Sometimes I hesitate to blog when I don't have magnificent enlightening things to say. Today is such a day.
This morning’s spiritual training was a seeming disaster; that is, I had to work at it until I let go of my small self. For a running analogy I liken it to a nasty set of speed intervals. Each speed lap leaves you bent over wanting to collapse or throw up, yet your time was incredibly slow, the day is incredibly hot and you become hateful of your coach. Spiritually, I kept approaching the light; yet each time, I knew Its Love was slipping off my mental shield and falling lifeless at my feet. I was not feeling inspired or uplifted. I wasn’t getting any comfort or pleasing feeling. I knew that somewhere in my small self, I had decided to keep Love out today; yet knowing this, I could not let go of my decision and let Love in.
So, several times, I approached the light and tried to calm the inner screaming and let the light in. My Coach, the Holy Spirit, stood quietly and patiently waiting for me to get tired of my small self and let go. Eventually, I had this tiny thought, “If no one had ever taught me what illumination was supposed to feel like, what would I be looking for right now?” Bingo! With this thought, I quietly slipped into the now. I realized that peace was here and Love was here right now. I did not have to seek for anything, just sense the strength of peace now. I let go of my preconceived notions, which belong to the small ego mind.
God I want God! Feel my urgent cry. Christ must be my life; He is all I want. It is as simple as that.
Just because I can’t “feel” God doesn’t mean I give up on the spiritual practice. I can understand why some people just give up on spirituality. Divine Connection is always there, but I have to let go of my ideas in order to have That. Feeling good or inspired is not always what I get out of the deal.
Living non-spiritual is unhappy for me, so I keep working out, keep doing the intervals, keep hating my Coach, the Holy Spirit. Lifting weights is not that fun either, but I do it. Dieting is not that fun either, but I do it. God is not that fun, but I do it.