Sunday, February 1, 2009

Fear and Faith

I laid awake in the night last night. Fear gripped me. I had made a decision to stop investing in this world and I had decided that in the morning, I would go online and sell everything. I would then notify my investment advisor that our relationship was on hold for awhile. I felt bad about this, but I need to enter a new paradigm and stop living in the old one.

The fear is on the illusion level. In my troubled night, I continually sought the Light. I kept bringing the fear to Jesus. Jesus took my fear, but mentioned the need to invest in the Holy Spirit; and also mentioned the need to consider how this situation was part of my relationship with God; since this is my only real relationship.

I was reminded of pre-monastery, pre-2000. Before entering the convent, my financial projection looked like I could have a million dollars by the age of 45. I could retire to a life of scholarship and athleticism. Then, the possibility of entering religious life became feasible. Honestly, I viewed the convent as a secure place where I could have 3 hots and a cot for life. I could leave the world and never have financial insecurity. While I was in the convent, along came 9/11 and Enron. I scoffed. I was smug. Who cares about investments? I am safe and protected here in this big old institution, for life.

I never would have left the convent because I assumed my career was destroyed and I certainly didn't want to live in the world as a poor person. But God had other plans; and I got kicked out into the world. I lived for a year as a full time cashier with 2 other part time jobs. I learned a little about how to make your way in the world without the white collar career. But then God gave my career back and I have worked at it for the past 4 1/2 years. I re-started my dream of retiring at age 55 (not as rich as at 45) but still a doable situation if I had a part time job.

Along comes the "financial crisis." All my terror gets dropped in my lap. Last night, I realized I am called to solve the fear problem at its ego root and not just find a way to avoid it (which the convent was). The Holy Spirit would ask that I deal with the situation for His purpose and not my own. My mind is part of the entire mind of mankind and God Himself. I feel happy and honorable if I address the problem in a new paradigm; rather than just be afraid and insane. I need to employ the principles of A Course in Miracles to heal my thinking. That is the point: engage spiritual help because that is the only real reality.

In my own words I say: This world is an illusion made by an ego that wanted to be separate from God. Since an ego made this world, it is a disastrous delusion of fear, guilt and attack. Since I think the illusion is real, it effects me emotionally and I become enmeshed in fear, guilt and attack. Yet the ego is my ego and the world is my ego projection. So to change the world, I have to change my thinking.

I am really a spirit, an idea of love in the mind of God. The Holy Spirit is my constant Companion and Teacher. Christ is the depth of my being where all of our essences are continuously joined in the bliss of Heaven. There is no ego in the bliss of Heaven. Hence my path to Heaven involves dropping my ego's thinking in favor of the Holy Spirit's thinking. I am with Christ and in Christ and He is in me. We (all of us) are one. Essentially I am Christ. Here is where my faith must be.

So, the financial crisis is not real; even though I am experiencing the same depth of fear that most people are. I have to bring this fear to the Holy Spirit and ask what His purpose is. I am will to carry out my function as given by God. My function has far more to do with inner peace than shifting my worldly investments around.

From ACIM: "A situation is a relationship, being the joining of thoughts...The light of truth shines from the center of the situation, and touches everyone to whom the situation's purpose calls. It calls to everyone. There is no situation that does not involve your whole relationship (the one you have with God), in every aspect and complete in every part. You can leave nothing of yourself outside it and keep the situation holy. For it shares the purpose of your whole relationship, and derives its meaning from it...There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve....If you lack faith, ask that it be restored...the goal of holiness was set for your relationship, and not by you."

So I must find holiness, find Christ, in the financial crisis and in the fear of financial insecurity. Hidden in the situation is The Light. I must transcend my ego's thinking and join with the Holy Spirit's thinking. This shift of my investment strategy is the only thing I can do. I am investing in God and not my ego. The alternative is to die miserably terrified; without having accepted my responsibility.

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