Monday, October 6, 2008

Daniel Day 29

  • ...judgment is the setting of a price is to value...your return is in proportion to your judgment of worth.
  • cannot be grateful for what you do not value.
  • Valuing it little, you will not appreciate it and you will not want it.
  • ...see only truth (in that brother) beside you...
Yesterday, I went to Lauds and Mass at the Benedictine monastery up the street. I went there because a) I did not feel like to frenetic drive to the city and b) I am considering associating myself with the monastery by becoming an oblate. I spent much thought yesterday listening to my ego's reasons for becoming an oblate: how the shiny oblate medal and my picture in their newsletter will vindicate my previous failure to become a sister at a different monastery. But, the Holy Spirit has reasons too and it is these which I am discerning: commitment, love, ACIM forgiveness, and peace are the primary ones. As I am able to stop judging these religious women and love them instead, my ego is dethroned and I find myself healed also.

As I lay on my bed last night, I realized how I have never wanted anything from my heart. In my life, my ego has sought after accomplishments for its own grandiosity. All ego achievements turn out to be cheap shiny medals; which we quickly cast aside and search for something greater. I want to want oblation because I love God and I love Christ in these people. I want to value something before I die. I want to do something honestly before I die. Do I commit to life in the world as a Benedictine? (you ACIM people would appreciate the philosophical overlap)

I have recently thought my life on this planet was optional; that is, I have no family or commitments so who cares if I am alive. Yet, I see today that this clearly shows how I do not value myself or the role I must have in God's creation, or God would not have created me. Not valuing myself, I in fact have lived with the ego's consciousness which hates me. Hating myself, I hate all others as well. This is the separation which the Holy Spirit offers to heal. I can't do it myself.

Well, I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast; although, I've noticed that sometimes I don't focus on it. These next 10 days, I need to regain the Spirit of Daniel (who refused to defile himself and clung fiercely to God). I also know that I am much happier eating the way I am now. Nothing nutritional is missing and there is not too much. By going about it with spirituality, I have broken a habit. The habit is an unhappy thought pattern which causes me to eat too much and eat stuff that causes a craving for more. Even processed vegetarian foods do this. Leavened bread has sweetener in it and that makes me wonder if that even is the cause for desiring it. So, I have a decision to make. At the end of 40 days, do I commit to maintaining the eating pattern indefinitely? I know any deviation causes unhappiness. Even when I eat something that I think is a treat, it isn't as good as my ego makes it out to be. So in these days of fasting, my ego has been dethroned. I have been food sober.

I feel trepidation to ask God for a lasting strength to keep a commitment. God loves me. God is love. There should be no fear here. Yet it shows I still have to grow in the love of God. Well...the freezer is full of unleavened bread and every day I throw out a few slices of leavened bread.

Lord, have mercy on me. My life is confusing right now. The company's hourly workforce is on strike and managers are starting to train to operate the plant. So, my normal routine is out the window. Scarey also to see so many hard feelings, which will increase as the union figures out they aren't coming back on agreeable terms. My role is to be peace and forgiveness no matter what.

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