Last evening I was so full of love, peace, gratitude. This morning, I had for Jesus a large ear full of how much I don't believe He is helping me. There was an even huger portion of how I am not good enough and nothing good will ever happen to me again. I told all this stuff to Jesus realizing they are ego thoughts and they are meaningless. The ego never happened so these thoughts never happened; but I think they happened so I talk to Jesus about them. These are thoughts which need healing; which means I need to let go of my ego and this ego world. I need to allow God's Love to return to me and believe in the divine light in me (and you); and let Jesus handle the details.
At one point, as I pondered the letting go of my ego thoughts and anger at God for not sending me what I want when I want it, I realized, I would rather die than be healed. I would rather stick to my ego and ignore/deny God's glory than open my eyes to It and be in awe of What It Is, which I am a part of and made by. Of course! My ego would die if I stopped believing it and instead believed totally in God's Love. My ego would rather have me kill myself than give it up. So I asked Jesus for a miracle, a change in my perception; a miracle of acceptance of love and of the truth about me. The ego fights Love very vociferously, pouncing on me whenever it thinks I might escape its prison. That is all that happened: I was aware of Love and my ego fought it.
It was a stormy morning here. It was still stormy at 5 so I did my meditation. At 6:15, it was still stormy and I was sleepy so I went back to bed. This idea must have been intuitive guidance because I had a meaningful dream and a loving dream. I rarely remember dreams. But this one was one of those gifts.
Then, I went for a 2 hour low impact jog. It was cloudy and cool, 72F. I said hi to Merry and a couple of others whose names I don't know. The park was very quiet. God was speaking in green trees and silence.
After my run, I thought, "How do you know that there is anything to be worried about? Why do you think that everything is not being perfectly handled better than you can?" I realized my message is to let go and let God. My message is to just follow the guidance. Trust Love.
This time of unemployment is one of intense spiritual and emotional growth; a gift. Now if I could just remember that. It is so habitual for me to think God is punishing me. There is no evidence God is punishing me. More likely I am punishing myself because I don't like myself. There is no evidence for not liking me; everyone else does. I still have more inner healing to do before I think I'll be ready to jump back into my profession.
I am love and I live in Love. I don't need any other thoughts.