Sunday, July 19, 2009

Ontological Loser

The title of this post has nothing to do with running or racing. It has to do with how I used to feel about myself and how I feel now.

I have something in my life which I think I want. But I am having to wait to see the outcome. If it doesn't come out the way I want, my ego will pounce on me and tell me how worthless I am. In pondering my fear of this, and asking Jesus for help with it, I realized that I deeply think I am a "loser." My ego wants me to take "loser" as my identity and as my ontology. What a disaster that is. All these years I have subconsciously believed the ego whispers that I am a loser. Nothing can be done about it if you think it is just the way you are. Even when I win, I feel like a loser.

This thinking cannot be the Holy Spirit's thinking. It must be the ego's thinking. I am in A Course in Miracles to learn to think with the Holy Spirit. So I ask Jesus for a thought beyond loser. If all there is is love and all I am is spirit, I don't think "loser" would be a word or a concept. That idea would not exist. All I would think about or know would be love. You can see that "spirit" is a totally different ontology than "loser." Love is a totally different identity than "loser."

My ego has been lying to me. When I have an opinion about what I want, other than wanting to know God's Love, I am thinking with my ego. All I need to do is choose to listen to the Holy Spirit instead and the fear of losing goes away. I let it go and be spirit instead. When I am spirit, I am unlimited and I don't need to want anything in the world. As a spirit, I am primarily connected to God, if my earthly life seems to go on, it is without my investment in it. I think with the Holy Spirit and Love instead. I want to be invested in God and not what the ego wants.

I do this ego work a lot. ACIM calls it being vigilant for the ego. You see Heaven always peacefully exists right here right now. I can't see it because I think with my ego instead of the Holy Spirit. I think I am in an ego delusion instead of heaven. So, my Teacher, the Holy Spirit is waking me up. If I drop all my ego thinking, I'll know I am in Heaven.

Now, on to my favorite topic: running.

I walked or ran for 17.5 hours this week; maybe about 80 miles.

Today I decided to stage a private 50k since I got cheated out of an 8 hour endurance event last Saturday. It almost didn't happen. First, I slept in. In Kansas, when the nights cool off to less than 60F and the humidity drops, we open our windows and call it "good sleeping weather." And we all get extra sleep. Then, I was enjoying the peace and spiritual connection of my early morning prayer, so it took longer. But I finally got started at about 6:50 am.

6 hours 1 minute and 35 seconds. 30 miles in 3 laps with pit stops at the car to refill water. 4 half PB&H sandwiches, 4 Gu, 4 S-caps. 150 oz of water. Running 7 and 3's, my average pace was about 12 minutes a mile. After about 3 hours, the temperatures got hot enough that the heat rules went into effect: no cheating on the water. Sometimes in the winter, I don't drink enough so I can go longer. Not today, drink at least two big gulps every 10 minutes.

Some parts of the run were popular horse fly hang outs. The horse flies like me. As the run went on, the horse flies got bigger and bigger. After awhile, one of the knocked me over. Then I had to start fighting them for the path. Wait...that never really happened? Fooled me!

Anyway. It takes me four hours and 20 miles to start to get to a desired mental place. I can't describe it. It is post-runners high. It is beyond the hype. It is with dried salt on the skin. Complete cluelessness takes over and I would run until I dropped.

2 comments:

Mark said...

Awesome!! The horse flies ARE huge!

rob horton said...

sounds like an enjoyable 50k adventure :) did those flies bite? that would be worse than spider webs.

i hope you continue to get ground deeper and deeper in the value of you (a value that has nothing to do with performance).