Sunday, September 7, 2008

Lost My Leg

Last night, even after I posted my blogs and shut off the computer, I thought, "I am arrogant to the core and hatefully so."

This morning, when I sat down at my table, I thought, "Peace." Even as I sat in an AA meeting this morning, I thought, "I don't feel hateful right now."

So, I accept a reprieve from hatred. My emotional condition seems to me rather like a missing leg. The condition won't ever change, but I don't have to let it be the only thing in my life. Yes, it impacts everything, but it is not everything. I don't feel so bad. Now, I can laugh when my ego accuses me of being a spiritual failure because I still feel hate. Hate belongs to the ego. I can laugh. It just means I'm missing a leg. This perception shift in my view of my hatred must be a miracle.

I've lived with alcoholism all my life, but never desired to drink after that last one (23 years ago). Actually, I quit drinking on hatred. Yes, the morning after my last drink, I thought, "If you keep drinking, you will end up like your mother;" and I hated her. I quit on the spot and it was several months before I broke down emotionally, went to a shrink, and was advised to go to AA because I was an alcoholic. I am either a hateful drunk or hatefully sober. My hate is my handicap. But, sober, I can work with it. Sober and spiritual, my hate is not a weapon (except perhaps against myself).

AA is not about not drinking. It is about having a spiritual experience. I discovered religion before I discovered spirituality in AA. Having learned of the 12 Step techniques, I have expanded. I am actually quite happy with today's consideration of what hate is to me. It loses its power if I realize it is no different than missing legs and I can work around it.

  • The Holy Spirit teaches one lesson...all power is yours.
  • God has lit your mind Himself, and keeps your mind lit by His light because His light is what your mind is.
What is meant by this power is the power of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is of God. I am of God. Hatred has no power over me.

I ran 74 miles this week.

1 comment:

Spirit Flower said...

Dear Peaceful Seeker, Thank you so much for your letter. I really enjoyed your story and am glad that I helped you in some way.You referenced the hermitage website. Perhaps you have seen Spirit Flower there too!

Write any time. May the Great Spirit be firm in your heart.

Spirit Flower