Purpose

My life does not have a purpose.

"Spirit Flower," you say, "How can you say that? Jesus tells you what your purpose is in ACIM. AA tells you what your primary purpose is. When you were in the church, it told you what your purpose is."

But, these purposes come from the outside. I have not yet touched the place inside which will make it clear.

I sit quietly and pray, "God....(long deep breaths)....I offer myself to you....(long deep breaths)....may I at last utterly abandon myself to You...." I spend hours at this. I don't sit properly like a Buddhist or Hindu; my chakra's are not straight. The important point is that I seek inner silence.

I allow my life to be seemingly purposeless. Having a purpose in societal programming. Leaving a legacy is arrogance; yet we are programmed to leave a legacy. I allow myself to feel useless and not pursue usefulness. When I go to work in the morning, it is just to earn money. It is not a ministry and I am not trying to save the planet.

I am not that different than many people; except for I don't cover over this impoverished state of affairs. I don't watch TV and ignore it. I don't go to dinner and pretend like everything is ok. I don't get drunk, take drugs or have sex. I don't go shopping and forget my poverty by covering my body with scraps of attractive clothing. I don't have a religious profession or monastic family so I can cover my poverty with service to the church. I don't get called in to save anyone's life and prove my worth. I sit alone in my house and face the fact: my life doesn't mean anything. I am poor. I have nothing to show for myself. I'll die and no one will care.

I intentionally sought this poverty. I did this to myself. I consciously rejected everything that other people thought was good.

What freedom and joy I find in this poverty.