This morning, I struggled out of bed and pulled on some running clothes. What shirt? I pulled out my finisher T-shirt from the 2006 Kansas City marathon. It has "Finisher" emblazoned across the back. I put it on inside out to hide the word.
Then I went to do my spiritual work. My lesson for today is: "I give my life to God to guide today." I meditated on what is supposed to be a beautiful thing: God is my Guide.
As I listened to my own thinking, I found poison ideas that I needed to give to Jesus:
a) If I turn my life over to God and I don't get what I want, I can blame God.
b) I believe bad things will happen.
c) I believe I have not been forgiven for my mistakes. I think I am doing everything wrong.
These thoughts were hidden in my unconscious but in meditation, I had access to them. I realized that trusting God should be a happy thing. But I had decided I didn't want His joy. So it is up to me to decide I do want His joy and ask Jesus for help to accept it, to have joy be my reality.
After asking Jesus for help with a new decision, I sort of unconsciously took off my shirt, turned it so the Finisher would be on the outside and went for a really fast 4 mile run. My nonchalant action of changing my shirt was evidence that I had decided to be successful in God today. I have accepted the word Finisher as the truth about what it is like to live totally reliant on God. I have decided to be a success at believing in God's gifts of love, mercy and joy; and accept them fully with gratitude for my Creator, the Author of my life.
My life is not mine. Why do I insist on judging it as bad? So human, so human.