Why do I call Myself Spirit?

I made the choice that God is love and so am I.

From the Course in Miracles text 31.IV.1: "You see the flesh or recognize the spirit. There is no compromise between the two. If one is real the other must be false, for what is real denies its opposite. There is no choice in vision but this one. What you decide in this determines all you see and think is real and hold as true. On this one choice does all your world depend, for here have you established what you are, as flesh or spirit in your own belief. If you choose flesh, you never will escape the body as your own reality, for you have chosen that you want it so. But choose the spirit, and all Heaven bends to touch your eyes and bless your holy sight, that you may see the world of flesh no more except to heal and comfort and to bless."

So I let go of the world by saying: "I do not know the thing I am, and therefore do not know what I am doing, where I am, or how to look upon the world or on myself."

God Reliance

Success in A Course in Miracles depends on a growing belief in God and reliance on God.

I first learned about surrendering my life to God in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It really is God dependence which keeps the alcoholic from drinking; because the brain of the alcoholic is programmed to drink. It is impossible for an alcoholic to behave otherwise. Will power is completely irrelevant in the face of brain programming.

I think that brain programming is all any of us has. We can't correct certain habits because our biology won't let us, and the world around us doesn't support any changes (ie over eating).

I don't appear to be an over eater. That is just cuz I work out 2 hours a day. I've tracked calories for years and eaten according to the numbers. I actually have no idea how to eat according to my body's needs and not according to my brain's desires.

I really would like to learn to eat just what I need. That is a very difficult idea because my brain is programmed to eat as much as possible of the food that is sitting all around me. I don't think I can change without the help of a Higher Power; and this brings me back to A Course in Miracles and my need to go deeper and deeper into a God consciousness.

My lesson for the day:
I give my life to God to guide today.
I will step back and merely follow You.
It has been given me to change what I believe.

Think about those statements and listen to all the little thoughts that come up. No, almost no one actually really truly believes in God.

Ultra Again

It is only a 50k, but I am signed up. Yesterday, I clicked all the buttons: airplane, hotels, rental cars, parking, race entry.

After my 25 mile jaunt on Saturday, I walked another 8 miles on Sunday. This gave me 43 miles between Friday night and Sunday. I felt it. But it felt good. There is something that happens to the body and mind the longer you go. It is memorable, yet not exactly explainable.

My ACIM Psalm for tonight and tomorrow is certainly beautiful and cuts completely to the heart of life:
Be in my mind, my father, through the day.
I trust all things to you. Fear has ended.

You realize that as soon as you completely surrender your life and stop judging it, then you have nothing to fear. Nothing is left for you to worry about. Nothing bad will happen because you have not projected it.

I imagine myself an ultra runner; just chugging along a road with no beginning and no ending, all is pure bliss.

The Nutshell

Yesterday, I jog/walked 25 miles. It has not been since September of last year that I went that far in one day. This year, 22 miles is my farthest.

I would say there is a marked difference in how I feel after 25 miles as opposed to 20 miles. I forgot how that feels. I also look at my training log and see that last July when I was doing the time, it was on hills so not the distance. I think that an ultra runner needs to do the long distance in order to not be daunted. Yesterday, I walked the last 25 minutes. I had finished 3 x 8 mile laps but was not at 6 hours. I walked to make up the time. The purpose was to get my ultra thought pattern into play: keep going even if.....

I do feel tired today. I'm going to do a walk because there is a neighborhood route I want to measure. It involves a brand new sidewalk! I'll get home in time for A Prairie Home Companion and workout on my machines.

The Nutshell? Here is an ACIM summery I thought of this morning: First, based on Chapter 30.V and VII of the Text, the world has one constant purpose: a place where hope of happiness can be fulfilled BECAUSE Christ has been accepted and the goal of guilt let go, thus forgiveness reins and I am happy. Second, looking at WBII section 6, Christ is the Self we share, what God's Son really is: "The Thought which still abides in the Mind that is His Source."

Non-course students will have interpretations of the words forgiveness and Christ and world and purpose and happiness and guilt and God's Son and God; than is meant here. Sorry about that.

I Won!

Really. I won my personal challenge: If I do a 2 hour work out Friday evening and a 6 hour "on-your-feet-something" on Saturday, then I allowed as how I could buy airplane tickets to a 50k endurance run in Missouri.

Friday evening, I ran 10 miles, 2h10min. Saturday, I jog/walked 25.3 miles in 5h57 garmin or 6h15 elapsed (elapsed includes pit stops). So, I think I could complete a 50k all in one shot in around 7h30min. But I'm not quite sure that I should.

Today's ACIM Psalm:
God is with me. I live and move in Him.
I have no words except His name as I...
...come quietly into His presence now.

That is all I said to myself for 6 hours.

After coming home and taking a shower, I bought some new Sugoi shorts. If I can still walk tomorrow, maybe I'll plan the trip to Missouri.

Why do people believe in God? It is more complex than saying it is a function of aboriginal agenticity. We have egos that want to rise above. We are born aspirants. Is there a God to aspire to is the question. I believe there is a state of mind which is only love. It is in that state that the answer to the question is known. For now, I have a methodology which leads me out of a purely egoic existence and into an ontology of love.

God-shaped Conceptual Space

Justin L. Barrett said, "Instead, the way our minds solve problems generates a god-shaped conceptual space waiting to be filled by the details of the culture into which they are born."

So, any god with trappings related to human culture, cannot be a true perception of God.

I am a student of A Course in Miracles. Below is quoted from the Introduction to part 2 of the workbook:

Words will mean little now. We use them but as guides on which we do not now depend. For now we seek direct experience of truth alone. The lessons that remain are merely introductions to the times in which we leave the world of pain, and go to enter peace. Now we begin to reach the goal this course has set, and find the end toward which our practicing was always geared.

The intent of ACIM is that you look beyond this world and see only peace. Peace is not seen with worldly eyes; it is seen with something deeper, more in the realm of mind. Peace is not here so the only evidence is in the mind which has let go of this world and sought deeper.

I know that the lack of proof makes people into atheists. That is good. There is no god here. When I say Jesus, I don't mean what the Bible says or any church preaches.

In ACIM, I am free. I don't have to say God. I don't have to ask God for anything. There is nothing to bow down and worship. There is only the awe I have when I see Love in action. And I know peace.

I am a God-shaped conceptual space, nothing more and there is nothing I need do.

Lesson 195

I ordered this photo from Sporting Image:

I don't have the non-watermarked photo yet, but I couldn't wait to post this picture. I am tanned and ripped and look'en good. I'm 53 years old and I look like that!

This morning, I opted for the elliptical for most of my workout. So I had my day's psalm taped to the console and I memorized the thoughts. Then I could close my eyes and just recite them in my mind. After the last one, I put silence into my mind, mentally standing with Love.

Lesson 195 Psalm:
Love is the way I walk in gratitude.
My gratitude _ has room for all.
Stop comparing and my hatred is forgotten.
The Thought God holds of me is beyond idols.
I am willing once again to hear Love's Voice.

The thing about gratitude that most of us don't really get is that we should only be grateful for the universal Love of God; which applies equally to all. God Himself doesn't send special blessings to anyone.

Line 3 about "stop comparing" has let me off the hook. Since I got kicked out of a religious order (essentially because I was too good for them), I've still wondered and tried to compare holiness. Am I holy if I am not a professed religious? Does Jesus love me as much since I have no credentials and I don't live in a convent or wear holy garb and have to drive a car to a job every day?

It is soooo difficult for my ego to not have the trappings of specialness provided by religious life. But spiritual progress requires finding God as "one of" not special.

Lesson 194

Everyday lately, I've been making these powerful, wonderful, inspiring little "psalms" out of both the ACIM text and the workbook. But I don't have time to post them everyday (sorry Barb :)   ).

Well, here is today. I just spent my evening workout soaring on its wings:

I place the future in the Hands of God.
For thus I call the memory of Him.
And He becomes the thought that rules my mind. 


For this to be any good, I need to have been open to the idea of God and want that idea more than my own ideas. It is so simple and easy, it is hard to see; but as soon as I think, "I place my future in His Hands," I remember Him.

Memory can be used to remember this illusion called the world, or to remember God. We get to choose. Choice made, then I practice the thoughts which bring me the reality I want.

Win A Trip to Missouri!

Ok, so I want to go to Springfield Missouri to run a 50k race: The Frisco 50 on April 28. But since this involves airplane tickets, rental car and hotel costs, I need to make sure my body can handle a walk jog effort of 7+hours. So here is my challenge, given that Saturday's weather is supposed to be good.

Friday night, complete 2 hours of some type of activity (combo of my ex-machines or laps in Brummerhop park). This is not to unusual for me anyway.

Saturday, complete 6 hours of something, preferably walking and jogging in Meador Park. I'll wear my Garmin, but the miles are not important. Its only important to see if I keep going, then I know I have the blessing of a strong inner desire.

If I have the mental fortitude to complete Saturday, and my legs are in decent shape, I win. I'll immediately go to Southwest Airlines and book a flight, then go to Active.com and sign up for the race. and, additional reservations and notifications as needed.

Seabrook Race Weekend

I signed up for Seabrook Race Weekend Pelican Challenge waaaay back in September, before I even moved to Texas. And then, I had the fiasco with my knee (ACL strain). In January, I had no idea whether I'd be able to run this race or not. In addition, I've had a growing annoyance with pain in my left heel. It sometimes acts like plantar fascitis and sometimes in the totally wrong location for PF. So, I've been cutting back on weekday mileage as it was on concrete, as hard a surface as man has invented.

In mid-February, after visiting doctors and having an MRI, the verdict on the knee was ACL strain which was pretty much over with. I began to increase my weekend mileage. Then one day this banner went up along NASA Blvd. I saw it as I was driving to the park for a weekend long run.

I felt tears well up as I knew that I could do this race.

Packet pickup happens. I got swag:

Here is a picture of some birds which is in Meador Park.

Saturday's Thoughts:
The peace of God is shining in me now.
Seek not outside yourself as idols fail.

And off I went to my days half marathon. Well, the persistent ultra runner in me wanted to do more than 13.1 miles; so the day included walking both before and after. Saturday's half marathon was a huge morale booster for me. As annoying as my leg issues are, I bet half the people in the race have worse ones. I love these Texas races where there are so many walkers and others shuffling along with some sort of half limp. And mixed in with very fast people.

I just kept to a steady pace and finished in 2h35.

Saturday evening, I always listen to A Prairie Home Companion and work out while I listen. This Saturday was no exception. I rode the ex-bike, lifted weights, did core and rode the elliptical. That persistent ultra mentality thinks I need to keep going so when 12 hour race day comes along, I'm able to keep going for the required period of time.


Sunday's thoughts:
I feel the love of God within me now.
The world of love has been revealed to me.
Come unto God with wholly empty hands.

These are powerful thoughts. Plenty of food for hours of walking and jogging.

Day 2, Sunday:

I wake up before the alarm and get up too. I'm not feeling any worse for the wear of Saturday.

On Sunday, marathon walkers start at 5:30, marathon runners at 7:15 and half marathon at 7:30. This is pretty cool. Once again, all shapes and sizes are on course and I see many people from yesterday. We know each other as brothers and sisters. Knowing looks are exchanged and some nodded acknowledgments.

the imaginary inner ultra runner is once again affecting my behavior as I walk 2.5 miles before the race starts. During my walk, I visited one porta, one real bathroom and one bush.

And then the race starts. I begin my steady jog. Nothing too memorable to say. It is a bit hotter than yesterday. I take some extra water beyond what I am carrying in my fuel belt. I make one pit stop. I wonder why the previous occupant would leave a piece of crap on the seat. Oh well.

My name is on my bib. People shout out, "Go Laura," and "Good job Laura." I begin to wonder, who is Laura. I mean, I realize that I don't think about being Laura very often. Who is Laura? What do I stand for? Who am I? I am this idea. My life is carrying out the idea. If I had stayed in the convent, I'd not be in Texas. I'd not be carrying out the idea of long distance running.

And I do love running.

During the last couple of miles, I do start to feel tired. By that time, I've already been 14 miles. I think about how this weekend has truly been about drinking the dregs of my humanity. I know I've sucked the life out of me; and I have an abundance of life to empty.

I finish a bit slower than yesterday; but my left heel doesn't hurt as bad. I collect my medals for a second half and the two day Pelican challenge. And then I am walking to the car.

It is still before noon. Who knows if another workout will occur today.

To Smell The Roses

As I struggle with problems, it is so awesome to me that I have non-painful ways to work out. Gratitude is a wonderful thing.

The gratitude started yesterday evening. Now this morning, I am up early to go to a race: half marathon. It is day one of Seabrook race weekend. Tomorrow is another half marathon. Today's number is pinned on and I have on a new green race hat.

The gratitude allows me to balance problems with running and the bigger spiritual picture of what my life is for. I have to go deeper into all my reasons.

Last night, walking uphill on the treadmill with ankle weights, I pondered specialness. Specialness is a topic from a Course in Miracles. Maybe a member of AA would say "ego deflation at depth." In ACIM, it points out that the dream of this world is an attempt to be special to God (religious life is largely based on this); but no one can be special to God. So, the ego hated God and made the dream of this world.

My life is on a journey into less specialness. As I go in races just for fun, my ego is disgusted. My ego is ashamed. My ego is the specialness. But "I" am ok with anything. A day of smiling at people is fine with me.

I want to give up specialness. I want the peace of God. God dwells within. I need only look there and give up all else.

Body Odor

These are the musing of a struggling athlete who is also successful.

Last night, I slowly jogged around Bremmerhop park 20 times, thats about 5.3 miles. The point of the run was to get outside despite heat and humidity; and it is not really even hot and humid yet. But I have plenty of daylight. If I get in this habit now, it will be easier this summer.

Bremmerhop park is half swamp. I shared my run with a white bird who had long red legs and a long red beak.

This morning, I got up and pulled on yesterday's shorts and bra; then went downstairs for my coffee and spiritual study. It is a pretty ugly scene, not holy at all: a smelly sleepy person with a dull mind. I sit there. My thoughts are split between Jesus in A Course in Miracles and troubles with my Texas running.

I've had to concede that running on concrete is much harder than running on asphalt; hence more time on the treadmill and the attempt at afternoon running which can be on "hard" dirt. But also I don't understand, despite mileage reductions, plantar fascitis has been plaguing me. I had sort of a chronic case, ignored for years, in Missouri; but it now requires more time off from running.

On the other hand, I knew when I moved here that I would increase my cross training and reduce running. So I work out at higher calorie burn rates on the elliptical, nordic track, ex-bike, versa climber and treadmill. This does not necessarily bother me. Walking uphil on a treadmill with ankle weights seems a necessary part of training for someone who loves 12 hour ultras.

I return to the woman sitting in smelly shorts and pondering Jesus. Maybe she is holy. She is happy in her work. She is happy with her co-workers. Her athlete ethos is alive and intact. In the silence, she listens to the Greater Silence.

If I let go all is peace.

Working on hazardous chemical safety is at least as holy as doing the dishes.

This weekend is Seabrook Race weekend: two days of races. I am entered into two half marathons. I am excited about the 3 shiney medals I'll have hanging in my house by Sunday night. Here is a look at the Pelican Challenge medal for doing 2 half marathons and the two finishers medal for 2 half marathons.

So Powerful

I'm talking about Lesson 169 (below).

But first: As I was driving home this afternoon, I thought, "A person could make an entire spirituality just from the name of Jesus." And I say, entirely separate from any current religion or the Bible. Just say the name.

And then, I noticed I was feeling good, like everything was alright.

I came home and snarfed down a salad. Now I am having coffee with York Peppermint creamer. I just looked at Lesson 169, getting ready for my evening workout. After I put this chant together, I thought, "So powerful."

By grace I live. By grace I am released.
Grace is acceptance of the Love of God.
We say "God is" and then we cease to speak.

The Gifts of God

The "Gifts of God" comes up in the ACIM and it is mentioned in the lesson I'm doing today: "I am entrusted with the gifts of God."

My first thought is, "What gifts of God?" So I read the lesson again. I doesn't really say; just hints. So I resort to asking the Holy Spirit. I get a clear thought, "You don't need to know in words." This response seems like a miracle to me because if my ego understood what the gifts were, then I'd be sure that it was wrong but I'd think I knew what I had.

So I went on and put together a chant for my evening workout:

I am entrusted with the gifts of God.

Christ's hand _ _ has touched my shoulder.

He walks with me and says it isn't so.

He reminds me of the gifts I have forgotten.

The whole thing becomes believable to me because I am certain Christ's hand has touched my shoulder.

I went for my run this morning with yesterday's lesson playing in my head. Something about "Christ's power....I count on God..." seemed to put fire in me. I ran the same 16 miles I did the day before but 23 minutes faster. I am not in marathon shape; but I could do a 12 hour race because no one cares how far you go, just that you stay on your feet for 12 hours.

This evening, I rode my ex-bike for 25 minutes and the elliptical of 45 minutes. Why do an evening workout after a hard morning run?

A Moment in Christ

I love Jesus.

This single clear thought struck my mind this evening as I stood in my kitchen.

It is a daring bold moment of clarity. I'm not even going to justify which Jesus or whose Jesus. Just Jesus period.

This was after I came down from laying on my bed and pondering my latest creation from lesson 165.

Let not my mind deny the Thought of God.

Heaven is mine today but for the asking.

Now is Christ's power _ _ in my mind.

My doubts are meaningless. God is certain.

I count on God and not upon myself.

This was after a bit of lunch.
This was after visiting the tax preparer.
This was after a green smoothie.
This was after the grocery store.
This was after a 16 mile run.
This was after spiritual study.
This was after getting up on time this morning.

Lesson 164

Its the weekend: a time when I retreat into my silence and ponder.

The afternoon featured crashing thunder, thick bolts of lightning and pouring down rain. I nixed any thoughts of going outside for a run. I took a nap with ear plugs. I read a book. Finally, I had gathered some energy and became eager for a workout.

I stopped by the ACIM workbook and made myself a little ditty to chant while I worked out.

The present is the only time there is.
This day  _  _ is sacred to the world.
Letting go _ _ all things-I think I want.
The world fades easily before Christ sight.
Now are we one with Him Who is our Source.

Each line has 10 beats (thats why I put the pauses in lines 2 and 3). And when I exercise, the beats work out to foot steps and breathing in sync. so in a sense, not only my thoughts but my whole body (that is the illusion I made and called a body) is immersed in the lesson. Nothing of me is left out. Course students pondering this little chant will see that it is the Course in a nutshell. Everything needed for salvation is here.

I will continue on pondering the verses tomorrow and I run and workout.

How do I decide what race?

Here's where I'll be for my July vacation: Colorado.

The story of how I got here. See, I fancy myself an ultra runner while in fact I am not (at least at the moment). But I still dream of it. So when looking for a July race, I found a 50 mile race in Tulsa. The race starts at midnight, which gives some relief from the sun. But, I would still need to jog 6 hours in the sun to finish the 50 miles. I kept thinking about the humidity, bugs and my sweaty body. I kept thinking of the loss of a nights sleep. I just couldn't click submit.

Yesterday during my early morning jog, I realized I didn't want to go to Oklahoma. The race seemed like an enforced hell. But it really was difficult for me to realize that I was more interested in running for fun than the drudgery of an endurance test. The way this clicked for me was to realize that I have nothing to prove and no one to pat me on the head; so why was I thinking about Oklahoma? I decided to skip it.

What I really wanted is some place with nice scenery and nice weather where I can take myself for long runs without complication. I like to go for long runs. Even if I'm not training. In fact, I enjoy my long runs more if no goals are involved. Between running and cross training, I train about 20 hours a week and 50 miles a week. I like doing this. But if it becomes attached to a purpose, then I start to worry and get grumpy about it. I don't like that.

When I went to work, I pulled up a half marathon calendar. There was a half marathon in Aspen Colorado during my scheduled vacation. The air fare wasn't too bad, though the schedules weren't very convenient. But, the hotel costs in Aspen were incredible.

I looked at the half marathon schedule again. There was a race in Copper Mountain. Where is Copper Mountain? (google maps) Oh, its just outside Denver off I70. Boy, that would be easy to get to and Southwest Airlines could get me to Denver in one hop on a big plane. This sounds good.

Now, I am looking for a hotel in Copper Mountain. The web pages are weird and there is not too much choice and again expensive. But, someone left a comment about how Silverthorne was just down the road and cheaper. Bingo! I could get a normal hotel (with fridge, micro and wifi) for a reasonable price. And Silverthorne was next to Dillon reservoir with trails and bike paths. This meant that after the race, the other 4 days in Colorado could be spent doing long runs around Dillon reservoir. And Silverthorne was big enough to have a grocery store, so I am all set.

I told my admin that I needed encouragement to just do it, just click the buttons. She became enthusiastic and put up these signs on the door of my office.

So, after weeks of pondering about whether to go to Oklahoma in July, and asking others and starting to worry about the training, I found within a couple of hours that I had plane tickets, hotel reservations and a race entry for Colorado. When I know what I want, I go for it.

The result was extreme happiness. I was off the hook for a night in Oklahoma hell and signed up to do something I really want to do.

Lesson 140

One thing about a Course in Miracles that I face over and over is my belief in God. I face the question directly: Do I believe there is something greater than myself? Can I turn to this something greater and get help to see things differently?

See, if God is love then this world of hate and fear and pain cannot be real.

If there is an ego thought system which I grew up with and habitually live in, and a Spiritual thought system which I can learn and switch to which shows me a loving reality, then what would I choose? I want the reality which is not a pain and am will to be a student as well as surrender my ego thoughts for transformation to spiritual thoughts.

And so, I encountered lesson 140 and 151:

• Only salvation can be said to cure. Speak to us Father that we may be healed.
• All things are echoes of the Voice for God. In everything I see the face of Christ.

"We will not be misled today by what appears to us as sick. We go beyond appearances today and reach the source of healing, from which nothing is exempt. ...So do we lay aside our amulets, our charms and medicines, our chants and bits of magic in whatever form they take. We will be still and listen for the Voice of healing, Which will cure all ills as one, restoring saneness to the Son of God. No voice but This can cure. Today we hear a single Voice Which speaks to us of truth, where all illusions end, and peace returns to the eternal, quiet home of God.....We practice wordlessly today, except at the beginning of the time we spend with God. We introduce these times with but a single, slow repeating of the thought with which the day begins. And then we watch our thoughts, appealing silently to Him Who sees the elements of truth in them. Let Him evaluate each thought that comes to mind, remove the elements of dreams, and give them back again as clear ideas that do not contradict the Will of God...."

God's Will is love. I want to see with the eyes of love. If I talk to another person, they will say they do not hate anyone. But that is not true. If you are ever annoyed in any small way, realize that is the tip of an iceberg of hate/anger/fear which you have hidden from your awareness. You do not have to keep it. You can let Spirituality dissolve it. Peace can be your reality.

Them

I am back in the long distance running business. My knee trauma is over and whatever else is wrong with the knee is going to stay that way for life. This weekend is my first attempt at a higher mileage and time weekend for awhile.

I have 3 days off. I started last night with 2.5 hours on the ex-machines. Today I jog/walked for nearly 5 hours. We'll see what this weekend's personal multi-day adds up to on Sunday evening.

My mind was pretty consistently on my ACIM lesson/phrase for today:

Sickness is a defense against the truth.

I am not a body therefore I can not be sick.

They have blessed me with Their innocence and peace.

I will let my mind be wholly healed today.

Who is They? Or Them? They are "the face of Christ" and "the memory of God." When They come, and I give up all else, then I see things differently. The dream of this world is a happy dream in peace.

For some, ultra running still has racing goals. For me, the races help me to keep going longer than I will by myself. Today's 5 hours was more about mental training than physical training. Wrapping the mind around longer and longer times, leaving limits and levels of understanding.

Lesson 135

I need to hear what is given me for my comfort. Today's lesson was balm for my agitated psyche. Notice 2 things. First, I need to believe there is a benevolent higher power who does not harm us but only sends good. Second, I need to rely on this higher power and not myself. Taking my ego out of the picture, my life becomes happy and I see things differently.

"If I defend myself I am attacked. This is my Eastertime and I would keep it holy."

"A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own. It waits until it has been taught what should be done, and then proceeds to do it. It does not depend upon itself for anything except its adequacy to fulfil the plans assigned to it. ....  Your present trust in Him is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality.....  Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. For you can not conceive of all the happiness that comes to you without your planning. Learn today. And all the world will take this giant stride, and celebrate your Easter-time with you. Throughout the day, as foolish little things appear to raise defensiveness in you and tempt you to engage in weaving plans, remind yourself this is a special day for learning, ..."