Who Cares?

Really, this is just a blog. This blog is the musings of a crazy woman!

In my sobriety, fasting, silence and celibacy, I renounce the primary inclinations of life. Renunciation is for the purpose of focusing on God, being devoted to God instead of all other choices. I recognize that there are no other gods or comforters but God and the Holy Spirit. It is a "fake it til you make it" existence. I mean, I am not enlightened but I go through the motions wishing I was. This action is not a sin. Being unenlightened is nothing to be ashamed of. I have not experienced the utter bliss of joyful ecstasy; but I am not too proud to walk the path of renunciation, patiently whittling away at my ego, until IT happens. However (and this is big), I daily have moments of the Holy Spirit's thinking. From this, I know that God is in me and does get through to me. He and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are my guests.

This morning, I cried out to God, "Why am I here?" What I thought next was that I am here because I love God and He asked me to come. I am made of love and:

I

AM

JUST

BEING

LOVE

That is it nothing more. Take each word one at a time. Take the words two at a time. Take the words in the various forms of tense and extension (ie Just is also justice, am and being are the same infinitive: to be).

I

AM JUST

BEING LOVE

I AM

JUST

BEING LOVE

Saying that I came because God wanted me and I love Him, so I obeyed sounds like a totally body/material world-centric thesis. Does this agree with the ACIM premise that the separation never occurred and this world is an illusion? Yes, because I said I was made of love by God. Being made of love by God is a constant and eternal. What I or anyone perceives of my physical life may not be what I really am. Yet still I am made of love and extend the love even into perception. The root of my being, the illusion of my life, the illusion of your life; all is love.

I love Him so I obeyed Him and I came. I was made. Now, I am here being love. My renunciation strips away everything else.

From ACIM:

• ...do not be satisfied with imaginary comforters, for the Comforter of God is in you.
• ...His peace surrounds you silently. God is very quiet...
• The Great Light always surrounds you and shines out from you.
• Walk in the light...God leads you.

In the Rule of Benedict, there is a chapter on silence. One translation entitles it "Cherishing Silence in the Monastery." Related to ACIM, cherishing silence is the same as cherishing God, who is silent. Here is a line from the chapter on silence, "As for vulgarity and idle gossip repeated for the sake of a laugh, such talk is forbidden at all times..." People criticize me for not joining their fun, but to me it is not fun. Never have I been sarcastic or told a joke where someone else was not attacked; maybe subtly, but it is always there. What joke is not an attack on either someone's race, sexuality, gender, economic means, intelligence, physical stature, mistake, etc.

I see how such talk is a conscious act of separation between me and God. Since all people are God, any joking separates and attacks the God in them. So I try not to participate. I just watch and keep silent. I really want God more than guffaws.