Thursday, December 25, 2008

Pure Running

This morning I got up at 7. That is the second alarm clock free morning in a row. I must really have needed sleep. During my meditation, I heard a diesel engine out front. I knew it was the fire department, though they had drove up sans-siren. I went to the front room to look out. engine and ambulance. They went in the house next door. Al lives there. Al lives alone, like me. They brought him out on the gurney. He was sitting up, appeared to be awake. He still had on his security guard shirt. He is in his 70s and works as a night security guard. He must have called the ambulance himself. Some day I'll probably have to do that. It is a humbling thought.

A little later I went for a 10 mile run. I got to feel the refreshing, soul cleansing wind into my face and through my psyche. I needed that.

For reasons of conscience, I don't participate in the material world ritual of Christmas. In other words, I am a conscientious objector. I feel friction between me and other people. If I was gay, I imagine, I'd feel this friction all the time. Luckily, my friction will be over quickly.

I deeply believe in honoring my inner guidance to let the worldly pretending go; but it is such a counter-cultural practice, I don't find it easy. Most people encourage me to give up and join in. I've taken the going-along approach also; but find myself worse off emotionally than if I stay my chosen spiritual course.

I am a work in progress; but my goal is detached love. If I keep learning and following my inner guidance, I will eventually arrive at the Christ consciousness and Christ vision. I believe this strongly enough that I keep to contemplative practice even when it is unpopular; even when I feel my own shortcomings in carrying out God's benign constant love. I care a lot about loving others, but not in the usual ways; that is by participating in the physical world ritual dance.

I have to work tomorrow. I'll have to suck it up; and pretend once again.

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