Saturday, January 24, 2009

A New Beginning...

The only good that I have to contribute to the world is my thoughts, my mind. Whatever is in my mind is what I am doing to create reality; that’s my contribution and I am willing to pacify it. However it is that I have thought about things and seen them for the past 50 years has to change.

It is clear I have lived my life with a mentality of hate and fear. Having discovered this, I also realize that I don’t want to finish my life with that same mentality. My decision of what to do about this was not arrived at without some considerable consideration taking many years. I read the Bible and participated in Christianity for 2 decades at least. When I was a nun, I went to seminary. After I left the convent, I was deeply immersed in parish life. I have thoroughly studied Catholic theology and community. I have read Buddhist and Hindu texts. As a person in 12 Step Recovery for over 23 years, I have the literature practically memorized. I’ve been in psychotherapy several times. But it is A Course in Miracles (ACIM) that has most improved my mentality. ACIM is what has disclosed to me my truth and offered my a better way.

ACIM has brought me closest into relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It has most helped me to change my thinking and perception. I do not recommend it to anyone because it takes more work than most are willing to expend to learn entirely new concepts of what a human is, what relationships and love are, what Jesus is, what this world is, what time is, etc.

My ACIM workbook lesson for today urges celebration and gratitude that today is the day of a new beginning for me and everyone. Driving home from my early morning grocery foray, I looked around. The sky was clear, the sun just coming up, the fields are a bare winter brown. I had the distinct realization that I was looking at it for the last time, that not only this beautiful landscape, but also the things I had been afraid of in the night, would not be perceived the same way ever again. I was in a place of both grief and celebration. I am leaving prison, yet I grieve the many years spent in a dark cell. I walk into the light with jubilation, anticipating a new life, yet unknown.

I put my life on pause this weekend. I wanted to think the new thoughts and listen deeply. The form of what seemed to be my life (work, running, money, people) will go on; but the content of it (thoughts, perceptions, spirituality) will be 100% different. I know it. I am on my second trip through the ACIM workbook. I don’t remember each lesson but I know I am changed since the first time. I see words that weren’t there the first time. I experience faith, hope and belief in God at much higher levels.

Several new things have occurred even this morning. I am going running; but instead of Gu, I am going to try out Succeed sports drink. It means I won't have to remove gloves to open Gu packages. I just got the Succeed in the mail. I've had it at ultra races. The sun has perhaps raised the temperature from 4 to 10. I just called Road Runner Sports and they happily adjusted their bill to what I thought it should be. I just talked to a nice lady photographer who lives on my running route. The government rejected my passport application because the photos weren't exactly according to specification. But, as she lives in such a great place, I think I will discuss having her take my 50th anniversary strength pose photo. I want to show off my stringy 50 year old body.

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