Trusting God

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and sat up in my little bed. I was thinking about how some people logically and effectively handle their lives without giving God much thought; but I am actually counting on God to help me. It is a temptation to feel stupid for believing God will help me when on the worldly level, it appears my life has had plenty of snags. It is a temptation to quit believing God has anything to do with it; there is no real evidence, just my thoughts.

I got up and did my Course in Miracles study, lifted weights and got started on my run. It was then that I was able to strongly affirm and say, "YES! I am one of the people that trusts and relies on God." I believe God is in charge of my life and I am not in control. Other people do fine without God. I must have Him.

In fact, the purpose of my life seems to be learning to let go of everything and let God freely give me what He wants. My job is to be the presence of love, joy and peace in whatever circumstances I find myself. It is not up to me to judge the circumstances as good or bad, success or failure. These measurements are worldly measurements, not divine. I need to stick to my Source.

As I was running, I was joyously raising a celebratory fist and saying, "Thank you God. I rely on you." It is a huge victory to claim God as the one I trust. I am willing to go anywhere He wants and fulfill the role He assigns.

This outlook on life is wonderful for me. It is related to my current condition. I live in a podunk town where I have no friends. I live here because of employment. Now, I have no employment. My daily life has become utterly nonsensical and detached from humanity. I talk to no one unless I drive down to the city where I do have friends. I have no career goals. I have no family. I spend my time on spirituality. Letting spirituality be real is what my life is about.

Now, about the running: On Saturday I ran 15 miles and on Sunday I ran 30. Sunday afternoon, it was obvious I had some wear and tear on the legs. Monday I had two walks of one hour each. This morning, I jogged 7 miles slow and probably will do something else this afternoon. My next race is not until 9/11, but it is a nine hour and eleven minute run. I need to maintain my fitness without injury for about 7 weeks. This week will be an easy week and I won't do any really long distance for awhile.

So much of my life has been sorted out through endless miles of long slow distance. I've been doing this since I was a teenager. I've never been a speed demon, just one of the runners. Looking at the forest and not any one tree, running is a way I cope with life and receive joy and pray. In a sense, running is my home, my temple of the Holy Spirit.