Vacation Wednesday - Two Hands

I have been reading a book called “The Doctrine of Awakening” by Julius Evola. I was reading it instead of meditating on the ACIM Text, because its theories seemed compatible to ACIM and perhaps helpful in understanding. This morning, I read a chapter on mental discipline. As I read it, I was dreaming of writing an essay on how an alcoholic could stay away from the first drink and how any craving for chocolate or potato chips could be overcome.

Somehow, this mental thought train was brought to a halt. I thought, I need to question my motives. I said, “Jesus, I need to question my motives. You offer awakening through ACIM. I admit my normal consciousness disgusts me. I hate myself so I want to awaken. Jesus, can awakening be found on such a premise? It is my ego that hates and my ego that seeks enlightenment.”

I laid aside the Evola book and glanced at the ACIM Text: “You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.”

And also: “…without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more… Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid… For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.”

Do I read Doctrine of Awakening as an unconscious distraction because I am afraid of Redemption, remembering the love of God? Finding the burning love of God is not in the Doctrine. It is in ACIM. I had a revelation at this point. On the one hand, I seek to escape self disgust. On the other, I seek the elevated disposition I see in the enlightened ones. Both of these hands are ego and neither will work to achieve a genuine state of being. The Doctrine of Awakening seeks a state of being “not an I.” ACIM seeks the memory of God, which includes “not an I.” But the state of “not an I” is different. The Doctrine has self discipline and an individually existent inner power which achieves the state of “not an I.” The Doctrine is not spiritually associated. The inner power is intangible (not of this world) but it is individually associated. Not everyone has it. ACIM includes mental discipline. ACIM seeks the memory of God through the leading of the Holy Spirit, a universally available Helper. The ACIM state of “not an I” means that the separation is healed, the Son of God is unified. We, as one Son of God, have leapt into Heaven and are awake in the Love of God. ACIM is equally for everyone, but maybe not everyone chooses it at the same time.

I have to make a decision, a stand. Is my intention to remember God or not? If so, the Doctrine of Awakening is a waste of time for me. I want to follow a spiritual path to remember God. I want to uncover my “intense and burning love for God and His for me.” This is a fundamental decision. It excludes me from many paths that work for others, but are not what I want. I may see another person who appears to be enlightened, but I decide not to follow them because I have decided on finding the memory of God through a particular path. My primary interest is the love of God, not enlightenment per say.

I have at this point uncovered one of my ego’s secrets. I, as an ego, pursue enlightenment for my ego. Jesus, may I pursue the altruistic motive: unification and healing of the Son of God. If I stop my ego’s motives and follow the Holy Spirit for altruistic motives, I become “not an I” but universal Self. There is no I other than ego. Either I am unified as Self (one with God), or I am an ego separate from God.

Jesus, I haven’t yet remembered or found my love for God, but I admit I am an ego. Please help me. I do obey ego thoughts which will lead me away from God. I do not have any thoughts which lead to God, except as I hear the Voice of God calling and I decide to read a spiritual text. Jesus, please help me.