. In the afternoon, I am most often found in a park, running.

Such a great life. I am living for free. My assets are the same as when I quit my job.

Spiritual Economy

You are used to material dollars and cents, and the continuous worry about having enough. Now consider spiritual wealth and the spirit economy. Tap into a new type of wealth and abundance. The only requirement is belief, which you might not have to begin with. You need only have enough belief to try, and then you will find inner abundance. If you have inner abundance, you won't care how much outer abundance you have. You will be free.

What stops you from spiritual abundance is negative beliefs about yourself: self loathing and self denigration. Go under these habitual negative thoughts and find the real essence of your being. Everybody has unconditional life itself. Feel life for a moment. Life will show you into the spirit economy.

Currently, people make it big in the dollars and cents world if they can find an idea which causes others to have a dopamine reward, and then they go to work selling that idea. Today's people love dopamine more than people 50 years ago. Maybe our society has developed and leveraged dopamine. Today's human brain wants dopamine more than ever and has access to more dopamine rewards than 50 years ago.

Take a look at a graph showing opioid overdose deaths by year, or opioid addiction rates by year and realize: dopamine addiction rates mirror that graph only a quantum leap higher. Everybody in the world is dopamine addicted. Everybody in the world wants to participate in the dopamine economy: getting more and more brain hits. Dopamine feels good.

Is there any way to feel good aside from dopamine?

Yes, in the spiritual economy. Feeling good because you touched the source of life itself which lives inside. Tap into a source which is not in the material dimension of reality. You've heard about meditation? You heard Jesus say to leave this world? Is your church a dopamine producing gaggle fuck with no real meaning?

At some point in your life, you will want to have truth. You will want to know what it all means. You will have to look within. The mother lode is within. True feeling good is sourced from within. You will have to be quiet and look inside.

On another note, ultra monk runs! (sorry about the wobbly video)

Wanting to Live

A strange new thought occurred to me today. A thought which I believe was the result of spiritual work.

I was on my 30 minute meal break at Starbucks. I was walking to my car to sit and eat. This thought passed through my mind, "I want to relish every minute that I am at Starbucks, not wish that it was over soon." Wow, it was a thought easily expanded to my whole attitude and outlook on life and how my view seems to have transformed.

See, for most of my life, I wondered why was I alive. I mean, what good am I? Why would God make me? Sure, I'm a pretty good person, but there isn't anything "great" about me. I am above average smart yes. I'm in extreme good health, unlike most 60 year olds. I did my career. I've been sober for 33 years. But, I really had no purpose for being alive.

And I spent most of my career wishing it was over. I saved money for the purpose of getting away from my career as soon as possible. And well, I guess I've wanted life to be over as soon as possible too. Everything I ever did with my life was a chore and I wanted it to be over, so I could rest.

So today, when I actually felt how much I could be aware and awake and liking working at Starbucks, I....   woke up!

Wait, I want to be alive for every second of my life from now on. I don't need a purpose. I just want to experience my life. I don't want to just go through the motions, hoping it would be over soon.

I have suddenly dropped the rock of having to have a purpose for my life, or even doing anything good while I am here. I just want to be alive in my own life, to see it, to be awake in it. Not just hope life will quit bothering me soon.

And so I am free.