Theophany

A theophany is a manifestation of God. My Lenten journey through the desert reminds me of a theophany. Well, silence Itself is a theophany.

I was just walking around the crummy chemical plant where I work. It struck me that there was nothing that is not a manifestation of God.

Crap...I must be in love; with everything!

Personal statistics: I have been raw for 10 days. I got up at 2:45 this morning for prayer, then at 4 ran 6 miles in a blustery north wind, 19F. I am on my way to get my lap top out of the clinic, so I will be in communication this weekend.

Ash Wednesday - First Day of the Journey

6 am –

ACIM: “If you behold disaster and catastrophe, you tried to crucify him (the Son of God, all of us)…The world you see but shows you how much joy you have allowed yourself to see in you, and to accept as yours.”

WB lesson 107: Truth (Christ) will correct all errors in my mind.

I begin by asking Him Who journeys with me to be in my awareness. I make my pledge to let His function be fulfilled through me. Then, I let Him lead me to inner peace. Today belongs to truth (Christ)

As I pray and meditate this early morning, I realize I have thought errors, darkness to bring to the light, for truth to correct. First, I see a world of catastrophe. It is my projection of my self hate. Hating myself is a correction which only truth, and not me, can perform (a miracle). Second, I don’t allow much joy because, well, I’m not sure I have any idea what joy is. I look around and see silliness passed off as joy and I want nothing to do with it. Yet, joy is an aspect of Love. So, I can’t know Love if I don’t allow joy. Only Christ can correct this error.

Correction a) I hate myself because I think I am crap.
Correction b) Joy is stupid.

As I read on in the text and turn inward, listening to truth and offering my errors, a miracle perception change occurs: I have eyes not of the body. With them, I can see that all is pure light, infinite love, holy innocence and constant peace.

Thus, I take the first few steps on my Lenten journey. I drop 2 heavy rocks of errors and walk free deeper into the heart of Christ.

It is early morning. My computer is mad about something and I am taking it to the shop today. Tomorrow at work, I’ll be able to post further reflections.

Lent Pre-startup Review

Lent Pre-Startup Review:

What do I want?
What are my means for getting it?
Who is my Guide?
Who am I listening to?

ACIM: “Think but an instant on this; you can behold the holiness God gave His Son (all of us). And never need you think that there is something else for you to see.”

Love, not just unconditional; but outrageous. To express my love and give it meditation time, I am making a Lenten booklet. I am copying out pieces of the ACIM text as I go through my 40 day journey and illuminating the book with colorings. I may add personal notes, who knows what all.

Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras. Are you pigging out? It is wiser to consider more carefully before going into the desert, on a journey. Lent is not for penance but for celebration. I am celebrating the greater awareness of Christ Reality coming into focus for us.

In the church, today is “Mardi Gras” or “Fat Tuesday.” The church liturgical year abruptly switches from Ordinary Time to Lent. Today, people are gorging on meat and chocolates and perhaps alcohol. Tomorrow they will straighten up and begin their time of penance. They will walk the stations of the cross, thinking of how Jesus suffered and how they themselves are sinners in need of reconciliation. They will bury the “Alleluia” and not mention it again until the Easter Vigil.

My Lent is not about suffering or sin. It is about going deeper into Christ. The only death is the one of my ego’s thought system. I’ll tell you the secret now: let go of your ego and you will know God. Nothing needs to be done but relinquish every ego thought. OK, so a true and complete surrender requires a Guide. I have Jesus and the Holy Spirit; as Voice and Teacher and Guide. You can call them something else; but their function is what matters. Are you listening to Them?

I ponder my Lenten journey and ask myself: Why be reserved or reticent about Christ? Why not fling your entire self on the Holy Presence? What do you have to lose? Why go on ignoring Power? Why go on pretending you are human when you are really spirit? Let go. Enter the realm of the Spirit. Flow towards the Light. Be light.

There is only one Life and we share it. Doing anything with whole hearted love is as alive as you can get. Because Love is Life, that is what we have together. Magnificence is shared through life. My only real life is Christ. It amazes me how much Christ wants to pour out through me into a world where no one understands (too busy I guess). But there He is now, present as utter Love and completely unknown. Does my desperate and vociferous desire for Christ shock you? May it shock you out of complacency.

Personal statistics: I bought a new printer today. I'm extremely happy about that.

Lenten Feasibility Study

I share with you my prostration; 40 days of magnitude. I thought about Lent and how it is a special environment for 40 day intensification of the spiritual journey into a desert of Christ alone. If you read this blog, you know I routinely seek Christ. What more could I possibly do? I actually don’t know. A prostration is a journey and a journey is a prostration. We always stand with Christ in ineffable prayer.

I live with Christ; the keeper of my soul.
My journey is deep into the Love of Christ.
Christ’s laughter fills my heart at every waking moment;
Making Love Real; giving all to me.
Forever He whispers His love and wisdom and light;
Truly I sense Him as a beacon of hope and direction.
I am loving Christ; Visibly and Passionately and Demonstratively.
Honoring Christ with Body, Mind and Spirit;
Creation is Love’s witness.

I begin the journey with these personal statistics:
Catholic, engineer, female, solitary, spiritual athlete.
ACIM Workbook: Ash Wednesday is lesson 107 on my 2nd time through.
ACIM Text: about 20.VIII on my 4th time through.
Raw vegan commitment: Ash Wednesday is day 8.
I am 50 years and 1.5 months old.
I have 23 years and 6.5 months of sobriety.
I have been out of the convent for 5 years and 6.5 months.
I have worked at my current job for 4 years and 5 months.
I have lived in a small Kansas town for 3 years and 5 months.
I run 50 miles a week and lift weights.
First marathon of my 50th year is the Olathe Marathon on 3/28.

These statistics will not diminish, but increase during Lent. Probably no new ones will surface. There is no end of my journey, only an attempt to intensify my relationship with Christ. You, my friends, are with me in Christ. No one can escape Christ. The Love of Christ is mandatory as life is spirit and Spirit is life. I hope to know you there and join with you as we step into eternal bliss together. Audacious and bold; I cringe not at my forthright conviction. Ride the demons down. Fill your camelback and join me in the desert where Christ is. Leave behind littleness and sloth; casting it off as so much filth. You my friend are my light. I will follow you deeper into Christ.

In the desert, you cannot afford luxury. Useless trappings of status must be left behind. In the desert, you must become hard, efficient, attentive. The only thing in abundance is Love. Love is expansive, pushing out from your heart in all directions. Love is Spirit, your water, your food, your blood, your thought. In the desert, become the one thought of Christ. Trim all else. The glory of Christ is your only option for survival. Come. Your Love awaits. Beyond the beyond, He calls and guides.

How deeply would you allow yourself to love Christ? How vibrantly would you allow your heart to throb for Christ? Consider quietly. Gather your passion. Could it be that Christ is real?

May I be unreasonable about the whole thing!

Running Spirit

I arrived in the city about 8 this morning. I figured I would go to the fellowship and then run. I had a car full of running clothes. As I sat outside the fellowship, the north wind gently rocked my car. I thought I might cancel my long run because of the wind.

After the meeting, I was driving to the park. My mind itemized my clothes and my Gu and water and the wind. It struck me....how completely terrified I am of the long run. Not just this long run, but all of them. It struck me that every weekend, I fidget around worrying about weather and running locations and the like. Then, the door of my inner being opened and a light shone in my mind: I am terrified to be a human being period. It was awesome to ponder the depth and to want to explore further.

I got to the park. I didn’t know if I was doing my long run or not, but I put my water on the car and the Gu in my pockets and got started. I would run a lap and then see. The course is east-west, so its only half into the wind. You wouldn’t think it was that bad: 25F, sunny, wind at 20-30 mph.

My mind was still thinking about fear, and the totally of my life’s fear. I was exploring inward. That is the beauty of a long run on a flat dirt path that loops for 2.7 miles. There is plenty of time to think. I returned to my one single question: who is it that gets me out of bed in the morning since I am terrified of the world? I see people all around me, eating and watching TV and perhaps not getting out of bed. Here I am, not only out of bed but a marathoner doing a long run on a bitterly windy day.

I turn the corner and head into the wind for the second half of the loop. The wind, has switched from an embrace at my back to sharply probing gusts at my face. I am dressed perfectly except for my head. I have to pull the nylon up over my face. I feel the wind’s fingers trying to reach in and challenge the fear. I am a little whiney about it. I survive the first lap. I look in my car to see if the other face mask is in there. It is not, but I decide on another lap.

The second lap, the wind doesn’t seem to be bothering me. The third lap, I notice that there are 3 or 4 other runners doing the same as me, long runs. At that moment, a peace descends on me. The thought of us 3 or 4 runners patiently doing our long distance running in this little park seems utterly quiet and holy. The park is sandwiched between the Missouri River and a RR track and a busy road. The busy people in the cars are quickly scurrying to their next event. At least three of them get speeding tickets today. But there in anonymity are these 3 or 4 runners; together experiencing the secret and mystical world of long distance.

This picture is a microcosm of my life. I really am not going anywhere with my life. I do the daily deal in a circle; and what I am contemplating is all that really matters. The thing that gets me out of bed is greater than me. It is my truth: love, peace, vision, intention, joy, innocence. In other words: Christ or spirit. I am a spirit. I have not lost the point of being alive: learning to be spirit rather than human.

After 4 laps, I figure I’ve been out there 2 hours without any major problems, might as well do 6. After 6 laps, I decide I’d hate to waste coming this far, might as well do one more. After 7, I decide to do a short lap to cap the run at 21 miles. Then….I get in the car and drive home. Simple as that.

Christ

It seems good to share beautiful passages from A Course in Miracles.

-The Holy Spirit’s vision is no idle gift, no plaything to be tossed about awhile and laid aside.
-…you see glimpses of the face of Christ behind the veil…
-…the Son of God is innocent…
-Together we will disappear into the Presence beyond the veil, not to be lost but found; not to be seen but known.

The main thing I have learned from ACIM is to look beyond the physical world, beyond the veil of illusions and dreams, to The Christ, The Son of God, The Self, residing in everything; but importantly in everyone. The Christ is joy and love and innocence. I can see Christ with inner eyes and the faculty of knowing rather than perceiving.

The most difficult thing to learn is that the physical world (including my body) is an illusion, a dream. It does not exist except in dreaming minds. In fact, the illusion I see is entirely my projection of my dream. If I see sin, I have to accept it is a projection of my self hate and fear of God. Sin cannot really exist in a dream. Hence, I have no need to judge (mentally attack) anyone. All I need do is practice seeing Christ, not with physical eyes, but with inner eyes. There are no separate people, only one light of Christ which we can learn to see.

The goal of ACIM is peace. If I quit my mental attacks and look beyond the physical to Christ, I will have peace. The reason I hang in there with ACIM and its counter-cultural teachings is that I see myself making progress in seeing Christ. My daily consciousness is no longer a continuous hateful commentary on everything and everyone. There are many difficult concepts in ACIM. Many seem foolish or outright idiotic.

I take my spirituality seriously. God is not a side light for Whom I carve out a few minutes. God is the main point from Whom I’m torn away to attend my dream world. I keep practicing the Presence even at work. I think about how little I give God; even a couple hours a day seems small to me.

Joy and Love - My Nerdish Understanding

Here is my thesis (my own personal thought, not from a book): Joy is the Fourier Transform of Love.

Corollary: Joy is the spiritual etheric medium which supports creation.

1. God is Love. But divine Love is not the same as the typical human love. It is an abstract. It is purely a constant Truth, Idea or Thought. Constants are extremely difficult to perceive with human senses precisely because they are constant; but they can be known. God wants us to know Him and wants to communicate with us and wants us to know His Love. He provided a way for us to know Love.

2. The only real things are the things God created. Love is real, being of God. Creation is real being in the medium of joy, a pure transform of Love. Love transformed into joy supports creation. Creation is not the ego world. Creation exists; and we have a way to live in creation through the Holy Spirit.

3. We seem to live in a world. The world is made of energy, vibrating waves forms. Since this energy responds to thought, we can say it is formed, shaped or made by us. Hence I call it the ego world an illusion. The ego world is not creation but our world’s wave forms are still carried by the medium of joy. How to get out of the ego world and into creation is another blog.

4. A Fourier Transform is a mathematical operation that transforms one complex-valued function of a real variable into another. The new function, often called the frequency domain representation of the original function, describes which frequencies are present in the original function. The analogy of the Fourier Transform to the DIVINE Fourier Transform goes like this:

• Love is the complex-valued real function.
• Joy is defined as the new function which exists in the frequency domain because it is a perceivable energy.
• Creation is the frequency domain.
• The Holy Spirit is defined as the functioning operation that transforms.

5. The Fourier Transform is a mathematical operation. The DIVINE Fourier Transform is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the operating transformer Who brings Love into the world as joy. Creation does need an operating medium. That medium is defined as joy.

6. Love is a constant, not a harmonic frequency; hence it cannot exist in a frequency domain world without being transformed. The way Love reaches us is via the divine Fourier Transform which changes Love into joy; and joy is something we not only know but is innate to all creation (see corollary).

7. God is Love. His Love is filtered through a divine Fourier Transform so that we can experience it as joy. Love is the all pervasive constant of God; the only thing He is. Joy, though the supporting medium of the frequency domain, is a constant for us. Hence, to know divine Love, seek and experience joy.

Now, by seeking and experiencing joy, I do not mean physical dimension, but inner peace. Inner peace is also the topic of another log blog.

Get it? No, Spirit Flower, we need much more explanation. I agree; but it is time for me to go to bed.

Spiritual Workout

Sometimes I hesitate to blog when I don't have magnificent enlightening things to say. Today is such a day.

This morning’s spiritual training was a seeming disaster; that is, I had to work at it until I let go of my small self. For a running analogy I liken it to a nasty set of speed intervals. Each speed lap leaves you bent over wanting to collapse or throw up, yet your time was incredibly slow, the day is incredibly hot and you become hateful of your coach. Spiritually, I kept approaching the light; yet each time, I knew Its Love was slipping off my mental shield and falling lifeless at my feet. I was not feeling inspired or uplifted. I wasn’t getting any comfort or pleasing feeling. I knew that somewhere in my small self, I had decided to keep Love out today; yet knowing this, I could not let go of my decision and let Love in.

So, several times, I approached the light and tried to calm the inner screaming and let the light in. My Coach, the Holy Spirit, stood quietly and patiently waiting for me to get tired of my small self and let go. Eventually, I had this tiny thought, “If no one had ever taught me what illumination was supposed to feel like, what would I be looking for right now?” Bingo! With this thought, I quietly slipped into the now. I realized that peace was here and Love was here right now. I did not have to seek for anything, just sense the strength of peace now. I let go of my preconceived notions, which belong to the small ego mind.

God I want God! Feel my urgent cry. Christ must be my life; He is all I want. It is as simple as that.

Just because I can’t “feel” God doesn’t mean I give up on the spiritual practice. I can understand why some people just give up on spirituality. Divine Connection is always there, but I have to let go of my ideas in order to have That. Feeling good or inspired is not always what I get out of the deal.

Living non-spiritual is unhappy for me, so I keep working out, keep doing the intervals, keep hating my Coach, the Holy Spirit. Lifting weights is not that fun either, but I do it. Dieting is not that fun either, but I do it. God is not that fun, but I do it.

Reflections - Fasting 122 Hours

There is a difference between a secular solitary and a monk eremitic. The secular solitary is alone just to be alone. The monk is alone to be alone with God. By secular, I do not mean atheist. By monk, I do mean spiritual; the monos who is one heart with God. The secular solitary may say prayers. The monk is the prayer.

I am a monk. The point of my life is God. I am not traditionally consecrated into a religious tradition. I am a monk in the world; self styled. I learned about being a monk from Benedictines. I learned about it from books. Most of my monastic practices are traditional: lectio divina (spiritual reading) and contemplative prayer. Anthony was an early Christian who famously started the tradition; leaving the city and going out in the desert to live with Christ and fight demons. But most Holy Rules for monks advocate the structure of a monastery. I am the variety who left the monastery and went to the Poustinia to live on my own. The lack of religious validation is a cross I seem to bear; a relic of my Benedictine teaching. I have no trappings, like religious garb, or title, or hairdo. I look very ordinary and do not generally speak publicly of who I really am.

You might say, “But you are an engineer.” I would say, “I don’t have a desert cave or a monastery, so I work for a living.” You might say, “You are a runner.” I would say, “I am running to God. I run in the Spirit.” Alone, I am not constantly busy, not even reading all the time. Often, I just sit and contemplate. I spend hours in lectio. I listen. I am silent. I am being still and waiting.

I live in a Poustinia. Poustinia is the Russian word for desert. It was traditional for Orthodox monks to go to a hermitage. A Poustinia in the West is a place for someone to go and seek God. It is a place of silence and solitude and prayer. Although looking like a house, inside it is the Mount of Carmel, the Mount of Tabor, the cave of Jesus tomb, the cave of Elijah, the Bodhi tree of Siddhartha, a Tibetan mountain peak, an ashram of one in an Indian forest. The Poustinia is the agony of the cross where Jesus cried, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” The Poustinia is the river of baptism and the mount of transfiguration where God cried out, “This is my beloved Son, listen to him.” The Poustinia is a prostration at the foot of the cross, and before the Glory of God. The Poustinia is the wild shouting, “Hosanna” and “Maranatha.” It is the place where I have chosen to go.

My Poustinia is also in my heart, my consciousness; my inner temple where God dwells eternally. I go to work and the store and the marathon and other places, but my life is always hidden in the inner temple, known only to Christ. The light of Christ shines out. If it was me that lived in the world, not Christ, there would be no light for others and I would be a dreadfully sickened person. This is not so.

In the Poustinia, there is the darkness of Mother Theresa, the great faith of pilgrims crowding Lourdes. There is Eucharist and Adoration and Reconciliation. There is no football or election campaign or financial crisis. The monk’s material needs are minimized, being filled by God. Music is a type of veil, hiding the soul from God; or a covering which prevents the mind from being totally exposed to the divine light. The news is a distraction, diverting thought from the divine Presence and from prayer. TV is programming; filling the mind with something other than Christ. The monk’s food will often stray into nothing but spiritual texts; eating the words and being satisfied with God. The Poustinia is not often ecstatic. Usually it is just a desert, just a silent place, just faith. With the darkness of God’s silence and the blinding light of faith, the monk waits and watches and listens and prays. This is the life of a monk in the world and what I have embraced as my vocation.

This leads into my response to your question, “Why am I telling you about being a monk?” There are cosmic and eschatological reasons for the eremitical life, the silent life. At a minimum, the conscious contact of one person with God is a gift for all; whether they know it or not. Christ is a cosmic consciousness remembered for all and given to all. It is because I feel the inner light of Christ beaming out to all creation. I wanted to offer Christ consciousness as a gift; and remind us of spiritual realities beyond normal day-to-day life.

One person alone praying seems so worthless. No evangelization is attempted. The works of charity do not take place in the physical world. Purpose is carried out metaphysically and spiritually; perhaps not seen but deeply known. No trace of the hermit’s healing hands are found, but surely they were there. No sound of the hermit’s prayer was heard, but surely a blessing was received.

In my silence and my fasting, I have found the well of praises for Christ my life. These praises gush forth uncontainable. My dam has broken. My reservoir empties. Peace be with you.

Reflections - Fasting 100 Hours

The hermitage, the fast and the long run are mine today. I have a sense of humility about it because nothing seems to have been accomplished. I existed in worldly uselessness; yet conscious of continuous divine communication. I prayed, but the divine communication was unperceived, seen only by faith and heart.

Running, fasting and solitude are my cross; unexplainable to the uninitiated. These are gifts I carry; vertical aspiration and horizontal expansion. Carrying the cross, I am the tool of Spirit. I seek not crucifixion, nor sacrifice, nor suffering. I carry a cross of joy in Spirit, peace in all directions and love at its heart.

Running, fasting and solitude have emptied me today. If not for the four days of juice, the 17 miles in a hilly frigid park and abstinence from the world; I might be fat, dumb and complacent. Fasting prepared the raw materials. Running threw me over a cliff, where the gentle embrace of solitude became my cushioned fall and endless immersion in light.

The fasting was the furnace. The running was the pounding and shaping by the divine hammer. The solitude was the quenching. I have become a tempered soul under the hand of Divine Love. I was refined from a pile of dirt to fine gold. I was transformed from an iron bar to a tempered steel sword. I was etched with beautiful designs and mysterious symbols. I am lovingly oiled and polished and placed in a sheath worn at My Lord’s waist.

There lies my humility, again I notice. I am carried at the side of Love, never withdrawn for violence, beauty forever hidden. I am an accessory, an accoutrement. His Presence requires my service, but my purpose is hidden away from what I appear to be. My silent unused position is a kind of prostration which I gladly offer.

What a strange reflection today. It is nonsensical, meaningless puffs of fantasy, musings of a spiritual drunk, the ravings of a mystical fool.

Christ the life of my soul.
My life hidden in Christ.
Christ lives, not I.

Fasting 54 hours - Reflections

The desert to which Christ calls me, in fasting and in solitude, is not for ecstasy but for contemplation. It is for learning to be satisfied with the knowledge of His Presence, not euphoria. In the desert, my life becomes Christ; as I lose all other identities and worldly props. I am here because He called. I am here because He is Love. I am here because I’m willing to give up all but His Light. In contemplation, I am light; nothing else, nothing special. I have no special perception and I do not ask for anything; merely being in His Presence. I am neither saint nor sinner nor wisdom nor dullness. The others here with me in the desert, fasting and contemplating and utterly silent, form a chorus of pure joyful thought communicating with Love through a channel of unified innocence and holiness. There is only one well from which we drink the living water; and only one life which flows in our veins. Having given up all else, only His joy is ours; as we are Christ.

For what other purpose would I use my human life? Does the problem of not knowing God strike anyone as crucial? I have nothing to give but everything of the world to lose in order to remember Love. At what point would I give up on God and go out to eat? At what point would I stop in my tracks and realize what it is I really want; falling at His feet in gratitude for His ever extended Love. He did not ask for more than my glance; and suddenly I saw and was captivated.

I worked out on the porch early this morning. My passion for Him was in the nudging of the resistance on the bike or the speed of the treadmill. I ran 6 miles this afternoon. My passion for Him was in the effort of racing up a hill, the squinting at the sun, or the sudden looking up to see a bird. I went to work and related. I went to WalMart and smiled. I sat in silence, in light, and waited; embraced by Love.

Christ is my whole life.

Reflections - juice fast

Reflections during the first 30 hours of a juice fast:

Fasting is not about sin. I am already holy and pure, but I may not know it. Fasting is equal to going to work and doing the dishes, just part of my life.

I had symptoms of self disgust which I was projecting onto my body. The disgust is a mind sickness. In fasting, I am putting away my foolish hatred and giving it to Christ. What came first, the healing or the fasting? Fasting is a symptom of healing.

I fast because I’ve discovered what is right about me. Fasting is a triumphal journey away from the ego’s prison into the heart of God.

Fasting is easier said than done. We read of its physical and spiritual benefits, yet there are times of weakness, where quitting is so close. At 3 pm, driving home from work, I assumed that I would go for a short run and then eat; all resolve was gone. But, during the run, I decided I would make juice and tea and then decide. By the time I got to drinking those items, I also had a spiritual book in front of me, “The Hermitage Within.” Reading the book it occurred to me, I am not fasting by my choice but at the request of Christ. I could not break the fast too soon no more than I would take a drink of alcohol.

I wanted Jesus to tell me what fasting has to do with A Course in Miracles (ACIM). The relationship is buried in the quiet. In fasting, I have made a strange desert solitude where I am alone with God, in quiet conversation. Sometimes I feel hunger and temptation to satisfy the pallet, but do not respond. I am cold; wouldn't hot food be great? To not respond to temptation, I turn to the Holy Spirit and occupy my mind with the knowledge of God’s love; how much God wants me. Eating is not a need, God is. Hunger is not real but a delusion; God’s yearning is real.

Though I might want to fast for health, I cannot accomplish anything without God. The gift of fasting is too much too contemplate, as is the Love of God. The best I can do is try to stay with it one more moment; and this is not accomplished without Help.

Distilled water is His greatest gift.

Resolutions

I surrender:

1. I will not allow anything to displace God or our relationship as the most important thing in my life.
2. I will not rely on anything but Strength or Light, via the Holy Spirit, to solve my problems.
3. I will deny my ego thoughts: grievances, doubts, seeming terror, idle shadows. My ego is weakness and I bring it to The Light.
4. I will honor the quiet humility of the Light of Love and receive its subtle blessing with mirroring joy.
5. I will pour out my life to my loving Self (Christ) and be at peace in Its embrace.
6. I will keep flooding my mind with light and allowing light to be my only consciousness.

The Power Greater than Myself

My Course lesson today encouraged me to feel the strength of a Power greater than myself. I need to feel this Power in order to trust it more than my own puny ideas of how to get along in life. I was encouraged to believe that there is Power behind my spiritual work and the power empowers me to continue. There are so many times I could have chosen to forget about spirituality. Who do I think it was that called me to spirituality in the first place? Somehow, I heard a suggestion to start, and some Power has keep the work alive for many years.

I sat in my meditation and looked at the inner light. I look at it but don’t really feel it. I am aware that John of the Cross called this the living flame of love. I am aware of countless Buddhists who speak of enlightenment. Christ is the light of the world and the light which enlightens every man. I am aware of the millions of people who have experienced release from their limited egos and found salvation. I feel the subtle not the explosion. I must admit that the feeling of strength did not come as I gazed at the light. IT made me aware of Itself just a short while later; not during the meditation but after the run.

After my spiritual practice period, I lifted weights and did abdominals and then went for a fabulous 3 mile run (starting at 4:30 am). It was a full moon, very warm. Coming home, I thought I had about 10 minutes to do a few more abdominals and a few more reps with the weights. It was sitting on my weight bench that I thought, “What a privilege it is to be an athlete.” How marvelous that I am lifting weights and feeling so alive. It was then that I realized that the Strength of Light had shown through the heart of my run. It is not that I am so fast or strong but simply that I am. Running through the night, I am a disembodied force, solely an idea of love exposed to breezes and airs, and accompanied by angels. In the physical actions of running and weight lifting, I had discovered the Power greater than myself. It had called me out of lethargy into Its movement. I had joined Its force and hung on to Its strength. It had pulled me into the flow of Its strong Love. Fully immersed it Its stream of Life, I had transcended my body and become an idea of love fully one with Love Itself. Love Itself is Creation. Total realization that Creation is my source and my strength is joining It. This joining with Creation is God’s Will.

I will have a happy life no matter what happens if I hang on to this Power.

The Answers

Will I be _______? Won't I be ________? What if I allowed myself complete retreat from the world?

The answer is in the stars and the breeze and the soaring eagle: which things are silent. I belong to the set of silent things; whose realm is infinite and eternal. My role in life is to be an enigma: a thing strange, a thing admired but for the wrong reasons, a thing with ineffable thoughts and no certain place; plain yet oddly extraordinary.

There was no out cry at my birth and as I blow out the candle, there will be no mourning.

What is my most crucial problem?

Cleary not: losing my job, not having retirement money, getting old (although these things are with me).

The problem I most need to solve is "knowing Christ." I most need to believe in the "Something" bigger than me (Christ) who loves me and supports me.

Furthermore, I don't want the miracle to be that I have a good job. I want the miracle to be that I remember God and I have full communication and I know I am only love and that my true reality is Heaven. The miracle I most want is to leave this fear prison world made by an ego consciousness and live in Heaven, in peace, in silence, in eternal grace.

To allow the miracle, I just have to give everything else to the Holy Spirit. Simple but not easy. It means changing all my thinking.

I know that I know that I know there is a Something bigger than me. I spend my time on It rather than worldly things.

Eye Blinks of Heaven

• Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect Oneness, and the knowledge that there is nothing else; nothing outside this Oneness, and nothing else within.
• For God created only this...
• What could God give but knowledge of himself? What else is there to give? The belief that you could give and get something else, something outside yourself, has cost you the awareness of Heaven and of your Identity.

Sometimes I make a special day out of Friday: getting up a little early to have more time for God.

Sometimes, well just about every day, I read something in the Course (ACIM) that causes me to pause. I have sudden realizations or sudden knowledge. I have moments of clarity where I understand the entire universe, even if only for a second.

This morning I had a few seconds of Oneness, of Heaven.

I spend as much time in silence and solitude as possible in order to have these moments of Heaven. These moments are prime time for me. I may continue to dwell in them and remember them for that day or any number of days. These occurrances of heaven are the exciting part of my life.

I went running this morning under an almost clear sky with an almost full moon. Jesus came with me and sang the whole way:

Oh, Im bein followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, oh if.... I wont have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, oh if.... I wont have to cry no more.
And if I ever lose my legs, I wont moan, and I wont beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, oh if.... I wont have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,
Yes if I ever lose my mouth, oh if.... I wont have to talk...
Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? and are you gonna stay the night?

Oh, Im bein followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
(Cat Stevens)

Holy Instant

From ACIM:

• Never approach the holy instant after you have tried to remove all fear and hatred from your mind. That is its function. Never attempt to overlook your guilt before you ask the Holy Spirit's help. That is his function. Your part is only to offer him a little willingness to let him remove all fear and hatred...
• If you believe the holy instant is difficult for you, it is because you have become the arbiter of what is possible, and remain unwilling to give place to One Who knows.

My biggest spiritual difficulty:

1. How do I let go and let God?
2. I am not a failure. That is an ego belief that is untrue.

So I bring all my resistance to Jesus. I hold it out in the light and allow it to be removed. It instantly is. I just have to remember I am at peace NOW.

"All we are saying...is give peace a chance..." do do, ba ba, do do, ba ba... (Beatles)

SING!!!!!!!!!!

The Dregs

Lost your mojo? Good.
New found poverty? Good.

Time to drink the dregs of your life.
Face ego dissatisfaction.
The spoilt child within has been unseated.
No more is to be had from pleasing it.
It can’t run faster, win another race, finish a longer ultra.
It is done. Christmas is over.

Drink the dregs, soul sickness, acedia, depression.
Explore the dissatisfaction.
Feel the hunger and hate and fear.
Feel deeper into the nothingness than ever.
Feel “tired” and feel “lonely” and feel “sick.”

Don’t turn up the treadmill, put on another sweat suit.
Don’t cancel the outdoor run, go stand in the frigid wind;
Allow Friend Winter to penetrate your soul.
Seek the sweat lodge of the run;
The meditation hall of the crunch.

Go to the liturgy of the dregs:
Drink the senna tea to clean your bowels.
Drink the distilled water to wash your blood of fat and toxins.
Cry your eyes out in your utter worthlessness.
Pay the bills and do the dishes.
Change your diaper.

You are now ready to seek the Inner.
Your ego kudos can no longer satisfy.
Performance and happiness come from Self, Atman, Christ, Buddha, That.
This person within is now your sole support.
Willingness to follow It will get you through the dregs.
The Gift must come from It, not you.

No mojo? Good!

My Real Relationship and The Study of The Course

I graduated from high school early. I got a full time job at a hamburger joint as I had several months before college started. In those evenings, I would sit in our living room with my brother's college calculus text. I would ponder the confusing mathematics of differentiation and integration, and work problems. My father would be there laying on the couch, asleep with the newspaper collapsed on his face. My mother, in a drunken stupor would be in her room with the TV blaring. I suppose my brother was studying in his room. It was the peaceful aftermath of whatever torture had gone on at dinner, when my mother, in a drunk blackout, would attack us visciously in whatever way would hurt us the most.

I went on to college. There, at the suggestion of a physics professor, I read the huge physics tombs written by Feynman. Feynman shared a love of physics and opened the universe through applied mathmatics. I loved it.

Then, at the end of college I went to Israel. I came home wanting to know God. So I sat down with a Bible twice a day and studied.

Now I sit and study A Course in Miracles. The Course contains differentiation and integration, physics and holy scripture. It is the Voice of Jesus or The Holy Spirit or Self or Source. This morning, the Text gripped my imagination as I could see the way to Love and my role, not only for myself but also as a means for peace for everyone. Enthralled and enraptured by the Voice, I gave additional time to God. I gave additional time to meditation; sitting in the light, knowing it is real, knowing I yet sleep and dream of this ego world.

One way to hear God and live in the realm of the Spirit, is to turn off the ego world; literally stop listening to it. The ego world is but a projection. The projection I see is somewhat collective, but also it is mine. I admit that the fear and anger I see is mine; and I admit this to Jesus, holding it out to the light. The "financial crisis" is partly mine. But I have turned it off, including divesting myself of all "stock" in it, and turning off the radio. I am taking my own inventory and letting Jesus have my hate and fear.

I want to invest in something different. This morning, pondering the Text, I pondered the holy relationship. I had an interpretation of a holy relationship which I really can call an investment in something different, the realm of the Spirit; and it works for a contemplative, and for someone who lives in the world with others who have not heard what a holy relationship is, or who still believe this place is real, not an illusion. It is my interpretation of a real relationship; but if it makes sense, invest in it, take it to the bank, hold it safely within your mind. It will produce happy dreams and the awakening in Heaven.

My holy relationship: is my relationship with my brother, held in a perfect love on the holy ground within the inner radiance, and where the Holy Spirit has taken charge at my request. This center of perfect love is in Chirst, with Christ, the Christ. It is blessed and surrounded and permeated by Source. (ref T18.I)

Is this not a true gift of peace from a loving God, from a Teacher (the Holy Spirit), and from a Friend (Jesus)? I see how if I grasp this inner relationship, I will project peace. I want to project peace more than I want to project fear. Projecting peace is sanity and it is provided by something other than the ego world. Jesus, I'm willing. Jesus, I accept your peace. Jesus, I am willing to be the means for peace to extend beyond me to my brother. Jesus, yes. Jesus, thank you!

Happy Day

I came in to work thinking, "Wow, I feel good today." I do. I'm saying that now just in case Happy is infectious and you want to catch it.

The result of my morning spiritual study and meditation today was increased trust in Love. As usual, I brought my fear into the meditative light and allowed it to be treated. The meditative light heals sort of like UV light treats contaminated waste water. I bring my fears and hold them out and the light heals them.

I am certain I am on the spiritual path that was meant for me. I have the tools to remember God and know that I am spirit, not physical. I am learning that the world I see with my eyes is an illusion; and the real world is also seen, but not with physical eyes. Hence, I am learning to realize my problems are not real.

God is Love. I am determined to know this in this life.

Fear and Faith

I laid awake in the night last night. Fear gripped me. I had made a decision to stop investing in this world and I had decided that in the morning, I would go online and sell everything. I would then notify my investment advisor that our relationship was on hold for awhile. I felt bad about this, but I need to enter a new paradigm and stop living in the old one.

The fear is on the illusion level. In my troubled night, I continually sought the Light. I kept bringing the fear to Jesus. Jesus took my fear, but mentioned the need to invest in the Holy Spirit; and also mentioned the need to consider how this situation was part of my relationship with God; since this is my only real relationship.

I was reminded of pre-monastery, pre-2000. Before entering the convent, my financial projection looked like I could have a million dollars by the age of 45. I could retire to a life of scholarship and athleticism. Then, the possibility of entering religious life became feasible. Honestly, I viewed the convent as a secure place where I could have 3 hots and a cot for life. I could leave the world and never have financial insecurity. While I was in the convent, along came 9/11 and Enron. I scoffed. I was smug. Who cares about investments? I am safe and protected here in this big old institution, for life.

I never would have left the convent because I assumed my career was destroyed and I certainly didn't want to live in the world as a poor person. But God had other plans; and I got kicked out into the world. I lived for a year as a full time cashier with 2 other part time jobs. I learned a little about how to make your way in the world without the white collar career. But then God gave my career back and I have worked at it for the past 4 1/2 years. I re-started my dream of retiring at age 55 (not as rich as at 45) but still a doable situation if I had a part time job.

Along comes the "financial crisis." All my terror gets dropped in my lap. Last night, I realized I am called to solve the fear problem at its ego root and not just find a way to avoid it (which the convent was). The Holy Spirit would ask that I deal with the situation for His purpose and not my own. My mind is part of the entire mind of mankind and God Himself. I feel happy and honorable if I address the problem in a new paradigm; rather than just be afraid and insane. I need to employ the principles of A Course in Miracles to heal my thinking. That is the point: engage spiritual help because that is the only real reality.

In my own words I say: This world is an illusion made by an ego that wanted to be separate from God. Since an ego made this world, it is a disastrous delusion of fear, guilt and attack. Since I think the illusion is real, it effects me emotionally and I become enmeshed in fear, guilt and attack. Yet the ego is my ego and the world is my ego projection. So to change the world, I have to change my thinking.

I am really a spirit, an idea of love in the mind of God. The Holy Spirit is my constant Companion and Teacher. Christ is the depth of my being where all of our essences are continuously joined in the bliss of Heaven. There is no ego in the bliss of Heaven. Hence my path to Heaven involves dropping my ego's thinking in favor of the Holy Spirit's thinking. I am with Christ and in Christ and He is in me. We (all of us) are one. Essentially I am Christ. Here is where my faith must be.

So, the financial crisis is not real; even though I am experiencing the same depth of fear that most people are. I have to bring this fear to the Holy Spirit and ask what His purpose is. I am will to carry out my function as given by God. My function has far more to do with inner peace than shifting my worldly investments around.

From ACIM: "A situation is a relationship, being the joining of thoughts...The light of truth shines from the center of the situation, and touches everyone to whom the situation's purpose calls. It calls to everyone. There is no situation that does not involve your whole relationship (the one you have with God), in every aspect and complete in every part. You can leave nothing of yourself outside it and keep the situation holy. For it shares the purpose of your whole relationship, and derives its meaning from it...There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve....If you lack faith, ask that it be restored...the goal of holiness was set for your relationship, and not by you."

So I must find holiness, find Christ, in the financial crisis and in the fear of financial insecurity. Hidden in the situation is The Light. I must transcend my ego's thinking and join with the Holy Spirit's thinking. This shift of my investment strategy is the only thing I can do. I am investing in God and not my ego. The alternative is to die miserably terrified; without having accepted my responsibility.