Today’s lesson: “Only my condemnation injures me. Only my own forgiveness sets me free.”
I got up at 5, not knowing what I will do today. I struggled with decisions: should I go to Leavenworth now and the 8 am fellowship in Kansas City? Should I go to Leavenworth at 5 pm and go to my friend’s sobriety anniversary at 8 pm in Kansas City? I don't really feel like going to Kansas City. Should I run today; if so where, how long? While all these decisions were raging in my head, I was studying ACIM. It dawned on me that I was trying to make a decision by myself instead of asking Jesus for help.
So I calmed down. Realized that my ego was yelling at me. I denied it and sunk into peace. I returned my mind to peace. I was able to realize that my ego was accusing me of being guilty no matter what I chose. If I don’t go to my friend’s anniversary, I’m guilty (my fear projection: won’t my friend be disappointed in me). If I do go, I tried to appease the ego god. If I don’t go to the 8 am fellowship, I’m guilty (my fear projection: my friends will be disappointed in me). If I do go to the meeting; I tried to please the people and appease the ego god. If I stay alone running and contemplating, I’m guilty because I “should” do something with others for my life to be valid. I was in an ego fear trap. I was trying to decide between illusions, not deciding with the Holy Spirit. Course students reading this will realize I need to bring my guilt and fear to Jesus and accept the Atonement for myself. Fear is lack of love and is not real.
I decided I wanted peace and peace is now. I returned to the peace in the now. The wide open spaces and wind in my face and sun on my back were calling me. For pure personal want, I filled the Nathan hydropak, loaded it with Gu and decided to head out for the Kansas fields. I wanted to try the 7 and 3 pattern. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to work on my metaphysics. I didn’t want to run my life on guilt. Somewhere in all of this was the idea that the Holy Spirit speaks quieter and after the ego; and what He was saying was probably the opposite of whatever I felt guilty for. I want to be an athlete. I lifted the weights. I greased the toes. I pooped a lot. Bowels wonderfully empty of all my shit (literally and figuratively), I was free to run.
Driving down to the river (2 miles), I realized ultimate forgiveness: let Them ( Father, Son and Holy Spirit) off the hook. They didn’t make the guilt, or this world, or anything. God is love and welcomes me into His embrace anytime I choose to go there. And let my self off the hook. Somewhere, long ago, I decided I was guilty and bad; and that isn’t true. I’m somehow here in the terrifying ego dream of this world. But let myself off the hook. I’m on the path out of this dream.
I set off north using the 7 and 3 running/walking pattern. Aren’t I supposed to be tapering for next week? Yes, well, I didn’t plan on running 3 hours or jog/walking for 6, like I normally do. So that is tapering in my reality. I had an uneventful and pleasant 3 hours. I saw two deer, prairie hens, red-winged black birds, vultures and many squished frogs. At one point, a large yellow and black monarch accompanied me for a few feet. Running, I was escorted by royalty, The King Himself. I wanted to find which road cut west over to another road but I ended up on a dying road that stopped in a cow pasture. I peed, saw it had taken 90 minutes to get to this beautiful dead end, turned around and headed back.
At around this time, I finally got to the beauty of a question: what is beyond the yammering of my ego? I’ve spent a lifetime listening to my ego’s demands. I want to stop. I want to look beyond it. That is true forgiveness of my self because looking beyond the ego, I see the thought of love in the Mind of God, which is my true identity. At that moment, I realized that beyond the ego is silence. I was back to my place of peace.
Another hour went by. I found that my mind had turned itself over to the lesson for the day and I was running along with the chant: only my condemnation injures me. Last night, I had taken my inventory and made a list of the people and institutions I condemned, judged that is. I accepted responsibility for my projection of my dream. I took it back. As I ran along chanting my lesson, I was forgiving, looking beyond, all the people on my list. I gave them new life by looking beyond their body to the truth of Christ hidden within, beyond. Forgiveness is looking beyond using Christ vision. I was renouncing my guilty condemning thoughts and claiming Christ vision as my modus operandi.
I got back with my legs in really good shape. I’m still undecided about whether the Maryville marathon will be a race or a training run. Now that I am into ultrarunning and reaping the physical benefits of low impact pacing, I’m a little reluctant to go through the beating of running 26 miles.
On the way home, I went by the local cowboy hardware store, thinking they might have some bag balm. I want to start using it on my feet. They did have authentic bag balm; but I bought another udder product that had stuff in it like A, E and D, instead of the oxide chemicals in the original bag balm. But then, I blew it. Next to the bag balm was some DMSO. Suddenly my brain went ka-chunk. My mind went crazy saying, “get it, get it; its not just for horses. It will be better for your knee than NSAIDs.” A ten year supply of DMSO cost less than a bottle of ibuprophen, so what the heck, I got it. I have it on now. My knee didn’t evaporate or bubble up in chemical flames.
No big deals! 125 days to Heartland Prairie 50 mile race. I weighed 130 after my run. I’m showered and fed. Time for a nap. Jesus can handle the rest of my day. I don’t know what I will do. I may have got my wonderful time outside, but I still don’t know what to do about my friend’s anniversary or when I will go to Leavenworth for groceries.