Thursday, May 7, 2009


Tuesday was the first day I rode my new bicycle (instead of taking the car) when I went back to work after lunch. Picture this: tall girl on tall bike.

The living room carpet has a new scrap of carpet lying near the door. It is there so when I come in with the bike, I don’t get the carpet dirty while I shut the door, and then carry the bike to its parking place. The bike parking area is the spare bedroom. My living room contains a weight bench and a desk, that’s it. By the door is a coat rack and set of cubby holes; handling numerous running shoes, jackets, vests, hats, gloves, headlights, packs, etc. This setup and the new bike activity caused me to think more of myself as a kid.

In college I rode my bike everywhere. I studied and ran, but had no "responsibilities." I have a few more responsibilities now, but not much. Its just that I've refused to become a stuffy adult with all the respect and importance and appearance. I have no adult reason for being here.

Last year, I worked it out that my life is optional. This is true in worldly terms because I don’t really “have a life.” At the heart of my life I am seeking God; but otherwise I am doing time. In spiritual terms, my life is required for self transcendence as well as human transcendence. But I have degenerated from being an adult and am losing more and more of the trappings; like the minimalist bike instead of the protective car.

I am daring to live naked. My finances are no longer a protective layer. Sometimes I go without food just to feel the nakedness caused by missing food comforters. I have no approved of religion; and the philosophy I do practice is antagonistic to most people. So I have not the protection of religion. I don’t get flu shots. I don’t drink or take mind altering substances. It is silent in my house. I have not the protection of TV keeping me from my own mind. I don’t run with an ipod for that same reason; I seek no protection from my thoughts. I don’t wear status clothes, so no one thinks I am special and don’t have the protection afforded the special. I don’t wear makeup to gain a mask over what I really look like. I go running and live alone; exposing myself to the dangers of evil men. I don’t have a pet or a partner to keep me from my solitary thoughts. I admit I am nothing, nobody and completely vulnerable; open to anything.

All this nakedness is for one purpose. I need to work on my thinking in order to wake up to God consciousness. Here is an example: yesterday, doing some spiritual reading, I thought about how much I hate Jesus; and I told Jesus that. The Jesus I hate is the one Christianity made up. But how many people would admit they hate that picture? Devout religious dare not. Atheists think they don’t have to. But really, think about it. There are tons of reasons to hate that Jesus! Isn’t it better to admit it? In solitude and nakedness, I ponder such things.

There is "something" I call Jesus who has nothing to do with Christianity. This "person" I don't mind.

I’ve said I’m not training for any races in order to de-stress. The only thing the guys at work want to talk about (besides themselves) is racing. They know nothing about running other than racing. Bringing home a trophy is what they want to see. I lie and tell them I’m not doing any racing. So, I’m not training, but I am entered in a marathon and will also probably enter a 15 mile trail run. This morning on my 5 mile run, my achilles felt good but I still babied it, not yet trusting it. But, whenever I am feeling good, I feel the envelope starting to push, almost as if I am powerless over it. I dream of doing these races and I just move forward with plans, taking the next step. I am pathetic in a way!

This push to expand running is the same push I feel to expand consciousness of God.

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